July 1st, 1978

I get initiated a month before my friends do. When it's time to show my dueling skills, he lets me choose who I want to duel. All the men in the circle are wearing masks, so I can't tell who they are. I turn back to The Dark Lord, and say, "Dolohov. If he's here." I know that it's risky, but I want to make him suffer. And I think I know what his strategy will be. Besides, I have an ace up my sleeve.
Dolohov steps out of the circle and hands his mask to the man standing beside him. He's smiling nastily at me, and mouths, "Bold move, little slut."
I just smirk at him.
We bow quickly, then, as his wand flicks from under his cloak, I dodge to the right. A flash of red light flies past my left ear, right where my head had been a second before. I let him throw a couple more spells, then, once I've learned his timing, as I dodge, I send a simple jinx at him to knock him off his feet. He wasn't expecting me to shoot, and my little jinx hits him square in the chest, knocking him over. As he falls, I watch his wand and dodge to my left as he sends another spell at me. As he gets back up, I knock him back again, and instead of attacking, I dodge. After a few minutes of dodging, weaving, casting Protego, and watching Dolohov get progressively more frustrated and tired of throwing spells at me, I cast Levicorpus. Before he can register what happened, I cast Expeliaremus and watch his wand fly out of his hand. As he realizes he's lost the fight, I cast Liberacorpus, and as he drops to the floor, I point my wand at his chest and cast Sectumsempra. There is a collective gasp from the circle of watching Death Eaters, and I saunter slowly over to Dolohov. Blood is gushing from large slashes across his chest.
I squat down next to his head and murmur, "I'm happy to heal you, you know, since we'll be teammates soon. All you have to do is ask."
One tear runs down his cheek, and he turns his face away.
"Now, now, be a good boy," I whisper, repeating the phrase he used to say to me whenever I would try to push his hands away or cross my legs, "Ask nicely, and I'll heal you. Go on!"
"Help me!" he gasps.
"That's not the word I'm looking for," I smile.
"Please!"
"Listening to yourself beg isn't much fun, is it?" I sneer, and cast the counter curse. Pleased with the message I've conveyed, I stand up and turn to face the Dark Lord as somebody else from the watching circle hustles forward to help Dolohov up.
"That was impressive, Severus," hisses the Dark Lord, "I must admit you surprised me. You are not as you seem. I am surprised Dumbledore hasn't tried to win you over yet. Or has he?"
"He never had time for me. None of the professors ever did," I mumble, looking down.
"They thought of you as nothing but a poor, weak, angry child, unworthy of love or attention, didn't they?" he croons.
I look up at him, finally feeling as though somebody understands.
"Well," the Dark Lord smiles, "that's their loss. Lucius has shown me your incredible poisons, but I did not expect you to be so strategic and adept with dueling as well. He never said anything about the spells you clearly created," he says, and glances at somebody in the circle behind me I assume to be Lucius.
I glance behind me, then look back at the Dark Lord, saying, "I never told him. I didn't want him to be mad at me. My parents died when I was 15, and he took me in. I owe him a lot, and I didn't want him to not like me anymore."
"That's not the whole truth, is it?" he sneers.
I shake my head, and mumble, "No, my lord."
"You have a lot of secrets, don't you, Severus?"
I look up at him, and cock my head, considering what to say, then, slowly, I ask, "Don't we all?"
The Dark Lord laughs coldly, and says, "That is true! But nobody keeps their secrets from me."
As his eyes lock with mine, I take a deep breath and focus on his pupils. I forget Lily's family and how special they were to me, but I don't forget James Potter and Sirius Black. I don't forget my father.

Once I finally feel his presence withdraw from my mind, I stumble, exhausted.
"You've done well. Kneel before me, Severus, and become one of us," he hisses.
Legs too tired to hold myself up anymore, I fall to my knees. He holds my limp left arm in his long fingers, and as he presses the tip of his wand to my flesh, pain such as I have never experienced floods through my body from his wand tip, and I can't silence the screams that are rent from my mouth. After what feels like years, the pain is gone, and I lay on the floor twitching, eyes half closed. I can feel the blood from my dark mark seeping onto my clothes.
I hear the Dark Lord dismiss the rest of the Death Eaters as if from miles away, then he says, "Thank you for delivering this one to me, Lucius. You've done very well."
"My lord, I live to serve you," Lucius murmurs.
"And let us hope you never forget it. Help him up. His body was almost too weak to withstand the mark. It's a shame. He would be the perfect specimen if only he had a stronger constitution," the Dark Lord muses, "Well? Take him away. He needs to get some rest if he's going to be useful to anybody."
"Yes, my lord," Lucius says, and I hear his footsteps drawing close to me, "Can you stand up?"
I shake my head as my foot twitches involuntarily.
Lucius sighs, and my joints scream in agony as he picks me up, "You did it. I'm proud of you," he murmurs into my right ear. He carries me up to my bedroom and reads to me from his conservative newspaper while Narcissa cleans the blood dripping from my left arm. As I start to fall asleep, I hold my special quilt and my rabbit plushie close to me. Narcissa blows out the candle on the bedside table, and Lucius takes my wand. He locks the door on his way out. It doesn't matter, though— it's far too late for me to run away now.

When I wake to the sound of the door creaking open, the sheets are tangled, my body is sore, and my head hurts the way it did after my father would beat me unconscious. My left forearm is coated in dried and cracked blood, and I feel exceedingly weak. When I look over, I see Lucius.
"Good, you're awake," he says as he walks over and sits down by my head and places my wand back on the bedside table, "You look awful— can you sit up? We need to get some food in you."
For once, I do not argue with him about the food. I follow him to the dining room, where I quietly eat half my plate of eggs. I even drink some of the milk and have a couple of strawberries without protest, but I refuse to eat any toast. After eating, I wash my face and brush my teeth, then read in the living room with Lucius and Narcissa all afternoon. At lunch, I eat half of the turkey sandwich they give me and drink a tall glass of water, but I refuse to eat the apple or chocolate chip cookie.

After lunch, I breach the question, "So what now?"
"What do you mean?" asks Lucius.
"What am I supposed to do? I haven't even had time to apply for a job yet. What am I supposed to do for money? I have a bit saved from selling potions and tutoring, but I'll need to have a job and—"
"I talked to the manager at Slug & Jigger and you'll have a job preparing supplies and making the potions that Healers from St. Mungo's have prescribed for people– like how we used to have to go pick up your concussion potions. I've also talked to the Dark Lord, and it appears as though you will also be busy making potions for him for a while. On the weekends, I'd like you to make some extra potions that we can continue selling."
"I mean, that's awesome about Slug & Jigger, but I just feel like I'm a little tired of constantly making potions, and my wrists are really bad. Do you think I could take a break outside of my job and what the Dark Lord wants me to do? My wrists are always in pain or asleep, and I've had to keep my wrist braces on constantly lately."
"Don't be silly, Severus. I'm sure your wrists will be fine. Just rest them for a couple of days."
"But they won't. I either need to rest them for a long time, or go to St. Mungo's and have them do relaxing spells on them, but I can't do that now because of this!" I raise my left arm to show him my dark mark, "And what about my friends? I won't have any time to see them! Or do anything that I want to do!"
"Excuse me— I have been supporting you since you were a first-year. I think your wrists are going to be just fine. I'm going to ask you one question, and I hope you answer correctly— do you have some sort of problem with this arrangement?"
"I already said that I really appreciate everything you've done for me, but," I say, choosing my words carefully, "I'm an adult now, so I really shouldn't have to do everything you say anymore, right? And I won't be able to make potions well if my wrists won't let me!"
"What a ridiculous idea, really, Severus, I don't know what's gotten into you. Just because you're marked now and won your little duel against Dolohov, you think you're in a position to just go off on your own?" he says softly, "Look at you— you say you're an adult, but I don't think you've ever even used your razor, and forgive me, but you're still so small."
My face turns red, and suddenly, an odd memory of being on my back by the fire, shirt hanging off my shoulders, and wrists pinned to the floor by my head shoves its way into my head. Then, as soon as it comes, it's gone. Confused, and unsure of what just happened, I take a deep breath, shake my head, then respond, "Well, I really don't think my body is any of your business," I say, face calm, just failing to look him in the eye.
"Come now, Severus. Your voice has barely deepened since I met you. You don't think I wouldn't notice something like that? I'm only trying to make your life easier," he croons, slowly circling me, like a wolf preparing to spring, "and really, don't you think it would be kind of you to help me out a bit? All you have to do is make some extra potions to help me. Think about it, I've done so much for you since you were a child, can't you do this one extra thing for me?"
"I mean, yeah, I guess so. But can my friends at least hang out with me while I work?" I'm pathetic.
"Of course, Severus! What a wonderful idea! I'm sure they would love to hang out with you here. I'm so glad you are seeing sense now," he says as he guides me to the couch.
"Yes," I whisper, staring into the fire.
"Good. Now I have work to attend to. What about you? Oh! How about you work on something new?" he exclaims, using roughly the same tone of voice as Lily's father used to use when telling Lady that he was going to take her for a walk, "I bought you some new ingredients the other day! Why don't you go take a look?"
"Okay. Thanks, Lucius" I murmur, still staring into the fire, thinking about how tired I am of potions, and how all I want is a break.
"It's the least I could do," he says genially, patting me on the shoulder, "now go entertain yourself. I'll see you in a few hours!"
"Wait!" I say, grabbing his wrist before he goes.
"Yes?"
"I'm confused. I think there's something wrong with me," I mumble, looking at my knees.
"What do you mean?" Lucius says, sitting down next to me.
"My brain keeps doing things that don't make sense. It doesn't happen that often, but once in a while, I think I remember something bad, but then it goes away again and I can't remember what I just remembered. Does that ever happen to you?"
Lucius frowns, then looks away, saying, "Hmm, it's probably just a side effect of all those concussions you got when you were younger. Do you have any idea what you're remembering and why?"
I shake my head, "I don't know. That's what's scaring me. It's there, then suddenly it's not. Like I blacked out then came back all in one second. I don't know how many times it's happened, but I feel like it's only happened a few times. I don't think it started happening until a couple years ago, either."
"I wonder if… never mind. I'll ask about it next time Narcissa and I go to St. Mungo's. We go once a month for her potions, anyways. Hopefully one of these months they'll work."
"Okay. Thank you, Lucius. I hope they work, too. I'm excited for you to have a baby someday. I'm sorry I was being difficult earlier, I just don't like it that my wrists always hurt."
"It's alright, Severus. You had a tough night last night, so it's not surprising that you're not feeling quite yourself today. And I'm sure Narcissa can learn how to do those relaxing spells for your wrists. She's good with that sort of spellwork. Anyways, I do need to go now, but you try to have a good rest of your day, alright? Do something fun! Make something new!" he says, trying to sound cordial. I flash him a small smile, and he pats my back, gets up, and leaves the room.

After a few minutes, Narcissa comes in quietly with her knitting, "Why don't we go do something fun?" she asks quietly.
"Can we go to Diagon Alley? My wrists have been really bad since I took my exam for my potions mastery, and Lucius said maybe you could learn how to do the relaxing spells like they do at St. Mungo's!"
She frowns slightly, and says, "I can try. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it as well as they can, but at least it'll be something to help you out a bit."
"Thanks, Narcissa. I should probably take a shower before we go," I say, trying to sound happy.
"I need to do my hair and makeup as well. Why don't we go ahead and get ready now so we'll still have plenty of time at Diagon Alley?"
I nod, and we head upstairs to make ourselves presentable.

Once I've showered and thrown on my black jeans, old boots, and an old, long-sleeve t-shirt, Narcissa knocks on my open door and walks into my room. She's wearing an auburn, mid-length skirt, a cream colored blouse, and nude-colored high heels. She has on the pearl earrings Lucius got her last Christmas, her signature red lipstick, and her blonde hair is in a french twist.
"You look nice!" I tell her.
"Thank you!" she smiles, "You look like something the cat dragged in, don't you?"
I shrug.
"Why don't you at least put on your nicer shoes and a shirt that doesn't have holes in it?"
I don't want to change, but I want to make her happy, so I agree, and grab my nicer shoes from my wardrobe and pull out a couple of shirts, "Which one should I wear?"
"Hmm, how about that one?" she asks, pointing to the gray button-down shirt, "Or what about that nice gingham one behind you? That's cute!"
"Okay," I smile, putting the gray shirt back and getting out my blue gingham button-down that Lucius got me four years ago. When I take my long sleeve shirt off and try to put the gingham shirt on, but it's too tight across the shoulders.
Narcissa giggles, and comes over to me to look in the collar of my shirt, "This must be old! What size is it? Oh, sweetheart, it's for 11 year olds!
I shrug, feeling terrible about myself, and take the shirt off, "I'll save it for your kid. If you have a boy, he can wear it when he's old enough."
"That sounds lovely! Thank you! We should go through your clothes later today and put away the ones that are too small now. Well, go ahead and put on that gray shirt and I'll do your hair, alright?"
I hand her the gingham shirt to fold up, and put on the gray button-down. I think I'll start skipping lunch again.

Before we set out, she puts a few natural looking waves in my hair, and smiling at me in the mirror, she says, "Lucius told me he never knew you could duel the way you did last night. I wasn't there, obviously. That's no place for a lady, unless you're Bellatrix."
I smile back.
"He said he was nervous when you asked to duel with Antonin. He really thought you had a death wish!" she laughs, "And when you started using easy little jinxes, he said he was so nervous for you! He said some of the other men were making bets earlier on how quickly you would lose your duel. Nobody bet that you would actually win! I mean, you're so little, and everybody knows you're good at potions, nobody was expecting you to be any good at dueling as well! According to Lucius, they all thought you'd just be a one-trick hippogriff!"
"The only reason I'm any good at dueling is because I've had to be. You sort of get good at turning people's strengths into their weaknesses after a while. I knew Dolohov was older than Lucius, and he seemed the type that would be aggressive in a fight. It made sense to lure him into a false sense of security, then to strike quickly and decisively."
She's quiet for a minute, then says, "I've never enjoyed dueling. If I wasn't Mrs. Malfoy now, I think I'd want to be a hairdresser," she murmurs while brushing out my waves and spraying some hairspray to make them hold.
"Why don't you become one?"
"But, Severus, for a lady to work is like saying that the family doesn't have enough money, and that's shameful! I wouldn't want it to look as if I'm forced to work! Lucius is more than capable of providing an income, and I wouldn't want his co-workers or our friends to start thinking poorly of him."
"Oh, I didn't know that. My mum always worked, but I guess we were always poor, so that makes sense. I still feel like you'd have a lot of fun being a hairdresser, though."
"Yes, it would be fun. Oh well, at least I can practice on you and Lucius. And hopefully we'll have a baby soon, so when the baby's hair grows, I can do their hair as well!" Narcissa smiles, then fluffs my hair one last time before touching up her lipstick and saying, "Well, shall we go then?"

While we're at Diagon Alley, we get coffee, then go to Flourish & Blott's to read. We pick up various books, then curl up in the armchairs near the back and read while we sip our coffee. I read a book about poisons, and Narcissa finds a book for healers that details spells to use for various joint and tendon injuries. When we get bored, I buy the books for us with some of the money I have saved up from selling potions and tutoring. It feels good to be able to buy something with my own money. When we leave the bookstore, we head over to the clothing store. Narcissa wants to look at the baby clothes, and I'm happy to oblige. I'm excited for them to have a baby someday, especially since I know they've been trying for a few years now!
"Should we get Lucius something?" she asks thoughtfully, holding up a little onesie with strawberries all over it.
"Sure! What about these shoes?" I smirk, holding up a pair of pink baby shoes, "He could wear them to work. He'd look real cute!" Narcissa laughs
"Or this!" she exclaims, putting the onesie away and picking up a pale yellow romper.
"No way! That'd clash horribly with his hair."
"How about these?" she holds up a pink tutu and a white romper, "To go with the shoes!"
"Perfect!" I laugh.
In the end, we buy Lucius a new scarf, I get a new pair of black work boots, and Narcissa gets a new pair of gloves. We stop by the ice cream parlor on our way back to the manor. Narcissa buys a small cup of strawberry ice cream for us to share. I don't feel too nervous eating with her. I like that she doesn't tell me what to do.

When we get home, she brings her knitting down to the lab and we chat while I prep ingredients for tomorrow. Lucius told me to work on my potions, so I don't want to make him angry. My mark is starting to become sore, and when the tingling in my hands and wrists turns to numbness, I stop chopping ingredients and put them away clumsily. I turn the water I keep in a bucket into ice cubes and shove both my arms roughly into it. The ice feels good on my mark, and helps bring some feeling back into my hands and wrists. If I just had a chance to rest, maybe my wrists would start healing, but I guess I won't get a chance for a long while yet.
"Is your carpal tunnel acting up again?" Narcissa asks.
"It's always acting up, it's just worse when I have to make potions."
"Well, why don't I try out that spell for your wrists? I saw a few of them in the book you bought me that I think might help you. I'm sure I can do it, it just might not be as good as they do it at St. Mungo's."
"Sure, I mean, what's the worst that could happen?" I grin.
She laughs, and playfully whacks my arm with the book I bought her, saying, "I'm not going to hurt you, probably! Hold out your wrists and let me try!"
"Okay, okay!" I laugh, holding out my wrists to her.
She opens the book to the page she wants, then tries one of the spells on my left wrist, "Anything?" she asks.
I shake my head.
She tries again, but waves her wand more sharply this time.
I wince as my wrist cramps up.
"Sorry! Let me try again!"

After about 15 minutes, Narcissa finally gets the spell correct, and my wrist relaxes. She does my right wrist next. It definitely doesn't feel as good as when the healers do it at St. Mungo's, but at this point, any relief from the pain and tingling is something, so I thank her profusely. She pats me on the back, says that she's happy to help, and hands me my wrist-braces to put on. I put them on, roll down my sleeves, and follow her upstairs, pretending as if the snake and skull burned into my left arm doesn't exist.

The day my friends are set to be initiated, the Dark Lord pulls me aside privately after our meeting. I catch Bellatrix's eye as she leaves the room, and she glowers at me. I raise one eyebrow at her and turn to face the Dark Lord.
"I'm sure you are excited for your friends today, Severus," he says, red eyes boring into mine and smiling coldly. I take a deep breath and clear my mind. I know that smile normally makes the rest of the Death Eaters' blood run cold, but it doesn't scare me nearly as much as my father did.
"Yes, my lord! And the veritaserum will be finished tonight, as well," I say, "It just needs to cure under the full moon for a couple of hours."
"Good. That's very good. I am glad to have you, Severus. You are extremely valuable."
"Thank you, my lord. I am glad to be here."
"As you should be. When you are finished with the veritaserum, please leave it in vials in the lab. I will come collect it after your friends are initiated."
I open my mouth to respond, but he hisses, and Nagini, his snake, uncoils herself and slithers up his chair to rest on his shoulders. I give her a slight smile. I know the other Death Eaters are afraid of her, but why should they be? The only time she's dangerous is when the Dark Lord wants her to be.
"Do you like her?" he asks.
"Yes, my lord. She's beautiful."
"Would you like to pet her? She is very smooth."
"May I?"
He smiles coldly at me, and hisses at her. She slithers over to me, and I look at him briefly for consent to touch her. He nods, so I reach out my left hand and stroke her green head. She tickles my wrist with her forked tongue, and I giggle softly.
"You're such a pretty pretty lady!" I croon at her, remembering how I used to pet Lily's dog, "Such a good girl! Thank you for letting me pet her!" I exclaim.
The Dark Lord calls her back, and dismisses me.

When I get down to my lab, I find Lucius waiting for me, "Hi!" I smile at him.
"Everything alright?" he asks.
"Mm hmm! I got to pet Nagini! He said to leave the vials of my potion in here tonight, and he'll come get them after initiation. We're all going to John's apartment tonight!"
"It's an honor that he trusts you to let you pet Nagini," he says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"Uh huh! I mean, yes it is! She's super smooth! I thought she would be slimy, but she's not! And she licked me! It was cute! And—"
"That's nice. Severus, I don't think you should spend the night with your friends tonight."
"Why not?" I frown.
"Don't you have something you should be working on?"
"The potion will be done after initiation is over. I already said the Dark Lord told me he'd pick it up when he was done."
"Oh, then you should bottle it up and go straight to bed so you're not tired tomorrow!"
"I don't have work tomorrow. I don't even have a meeting or anything to do at all. I can afford to sleep in and spend time with my friends! Why does it matter to you where I stay, anyways?"
"I'm just looking out for you, Severus. Remember that conversation we had last month?"
"Yes, but I should be allowed to spend the night with my friends if I want to!"
"Should you be?"
Frustrated, I snap, "I do everything you want, and I never complain! I've never said no to you, even when I'm busy or scared! I go to work, come back here to work on potions for the Dark Lord, and do everything you tell me to do!" my voice is getting louder, but I don't care, "And actually, I'm not a kid anymore, so you can't tell me what to do! I don't have to ask you permission to do anything!"
"Severus, you are blowing things way out of proportion. I'm just looking out for you, and I don't appreciate how you're speaking to me. You're acting like a child, and I think you need to calm down," his voice is low and threatening, but right now, I'm too angry to let his words affect me.
"No, I'm not! I mean it, Lucius! I'm tired of never getting to do anything I wanna do! I wanna see my friends and I wanna take a break from making potions all day, but I never get to because you won't fucking let me! My wrists hurt so bad, but you never care! I never get a fucking break, and it's not fair! YOU DON'T OWN ME!" I know I am yelling, and I try to take a deep breath, but it doesn't work.
"Do not use that kind of language in my house, DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
"I don't care!" I can feel myself losing control as a reckless rage takes over me. The cauldron begins to shake, and it's far too late to take deep breaths anymore, "I DON'T CARE!" I yell as my set of knives rattle on the cutting board and fall to the floor.
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" he yells, slamming his fist on the wall next to my head.
"Or what? You'll shut it for me? Hit me! I fucking DARE you! Touch me and see what happens!" I draw my wand and point it at his face, "You're not the Dark Lord! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!" The empty vials by the wall shatter, and Lucius ducks as glass flies everywhere, and a vicious smile twists my face to see the fear in his eyes.
He stands back up, and his voice shakes slightly as he says, "I think we both need some space. I'm going upstairs to sit by the fire with Narcissa. When you've gotten this insanity out of your system, you may join us." He turns on his heel, striding back out of the lab and back up the stairs.

I stand rooted to the spot for a minute, just processing what happened. I take a deep breath, roll out my neck, and force myself to relax my shoulders. I cast Reparo on the empty vials, and check my cauldron to make sure the potion is alright. Thankfully, it was covered, so no glass got into it. I wish Evan was here. He would hold me and help me calm down. But I've been so busy that I haven't been able to spend time with him for a few weeks now. I wonder if he even still likes me the way he did when we were in school. Maybe he's already moved on and is dating Katherine Greengrass, like his parents expect him to. I shake my head, and walk slowly back up the stairs. Lucius looks at me and raises one eyebrow when I stop at the entrance of the living room. I cross my arms and glare back at him.
"I'm going to stay with my friends tonight. I'm sorry I lost my temper. It won't happen again."
"That's fine. I also shouldn't have lost my temper. Sometimes I suppose I forget you're no longer a child. You are an adult, and are well within your rights to make decisions for yourself, however unwise they may be," he drawls, "Though you would do well to heed my advice."
"Thanks," I say curtly. I won't rise to his bait in front of Narcissa. She doesn't need to be stressed out by our bickering.
"Would you like any help with your potion?"
"Actually, that would be great!" I smile, unfolding my arms and walking over to him. I see Narcissa smiling out of the corner of my eye, "There are still a few more ingredients that need to be chopped if you want to help me with that!"
"It would be my pleasure," he smirks, and stands up to follow me back down to the lab.
"Severus," Narcissa calls out, then beckons to me to come over to her. When I get to her, she gets out her wand, tells me to roll up my sleeves, and does a few relaxing spells on my wrists to help me get through the rest of the day.
I thank her, and walk downstairs with Lucius.

When we get downstairs, I tell him what needs to be done, and he gets started.
"Thank you for helping me with that. Chopping really messes up my wrists. Well, stirring hurts the most, but it's nice to at least not have to deal with one other thing, you know?" I say after a while.
"I didn't realize your wrists were still bothering you," he responds.
"Yeah, they've been worse than ever because all I ever do is work on potions. If I'm not working on potions, I always either have my braces on, have my wrists shoved into that ice bucket there, or have to have Narcissa do those relaxing spells for me. I really need to go to St. Mungo's, but I can't let them mess with my left arm. If I go, they'll want to do both wrists, and I can't just tell them they can't roll my sleeve up on my left arm, or they'll get suspicious."
"I understand. Well, you should take a break, then. Why don't you hold off on making more potions than you need for a little while and try to relax your wrists when you can?"
I hide my smile behind my hair and say, "That's a good idea. I think I'll do that! By the way, did you ask the healers at St. Mungo's about that weird thing that happens to me with my memory yet?"
"Oh! I must have forgotten to tell you! They said you were probably not remembering anything in particular, your brain was probably just confused and certain things around you are triggering your brain to send random signals," he says, not looking at me.
"What? What does that even mean?" I ask, furrowing my brow.
Lucius shrugs his shoulders, "It means that everything is fine, Severus. Don't think too much about it, but let me know if and when it happens again, alright?"
I raise my eyebrows, and slowly say, "If everything is fine, why do you need to know if it happens again? Do you know something you're not telling me?"
"Don't be paranoid, Severus. They said that it's a good idea to figure out what's triggering your brain to do those things, then you can work on shutting it down before it happens."
"That doesn't make sense," I shake my head.
"Well, that's what they said. You know I wouldn't lie to you! I'm just telling you exactly what they said."
"Are you sure nothing bad happened that I've forgotten about? 'Cause that's what it feels like. I don't know why, though. I don't remember anything from when it happens, but I always have a bad feeling after."
"Nothing that I know of, but lots of bad things have happened to you in your lifetime, unfortunately. Perhaps you're thinking of something that happened when your father was still alive!" he says, and gives me a one-armed hug.
"I guess," I shrug, not fully convinced, "Thanks for asking for me," then, suddenly, I remember waking up the morning after Dolohov gave me that lollipop, and my blood seems to run cold, "Wait," I murmur, grabbing Lucius' wrist.
He freezes, and after a few moments, says, "Yes?"
"Dolohov gave me that lollipop," I say slowly, tightening my grasp on Lucius' wrist, still staring at the wall.
"He did give you some candy when you were younger."
"But it wasn't just candy, was it?"
Lucius pauses. The tension in the room is thick enough to cut with a knife as he says, "No, but as soon as I realized he had put something in it, I sent him home and brought you straight to bed."
"Did you?" I glance at him, still holding onto his wrist. My other hand twitches as I consider grabbing my wand.
"Severus, I promise I never let him hurt you."
"What about those nights when I started taking my potion weekly instead of daily? When you gave me my potion and I fell asleep before they all left?"
He shakes his head, and says, "You would have woken up if anything had happened to you. You know as well as I do that that potion is strong, but not strong enough to keep the drinker asleep through anything more than a couple of loud noises."
That is true, but I just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, "What about those mornings I woke up without my clothes on?" I say very quickly. I can feel my cheeks turning red, and I look down, letting my hair cover my face.
He pauses for just a second, then says, "I wouldn't know anything about that. I'm sure you probably got hot at night and took them off yourself."
"But I… I've never done that sort of thing! I'm always cold!"
"Well, you did have some wine occasionally over that summer. Perhaps the wine made you feel warm? Though I didn't give you much. But you were young, and still recovering from your concussions, so it might have been enough to make you feel hot."
"Maybe… but, but…" Feeling confused, I loosen my grip on his wrist.
"That's the only thing I can imagine," he says. I glance quickly at his face. He's looking down at the table, and doesn't meet my eyes.
"Are you sure?" I ask, still looking at his face.
"Of course! Why would I lie to you, Severus? Trust me!" he croons.
Tentatively, I let go of his wrist and allow him to embrace me, "I do," I say, but I'm not so sure anymore. Like Rodolphus said to Dolohov all those years ago, there's no place in Lucius' life for a mistrusting, disobedient pet, and Lucius and Narcissa are all I've got right now, aside from Evan, and I haven't had the time to hang out with him in a while.

Because of Lucius' help and Narcissa's spells, I am able to finish brewing my veritaserum right before initiation. I turn off the fire, and run to my friends to wish them good luck. I tell them to make sure they remember all their spells for dueling, and to take deep breaths.
"It's gonna be okay, Evan, don't be scared, you'll be okay," I whisper into Evan's ear as I give him one last hug.
"I wish you were going to be there!" he says sadly.
"I know, but maybe it's best I won't be. I don't wanna see— well, never mind. I'll be there for you afterwards."
The door to the chamber opens, and a man in a mask I don't recognize tells my friends to come in. Evan looks back at me before the door closes, and I give him a small smile. When the door closes, I go back to the lab and haul my cauldron out under the full moon to finish the potion. Before we all go to John's apartment, I'll make sure to give them the blood replenishing potions I made.

The next time I'm at work, I go through Dolohov's chart from 1975. Sure enough, I find that around the time he would have given me that lollipop he bought a vial of Extra Strength Sleeping Potion, valerian roots, and cherry flavoring. Seething, as I put his chart away, the chart of Malfoy, Lucius catches my eye. I reach for it, then quickly withdraw my hand. Nothing I could learn from reading that chart would make me feel better, or change what may or may not have happened. It's best to forget. Everything is fine.