Summary: Takes place in Savior right before Clark calls Lois as the Blur. Clark is reflecting on being without Lois for the past three weeks and how he feels now that she is back.
Three weeks, that's how long it's been since he's heard her voice or seen her face. Three weeks since he has been alive and laughed. Three weeks since he knew what it was like to feel warmth, hope, and love. Three weeks of torture, three weeks of loneliness, three weeks of sorrow. Yet, it was only one second for all of that to disappear the minute he saw her again. These past few weeks without her he felt like he was living in a daze focused solely on his mission to fulfill his destiny. To perhaps live up to all the hope she had in him when he showed himself to her, when she accepted him, and when she was willing to fight for him. If maybe he could be the hero she believed he was, maybe it would make it hurt less to make him feel whole even if it was only in those moments he could forget that he is missing a part of himself. Still, he was reminded all over again when he'd be faced with something that reminded him of her. So, more and more he isolated himself hoping that he could forget it all, but it never got better if anything it made it worse.
Giving up his humanity had made so much sense without having a reason to live: "What's the point in living if you can't feel alive" he thought. It was some quote from some movie she made him watch at some point in time. Before he thought it was cheesy stupid even, but without her it seemed more logical. What was his life without her in it? She had been a constant for so long it was hard for him to even remember what it was like without her. She filled every part of him without him realizing it. It was the culmination of a bunch of little things that at the time seemed insignificant that he dwelled on the most. It was those million tiny little things that he missed the most. The things that used to annoy him, or that he thought he couldn't stand. Things that made him feel proud when he was the only one who knew about them and that made him feel excited when he picked up on a new one. It was those things that made her special and what made him feel the void in his life without them.
He knows that he needed to be stronger, that everyone in his life expected him to be stronger. He knows he let Chloe down by walking away and not being there for her when she needed him the most, but at the time he couldn't. He was broken, and there was nothing he could say to make it better to fix it. A shell was all that was left, and he didn't have the strength to even try. So, he left everything behind with no intention of turning back. Letting go was all he could do, but he never let go of her. He searched for days and when he couldn't find any trace of her he tried to forget. He tried and failed for she was always there in the back of his mind as a constant reminder of everything he lost and why he could not go back. However, there was nowhere he could go to make him forget.
He did everything to escape her yet, she was always in his thoughts and in his dreams. After losing her it seemed less relevant to have feelings, attachments, and dreams. Fearing that it was emotions that made him weak that he had to be detached from the world to focus and to have the ability to stay on course. After all the mistakes he made he thought it made sense that it was his human side that was holding him back and that he was determined to not let anything distract him again. He knows by separating himself he was hurting his mom, Chloe, and the rest of his friends, but he couldn't let himself be vulnerable to risk losing more. Plus, it would be unfair to them when his heart just wasn't in it when all he felt was dead inside. Thus, he trained learning so much in the past three weeks though without purpose or drive.
Hopeless, that is how it has been for the past three weeks, him mindlessly training for a destiny he wasn't sure about in a purposeless drift just because he knows he should. Just going through the motions, and having no hope. So, in that second when he saw her again suddenly there it all came back again: light, his reason, his hope, his humanity. He has tried so hard since she has been back to stay focused to remind himself that he couldn't risk getting close for fear that he could lose her all over again so he stayed on his task to train to better embrace his Kryptonian heritage, but that was easier said than done. Before when he thought she was gone forever his thoughts of her served as fuel to keep grounded to make him remember that there was nothing to go back to. Now, knowing she was back safe and sound they were having the opposite effect and even Jor-El could tell something had changed in him. Determined to get back on track he set out to say goodbye, but he just can't seem to do it.
Leading to what he was doing now. He's been pacing back and forth for the past fifteen minutes trying to talk himself out of it, trying to just walk away and forget about everything. He knows that's what he needs to do, but it is not what he wants to do anymore. Not since Clark Kent decided he wasn't so dead after all. In that moment he knew he had made his decision that while it was better for the sake of everyone and everything he cared about to stay away the part of him that sprung back to life needs her. This seemed like the most reasonable way to fulfill both. Pulling out the phone, and taking a deep breath he tells himself that it's just because he misses her, and needs to hear her voice that maybe after some time has passed once he knows she won't disappear he can stop going back to being detached. Before the thought is even complete he already knows it's a lie, but he knows that this is only a temporary solution. He's not sure how long this will last, but he can't worry about that right now. Because, he can feel again, he's alive again, and that he knows eventually he is going to want more. For as long as a part of Clark Kent lives he will need Lois Lane.
