Chapter 67: Killer Queen
The Starshroom's Launch Star catapulted me towards a circular, grassy planet with what looked like a giant…ladybug(?) sitting on it. Oh great, was this some relative of Bugaboom from my first galactic adventure? And now they were out for vengeance against me for their son/brother/whatever's death, continuing the stupid trend of revenge started by the Spiky Spikepeckers from the Cloudy Court and Fluffy Bluff Galaxies?
I landed on the planet in front of the bug, and I saw that I was wrong; it wasn't a bug. It was some giant, corpulent, female version of the Hughkillers…maybe their queen, since she was wearing a crown and one of those ridiculous neck frills that all royalty wore back in Toadspearian times.
The giant lizard was asleep, and I had no clear way to wake her. Then again, there were several grates scattered across the planet, and for all I knew, she was atop another one. So maybe I had to go to the far side of the planet, get underneath her and then – wait a minute, this was just like the green Electrokoopa from Super Mario Sunshine! The guy on the Ferris wheel or carousel or tilt-a-whirl or whatever the spinning ride at Pinna Park was, where I had to get underneath him and flip the panel he was on to knock him into Delfino Harbor. This was gonna be so easy.
I ground-pounded through a grate to the far side of the planet and pondered a name for this "boss" of sorts. Hmm…she was the Hughkillers' queen…maybe the Killer Queen? Gunpowder, gelatin, dynamite with a laser beam-
Snap out of it, Mario.
Sure enough, Killer Queen (recommended at the price, insatiable an appetite) was sitting atop another grate. I positioned myself over it, then ground-pounded. I flipped back to the topside of the planet, while the oversized lizard flopped on the planet nearby. Oh great, she didn't go flying off it entirely like I'd expected. No indeed, she got up, looking dazed at first, but then stared at me. Oh come on, why couldn't this have been a simple, one-hit boss fight? Seriously, I really miss the days when all I had to do to beat even Bowser himself was yank on an axe and bam, he's done for. Fast forward to 2013, and of my two encounters with him that year, the first time he used the Super Bell and Double Cherry to give himself superpowers, and the second time he turned into a flippin' kaiju demon after drinking some black sludge he found on the ground "just because," as he said after I cured him.
A bunch of Star Bits sprayed out from Killer Queen (she keeps the Moët et Chandon in her pretty cabinet), and she charged towards me. So her subjects paid absolutely no attention to me, but she did? That didn't seem fair.
I ground-pounded through the nearest grate to me as Killer Queen (at anytime, an invitation you can't decli – okay, seriously, stop) closed in on me. Then, as she started to pass over the grate herself, I ground-pounded back through it. Killer Queen flipped through the air and landed across the planet from me. But she quickly got back up and glared at me.
Ugh. And I thought Wendy was hideous.
Killer Queen suddenly made the unexpected move of spewing three balls of lava at me. I leapt around the rather out-of-place attack, seeing as how none of the regular Hughkillers seemed to have any fire-breathing powers (then again, neither do regular Koopas, yet Bowser can). But the attack then took an even more unexpected turn, as two of the fireballs landed in a corresponding pair of grates I ran past while dodging the attack. And they filled the grates with lava. How that worked I have no idea, seeing as how grates shouldn't be able to hold a liquid, but I suspected it had something to do with some sort of equilibrium between the opposing gravitational forces acting on the two sides of the planet.
Woah. Cut out everything before "equilibrium" in that last sentence, and what's left sounds pretty damn sophisticated, if I do say so myself.
Only after relieving herself of her bout of heartburn did Killer Queen charge towards me again. I ran around her side and flipped through a grate that had been spared during her fiery attack. I went to ground-pound the grate again as she passed over it on the far side, but was like half an inch off and ended up pounding the ground to the side of the grate.
And then Killer Queen proceeded to clamber over the side of the planet and continue charging me. Oh come on, I thought she was stuck on the far side of the planet since there was no way in hell she could fit through the grates, but I guess not.
I quickly flipped back through the grate to the topside of the planet, then ground-pounded again as Killer Queen passed over (under…?) the grate on the underside of the planet. BAM! Solid hit! The giant lizard flipped over and landed across from me on the bottom of the planet. And then she got mad; her yellow underside turned orange, and her reddish-pink top turned a deeper red. Well, at least that probably meant I'd only have to deal one more blow, since usually bosses only got P.O.'ed like this when they were on their last leg.
Killer Queen then spewed more lava balls at me, six this time, and I intentionally ran around so that one grate near me remained clear of lava; my attempt was successful. Killer Queen ran towards me again, and I did the whole flip-flop back-and-forth routine again to ground-pound her one final time. She flopped over on her stomach, and then exploded into a Power Star. Finally, I'd be able to put this nonsense level behind me.
The Power Star floated to the center of the planet. I ran over to it, grabbed it, and officially said goodbye to the Flipsville Galaxy…for now, at least. I know I keep saying this, but I hoped I'd never have to set foot back in this galaxy again. And yes, I also know that at this point, given how many galaxies I've made that complaint about, I'm gonna have to head back to at least one of them at some point to get enough Power Stars to reach Bowser's final base. I just like being defiant in the face of stupidity like these levels.
So back at Starship Mario, I saw I now had 31 Power Stars and 15 Comet Medals. By that time, the World 4 sun was getting low in the sky, which meant that it was likely already dark in Worlds 1-3. Well, I'd gotten two Power Stars today; I'd say that was enough for one day.
Waiting for me at the helm was Bartholomew. "Oh, hey Mario," he said. "The Prankster Detector just buzzed again. Apparently the Prankster Comet for the Cloudy Court Galaxy is back."
"Yeah, and I think I sent that Prankster Comet a pretty clear message by ignoring it the first time around," I said. "That place is a nightmare; there's no flippin' way I'm heading back there again. Not to mention I'm not really sure it's safe to head back past the end of World 3, where all that multiversal madness with Bowser Jr. went down."
"Hmm," Bartholomew said. "Well, maybe if you would tell me more about what actually happened there, the Brigade and I could find that out for certain."
I huffed. "Don't you have more important things to do, like helping Yoshi and Percy set up their bedroom, or how about putting an end to those gosh dang Goomba doppelgangers of you guys that I keep running into all over the universe?"
"The ones from the Rightside Down Galaxy? I thought we got rid of them."
"Yeah, well apparently there's a bunch of new Goombas ready to take up the mantle of fake you or fake Blue or fake whoever anytime one of them gets killed."
"Huh." Bartholomew shrugged. "Oh well. We'll deal with them as we come across them. I mean, they're just Goombas. They can't be too hard to get rid of…right?"
Ohhh, that slippery little bastard knew exactly what he was doing there.
My options were to either 1) agree that Goombas are no big deal and lay off pestering him about hunting down the Not-Toad Brigade, or 2) admit that I'd almost been killed by two Goombas today and never live down that humiliation.
"Whatever," I said. "I'm turning in for the night."
And on that note, I headed to my cabin and watched a few more episodes of The Punishroom, as per my agreement with Baby Luma about control over the TV.
The following morning, I got up and decided to make sure everything was on the up-and-up around Starship Mario before heading out for the day. My inspection went off without a hitch. Willy's former stump was still securely lodged in the Warp Pipe to Lubba's prison. The Co-Star Luma was still stuck in Launch Star form in the closet where I'd trapped him. Yoshi, Percy, and the Toad Brigade were finally getting around to the "fixing the hole in the helm" stage of their bedroom makeover. All was looking good.
I walked over to the steering wheel and looked to see what the names of the two galaxies were that I'd unlocked by defeating Killer Queen in the Flipsville Galaxy. The Chomp one was, rather fittingly, named the Chompworks Galaxy, and the beach one was, rather fittingly, named the Starshine Beach Galaxy. That place sounded peaceful (certainly more peaceful than the Chompworks), although that didn't necessarily mean anything. Sparkling Waters sounded peaceful back in New Super Mario Bros. U, and then I came to learn that it was actually home to those sea serpent monstrosities the Dragoneels.
I flew the Starship towards the Starshine Beach Galaxy, and that was when the universe decided it was high time to engage once more in its favorite pastime of pulling the rug out from under me just when things are looking comparatively good.
Flashes of purple light sparked in the air around the bill of the Starship's cap. I immediately froze, while my bowels unfortunately did the opposite. No, no, no, not the multiverse again! What now? Had the Night King or Darkside or one of those other alternate-universe nutcases somehow been resurrected and was out for revenge now? I slammed on the brakes and banked a hard turn to the right to try to get Starship Mario away from this as fast as I could.
Only the sparks remained fixed in place above the Starship, and slowly coalesced into a flaming ring, like a discolored version of one of Doctor Strangetoad's portals from the Mushroom Cinematic Universe. Then the ring vanished, only it had left something behind.
Or rather, someone.
Star Bunny.
Okay, now I was completely, hopelessly confused. Because last I saw of the Star Bunny, he'd gotten sucked into that wall of flames in the Haunty Halls Galaxy/Hell, not ended up in another universe. So was this an alternate version of Star Bunny? Could be, given his…strange appearance. His eyes glowed purple with magenta pupils, and his tail and front paws were fully wreathed in purple flames. And the tips of his ears had switched from yellow to purple, and were wreathed in crackling electricity of the same color.
"YOSHI!" I shouted. "PERCY! BARTHOLOMEW! WE'VE GOT TROUBLE!"
Star Bunny sneered at me, then vanished. Oh great, where had he-?
Something kicked me from behind and I fell forward, hitting my head on the steering wheel. I got up and saw Star Bunny, now behind me. He sneered at me and chirped, "Hello again, boiyoing!" he said. God, I did not miss hearing that. "Time to get my revenge on you, with help from my new powers…." He held up his front paws, and bolts of energy arced between them.
Well, that about settled it. This was the same pain-in-the-ass Star Bunny I thought I'd seen the last of.
"How are you back?" I spat. "You got sucked into those flames, and…." Those purple flames. Oh, don't even tell me that those flames had somehow given him flippin' superpowers and made my situation, like, ten times worse.
"And you should've listened to Obi-Wan Kenobitoad, boiyoing!" Star Bunny said. "'If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.'"
First of all, I didn't strike him down; the idiot was just too slow hopping down that path in the Haunty Halls Galaxy.
"And now, boiyoing," Star Bunny said, "to give you a taste of that power." He closed his eyes, and I couldn't tell if the expression on his face was of him concentrating on doing some magical energy-related thing, or trying to relieve a bout of constipation. I didn't really care, and instead I swung my fist at him. But at the last second, Star Bunny raised one of his tiny paws and somehow managed to stop my punch. I shoved harder, but couldn't move my arm.
Star Bunny opened his eyes, and a pair of lasers shot from them into my nose.
OW!
I flew backwards into the steering wheel again, cracking it in half, as Star Bunny hopped towards me.
Suddenly, Bartholomew and Yoshi climbed through what was left of the hole in the helm. "Uh oh," Yoshi said. "Not this guy again."
Star Bunny turned around to face them. Bartholomew grabbed the collapsed form of the Extendable 8-Foot Spear from his belt, expanded it, and hurled it at Star Bunny. But the spear froze when it as inches from the rabbit's head, then spun around and faced Bartholomew.
"Time to give you a taste of your own medicine, boiyoing!" Star Bunny chirruped. The spear hurtled towards Bartholomew's mushroom head. He ducked under it, and Yoshi simultaneously grabbed the spear with his tongue.
I went to leap on Star Bunny's back, but forgot that his tail was covered in flames, and only ended up burning my shirt. The rabbit spun around again and fired two bolts of energy at me, one from each ear. The electricity somehow gripped me around the arms and lifted me in the air. "Let…go…of…me!" I grunted.
"I think not," Star Bunny said. "Prepare to eat the full power of the Purpleforce, boiyoing!" His eyes flared brighter for a second, as did the electricity coursing from his ears into me. A sphere of purple energy exploded outward from me. Star Bunny gave an evil grin, and then teleported away again.
I fell to the helm, feeling well and truly like a piece of fried chicken. The sphere continued to expand until it had enveloped the whole Starship, and then faded away. Huh. What the heck was that supposed to do?
Yoshi ran over to me. "Mario! Are you okay?"
"No, I'm not okay," I said. "I just got deep-fried by a Star Bunny who I previously would've bet my life I'd seen the last of!"
Suddenly, Starship Mario rumbled, and a powering-down sound came from inside it. Oh no. Oh, no no no….
And then the Starship started to plummet towards the Starshine Beach Galaxy.
"What's happening?" Bartholomew exclaimed.
"I think Star Bunny fired off some sort of EMP attack that fried the Starship," I said. "Come on, we've gotta get the engines back online!"
"There's no time for that!" Bartholomew pointed over the dashboard. "Look!"
I turned around. The Starship was rapidly approaching some giant planet that I assumed was the main planet of the Starshine Beach Galaxy. Bartholomew was right. There was no time to repair the engines.
Percy clambered out the hole in the helm. "What the QUACK is going on up here?" he demanded.
"Star Bunny came back from the dead and blew out our engines," Yoshi groaned. "Everyone, brace yourselves. This is gonna be a rough landing."
I ran back to the steering wheel. The planet was part land, part water, and it looked like on the eastern end of the planet was an especially deep pit of water. I pointed to it. "I'm gonna try to steer the Starship towards the water there – hopefully that'll make it a softer landing. Then we can swim off the Starship onto dry land." I gripped the steering wheel and spun it…only for half of it to suddenly break off. Oh. Right. Star Bunny threw me into it.
"What do we do now?" Yoshi warbled in terror.
"Uh…." At this point I was just pulling stuff out of my butt. "Get inside, as far to the center of the ship as you can. That should mitigate the force of the impact or…something." And before anyone could argue with me or point out some flaw that would give me reason to doubt my questionable plan, I leapt through the hole into Percy and Yoshi's bedroom. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss. Even if this plan of mine wouldn't do any good, I didn't really want to know that in that moment.
But I hadn't even made it to the room's door when the Starship shuddered, and I was flung into the wall. I grunted and shouted, "What the flip is going on out there?!"
"We took a glancing blow off another planet," Yoshi said. "Now the Starship is spinning – EW, Bartholomew just puked on me!"
I got back to my feet and ran for the door again. Suddenly, a much harsher collision rattled the Starship. I flew into the ceiling and hit my head (which hurt since, again, I didn't have my Kevlar-lined cap to soften the blow), then fell back to the floor.
Right on my nose, which still hurt after Star Bunny ruthlessly laser-blasted it on the helm.
And that was the last thing I remembered.
A/N: Next up in the Annual Special: meanwhile in Lubba's prison, a discovery in Bowser's kingdom, and how Star Bunny got his powers!
