June 13th, 1976
It was my fault for being alone— like they said, they hate me because I exist, nothing more. If I had just stayed with Evan, Joseph, Clarence, and John, then they wouldn't have picked on me in the first place, and Lily wouldn't have tried to save me, and and and and...
I am sitting alone, looking back at my notes, and suddenly I hear them. I draw my wand, but it is too late. Two against one isn't fair! They're hurting me, but there's nothing I can do, and I don't want Lily's help! I don't WANT her to see me like this! I want her to go away, and I just can't help it— the words just slip out, "MUDBLOOD!" and I know she's hurt, but there's nothing I can do now. I feel the Levicorpus spell— my own spell I invented— break, and I fall to the ground as Evan hexes Potter. While Joseph fights Black, and John fights Pettigrew, I have time to find my wand and shoot a hex at Lupin. Now that Lily is gone, I don't care anymore. I will use whatever magic I have to fight them, and I know my friends will do the same. By the time the professors come to break it up, Potter's cheeks are gushing blood from my Sectumsempra curse, Black can't stop his legs from dancing underneath him, Pettigrew is out cold, and Lupin's teeth have grown past his collarbone. Joseph's nose is bleeding badly, John is on the ground in Petrificus Totalis, Evan is belching up slugs, and I still can't stop throwing up soap.
As we sit in Dumbledore's office, I feel the disappointment in all the professors' eyes, and I know that my friends feel it too. They're comparing our fight to what is going on now between the supporters of The Dark Lord and the rest of us. They say they can't understand how four respectable Gryffindors, one of whom a prefect, could have started something as vicious as this, and they are ashamed of us Slytherins for perpetuating such violence. I already told them that I was just minding my own business and they started it, but I know they don't believe me. They never believe anything bad about their precious little Gryffindors. All the parents have been summoned as well, and I can tell that the opposing sides are just about ready to go for each other's throats. Black's parents did not come— Regulus, pulling Clarence along with him, told me as we were frogmarched to the headmaster's office that his mother was probably going to burn Sirius' name off the tapestry. At least Clarence had been talking to a professor at the time, so he's not in trouble.
"Professor, I still don't understand why we're getting in trouble for protecting our friend! They had him dangling upside-down and were threatening to take his pants off! What were we supposed to do?" Joseph says, making a strong attempt to remain civil.
"Our James would never do something like that!" Potter's mother exclaims, "None of these boys would!"
"Are you calling my son a liar?!" growls Joseph's father.
"No! Of course not, Mr. Wilkes! I was just stating that there must have been a misunderstanding!" she says, putting her hand on Potter's shoulder.
"It is the nature of the fight that has me concerned," says Dumbledore waspishly, cutting off Joseph's father as he begins to speak, "and the amount of dark magic these boys used is absolutely grounds to expel."
"No!" I cry, "You can't expel us! We just did our O.W.L's, and we're all good students! It wasn't our fault! We were protecting ourselves! I was minding my own business, and they started it, and—" to my astonishment, Lucius smiles at Dumbledore, and squeezes my arm behind my back to shut me up.
"Now, Severus, I am deeply disappointed in you, that you would use dark magic at all is shocking! Especially against your classmates. I don't know where you learned those spells, but it's not acceptable to use them against anybody," and he looks down his nose at Potter, "even little boys who fancy themselves vigilantes. You are all good students, so one mistake, I'm sure, will be forgiven. I am certain Professor Dumbledore will make the right decision in regards to you all."
John's, Joseph's, and Evan's parents all agree with Lucius. From across the room, the Gryffindors look at us smugly. I glare at them, imagining how nice it would be if something happened to them this summer and they couldn't come back to school. What if they died? No, they deserve to suffer. It'd be really cool if they both lost their arms in a tragic accident, and couldn't hold their wands anymore. Or maybe they could get run over by a truck and get their backs broken, so they'd be paralyzed for the rest of their lives. That would be so beautiful. Eventually, Dumbledore, Slughorn, and McGonagall agree to suspend my friends and me for a week, and the Gryffindors are given detention every day after classes for a week. The reason they aren't being suspended as well is because they didn't use any dark magic. When Joseph's father throws a mutinous look at Dumbledore, Dumbledore responds by telling us that we won't be missing much, since our exams are already over.
When we get out, we all get taken out for supper. The parents and Lucius all tell us how proud they are of us for sticking together and defending our standing in school.
I pull on Lucius' sleeve when there is a lull in the conversation, and the families are talking amongst themselves, "Why did you say you were disappointed in me? It wasn't my fault! I was minding my own business, and Potter and Black attacked me out of nowhere!"
"If I hadn't said that, do you think Dumbledore would have let you off so easily?" he growls under his breath, "Sometimes your immaturity amazes me. If I had said right there how proud I was of you and your friends, I would no longer have custody of you, and you and your little friends would be expelled. Don't you understand the precarious situation you were in? I know it wasn't your fault, and I am extremely proud of you. You did well to defend yourself by whatever means necessary. You'll do well in the future plans I have lined up for you."
My heart twinges as I think of Lily, but then I feel angry again that she tried to get in the way, and that she thought I was so weak that I couldn't defend myself, "What plans?" I ask.
"Don't worry about it," he responds tersely, "and by the way, did I not specifically tell you to stop going off on your own and making yourself a target? See what happens when you disobey me? You get yourself into trouble!"
"I'm sorry! I got distracted! And I was tired from studying and taking my test, and—"
"You should have waited for your friends. I'm not going to argue about this with you. I want you to promise me you're going to stop going off on your own, and make sure you stick with your friends from now on."
Already knowing that I'm going to need to sneak off and try to talk to Lily when I get back to school, I take a deep breath, and say, "Yes, Lucius. I promise."
"And when we get home, you're taking a shower. Your hair looks horrendous. When was the last time you washed it?"
"I'm sorry!" I sniff, feeling tears coming to my eyes. Evan meets my eyes from across the table, and I look away, "I didn't have time the last couple days 'cause I've been studying so hard! Every night I've been going to bed super late because I don't want to forget anything! And—"
Lucius rubs my back, and murmurs, "Shh, it's alright. I understand. O.W.L's are hard, and I know it's tough for you to remember things sometimes. You're so clever, it's easy for me to forget how many concussions you've had! Have you been taking your potion every month like you're supposed to?"
I nod, "Mm hmm."
"Good boy," he purrs, looks at my bowl, and opens his mouth to say something.
Before he can speak, I put a small spoonful of soup into my mouth and swallow.
He pats my back and turns to start talking to Evan's parents. Evan gives me a sad look from across the table, and I wish I was going home with him, not Lucius. All I want is to be able to talk to him about what happened today, and I know I shouldn't, but I want him to wrap me up in his arms and hold me close like he did those few nights after Lucius' wedding. He's always sympathetic. He always knows what to say to make me feel better, and his hugs always make me feel safe. But it's fine. Lucius has always taken care of me. Lucius has always given me nice things and made sure I was getting good grades and taking my potions like I'm supposed to. Instead of wanting to go somewhere else, I should be grateful his manor is my home now. After all, I'm just poor trash. A failure. Ugly. Skinny, and nasty, and the reason everything is wrong. I put down my spoon, stare at a spot on the table, take a deep breath, and let my mind go blank.
After our week-long suspension is over, we all show up back in class for the last week of school. The other students begin whispering as soon as they see us. In the classes we have with the Gryffindors, the professors make sure to separate us from Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew as much as possible. They sit Potter and me on completely opposite sides of the room on the diagonal. They sit him in front and me in the back. It's hard to focus because it feels like everybody is judging me, even the professors. I'm so stressed and miserable that I start eating even less than I was before O.W.L's, and it becomes impossible for me to focus on my classes. On the last day of school, I am so exhausted I just sit with my head on my desk trying to ignore the horrible hunger pangs. None of the professors say anything.
When our last class is finally over, John taps on my shoulder, "Hey, you coming?"
I look up at him with bleary eyes and nod slowly. As I stand up, I sway, and grab the back of my chair to steady myself.
"Are you okay? You look like you're going to be sick," he says.
I shake my head, and say, "I don't feel so good."
"Well, if you're going to throw up, don't do it on me. Go to the bathroom or something. I'll see you at dinner!" he waves, and walks away to go meet up with the rest of our friends, leaving me behind.
I blink, and my vision slides in and out of focus. My heart is beating slow, and the cold in my bones is creeping all over my body. Shivering, I push my chair in, grab my bag from the ground, and slowly walk out of the classroom. The hallway is a blur. Maybe if I can just get away for a minute, I'll feel better. I take a deep breath, and take small, slow steps to the tapestry of the two fighting ogres. There's a little alcove behind it where, if nobody else is already there, I know I can be alone. When I get there, I slide behind the tapestry into the small corridor and duck into the little alcove. I turn so that my right ear is towards the corridor, drop my backpack, and, leaning against the wall, I slide to the floor. Shaking from the cold and from exhaustion, I pull my cloak tighter around my shoulders. Just as my eyes begin to close, I hear footsteps.
"Oh, Snivellous," Potter sighs, and my stomach churns, "You've been avoiding us!" He waves his wand, and my wand flies out of my pocket and into his hand, "You know what the ministry does to dark wizards, right?"
I don't answer. I don't even try to stand up.
"Hey, idiot, he asked you a question!" Black sneers, and kicks me in my ribs.
I wince at the pain and tears spring into my eyes. My body starts shaking as my heartbeat speeds up.
"What's happened to your smart mouth, Snivellous? Don't you have anything to say?!" Black snarls, and as he waves his wand, I'm hoisted up into the air by my ankles.
Potter smirks, and walks slowly towards me, twirling my wand in his fingers, "You do know what they do to dark wizards, right, Snivellous? Or are you too stupid to have read the paper?"
Upside down, I look into his eyes, but don't speak. There's no point.
Black lifts the spell and I fall hard onto the floor.
Potter squats down next to my head and grabs my hair, lifting my head up, "They snap their wands, don't they, Sirius?"
"No!" I gasp, but as I bring my hand up to try to rake my nails down his wrist to get him to let go of me, Black kicks me in my stomach. Potter lets go of my hair, and stands back up.
"James," Lupin says quietly.
"What?" Potter asks.
"You'll get expelled for snapping another student's wand."
"Merlin, Remus, you're such a worry wart! I wasn't actually going to snap his wand!" Potter laughs, "But if if breaks on its own, I'm sure Snivellous' sugar daddy can buy him a new one!" He pelts my wand down the corridor as if he's throwing a quaffle. It hits the opposite wall and loudly clatters to the floor, and I'm reminded of how hard my mum had to work to scrounge up enough money to buy me my own wand. But that was a different time.
Pettigrew snickers behind Black's back.
"How much time do you think you'll have to spend on your knees this summer to earn a new wand, Snivellous?" Black sneers, and kicks me again.
I whimper from the pain, and will myself to try to fight back, but my bones feel like ice, and my muscles hurt. I mumble into the floor, "I'm not like that."
They laugh, and Potter squats back down and grabs my hair again, lifting my head back up, "Speaking of Malfoy, he didn't look too pleased at that meeting when you and your friends got suspended. What did he do to you when you got back to his house? Spank you?"
Pettigrew snickers again. I want to rip his throat out.
My stomach cramps with another hunger pang, and I can't help but wince. I cover my stomach with my arm, and tears begin rolling down my cheeks.
Black grabs my arm, rips it away from my stomach, and pulls me up, "Answer the question, fuck-face!"
I try to get my feet underneath me, but when I try to put weight on my legs, my knees buckle, and I hang from Black's grasp like a ragdoll. Why did I come here? I should have gone with John! I promised Lucius I wouldn't go off on my own anymore! Now none of my friends know where I am. I'm all alone, and nobody's coming to help me, "Lucius doesn't hit me," I mumble, trying to fill my head with good memories.
"So? What was it, then? Did you get sent to bed with no dinner?" Potter sneers, tossing his wand from hand to hand and slowly advancing on me.
As Black slams me into the wall, I catch a glimpse of Lupin. He's looking away, and hugging his arms around himself.
"You know, James, he weighs about as much as a chihuahua. Kinda acts like one, too, if you ask me. You think we should give him something to eat?" Black smiles nastily, putting his left hand around my neck and letting go of my arm.
I wrap my fingers around his arm, digging my nails into his skin, but he just presses me harder into the wall.
"You're so thoughtful, Sirius! I think that's a great idea! What do you think? Slugs?" Potter taunts, pointing his wand at my face.
"I was thinking dog treats, actually. Remus, don't you still have some in your pocket from Hogsmeade the other day?" Black asks, turning to Lupin.
Lupin nods, and, still refusing to look at me, digs in his pocket and puts a handful of dog treats into Black's outstretched fingers.
Black lets go of my neck, and I collapse to the floor, covering my head with my arms.
Potter pulls my arms away from my head and flips me onto my back, and Black shoves the dog treats into my mouth. I gag, but he covers my mouth so that I can't spit the dog treats out.
"See you at dinner, Snivellous! Good luck with your wand!" Potter laughs, and kicks me as he walks away, "Come on, guys!"
Black lets go of me and stands up as I spit out the dog treats. Before he leaves with his friends, he says, "Don't be a bad lapdog for Malfoy this summer, okay? That's all you're good for, anyways."
Pettigrew and Potter laugh, and the four of them duck out from behind the tapestry into the corridor while I curl up into a ball, shivering and crying.
After a while, I summon every ounce of strength left in my body and stand up. I shuffle down the hallway, praying that when I find my wand, it isn't broken. When I find it, I shove it in my pocket and stagger out from behind the tapestry. Once I'm in the light of the corridor, I take my wand out and inspect it. Thankfully, it's just got a few scratches, but no cracks. I put it carefully back in my pocket, and start walking mechanically towards the Great Hall. My mouth is parched, and still tastes like dog treats, and even though I'm scared to eat in front of everybody, I know I need to. Maybe I can just put some food in my backpack and eat when we get to our dorm room.
When I finally make it to the Great Hall, dinner has already started. I collapse at the Slytherin table next to Evan and Joseph, and, exhausted, put my elbows on the table and rest my face in my hands.
"Where have you been?!" Evan exclaims.
I shake my head, grab a glass of water, and chug it. When the taste of the dog treats doesn't go away, I grab a glass of pumpkin juice and drink that, too.
"Where have you been?" Evan asks again.
"I was sick after class," I mumble, taking a turkey sandwich and a few chips and putting them on my plate. I gingerly cut the sandwich into eight pieces so that it looks like more than it really is, and take a tiny bite out of one of the pieces.
By the time dinner is over, I've only eaten three eighths of my sandwich, and three chips. Before the food disappears, I hastily wrap up the rest of my sandwich, a roast beef sandwich, my chips, and two muffins. I put them in my backpack along with a banana. My friends and I stand up and head back to our common room. I'm feeling a little stronger after eating, but I still don't feel good. My ribs and stomach are hurting from where I was kicked, and my jaw is a little sore. I put my backpack down next to my bed, take out my dad's old sweater from the factory and my black sweatpants, and begin hastily getting changed.
"Hey, what's that bruise on your ribs from?" Evan asks.
"What are you talking about?" I ask, turning so that my back is completely facing him, "I don't have a bruise on my ribs."
"Yeah, actually you do," Clarence says, looking over at me, "You've got a couple of big ones on your stomach, too."
I hastily try to pull my sweater over my head, but Evan's already stepped over.
He reaches around me and grabs the sweater out of my hands. Before I can react, Evan puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me around to face him. His eyes travel from the bruises on my neck down to my ribs and my stomach then back up again. He raises his left hand and puts his fingers lightly around my neck, fitting them to the bruises Black left. He frowns, and lets go of me, saying, "You've got to stop going off on your own."
"He went to the bathroom to throw up after class! He should be able to at least go throw up on his own without getting attacked!" John exclaims, "I hate those guys! At least I fight fair, you know?"
"Exactly!" says Joseph, "How is the magic we used after O.W.L's worse than them ambushing Severus while he's alone and beating him up? No offense, mate, but you look half-dead! If I was going to go after you, I'd at least let you eat a cheeseburger first!"
My mouth twists into a small smile.
"Speaking of eating," Evan says quietly, "Why don't you eat a little more of your sandwich from dinner? I know you wrapped it up to finish later."
"Yeah, I'll finish it. I have some other stuff, too, if you guys want some," I shrug.
"That's okay, we all actually ate more than one crumb at dinner. It's all yours!" Joseph snorts.
I look towards Clarence and John, but they shake their heads, and say they're already full. Now that I'm just with my friends, I find eating a lot easier, so while we stay up talking, I finish everything I took from the Great Hall. I only mean to finish my one sandwich, but once I start eating, I can't stop.
The next morning, I have more energy, and feel a bit stronger. I eat a little at breakfast, and pack up more food in my backpack to take on the train with us. As we walk down to the train, I notice more professors walking with the students than before, specifically walking near my friend group and Potter's friend group. They must be trying to make sure we don't get into a fight.
I point this out to John, and he shakes his head, "Fucking stupid if you ask me. If they'd just dealt with Potter and Black from the beginning, none of us would be in this mess at all. And they have the nerve to act as though we're the bad guys while you're the one with bruises all over your body. Fucking stupid."
"Shh!" Clarence whispers, glancing nervously over towards Slughorn, "I think Slughorn heard you."
"Good!" John says cockily, "I hope he did. I'm probably not taking Potions anymore, anyways, and besides, he acts as though he's the only one around here with connections. I don't need his help. Never have."
"He's still our head of house. We don't want any trouble," Clarence says, hitching his backpack back up.
"Clarence is right," I mumble, "We just need to keep our heads down. And I'm still taking Potions, so I still have to pretend to like him."
"That's true. You're going for your mastery, aren't you? And you're what, Vice-President of Potions Club?" John asks.
I shake my head, letting my hair conceal my small smile, "President. Elections were yesterday."
"Congratulations, mate! That's great! Are you excited?" Clarence exclaims, patting me on the back.
I shrug, "Yeah, I reckon so. I just hope Slughorn doesn't try to interfere too much. He was annoying last year. Always popping in and taking over."
"Bloody control freak," John mutters, glaring at Slughorn again, "Honestly, fuck all the professors, especially Dumbledore. They're all fucking stupid. I don't know why you're not more angry, Severus, you're the one who got choked with soap and almost stripped in public! And they were messing with you again yesterday! You should be able to at least go throw up in peace! You should be angrier than all of us combined!"
I mumble, "I am angry. But there's no point in wasting my energy getting worked up about it. It won't change anything. It never has. At this point, I'm just trying to survive till we graduate."
"That's cheerful," Joseph laughs, coming up behind us and nudging my shoulder, "Leave it to Severus to brighten up the day. What are we talking about?"
"How stupid this whole situation is," John frowns, "Once we're out of here, you'd better believe we'll get all these idiots back for treating us like shit."
"Shh!" Clarence whispers again, "Do you want to get in trouble?! Don't talk about it here! We can talk about it when we get our compartment."
Suddenly, I hear quick footsteps behind me to my right, and I whirl around, drawing my wand, then, seeing Evan, I breathe a sigh of relief and put my wand back in my pocket, "Don't sneak up on me!"
Evan smiles and picks me up, "I wasn't! Calm down! I was just coming back from talking to Sprout about my Herbology exam."
"Hey! Put me down!" I exclaim.
"Fine, gosh. Touchy!" Evan laughs, letting me go, "Anyways, let's get a compartment towards the back if we can. Did you bring any food, Sev?"
"Yeah," I say, slinging my backpack off my back and opening it so Evan can see all the food I took from the Great Hall, "I got lots of good stuff for you! I wrapped an entire roast beef sub-sandwich up in some of those napkins! And I took some cookies, and some of those sour cream chips..."
"Did you bring your backpack just so you had something to carry all the food you stole?" Clarence grins.
"Of course! Evan told me to bring food for us!"
Joseph chuckles, and grabs a muffin out of my backpack.
As I step into the train, the hair on the back of my neck prickles, and I turn to lock eyes with Potter. He smiles nastily at me, and steps onto the train. A shiver goes down my spine, and I hope that whatever compartment we sit in is far away from him and his friends.
