raven's perspective

I was in the kitchen making a cup of herbal tea. Cyborg was in the garage tweaking the car. I heard every drill and clink from where I was. Starfire was in her room and Robin was probably analyzing systems to ensure the city's safety.

I stirred sugar into my tea with a metal spoon.

Pop.

Pop.

Pop.

I quivered, feeling an army of goosebumps bud on my skin. The metal shine from the utensil made my hand tremble.

The gun.

You're not holding a gun Raven, you're holding a spoon.

Stop being so paranoid.

But it looks like a gun.

It has a handle and it shines.

Raven.

Stop being paranoid.

Snap out of it.

I began to apprehensively toy with the necklace my boyfriend gave me.

Ironically enough, he appeared in the room.

"Good Morning, Rae-Rae."

Two strong arms slithered around my waist.

I gasped, being easily frightened.

A tender kiss landed on my neck.

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you." Beastboy repeatedly kissed my skin.

I laughed, "I love you more, Gar. Okay... that's enough." my smile slipped.

"There's never a thing as too many kisses." he continued.

"Gar! Seriously... I'm not in the mood."

"Ohhh. A penny for your thoughts?"

"I had a tough morning. I had two back to back panic attacks out of nowhere." I openly admitted.

Beastboy's bubbly, emerald eyes sank. His jaw set as he tried to find words to say.

I grabbed my boyfriend in for a hug.

He silently pulled me in and I snuggled into his neck, like I always did.

His subtle, tender scent wafted through my nose. It would be weird for me to say it was almost like aromatherapy... but it was. His hand fondled over my hair slowly, easing my rampant thoughts.

"You shine when you get up every morning... even if you don't want to." Beastboy recited a line from our first date.

"Do I though?"

"In the most gorgeous way possible." he smiled.

"We're getting through it, Rae, I promise. Sometimes you will feel like you are taking five steps back, but in reality you are taking ten forward. Trust the process, we'll be okay."

"Are you sure?" I felt doubt settle on my eyelids.

"We will. I'm always right, so we will."

"Ha, I don't know about the 'I'm always right' part, Elf Ears." I kissed his nose.

"If I'm not right, then who is?" Beastboy smirked.

I grinned back, and brought him in for a kiss.

"Alright, get a room, Grass Stain." Cyborg walked into the kitchen.

"Watchya mean? We weren't doin' anything. We were only having a simple conversation, maybe a kiss attached."

Beastboy winked at me, then fist pumped his best friend.

"Mmmmhm. Hey, Raven." the half robot smiled at me.

"Hi, Cyborg. How are you?" I returned the gesture.

"Pretty fine. You?"

"I'm hanging in there."

"You got it, Raven."

"Thank you."

"I was thinking we could all take a day out and grill some ribs. Maybe even play some ball. You know, the classic Titan picnic slash barbecue hangout."

"Sounds great, count me in." Beastboy chimed.

My face involuntarily hardened.

I nearly forgot my tea and started to drink it.

"Copy. Let me get Robin and Star in on it, and we'll head out." Cyborg dismissed himself.

"Okay. Rae, what's the matter?"

"It's just..." I evaded eye contact.

"You don't wanna go? We can stay if you want."

"No, go ahead. I don't want to stop you from having fun."

"And I don't want you to not have any fun."

"It's not that I don't want to go, baby. I'm scared to." I sighed and placed the cup in the sink.

"After such a hard morning I can understand why. We'll be right there with you, and you know I won't let anyone hurt you. Plus, there's no fun in anything if my girl isn't there with me."

His loose fang stuck out of the corner of his mouth.

"D'awww, you're the cutest. Okay, I'll go." I gave Beastboy a lopsided grin.

"GOOOOOOOO WIIIIIDEEEEEE!" Cyborg yelled as he prepared to launch a football.

The sun glistened kindly down on us. The sky was pale blue and decorated with a few white clouds. The grass was a little wet, but smelled very fresh.

Starfire grilled some of the meat while Cyborg played with Beastboy. I sat down under a tree with my knees curled up to my chest.

I was blankly staring at the world around me.

I jolted as Robin called to me, "Hey Raven."

"H-hey." I breathed.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I lied.

"No. You're not. We have a bond, remember? You've been inside my mind... let me inside yours."

My ears perked up.

I remember when Robin told me that same thing on my birthday a couple of years ago.

Birthday.

Balloons.

Pop.

"Robin, I don't even know. Some days I'm okay. At least I think I am. Others, like today, 'okay' seems out of reach. I'm not currently having a meltdown or anything but it's still in the back of my head, you know?"

"And that's fine, Raven. You are always going to think about it. It might not feel the best to always have such a heavy thing on your head. But one day it will clear away a bit."

"I want that day to be today." I frailly spoke.

"I do, too. Remember when I fought Slade at the Tower? That night when it was rainy and I was all beat up. When I was hunting down Slade for my life?"

"Yes."

"I saw something that was never there to begin with. It was all in my mind, in the dark that whole time. I'm not saying this is all in your head. This experience is very real to you. But do you ever stop to think that maybe all of our pain is simply thoughts?"

"I never thought of that before. Woah." I stared out into the distance.

People were laughing and screaming joyfully. Groups of families tossed frisbees, kicked balls, and made food of their own.

So much festivity was surrounding me, but I felt alone in an isolated, pitch-black corner.

"Yeah. I would have never learned that if I didn't go through what I did. I remember feeling how you feel. No one was seeing, hearing, or feeling what I was. I was fighting an internalized battle. As much as my friends saw the external effects... the bruises, the scars. None of them could see the demon I was fighting."

"I feel that."

"In the end, I learned fighting against my struggle will make it worse. I learned was never alone as much as I felt like I was, my friends were there the whole time." Robin beamed lightly at me.

"I know you guys are here for me, Robin. I just feel like none of the objects or people in my around are real."

"What do you mean?"

"Like... I'm looking into a picture."

"Expound on that for me."

"I feel like I'm looking into a picture. I'm not really in the moment, but I'm seeing it. I'm not taking it in or feeling it. It's just there, in my hand. Stuck."

Robin glanced at me patiently, knowing I would say more.

"Yo, Robin! Come play some fuuuuutbool!" Cyborg chanted.

"Yeah! Two against one!" Beastboy added.

"I'm coming, give me a sec! Sorry, back to what you were saying?"

"You know the story of Alice and Wonderland, right?" I quizzed.

"Mhm."

"I feel like Alice. I feel trapped. That's the reason why she fell into the rabbit hole. I kind of want to get away from the world. It reminds me so much of what happened. I feel kind of free in that rabbit hole, free to feel how I feel when I want to feel it. Then again, I want to get out of the earth and close the soil up. I want to walk and avoid as many holes as possible. I'm sorry, I hope I'm making sense. The last thing I want is for my words to be misconstrued."

"You're making perfect sense. The analogy fits really well with your current situation. I can see you transparently through it. You want to come out into the light, but sometimes the dark feels a bit comfortable, because that's all you've ever known."

"Exactly."

"When you defeated your father, what did I tell you?"

"Raven! Would you like to partake in some of the meats I have cooked? I am advise you to eat them with mustard." Starfire stated joyfully.

"I will, Starfire, I'll be right there."

I turned back to Robin, "That I was the most hopeful person you have ever met." I answered with a dim smile.

"Yup, and you still are. You live up to that everyday, keep it that way." Robin helped me up, "Come on, let's go eat and have some fun."

I got up from under the shade of the tree and walked bravely into the sunlight.