A/N: I really didn't expect to write this up in one day, but here we are! Another Billy chapter and this time I wanted to really dig into Billy's inner conflict. Let me know what you think!

There is a trigger warning for this chapter as it has mentions of racism.


~Billy~

You are everything, yet you are nothing.

I could be someone. Things didn't have to be like this. When had the mask been painted? When did it decide it could start to show cracks? When could the smirk abandon my lips for good?

It could be destroyed for good right now. In 3 minutes, 3 years, 30 years. Or never.

I had a choice.

The emotional crescendo had finally deflated. Everything flashed before my eyes.

The blood as it trickled down her lips. Her infectious laughter. The way she danced to Live Wire. You've got a real nice car. Green eyes glimmering under the moonlight. Just, follow the moonlight. Sierra.

My smirk fell, the act falling apart. The denial of everything, my sole defense, crumbled into dust. I had reached the pinnacle of self-awareness tonight and automatically, something inside me had shut it down and returned to its default setting. Smirk, wink, flirt. Whatever keeps up the charade. But it had reigned for too long now, so long that I froze upon feeling my true self so much as touch the surface.

I didn't want to pretend anymore.

"Are you okay, Billy?"

Sharply inhaling, I snapped back into reality. The woman in the black lace dressing gown was staring at me with round, seductive blue eyes. But they were nothing compared to my green eyed girl. I didn't have to resort to a smirk with Sierra. She accepted me for who I was. But did she know the real me was the boy who just wanted his mom to watch him surf, who hid every insecurity with incessant flirting and a shitty attitude? She saw beyond that, exploring deeper into the fibers of my entire being. I didn't have to be the bad boy of Hawkins here. I could just be a brother picking up his sister. It could be that simple. My mouth twitched.

"I'm here to pick up Max. She, er, called to say she was sick" I said with a drone voice, heaving myself up from the door frame.

"You know," The woman slickly moved from inside of the house to the porch, inches away from me. Slender fingers walked leisurely up my exposed chest. I took a step back. "My husband is away for the night. You could come in to get your sister yourself, you know?"

I stared blankly at the woman. If this had been before I met Sierra, I would have walked in and treated the woman to a good night. Hell, I probably would have stayed around for breakfast in the morning and then left with the plate still on the table. The twin laughed menacingly at me.

Come on, Billy. Take a step forwards.

I could take a step forwards. Then, take another one. Keep taking steps until we were in her bedroom and then leave with the validation I had always craved. That's what it wanted me to do.

Don't be yourself. Be me. You don't get hurt when you're like me.

Things were changing. I was changing. I took another step back. To my surprise, as I did so, warm hands curled around my shoulder. The woman's face went from one of allure to dread in a matter of seconds. Peering over my shoulder, I saw Sierra. Eyes narrowed at the woman, she positioned herself in front of me and laced her fingers with mine.

"I think you better just get Max, Linda" Sierra stated. Linda merely stared, mouth open wide enough to catch flies. "Any time now will do"

Linda tottered off down the hallway with wince, heading up the stairs. Artificial lights flooded the corridors and I could hear a hushed voice beckoning Max from what I assumed was her daughter's room. I squeezed Sierra's hand and she reciprocated, mouthing an 'Are you okay?'. Usually, I would have merely shrugged at this and put on the cool facade. Instead, I shook my head, dirty blonde curls sticking to my face. I was sweating profusely and hadn't even noticed until now. A metamorphosis of personality was having a real effect on me. I knew I was Billy Hargrove. But who was Billy Hargrove? Was he the Keg King or was he the little boy who wanted his mom to fight off the monsters? Demogorgon, Him. Anyone who could hurt me. Tenderly, Sierra wiped my face, brushing the damp curls aside. Letting the curtains down, I flinched at this unexpected touch. Violence and hatred was all I had known when my face was touched. But with her, there was care. She was moving my hair because she cared.

"You get back in the car, I'll get Max" Sierra whispered. I shook my head again and stood still, but my hand was gripping down on hers, trying to anchor myself to the ground. We had a plan to complete. Get Max out of here, head to Harrington's and survive tonight. I still had a responsibility to protect them. I could do this. "Billy, really, you can - "

"It's fine" I breathed and once again, squeezed her hand. A clear message. Please don't let go. "I'm fine, Princess"

Before Sierra could argue, as I had already predicted she would, Max bolted down the stairs and went straight to the car. Linda came to the door to say goodbye, but Sierra merely sweetly smiled and closed the woman's own door in her face. Fuck, she could be ruthless if she wanted to. I kinda liked this side of her. She'd observed how I was in a tricky situation and shut it down with this sarcastic wit. Nightingale had my back and I had hers. When we got back into the car, I lit Sierra a cigarette and then one for myself.

"Harrington?" I gestured to the lit cigarette in my hand. He wafted a hand, declining my offer. "Suit yourself"

After taking a much-needed, deep drag of the cigarette, I blew the smoke out and watched, transfixed, as it drifted around. It was so easy, fluid in its movement. Why couldn't everything be like that?

"Hey, Hargrove?" Henderson hacked up a strained cough "I'm still asthmatic"

"Oh shit" Sierra and I said in unison and stubbed out the cigarettes, throwing them out the window.

It took roughly 10 minutes to get to Harrington's house, but it seemed like forever. One, long road unfurling ahead of us with no end in sight. The only thing I wanted to do was lie down and get away from all of this. Vaulting down the road, Harrington begged for me to slow down.

"Man, we've nearly just been killed by demodogs tonight, I don't want another chance for death to have its way!" Harrington exclaimed, the group collectively letting out a scream as we flew over a bump in the road. "Jesus!"

"I can tell you know how to live the high life, Harrington" I sarcastically groaned and slammed on the brakes, slowing the Camaro down to a sensible 20mph. "There, do we all feel a little safer now?"

"Well, I don't think I'm gonna puke anymore" Henderson muttered, his eyes glazed over and heavy. With an almighty moan, he slumped over his legs, hanging his head close to the floor. "Oh God, I change my mind"

"Don't even think about it, Henderson" I snapped and rummaged around for something, anything, that would prevent the kid from blowing chunks on the floor of my car. My bedroom may be a shit-tip, but I seriously didn't care about that place. My car, however, was pretty much my home, and I didn't want my home to smell like a chemical version of what the kid had to eat in the past few hours. One hand still on the steering wheel, I leaned over to the glove compartment and grabbed onto a plastic bag. As I spilled out the contents - small bags of weed and some empty beer cans - onto the floor, I was met with astonishment from the kids. Looks like Reagan was really hammering home this war on drugs thing. I thrust the plastic bag onto his lap. "Seriously, kid, do not miss the bag"

"He gets a little travel sick" Harrington whispered back to me. "We should maybe get rid of all the drugs in case we get pulled over"

"You suggesting a party, Harrington?" I smirked at him, watching as he winced. "Maybe you do know how to live the high life after all. No pun intended" I opened all the windows, the soft breeze welcoming itself in. Even still, Sinclair was fully prepared to deal with the onslaught of Henderson's vomit, pinching his nose and averting his eyes.

"You'll probably need that stuff to chill out after he blows chunks. It gets pretty messy, Hargrove" Sinclair said in a nasal voice and we both shared a small smile in the rearview mirror.

I needed to apologize to the kid. Despite going through my apologies earlier on, they were nothing in comparison to what I owed him. I mean, shit, I had this indifference towards people making assumptions about me. It was always easily resolved with a swift punch to the face. Then, no more assumptions were made. At least, not verbally. But with Sinclair, I had made an unforgivable assumption. I had told Max there were certain people in this world who she shouldn't go near. It all came from Him. I was turning into Him. There was nothing more in this whole world I despised more than Him, and I was becoming the very thing I told myself daily not to become. You had to be white and have a firm conviction in God for Him to approve of you. He could easily bypass religion, but if you were darker than a suntan then the grimace would begin to form on His face. Apologies had to be made. I wasn't becoming Him. Sinclair was more than what He would believe he was.

The sudden retching, like something from the goddamn Exorcist, from the back seat took me away from my train of thoughts. I started to become very thankful that I'd opened all the windows.

"How's your aim, Henderson?" I asked, refusing to peer back. Vomit didn't usually bother me. I'd had my fair share of hangovers to not be bothered. But Sinclair was right. That was just fucking foul. Henderson took a deep, guttural inhale and looked up at me from his plastic bag with watery eyes.

"Yup, I didn't miss" He let out a raspy laugh before he was headfirst in the bag again. Christ, all I could think about was pea soup.

"Dustin, do you want to stop for some air?" Sierra gently offered and grabbed my box of supplies out of the box, retrieving some wipes for him.

Jesus Christ, what a goddamn night this had been. Getting Sierra out of peril, dealing with some monster from another world, fighting off inner demons, and now a kid barfing in the back of my car. Well, I did say I wanted to see what this hick town had to offer. Personally, I had been hoping it was a shit load of parties, but I guess you can't get everything you want in life.

"Quite finished, Henderson?" With a shaky nod, he fell back into his chair with a groan. "Alright, let's drop this off somewhere" I pulled over, stopping outside what appeared to be a quaint Tudor inspired house. All the lights were off. Tucked safely in bed with no idea what they would wake up to in the morning.

"Hey, man, that's Jason Carver's house" Harrington warned.

"Even better" I grabbed the bag and chucked it onto the lawn. Shame really, the gardener seemed to have done a real good job with the flowers. Climbing back into the car, I winked at Sierra. Even Harrington had the shadow of a smirk on his face.

"Carver once gave us both a swirly, so we approve" Sinclair said and we shook hands.

Henderson thrust his towards me with an excited smile. I noticed how his hands were sweaty from the impact of the reckless driving. Sure, you could say it was from being unwell, but my driving was ultimately the cause of it. Looks like Henderson wasn't going to a theme park any time soon.

"I like you, kid. But I don't like you that much" Slowly, Henderson leaned back and conceded that he wasn't exactly thinking clearly.

When we reached Harrington's street, he directed me to one of the many large houses. It was very much like Sierra's street with all the manicured gardens and displays of wealth. Strange how once again, we were sat in a car after a night of violence and terror and the neighbors would never know. Yet, they would all know if someone a few doors down would be getting a renovation or a divorce. We lived in a fucked up world where all the little things were prioritized and all the serious shit made everyone to turn their heads. They weren't forced to turn their heads. It was an active decision so they could live out their picture-perfect lives. Bastards, the lot of them.

Once up the driveway, I kept the engine on, much to Harrington's confusion as everyone else bounded out. Everyone except Max. We had managed to lock eyes earlier on. A nod made it clear we weren't getting out of this car just yet. No, we had a lot to discuss.

"Max needs some clean clothes" I said and gestured to the black blood splattered on her top. "Sierra's are in the boot" I got out and moved to the back of the car, opening the boot. Sierra followed me and I handed the clothes over to her. "Are you okay?"

"Never better, Hargrove" she chuckled, but she seemed frail. Arms folded around her stomach, shivering. The adrenaline was wearing off now, the exhaustion setting in.

"Here," I whispered and took off my leather jacket, placing it over her shoulders. Giving her arms a quick rub, I smiled. "Looks pretty good on you actually" We laughed slightly and I closed the boot.

"Are you okay?" she said in a hushed voice, quickly peering over her shoulder to see the front door light was still shining bright.

"Don't worry about me, Princess" I leaned in to kiss her forehead, stroking the side of her hand with my thumb. "Look, I'll be back as soon as I can. Get some sleep, alright?"

She gave me a small nod and for a moment, I got lost in those doe green eyes. Before she could go, I clutched onto her hand and squeezed it. Our silent message to one another that things were going to be okay. We had braved the storm and now were able to embrace this moment of stillness. A squeeze of the hand to keep us grounded, let one another know we were here. It was a surreal feeling, an easy comfort. The feeling terrified me, yet I felt addicted. My fingers, clammy from the erratic waves of events, held her jaw and I softly brought her head to meet mine.

"Thanks for having my back, Nightingale" I breathed.

"Always, Hargrove"

She looked up to me, green eyes glittering. Running blind, all I knew in this moment was I never wanted to let her go. The warmth rising through my body snuck up on me, all control losing against the sheer will to keep it alive. I would come back to this moment. Then, she winked at me and trickles of laughter filled the air. I bit my bottom lip and lowered my head, giving it a slight shake. I felt on fire, but for once, it wasn't the inferno. It was a fire pit roasting marshmallows. Cozy, welcoming, one I didn't want to put out.

"Get some sleep, okay?"

"If you insist!" she tittered and kissed my forehead. "Get back soon, okay?"

Wordlessly, we parted ways. I watched as she went into the house, leather jacket swathed over her small body, and she waved to Max. I watched until the door closed. Then, I walked over into the car.

"You seem happy," Max muttered. I hadn't realized I had a shit eating grin on my face until she'd said that. Hell, I didn't even bother to wipe it away. It dawned on me that Max wasn't snorting this out with contempt. One look at her and she was actually smiling. I hadn't seen her smile in what seemed like forever. "She's cool"

"Yeah, she is" I replied, the smile remaining intact. My fingers hovered over the cigarette packet as we reversed out of the driveway. As quickly as they had gone to pick them up, I decided against it. I didn't fancy one all of a sudden.

"Do you like-like her?" Max snickered, raising her eyebrows to pry out a confession.

"Like-like? Jesus, I can tell you're still in middle school, Max" I chuckled and started driving down the street. 20mph. "Well, if we're going with that phrase, then yeah. I guess I 'like-like' her" I paused, reflecting on the smile Sinclair and I had shared. "Do you 'like-like Lucas?"

"Erm," A scarlet red flooded her cheeks, the freckles disappearing. "I mean, he's cool"

"I shouldn't have told you to stay away from him"

Max shot me a fiercely confused look, eyebrows furrowed and lips parted like words desperately wanted to be said but couldn't find their way out. Now, I needed a cigarette.

"You know, once I made a friend when I was in middle school. We used to go out surfing together after school, grab a coke and just sit chatting about all sorts of shit" I sighed, breathing out a cloud of smoke. Contemplatively, I stared as it dissipated into nothing. "Neil saw me one day walking out of school with him. We were just chatting about how some kid had set off the fire alarms that day and we'd snuck into the kitchen to get some ice cream together. We didn't get caught" I chuckled, remembering how we had sat on the floor and devoured the chocolate mint ice cream before rushing outside with all the evidence over our faces. His name was Markus. "But, Neil had told me there were certain people in this world who I shouldn't hang out with. Told me to stay away from him"

"You stay away from him, Max. Stay. Away"

I grimaced from the memory, but another one invaded my mind before I could fight it.

"You stay away from that kid, William. Stay. Away"

His elbow struck my face. We were in my bedroom now.

"Respect and responsibility"

Harrington, staring me down in the junkyard. Bat tight in his hands.

"Ever heard of responsibility, Harrington?"

"Billy, are you alright?"

My hands were shaking, gripped around the steering wheel. I brought the cigarette to my lips, taking a long drag. Shit, my hands couldn't stop shaking.

"I'm not a good person, Max" I whispered.

Quickly, I snagged the car to the side of the road. Driving a fist into the steering wheel, the source of pain spread everywhere. It was everywhere. It had always been everywhere. Overdrive. Everything was in overdrive.

Respect and responsibility.

Fuck respect and responsibility.

Fuck Him.

Fuck what He had made me become.

Fuck what I had allowed myself to become.

Shallow breathing echoed throughout the car, my nails digging into the roots of my hair. When I finally hauled my head up, the reflection in the mirror wasn't Billy Hargrove. It was Him. Heart beating crazily, a sob stored for decades finally abandoned my throat. Crackling like glass, I saw myself again. Red faced, stained with the evidence that Billy Hargrove did exist. It felt so good to fade away. But now, the mask was doomed.

"You know why he said that, Max?" In the rearview mirror, Max appeared shell-shocked, boring holes into my reflection. But she remained silent, waiting. "Of course you know why. You're not stupid" I ran my trembling hands across my face, desperately trying to erase the vulnerability as it finally made itself known. "I told you to stay away from Lucas because I'm a fucking coward" Because I was becoming Him and I was too scared to stop it from taking over. I couldn't say it. God fucking damn it, I couldn't say it.

She stayed silently stoic. Rigid as a statue. I was losing control. But it wasn't the frantic rage frightening her. This time it was the pure honesty as it spewed out of my mouth, destroying over a decade of work as it went on its rampage. The twin was as stoic as she was, relishing the chaos, but intrigued in how it took its form. I took a deep breath and straightened my back into the chair. I slipped my eyes to a close for a second, keeping them shut as I tried to find a balance. Accessing the vulnerable core, I merely sat there as the memories washed over me like tides reaching the shore.

Soft lips touching mine. Be slow.

Always, Hargrove.

Her touch, her sweet voice, though miles away from me, soothed me. Ripples of calm coursed through my veins, the demeanor returning to its neutral state. Control restored, but withheld.

"I have to give you credit, Max" I paused, taking one last drag of my cigarette before throwing it out of the window. "You don't sit back and take the shit. You know, you throw me a middle finger, tell Neil you're gonna eat the fucking breakfast bar, see Lucas" Sniffing loudly, I readjusted myself and flicked the indicator to keep driving. Slowly, I pulled out. 20mph. "Remember when I first met you?"

After contemplating whether it was the right move, Max nodded. Shit, she was really scared of me.

"You were sipping on that can of Coke on The Boardwalk. Neil and Susan were holding hands, acting like a couple of innocent kids. But I knew that's how he got them, so I told you. Why let you think everything was going to be all happy when it wasn't going to be?" Again, I paused, assessing her reaction. She knew everything had gone to shit. I'd told her it was going to be like this. "I told you I didn't want to be your brother and left it at that. I didn't want to be responsible for keeping another person away from what he could do. But, the more I saw you smile when he'd bring you some candy, that new skateboard," The same one I had ran over with my car "the more I saw he was drawing you in" I sighed, shaking my head. "So, why let you see the reality when I could just push you away by being an asshole?" A sharp laugh spontaneously fled my throat. "Shit, I thought we wouldn't have made it this far, Max. I thought you and Susan would have just upped and left, crying at how your new dad wouldn't give you candy anymore and it would all be my fault. You know what? I wish that's how it happened"

Max's blank expression started to soften, and she stared at me. Teardrop after teardrop started to fall from her eyes, and soon enough, they started to fall from mine.

"I wish that's how it happened, Max, because now you're in too deep" The twins fingers clenched around my throat, strangling me. Fight it off, Billy. But it was too late. The monster was in the car with us. It had never left. "Because now, he has a chance of fucking you up beyond repair, and I'm running out of ways to save you from it"

We reached a set of traffic lights. Red flooded over us. Letting out a shuddering breath, Max got out of the car. I was about to follow her when all of a sudden, the passenger door flew open. Before I could question what she was doing, her arms flung around me. Tight, almost protective. As I clung onto her, the monster left. No shadows left behind. Just a brother and sister.

"I'm sorry, Max" I breathed and tightened my arms around her.

"Why do you think I still stand by my door after he hits you, Billy?" she whispered, tears streaming down her face. "I do it because I know you're not a bad person" She sniffed, wiping her nose with the sleeve of her blood stained hoodie. "You're a symptom, not a cause"

She said it in a voice that was wise beyond her years. Like she'd been observing me, seeing me all this time without so much as a word.

"Look at what I've done to you though. I've caused that. That's on me" I let go and our eyes twinkled under the red light as they locked onto each other. "I thought I was doing the right thing. That you and Susan would pack up, call me an awful bastard and move on with your lives"

"And what about you?"

"Shit, what about me, Max?"

"What would happen to you?"

The answer was, I didn't know. Continue with the same routine. Get punched, go to the car supplies, smirk at a girl, fuck her, and escape to some party together where we'd do a shitload of coke and drink until we got lost in the haze of weird stability.

"I would have been fine"

"No, you wouldn't have" Max snapped. The light was still red. It wasn't time to go yet. "You would have ended up being a fuck up, Billy" The sheer honesty in her words made me want to spiral out of control. Because, ultimately, somewhere beyond the bravado and charm, I knew what lay in store for me. "But you're lucky"

I scoffed at her. How the hell was I lucky? I was a stranger to myself, to her. The real Billy had laid dormant for so long he'd become lost.

"You're lucky because you still have a chance to turn it around" Suddenly, Max aged about twenty years. Etched on her features were the memories of someone who had gone through shit and was able to come out the other side. "But that's up to you"

The light turned green. For a moment, I wondered whether I was going to drive through it. Could I allow myself to?

That's up to you.

Where would this green light take me? Sierra had told me to just follow the moonlight. Let something lead the way. The vivid green light beamed down on us.

The green light vanished eventually. But I would press on and find myself.

And so, I drove on.