A/N: Welcome to my new story, Mario's Galactic Tale. Basically, it takes place during Super Mario Galaxy 2 and comedically describes Mario's misadventures trying to rescue Peach from Bowser. This version of Mario is a far more reluctant hero than what's depicted in the games and (I think) more accurate as to what his attitude about these quests would be after around 30 years of stopping Bowser's plots.
Quick timeline note…I rearranged the order of the games a bit for the purposes of references in this story. Here, SMG2 is set sometime around 2015, after Super Mario 3D World and Bowser's Fury, but before Super Mario Odyssey.
Fair warning: the story goes into a LOT of detail, sometimes down to planet-by-planet accounts of what happens. However, all the chapters are fairly short, so I'll probably post 2 or 3 at a time.
I do not own any Super Mario characters.
Chapter 1: Bowser the Jerk Strikes Back
Surprise, surprise! Now, thanks to stupid Bowser, I've been thrust on another dumb quest to stop him and save Peach. What the heck does he even want with Peach? To take over the Mushroom Kingdom? He always kidnaps her, but then, except in New Super Mario Bros. U, never even bothers to invade the Mushroom Kingdom. It's like he just wants to waste my time and my money. Yes, contrary to what you may think, I do not get paid for my gig as the habitual savior of the world as we know it. I get paid for being a plumber, which I can't DO with stopping Bowser's STUPID PLANS taking up all my time.
So today I got a letter from Princess Peach, inviting me to come to her castle for the Star Festival. This should've set off a bunch of red flags for me, given that the last Star Festival was back in 2007 and these supposedly only happen once a century. But I was blinded by my hope that the event would go off without a hitch and I could just enjoy a relaxing night out.
I decided to head to the "Star Festival," but was wary because it's always big events like these where Bowser tries to kidnap Peach. I think he thinks they're big enough that he can sneak in unnoticed, but he can't because he's the only big, ugly, yellow lizard we know.
Anyway, I put on my gloves, adjusted my cap, groomed my mustache, shined my shoes, and walked to the castle. A few Toads waved at me, but I did not wave back because, for all I knew, they could've just been Goombas dressed as Toads.
Then somehow the background and foreground folded in around me, and I ended up in a 2D, storybook-like area. Wow, this was strange. Usually my days start out as either 3D or 2D and then stay that way, but never has this happened – I start out in a 3D area and end up in a 2D one. Then again, Mario and Luigi: Paper Jam sorta dabbled in both too, so whatever.
I saw something sparkling in some nearby bushes. Hoping it wasn't a trap, I parted the bushes leaves and saw – OMG, it was a Baby Luma! It whined about something for a little bit and then hopped under my cap. Yay, now I can Star-Spin again; I haven't been able to do that in several years! Then I continued on to the castle.
I ran by several more Toads as my world opened up into three dimensions again, and suddenly it felt like the back of my head exploded. I was knocked forward and looked up to see – what the flip?! It was raining meteors! One of the stupid things had hit me on the head! At first I was suspicious of the appearance of meteors, usually a harbinger of Bowser, but then everything made sense. This time of year the Plessie-onid Meteor Shower usually occurs; this must be part of that. And maybe that old, cataract-ridden fart Toadsworth mistook the Plessie-onids for the beginning of the Star Festival. Okay, now I was less suspicious; this was just a matter of finding the Princess a more reliable steward.
Oh, if only I was right about that.
As soon as I entered the town center in front of Peach's Castle, I saw that I was horribly mistaken, as I beheld the (quite literally) ugly truth. Bowser was here and he was as big as a planet from my first galactic adventure (which is nowhere near as big as a real planet like the Mushroom Planet, but whatever). I could tell things were gonna go south fast.
"Bowser!" I shouted. "What do you want?" even though in my gut I already knew what he wanted.
Bowser roared back at me, and I was disgusted because his breath smelled like sardines. What does that monster eat every day?! Bowser shouted back at me, which was unnecessary since he was already so huge, "GRAAHAHA, MARIO! I GOT THE PRINCESS AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME! NOW SHE'S FINALLY GONNA BAKE ME A CAKE! MY 275TH BIRTHDAY'S COMING UP AND I! WANT! CAKE!"
Make your own cake, you lazy idiot! But then I saw that he had Peach trapped in some sort of bubble in his left hand. I took a running leap at Bowser, but he swatted me aside with his giant right hand. I landed in front of a bakery as Bowser roared, "GOOMBAS, GET HIM!"
Goombas? I didn't see Goombas.
Well, remember those Toads I didn't wave to? Their heads popped off, revealing that they were Goombas disguised as Toads, a la King Boo disguised as Bowser in Luigi's Mansion! Those filthy minions of Bowser weren't going to stop me! I jumped on them and then leapt at Bowser again, but he suddenly vanished into thin air, leaving me to fall to the ground. For crying out loud! Now I'd have to embark on another grand quest to save Peach from Bowser's stupid clutches!
Then I saw two Lumas waiting on the steps to Peach's Castle. I didn't even want to consider what they might actually be, so I tried to ignore them. But the Baby Luma grabbed a clump of my hair and started dragging me towards them. OW! I swatted at him and approached the Lumas on my own.
Once I arrived, a button with 'A' written on it appeared in midair above us; then it vanished and the Lumas started babbling on. Less talk, more action! Eventually, they stopped talking and one turned into…oh no, a Launch Star! No, no, NO! Not another space adventure! Then again, I should have guessed as much would happen once I found the Baby Luma.
At the urging of the Baby Luma, I hopped into the Launch Star and was catapulted into space. Wait a minute…did I lock my house before I left? Argh, no I didn't! Great, now I'm gonna be gone for weeks or months, in which time I could be flippin' robbed! Actually, not robbed – burgled! All because of Bowser the Doofus. Was this his plan all along? Lure me away to space so then he'd be able to burgle me?!
After flying for like ten minutes, I saw a planet in the distance that I was approaching. My flying was sorta clumsy, and I started around like crazy. Then I realized that I was going to crash right into some sort of "house" that took up most of the planet. AAAH!
