Chapter 25 " He Don't Love You" (Third week in December 1983)
(Song suggestion- "He Don't Love You" by Tony Orlando)
A month later
When I returned from Cleveland, I backed out of taking Janine out by calling her to let her know that I had work to complete instead. To say she was enraged was an understatement, and she promptly hung up the phone on me. It was my fault, and it was now acutely tense between us at work because I mistreated her. As a result, I shunned the guilty feeling in my heart and stuck with my mantras-
"You are not in love with Janine Melnitz, and you don't have time for anything but science and your work. You don't believe in love- it's not something you can measure like science. You are in control of your life and your emotions at all times."
Straight away, Janine commenced seeing a man Peter's height, muscular with blonde hair and blue eyes named Lloyd. Once I overheard Ray inform Peter that her new beau had been begging her to go out with him for a couple of months, but she refused because of me. At this point, I'm sure she felt that was a mistake.
Lloyd sold insurance, made the lovely redhead petite lady from Brooklyn laugh, and began to take her out a couple of times a week. Also, like me, he was lovestruck with Janine. However, Lloyd happily saw her socially, whereas I was depressed and moody watching them together after her shifts.
All of this resulted from my actions to control my life. Worst of all, I was envious of how joyful Lloyd appeared to make Janine. Unfortunately, I discovered that I didn't just want her attention and affection; I needed it. The very control that I craved was slipping away from my hands very steadily and almost gone.
"Spengler, you have to do something. You aren't yourself," Peter complained when I made another simple mistake on an easy job trapping a specter in the Bronx. It was a cold wintry day with some snow falling lightly after the past few days of heavy snowfall. Shivering, I gave my friend a menacing glance.
"Cut me some slack, " I snapped at Peter, feeling sorry for myself after we completed the job. I put the ghost trap in the back with our proton packs and closed the trunk.
"Iggy, why did you do what I told you NOT to do- you ignored Brooklyn and your feelings." He countered me, walking to the "shotgun" seat of Ecto One, and lit a cigarette with his lighter. Frustrated, Peter glared at me and then took a deep inhale of the smoking stick.
"I never said I was perfect. I make mistakes," I countered, opening the door to the back and plopping down into the back seat. Violently, I slammed the door shut, feeling my frustration increase steadily.
"Careful, Spengler, Ecto is a tenderfoot," Ray warned, with a smile as he placed the key in the ignition, and I grumbled out an apology. He nodded and turned on the heat in the car. Even though I had gloves on, my hands were cold, and I rubbed them together.
"You are self-sabotaging yourself, Spengs," Peter informed, "have you talked to your therapist lately about Janine?"
Truthfully, I hadn't gone to my therapist for at least three months because I felt like it wasn't helping at the time, but I recognized that I needed to find a new one now.
When I first met Venkman after he was in my class and we became friends, he suggested therapy to assist me with my fear of social situations and fear of not realizing my career goals. Peter did impromptu sessions on occasion with me after receiving his training, but usually, he provided names of different psychiatrist-friends over the years for me to call. Although I was skeptical about therapy at first, I now feel like it has helped me identify my emotions and frustrations with control issues. The on and off treatment through the years has helped.
"No, I stopped going in September because I didn't think it was helping me," I stated, a matter of factly.
"That was about the time you and Janine started up, right? That was a stupid time to quit, Iggy," Ray admitted, shaking his head and taking a cigarette out of his pack.
"Yeah, especially, your emotions are extreme at the beginning of a love affair, " Venkman added, "but if you don't think that one was helping, I can find you another one."
"I'm taking a break from therapy, Venkman," I replied annoyedly and put my head in my hands.
"But you need help. You agonize over Janine because you are in love for the first time. Isn't it significant enough to go to therapy? " he questioned.
"Yes, it is paramount, Venkman, and yes, I am in love with Janine. This is the first time in my life I have felt this way. Now she dates someone else because I have issues with fear about lack of control in my life, my workaholic tendencies, and fear of not meeting my dreams. But how is a therapist going to help with that?" I grunted, looking up from my hands for a second to see my friends' worried gazes at me, then placing my head back down.
"Well, J isn't marrying him or anything, Iggy," Ray added, " just be patient and wait for your opportunity."
"Why won't you let yourself be happy, Spengler? Venkman hypothesized, cracking the window to throw his cigarette out, then turned to face me, " Let's say you get your Nobel, a great research position at Princeton, would you be happy then? You may be in control of your life in all areas, but are you happy?"
"I don't know," I answered faintly. Ray shifted the car into drive, and we left for HQ. As we pulled into the firehouse, Janine was filing some papers in a green sweater dress with shoulder pads that hugged her curvy body made of thick material with black leggings that defined her shapely legs and wore ankle-length boots. She looked like an elegant supermodel, and as I gulped for air nervously, I felt very desirous of her. Also, I felt my pulse rate increase rapidly and my heart pound in my chest.
"You look smitten, but that is your usual facial expression when you see Janine the past five or six months," Peter teased.
"Shut up, Venkman," I replied angrily, releasing the button on my seat belt. I felt my vexation levels rise as I clenched my hands into fists as I recalled her kissing Lloyd under the mistletoe at the little Christmas party we had on Friday night. As a result, my blood heated as I remembered the memory, and my heart ached tremendously.
"I want to be the only one that she kissed," I thought, "She appeared to be happy when they were kissing. My heart was breaking into a thousand pieces, but that was my fault."
Exiting the car, I opened the trunk to retrieve the ghost traps to deposit downstairs in the containment unit. I shook my head to remove my thoughts about Janine because they weren't helpful or productive.
"Made some moo-lah! Woo-hoo," Ray exclaimed, smiling, and I nodded distractedly.
We trapped two spirits today, and we made a fair amount of money. Our caseload had been steady, but it was more exhausting with the change in seasons and the days shorter. I felt a little weary and not ready to face Janine.
"Newton's first law states that every object will remain at rest or in uniform motion in a straight line unless compelled to change its state by the action of an external force," I thought.
As I walked by Janine's desk, she greeted me flatly with a slight smile on her ruby lips, and I mumbled something. Since I came back from Cleveland, we rarely spoke anymore.
Next, I went downstairs to drop off the ghost traps but didn't hear footsteps behind me. Preoccupied, I put the first trap into the containment unit and heard Janine call my name in her sweet voice. She stood halfway down the stairs, a worried expression on her dewy face. Gradually, Janine walked towards me then stopped a few feet in front of me, saying, in an agonized tone of voice,
"Are you ok, Egon? You look like you are going to punch something."
Observing Janine looking fresh and radiant, I stumbled over my words, attempting to avoid staring at her for too long,
"Uh... Uhm... Venkman said something to provoke me."
"If I had a dime for every time that he instigated an argument with me, I would be rich," she responded with a slight giggle. I didn't say anything but felt my heart melt when Janine did so, and I also felt touched by her concern.
"You have been pretty quiet lately and look like you aren't sleeping well," Janine observed correctly," I have been worried, but I didn't feel right about asking because of everything."
"Oh," I grumbled, cleaning the first trap, taking it out of the containment unit, and putting the second in it. I didn't know what else to say.
"You forget, Egon, I know you," she reminded me, stepping closer to me to put her hand on my arm.
Janine let her fingertips glide gently over the hair there, and she gazed up at me with her big bright smile, which mesmerized me. The electricity from her touch zapped me a bit, and I felt a little shocked. There was chemistry between us still, and I nodded at her as I felt the warmth of her hand on my arm. When Janine removed it, I felt a chill, and I noticed that her touch made my heart sing with joy.
"I know it has been odd between us, but..." Janine remarked, her beautiful blue eyes expressing genuine care, " do you... want to talk?"
Sighing, I thought about it for a few seconds and then shook my head because I had to shut this conversation down quickly to keep my emotions in check. I might be miserable, but at least I was in control of my actions. However, my breathing rate rose as I felt immensely anxious in this situation.
Janine's eyes bore down on me until I would look at her.
"What is wrong? You barely speak to me," Janine replied, tears appearing at the corners of her bright blue eyes. "I don't know what I have done... Honestly."
Sighing, I thought to myself, "You didn't do anything, Janine. It's me with the issues."
"Time to leave," I thought as I spun around on my heels. Quickly, I stopped walking when I saw her blocking the stairwell with her petite body and her arms stretched across the railings. As a result, my heart thumped sonorously in my chest.
"Egon?" she inquired after a long pause. The magnificent woman in front of me waited patiently.
"You didn't do anything, Janine...Uhm...I...don't ...like Lloyd," I stammered, then took a deep breath before continuing, "because I am jealous even though I don't have any right to be. Also, I have been agitated because you seem to enjoy his company quite a bit."
I shrugged embarrassedly. My face felt red and hot like a sunburn; then, I lowered my head to gaze at my feet anxiously. Meanwhile, my heart sonorously thumped as I had admitted my jealousy. Both of my hands began to shake as I began to sweat, although it was December.
Janine appeared like I dropped a bomb on her unexpectedly, and that admission shocked her as evidence with her mouth and pretty blue eyes wide open. For a minute, she stood flabbergasted without movement until she exclaimed, incredulously,
"What!?"
As Janine stood there, I fidgeted a little. She thought about what I had said for a minute and then questioned slowly,
"Egon, you had plenty of time to ask me on a date before I started dating him. You did ask me out when you were in Cleveland. But let's go back to Albany. When you came back there, something changed between us. What was it?"
Swallowing, I weighed my options about telling the truth and glanced down at my black shoes again.
"I talked myself out of pursuing you further," I replied, a matter of factly, lifting my eyes to her eye line.
"Yes, that is obvious, but why" Janine questioned irritatedly, tapping her right booted foot impatiently.
Both frustrated and nervous, I sighed heavily and turned away from her towards the containment unit, and I put the traps on the ground for the time being.
"I attempted to warn you, Janine," I reminded her exasperatedly, but I was more irked with myself than her.
"Yes, you did. I didn't realize that it was something that would happen so soon, though, Egon. How did I get in the way of your work in a week? You were out of town," Janine probed further, coldly, her hands on her hips. She was furious.
"First, I don't like gray areas in life, and you are one. You are an unknown in my life, and I don't like uncertainty. Second, I despise feeling out of control, and that's how I feel around you," I countered passionately, ticking the reasons off with my fingers, watching her reaction after I spoke. Her beautiful face registered extreme disappointment and agitation.
"Then you call me from Cleveland, apologize, ask me on a date, and then cancel? What the hell?"
Shrugging, I didn't have a response, which infuriated her.
"That doesn't make sense, Egon. You were scared, " Janine summarized angrily, her voice rising, "but now you are envious of Lloyd. Your jealousy doesn't make sense, nor is it fair. You made it clear that you cared about me at the gala, and you can't push me away one moment and then in another say you envy him. This is ridiculous."
"You asked me what was wrong, Janine," I replied flippantly, " and I told you."
Aghast, she stared into my eyes with an indignant expression on her face until walked upstairs to my office with the traps in my hand. As I hurried away, I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach.
"I desire to kiss Janine's lovely lips so she knows how deeply I feel about her and how crummy I feel about my recent behavior towards her," I thought to myself.
The conflicting feelings were tearing me apart inwardly.
Janine
Dismayed, I stood at the bottom of the stairwells. Egon's admission that he was jealous of Lloyd, and my whole body trembled in agony. When he was gone, I exclaimed, rhetorically,
"How dare he push me away like that and then be jealous.Damn him!"
As if on queue, Ray popped up out of nowhere but didn't notice that metaphorically smoke was coming from my ears.
"Hey J, I didn't know where you were. I've been looking for you," my big brother announced innocently. "I was going to ask you if you wanted to try the new subway place for dinner."
"No, thank you. I am not hungry. Besides, I leave in a half an hour," I confirmed by looking at my watch in a mumble. My big brother withdrew from me with a puzzled expression.
"Oh, Egon Spengler is the most annoying man on earth," I clamorously declared after the door shut.
Rashly, I stormed up the steps and went to his office to see if we could finish the conversation.
"No, "I thought to myself angrily, "we will complete this discussion. He owes me that much!!"
Both my body tensed up, and my rage heightened as I made it upstairs. My head hurt because of my increased blood pressure, and I exhaled to calm my nerves. Before I knocked on the half-opened door, I observed Egon unzipping his jumpsuit and stepping out of it.
Disregarding his attractiveness, I scolded myself,
"Damn it, Janine. Don't let your body betray you right now. You have every right to be angry with Egon right now,."
Knocking on the half-opened door, I strolled in and requested that we finish the conversation as casually and without emotion as I could.
My presence was unexpected and unwelcome by the expression on Egon's face, and I observed the circles underneath his eyes after he threw the jumpsuit on his sofa. Next, I sat down on the mahogany sofa in the corner.
"That was all I was going to say, Janine. I am sorry if that disappoints you," my former flame answered, both firmly and coldly, as he sat next to me. Egon's openness downstairs shut down quickly, like an on and off switch.
"When I asked you at the gala if you wanted me to leave you alone, you said you didn't," I remarked, still puzzled.
"Yes, " he coolly stated.
"Can you help me understand, Egon?" I inquired helplessly.
Egon repeated his statement from earlier, "Janine, I can't feel like my life is out of control or divide my time between two things."
" How did your feelings change that quickly within a week?"
A tear escaped from my right eye as I demanded of him, feeling hopeless, but I willed myself from weeping further.
Without warning, Egon reached for the hand of mine that was closest and rubbed it with his other hand softly. My heart jumped at his touch, and I felt myself feel the buzz of energy from his manly physique. I cherished the unexpected moment as the handsomest Ghostbuster caressed my hand with his thumb. Next, Egon confessed,
"No, Janine. Ahem. I care about you so much that it scares the hell out of me, but I can't have my life out of control...Also, you deserve a man who will treat you like the goddess you are. I don't want you to become resentful of my inattention or maltreatment of you."
"Why did you start anything with me in the bar in September if you knew it wouldn't work," I challenged, appalled by the statement.
With an extraordinarily noisy exhalation and with an adorably affectionate expression on his long handsome face, Egon revealed, "Because I'm ...Uhm..madly in love with you, Janine, and I couldn't resist you any longer. No matter how hard...Uhm... I tried."
The flood gates opened. As tears flowed down my face after he made this admission, his facial expression was one of earnestness and vulnerability. I felt my heart melt as I realized this was the declaration I had been waiting for countless months. However, I could tell he needed my reassurance, so I put my other hand on his knee and squeezed it. I smiled gaily at my love, Egon, feeling like a child winning the biggest prize available at their favorite game at a state fair booth after wiping my eyes with his previously proffered handkerchief.
"Is it true that you love me," I questioned to convince myself I heard him correctly, shivering.
"Yes, Janine. I didn't think I could fall in love, but then you entered my life," he revealed, softly and his brown eyes appeared misty.
"I am in love with you, too, darling, but II didn't want to scare you away with my declaration," I whispered as tears continued to fall from my face.
Grinning jubilantly, Egon moved his head towards me and put his forehead to mine as we examined each other's eyes up close for a while. His eyes were dancing elatedly, and that gave me chills.
I hoped he would kiss me, and the anticipation was killing me.
"Do you see how I am right now? This emotional side isn't me," he whispered sensitively," I haven't been in love before now, although I thought I was one time."
"Maybe it's just a side of you that you didn't know you had, darling," I said, sniffling with a small half-grin.
Suspiring heavily, the theoretical physicist agreed, "It horrifies me, Janine."
We observed each other, lost, for a long time, having a silent but intimate moment. Egon's beautiful eyes were full of unshed tears. Next, he moved back and removed his forehead from mine.
"You already did met someone else, Lloyd," he reminded gently, a tear escaping his left eye, and he wiped it away rapidly, embarrassedly.
" I don't just fall in love with everyone that I date, Egon," I argued irritatedly, "besides, I dumped him on Sunday."
"You did? Why?"
"Because... because...he's not...you..." I stammered, using my hands to emphasize the word you then reiterated, " I love you, and only you, Egon Spengler."
He put his index finger to my lips and treated me with a gorgeous grin because he was pleased with hearing my admission again. Egon's fingertips felt very soft as he caressed my lips, and I removed his fingers with my hand gingerly. I held his hand in mine, feeling happy by doing so, then leaned in to kiss him. Suddenly, Egon halted my attempt by pulling his body back, and I searched his brown eyes.
"Wha- what's wrong," I questioned him, my face turning fire engine red as I felt incredibly chagrined and misled.
"Why was he touching my lips if he didn't want to kiss me," I thought inwardly.
"I'm too much of a controlling person, and my brain isn't wired for a relationship, I think. I don't want to deal with the uncertainties, nor do I know how to. It's a disaster, and Inhave hurt you toI much already," he remarked angrily, moving away from me rapidly.
"Do you know how hard it is to find someone who feels the same way about you," I interrogated him incredulously, matching his fury.
"No, I don't know. It's something I hadn't considered before because this had never been an option for me, and I didn't want it or thought I needed it," Egon answered, his face turning red with an anguished expression.
"There isn't anything I can say to alter your decision, is there," I inquired after a while.
"No."
"Promise me a couple of things, Egon Spengler," I demanded after a taut yet long moment of silence.
"Anything."
"You will kiss me one last time if this is going to be it and tell me again how much you love me," I requested, peering into his eyes while my heart was shattering into tiny chards inside of my chest.
Egon stood up from the sofa, intently watching as I did the same. Breathless with anticipation, I felt dizzy as he put his large hands on my waist then embraced me tightly. I could hardly wait until he kissed me again because I have longed for it since he left for Albany. As usual, my heartbeat quickened alarmingly, and my breath hitched for a second as my love raised my chin with his right hand. As Egon gazed into my eyes, finally spoke the words that I longed to hear again,
"I love you so very much, my angel, more than anything in the world."
It was said so sincerely that a few tears squirted out of my eyes before our lips found each other, and I experienced the most extended, most fervid kiss in my life. It felt heavenly, and more importantly, it felt right. Later, Egon held me closely, and I sobbed.
"But you love science more, right? What am I to expect from you now? Are we boss-employee or friends or nothing? Do you want me to call you Dr. Spengler only now?" I inquired, slowly moving back from his warm arms, feeling hysteria coming on.
"Oh, Janine," he groaned, pulling me back in his arms. With my hands, I pushed away from
him.
"I have to know what to expect because this isn't a game, Egon; these are my feelings," I wailed,
"You are making this too tricky, Janine, " Egon pointed out, and I wondered suspiciously to myself how he was able to flip his emotions on and off so quickly.
"Too difficult? No, this is normal human behavior, Egon. Life is about learning how to balance things that you love. The fact that you aren't even willing to try to balance me in your life shows the lack of love you feel for me, despite you confessing otherwise," I madly countered, running to my desk to put my jacket on and retrieve my purse.
My heart was pounding in my chest, and my breathing was shallow as I realized I had to leave NOW.
"What the hell is wrong with him? Jealous? Like you didn't have a chance with me, then you shut down," I muttered, sobbing, putting my heavy winter coat on and gloves as it had been snowing all day.
"I'm leaving for the day," I reluctantly yelled after I gathered my belongings from my bottom desk drawer and sped walked to the door. Both my heart and head throbbed with pain as I opened the door. Then I saw the snow falling outside and felt mesmerized. For a second, the beautiful scene relaxed me a little as I loved watching the falling snow in the winter.
"Janine," Egon called from behind me in a tormented voice. He had followed me to the door and repeatedly called my name without me realizing it. I spun around slowly, observing him shudder from the open door as Egon dressed only had a black T-shirt and khaki pants. Then he closed the door, shutting my view and waking me up from the daze.
Without speaking, Egon very determinedly put his arms around my waist snugly and gave me a kiss that showed me how much he loved me. He apparently adored me immensely, and that one turned into many causing my heart to sing noisily with joy as we did so. Egon whispered in my ear with his voice full of emotion,
"I love you with all of my heart, my angel, Janine. I am willing to balance my two loves in my life, you and science. Please, please do not go."
My heart melted like butter with the kiss and his words as he pulled back from me to view my face in panicked anticipation.
"I love you ardently, Egon Spengler, " I fondly answered with a twinkle in my eyes, and then watched him tremble in the cold, " come on, let's go back to your office and warm you up."
End of Part One
