May 14th, 1980

One night, while we're eating supper, I hear a knock on the door. Evan opens it, and Lucius walks in.
"Hello?" Evan says, "Did Sev invite you?"
"No. Is it illegal for an old friend to drop by unannounced?" Lucius drawls, wiping his shoes off on the mat.
I run over, and give Lucius a hug, "Hi! How've you been? It's good to see you!"
"I'm fine. I see you've been enjoying yourself! Your house looks much nicer than it did when I was here last!"
"You should have said you were coming! I would have made more for supper!" I exclaim as he walks over to my couch.
"I just wanted to see how you were doing. I won't be staying for dinner," he says airily, sitting down on my couch and putting his shoes up on my coffee table.
I whisper to Evan to bring Lucius a glass of wine, and I go sit on the floor next to Lucius, "I'm doing well! I'm enjoying my job, and did you see my garden? It's looking really good!" I say, smiling at him.
"You've gained weight," he retorts, and my smile falters, "I'm glad to see you don't need me worrying about you anymore."
"No! Why would you say that?" I make a mental note to not eat breakfast tomorrow.
"Well, you haven't spent much time with Narcissa and me over the last few months. I only see you when you're on your way to or from your potions, or at meetings. I've done so much for you, you'd think you would be a bit more keen on spending time at the manor," he says, looking into my eyes.
"I'm sorry I haven't been spending a lot of time with you lately, I've just been busy. And Evan needed a place to stay when his lease ran out, so we've been trying to make this place nice is all! Please don't be mad at me!" I fight to keep the panic out of my voice.
"What's going on in here? Sev, are you okay?" calls Evan, as he walks into the living room carrying a bottle of wine and three glasses.
"Everything's fine, Evan! We're just catching up!" I say, clearing my mind and smiling at him. Lucius stands up.
"Where are you going?" I ask.
"Evan, don't you have somewhere to be?" he drawls, ignoring me.
"Oh man, that raid! Sev, I've gotta go! Can you clean up?" Evan exclaims.
Surprised, I say, "Uh, yeah! You didn't say you had a raid today!"
"I forgot! Thank you for reminding me, Lucius!"
"It was my pleasure. Enjoy yourself," Lucius sneers.
As Evan grabs his stuff off the stairs, I run over and give him a quick hug, saying, "Stay safe!"
"Don't worry about me! I'll be back later, I promise!" and he runs out the door.
"Why don't you clean up here and come spend some time at the manor, Severus?" Lucius says, coming over and putting his hand on my shoulder, "Narcissa misses you, too."
"Okay," I mutter. I clean up the dishes while Lucius sits on my couch and drinks his wine, then I return with him to the manor.

When I go back to Spinner's End that evening, Evan has not returned. It feels lonely and cold being in bed alone, but I eventually fall asleep. By the next morning, Evan's still not back. That day, while I'm working on a potion for the Dark Lord, Lucius comes into the lab and tells me Evan was killed by Alastor Moody in the raid. He says Joseph tried to bring his body back for a funeral, but it was lost to the river they were battling by. I start to feel my heart break, and I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
"Severus?" he says tentatively, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I take another deep breath and try to clear my mind. I didn't even tell him I loved him before he left.
"I... I thought..."
"He was a good friend, wasn't he?" Lucius asks, rubbing my shoulder.
I just nod. I blink quickly, trying to keep my eyes from watering up.
"It'll be alright. He knew what he was getting into when he joined. You have other friends, right?"
I know he's trying to comfort me in his own way, so I nod again.
He puts his arms around me and pulls me back to his chest. For a second, I want to tell him to stop touching me, but then I remind myself that what I want and how I feel don't matter anymore.

After I finish my potion, I go to Joseph's apartment to ask him what happened.
He opens the door, and sighs tiredly, "You here about Evan?"
I nod my head, feeling tears welling up in my eyes.
"Come on, I'll make some tea," he says, ushering me inside and closing the door.
"Hey, Severus! It's been a while! How are you?" Morgan smiles at me from the kitchen table as we walk in.
"Hey, Morgan," I mutter, looking at the floor.
"Would you mind giving us a minute?" Joseph murmurs to Morgan as he walks over to the kettle. I sit down, lay my head on my arms on the kitchen table.
"Of course, love," she says. On her way out, she gives me a short, one-armed hug.
When the tea is ready, Joseph pours me a cup and sets it down next to my head.
I don't move.
"I'm sorry— I should have told you yesterday," he says.
I choke as the tears start pouring down my face.
"He went down fighting, Sev."
"He didn't deserve to die!" I cry.
"I know. He was a good guy. He took a chunk of Moody's nose with him, though," Joseph chuckles, "so that's good!"
"Yeah, I guess," I sniff, wiping my eyes, grabbing my mug, and taking a sip of my tea.
"I'm sorry we couldn't find his body. We looked for ages, but he fell into the river. He was fighting up till the second he fell in! Never gave up."
I cover my head back up as the image of Evan falling into a river and drifting away pops into my mind.
"I know you two were really, really close. I'm so sorry he died. I was trying to help him— honest! But Moody's a beast! I couldn't even get near them! Every time I tried, another auror fenced me off!" When I don't respond, Joseph goes quiet and just lets me cry.
Finally, when I've managed to pull myself together, I finish my tea and thank Joseph for letting me know.
As I leave, Morgan gives me a hug, "I'm so sorry for your loss," she murmurs.
I just nod, and head back to Cokeworth.

As I look around my house and see his things lying around, I slump to the floor. Holding onto his turquoise sweater— the one he gave me so long ago— I let myself fall apart. After a few minutes, I put the sweater on, shoving my nose into the neck. I wipe my tears off with the sleeve, and rock back and forth on the floor, trying to calm down. What am I going to do now? I guess the only thing left for me to do is go back to Lucius. I'm pathetic. I really am just his little project. His lapdog. I walk to the bathroom to find a razor, then I remember that Evan stopped letting me have my own razors back when we were in school. The only time he'd let me touch them were the few times I needed to shave my peach fuzz, and he would sit in the bathroom the whole time with me to make sure I didn't cut. As if in a trance, I pack up my things. I take one last look around, then lock the doors of my house. I don't look back as I leave for the manor. My time with Evan was only a dream to forget, and he's not here to remind me anymore.

A few days after I've moved back to the manor, as I wait in my armchair for my newest batch of Moonseed Poison to simmer, I look again at the mark burned into my left arm. I almost can't believe it's been almost two years since I got it. Could I have said no? But no, I want to be here. Like Lucius said, where else would I go? This is where I belong, I think… I hear footsteps in the hall, and I quickly pull my sleeve back down and grab the book I left sitting on the table beside me.
"Come in" I say at the knock on the door.
"Man, that was one crazy raid," sighs Regulus as he stumbles into my lab. I quickly stand up and pull him over to my armchair. When he is settled, I sit down on the floor.
"What was it like?" I ask.
"I don't wanna talk about it. It was just crazy," he murmurs, and I notice the blood on his hands.
"That yours?" I ask casually, motioning toward it.
"No," he states. I walk over to the sink and wet a rag, then go back to him, kneeling down to clean off his hands. For a few minutes, we sit in silence, listening to the Moonseed Poison simmer away.
"Severus?" Regulus asks.
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever feel like, I don't know, like maybe you made the wrong—"
"Don't say it, Reg," I interrupt, "It's not good to talk about it. You know he finds everything out. You don't want to be in trouble. I know what you're gonna say, and trust me, you don't want to say it. It's better to keep our silence."
"I know. Sometimes I wonder, though, what it would be like if we were normal. If we didn't join."
"Yeah, I know. But it's good we did!" I say a little louder, just in case anybody is listening, "I'm so happy to be part of the Dark Lord's regime! I know that we're gonna take part in making the world a better place for wizards!"
Regulus' eyes start to tear up.
"Don't cry, Reg," I whisper, wrapping him up in a hug, "someday it will be okay. Just you wait," and I remind myself of my mother, saying the same thing to me, but it never was okay. It never got any better then, and I have a feeling that it will never get better now, either.
Regulus stays with me till I have finished the potion for the day. It needs to sit for another 24 hours, so we go upstairs to socialize with the rest of the company. They look surprised to see me, but welcome me jovially, if a little jealously. I talk mostly with my friends— I'll talk to Lucius after supper. Narcissa comes to bring us all pastries that she made while my friends were out. As she walks away, I whisper to her.
"You know, you can always visit me down in the lab. It gets pretty lonely down there" she smiles, rubbing her big, pregnant belly, and says that she definitely will.

From then on, I have lots of company. Narcissa comes down to hang out with me whenever she's not busy. She says that Lucius thinks it's sweet that she and I are friends, and that she's glad Lucius and I are still friends. She says that she's glad I'm back, and that she's missed spending time with me. She says that shopping for baby clothes and toys with Lucius just isn't the same as shopping with me, and that we need to plan a shopping trip soon. I smile, and tell her that I can't wait. I tell her that I'm excited to meet the baby. She says that I can touch her belly to feel the baby kick if I want. We spend the next few minutes with my hand on her belly, feeling the baby moving and talking to it.

Regulus comes to visit me after every raid, and whenever he breaks down, I hug him and wipe away his tears. When he tries to talk about it, I shush him. I tell him that we don't want to get in trouble. I tell him that I can try to make him some Felix Felicis, but he tells me that if I make it for him then I'd have to make it for everybody. I tell him I could ask the Dark Lord about it, but he refuses. He says that he wouldn't take it, anyways. He says that he is dispensable. I am not. That's why the Dark Lord keeps me away from the fighting. If I died, he would have nobody to make all the different poisons I know how to make. He says that my job is too important to waste time trying to save dispensable Death Eaters. I don't respond. I know what he says is true, and I hate myself for it.

About a month later, Regulus disappears. They all suppose that he was killed by one of the people in the Order of the Phoenix, but I think I know better. I wonder if I could have saved him. Did I shush him one too many times? What if he just needed to talk about something, but never had the chance? What if he had never joined? Would he still be alive today? Would Evan still be alive if he hadn't joined? Even Joseph almost died last time he was fighting. I had to give him three blood replenishing potions, and he still looked rough. Honestly, I wonder how many of us are going to make it out of this war in one piece. But it doesn't matter. We've all made our choices, and we can't go back in time. Instead of pondering things I can't change, I should be focusing on helping Narcissa and Lucius. Narcissa went into labor last night, and had the baby this morning, so I pack some snacks for her and head over to St. Mungo's.

When I get to their room, I hand Narcissa the snacks, and she hands me the baby, "His name is Draco," she says tiredly.
From the moment the infant touches my skin, I know in my heart that I will do anything I can to protect him, "Sweet Draco," I whisper to him, "you are so loved."
Narcissa and Lucius exchange glances, then Lucius turns to me, "Will you be his godfather?" he asks.
"Of course! I'd be honored," I respond, then, to Narcissa, I ask, "How are you feeling?"
Before Narcissa can respond, Lucius says, "We're tired! It's been a long night! It would have been nice if—"
"Right. Narcissa," I say, interrupting him, "How are you feeling? You've been through a lot! Was Lucius helpful? Did he behave himself?" I grin.
Narcissa smiles, and says, "I'm alright, just tired, and sore. The pain potion they gave me is actually starting to wear off."
"I'd be happy to let one of the healers know you need another one!" I exclaim, giving Draco back to Narcissa.
"That's alright, they'll be coming in to bother me again in a few minutes," she laughs softly, and clutches her belly.
"Are you alright?" Lucius asks.
"It hurts to laugh!" Narcissa grimaces, "And Lucius, you were alright, I suppose."
"Just alright?" I smile.
"He tried to take a nap on the couch while I was eight centimeters dilated, and complained that I was being too loud when I was having contractions!"
I shake my head, and raise an eyebrow at Lucius, "Really?"
"Well, it was four o'clock in the morning, and she had been in labor for hours! I was tired!" Lucius frowns.
Narcissa and I exchange exasperated looks.
Just then, a healer comes in. She gets a pump of hand sanitizer, and says cheerfully, "Hello, Mrs. Malfoy! I'm just here to check you and baby's vitals! You getting some rest? How's baby doing? Feeding alright? The lactation consultant will be in in a few hours to help with his latch if you'd like!"
Narcissa answers, and, wanting to give her space while she feeds Draco, I say goodbye, and head back to my house on Spinner's End. It's been a while since I've been back, and I don't want to intrude at the manor while they have a new baby.

When I get home, I close and lock the door, then slowly go up to the bedroom. Looking around, I see the book Evan had left on his bedside table. It's half-finished. I wonder if he wrote anything in it! I flip through the book, but don't find anything. Frustrated, I open Evan's drawer of shirts and toss the book inside. I take a deep breath, but I can't stop the tight feeling in my chest, and I can't swallow the lump in my throat. Maybe taking a shower will help me feel better. I turn on the shower water, and once it's warm, I step in. Even though it's been years since I've had to take cold showers, I still flinch as the water hits me. When I'm done, I use Evan's towel to dry off. I was hoping it would still smell like him, but it doesn't. I angrily wrench the towel off myself, wrap it around my head in a turban to dry my hair, and glance in the mirror. I look like I used to, before Evan and I started living together. At 104 pounds, my bones jut out all over my body, and my skin is too pale. My head is dizzy, and I feel weak, but I'm alright. I've been existing off energy potions, coffee, and random small meals since Evan died. I know he would be disappointed in me for not taking care of myself, but what am I supposed to do? He's dead, Regulus is dead, Lucius and Narcissa have a new baby, and Lily's married to James Potter! I don't matter to anybody anymore, so it doesn't matter if I die. Nobody needs me anymore.

Before I get in bed, I spritz one spray of Evan's cologne over his shirts and put one on. Breathing deeply, I lay down, pull the covers over myself, and close my eyes. If I try hard enough, I can imagine that he's just working late, and he'll be home soon. What if he could still be alive somewhere? Joseph said he was fighting up until he fell in the river. Could he have swam to shore somewhere? But no, there's no way! If he was alive, he would have come back to me, wouldn't he? He said he loved me, and that he would never leave me all alone like I used to be! He wouldn't break that promise unless he was truly dead! Or unless none of it ever meant anything. I wish I were dead, too. Maybe if I died, then Lily would pay attention to me again. She would say, "Poor Sev, I should have been there for him. I shouldn't have left him alone." I wonder if she's had her baby yet. I wonder if it looks more like her, or like Potter. I hope it looks like her. She was always so beautiful— like an angel. I hope the war is over by the time Draco and Lily's baby are old enough to go to school. Draco's squashed, red little face pops into my head. He's so innocent and precious, I just can't imagine him growing up to be a killer.

As the days pass by, I take my job of godfather very seriously. I visit the manor every day after work, and when Lucius is at work and Narcissa needs a break, I do everything with Draco. He sleeps in the bassinet down in my lab when I am working on poisons. I make a mobile for him and attach it to the bassinet so that he can watch the little owls and dragons play above him. When I am waiting for potions to simmer, I play my dad's old guitar and softly sing to him,
"Will ye go, lassie go?
And we'll all go together
To pluck wild mountain thyme
All around the bloomin' heather
Will ye go, lassie go?"
Maybe someday, Draco will sing with me like I sang with my father before the mill closed, and like Evan sang with me.

One day when I am out shopping for potions ingredients with Draco strapped to my chest in a baby wrap, I see Lily shopping with Potter. She walks with her hands resting on her pregnant belly. She's gotten very big— she must be due soon. When they see me, they say hello, and ask about Draco. I tell them he's Lucius and Narcissa's son, and that he was just born a few weeks ago. Lily says he's cute, and that maybe him and their baby will be friends when they get to school. I smile, and tell her I hope so, even though I know they probably won't be. They say goodbye, and I sit down in the Leaky Cauldron and cradle Draco, thinking about how my life would be if I had never hexed Joseph that night. What if I had never met Lucius? Would I have joined the Death Eaters still? Sadly, I rock Draco back and forth. When I see Dumbledore and a strange woman walk up the stairs together, I pop Draco's pacifier into his mouth, cast a quick silencing charm over him, and follow them quietly. If I can tell the Dark Lord something good today, then maybe I can take a break from making poisons for a while. At least I hope it's something good— I can't deal with more bad news.