In another world, my mother hosting the birthday party for the youngest of the Dacry in their own oversized home would have surprise me a bit. In another world, I would have spent the 12th of December just like any other day, that means spending most of my day at the library working and the night at my town apartment. But if you think about it, in another world, my parents would have had a functional marriage , I would have been with someone with a human heart instead of cold tin can.
I was just wrapping up my notes on the new section of my book about the Jazz age ( I was to drop the entire project itself for reasons that would be clear soon) when I decided to open my mail. I had a new mail from the HR Department of a company named DreamCast Pictures, LA. It was a reply to one of the many emails I sent to a bunch of publishing houses, studios and production companies in my sophomore year in college, cold-calling all of them with my resume hoping one of them would be in need for an English literature graduate. Obviously, I didn't got any reply and by time I graduated I had completely forgotten about. Why? Many reasons. One: the night I sent those emails I was absolutely hammered. Me and my roommate Emily had an ambition to move to a place like LA or New York entirely on a drunken whim and sent what now seems extremely obnoxious emails attached with a slapdash resume thinking that a couple of drunk 20 year olds are just the thing they need for their next million dollars. By the time we recovered from the hangover, not only had we forgotten about a makeout session that we may or may not have had the previous night, but all dreams of a summer internship in a big city was squashed by the ringing headache and abject dehydration. Needless to say, we swore off alcohol for the next two weeks (which for me at the time was a very big deal).
For the first few moments I was quite puzzled and thought that it might be spam. "... We have considered and evaluated you resume and we would like to have an interview session with you for the position of writing consultant for an upcoming project of one of our animation studios on a temporary basis. Pix animation studios, a subsidiary of DreamCast Pictures have been producing excellent animated movies for almost...". It made sense to me when I saw my almost three years old email above this message. I also spotted the word "wage" instead of "contract" and "salary" and that was enough to shut me out from the proposal. It was in all senses too late and too little.
I stepped outside in the cold. I decided to leave early hoping that the home would not be too crowded and I would get some time with jane alone. I needed to know if she knows about this whole drama about mum and dad. But I was still too late as the house was absolutely bustling with people. Caterers were parked in the driveway taking their large utensils inside. The florist's young daughter, who has presumably taken over her father's business was entering with her assistant ready to take notes. There was housekeeping unnecessarily cleaning every corner of the hallway.
"Good morning miss!" Said good natured Henrietta, slightly disheveled from the pressure. I smiled back and went upstairs as I heard Jane talking on the phone with someone. I reached the first floor hallway to see Jane standing in front of what used to be my room, with her back to me holding her phone. I had a stupid idea so I started to creep noiselessly towards her with the intention to spook her a little bit. I took off my glove and slowly moved my hands toward her back with a pointed finger.
I must have prodded her very lightly and I thought she might not even feel it for she was wearing a very thick sweater, but not only did she feel it, she practically jumped up letting out an extremely shrill and loud scream that made my heart skip a beat. By the time she turned around and registered that it was me, I was standing frozen. I was smiling but I also had a hand on my chest.
"Jesus jane! It's just me!" I said through a laugh that I admittedly had in many days. She gave a deep sigh, rolled her eyes and then looked at me a bit, joining in the laughter after a few seconds.
"No I'm okay it was just my sister " she said to the person on the phone while shooting a playful glance at me. "Yeah file that under the yellow folder and I want a summary of the meeting by 8 PM EST. That's all" she tops all her commands by this "that's all".
"When did you reached here" I asked as I perceived fatigue on her face. "Literally 2 hours before " she said as she typed an email. "You seem tired" I said as I looked around the hallway. "That's because I am" she said putting her phone down. She went back into my old room and fell on the bed spreading her arms out in a defeated manner. I pulled out the chair of my old study table and sat in it. We stayed like this in silence for almost 15 minutes. I looked around the room and felt pangs of nostalgia. The shelf besides the closet door still had my old books collection: Madam Bovary, The Brothers Karamazov, A Clockwork Orange, Don Quixote, Harry Potter (all seven, a cherished gift from dad), Middlemarch, Vanity Fair; these were the ones I was able to discern from my position. Like a cliche I visualized myself sitting on the bed, engrossed in one of these, getting transposed into the pristine forest of words and exploring it like an adventurer. Finding beautiful things. Usually good, but sometimes bad and scary. I remembered being scared but never afraid. In those moments I felt like I could take on any problem I had. In those moments I wasn't alone.
I stood up and walked to the shelf while jane stared at the ceilings with a blank expression. From closer distance I also spotted Notre-Dame de Paris. I held it in my hands as a little dust came off of it. Jane sat up now and was looking at me, because I was smiling almost unconsciously.
" je ne t'ai pas vu heureux comme ça depuis longtemps" she said with a smile in her voice.
" je ne suis pas dans mon ancienne chambre depuis très longtemps" I replied weighing the old copy of the Victor Hugo novel.
Quite late in our lives, me and Jane learnt some very basic almost amateurish French as a way to talk to each other during family dinners and parties. It was a nice way to bitch about guests. Of course we, almost got caught when a middle aged man who was from Arkansas turned out to be someone proficient in French for he had lived in Cannes and Monaco for many years. Fortunately, he was sport and wasn't really offended by this method of communication of a couple of teenage girls.
This was it. This was the moment I would tell her. I don't care if she already knows or not. I'm not going to wait until the whole state of New Hampshire will be aware of my mother's infidelity.
"Can I talk to you about something, Jane" I said as I went back to my chair. She sat up attentively as if all her exhaustion evaporated away.
"I was at Joe's cafe a few days back, you remember him?" I asked as I leaned forward a bit. She nodded looking a bit suspicious. "Well Jesse was telling me about this..."
We spent the entire morning and afternoon in my room. It was in a perverse way reminiscent of old times but nothing about it was remote pleasantly. We couldn't decide what to do. We alternated between cycles of discussions about confronting mum and silences in which we pondering whether we need it right now.
Sometime before lunch mum poked her head into the room. "Jane, I have got the stylish and makeup team here for you. Grab a quick bite and start getting dress it's going to take a long while", she said in a sweet singsong manner and left without waiting for a response. We shared a pained look and went downstairs for we hadn't even had any breakfast and we didn't realized how hungry we were.
The team of stylists intercepted Jane as we headed out if the dining room and started discussing frantically about their plans and how they were running out of time. She turned at me and said, "we'll talk after this party lizzie. I hope you stay in here tonight. " I nodded and waited for the ruckus to go in Jane's room. I went back into my room and collapsed on the bed. I stared at my bookshelf. I realized I had to do something. I opened the wardrobe and found two large suitcases with a thick film of dust on them. I haphazardly dusted them and shoved 97 of the 115 books in the suitcase. There was still plenty of space so I put in some of my old summer dresses and tops in them too. Since the entire household was scuttling around busily I was able to shove the oversize dusty suitcase in my car trunk. I went back in the room, a bit relieved this time. I lied down on the bed again and ended up fallible asleep as I was staring at the empty bookshelf. I had a vague dream about the Bennet Estate crumbling to pieces, the grounds and lawns around it were like fallow barren land and upon the hubris of this monstrously huge mansion grew a little dandelion, lightly swaying in air under a dark sky.
I was roused rather startlingly by Jane wearing her custom made Dior ballgown. It was a bright red gown with cinched waist and drape-y skirt.
"Oh my god Lizzie, you'll be so late!" She said softly as I got up on the bed. "It's only 5" I said rubbing my eyes. "You need to get dressed though, you never know how long makeup might take" she replied as she spied in my room's mirror whether the team left any flaws on her or not.
I took a quick shower and wore the pink fit and flare dress I had brought with me. It was an excruciatingly cold day and I wore my shoes back until I did my makeover. I was putting on foundation when Jane entered the room with a smile holding a shoe box.
"I got something for you. Although I hoped that the circumstances would have been slightly more pleasant." She said as she opened the box for me. They were golden 5 inch heels, red sole, Christian Louboutin.
"You really didn't had to, I brought my own ones. They're in the car. I'll wear them after I'm do my makeup. See if you can get henrietta, She'll fetch them for me from my car." I said as I eyed the pair lustily.
"Just keep them" she said as she leaned besides me and looked at me through the mirror. "You don't have to wear them tonight. And I don't want any unnecessary formalities " she added as I was beginning to protest. She kept the box on my bed and sat heavily besides it.
"Jane, dear you forgot your earrings!" mum exclaimed while peeping in the room. Jane accepted the jewelry with a sigh saying, "thanks mum" in a rather plain and tired manner. Mum looked a bit taken aback.
"What's wrong Jane?" she asked as she walked further into the room. I started to look for my eye shadow to avoid any cross-questioning.
"Nothing mum I am just very tired" she said while avoiding her gaze and putting on her earrings. "Is it about John?" mum asked quietly, sitting besides her. "In case you did not notice mother, I have a life outside some stupid guy, okay?" I heard Jane snap back at her. I had a feeling like it was going in a direction where I could not avoid it anymore. I turned around in my chair to face them.
Mum stared at her face for a few seconds. "You know you hurt me so much Jane. You're the only one I have any hope from" she said as she looked at me from the corner of her eye for a split second. Jane pulled mum's long bony hand away from and stood up. "Not as much as you have hurt literally everyone else around you" she said in a voice that was loud but still trembling. I decided to stand up because this was it.
Jane backed up a bit to stand besides me. Mum looked at us for a while a bit perplexed. But soon she thought she realized something. She looked at me with a spiteful expression and hissed, "What the fuck have you been telling her Lizzie?". "You should be a little more interested in what all I hear mother" I said as I stepped forward, "Colarado, June, remember anything?".
Her facial expression relaxed a bit as she realized that there was no way out of this accusation. She turned around and started to leave.
"Why won't you just divorce dad and get him and all of us out of this pain mum?" Jane shouted at her. She stopped dead.
"You don't realize what all I have ever done for this family" she said without turning around. "You have done enough mum" I said with a newfound crazy strength. "What you don't realize is that your action has consequences that you cannot even understand" I said as I was slowly walking towards her, "Jane's eating disorder in senior year, dad's loneliness, you don't see anything but what you want to see. You never see the pain".
"Elizabeth, stop it. I am not doing this right now" she said as I saw her clenching her fist.
"I have been stopping myself for far too long mother, I won't today. Or do you want me to wait to read about your next catch in Beardlsy Post's front page tomorrow?" I recall saying that to her blonde neck.
I remember her turning around not because I saw her do that but from the momentum of the slap she planted on my right cheek. It was so off guard that I stumbled from the impact and fell sideways in the old rug. I heard Jane squeal "MOTHER!" as her voice was beginning to break. Mum's bony hand with long fingers smacked me so hard that I thought for a moment that my right eye would pop out.
"Out" she said as she looked down on me lying on the dusty rug, "Get Out right now before you completely ruin this extremely important party". "What the fuck are you talking about", Jane screamed. She turned around in her purple and black robe and walked away. Jane followed her into the corridor.
I stood up and for 30 seconds looked for my boots not realizing that I was still wearing them. When I did realize, I started to walk downstairs. Tears were beginning to well up in my eyes. I still had pale pink eye shadow on my left eyelid.
I heard noises from the ballroom and tried to find a way out of the place without attracting any attention. I still heard dad's jolly laughter from far away as if everything was totally normal. I escaped into a side corridor that went into the ballroom kitchens. I passed through the caterers bustling about literally unnoticed. I stepped out into the foyer that served as the entrance to the ballroom. Some guests whom I didn't knew were in the process of handing their coats. I wasn't able to control my tears as I opened the other smaller closet for my coat.
I looked back to see if Jane or someone else were coming for me as I was putting on my overcoat when I accidentally smacked my arm on the face of someone who was coming out of the restroom that was besides the closet.
"Sorry" I said in a voice that was by now slurred with tears. I looked up and all my horrors decided that this was the perfect moment to employ every worst coincidence they can: Darcy was standing towering above me looking into my eyes as his expressions were changing from mild amusement to unpleasant speculation.
"Lizzie?" I heard Jane's faint voice coming from the other side of the kitchens I just crossed. I gave Darcy a longed pain look as he turned around to see where the sound was coming from. By the time he looked back at me I was already storming out in the snow.
I walked rapidly as I was bitterly sobbing in the cold evening air. I reached halfway through when Darcy brutally pulled me from my arm. "Liz, what's wrong?" he said as he panted a bit.
I turned around and with the palms of my hands tried to push him away from me, "Get away from me!" I screamed. The push didn't do as much to actually push him but it made him stop and leave my arm. He looked at me plainly.
"You've ruined enough things already. I don't want to see your face ever again!" I screamed on the top of my lungs as hot tears fought with the cold air that was hitting my cheeks. He stood there trying to hide his confusion with a stoic expression.
I turned around was about to start running towards my car when I turned around one last time and said to him, "By the way, Happy Fucking Birthday!".
I got into the car and was in such a hopeless hurry that I almost crashed it with one of the guest's car that was pulling in. I exited the private road and before entering the highway, I pulled over, looked at the road in the rear view mirror, and let out a loud scream of anguish. I sat there and cried for the next 5 minutes till I was quite out of breath. I rolled my window down and sped towards the highway, enjoying the numbness of my face because of the cold wind.
And that was the last time I ever saw the Bennet Estate in my life.
