"This isn't the proper method for graverobbing, you know," said Jonathan Crane, who was caked in dirt and standing in a huge, deep hole, glaring up at the Joker above him. "Graverobbers in the nineteenth century had to be quick and subtle, because there were night watchmen everywhere, so they would dig small holes, drill through the coffin carefully, and snatch the body up by the arms, and then recover the hole completely so nobody would ever know what they had done. We actually don't know how many bodies were robbed in this way, because the good robbers never let themselves be caught, or their work be discovered. If they had used this ridiculous, overblown method of graverobbing, they would have been caught and hanged pretty quickly, which frankly, would be preferable to continuing to work in this way."
"The more energy you waste flapping your gums, the less energy you have for digging," replied Joker, who kept his gun trained on him. "It's not my fault they bury people six feet down, which is certainly taller than your friend there," he said, gesturing with his gun at Tetch, who was gasping and leaning heavily on his shovel. Joker suddenly fired a bullet over Tetch's shoulder as a warning shot. "Get back to work!" snapped Joker.
"Puddin', doncha think you're being a little harsh?" asked Harley tentatively, who stood by his side. "I don't feel comfortable threatening our friends to work this hard at gunpoint. You don't want them going on strike like the henchmen, do ya?"
"They can't go on strike if they're dead," retorted Joker.
"And we also can't dig if we're dead, so I know you won't actually kill us," replied Crane.
"No, but I will maim you horribly," replied Joker. "In places where you'll still be able to dig, but which will hurt a lot."
"I'm really sorry about this, Johnny and Jervis," said Harley, apologetically. "But Mr. J is really passionate about his Joker Enterprises idea, and getting this diamond is the first step in realizing it. So just think about it like that – you're helping him achieve his dream."
"Yep, my dream of about an hour ago," agreed Joker.
"Harley, my dear, you know I would open my veins for you," replied Crane, forcing a smile. "But I'd rather open up his," he muttered, glaring at Joker as he continued to dig.
His shovel suddenly struck something metallic. "Oooh, sounds like we hit the jackpot, literally!" chuckled Joker, jumping down into the hole as Crane and Tetch cleared the dirt off the coffin. Joker seized the shovel from Tetch and stuck its blade into the crack between the coffin and its lid, prying it open. They all three looked inside to see the corpse of William Knox.
"Oh, that's not pretty," commented Joker, examining the indistinguishable remains of the man's face, which, it turned out, he had been shot in, apparently several times. "I hope the tooth's ok."
"The diamond will be anyway," said Crane. "It takes more than bullets to scratch those."
"Good God, it's horrible!" gasped Tetch, clapping his handkerchief to his mouth and turning away. "I hope you're not expecting us to root around in that mess and find the diamond, because you really will have to shoot me before I do that!"
"Oh, don't be such a child, Tetchy!" snapped Joker. "It's just a mutilated body! That's what we all look like underneath our skin, so don't be so melodramatic about it! It's perfectly natural and normal! But luckily I don't need you for this part – I'll find the diamond myself, you big baby!" he snapped, plunging his hands into the jellified remains of the face with a sickening squishing noise.
"I'm going up to join Harley," announced Tetch, averting his eyes from the horrific sight of the Joker feeling around for teeth among the squelching carnage. "Before I'm sick, and the last thing we need is more mess down here. Honestly, it's completely revolting," he muttered, as Harley held out a hand to help him up. "That doesn't bother you?" he asked her. "Seeing your paramour desecrate a dead body like that?"
"I just like to see Mr. J happy," sighed Harley, gazing at the Joker with adoring eyes as he focused on his work, his tongue sticking out in concentration as the blood spattered onto his face.
"So you objected to getting dirt on your clothes, so much so that you forced us to dig up this grave at gunpoint, but you have no problem with feeling blindly around and plastering yourself in human gore?" asked Crane, as Joker continued to reach into the remains of the face.
"Sure – I don't mind getting blood and guts on me," said Joker, shrugging. "It's practically unavoidable in my line of work. But laboring in the dirt isn't – I'm not a ditch-digger, or an archaeologist or something. That's not my job, and there's nothing funny about hard work like that. No joke and no punchline, not like rooting around in this guy's face. Aha!" he exclaimed suddenly, as his hands fell upon a row of something that felt like sharp bone. "I don't know which tooth has the diamond in it, so I'm gonna have to extract a few and see – Harl!" he called up. "Go get my emergency dentistry kit from the car!"
"Sure thing, puddin'!" she said, skipping off.
"May I ask why you have an emergency dentistry kit?" asked Crane.
"For dental emergencies, duh," retorted Joker. "And for unnecessary dentistry too, y'know, for gags. Harley and I pretended to be dentists to trap Commissioner Gordon once, and we would have got away with it too, if it wasn't for that meddling Bat…"
"Here you go, puddin'!" called down Harley, tossing the case down into the hole.
"Have you actually used all of those instruments?" asked Crane, as Joker opened the case to reveal a collection of sharp and unpleasant-looking tools.
"Only the ones that look the most painful," replied Joker. "I don't actually know what half of them are for – never went to dental school, but I doubt real dentists know what they're for either. Mostly to torture people, I'd guess, but fortunately our guy can't complain. Or unfortunately, depending on how sadistic you are!" he chuckled, reaching for the pliers and inserting them into the remains of the mouth, where he began jerking at random teeth.
"That's not the proper method for tooth extraction either," commented Crane, as Joker tugged and wiggled the pliers to try and remove the tooth.
"Shut up, Professor Know-It-All!" snapped Joker. "Before I extract some teeth of yours along with his! You didn't go to dental school either!"
"No, but I did go to medical school," retorted Crane. "So I think I have a little more expertise than you…"
"There!" exclaimed Joker, ripping the tooth out at last. "Nope, not this one," he said, examining it and tossing it over his shoulder, before plunging the pliers back into the mouth to grab another tooth.
This process was repeated several more times before Joker gave a cry of triumph as he spotted a small, sparkling object buried in the crown of one of the incisors. "Here we are!" he exclaimed, extracting the diamond and holding it up to the bright moonlight above them, where it sparkled and shone. "Pretty little thing, ain't it?"
"Yes, exquisite," agreed Crane. "But you didn't say what you needed it for."
"Well, I have an interested party waiting for it," said Joker. "But now that I see it, I'm not sure I want to hand it over to him. It looks like a pretty valuable piece, and what he was going to pay me is chump change compared to what I could probably get for it on the black market. I'll never get to be a billionaire making small time deals with local crooks, after all – everyone knows that real billionaires make big deals with big crooks."
"Pengers is gonna be mad if you don't give it to him though," pointed out Harley, as Joker climbed out of the grave, followed by Crane.
"So? I ain't afraid of Pengers," retorted Joker. "Anyway, he doesn't have to know I didn't give it to him."
"What do you mean?" asked Harley, confused.
"I mean we give him a fake," replied Joker. "Pengers has never seen this – I say we keep it, and give him one made of glass instead."
"Penguin prides himself on being an expert on jewelry," commented Tetch. "And you think you can fool him with a fake?"
"Depends on how good the fake is," retorted Joker. "Fortunately I am incredibly talented at most things, including chemistry. I'm betting I can create a fake diamond in no time at all, with the proper chemical substances, of course."
"Where are you going to get a laboratory with the proper chemical substances?" asked Crane. "Oh," he said, as Joker just looked at him. "You're going to commandeer ours, aren't you?"
"Well, since you're kind enough to invite me, it seems rude to refuse!" chuckled Joker. "I'll need to use your shower too – you don't wanna contaminate the concoction with some stranger's blood and guts. Unless you're making a blood diamond, of course!" he laughed.
"How long do you think he's going to be in our apartment?" asked Tetch, as Joker cackled to himself as he headed back to his car, with Harley following. "You remember we have to meet up with Edward later to discuss an upcoming crime he wants us to participate in?"
"We might have to postpone that," said Crane. "I'm not leaving Joker alone in the apartment. He'll burn it down or something."
"He might do that anyway if we let him near the chemistry set," retorted Tetch. "I don't trust him around a Bunsen burner – he'll probably set himself on fire as a joke."
"A man can dream," sighed Crane, as they followed Joker and Harley back to the car.
