A new five step routine established itself so easily and with such natural subtlety that I almost didn't notice the pattern at all. Step one: Shibi comes up with some reason to celebrate about once a week, a successful mission was completed by Shino, a new measure for the protection of some site of ecological importance was passed, a new ingredient was available at the grocery store nearby, his beetles all eclosed healthily…the list goes on.

I think he's just making some of these up. He can't really consider things like the passing or failing of a bill on some obscure tax intricacy, or the presence or absence of rain during the week as something to celebrate. Maybe he just likes hosting dinners?

Step two: Shibi attempts to share with me the secrets of the culinary arts. He says I'm making progress, and I'm beginning to believe him.

It's really not as difficult as I was making it in my mind. Just a few clean cuts and a little bit of attention to detail gets you something that's…. edible, at least.

Step three: dinner and conversation, usually relating to what he and Shino have been up to for the last week. I do not mention Suzumebachi.

Step four: Shibi walks me home. We kiss goodbye, but only briefly, and only in the dark. He steps back just before the point of desperation. He wishes me a good night, and I close the door behind him. I do not ask him about Suzumebachi.

Step five: I try to clear my head. I lay back in my bed, lean against the wall in my shower, or sit in my favorite chair in the living room and…relieve the pressures of the night. I do not think about Suzumebachi at all. But I do think of Shibi, and the way his muscles moved under my hands in the dark.

Is it okay that I think of him while I 'relax'? I can't seem to stop.

Even when I start off thinking of a previous lover, or some spicy scene in a book or a video I'm fond of, my mind goes back to him.

The taste of dinner on his lips, the sound of his breath quickening and growing ragged near my ear, his lips barely moving over my face or neck, and the feeling of being touched cautiously, like I might break if he allows himself to move without forethought…I'm much tougher than that, but it's all so endearing. And then he calls me his 'date', and apologizes for 'taking advantage of me', and steps back. What's stopping him? Is it that girl? That doesn't make sense, she was there from the start.

I've thought about pulling out some toys and laying them across my bed for him to see when he walks me home, but somehow I doubt that that's the encouragement he needs. I've considered dropping to my knees in front of him when he inevitably pulls away. I've undone zippers with my teeth before, and it usually has quite an effect…but I'm not sure that's what he wants either.

I've even given a brief thought to stepping back before he does and touching myself in front of him. I've been told I put on a fantastic show…but I don't know that that's to his taste, and guessing wrong simply is not an option.

I wish he would answer me clearly when I ask him what he needs. But until then, I guess I'll just have to keep going like this.

I almost always wake up feeling cold after step five. I finish, clean myself up, lay down to sleep, and then four hours later I'm up again. Something under my skin calls out for contact. It feels like my veins are vibrating with how intensely the need for touch overcomes me. My head is fuzzy, and I can feel something hot building up in my throat and behind my eyes. And when I'm like this, I can't stop thinking about a strong arm wrapping around me, pulling my back flush against their chest.

Shibi…could I ask you for that some time? Or is that going too far for you?

The bulk of my memories of being held like that are with Shikaku.

Shikaku, do you hold your wife like that now? I know I said 'never again', but there's no one else quite like you. You were the first person who told me it was okay to feel things like that. Like vulnerability, or fear, or comfort from another person. You were the last, too. It's a bad idea, but it's been so long…and I know you're awake. You never were a heavy sleeper anyway.

I press my pillow over my face and allow myself to cry, here in the dark where no one can hear it.

You taught me that was okay, too, Shika. How dare you.

I used to deal with this sort of feeling by pulling out my little black book, but now I'm not sure where I stand with Shibi, and I'm not sure what to do. So instead I go for a walk. I wander until I invariably end up in the same location, the east side of the memorial stone. I sit at its base and lean against it, feeling the cold seep in through my shirt. I watch as the dawn breaks, then wander back home.

You all, at least, are always there to hold me.