Summary:
The mental aftermath of Buck's ordeal starts to show.
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Chapter 17
Buck tried to open his mouth only to realise that he had a tube in his mouth. He began to panic and heard the monitors start to go crazy.
"Hey hey. Calm down it's okay. I'm gonna get someone okay." Eddie said caressing his cheek trying to calm him knowing that Buck was probably scared. Eddie hurried to find Buck's doctor pushing her in the direction of Buck's room. She stopped him at the door before calling in a team of nurses and other doctors.
"Okay we're gonna have to check him out okay? You can head to the waiting room and let everybody know the good news." She said.
Eddie headed to the waiting room dejectedly. He wanted to be there for Buck but he knew that the doctors had to do their jobs. On his way down he bounced into Bobby carrying their lunches.
"Eddie how come you're not with him?" He asked.
"Buck woke up!" Eddie exclaimed with a huge smile. He finally felt like he could breathe again. He hadn't been this relieved since he got discharged from the army.
Bobby almost dropped their lunch all over the floor in shock. Eddie stumbled and managed to catch the boxes of food before they could land all over the hospital's floors.
"What? When did he wake up? Is he okay?" Bobby asked with his heart racing in excitement.
"He woke up just now. The doctors are checking him out now."
"How was he?" Bobby asked knowing that waking up with a tube down your throat could be terrifying.
"Seemed to recognize me. Started to panic when he noticed the ventilator though." Eddie relayed still reeling from the events of the past 30 minutes.
"That's understandable. Oh my God. We have to call Athena and Buck's team and everyone." Bobby said.
Eddie and Bobby headed to the waiting room to call and tell everyone the good news. They called Buck's team mates first and they immediately announced that they were on their way. Eddie knew that they had to be the ones to tell Buck what went down after everything.
Bobby dialed Athena's number.
"Bobby?"
"'Thena he woke up!" Bobby exclaimed.
Athena let out a loud cry of relief.
"Thank you Jesus. How is he?" She asked.
"We're not quite sure. He's with the doctors right now."
"I knew he'd be okay. That boy is a fighter."
"He sure is." Bobby agreed.
"Just like his father." Bobby smiled.
"Everyone is supposed to come over later. I'll let them know he's awake. Keep me updated okay?"
"I will. I love you."
"I love you too. Now make sure our son is okay." Athena said and hung up.
Eddie felt giddy. Buck was awake. Buck would be able to come back home to LA soon. Well he hoped that Buck would want to come back to LA but he knew that Buck would have to sort things out with his command first but after that maybe he'd want to come to stay in LA for good. LA where he and Bobby could wrap him up in bubble wrap and keep him out of trouble's way.
Buck's doctor chose that moment to come into the waiting room and motioned for them to join her.
Bobby was quick to question her on Buck's condition, "How is he?"
"He's doing well. We've removed the tube and he's breathing fine. He seems to be in good shape. You can go see him now." She smiled.
The two men had been at Buck's bedside day and night when they could. Buck had to be one of the most loved patients she ever had. She was happy to see that he pulled through with minimal residual physical damage. The mental damage was a whole other story.
Bobby and Eddie practically raced to Buck's hospital room. When they walked in Buck had turned to see who was coming in. They rushed to his bedside.
Eddie reached out his hand for his hand to hold, "Hey baby. You have no idea how happy I am to see you."
Buck smiled holding his hand tightly.
"What happened? Don' remember much." Buck asked voice hoarse from disuse.
"Your team's helicopter went down. They found you and carried you to get treated before they brought you back to Virginia Beach."
"Oh." Buck said. His smile dimmed as he started to remember bits and pieces of what happened. The cave. Shark. Oh god Shark was dead.
"Shark and the pilot?" He asked already knowing the answer in his heart. He wanted to hear it officially though. To him nothing that happened after the chopper crashed seemed real. It was as if his dreams and reality blurred together.
"Pilot's alive. The tourniquet saved him." Eddie said not sure how to break the news about Shark to him. Buck would be devastated.
"But Shark?"
"He's dead Buck." Bobby said delivering the news.
Hearing the confirmation that Shark was dead broke Buck. So that part of it was real. Buck broke into controllable sobs.
"I- I tried. Dead when- when I got to him." Buck said trying to explain.
"Hey hey. It's okay." Eddie said trying to console him. That only made Buck cry more.
"Should have been me."
"No. No. Don't say that. You were so brave and saved who you could." Eddie tried to reason with him.
"I didn't try hard enough." Buck was spiraling with the loss. He hadn't felt so out of control due to a loss in a while. It took him back to when Tate died.
"You did your best. Even your command thinks so. They want to give you the Medal of Honor Buck. That's how well you did." Bobby said trying to get Buck to understand that he did all he could and that he was a hero.
"Don't want it. Don't deserve it." Buck said as his tears eased up. He pulled his hand from Eddie's and turned to face away from his boyfriend and his father.
Buck just wanted to be alone. He felt overwhelmed and consumed by grief. Shark had so much to live for. He had his parents and his girlfriend. He was going to be a father soon. He didn't deserve to die.
Both Bobby and Eddie were at a lost for words. They didn't know how to deal with Buck pushing them away. The room filled with silence until they noticed that Buck's breaths had evened out.
The next day wasn't much better. Buck had woken up screaming after a presumed nightmare. It broke Eddie's heart to hear Buck screaming in his sleep knowing that there was nothing he could do to help him. Eddie was at a loss.
Buck had been withdrawn all day. Not even his team could cheer him up. They had tried everything. Talking to him. Sneaking his favorite food. Hell they even snuck in the canine Apollo. Buck loved Apollo. Apollo had become attached him much to JT, his handler's chagrin buy not even that helped. To Buck seeing his team was just another reminder that Shark was gone.
Commander Jackson had stopped by as well. He had announced that Buck's nomination went through and soon he'd be receiving another medal. Buck didn't even have the energy to tell him off and continued staring out the hospital's window.
Eddie had one more trick up his sleeve, Chris. Chris was the one kid who could make anything better. Buck adored the kid and was happy to set into the role of his other father. Eddie called up Carla asking her to put Chris on the phone.
Carla and Chris has been over at Athena's. Athena was hosting an impromptu get together to celebrate Buck waking up. Everyone had gathered hoping that Buck had enough energy to talk to them. They were saddened to hear that Buck wasn't having a good day.
Pushing his phone into Buck's hands Eddie said, "There's someone who wants to talk to you."
"HI PAPA!" Chris exclaimed. The boy had been over the moon to hear that Buck was okay and could talk to him now. Chris had missed him so much and was eager to fill him in on all that he'd missed.
Buck gave him a small smile, "Hi buddy."
"Daddy says that you're having a bad day. You cheer me up when I'm having one so I want to cheer you up."
God Buck loved this kid. He didn't have the heart to tell him that he couldn't fix what Buck was going through. He'd try to stay strong for him though. He didn't need to drag Chris down with his emotional turmoil.
Chris launched into the stories of all that happened when Buck was presumed missing. The kid didn't even seem phased that Buck had barely given any input. Soon Chris had run out of things to talk about and Athena decided to pass the phone around thinking that maybe hearing everybody would help him.
"Hey Buck!" The crew screamed into the phone.
"Miss you big brother!" He could hear May exclaim.
"Hi guys." Buck said quietly.
None of them seemed phased at his lack of enthusiasm and simply continued on passing the phone from person to person until everybody had talked for a bit. The phone ended up in Athena's hands again.
"Hey baby. I love you okay? Thank you for coming back to us." Buck smiled at his step mom.
If only she knew that Buck wished he hadn't come back. Maybe things would be easier and he wouldn't have to deal with anything. He should have just given up and stayed with his mom on the beach.
Buck didn't even notice when the phone hung up. Eddie took the phone and sat on the bed next to Buck running his hands through his hair. It was just the two of them at the moment. Bobby had gone to Buck's apartment to get some supplies for them.
The silence settled between the two of them as Buck let his thoughts consume him. He didn't even notice when his breathing had picked up. In no time he felt like was struggling to get air in. His heart raced with the lack of oxygen.
"Babe? Babe you have to breathe with me." He heard Eddie saying. Eddie had identified that Buck was having a panic attack. He had been to many calls where persons were having panic attacks and couldn't come down from it eventually leading them to passing out.
When he didn't respond, Eddie grabbed Buck's face to look at him and encouraged him to mimic his breathing. Buck took deep breaths until his heart had stopped racing.
What the hell just happened to him?
"Buck baby. I think you had a panic attack." Eddie said looking at him worriedly. Buck made eye contact him and whimpered before bursting into tears.
Buck felt so lost. He didn't know why he was struggling so much. He was alive. He was home. He had Eddie and his family. So why did he feel like he was drowning?
Eddie just brought Buck's head to his chest rubbed soothing circles on his back to calm him down. Eddie had just gotten a glimpse of what Buck was dealing with mentally. The road ahead was going to be rough. He only hoped that the two of them would make it out together.
