Pip had been so lost in her own head that she tripped on the corner of the doorframe. She and the mug of coffee she had been carrying flew through the air. The porcelain fracturing on the kitchen tiles, the crack echoing as a dent in Jason Bell's head, and in the sinew around her heart six times. Pip froze. It had been over 4 years since Jason died, and over 5 since Stanley died. And yet they were both still haunting her from six feet under and over one hundred kilometres away.
Pip tried to pick up as many of the pieces of the mug as she could, but with new waves of tears every ten seconds or so, she didn't make much progress. It had been over 4 years since Stanley died, and yet the gun still lived inside of her, slowly but surely taking her down with it. Pip was now curled up into a ball, the crying slowed but she still shuddered with sobs every few moments.
Pip hiccupped as she heard the front door creak open, and flinched when it slammed shut. She heard Ravi putting his keys on the hallway table, and could almost hear him hesitate. At this time of day, Pip was normally dancing about the kitchen and singing along to whatever Taylor Swift song was playing on her speaker as she made dinner.
"Pip?"
Ravi called out, pushing on the squeaky living room door.
"In here." She replied hoarsely, hiccupping again.
She was now vaguely aware of Ravi standing above her, his tall figure blocking the September sun that was filling the kitchen. She heard his knees click as he bent down, and she could now feel his soft breath on her face.
"Hey, Sarge." He said softly, Pip could even hear the sad smile in his voice.
Pip sniffed. "Hi."
"Taking a nice coffee bath, are we?" He asked, lifting Pip's hands from over her face and taking them in his.
Pip's chin wobbled, and while she attempted to clench it, Ravi had already seen.
"Pip. Look at me."
When she wouldn't Ravi lay down on the floor next to her.
"Do I need to pick you up?"
Pip let out a tear sodden laugh and shook her head.
"Well too bad."
In one sudden, swift movement, Ravi was on his feet, Pip scooped up in his arms.
"But, dinner?" Pip complained, weakly lifting her arm back in the direction of the kitchen.
"Dinner is not my number one priority. Unless it's a sandwich, and even then it's not my number one." He replied, the both of them now sitting on the couch, Pip still balled up between his arms.
Even though it was a warm autumn night, practically still summer, Pip shivered in Ravi's arms.
Before she knew it, her eyes had slipped shut and her subconscious had taken her back in time.
December 2020. Almost 3 years ago. It was the first time she had been back to Little Kilton since she left for University.
Covid had lent her a helping hand, the forced distance between her and her family giving her the time she needed to draft a message to her parents.
Her parents, of course, jumped at the opportunity for her to come back for a few days on her Christmas Break. Ravi had come and picked her up from Cambridge, the hour long drive back filled with Pip's never ending what-ifs.
They stopped for ice cream, but Pip's French Vanilla sat dejectedly in her lap, melting away as her scenarios flew at Ravi like diving kamikaze pigeons.
"Do you really, really want to do this?" He asked her, glancing at her before turning his eyes back to the road.
Pip nodded.
"It doesn't really sound like it. Can I have some ice cream, please?"
Pip picked up Ravi's near empty cup of cookie dough and spooned some into his mouth.
"Of course I want to go see my parents. And Josh, and Cara, and Con and Jamie and Nat. Also, have you seen my parent's new puppy?"
"Yes. I have indeed seen Monty. What I mean is are you sure you won't chicken out? Like, as in, do a Pip?" he asked, flicking the turn signal on and then off again.
"I'll try. Did I do a Pip when I went to see you again?" She shot back, raising an eyebrow as she slurped some of her ice cream soup.
"No, but that's because I'm me," he smirked, throwing her a smug glance. "Your one and only."
Pip rolled her eyes. "You wish, Mister has ice cream all over his face."
"Hey! That was one time. And it was all your fault, by the way. You just couldn't wait to kiss this handsome face."
"You're remembering a bit wrong, Ravi. Can you hear the rolling of my eyes?"
"Ha. But seriously. You're one hundred percent sure?"
Pip squeezed his elbow. "I am one hundred percent sure."
Ravi squeezed her knee in return. "Okay."
By the time she got to her parent's house, it was just after one in the afternoon. She managed to convince just to drop her off, that he didn't need to come in. Ravi begrudgingly agreed, but he promised to stop by the next morning, when they would take Josh out to Amersham for the day.
She dragged her small suitcase up the driveway, as well as carrying the two bags of christmas presents she had bought with her.
She took a deep breath, and knocked on the front door.
Her mother answered the door. Her face visibly lighting up.
"Pip!"
Pip tried for a sheepish smile, unsure of what to say.
"Is that my pickle? My Hickledy Pickledy?"
The booming voice of her father and skittering of claws made her heart strain.
"Hi Dad. Hello, Monty!" She said, bending down to pat the dog.
The dog was fluffy - and only about four months old. He had brown and black spots, and a large blonde patch of fur on his front paws which were now on Pip's shins. His eyes were a surprising bright blue .
"Am I allowed to come in?"
Her chest ached as she heard his father's easy laugh.
Josh was playing Formula One on the red couch as Pip tugged her bags up to her old room.
When she came back down, Monty now had a green and red elf hat perched jauntily on his speckled head. He was barking at Josh to throw his toy, but Josh was too engrossed in his video game to notice.
Pip walked into the lounge, threw the ball for Monty and sat next to Josh.
"Hey, Josh."
Pip could see his jaw clench as he replied with a cold "Hi,"
Pip, in turn, had to clench her own jaw to stop it from wobbling. "What do you want to do tomorrow? We don't have to go to Amersham. We could go into London, if you really wanted?"
Josh turned to face her, even taking his eyes off of the television screen to look at her. "Why? Just so you can leave me again?"
She should have seen it coming. It was one of the what ifs she had pelted at Ravi, that he had deflected by saying that he would talk to Josh if he needed to.
Holding in the wells of tears in her eyes Pip went upstairs. She still stepped over the third one, despite it being the habit of only one fateful night.
She flopped onto her bed, finally letting the tears be soaked up by her pillows.
She fiddled for her phone on her bedside table, tapping her passcode in and calling Ravi.
"Hello? Pip? Is everything alright?"
Pip stifled a sob.
"Pip? Are you ok?"
"Josh! He hates me, Ravi. He absolutely fucking hates me. Of course, I don't blame him-"
"Pip. I love you, but be quiet. I'll come over for dinner, okay? Can you ask your parents if I can stay for dinner?"
Pip sniffed.
"Can you do that for me?" He asked again.
"Yes. Okay. I will do that," she replied.
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you too."
