AU, Muggledom. For the Houses Competition. I warn you, plentiful swearing. Not what I initially planned. Also, Pansy and Astoria which is totally new to me.
Ravenclaw HoH, Themed, Prompt: Mr Brightside, W: 2034
0-0-0-0
I glance across at Astoria in my stupor, red wine filling the void between my thoughts and feelings. Cigarette smoke streams from her lips, camisole strap falling from her bare shoulders. I can hardly think straight, fuelled by alcohol, and drugs, and undamageable happiness. It burns my skin. She stretches up from the unmade bed, back bending to get rid of the kinks from a restless night. And yet, it's not even morning.
Darkness casts shadows across us. She stumbles from the bed, still hung up on the liquor and the burnt drugs from a few hours before. I watch her go from my place in the bed, sheet covering my bare skin. Suddenly, I feel horribly exposed. Astoria is leaving. She has places to be in the middle of the night apparently, barely turning to glance in my direction as she searches for her clothes. For a moment, I think she doesn't realise that I'm just about awake, as she pulls on her skinny jeans. But then she sees me, sizzling the butt of her cigarette into the ashtray on the bedside table. She sees me looking blearily back at her, half convinced that I'm still dreaming.
Astoria's lips twitch with something I decide is a smile. But then she vanishes from the room, jacket whipping around the corner on her way out.
Sometimes she can make me feel as though I am worth every second of the day and every breath into my lungs. Other times, it can seem as though I am her cheap night out, all too intrigued by her stock of pills and booze, willing to do whatever she wants to spend just an hour in her glorious company. All dark hair, green eyes, and smoking looks. Ashes fluttering in the air around us.
But I understand. I'm her stolen moments.
Head pounding, heart throbbing, I stand slowly and stagger to the window. The wine has made my head heavy and my limbs free of any strength they once possessed. Cigarette smoke stench curls around my fingers, moving aside the thick curtains. Beyond them, the moon shimmers down onto the dark street below. Astoria slips out of the door of the motel and into the street. For a moment, I think that she's going to disappear into the shadows. But then… Another figure approaches her, and not with an unkindly stature. His blond hair reflective in the moonlight.
His lit cigarette throws his face into orange glow while Astoria calls a cab.
I step back from the window.
The weight of sleep is pulling me back to the bed, as if walking in reverse to my actions from earlier. Behind my eyes, I see the cigarette smoke, his hand on her back, both of them smiling, hauling into the cab together. I see them falling into bed together, sick to the stomach with my mind's conjurations. Her fingers brushing his chest, his hands in her hair, pulling apart her outfit with delicate fingers.
Horrified, nauseous, my eyes flash open and I look frantically around for anything else to think about; for anything else to see other than the betrayal I fear so much. It's not an impossibility. I saw them get into the cab together. I don't know where they went or what they were doing. But I saw them together.
The hallucinations happen after we spend time together, Astoria and me.
After the drugs, and the sex, and the blaring music, everything is so much more confusing. I feel as though I see things manifesting from the shadows themselves. So afraid that she's going to leave me for someone who will better understand her situation – for someone like Draco Malfoy. Because why wouldn't she? What reason does she have to spend this time with me other than her sexual orientation? My family accepted me for what I was, but hers are less than inclined to believing her words. My family left me to my own devices years ago, allowing me to pass through their house when the night closes and my day is over, not acknowledging my presence.
Astoria, however, is a goddess. Her family would sooner accept her as a witch than bisexual.
Dawn bursts through the carpet curtains, searing my retinas, four hours later.
In the air, dust rotates around itself, creating patterns in the golden light. Slowly, surely, I come out of the cage of the room, purse tucked in my coat pocket, and heading out onto my own walk of shame. Every time I close my eyes, I see them. Her dark hair, his blonde hair, noses touching, all hands and love and pleasure. I feel sick. My day is haunted by the image of them. Getting dressed into workwear. Chatting to Melissa at lunch. Slipping away to bed before the rest of the family later on in the day.
My thoughts disrupt sleep more than often. We always get high together. We always drink copious amounts of red wine. We always alter our chemistry and minds to be together. Does she need that to be with me? Does she need her entire body to be numbed from the inebriation to spend time with me? Perhaps this understanding is the tipping point for me because, within seconds, I find myself climbing out of the window, car keys in pocket, and racing to Draco's house out in the suburbs.
"Pansy?" he asks with tired eyes, opening the front door wide enough so I can see his house is caught in darkness. Apparently, he was sleeping. "What's the matter?"
Not thinking, I barge past him, tears threatening already. How could I let this happen? I was emotionless, fuelled by parties and dressing delicately, but now I have somehow formed this inconceivably irrefutable idea in my head that Astoria and Draco are together, I have become mush. Absolute mush. There's no other word for it.
"I need to ask you something," I announce, shaking. "I'm sorry to butt in. You're probably busy." What if she's here? "Actually, I ought to go."
He frowns, nods, and says, "Okay. What's going on?"
"It's about Astoria. I… Are you…" Jesus, the fucking words just won't come out. "Are you and Astoria fucking, or is it all in my head?"
Silence. Draco's mouth hangs open, beyond confused. I shouldn't have come here. I look crazy now, turning up, using this vulgar language to ask whether I'm sane or hallucinating. This was a terrible, horrible idea. Draco stares back at me, not saying a word, and it's fucking killing me. Why isn't he saying anything?
"Draco, please. Say something."
"Honestly, Pansy, I have no idea what to say. You look distressed, do you want to come in and sit down?" he asks, glancing behind him into the cavernous house. "I can make tea. Just about."
Heart pounding, nauseous, and certain that I want the ground to swallow me up, I follow him.
His home is plain, contradictory to the old Malfoy Manor charm which had been ostentatiously decorated back in the day. Having opted for the simpler life – one that was not in any regard akin to his parents – Draco went with simple curtains and blinds, small rooms, and calico wall-paint. I step into the living room behind him and take a seat on the couch there, cushions soft, walls too close.
The lights flicker above as Draco brings in two steaming cups of tea and sets them down onto the small coffee table in the middle of the room. I can hardly bring myself to look at him.
"I'm really gay," I blurt out, knowing that he's already aware of that fact. "Astoria and I…" The words are stuck in my throat, too hard to swallow, too difficult to say.
"You're together?" Draco shuffles backwards in his seat, holding the tea for warmth. "God, Pansy, I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" I ask.
He swallows. "She didn't tell you we are engaged, I'm guessing?"
All the way down I go, fathoms below the surface of the earth, stomach unsettled, roaring headache, fiery blood coursing through my toxic veins. Every part of my body feels as though I'm entering the unknown and almost unfathomable realm of Hell. Draco just stares at me, searching for an answer that surely must be hiding in my eyes. The answer that says no, and how the fuck did this happen, and why didn't she tell me. I'm so embarrassed and furious with her.
"En... What?" I choke out.
"I understand how you're feeling," he attempts.
"You know nothing of how I feel." I shudder, hurting. "I need to leave." Yet, my feet won't move in any direction, let alone support any weight I might endeavour to put on them.
His face shows nothing by sympathy. That, let me say something look.
"Pansy…I do understand. We're not engaged because we're in love. It's about family – the pressures coming from both sides to get engaged, as has been expected of us since we were born. Surely, you understand that?" When I don't speak, he continues. "I know Astoria doesn't want me like that. And that's okay. We've come to an arrangement, however."
"An arrangement?"
"She can sleep with whoever she likes, as long as we are careful and maintain our relationship."
What the hell does that mean?" I ask, horrified.
Draco watches me, considering his words. "It means that, while we'll get married, she can continue with whatever other relations she is engaged with. She can still see you, when it doesn't get in way of our marriage and engagement. It's a condition we've discussed, and apparently not something she spoke to you about." He pauses. "I'm sorry Pansy. I'm guessing she didn't want to tell you in such a clinical way. She cares about you."
"The thing is Draco, I'm not sure she does." I can tell that my statement is unexpected, and yet he doesn't question it. I feel the need to explain myself, to prompt an understanding in both myself and in him. Because I don't understand, and I don't know how I can move on if I don't understand. "When we're together, she always brings drugs, and alcohol, and it's in a musty hotel somewhere. Somewhere out of the way of prying eyes, I guess?"
"If it makes you feel better, we haven't had sex."
"It doesn't."
We sit in silence for a couple of minutes, my panic throbbing, but my hysteria calmed somewhat. At least my mind wasn't telling me a complete lie, it was just the girl I was with who was telling me a lie. My tea is almost completely finished, just the dregs and sugar stuck to the bottom of the mug. That means my stay is almost over, unfortunately.
"It wasn't fair of her to not tell you what was going on," he interrupts my vapid thoughts. "It wasn't fair of her to do this to either of us. So, I do understand."
"You knew you were engaged - you knew what you were getting into. I feel like I've been lied to. Maybe I should have come out of my cage earlier, realised what was going on, and had the courage to do something about it. Move on, find someone else." I sigh heavily, setting down my mug and moving to stand. But then he interjects again with something that freezes my movement.
"I didn't know she was actually with other people. I thought it was all hypothetical."
"Looks like you got fooled too." And, honest, voice cracking, words tumbling over themselves, I admit, "I love her, Draco. Or at least I thought I did. She's so…"
"Perfect?" he laughs shortly. "Yeah, I know."
Suddenly, I realise the understanding between us. The way Draco has been talking about her, the slight sadness in his eyes, the tilting of his head in confusion at discovering mine and Astoria's relationship. He's in love with her. He hardly knows her, but he doesn't need to know her to understand that he's in love with her. And yet, he can't be with her as wholly as he would like.
Neither of us ever would.
And it's fucking heart-breaking.
0-0-0-0
Thanks for reading!
