Hey, guys. I know I said I wouldn't be able to post anything, but I've decided to work on this a little bit. Try to get in a few chapters before I update Ragnarök Forthcoming. So Las Vegas is fun so far. There's been some rain and I've been hearing word about a tropical storm called Hilary that's affecting the southwestern US by California. Hope it doesn't reach where we're at. The time here is different from where I'm from, which is on the east side of the US. Anyway, here's the new chapter.
Disclaimer: Turning Red and it's characters are the property of (c) Walt Disney Pictures/Pixar Animation Studios.
Elements are borrowed from God of War (2018) and Ragnarök, owned by (c) Santa Monica Studio/Sony Interactive Entertainment.
Magni and Modi had both provided a decent company for Kris and despite his persistent muteness and lack of displayed emotion, he had grown quite fond of the two.
Even though he never said a word to either one of them, the brothers were admittedly glad to have him along, because they both felt it was nice to have someone to talk to once in a while. It does get pretty lonely out there in the woods after all. From then on, the two pretty much became the boy's temporary legal guardians in a sense; teaching him vital things like chopping up wood with an ax that held the power of Fimbulwinter, cooking food like the stew, making drinks like wassail (nothing strong, of course) and other things. There were things he knew already like climbing trees, obviously. Overtime, they took him places with them. For instance, they brought him with them into town to fetch food and supplies. Kris met a bunch of people there, such as a woman named Astrid, and he thought the place looked very authentic. Everything looked very medieval, like he was lost in an ancient era of the past. They even introduced them to some very close and personal mortal friends of theirs whom they've gone on many journeys together; a half-blind man named Olaf, a dark-skinned seafarer named Kalfr, a tough, but tenderhearted Anglo-Saxon farmer named Ulf, a grizzled blacksmith and former soldier named Haukr, a bulky young Viking woman named Ylva the True and a wimpy man named Raud.
They went everywhere together. Kris never left their sight for a moment. Up into the mountains with a splendid view of the land below, to a huge waterfall that reminded Kris of Dettifoss from Iceland, but was one you could walk behind, all of this was making Kris feel safe and cared for. It was certainly a lot better than wandering the woods alone for days, trying to find civilization. One time, they went fishing in the lake. Kris wasn't a good fisher at first because he never went fishing before, even on those camping trips. However, the most surprising thing of that trip was when Kris met the gigantic, countlessly-long serpent known as Jörmungandr. Without expressing it with words, Kris was borderline terrified. However, the creature didn't appear hostile and he was then surprised when it spoke to them…in a tongue he did not understand. However, Magni encouraged the dumbfounded boy to prove to the giant serpentine beast that he was no such threat to it, so Kris did this by throwing his ax high into the water then suddenly, like a dog fetching a stick, Jörmungandr dove into the lake after it and disappeared, creating a wave in the process that knocked their boat meters away from their spot. Kris never saw him again after that, but was still shaken from the experience. Magni and Modi shared lots of stories with him and lots of lore, like when their father killed the giant Hrungnir who was made of stone and got pieces of him stuck to his head in the aftermath. Kris didn't care for these stories. He only listened out of boredom. They were kind of the only 'family' he had right now until he reunited with his real one someday.
Eventually.
"Hey." Modi said to Kris one day while they were inside their shared cabin together. "We were thinking. What do you say we go on a trip together? A very long trip this time, I mean. What do you say?"
Kris gave this some thought and then nodded in agreement.
"Yeah? I thought so. Maybe get a little exercise and all that." replied Modi. "What we were planning on specifically was that we hiked down south and visited a friend of ours in Denmark for some festivities that we were invited to. I think you'll come to like him."
"His parties are extraordinary." Magni whispered as if telling a secret.
"Of course, we won't hike the whole way. Have you ridden a horse before?" asked Modi.
Kris shook his head.
"That's fine. We'll teach you."
And off they went on this long journey. They've packed their things and some snacks and water since it would be a two-day trip to reach the southeast coast of Norway. They joined up with Olaf, Ylva, Raud, Kalfr, Ulf and Haukr in the local village and together, everyone was on the hike as a group. As usual, Kris was silent the whole way, but nobody seemed to mind at all. They traveled through the tense wilderness, through rain, wind and sun.
"You sure it was a good idea to bring him along?" asked Ulf, gesturing to the apathetic boy.
"We couldn't just leave him alone." Magni answered strongly.
"Besides, he'll be fine. His majesty won't be too perturbed by him." His younger brother declared.
"I'm more worried about him." Ylva appealed, sounding like a concerned mother, very unlike a tough and brash warrior woman like her. "I doubt he's ever been in the presence of royalty before."
"He just needs to remain with us and keep his posture. Won't you, lad?" Haukr asked the boy with a pat on his shoulder. Though, he only shrugged as his answer to that.
"See, he's got it." Modi seemed confident enough on the boy's behalf.
"I do miss those shindigs. Mead and food to go around." Kalfr commented with a pleased smile of nostalgia, even turning over to Kris. "And lots of gold treasures to share."
"I don't think he's interested in riches." Olaf replied.
"Maybe he could do with a souvenir." countered Kalfr. "Perhaps a ring would do him nicely."
"Don't spoil him." warned Ylva sternly. "Last thing I need is another fool going stark raving mad with greed over golden trinkets."
Hours later, they continued their way through the woods. Most of them had to stop and take breathers before proceeding. At this point, tiresome walking through the forest has become redundant to Kris at this point. He's become accustomed to this feeling. Only now, he didn't have to do it alone. He had all these folk with him, remaining by his side. It reminded him of his family and his friends. But they weren't here right now. Another couple of hours zoomed by without them noticing and the woods around everyone were starting to look different to all of them. The trees were looking sickly with sharp branches jutting outward like large thorns that looked like they could pierce through anything and the ground became covered in leaves until they almost couldn't make out the grass below their feet. A misty fog clouded the area like a sea of mist below their ankles. From all directions, strange animal noises were heard in the distance like howling, clicking, roaring and whatnot. Nothing harmless, if it's any indication.
"Stay close, boy." instructed Magni.
"You sure we're heading the way?" asked Ulf, looking around nervously.
Then suddenly, a series of snapping sounds interrupted the silence so fast you never even saw it coming. It came from right on the ground and without warning, everyone stepped into some concealed rope loops on the ground hidden by leaves and it certainly was a surprise undoubtedly for one-by-one, each of them were now hanging high above the ground by their ankles upside-down. Few were miffed by this sudden occurrence, but were fumbling to try and get themselves free or else the blood would start rushing to their heads.
"Luckily, I've been in this exact situation before." Kalfr replied sarcastically.
"When?" Olaf balked at that. "When have you ever-"
"I was being ironic!"
While upside-down, Kris's shirt was revealing his bare stomach to everyone, including a few of the fresh self-inflicted scars carved on his flesh, much to their surprise.
They popped out of their hiding places within the bushes all around. Dozens of strange wild people covered in extremely-thick fur coats and wearing antlered helmets while shouting wildly like a group of deranged children as they gathered around their captured prey from beneath them, then laughed at them hanging there above their heads when they realized their traps had worked.
"What 'bout that? We's gots us a freshen catch!" One of them shouted, holding a long bar-like stick that he used to prod Ulf with, making him exclaim with annoyance.
"Hey, stop that!"
They laughed uproariously again by his reaction.
"What a bunch a' weirds-looking deers. I'ds didn't know deers could speakin' the English stuff. Is'n they've evolves-in'?" Another one of them dopily grinned curiously while observing them closely.
All captive hostages hanging helplessly 9 ft. above the forest floor were caught off guard by their peculiar speech pattern. They didn't talk like normal people. In fact, they sounded like they had mental issues and raised improperly. Only then did their befuddlement turn to disappointment and neutral annoyance. So they've been captured by a bunch of idiotic hermits with very low intellect.
"Okay, the joke's over, you guys. Would you mind letting us down now?" Haukr gently asked, trying to keep it together.
"Prove it, eh?" They urged. "We all's like t' see's if'n you feellas aren't really deers or bears."
"Do we fucking look like animals?!" Ylva screamed at them impatiently. "Just get me down from here or else!"
"Okay!"
Quickly, they got to work perfunctorily chopping them down by the ropes with their sharp weapons, making them all fall straight to the ground with hard thuds. All of them ground and winced in pain after their bodies smacked against the hard ground like bowling balls. Nevertheless, they arose and got a better look at these new people and to be blatantly honest in the most brutal way imaginable, they all looked quite ugly, unattractive and hard to look at with slightly disfigured faces littered with boils, liver spots with big or small noses, some with missing teeth or misshapen teeth and some with long, messy and unkempt hair with hair bodies.
"Lookie here, lookie all, feellas…!"
"Nee!"
"...have we's got urselves a find pair o' legs 'round here!"
"Nee, nee, nee! Pftang, zumpft, wuah, wuah, nee, nah, noo!"
"I'll say we is!" One of them, a woman, agreed with an ear-to-ear grin. "We's have us some guesses o' horror!"
"Uh,...guests of honor?" asked Raud, correcting her.
"Alrighty then, let us be off! Chief is going t' love this!"
Against everyone's will, all wild ones surrounded them from all sides and grabbed their arms, taking them all with them down a path, ignoring all of their denying pleas. But nevertheless, they entertained them and went with them, all steaming with irritation. But they would only allow this for some time. They mustn't keep his majesty waiting for too long. Trudging through the barren wastelands and listening unconsciously to the annoying, nonsensical maunder, it was a remote village hidden far away from the waking eyes of common civilization. A village full of huts that were horrendously and imperfectly structured. Very poor architectural designs, but these were people who have allegedly been living in the woods all their lives with little to no human contact everywhere else. Not everyone was perfect.
Everyone else living there was all the same. Had dopey grins, behaved wildly and erratically like a group of destructive schoolchildren on a playground and all wore furry attires. Needless to say, it was a pain to be dragged into this situation and what was even more painful was that they were all seated on the floor in the bigger, main hut at the center of their little makeshift village, no doubt used for ceremonies and whatnot. And here they were, all uncomfortably sitting their cross-legged together, forced to watch all of their hosts have a wild little shindig of their own, dancing around goofily, singing loud and obnoxious songs off-key (making their guests try to plug their ears), and eating and drinking together, even sharing some with them. However, the food they served didn't look too appetizing to them and it had an odd smell to it.
"...and a'that, my dearest an' dearest lumplings, is how we knows the earth to be's shaped like eh penis." said an old guy with scraggly white hair and beard, sitting way to close to Kris for comfort and speaking in a high-pitched, scratchy and squeaky voice that sounded like he was being choked. Kris wasn't even listening to him because it was very hard to take him seriously with that voice of his.
"So you folks that lived way out here for….long time? Right?" Olaf asked delicately, nervously trying to make something that resembles a conversation.
"Long time!" Everyone shouted together.
"We'sn been one that in…like, been one with the yuni-vertical and y'know. 'Cause-'cause the yuni-varse is full o' trees and food fer us to, like, put in our mouths." said another guy with a hideous, bulging throat.
"Zeet-zeet-suu!" chirped another forest native.
"I say's t' you and I say'sn this t' you, now listen here, we are…the Forest Men!" cried out another man. "All o' us!"
"Is that woman a man, too?" asked Magi, pointing at the frumpy-looking woman sitting across from them.
"Yes!" She grinned with a grin that was missing a couple teeth.
"Born 'n bred men we is!" cheered another, plumper woman with a fat nose and moles on her chubby cheeks.
Silence fell upon the disturbed travelers, which would be easy enough to cut through with a blade.
"And here he comes!"
As they all looked toward the animal-skin cloth covered entryway on the other side of the hut, a man shot through with great big bushy beard, messy and untamed locks of dark brown hair, he was wearing a crown-type thing on his head made from spruces, leaves, branches and twigs - anything these so-called 'Forest Men' could salvage out there in the wilderness - a fur-coat over his exposed upper half, which was covered in thick chest hairs, a long necklace (almost made of leaves) around his neck that was going past his crotch area, a series of animal furs around his waist and fur boats and he had the biggest dumb grin on his face ever while raising a wooden cup to the air as if to give a toast. So this must be their leader, if one's not mistaken.
"Bless thy and scorch thou, my delightful friends, one and all!" He shouted with a broad voice that stood out from the rest before noticing the group feeling like they were being held hostage. "Oh, my! We do have guests. Well, dare I say how it is simply a ringing pleasure to meet new friendly faces. Like we don't get much to those around here. Do we, lads?"
"No's we don't not!"
"Hel's we don't!"
"Zump!"
The group couldn't help but notice that this one had a far more intelligible speech than his fellow wild folk, so this has to be their leader. Though, he didn't seem much like a brilliant leader if he's looking after these weirdos. If it was any consolation, Kris really wanted to be outta here soon.
"Welcome, welcome, welcome, and then there were four - welcome!" The crowned individual spoke on welcomingly….if that wasn't clear enough. "Outsiders, be thee. Come closer as you are now getting bigger in my eyes."
As he said this as he marched over to them to get a closer look at them. Each member was getting more and more disturbed by him and the rest of them.
"Listen, sir, we don't mean to be rude, but we're kind of-" Magi tried to get a word in, but was cut off.
"Why? Don't like it here? Why not? Besides, we've got all the accommodations we and you could ever want. Let us sip to that, fellas!" Everyone, all Forest Men, chugged from their chalices, even messily spilling on themselves in the process.
Reluctantly, Ylva took a sip from her cup…then immediately spat it back out.
"Eugh!" She cried, tossing it to the ground in disgust.
Her comrades eye her with worry and shock. Sure enough, as Kris raised his cup to his lips to try his, he was suddenly caught by its…weird smell. A smell that his young brain right down to its inner machinations recognized instantly before pouring it on the ground.
Urine. They're drinking their own urine.
Disgusting!
"Purely made from drinking from the flowing creeks." The top man described. "How's the food?"
Getting a better look at the food they were given, which still didn't look good enough to eat and in fact, had a sludgy and sloppy appearance with colors of brown, dark yellow, greenish and some tiny bits in it, which they all raised their plates and gave that a smell as well,...before they all retched in revolt, struggling not to throw up in front of them. That odor was a million layers worse than the drinks. No way they were going to even try giving that a taste.
"Oh, don't like it?" asked the leader with concern. "We made it ourselves…after eating the last meal we had, which took a while to pass through to the other end. Oi saints, you cannot fathom how oddly satisfying it felt pushing it out, holding those plates underneath and-"
"Thanks, but no thanks. We're already full." Raud interrupted with a sharp-pointed glare, pushing his plate far and far away from him.
"Well, anyways, allow me to introduce ourselves to you." The leader said, pointing out to several of his kin, starting with the one standing with him. "This here is my Second. Say, hi, the Second."
"Hi!" The Second replied, waving at them like a child, to which they all hesitantly and uneasily waved back.
"That over there is the Man with the Goiter." Then he pointed to the one with the bulging throat.
"Who's they's tricks?" asked the Man with the Goiter politely.
"That there's the Wise, but Not Completely Wise Man." Then to the old guy with the white, aging hair.
"Did's youse know's that germs are they most intelligent species o' animals way's out there and they's breed a thousand 't one times slower than use peoples?" asked the squeaky-voiced Wise, but Not Completely Wise Man.
"That handsome devil is the Brave Man."
"Sal's-utations." gruffed the mentioned man with a heroic pose.
"And then there's the Not-So-Brave Man and the Seriously Not-Brave Man. Over there is the Man Who Spits and the Man Who Loves to Sit and Hum All the Time, that's the Man with the Thing on His Head, the Hungry Man, the Lady Man and the Fat Lady Man."
"Hi!" Both ladies cheered with aggrandized polish.
"So there's the Man Who Herds Goats and Cows, the Lame Man, the Weird Man….." Man, these folks are really into literally naming.
"And this is Pig. He's a pig." said the Man with the Thing on His Head, holding up a large pig named Pig up to the group, which oinked a response.
"And I'm Chief. I'm the chief." said the leader, introducing himself finally as the, well, chief of this group of Forest Men.
"Nice to meet you all, but-" Magni was cut off.
"And we are the Forest Men, proud and true! And now we do our yell for you!" All forest dwellers chimed together all at once, then let out a bunch of wild screeching and hollering. Some were burping rudely and some started passing gas and this was it for the travelers. This was more than enough for them to take from these idiots. So they all shot up and headed out of the hut to continue on their journey. Kris was quick to join them since he's been wanting to leave since they got there.
"Oh, you guys are leaving?" asked Chief, calling out to them. "Where you going? We were just about to urinate in the bushes together!"
Storm thundered upon the ocean as the group rowed their Viking boat aggressively through the roaring, angered waves of the waters of the Skagerrak after they had reached the coast. The winds were powerfully strong, the showering rain had beaten down on them, soaking them hard with a wetness that they struggled to ignore and all, including Kris, sat on one side and the other, fiercely putting girth into rowing the oars together as they braved the weather like a group of champs. For Kris, this was an experience he'd remember all his life. Rowing an old Viking boat through the ocean in the midst of a violent hurricane, being struck from all angles by rogue waves threatening to knock them off the bow and send them sinking down into the depths below to a watery grave. Within reason, he was scared that this might happen to them eventually, but the need for survival kept him rowing, combining his mighty strength with everyone else's and putting it to good use as they rowed and rowed.
Eventually and thankfully, the storm had passed over, the winds had calmed, the seas had settled and faring the waters was much easier now. Finally, they had reached the shores of northern Denmark and when they did, they all pulled their vessel out of the water, soldiers on horseback approached them from on the horizon.
However, they soon recognized them as allies of the king and escorted them all to the kingdom high in the mountains that overlooked the ocean and the shore far down below ruled by their closest friend, King Glanni Glæpur, an Icelandic-born man who became King of the Danes in the kingdom of Jutland. He was infamous for his lavish parties and adventures with his friends. And it was a most monumental and historical day today for it was the day to celebrate the union between the Danes and the Swedes via the marriage of his only son, Prince Moder and Princess Solla Stirða of Svealand. And what a wedding it would be with food, music and all. Kris was inwardly astounded to be visiting a royal family in a medieval land. Many people out there would probably kill to be where he's at right now. Once in the castle where the festivities were being set up and put together, the king recognized his guests immediately.
"My friends, welcome! At last, you've arrived." King Glæpur cheered with joy as he brought the two brothers into a bear hug. "I was wondering when you'd come."
"Hello, Glanni. Sorry if we're fashionably late." smiled Magni warmly. "We ran into some….complications. But we're here now and congratulations on your son's wedding."
"Yes, in fact. And how lucky he is. Quite the flower his wife-to-be. They'll make the finest couple. Who's that?" He prattled on with excitement before stopping when he saw Kris standing idly by with them.
"Oh, him? He says his name is Kris." said Modi.
"Via calligraphy since he's been really quiet. He refuses to speak." His brother added on. "We found him lost in the woods all by himself."
"My goodness. Nevertheless, he'll find that he'll have much to enjoy here." explained the monarch as he turned over to the boy. "And I hope you do, young man. If there's anything I'm good at is throwing the most jovial parties of all. I fib you not."
"Let us begin, then!" said his prime minister, Íþróttaálfurinn.
Come the wedding, everything showed how well thought out it was and how important it was to the Danes that their union with the Swedes must be upheld. Kris sat with the travelers in the crowd, awaiting the ceremony. At the altar, Prince Moder himself was there in the sharpest wedding attire while awaiting his bride to arrive and sure enough, Princess Solla adorned in her lovely wedding gown that everyone agreed looked ravishing on her. Even her fiancé loved the way she looked. The proceedings went on after the two were finally face to face and the pastor droned on and then came the vows.
"Moder, I must say that after many, many misfortunes with men in the past, I was afraid you would be the same as the rest and you proved me wrong after getting to know you. You were the first to make me feel this way and I could never thank you enough for giving me everything I never knew I needed." said Solla, looking her beloved in the eye.
"Solla, before this, before meeting you, I had been terrified and disillusioned by the idea of love and marriage and it was never my intention to ever marry only for status or riches. However, the moment I saw you, everything changed in a heartbeat. One that had beat for you and you alone. I was ever lost in those sea-blue eyes of yours as they fell upon mine. That is a moment of life I would shan't never forget." said Moder honestly, eyeing her back.
Watching these affairs go on and listening to their profound wedding vows, this reminded Kris of a familiar feeling that he felt with Mei. As a matter of fact, seeing the couple at the altar, he imagined himself and Mei there, smiling at each other. How loved and appreciated he felt from the Asian girl whom he was in love with dearly…until she broke his heart when she let him take the fall back at the party. This memory almost brought forth flowing streams of tears from his eyes but he fought it back.
Then they were pronounced husband and wife and the two kissed. It was a glorious day, everyone cheered.
Everyone except for Kris, that is.
Afterwards, everyone dined in the hall, all sat down at a large table with lots of delectable foods to eat and beverages to drink. Magni, Modi and company were pleased to have some more edible meals to eat after the disgusting ones the aptly-named Forest Men offered them and they were sure starving after their long trek through the woods and across the ocean. Kris, too, was glad to have something fine to eat after a while.
"A toast to the newlyweds! Drink to your health!" Íþróttaálfurinn cheered with his mug raised high into the air and everyone, sans Kris, raised their mugs and downed their beverages.
After everyone quieted down, Glanni Glæpur rose from his seat and humbly addressed the crowd.
"And so it is with great honor to have all my friends here with us today." announced King Glanni to all. "The mighty brothers Magni and Modi, the indomitable Olaf, the adventurous Kalfr, the industrious Ulf, the powerful Ylva, the vastly-skilled Haukr and the dexterous Raud. Never could I ever forget our many incredible adventures together. I remember when we were sailing the ocean up North when that vicious sea monster attacked our ship. Luckily it was no match for Modi and his dagger and nobody could have defeated an underwater beast with a simple dagger."
"He did put up quite a fight, though." Modi shrugged while everyone laughed.
"But to have everyone here for my son's wedding to the lovely princess of Sveatland, I only hope to maintain a resounding peace between both diverse kingdoms and allow all to live together in peace and harmony. And to that, let there be music!"
The music played, the jesters danced and frolicked, the guests, castle staff and thegns and the Norse travelers and it was certainly a fun time for them all. However, even though Kris joined in on the activities, nothing was able to lift his sour mood for a second.
Nothing could.
And there's the new chapter. So I've chosen to throw in a little Monty Python-style humor when introducing the Forest Men as I've based them on the Knights Who Say Nee from the Monty Python and the Holy Grail film. And they call themselves the "Forest Men" even though there are women among them, which really shows how incredibly stupid they are.
I have named King Glanni Glæpur after the Icelandic name of Robbie Rotten from the Icelandic children's show, LazyTown. I've written him as a tribute to Robbie's actor Stefán Karl Stefánsson who had tragically passed away 4 years ago on this day due to bile duct cancer. Again, different time zone here in Las Vegas, so don't question it, okay?
Íþróttaálfurinn is the Icelandic name for Sportacus and Solla Stirða is the Icelandic name for Stephanie, other LazyTown characters since I had grown up watching that show a couple times in my childhood.
R.I.P. Stefán Karl Stefánsson (July 10, 1975 - August 21, 2018)
Stay tuned!
