From the murky depths of my discord and patrons, I bring you:
A CAT IS FINE, TOO
Beta'd and edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood
Glumly, Kazuma regarded the bucket in his hands, in which a drowsing feline snored. "It's just you and me, girl. The others have all abandoned me."
In response to Kazuma's comments, Chomusuke turned over and farted, which resulted in a small puff of smoke and flame coming from the little cat's rear end.
Coughing, Kazuma leaned back, fanning his face with one hand and lowering the bucket with the other. "Now that's just vile. There's no way you're a normal cat."
Currently, Kazuma was in Alcanretia with his party on vacation. Wiz was resting in her room, while Aqua was at the bar drinking and doing party tricks. Megumin and Darkness had refused to bathe with Kazuma, instead heading over to the women's baths. A wasted opportunity, that.
Stepping out into the mixed bath, Kazuma looked around at the steam-filled air. Unfortunately, he did not spy any smoking hot girls. "Come on, you stink and need a bath."
"Nyan?" Chomusuke said, looking up at Kazuma.
He grinned evilly, plucking the cat up by the scruff of her neck. "That's right, you smelly little menace! Bath time!"
Instead of struggling, Chomusuke looked down at the water, and wagged her tail a little. Kazuma jumped in, causing a splash, and dunking the cat rather thoroughly. He smiled to himself, then lifted Chomusuke up out of the water.
To his shock, the dripping wet cat simply shook itself off, then bit Kazuma's thumb.
"OWW!" Kazuma dropped Chomusuke into the hot water.
The little cat paddled about for a moment before climbing up Kazuma's arm and into his hair. Where she scratched out a little nest, then settled down to sleep atop his head.
"Typical. I get stuck with the cat," Kazuma grumbled, sinking down into the water. He didn't make sure to be careful to keep Chomuske out of the water: obviously, he hated the annoying little cat.
While Kazuma was stewing in the bath, he heard voices and peered through the mists. After a moment, he recognized a man he'd seen earlier, arguing with a red-haired woman soaking in the bath as well.
"Look, just do it after I'm finished," the woman told the man, raising her voice and leaning back in the bath. "If you have to pick a fight with her, just do it when I'm not here."
"Fine, but I'm doing it in two days. Enjoy your vacation," the man snapped, standing up and stalking away. "Damn soap and detergent. Damned wackos."
"You said it, pal," Kazuma agreed, sighing and leaning back in the bath. He opened both his eyes, leering at the other woman. By her pointed ears, she seemed to be a rather stacked elf. A real-life big tiddy elf! Why couldn't he have a woman like that in his party?
"Uh, would you mind not staring?" the woman said, noticing Kazuma's leer. "I know it's a mixed bath but-"
"HSSSSSS!" Chomusuke suddenly dug her claws into Kazuma's scalp, standing up in his hair and hissing and spitting.
"OW! What's that for?!" Kazuma gasped, plucking the cat off his head and glaring at her. She continued to scratch the air and hiss, apparently outraged. "And after all the trouble I went to not to dunk you!"
"Is that…is that your cat?" the woman asked, suddenly standing in the bath. She was apparently so flustered she dropped her towel, and it slid off her body with a splash.
Kazuma went bright red, accidentally dropping Chomusuke as well. However, instead of falling into the water, Chomusuke spread her wings and began to hover in the air, still hissing like a punctured tire.
"Uh, she's a perfectly normal cat," Kazuma said, trying to snatch Chomusuke out of the air.
"No she isn't. That's my cat!" the woman declared, and surged forward, kicking up water as she hurried towards Kazuma.
"Er, hey, now wait!" Kazuma said, finally managing to grab Chomusuke. He winced as she bit his hand, but hung onto her tight. "This is my friend's cat! She's had it forever!"
"No, that is MINE!" the woman snarled, and lept right at Kazuma, baring her teeth at him.
To Kazuma's embarrassment, she managed to tackle him to the ground, which meant he got a face full of elven booby before splashing into the water. He clawed at the woman, dragging her under as well. They struggled for a moment in a tangled flailing of slippy limbs, and then Kazuma was pushed under again, and the woman grabbed at the now yowling Chomusuke.
"Come here!" the woman snarled as Kazuma stood up. She grabbed Chomusuke, who was scratching and biting furiously, and even breathing out flame at the woman, who had caught the little cat by the scruff of the neck.
"You WILL be mine again!" the woman declared, and a glowing spell appeared in her offhand, and she began to chant in a strange language.
"Woah, hey, no!" Kazuma gasped. He pointed a finger at the woman. "Freeze!"
"EEEEK!" the woman gasped and dropped Chomusuke, who splashed into the water, before lunging forward and biting the woman. "No! I will not be yours! YOU ARE MINE!"
She rounded on Kazuma and leveled a finger at him. "INFERNAL RAY!"
"Woah!" Kazuma's dodge barely got him out of the way in time, and he only narrowly avoided a sizzling red beam that shot into the water and exploded in a geyser of steam. "Why are you trying to kill Megumin's cat?!"
"That girl stole this from me, and I will have what is rightfully mine!" the woman snapped, grabbing Chomusuke in both hands. She lifted the cat up, opening her mouth as if to eat the hissing and scratching black cat.
"Heck no! Drain touch!" Kazuma clamped a hand on the woman's shoulder, and she gasped in shock, trying to wrestle him off of her. All the while, Chomusuke continued to hiss and flap about, breathing fire and attacking the woman.
"No! Get off me! I can't…I can't…" the woman groaned, slumping in Kazuma's grasp, and Chomusuke flew up and bit her, square on the nose.
There was a flash of energy, and Kazuma suddenly found himself holding empty air. He flopped back into the bath with a splash, gasping for breath.
"PERVZUMA! What are you doing to my cat!?"
Megumin's face appeared over the fence to the women's bath, her red eyes glowing dangerously.
"Kazuma, you're not harassing the poor cat are you? Just because Chomusuke is a girl doesn't mean you can perv on her!" Aqua declared, her own head popping up next to Megumin's.
An instant later, Darkness's flushed face peered over as well. "I-I believe the rogue is assaulting an innocent woman! I heard moans!"
Blinking, Kazuma looked around at the still-sloshing hot spring, but there was no sign of the red-haired elf woman. Instead, Chomusuke was sitting and washing herself, and looking incredibly smug for some reason. And were her wings a little bigger? And her ears just a little longer? And were those nubs…horns?
"Look, there was this woman, she attacked Chomusuke! I was just defending her!" Kazuma protested.
"Why would you attack Chomusuke?!" Megumin demanded and started trying to scramble over the wall.
Kazuma pulled at his hair. "No, listen, I was HELPING Chomusuke! The lady tried to blow your cat up, Megs! I tried to save her!"
"I don't believe you," Megumin grunted. "Curse this overly tall wall! Darkness, help me over!"
A few moments later, all three girls were in the mixed bath, squatting around Chomusuke while Kazuma sulked in the water.
"She appears to be in good health," Megumin said, frowning slightly.
"Nyaaaaan," Chomusuke yawned, and crawled up Megumin's towel, nestling against her mistress's chest.
"I'm telling you, there was a red-headed elf woman here with huge tits! She just up and vanished!" Kazuma complained.
"Stop telling stories, Kazuma. You're just obviously lonely," Aqua sniffed, adjusting her towel.
"I do not see anyone, but there are scorch marks, and splashed water everywhere…it seems there could have been a struggle?" Darkness said, looking around the mixed bath.
"Hmph. Next you will tell me your assailant had ram's horns," Megumin shuffled, plopping into the bath a short distance from Kazuma.
"What? No! She just saw Chomusuke and claimed it was her cat. She was just a normal-looking elf, but with big boobs," Kazuma said, making a shape by his chest to illustrate.
"Yes, you keep repeating that," Megumin huffed. She examined Chomusuke for a moment, then lay back with a shrug. "Well, obviously you made this entire thing up. To think: you were assailing my familiar."
"It wasn't the cat, it was the elf!" Kazuma protested, but sadly, no one seemed to believe him.
The next day, Kazuma would have done some investigating into the changes in Chomusuke, but it turned out the man that had been with the disappearing elf woman had been none other than Hans the Poison Slime, general of the Devil King. The party (and Wiz) ended up battling against Hans, who was plotting to poison the entire city. The sentiment was entirely understandable, as Alcanretia was the home base of the Axis Cult who were universally insane and rather aggressive.
Still, Kazuma figured Aqua would cry if her worshipers were poisoned for trying to foist their "edible" soap on people, so he helped take out the Poison Slime General. With that taken care of, the party was immediately forced to flee for their lives as Aqua had accidentally purified all the hot springs of their minerals, turning them into normal bath water.
On the way back, Megumin ended up falling asleep, and Kazuma pilfered Chomusuke, holding the equally snoring cat up. She had indeed sprouted little horns, and her claws were just a little sharper. She was even bigger: overnight, Chomusuke had gone from kitten-sized to a full-grown feline of at least four kilos.
"That's really weird," Kazuma said. He turned to Wiz, who was sitting beside him in the carriage and knitting away. "Hey Wiz, you knew Hans, right?"
"Unfortunately yes," Wiz sighed, shaking her head as her needles clicked. She was apparently knitting a pair of purple fuzzy woolen stockings, which wasn't really the sort of thing you expected the so-called Queen of the Undead to do. But seemed about right for Wiz.
"What about his friends? You two have any shared acquaintances?" Kazuma queried. He settled Chomusuke in his lap and began to stroke her. A moment later, he was rewarded with soft purring.
"Not really," Wiz admitted. "I just maintained the barrier. Honestly, I couldn't stand most of the other generals, they were all quite boorish. Beldia with his attempts to peep up my skirt, Ragecraft always pontificating, Hans was always so crude, Sylvia made me uncomfortable, Serena trying to get me to buy her cigarettes and booze…really the only ones I got along with were Vanir and Wolbach."
"Huh. I just wonder who that elf lady was," Kazuma muttered, still petting Chomusuke.
Once back in town, Kazuma became increasingly certain that SOMETHING had happened to Chomusuke. Previously, the cat had spent all her time napping, but now she was constantly outside, hunting for birds, mice, and other small game.
"I grow daily in my mastery of Explosion magic! It is natural that my familiar increases in power too," Megumin sniffed when Kazuma confronted her.
"Look, your cat did something to that big titty elf! I'm telling you, Chomusuke is not a normal animal!" Kazuma argued.
"You are just being more of a degenerate than usual, Pervzuma. Do not attempt to sully Chomusuke's virtue as a maiden," Megumin declared, and took her cat back to her room, looking rather smug for some reason.
Something just wasn't right, and Kazuma was determined to get to the bottom of it. In desperation, he went to Wiz's shop, as she had all sorts of strange items. This time, however, he managed to sneak Chomusuke with him by luring the cat into a cage with a treat, and locking it.
"Hey Wiz, you here?" Kazuma called, hauling the cage with the hissing and spitting cat inside.
"Oh yes, welcome, what can I get my best customer?" Wiz asked, hurrying over and smiling. She frowned when Chomusuke started yowling and bent down to examine the cage. "Oh goodness, is something wrong with Megumin's pet?"
"There is something VERY wrong with this cat, and I want to find out what! She ate an entire elf, as I've been saying this whole time!" Kazuma declared. He opened the cage, and Chomusuke darted out, running to hide in Wiz's skirts and arching her back to hiss some more at Kazuma.
"Oh, she wouldn't do that, Chomusuke is a lady," Wiz said, stroking the cat's back and calming her. "Here, I have some cream, why don't you try that?"
"Don't, it makes her gassy," Kazuma protested.
Wiz tutted and gave the cat her treat anyway, and Chomusuke relaxed and sat under the table to lap it up, still glaring at Kazuma. "Now, what are you looking for exactly? Nothing that would hurt dear Chomusuke now."
"I don't know, anything that lets you break curses?" Kazuma suggested.
Wiz brightened and hurried over, getting out a miniature nine-ringed shakujo from one of her overstuffed shelves. "Yes! This model can break any curse!"
"What's the catch?" Kazuma demanded, folding his arms over his chest.
After a moment's hesitation, Wiz admitted, "Well, ah, it does sort of transfer whatever the curse is to the one trying to break it…"
"Pass. I can just make Aqua break any curses anyway. What about something that lets you talk to animals?"
"Oh! I have this lovely potion that does one better! It lets animals talk to you!" Wiz said happily, getting the potion down off a high shelf.
"And the drawback?"
"Um, well, it turns out…most animals don't have very much to say. And, er…some can be rather rude…" Wiz said, blushing slightly.
"Eh, let's give it a try," Kazuma said, digging out a handful of eris and giving it to Wiz. He poured a bit of the potion into Chomusuke's cream as she continued to drink it, and squatted on his haunches, waiting.
After a minute or so of waiting, Chomusuke yawned and arched her back, then turned to regard Kazuma. "Pervert."
"WHAT?!" Kazuma cried, grabbing the cat by the scruff of her neck and lifting her up to his face. "How can you even say that?!"
"Stop spying on me in the bath, two-legs," Chomusuke hissed. "And stop trying to steal my minion's panties."
"Oh my, she seems to be rather intelligent for a cat!" Wiz said, smiling broadly. "Most of them just ask for food, or a mate. Chomusuke seems to be especially verbose! But Kazuma…is there something you want to tell me? Spying on a cat in the bath…that's a bit weird."
"I am not- LOOK! She was an elf!" Kazuma said, pointing to Chomusuke.
To Kazuma's shock, Chomsuke folded her forepaws in front of her as she dangled from his hand. "I was not an elf. You're clearly as unintelligent as you are boorish."
"Then what did you DO to that elf!" Kazuma demanded.
Chomusuke looked smug. "I didn't do anything to any elves." Then she turned to Wiz. "O woman of the bountiful mammaries, I find this male to be particularly dull and ill-suited to serving my needs. I require more cream, and then something to hunt. I am, after all, a goddess of sloth and violence."
"Don't worry, Kazuma," Wiz said as Kazuma set the cat down in disappointment. "Even ordinary cats tend to have very high opinions of themselves and be rather bossy."
"It is the duty of two-legs to serve the four-legs. That is the natural order of things," Chomusuke huffed as Wiz poured her another bottle of cream. "I will continue to permit you to serve me, woman of the enlarged mammaries. What a waste no man would touch you. Seeing as you can bear no litters."
"That…that's cruel!" Wiz sniffled and went to go sulk in the back room, where Kazuma heard her crying to herself.
"So what happened to that big titted girl in the baths?" Kazuma demanded.
"Obviously, I subsumed her as is my right. She wrongfully contained what was mine, and I simply returned her to her proper place. I suppose I should thank you for weakening her, it made it much easier."
"Yeah, but I want the big titty elf back!" Kazuma said, lowering himself down to Chomusuke's level.
"That is because you have horrible taste: Obviously I am far more beautiful than any hideous two legs," Chomusuke sniffed. The she farted. The cream really did make her gassy.
"You're insufferable!" Kazuma snapped, and grabbed Chomusuke's tail. On a whim, he added, "Drain Touch!"
Even as the cat rounded on him in anger and outrage, her form suddenly flickered. The tail jerked out of Kazuma's hand, causing him to overbalance and topple forward, right into something soft and warm.
"Y-you! From the bath?!"
Blinking, Kazuma looked up then gasped. "The big titty elf woman!"
"There's no time!" the elf gasped. She grabbed Kazumas' shoulder's heedless of the fact that she was very, very naked. "I'm imprisoned in that damn trap those filthy little red eyes made! You have to figure out how to get me free! Please, I'll do anything!"
"Uh, anything?" Kazuma said, his gaze fixed firmly not on the woman's face, but her chest.
"Anything! I can't keep living like this, I was barely able to escape, you just managed to-"
And then the woman shifted back into Chomusuke, who suddenly yowled, then sprang away from Kazuma in a flurry of fur and claws.
"Wait! Get back here! You were so hot! Please, I'll do whatever you want, just let me touch your boobies again!" Kazuma pleaded, chasing the frantic cat around the shop. Chomusuke knocked over various wares, sending them crashing to the floor as she dashed over table tops and across shelves, and Kazuma smashed several completely useless items.
"What's going on!?" Wiz demanded, hurrying in from the back room just as Kazuma managed to get a Bind off that captured the cat.
"I'm getting my hottie back and having my way with her!" Kazuma panted. "Drain Touch!"
Chomusuke shuddered and hissed, then went limp in Kazuma's hand.
"No, you'll kill her! Kazuma, stop! STOP! CURSED CRYSTAL-"
Kazuma didn't recall anything else for three days, and when he woke up, it was as an ice cube defrosting on the mansion's front lawn. Darkness looked at him worriedly, while Aqua and Megumin glared at him. To his irritation, a smug Chomusuke twitched her tail back and forth in Megumin's arms.
"Dabt cabt ib hot!" Kazuma said, then sneezed mightily.
"T-that is even more degenerate than your usual harassment!" Darkness gasped, jerking away from Kazuma.
Tisking, Aqua shook her head and frowned. "Kazuma, the Axis Cult believes all love is good, and supports all kinds of fetishes, but can't you leave Megumin's poor cat alone?"
"Shebs nob a caaaaa-CHOOO!" Kazuma sneezed. He slumped in the ice he was still partially encased in. "Cab somebody pleb leb be oubt? I neeb a hobt badt."
"We will not let you back in the mansion unless you promise not to work any more of your devious spells upon my familiar! Do not attempt to change Chomusuke to fit your fantasies and perverse predilections, Kazutrash!" Megumin declared.
Chomusuke, for her part, hissed at Kazuma. He narrowed his eyes. He was going to figure out just what was going on.
Right after he recovered from this case of hypothermia.
It took three days of bed rest and several healing sessions, but Kazuma managed to recover from being a human popsicle and return to good enough health. The very first thing he did was return to Wiz's shop to buy more of the animal speak potion, but Wiz adamantly refused to sell it to him.
"I'm not letting you harass that poor cat anymore, Kazuma! I didn't think you were that kind of pervert," the innocent lich told him.
"But she's not a cat, she's an elf!" Kazuma protested. "Come on, you have to give me some more of that potion!"
"No. I refuse," Wiz sniffed, turning away from Kazuma. "Now leave, before I have to freeze you again! Megumin told me you tried to catch Chomusuke last night, and I won't aid you in your debauchery! I'm regretting selling you those other items in the first place."
Scorned, but not stopped, Kazuma waited until Wiz stepped out for some grocery shopping (which was a bit odd since liches don't need to eat) and found Vanir. The former General and Duke of Hell was dressed in a frilly apron and dusting the shop, grumbling about his financial fortunes under his breath.
"Ah! It is the young man who…who…HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
"What's so funny?" Kazuma demanded as Vanir dropped his feather duster, clutching his sides and laughing so hard that a bit of the dirt he used to form his body flaked off.
"Truly, this is a venerable BANQUET of despair! Ah, young traveler lost along the path of desire, speak your mind and let moi's all seeing demonic eye guide you!" Vanir chuckled, his left eye glowing ominously.
"I, uh…I just wanted to buy more of that animal speaking potion," Kazuma admitted, shuffling his feet nervously.
Vanir tsked, going over to a cupboard and opening it. He removed a mostly empty vial with a picture of a barking dog on it and held it up. "The foolish shopkeeper who turns gold to sand destroyed all such potions, save this small bit. Moi did not mind over much, as they did not sell at all. No master wishes to know the thoughts of their slaves, after all."
"Yeah, I kinda need it to, um, well look it turns out the cat isn't a cat and all and-"
"Oh, moi knows," Vanir said, posing dramatically and placing both his hands above his head as if to swoon. "Moi's demonic eye is, after all, all seeing. But! Moi knows the source of all of the frivolous and fruitless products the worthless shopkeeper hawks."
"Really? Where can I get more potions?" Kazuma asked eagerly.
Vanir grinned. "Why, where it all began, my boi. At the village of the dramatic Red Eyed fools who think themselves true masters of the arcane arts, and style themselves minions of hell."
"So…Megumin's hometown?" Kazuma guessed.
"INDEED!" Vanir tossed the bit of potion up and down in his hand. "Moi will allow you to have this little left over, for the mere price of 10,000 eris."
"TEN THOUSAND!? That's outrageous!" Kazuma protested. "And that's barely enough potion to do much of anything with!"
"Oh, moi is aware. But Moi also knows that thou wilt do anything to once again behold the treasure that this potion will restore. Be grateful that a mere 10,000 will balance my books for the coming fortnight," Vanir said, and extended a white gloved hand.
Muttering about the injustice of it all, Kazuma handed over the money.
It took some sneaking, and a suggestion to Yunyun that a stone skipping contest at the river was the ideal challenge for Megumin that day, but Kazuma managed to pour the vial into a dish of cream and set it out for Chomusuke. He acted disinterested, waiting for the cat to drink it and the potion to take effect. At least, Chomusuke came and drank her treat, then stretched and yawned.
"Mmm, those birds sound especially delectable today, but the sunlight is so warm and I could do for a…wait. That infernal-"
"BIND!" Kazuma cried, jumping off the couch and wrapping up Chomusuke. The cat yowled and fell over, struggling mightily.
"UNHAND ME YOU VILE BRUTE! HELP! TREACHERY! THE MAN MOLESTS ME ONCE-"
"Drain Touch!" Kazuma grabbed Chomusuke, and after a bit of energy leached out of her, once more the elf lay on the ground, though she was still bound hand and foot. Fortunately or unfortunately, the ropes preserved her modesty somewhat, and she grunted and gasped.
"You again! How are you-"
"It's a potion that lets the cat talk, and then I use Drain Touch. I don't know why but it turns you back into an elf," Kazuma told her.
"Ugh, to think my godly form would be reduced to this," the elf muttered. Kazuma figured she was either talking about being a cat, or how she was a bit tied up. He had to agree about the godly part: her figure was absolutely delicious.
"Listen carefully, human. You must-"
"Kazuma. I'm Kazuma Sato. And you are?" Kazuma interrupted.
The elf blinked at him. "Er, yes. Kazuma. You can call me…Kat. It's fitting enough, I suppose."
"That's…kinda ironic," Kazuma said, rubbing the back of his head. He coughed. "Look, um, how do we, you know, keep you this way?"
Kat brightened at that. "Yes, I do not wish to be stuck as a feline bound to that girl. She was amusing enough at first but- ah, no time, I can feel it wearing off. Look: You have to take me back to the Village where I was bound, and strip me of my power there. I don't really give a damn what happens next, but I refuse to spend eternity stuck as a girl's pet cat. Or worse, that dark monster's dinner."
"Dark Monster?" Kazuma asked. "And how do I strip you of your power?"
"No time! Look, just get me to the village, feed me some of that potion, and use Drain Touch again. If that cat gets weak enough, it should make the curse fall off and I-"
Suddenly, Kat transformed back into Chomusuke, who blinked up at Kazuma.
"Damn, just when things were getting good," Kazuma said, picking up the cat, who struggled against her bonds again.
"KAZUMA!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT CAT!"
Kazuma turned about, still holding Chomusuke in his arms. Both were so shocked, that Chomusuke even stopped trying to get free as an outraged Aqua stood there in her PJs and glared at him.
"Seriously Aqua? It's past noon. I like a lay in, but this is a bit much. We're going to have to cut back your drinking," Kazuma said, holding Chomusuke close. "Now, this is all just a misunderstanding and-"
"GOD BLOW!"
Sometimes, Kazuma sort of forgot that Aqua had a maxed-out strength stat. When he woke up the next day short a tooth, he resolved not to forget it again.
Author's Note:
No, I don't know how long this will be. It was originally going to be part of Work Smarter, Not Harder, but it's already so long I"m going to make it it's own thing. If you want to join the degeneracy, head to my discord at /BYUYtajc2f
