He considered speaking even slower, to the point that even the dumbest of creatures could understand him. Unfortunately the creature on the other end of the transmission was with the Imperium so there was still no hope.
Nonetheless he tried once again.
"The Orks are coming and we are willing to give you information on their staging points. You will fight them regardless of whether you accept our help and the information is easily verifiable all you need to do is check it and we can all benefit." Perhaps the Imperium would even benefit more than the Craftworld in this trade. Because if not stopped the Orks would rampage and annihilate their forces on the world of Elthis III.
The ensuing Waaagh would spread out to other worlds, and damage sites of importance to the Craftworld. But surely the Imperium was not so stupid as to cut off their own face just to spite them.
The vox in front of him hummed to life, a voice responding to his calls after an eternity. "All your kind lie xeno and we will not be drawn from the Emperor's light by your trickery."
He stared at it again in disbelief. "Look I am sending the coordinates all you need to do is look at them and you will find the orks amassing. Even if you don't believe me, you can at least believe the evidence seen with your own eyes."
The vox remained silent in response, a damning silence.
He was not a psyker and hadn't the slightest ability to read their minds. However with a flick of a switch he had the next best thing available. It was said the Imperium's transcription codes would take hundreds of thousands of years to break using even the combined might of all their greatest minds.
But after they had standardised it across the entire galaxy it had taken one captured radio, one instruction manual and about five minutes time getting used to making it work. He switched it on and the voice that had spoken to him returned as he listened in.
"The xeno's lie as they always do. Who knows how long they have had to set up evidence to suggest whatever falsehood they want is the truth."
A second voice responded. "But the Orks do gather, again and again they have fought us for this planet. Should we at least check it with a single skull probe?"
He sighed, there was hope. A voice of reason that not all humans were as dumb as monkeys.
"The orks gather. The orks always gather its what they do. They huddle together and charge at the walls and we kill them all just as we did two years ago. Saying the Orks are coming means as much as telling me the Sun will rise again, don't get so worked up about some xeno lies."
He flipped the switch on his own vox again. "Perhaps because we can read your minds, and we can read their minds we know this time will be different. They gather on a larger scale, and you will need to take proactive action to stop yourselves being overwhelmed." Could he nurture that hope?
"See they know they can read our minds, so an open mind stands like a fortress with its gates unbarred and unguarded. Only through closing it off and refusing anything like evidence can we hope to stem their ability to manipulate us."
He balked. Was there anyone that stupid, was stupidity a human virtue and burying your head in the sand a planetary wide pastime.
"Have faith young cadet. If it was really serious the warning would come from the Emperor. You can know its falsehood merely by seeing that its xeno's trying to tell us something."
Oh no it was a religion instead. A sacred oath to be as stupid and intractable as possible. A value that only seemed to grow until it surpassed the universe itself.
"There are always more Orks, if we let the Eldar have their way every time they spoke about the subject we'd be giving them half the galaxy soon enough."
He cried, he sobbed. He phoned home and they all moved on, because the Imperium was a lost cause but that did not mean they had no other options. They could always try and talk to someone more reasonable.
To his Shoota side, Smart Boi.
To his Choppa side, Big Git.
The Greatest Group of Boyz assembled as he looked over the weird pointy ear approaching. "We'z ere so wots you got for uz."
The pointy ear looked up and up and up to meet his eyes, git deserved a krumping he did. Krumping made everything better. "I come to your warband with an offer, the location of all the human defensive locations so you may fight to your hearts content."
He nodded, those were very big wordz, and dey was good. So with great cunning he turned to Smart Boi. "Oy wotz his plan mean?"
Smart Boi suited his name. "Da Pointy ears r smart, smarter than a Smart Boi." It woz serious indeed. "Dey Know everyfing even how weze gonna react and dey fink we should krump humies."
That woz the bestest plan evar. Krump humies, it flowed like blood from a choppa and struck like anuva chopper. Two choppas dat was a good idea.
Da Waaagh was comin, and da pointy ears fink he wos ta lead it. And dey was always right. It wos good cause he also tought he wos da ork ta lead it, wif dere backing everyfink was goin roight propa.
Smart Boi had stepped back, eey was roight propa smart he wos. So the back of iz choppa swung da best arc into Big Gits face. Muscle and blood krumped in one fell blow. He moved and afore the pointy ear could get movin he grabbed five teef and shoved them forward. "Dats five teef."
The pointy ear raised an eyebrow. "Five teeth indeed."
Dis woz going well. "Weez gonna give ya five teef, you's gonna give us the humies maps and den we krump them roight propa like."
After a brief moment ta fink, the pointy head nodded. "All according to plan, a pleasure doing business with you."
He understood da Plan. A Smart pointy ear thinky plan that wos gonna work and meant krumping humies. Life wos good.
Even as the pointy ear turned to leave he knew his place. To be the biggest and the bestest Warboss dere ever was.
"It's time for a Waaaaaagh. Even the pointy heads know our waaaaaaghs gonna be the biggest and bestest Waaaaagh there ever was. So wot we'z gonna do is we'll follow the pointy heads orders and then krump some humies twices as hard as any humies have ever been krumped before. Waaaaaagh."
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh."
Five Ork teeth sat in his hand, what did you even do with an ork tooth?
He tossed them by the wayside and shrugged. Ork quirks were weird enough, but at least they had listened. Now just to point them away from their sites by tossing them at humans… or maybe even other Eldar enemies.
The possibilities were endless.
AN: Well a warhammer oneshot came out easily enough so its getting posted. There may be other oneshots on these kinds of jokes when I think of more of them, almost certainly a Tau one sooner or later.
But this set of oneshots is such low priority that it might as well be underground. And will likely all be weird standalones. It exists for when I don't have enough brainpower to think about writing. Go little fic and die on the sands.
Was fun to write. So I regret nothing.
