Moments of Clarity

Summary: Takes place in Hydro immediately after Clark returns to the barn after pretending to be Green Arrow.

Guilt, that's the biggest emotion Clark is feeling right now. Guilt over the fact that Oliver is mad at him. Guilt over having to betray one friend for another. If he was being honest that was the thing bothering him the most. He hated tricking Lois, if anything he wished there had been another way to help Oliver protect his secret. He tried to tell Oliver that he needed to be honest with her about his moonlighting as the Green Arrow. He knew that it was hypocritical of him to even suggest, given how he has handled his own secret especially with Lana, but he knew that Lois deserved to know the truth. He also knew that for the relationship between his friends to last they needed no secrets between them, and if they weren't able to be truthful with each other their relationship would not last (which he may partially not be that upset about if he was being honest).

This is the main reason why he is isolated in his barn right now consumed with these thoughts. It all started earlier this evening. It had seemed like a simple plan at the time. He and Oliver would join forces to throw Lois off the scent that Oliver was really the Green Arrow while at the same time seemingly working with Lois to expose Oliver's secret identity. When Lois came to him earlier he knew that he had to let Oliver know. The decision for him to dress up in Oliver's gear pretending to be the Green Arrow to make Lois think it was someone else other than Oliver had seemed harmless at the time. Lois would be convinced (even if only temporarily) that she had been wrong, Oliver's secret identity would be safe, and things would go back to the way they were before. Leading to his other reason for being overwhelmed with guilt.

He can't really explain it, but something about Lois' relationship with Oliver rubbed him the wrong way. He thought (at least before tonight) that it was because of Oliver being the Green Arrow. He didn't agree with his tactics, felt he took too many risks, and all of that put Lois in danger. He knows it's crazy, but a part of him feels it is his duty to protect her. He liked to believe that he would be that way over any of his friends not to mention Lois' continuous gravitational pull towards danger. He placed his discomfort of their relationship under the category of him being overprotective or his "hero complex" as Chloe called it. Tonight for the first time he is confronted with the possibility that it was jealousy.

Walking to the barn window he contemplates what this really means. He can't be jealous, that would mean he has feelings for her, the type that has nothing to do with being a good friend or playing the hero. He is reminded of something Oliver said when they first met that he has never fully been able to dismiss that he has been hiding his feelings for her in sarcasm. It bothered him at the time because he felt it was way off base, it's bothering him now because he was starting to wonder if he was right. In a way it would explain why he turns away whenever has seen them flirting or kissing, why he gets annoyed when Lois talks about anything to do with their relationship, how he felt somewhat relieved when it seemed they had broken up for a minute, and how he had a slight sick feeling in the pit of his stomach earlier when Lois said she might be in love with him. It all bothered him, and now he might know why.

When he arrived in that alley, and saw Lois and Jimmy in danger his first instinct was to rescue them. His adrenaline kicked in, and he forgot for a second he was supposed to be acting as the Green Arrow. He just acted throwing one of the guys across the alley only remembering then about the bow and arrow not really knowing how to use them. Seeing Lois on the ground he just was doing what he thought any hero would do by offering a hand to help her up. What he did not account for (what no one would account for really) was how Lois reacted. When she called him Oliver for a second time he forgot that he was playing a role then he forgot everything.

Despite what Oliver implied earlier he can't predict everything. When Lois grabbed him he was genuinely in shock then she kissed him and he stayed that way for all of a fraction of a second. There was a fleeting moment when her lips touched his that he thought about pulling away, but for the third time that night he forgot he was supposed to be in character. Instead instinct took over again, and he just reacted oh boy did he react. It wasn't until he felt Lois pull away that he was reminded of what he should have been doing then Oliver showed up or was he already there he honestly can't say for sure as he never heard him arrive. Seeing Lois' hand approaching to slap him he knew that gave him the opportunity he needed to get out of there before he had another impulsive reaction that his instincts were feeling which, involved chucking Oliver across the alley so he could see if a second kiss from Lois would be as good as the first thus the source of his guilt.

He felt guilty for enjoying it, he felt guilty for letting it happen, and the real issue was that he felt guilty for not regretting it. Thus here he is wondering for the thousandth time tonight how it was possible. He knows that he has always found her attractive, but he was always able to justify that behind the fact she was a beautiful girl and it was perfectly normal. Now after tonight he wondered what it would be like to have Lois in his arms as Clark Kent, and more importantly to have her know it was him. Yet, he was reminded that Lois would never allow it even if she was under a spell or something. Knowing that led to his epiphany that he is jealous of Oliver specifically how Lois reacts to Oliver, and given that kiss another reason to be jealous of him. Also, another reason to feel guilty because since he got home having time alone with his thoughts all he can think about is Lois and what she might be thinking about that kiss.