EDITED: August 4th, 2023.
Huge thanks to the following people for favoriting and/or following this story: , PrincessTwilight, OwlUrs the slayer, Vgn Golley, reinateague07, jor56, and moonchild-things. And so sorry for the late update, but here's next chapter. I hope you all enjoy and are safe!
15 - It's A Wonderful Life... Not
It didn't dawn on Karen until the holidays were in full swing, just after she bought a beautiful blue sweater for David. It was the sweater's fault really—mostly the soft sensation that thrilled her fingers so much the person standing in line behind her got annoyed and barked, "Get moving, lady."
She did—but not before shooting them a stink-eye. And then, in the solitude of her bus ride, she analyzed the sensation. The ache that started at her belly while the spot where her heart was supposed to be felt hollow. Empty. How that strange occurrence spread down her limbs and made her tremble the slightest.
Karen loved her little family. Her mismatched family. The people that took her in when she needed it the most. So, it felt more than blasphemous to admit she had a few scattered memories of her other family. But she did.
She remembered a cozy loving room, with a Christmas tree in the corner. The top had curved, star stuck flat against the ceiling. It had been fresh, and the smell of pine mingling with gingerbread always, always made her close her eyes. Because after, a woman would come in to carefully fold the flannel blanket taking space next to Karen. And her words would be, "Dinner's ready."
Karen remembered more. But not the voices. The intonations, the accents. Those had faded long ago. Even Clark's.
Fifteen years, she mused.
Fingers snapped at her nose.
"Are you getting out of the lift?" asked Eddie.
She turned up her nose and walked past him.
"Why aren't you wearing something warmer?"
Karen sat after taking off her summer coat and pumps, leaving her in a black-and-white sheath dress. Her hair was even up in a ponytail.
"I was feeling a little hot."
Eddie glanced past her, at the frosted windows.
"Uh-huh."
"The cold doesn't bother me anymore." Nobody believed her, no matter how many times she had said it in the last week. She wasn't kidding. Her gas bill last month came incredibly low. "And as long as Snart isn't making a comeback, I thought it would be safe to risk it."
"You're going to catch a cold."
Karen sighed. "If that happens, I'll allow you bragging rights."
Eddie lingered by her. He watched her absentmindedly while she worked at the keyboard, while she answered the phone. He stood there for five minutes in solid silence, and she didn't shoo him away.
His behavior didn't surprise her. A lot changed since that night when the Flash attacked him. Not only did the mayor greenlit the Metahuman Task Force, but he also made Eddie team leader. These days he was more a first responder than a detective. Somehow, footage from the mall had leaked and the video in which the Flash punched him became viral. The CCPN had a lot to say for a being that, according to them, wasn't remotely possible to exist. It had lured a lot of unsavory characters to light, meta and not.
And the way he treated Karen was different too.
Karen lied the whole way through their conversation after the Arrow and the Flash had caught Roy Bivolo. Well, not entirely. She showed him articles about odd cases around the country, some which might have been perpetuated by natural metahumans. But after her ramble, Eddie took one good look at her and said, "You know who he is. You know this... Flash's identity."
"I don't. Whoever that person is, I don't know them."
Not a lie. Karen didn't know what Barry did besides saving people. In their brief interactions with his customed self, he displayed a foreign side to her. The Flash was a stranger.
Since then, Eddie has taken to cornering her in the oddest of ways. When she was busy, when she was on lunch break. Even a message in the morning. Always the same question: Who is the Flash?
If he thought he would beat her, he was wrong. Did she feel sorry for making him waste time? No.
Karen braced herself, the answer hanging from the tip of her tongue.
"Karen, why did you and Barry break up?"
She blinked. "Excuse me?"
Of all things to ask.
Eddie backtracked. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
Her mouth opened and closed. "You've got me intrigued. Why do you want to know? You've never asked before. I assumed Ramirez spilled the tea on everyone to you."
"Yeah, but he tends to... dramatize. And that was your life. I don't like listening to personal gossip."
He leaned against her desk. Conflicted.
"But... it's been bugging me for a while." He pressed his lips tightly. "I heard another rumor. And they don't make sense together." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."
"I can't believe I'm going to say this." She adjusted in her chair, pushing away from her monitor. "But friends can tell friends things."
The melancholic Eddie vanished. He smiled wide, and she flinched. Dammit. She hadn't intended to sound sappy.
"Is that what we are?"
"Don't push it, Thawne."
"Right." He started pacing. "Barry gave Iris a wedding band. Not a real one, a replica. A replica of Iris' mom's wedding band, which she lost when they were kids. She never told me this. And it's thoughtful, right? Sweet. A little too sweet. I mean—maybe I'm overreacting, but it's suspicious. It's not the first time he's done something like this for her. Like, the other day, I couldn't pick her up from work, but Barry paid her an Uber trip. A fifty-dollar trip. Okay, she was going to the outskirts of Central City, so it isn't that weird. They are friends. But then he bought her a pizza box with these ingredients—"
"The chocolate monster," Karen said knowingly. "I remember that." She could eat anything, but that monstrosity had ruined her taste buds for a week. Cheese and six different types of chocolate don't mix well. She remembered thinking why couldn't we buy half and half? alongside Iris is trying to poison me.
"Roman's doesn't prepare that kind of food."
"Barry proved the chef's innocence once, so the man does the pizza whenever Barry requests it."
Eddie stared at her. "Is that normal?"
Karen rubbed her temples, sighing. "No, it's not." She threw one leg above the other, her bare toes curling a little. "I can guess what you want to know. Truly." She placed her hands flat on her thighs. "We broke up because I didn't like their closeness. That, and a whole load of other shitty things."
"Ramirez said you were the other woman," Eddie said apologetically, and she glared.
"Ramirez has a lot of nerve if he thinks he will get away with that." She sighed, looking grumpy. "But you want to know if Barry likes Iris."
"Be honest. Does he?"
Karen shrugged. He couldn't look at him without showing how that bothered still, even when she was determined to leave Barry Allen behind.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
She peered at Eddie. There was something defeated in him.
"That doesn't mean she likes him back," she said reluctantly. "If she did, they would've been together ages ago."
"How long has he liked her?" Karen looked heavenward. Eddie's shoulders slumped further. "I was planning to ask Iris to live with me."
"That's a huge step."
"But if Barry's been in love with her all this time—how can I beat that? How can I beat those years they've known each other?"
"Careful. That's how it starts." Karen looked at the clock. Lunch time. She stood, putting on her heels. "Come on. Gossip works better with food."
They were in the elevator when Joe West cut in. "Break-in at Mercury Labs. Two vics."
"God." Eddie turned to her, apologetic. "Lunch will have to wait."
"I'll save you a BBQ sandwich."
0000•0000
Karen kept tabs on the Mercury Labs case through the grapevine. First, she heard the suspect was possibly a meta. Then, that it could possibly be the Flash. The hottest news was that Joe West had personally asked David to keep Barry out of the case.
She was a hypocrite. She meant to keep out of Barry's business. But curiosity nagged. And yet, she didn't have to look for trouble. Everything seemed to take place in the lobby. She had a front row of the confrontation Barry had with Dr. Tina McGee, then when Joe dismissed Eddie and the latter snapped back.
Karen was mostly alone in the station when Barry came out of the lift. He was dragging his feet, head hanging low. She pretended to be busy in spite of the low lights signaling she was the emergency dispatcher that night.
She bit her cheek hard when Barry sat behind her, on Det. Grant's guest chair. She had been the one to move it, so the backrest was leaning on the glass behind her desk. Awfully aware of his presence, she stilled her hands.
"I told Iris about my feelings for her."
The confession knocked the breath out of her.
She wanted to be flippant about it. But the question came out quietly. "How did that go?"
His head thudded on the glass. "She didn't say anything."
He sounded so small. Sad. Karen moved her chair back, close to the glass window. Back-to-back with him. She dared to look back. The glass was cold against her cheek.
"Why now? You had so many chances before."
Barry was quiet.
"When I was nine, my mom was murdered by a Speedster. I didn't know what it was then, so I called him 'the man in yellow'. He had a suit like the Flash's, but... yellow. I woke up in the middle of the night because mom was screaming. When I found her, he was running around her, and dad was begging me to run. And suddenly I wasn't in my living room. I was three streets down from my house. When I ran back, she was already dead. And dad was cuffed." He took a shuddery breath. "He's been in jail for fifteen years for a crime he didn't commit.
"Today he told me I haven't been living because I want to. That I've shaped my whole life around that event. That Iris was collateral. He was nicer about it, but..." He shrugged. "He gave me the advice to try living on my terms. To move on. So, I told her." He laughed self-consciously. "It took me all this time, and it was my dad who pushed me. I'm pathetic, aren't I?"
Karen turned her head fully. Barry had his eyes closed.
She touched the glass where his head rested.
"The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it."
She heard his smile. "You stole that quote."
"Maybe. But it makes sense. It takes a whole lot of courage to make those leaps of faith." She sat back properly. "Especially when the future is uncertain."
"Were you this wise when we were together?"
Karen shrugged. "Not really. I started reading a lot of psychology books after I woke up from my coma."
"That will do it."
His phone pinged. She glanced at him, found him half-turned to her. He was rearing to leave.
"I have to..."
"Go." She nodded.
There was a whoosh. And then she was alone.
0000•0000
Christmas with David's boyfriend was nerve-wracking.
Rob wasn't the problem. Rob was terrific. But his little mom, one Mrs. Leslie Stokes, was terrifying. Karen knew Rob had been a late surprise for the Stokes but hadn't expected the frail-looking woman to be so loud. She couldn't remember why she was nervous when each word that came out of the woman's mouth made her clench and unclench her fists in annoyance.
What had David said? She will like whatever you bring. Wrong. So wrong. Mrs. Stokes had found it in her to complain about the ham. Karen was really proud of her ham, dammit. It took her hours to find the best, then hours to marinate it properly. What did Ma use to say? Never come empty-handed to your neighbors.
She stuck to the kitchen. There she wasn't tempted to strangle the old biddie. But Mrs. Stokes followed her. She turned the TV on, and the first thing that appeared was the blurry footage of the 'man in yellow'. They called him 'Reverse Flash' now though.
"Absurd," Mrs. Stokes was saying. "Completely absurd. How can these 'things' exist?"
"Science," said Karen.
Over the island, she spotted David turning on the sofa. He threw her a warning glare and she returned. She gestured to Rob with her head, then at the backdoor past the guest room.
"What are you going to say about me?"
"It's not a secret that I was your guardian. She can't say anything against us staying in touch."
"I didn't mean her. I mean Rob. What is Rob allowed to know about me?"
Rob's ring shopping had been a whole thing. David had searched high and low, Karen made a lot of trips to different jewelries, the Harcourts and Johnsons had pitched in with advice. Karen had been unable to comprehend the enormity of it until David told her he planned to tell Rob about her. About the nature of their relationship.
It would be his business if he said yes. It would be his right to know. Karen's secrets tended to shred relationships—just look at her. He wouldn't be in danger, but... it would be his choice if he didn't want to get involved. It would be reasonable.
She didn't blame David for not rushing to tell him. But he needed to do it before he asked for his hand. A 'no' after would be a horrible mood dampener.
"The food is ready," she declared, making a little flourish.
"You took your time, girl. Hope it wasn't that dress's doing." The old woman eyed her. The little red piece Karen wore was Mattie's recommendation, and though she'd cackled while she did it, Karen took her on her word. She wanted to be memorable, good or not.
Her phone rang. When she saw the ID, excused herself and answered.
"Hello?"
"What am I looking at, exactly?" Barry didn't sound angry. A little curious, a little doubtful. She imagined him turning the little box around with one hand while he held the phone. Exactly as Joe West had done when she'd asked him to give Barry the gift box.
"Open it. It doesn't bite." She tuned her ear to him. Voices talked in the background, but she only recognized the Wests and Eddie. Paper crinkled as he tore through the box, and at last, the delicate sound of nails clicking on porcelain.
"You gave me a broken mug. Wait. Is this my favorite mug?"
"You broke my mug." She won it for him at the fair that took place at the bay. Barry had used and reused the thing until they broke up. The cleaning lady had picked up the pieces from his lab, but Karen had stolen them before she could throw them into the trash.
"That wasn't me, that was Joe. But how did you fix it?"
The clarification lifted her spirits a little. It also made her feel less nervous about what she would say next.
"Have you heard about kintsugi?"
"It sounds Japanese."
"Uh-huh. It's the art of repairing broken things and mending them with powdered gold. It's got a lot of meanings. Some say it's to hide the damage, others to highlight it and make it beautiful. The philosophy about it is that we should respect what is damaged and scarred, to care about what is vulnerable and imperfect. To give it love."
"I'm confused."
"Things that are broken can be mended. It may not be the same, but it can be something better if you want it. You can make something better. Fate gave you a rough life, but... I guess I wanted to give nine-year-old Barry a little reminder that he can keep being brave from now on."
"Are exes supposed to be this nice? What happened to my mean, old Karen?"
"Careful there, Flash. Consider this my one good action of the year."
"You know, you want everybody to think you are this... mean girl. But you aren't. You've never been."
"What are you talking about? I'm bitchy as hell. I'll keep annoying you back on schedule this Tuesday.
He chuckled. "Merry Christmas, Karen."
"Merry Christmas, Allen." She hung up.
She was about to head when her phone rang again. Without looking, she answered.
"Don't tell me you broke the mug, Barr."
"I'm afraid you got me confused, Ms. Kent."
Her grin fell. She'd been expecting this call since Queen asked for that favor. She just wished the League of Assassins had better timing.
"How did you manage to get my information?"
"We know everything." The voice was feminine. Crisp. A cheesy line stolen out of an action movie. But her heart still pounded hard against her ribcage. "Consider this a boon for the holidays. Stop your digging, or someone dear to you will pay the consequences."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Martha Kent."
Martha, Martha, Martha. Was she fine? How dare they?
"Martha Kent is dead."
"Legally. But Sylvia Danvers is currently drinking tea at a retirement home in Metropolis, hair cut to the shoulders and dyed red. One cannot help but return to old customs when seeking comfort."
Karen gritted her teeth.
"We are not to be messed with. It will do you well to remember."
"I will stop."
"Good. Now, do tell Oliver Queen his time draws short. Ra's expects results, or else."
The line clicked off.
Karen's breath fogged in front of her.
What did she tell Barry? To keep being brave? Where had all that confidence gone?
Hands shaking, she dialed a number she didn't think she would ever use.
The line clicked as they answered. There was breathing but no response. Perhaps that person never thought she would take him on his word. He had to know it was her—she was well aware that he had all her disposable phones' numbers in his database.
"Do you have access to the High Frequency Generator?" There was a hitch in his breathing pattern, but he controlled it fast. "Please. I need you to find one person. I need to know if they are safe. Please. Please. Nobody else knows. I found it by accident. Her name is Sylvia Danvers, S-Y-L-V-IA. She's supposed to be in Metropolis—"
The phone clicked. It rang endlessly.
But an hour later, she received an email that deleted itself five minutes after she read it. It was simply signed with a "B".
