The Horse with No Name
Chapter Fifty-Four
Ashes to Ashes
Goku jumps three steps at a time, spinning around the spiralling bannister and over numerous unsuspecting kais that shout after him as he runs down the passageway. When he reaches a wooden, engraved door far older than any of the others, he remembers to wrestle the pass card out of his obi, thrusting it in the face of one of the bird people until he's allowed entry down yet another set of stairs. He'd been waiting up in the stands for ages. Why hadn't the meeting people told the spectators that it'd been – what's the word they used? – cancelled, no, wait, adjourned.
They'd just been left to wait. Goku'd just been left wait whilst his son was whisked away to who knows where. Why did nobody grab him? Why is he now just finding out that Gohan's been returned to the holding chamber?
It'd been the first time in months since seeing him and Gohan had been so… well, actually, Gohan hadn't been nearly as out of it as Goku thought he'd be, but he still hadn't seemed all there. There'd been a cloud that'd haunted the air above; grey and exhausting him, as though every ounce of life had been bleached.
But he'd still been strong.
"This energy will slowly diminish," Gohan had nonetheless proclaimed, "Every generation from now will experience slight degeneration until the day when ki will be completely extinguished from the mortal existence."
Goku can't think about that for now. Importantly, what kind of outcome did the Kai decide? Are they going to execute Gohan? Rixas said that they might try even with Shin's defence. But no. Absolutely no way. Goku won't let them. Not Gohan.
Soon enough a polished handle comes under grip and Goku thrusts it forward just in time to see Rixas curve a right hook into Gohan's face. He's red-faced, spitting and so unquestionably incensed that Goku doesn't need to know the language to realize something bad has already happened between them.
"Oh, good!" Rixas then greets him in Common, hands in the air in furious rejoice, "Brilliant! I'm glad you're here. I've had him an hour and already I want to put him back in the Gold Emollient! You deal with him."
From all fours, Gohan mutters something to himself. Whatever it is mustn't have been all that friendly because Rixas lashes out again, this time burying his boot into Gohan's gut.
Goku steps forward, pushing him backwards. "All right, that's enough!"
"You were so eager! You were so fucking eager to get yourself killed! "
"I said that'senough!"
Rixas turns on him next.
Goku steels himself, and then in a firm voice; "Go cool your head."
There's a tense moment where Rixas looks ready to swing but he doesn't, and instead shoulder barges Goku when he does finally leave, his footsteps angry and echoing all the way to the top of the staircase. Dust sprinkles like rain when the door slams.
Layered in this pinch of dust, Gohan remains on his knees, twitching with an orbit of contiguous electricity that has Goku's hair stick up on end. Okay, well, this is more familiar ground. The last time Goku'd seen Gohan hadn't been so different after all.
He offers out a hand. "C'mon. Walk it off."
Unsurprisingly, it's shirked away.
"Gohan…" Goku kneels down. "I gotta' know what happened. What was the result? What's happening next?"
No answer.
"Gohan."
When Gohan covers his face and groans Goku feels his heart plough right through his stomach. Is the result that bad? Rixas'd promised he wouldn't let them – But he said—! "They can't do that!" Goku jumps to his feet. "Shin said that he had a plan! I'll find him and—"
"No."
"You wait right here and I'll—!"
A hand snags at his gi pants.
"Don't," Gohan asks of him, letting the loose material slip through his fingers. "Just don't."
"I won't let—"
"They're not executing me."
"…Oh." The news washes over him like fresh water and he laughs through the relief. "Oh! That's good! That's really good. I was pretty worried there for a second. Okay, so… what's the problem? What are they gonna' do?"
Gohan finally stands but it's only to leave.
"Gohan." He takes his son's arm and refuses release. Goku's waited months for this moment and a temper tantrum won't get in the way of that, divine or not. "Don't walk away from me."
"I don't want to talk, and tell that to him when he comes back."
"Rixas?"
"Yes."
"Seriously... Aren't you guys supposed to be buddies or somethin'?" Gohan gives up on trying to retrieve his arm, allowing it to dangle between them like a white flag. "Jeez… You're both so stubborn."
It's a wonder that Gohan doesn't protest when Goku manages to snap him up into a hug. He's so tall now but it still feels right, still as perfectly in place as he'd been when he'd been a toddler.
"Gohan…" Goku mumbles into his cloak. "I've missed you so much."
At this, Gohan makes a pained noise Goku can't decipher, though he doesn't move and nor does he push Goku away when he's held far longer than Goten would ever allow. A tuft of blond comes to rest against an orange clad shoulder; the nostalgia warms Goku's heart, it inspires him.
"Whatever's gonna' happen next, well, I'm sure we can get through it."
"I don't want to get through it," Gohan replies in a low, miserable voice, "I want to not wake up the next time I close my eyes."
Long ago, Goku would've bet his own life on the fact that Gohan could and would never take his own life. But hearing him speak like this, God…
"You're personally offended because I, what, might have killed myself? What's that got to do with you?"
"Yeah, well… You don't get that option," he says, keeping the conversation progressive, "What's the one they gave you?"
Silence.
Oh. Gohan clearly doesn't want to say it for some reason. Trying to coax it out of him, Goku pats his head with a clammy hand. Gohan always did like that as a boy. Well, not the clammy bit.
"I'm an adult."
"I know that. You're also the older one so maybe you should be spoiling me."
Goku feels the fabric move along his shoulders, indicating begrudged amusement.
But the mood changes and the smile dies like the final firefly of summer. Gohan releases a long held sigh. "Look…" he eventually gets out, "I'm… I'm not sorry."
Goku would laugh if it wasn't so serious. "About the reincarnation?"
"Not that."
"The wish?"
"Yes, the wish."
"Yeah, well, I kind of assumed you weren't after I heard you talk about it at the hearing."
Of course, the Supreme Kai had warned them. He'd been certain Gohan had made a wish of some capacity and now they're facing that reality. Honestly, Goku doesn't know how to feel about it. After the big fight and after he'd been healed up, he'd remained cautiously optimistic when he was able to still sense the ki around them. The sun rose on another day with energy enriching their lives, and in Goku's mind; Gohan had either failed or forwent the wish entirely.
Well, apparently not. Revelation still looms above like a raincloud. Undeniably, it's bittersweet. Because whilst on one hand Goku gets to retain his own energy he also knows that one day the universe will be without it.
Yet Gohan had obviously wanted so much more. He'd been manic with such wild, unhinged desire to bring his Revelation into fruition, so what changed? Goku doesn't get it. What happened in Gohan's mind in those final moments before the wish?
Gohan draws back into a tired sequence of steps.
No, right now isn't the time to pry.
When Gohan takes a seat on one of the uncomfortable chairs by his gold tank-thing, Goku follows, waiting for the disastrous reveal of the hearing. After a few minutes his patience is rewarded.
"They're delaying."
"Eh? Delaying? You don't have to go back in the goo, do you?"
"No, I don't."
"Good, but delaying until when? Are they keeping you here or will they let you go to the Realm of t—?"
"Earth."
Goku blinks. "Ah?"
Gohan's brow furrows into a knot and he rubs at it, annoyed. "Earth," he repeats, "Indeterminately until they decide my next hearing. They want me to wait there and…" There's a hitch of breath. "I don't know? Exist? I don't know what they want… No, I do. Actually, I know exactly what they want…"
He slaps at his temples and for a moment Goku's worried that Gohan's going to have another episode. But he doesn't. It's just frustration. For a long time, Gohan stares forward, saying nothing, hands still either side of his head as though it might tumble free from his neck should he move them.
"Gohan… Why are you…? This is great. Think about it. You can come home. We can go home. I never thought in a million years…" He shakes his head, incredulous. "I know we'll have to come back here again and all, but letting you return to Earth must be a good sign all around, they wouldn't do that if they planned on exe— eh, what is it?"
Contrary to Goku's feelings, Gohan looks devastated at this news.
"Gohan?"
"There's no duty for the soldier at the end of his war, except…" Gohan clears his throat. "The war never ends."
"Eh? I don't understand. There's a war?"
"No… Yes… I don't know…"
He sits, eyes unfocused, burdened.
"Gohan, you don't have to worry—"
"Yes, I do."
"No, you don't. We can go to Earth—"
"Fuck Earth," Gohan breathes out, "There's nothing left for me—"
"Your family, your friends—" There's a nasty sound of dismissal, testing even Goku's patience. "Gohan," he reproaches, "After everything, how can you be so ungrateful for the opportunity to return home? It's a chance to find some happiness after everything. I know it's gotta' be tough for you now and it's gonna' be that way for a while, especially after losing Quell, but all this is survivable. I promise. It'll get better. It has to."
A sad laugh splutters.
Goku grapples for hope. "You never know. Maybe on Earth you can actually rest a bit, and don't pretend you hated it there because I know otherwise. It's home." He wrings his hands together, looking for the words. "Gohan… When you died, the only thing that made things easier for me was time—"
"Time," he scoffs, "I don't want time. I don't want to rest. I don't want any of this. The only person I want right now isn't here, and he's gone because of me."
"No. He's gone because of Haed."
Gold eyes flash reflexively. "By the Almighty, I wish that bastard was here. I wish I could rip him apart all over ag—"
"No, you don't."
"I really do."
"This isn't you."
Gohan's face is a nasty treat. "I wanted you dead," he sneers, "But not until I'd had my fill. Back in Hell, I wanted to choke the life out of you and do it over and over again until—"
"Shut up. I don't care about that, and I don't care what you call yourself these days 'cause I recognize Gohan Son – my son – when I see him, and my son doesn't salivate over killing people, even if he's hurting."
"I enjoyed it. I would have enjoyed killing you, too. And Goten, probably. All of them. Anyone."
"Don't do this to yourself. You're not a monster."
"Honestly… Haed; I'd kill him again right here, right—"
"Gohan."
"No. You don't get to do this. You made me do it – don't think I don't remember that. You wanted me to—!"
"I had no choice!" Goku attests, "It was wrong but I don't regret it."
"Then let me feel this hatred!"
Goku stares as the toxicity poisons his son and Gohan stares in turn, the fury lapping at him in irregular waves. "He killed Quell," he then says in a small voice, "Now, fuck—"
"I know."
Gohan's steel crumples, his shoulders collapse inwards and a holding silence is pierced with a sob.
"Quell... I… I can't do this without him. He's always been the one… You can't understand the Connection, the bond we had together and to the Almighty… And now, with the other gods and the Kai... I… Quell always knew exactly what— He would know—"
There's a groan, and indecipherable foreign muttering that stretches out until Gohan suddenly stops. He's lost, Goku recognizes. He may have won the war but he's very, very lost now.
"Dad…" he breathes out as though he's not seen him in years.
Stupid, Goku can only stare back.
Gohan is the first to turn away, reminding Goku of when he'd been young, shy and unequipped to deal with his own sadness. There's something broken about him now. Listless.
Goku leans his head against the wall with a decisive thunk.
"Quell'd want you to overcome this," he says, at least knowing that much, "I'm sure it's gotta' be raw for you right now but it'll get easier, son. Honest. Being home'll do you good, I think. A bit of fresh mountain air. Good food. Good company."
"Quell wouldn't want me on Earth."
"Ah. Well, yeah… That's probably true but it's still better than the alternative, right?"
Silence speaks volumes.
"Well, I wouldn't have let them hurt you even if they tried anyway," Goku says to fill the void.
Emptily, Gohan laughs at that. "Rixas said the same thing."
"He's a good guy."
"He's insufferable."
"Noh-uh. No way. Rixas was a great master," Goku asserts, "He trained me in the Room of Spirit and Time and pushed me into reaching a true divine transformation."
"Mm…"
"He also taught me all of your weaknesses."
"That was hardly helpful."
"What do you mean?"
"It's not like you won."
A deep laugh uproots from Goku's belly, mostly from the shock.
"Yeah, well, that's 'cause you're super strong. Honest!"
"Mm…"
"Seriously, you were incredible… terrifying but so, so incredible." Goku doesn't mean to gush but now that door has been opened he refuses to close it. "When you got out the Z Sword I was like 'whoa'! Like, I had no idea you could do any of that! Then the kyoketsu-shoge came out and I was so totally shocked you even remembered it! You were like 'whoosh' this way and then 'whoosh' that way – do you remember? – and I wore a brave face at the time, but man, I was actually kinda' worried you were gonna' cut me bad. You did get me with the Z Sword though, look." Goku proudly displays the small scar on his chin. "And Khlōros!" There's a moment of appreciation. "What a finisher! To think I survived that to tell the tale, huh? Thank God I had Instant Transmission otherwise I'd have been a goner for sure. But those mines of yours, oh, and when you did the Kameha—"
"Dad—"
"Oooh. No wonder you didn't wanna' train on Earth. Even containing that much power must have – Ah, oooh! Back then on Earth, that's why your body was breaking and you were getting all them nose bleeds and stuff! I get it now! All this time, the divine energy must have—oommfff!"
The hand over his mouth moves only when Goku powers to zero.
"Too soon," he says simply.
"But I've been waiting for months."
"No."
"But—"
"I'm not repeating myself again. I don't want to talk about any of this."
Goku's lips purse.
Gohan's more annoyed than sad so Goku considers as much a win, though he does flick at Gohan's halo because he can, and also because scolding his son for disrespect seems to be a more complicated topic to broach than it should be. It's for the best to leave him alone for a little while to calm down, he decides.
An hour later, Goku's rewarded when Gohan feels comfortable enough to fall asleep in an awkward cluster of arms and legs sprawled across the chair, as though he hasn't slept enough already.
It's now that he's conked out that Goku allows himself to celebrate his joy.
It's unbelievable. Gohan is coming home. Mindful not to wake him, Goku punches the air. He's grinning ear to ear as he barely manages to restrain himself from opening up the window, shouting out and ringing the bells atop the building's pinnacle. This is better than the best case scenario! Goku's won.
It'll be fine in the end, he's sure Gohan will come around to the idea of it.
Oh, man. He'll have to get a futon, Goku realizes as he moves to the other room. Or at least another bed because Rixas uses Gohan's room when he stays on Earth. It's an enjoyable problem. He's happy to face such a burden.
"Wow. Talk about looking smug."
Goku jumps. "Oh, ah! T-Trunks! You're still here?"
"Yes." He shuts the door behind, looking about as moody as Gohan. "And you left me up there in the stands alone."
Oh, right. Now that Goku thinks about it, Trunks had been with him during the hearing. He'd totally forgotten.
"Whoops."
"And I just had to deal with Rixas' hot head for the forty-five minutes. So double thanks for that."
"Where is he?"
"Like I'd know."
"Aren't you his… er, what does he call it?"
"Don't say it."
"Oh, his squire! Aren't you his that?"
"I'm not his squire! I'm his Apprentice of the Guard!"
"Oh, right. Sure."
"He's such a pain."
Trunks likes to act like he's suffering but Goku can tell that he secretly likes training under Rixas. After (kind of) dying during the big fight, Trunks'd teleported straight to the estate and wandered the grounds until accosted by the workers. He must have been pretty scared, but he'd still waited for them, still believed in his friends to fix everything.
Goku and Vegeta had returned to the estate the moment they'd healed and it'd been a bit of a rollercoaster to say the least. He got to witness the royal waterworks at the subsequent reunion, and then was forced to promise both Vegeta and Trunks to never mention the incident for however long he should so live. But man, Goku doesn't get it. It'd been super sweet. Why are they both so embarrassed over the fact they love each other? Goten and Gohan aren't shy about dishing out hugs.
Even Rixas bear hugged Trunks as soon as he saw him.
"I'll take responsibility!"
"Get offa' me! Don't be a weirdo!"
And true to word, Rixas has done well by him. Trunks isn't pressured to do anything he doesn't want to, and he still gets to stay on Earth until he's properly grown up so that's good. Though Trunks isn't happy that he has to finish his schooling, as evidenced by him glaring over the homework Bulma'd forced him to bring along today. He'd been determined to come to the hearing, to face Gohan too even though he refuses to admit that bit. Rixas had been only the third gatekeeper blocking his way however; first, he'd needed the approval of both Bulma and Vegeta to attend, with the latter only allowing it after Trunks had begged for the better part of a month.
"What?" Trunks snaps over his school booklet. "Why are you staring?"
"It's nothin'."
The teenager stretches out like a starfish across the chairs. "I wish Goten was here," he complains, "If I'd known half of this would just be hanging around and dealing with that man child then I wouldn't have bothered coming."
"Ah, well…" Goku scratches at the back of his head. "Chi-Chi said no. What more can I do?"
"I guess it's not like he won't get to see Gohan again anyway." He gestures his pen forward. "Rixas told me the good news."
"Ehh, why say it like that?"
"I heard Gohan's livid."
"He'll warm up to the idea."
"If you say so. Where is he anyway?"
"Asleep in the other room."
"Business as usual then."
Goku watches Trunks colour in the margins of his homework for a while until he becomes bored enough to check on Gohan again. With him still dead to the world he leaves Trunks in charge and heads out, deciding that the best course of action would be to track down Rixas or the Supreme Kai to get an update on when they can go home. It's after looking around the central foyer, courtyard and some of the chambers that Goku ends up at a bit of a loss. So he goes for some air.
Goku's come to know his way around Geo a little over the last few months. Gohan'd been deposited here in some kind of special holding place so Goku's become somewhat of regular. The storing room had been a tiny, dusty space above a crypt which chilled Goku all the way to his bone on each visit. Apparently it was the safest place for Gohan, but that didn't stop Goku checking in at least once a week to make sure they hadn't beheaded him or something.
Goku treats himself to a pastry because he skipped lunch for the hearing. It's brown and gooey, shaped like a half moon and one of the ones Kibito had once recommended months ago during Goku's first ever visit.
Kibito…
So many people have died…
After everything, it's finally over. But for these people it's really over. They aren't coming back.
"I don't want to get through it," Gohan had earlier mumbled, "I want to not wake up the next time I close my eyes."
But Gohan lives and he'll continue to live. Goten lives. Selfishly, this is what's most important to Goku, more than anything.
What was it Gohan had once asked?
"Tell me, if you were to pick between your family and the lives of the entire universe, which would you choose?"
You, my family, Goku still insists, I won't let even you, Gohan, take that away from me.
The cruel, cutting gaze burns in his mind. "Your biggest fear isn't losing family," he'd derided. "Your biggest fear is being made weak."
What difference is there? A man without power is just that, but a man without his people – his family – is truly weak. Goku understands that after losing Gohan, after nearly losing Goten so many times, and after ruining his family with his obsessions. He should have been a better father, and most definitely a better husband. If Goku had lost his ki then he would have moved past it eventually, but if he lost his family? Well… how would he survive that? He understands Gohan's pain with losing Quell. But he's going to have to be strong because Goku'll never ever allow that to be the reason Gohan gives up.
Goku sighs, looking up and over the square. There aren't as many tourists today because of the snow. Still, a familiar thought returns as he watches these few people go about their day, taking their pictures, sampling foods, laughing through clouds of breath. Wouldn't it be nice if one day he could bring his sons, and maybe even Chi-Chi, here to explore the sights together?
Whilst that's not today, he remains hopeful.
Goku takes a bite of the pastry. Kibito'd been right. It's delicious.
Orange Star High School, Satan City, Earth
In the dim office in the heart of Satan City, a ball-point pen scratches its mark along a pink detention slip, only coming to a halt when the Principal looming above pinches at his brows.
"So, am I calling your mother or father this time, Mr Son?"
"My dad's outta' town so it's my mum, I guess…"
"This is the third report against you this week, and here I thought we were turning a corner with you," the Principal says, reaching for the phone. "Honestly."
Goten mumbles through the corner of a frown, eying the Principal with enormous distaste as he brings the receiver against his now bulbous cheek. The winter holiday has made quite the porker out of him, helping hasten the dampening patches beneath his armpits in this sauna of an office. It may be the tail end of winter outside but this blistering prison Goten's found himself in once more has him dabbing at his forehead with the collar of his shirt. Who the hell cranks the heating up this high?
As such, sweating is confused for anxiety. "Perhaps you wouldn't have to be so worried if you hadn't tried to sneak off of the school's premises again. Your grades are looking better but that doesn't mean you can – ah, hello, Mrs Son? Yes, this is Principal Wargrove. Yes, yes. He's tried to – that's right – all right. Mmm, I see…"
Goten picks at the flaying wood of the desk.
"Oh," the Principal gushes after a moment, sourness completely sweetened. That means only one thing… "I'll keep Goten here until Miss Satan arrives. That's no problem at all. Thank you. I'll pass the reports onto her."
Goten smiles when the line goes dead. "Maybe she'll sign your ledger when she gets here."
"Maybe you should keep your opinions to yourself and reflect on your disrespect," he says, though the Principal now watches the door in hopeful anticipation.
Videl takes barely twenty minutes to arrive, angrily clip-clopping into the office in those ridiculously high heels of hers and looking like she might actually use them to bludgeon Goten with, especially when the Principal does in fact whip out his ledger.
"I don't know what they expected," Goten complains, waving his slip as they descend the school steps, "Dad, Trunks and Rixas are up there somewhere doing who knows what at the hearing whilst I'm stuck here."
"I know, I know," Videl sympathises, and then opens the jet-copter's door, "Now get in because I'm on a tight schedule. I need to pick up my dress."
"Dress?"
"My wedding dress."
"I'm not going to a bridal shop with you!"
"Well, you should've thought about that before trying to play hookie! I don't have all day. Now get in the jet-copter or I'll call your mother and tell her what a little shit you're being. How'd you like that?"
Goten gives her the finger and does as told. He sits on something squishy. "Eugh? What's that?"
"They were my cake samples."
The engine roars to life. He unearths the flattened cream cakes, tasting the frosting. It's not even that good anyway. "So, is this my punishment? My mum got me to do your bride chores with you?"
"Would you rather be stuck at school?"
Mouth filled with buttercream, Goten scoffs around it. "Obviously not. The Principal caught me trying to sneak to Dad's. This one's not bad. Wanna' try it?"
They feast on the cakes as they course over the city. It's a grey day filled with city smog and icy blusters which gales beneath them. Below, bundled pedestrians pass by in depressive clumps, going about their day in their normal, boring fashion as Goten feels himself drown alongside them. Only now, he's from such a vantage point that he knows that it's happening.
As the months dragged by, Goten had felt himself melt back into his own life. He attends school, he does his school work, he sometimes gets to see his dad and Trunks when they're not busy with important divine stuff; really, he goes through the motions of a normal teenage boy looking to survive high school.
Goten pauses, cake to his lips.
Of course, Trunks is doing so much more now. He's with Rixas a lot, training and learning and experiencing so many things Goten himself had wanted to; it'd only cost Trunks his life for it.
How strange it is that the worst moment of your life can suddenly evolve into the best? Goten remembers reuniting with his best friend after the battle after thinking him gone. He remembers hugging Trunks and crying pools of snot into his chest, holding him there until the idiot got over his own stubbornness and hugged him back.
Trunks gets adventures now (even though he didn't want them) and Goten gets… well, nothing.
A hand squeezes his shoulder and he resumes chewing, not tasting the sugar at all.
Why is so much still the same as before? How, after everything, can everyone else go back to normal? What is normal? Fighting and fire? School? People dying? People working? Why is life continuing when everything changed? Nobody knows, he'd realized one sleepless night, nobody realizes the monstrosities that happened in the deep, evil hole which is Hell. Goten sees the people who will never have the chance for change. At least once a week, Eyrelle dies in an explosion of blood as a blackened blade pops her like a balloon. He watches it behind his lids. Sometimes she's joined by Kibito, the captain or the doctors from the Spire. Even Quell pays him a visit in a gory rendition of a death Goten never witnessed.
Worst of all is the sleep paralysis. It imprisons him as night after night he watches his brother butcher their father with the Z Sword, ripping the blade through each continuous nightmare until Goten wakes up in an icy puddle of sweat. He'd once embarrassingly wet the bed and spent the rest of the morning washing the duvet in the bathtub, hoping not to wake anyone else at Fire Mountain. That'd been the same day he'd accepted the therapist. Bulma'd been trying to impose one on him for the better half of a month and after that he took her up on it.
"Trunks sees him too," she'd said one late Saturday night. He'd been staying over to keep Trunks company; moral support in case something went wrong with Vegeta's revival consultation. "There's no shame in talking to a professional, Goten."
He'd accepted, forgetting he'd done as much when Vegeta had emerged through Capsule Corporation's doors with dad at his side. He'd not been wearing his halo.
Bulma had wept from relief, running to Vegeta without shame and hugging him until he turned cherry red. Trunks hadn't held himself back either and launched himself upwards, cheering and swinging Bulla around as though he was half his age.
"There's a catch," Dad had said.
"My husband is a hero," Bulma had sneered at him, "There should be no catch. He should be allowed home to return to his family and not in Hell—"
"Well, he got promoted to Otherworld—"
"That's not the point! What the hell is this catch, Vegeta? Y-You're not going to go… like Trunks when—?"
"Beerus has taken an interest in me," Vegeta had said, holding her at arm's length, "He wishes to continue our training once my time on Earth has come to an end. That is our deal."
"So you are going to leave me!"
It'd taken some time to calm Bulma and for Vegeta to explain that Beerus' sponsorship of life will lead to an apprenticeship only after his death, and that he's not going anywhere for a long, long time. Dad had been pleased with the outcome, even remarking that Trunks and Vegeta will probably be working together at some point in the distant future.
It's good that they have something to work towards.
Goten is happy that Trunks is so much stronger, that he's involved, that he'll get to be useful in the future whilst everything goes on as normal on Earth – even if Trunks had never wanted any of this before.
Yes. That's right. Now Goten can focus on things in his own life like… school and art and…
And then what?
He has nothing.
How can he compare his life to theirs? Dad is the strongest person alive. Trunks and Vegeta are going to do great things with all the gods, and Gohan… Well, Gohan…
A pellet of rain smacks against the windscreen, startling him.
Goten watches as the heavens open. "What do you think will happen in the end?"
"In the end?"
"Yeah."
"Uh, we'll go to Otherworld, right?"
"And after that?"
Videl's mouth closes. "Well," she says after a time, "I'll face that bit when the time comes."
"Dying once you're already dead means you become nothing."
She doesn't say anything, lowering the jet-copter as to park but still nonetheless listening.
"When I die I'll go to Otherworld… but… if Gohan dies after this hearing then where will he go? He's already dead. I… I won't see him again and the last thing… the last thing I did to him before it was all over was deceive him again." He wants to cry but his eyes remain dry, his throat unforgiving. "I wanted to go today but even after everything – even helping bring down Gohan – nobody trusts me enough to let me attend the hearing."
"Goten…"
"I've seen everything else, all the death and the fighting and the crap, but they won't let me see a damn hearing."
"Don't be such a masochist," Videl jokes weakly, "Don't you think that you've put yourself through enough as it is? Would you really want to watch Gohan get sent down if it came to it?"
"Like you don't wanna' be there too."
She laughs even though it's not funny. The engine is turned off and they sit there as the rain washes over the jet-copter. "They're worried about you," Videl says after a turn, "Your mum asked me to keep you busy after your attempted prison break today—"
"Heh, I knew it."
"And the other day, your dad even got a phone to message me, asking for me to look out for you. They're worried, Goten. I'm worried too, actually."
Goten appreciates it. He accepts it when the fingers thread through his own, remembering how, months ago, he would have done anything to hold her hand. He smirks, looking down at her chewed nails, and wonders what other joys are going to be stripped from him. "You all scared I'm gonna' go off the deep end like Gohan?"
There's a snort. "Say what you want about Gohan but at least he used his crazy to try and do something productive."
He eventually does laugh, coughing away dogged tears. "Well, going crazy with power seems more fun than going crazy without. I'll have to ask Gohan about it if I get to see him—"
"When you get to see him."
"When?"
"Yes."
"You really think so? That the kais will let him off?"
"Oh, yes." She sniffs, bringing up her other hand to wipe at her own eyes. "That jerk isn't going anywhere until I lump him one for lying to me. I'll go to the Almighty Realm myself if I have to. I'll drag his ass home to Earth. I refuse to believe that this is the end for Gohan Son after all the shit he's done, good or bad."
Of course, Videl turns out to be right in the end.
Hours later, after hours of accompanying Videl with her awful wedding chores and meeting Haruto for coffee (who Goten begrudgingly has come to not hate… as much), Goten experiences the shock of several energies appearing on Earth all at once. Immediately, he flies at speed; cutting through the rain until the rolling landscapes slow his flight path with sleet and sheets of sharp wind.
Yes, it's much brisker here. The March bite has 439 Mountain Area sheath itself in a fine layer of virgin frost and Goten takes satisfaction when it crunches underfoot, each jogged step a shout within a sea of whispers throughout the forest. He stops when the house comes into focus, chimney spewing smoke.
It's true.
They're back.
Goten swallows the breath he'd been holding and crunches his way along in journey of the front door. He opens it, kicks his trainers off and momentarily appreciates the pleasant aroma of home cooking circulating the hallway. That means Rixas is here, if his mammoth ki wasn't enough a giveaway already. There's another familiar energy reading here too, one which feels unhappily muted as it hides away in the second bedroom.
Goten lingers at the stairs. From crunching to creaking, his foot dares a step.
There's a clunk against his head.
Wooden spoon lowering, Rixas raise a brow. "Stew?"
It's an illusion of choice and Goten's gestured into the kitchen and away from – God – from Gohan. Gohan. Gohan who's upstairs. Gohan who's on Earth and back in his bedroom like he'd never even freaking left.
Dad's eyes are glossy with joy when he turns to greet him. He's grinning – vibrating, really – which is enough to tell Goten that Gohan's going to be occupying the bedroom upstairs for longer than a day or two. Sitting opposite, the Supreme Kai looks more reserved on the matter but still manages to spare an optimistic sort of smile.
Goten doesn't buy it. "He's here? They're really just letting him go?" he demands, depositing his school bag by the door. "There's just no way."
"Of course it is more complicated than that," the Supreme Kai replies, "Gohan will need to return in due time once the Council have more documentation on his case. He's being strictly monitored and is under the influence of a flesh ward. Tomorrow, Whis will visit and reinstate a moral vessel for — Oh, thank you, Rixas."
A cup of tea clinks on the table in front of him. Above, Rixas notices Goten chew on his mounting questions. "A flesh ward subdues power," he tells him first, "Think of it like a barrier that inhibits energy."
"But it won't subdue all of it," Dad excitedly adds. "Barely half, right? That's what you said, Shin."
"Yes. Barely half," the Supreme Kai agrees grimly. "Gohan's power outclasses that of any Kai wizard…"
"Don't look so glum. I've got Gohan handled if anything goes wrong."
"Have you not learned anything, Goku? Gohan can carry himself on his wits alone."
"He won't do anything," Rixas says, back to them and now stirring his stew. When there's a crash from upstairs he automatically brings a lid atop the pan to catch the ceiling's dust. Another bang follows. "You can hear how unhappy he is. Mori knows he's lost this one. Does anyone mind if I add chillies?"
Dad scratches at the back of his head, his attention pointed upwards at the sound of crunching wood. "Look, I don't think you've got much to worry about. Gohan's not exactly thinking straight right now, is he? I doubt he'll be hatching any plots or anythin'."
"Right. It's when he's quiet you need to worry."
"Did you say he lost, Rixas?" Goten can barely hope. "Lost this one, right? So he didn't make the wish?" Immediately Rixas' expression darkens; the stew now a victim of aggressive spoon-work. "Oh, I knew it. He did make a wish, didn't he?"
Dad grimaces. "Yeah, but it's not so bad. We've got a good chunk of years before anything changes."
"A curious wish," the Supreme Kai mutters, "I would love to discuss it with him more in detail, alas…"
The ceiling shakes once more, leaving the three to saturate in silence.
There's a clink when a bowl is pushed in front of him.
Goten barely registers the stew set out in front of him. He can only stomach so much of Rixas' cooking anyway. Dad polishes off a good portion of the pot whilst the Supreme Kai eats none of it and drinks his tea mildly.
Wifely duties complete, Rixas sits and prods at the lump in his bowl, gold eyes as heavy as Goten has grown used to seeing, and now expressly distant as Dad updates Goten to the circumstances of the wish and of Gohan's impermanent residency on Earth. By the sounds of it, they'll be seeing more of Doctor Hezk now that she's going to be reporting on Gohan back to the Kai, which Gohan must surely hate. He understands as much. Goten can't help but resent Hezk a bit too after she sold out the hospital and the doctors there, and what's it gotten her in the end? A shackle to the very same guy she'd betrayed.
After dinner, Rixas urges Goten to leave Gohan alone, at least until Gohan approaches him. But Rixas says all this to him already knowing the order will go disobeyed, that the likelihood of Goten knocking at Gohan's door is more of an impending disaster than anything else.
So, with expectations like these what sort of person would Goten be to let him down?
Dad and Rixas move outside, taking alternative shifts in stoking the fire pit whilst chatting about things they don't want Goten to overhear, which is actually fine by him because he'd rather try his luck with Gohan anyway. The Supreme Kai finally goes around nine; only a short while after Goten calls his mum and tells her that he'll be staying at Dad's tonight. This finally leaves Goten alone with his opportunity to sneak upstairs under the guise of going to bed.
"Don't do it," Rixas says in lieu of goodnight.
Dad says nothing, a tiny smile present as he chucks another log on the fire.
It's certainly the happiest Goten has seen him in a long time. How wonderful it would be for Goten to bottle that joy up and take it for himself, to sip at it even now as his legs threaten to cave under the weight of the situation. Gohan's door draws closer.
On the other side of the wood it's silent. Goten wonders if he's sleeping. He remembers a similar situation all those months ago when Rixas had led him to Gohan's room at the estate; how nervous he'd been then, how even though Goten had thought he'd seen everything back then he'd in fact seen nothing.
"Gohan," Goten whispers to the crack in the door. He knocks lightly. "Are you awake?"
Outside, the crackling of the fire can be heard and nothing more.
He tries the door but it doesn't budge. It must be locked, which is interesting because the bedroom doors in this house don't lock. When he pushes the door once more it remains stubborn. There's only one thing in that room which would be strong enough to hold Goten back.
"…Gohan."
The reply comes directly from the other side. "Go away, Goten."
It's sweet relief. Hearing Gohan again after so long. He presses himself to the door, his heart lodging itself in his throat as he scrambles closer.
"Open the door, please."
Gohan does not.
"Please."
They've done this before too, back at the estate. Gohan had run away from their argument and Goten had banged at the door until he'd fallen asleep, dreaming of fires and doctors. He still dreams of fires and doctors, but now he also dreams of never seeing Gohan again, which only makes this all the more torturous by being divided by a mere two inches of wood. Goten slips down, back against the door, and takes in a deep breath as he stares out over the pitch black of the landing.
His own breathing comes out as a crackling, pitiful noise that lives in the back of this throat.
He's unsure of what to say. This is even harder than the first time back on the Lookout, back when Gohan had been lying to all of them.
So many memories. So much has happened in no time at all.
"I'll just talk then, I guess. You can join in if you want."
Silence, of course.
"It's not like you can avoid me forever… Dad says you're gonna' be here for a while," he tells the void. "That you're going to have another hearing or something in the future… That he doesn't think they're gonna' hurt you."
He rests his head back.
"I didn't think you were going to come back…"
Goten's fantasy had included Gohan being allowed to live in the Realm of the Almighty, and maybe if Goten was a good little mortal he'd be given visitation rights. But really, he'd assumed the worst possibility; that the Kai would be hungry enough to take vengeance and cause Rixas and their dad to revolt, bringing on yet another war.
"But Videl said you would, come back I mean," he continues, "Today, even… She said she wants to deck you for lying to her."
Goten envisions the memory he used to have of Gohan this time last year, the romanticized idealisation; the perfect father figure whose only crime was leaving Goten in the first place. He pretends to be talking to that ghost. To the figment of his imagination.
"So… she's getting married in May to that Haruto guy; I know you like him but I think he's a total poser, like some Ken doll with an agenda. Trunks says it's 'cause I'm – I don't know – threatened by him or something, but I don't like Videl that way… not anymore at least."
Oh.
It'd just slipped out.
Goten freezes, knees to his chin. Yet there's no reaction. No horror.
"But… but you stopped liking Videl a long time ago, right? Right?"
He rings his hands together. "I shouldn't be asking that. I'm sorry. I know you didn't choose to leave Earth." Still, he can't help himself. "But… if you stayed do you think you'd be the one marrying her? I mean… I don't know. Rixas says it wouldn't have ever happened but I'm not so sure. He says you were destined to return, whatever that means. But… What would have happened if you hadn't died?"
On the other side of the door, Goten hears shuffling but little else.
"Do you think Mum and Dad would have still been together?" Goten asks regardless. "They're divorcing; they won't tell me that but I saw the paperwork at Fire Mountain on Grandpa's desk. I think he's more heartbroken than Mum is about the whole thing." He swallows the lump in his throat. "They're scared of telling me because they think I'm on the edge already or something, but actually, I think this is for the best, for Mum mainly. Dad's never been… the best for her, has he? We've never been the best for her either…"
Mum refuses to talk about Gohan, and not in the way she'd used to avoid the topic; now there's a layer of hurt that flashes across her expression whenever Goten mentions him just to keep the name alive.
"I'm not sure how you'll fix things with her," Goten tells him brutally, "I think you broke something in her, like, something that I didn't know that could be broken, especially after everything I've put her through. Heh… It's horrible but now I can't help but wonder when she'll push me away next. She's already distanced herself from Dad and now from you and you're both better than me. When will she realize that I'm the same as you both?"
He breathes hard into his hands, pausing. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lay this one you. You're back for less than a day and I'm being a whiner again. There's other stuff though, good stuff like Vegeta coming back and Korin's Tower being rebuilt. Dende's back too, and he's not even mad at you. I think he'd want you to visit. And, uh, I'm doing better in school, though I got detention today for trying to sneak out early to learn about your hearing. I'm in the Printmaking Club now, which is good, and I'm thinking of opening commissions in the summer. Trunks is doing well too with his training, and… um, and…"
Goten reclines deeper into the door, unsure of what other positives he can think of right now.
"…And you're home." It's the most important, most best thing that could have happened. Now that Goten thinks of it, nothing better could have ever happened today. "Please open the door, Gohan," he begs, overwhelmed by the proximity, "Talk to me, just a bit. Please. Gohan."
In the end, Goten falls asleep by the door once again, waking hours later in his own bed with the smell of a bonfire lingering through his open window. Dad and Rixas are still outside, and they stay out there, talking into the early hours of the morning and calling it a night long before Goten manages to return to his slumber.
He knows full well who brought him here.
That next morning, Gohan's door pushes open without fight, revealing destruction; devastated furniture that looks like a panther might have been set upon it lies in unsymmetrical piles around the room. The once persevered memoriam is in itself dead.
Dad isn't up yet and Rixas is still snoring on the sofa. It's Saturday so Goten doesn't need to go to school, not that he would have gone today anyway. He washes his face, brushes his teeth and skips breakfast, choosing to hike up a hill Goten last ventured up four months ago.
When he reaches the unearthed grave he sees Gohan standing in its shadow.
Below his halo, his hair is still blond. Goten wonders if it's stuck like that because of the transformation or if it's because he's really turned into Mori, but whatever the case it washes him out. He looks sickly in the white of a dull morning. The gold of his eyes cannot possibly compare to Rixas' like it once had.
"The roots of a dead tree still hold water," Gohan murmurs in greeting. "The gardener must ply the roots before they are truly free of the rotten trunk."
Goten stops in front of the grave. "I was the gardener," he repeats after now hearing this so, so many times. Audience to the grave, it's hard not to recall how he'd assisted Kibito in unearthing his brother's bones. During the act he'd needed to pause to vomit, doing so only a few feet away from the very tree Gohan's now standing next to.
But Gohan has all his bones now. New ones. Godly bones that Goten weakened with the ritual.
"I should have destroyed the grave," Gohan says in a numb voice that sends shivers down Goten's spine. "When I was last here I'd planned on leaving it for you all, to grieve. It was supposed be a kindness yet it became an obstruction."
"Gohan…"
"Hindsight is revealing..." He turns to him, truly a ghost. "Kindness is not a weakness, I'd known as much, but I hadn't known it is a luxury, and one I became far too generous with. I afforded it to you especially, Goten, and you took it and turned it against me and each time it would work. It's impressive how easily you can manipulate me…"
Goten recollects buying time for their father to bring Gohan down back in Hell. He'd also stolen the dragon ball so very easily. There are other times, he's sure; other moments where his subconscious took over and willed Gohan to act accordingly by acting vulnerable.
"I'm sor—"
"No, you're not."
"I…" There's no point in lying. "No, I guess I'm not 'cause it helped stop you, but um, I didn't mean to hurt you."
Gohan scoffs, surprising Goten when he blasts the gravestone into rubble. "Well, at least I now know how Quell felt…" he reveals quietly, whatever that means. He pokes a toe through the debris. "And I wasn't stopped. I made the wish."
"You changed it in the end, though." Goten dares a step closer, crunching the grass underfoot, "Was that because of Vegeta?"
Gohan doesn't answer which is answer enough.
"You're giving us a chance, aren't you?" he wonders aloud. "Mortals, I mean. To fix the energy stuff ourselves."
"You don't have energy," Gohan points out with a cruel edge, "What do you have to protect?"
"It's not always about me!"
"Tch… 'could have fooled me."
Goten bites his tongue, remembering Rixas' warning him away from Gohan and now knowing why. "Don't be a jerk… I'm not the only one who did shady stuff."
Gohan actually laughs. "I told you not to become involved but you arrogantly chose to ignore me. What a waste of potential you are. What an idiot. And yet, despite your sacrifices you still don't know the half of the – what was it? – ah, shady situation. Let's not compare sins, Goten. You're just some kid."
"Then why are you being an asshole, if I'm just some kid?"
Gohan scoffs, kicking another rock.
"And why won't you even look at me?"
Gohan does and by doing so sends a thrill of discomfort right to Goten's core with his withered, haunted gaze. Goten forces himself hold it, struggling under the weight of gold.
"I just wanted my brother home…"
"With the exception of the idiot in that house right now, my brothers are dead."
Goten feels it, right in his chest. A stab.
"You don't mea—"
The gold turns away, its focus back on the deconstructed gravesite. "Go away, Goten. There's nothing else left to be said."
Toes to fingers tingling, Goten stands there with the wind stripped from his lungs.
"…Even though you're being like this," he eventually gets out, "I'm still happy you're home… just so you know."
Gohan is left to his own ugliness for the rest of Goten's time there, which isn't more than a few hours because the tension is suffocating enough to send him back to Fire Mountain. There, he tells Grandpa but not his mum that Gohan is back, expressly mentioning what a foul mood the asshole has returned with. They decide not to inform his mum until Gohan's simmered, just in case she should want to go see him, though Goten doubts that'll happen. Even Grandpa's usual optimism isn't enough to convince Goten otherwise and when he suggests visiting Gohan himself Goten has to dissuade him.
"He's rotten, Grandpa, don't bother."
Grandpa's confused as opposed to hurt. "Gohan's always loved me…"
But Gohan can't love, not right now.
His therapist attests to this when Goten mentions the altercation.
"Respect his boundaries," he instructs, "That's all you can do even for yourself otherwise you're asking for to be hurt."
He knows that but the alternative is simply living. How can he do just that? His brother is a god and Goten is now just a schoolboy.
"You're looking for purpose in your brother," the therapist tells him as though he couldn't have figured that out himself. "Try and focus on yourself for now. Goten, what makes you happy?"
His family, his friends, art…
"Painting is a wonderful outlet. Maybe you can focus on that for the time being."
Goten paints a lot these days anyway. Even his mum has come to appreciate his work, hanging a watercolour piece of their forest above the piano and gushing about it whenever a student points it out. He draws, inks, sketches and even uses a graphic tablet Bulma gave to him. So much of what he creates turns red however; the art sandy and devious and lingering with the wickedness of Goten's experiences. Even the corner pages of his homework are doodled as much.
Time drags on since Gohan's return, and it's in a monotone sequence of happenings that Goten tries to exist beyond what's going on at 439 Mountain Area. "Gohan will talk to him when he's ready so he should leave well enough alone", as advised when he reaches out to Videl (How rich coming from her).
So quickly does nearly two weeks come to pass.
It's ridiculous. How is Gohan not out of his mood? Why hasn't Dad dragged him to Fire Mountain to make amends?
It's at least not Goten's duty to tell Mum. Dad does in fact make a visit one rainy evening and sits her down; Goten listens in through the door as everything in its bare bones is revealed to her. She doesn't react much. There's no fainting. Smelling salts are not required.
She sips at her water, empty eyed.
"Please come see him. Please, Chi. You're his mum."
"Am I?"
"Yes."
"Then why would he—? How could he – to me – after –? I…" She stops, face impassive but so easily read if you know her well enough. "I think you should leave now, Goku."
"Chi-Chi!"
"Goku."
It's rare to see Dad angry, the effect made even more jarring when aimed at a woman, and at Mum at that. The way his jaw locks is unfamiliar, as though all the words have congested into a knot; it's not a fight he can punch his way out of which means it's not a fight he knows how to win.
"You don't get to choose when to be a parent."
"Perhaps you should remember that in regards to your second son," she replies icily, making Goten want to shrivel up and die.
"I'm trying," he returns with surprising heat. "Can you say the same?"
"Who do you think was there before you started trying?! Why do you think I'm so tired? Gohan chose to leave like you chose to leave, Goku—"
"So it's about me?"
"Well, it can never be about me! And heaven forbid it's about Goten!"
Goten desperately wants her to stop mentioning him. Please, no more.
"We're not doing this again, Chi-Chi," Dad says, scarily sounding like the voice of reason. "You know where to find us. Honestly, you wanna' know the weirdest bit? I'm scared for him. About all those things you said about him being depressed and stuff – well, that's the case now! I don't know what he'll do. He's talking funny and… he's not gettin' better."
Mum has the decency to cover her face, remaining still long after Dad returns to 439 Mountain Area.
When Goten tells his therapist of the conversation Goten's advised not to eavesdrop, and he'd love to adhere to that but nobody seems to want to tell him anything. What else is he to do? And really… Gohan's suicidal? That's not a surprise. Why bother hiding that?
At the end of his session, Goten asks his question.
"What do you think happens at the end?"
"It doesn't matter what I think. What do you think happens?"
He shrugs.
"Does that scare you?"
"I dunno'. I hate the idea of being alone more than anything, of not having my family…"
"But the divorce doesn't bother you?"
"Not really… Not after everything." Goten's faced death too many times to care about his parents' marriage certificate. "I just want us to stay together, like we were before Gohan left."
"Your parents were together then. If they divorce then it'll be different."
"I'd have Gohan. My mum and dad still love me."
"A picture torn up and glued back together does not make it the same as it once was. It would be changed."
"Damaged, you mean."
"It still could be beautiful so long as you stop trying to see it as what it once was."
Goten collages that week at school. His teacher looks at the makeshift art and gives him a B because even he thinks it's a crock of horse crap. Still, it's not a terrible Thursday even with double Maths. Videl collects him that day in order to shove him into a suit, slapping her Visa on the counter despite how much Goten gripes about having to wear one for the wedding. Trunks meets them later for a milkshake, oddly dreary.
"My mum's put me in for early finals," he announces, "She wants me to graduate before the year is out. All I'm doing these days is studying." He slurps double chocolate chip with fury. "I keep telling her that I'm not going to the Realm of the Almighty for ages but she won't have it."
Videl dares to ask the pressing questions. "Has she spoken to Gohan yet?"
"You mean attempted murder yet? No, thank God."
Bulma had been a bit of a mess after everything, even when Trunks had returned the next day it hadn't been enough to console her. She's still funny about it now actually, what with her making Trunks study for no good reason when he's not going to be attending university.
"Rixas is having me learn Celestianese as well," Trunks later complains, "He said he'll only bestow Lanit-Tongue after I get semi-fluent in that stupid Kai language first, and when Gohan agrees to it which will probably be never."
Hearing him complain about how exciting his life is has Goten tune out. He wonders if Trunks knows how shitty Gohan's feeling these days; that they've got him under suicide watch. Videl asks him as much later on the drive home and he doesn't bother lying to her.
"I'll go over this week," she says with foolhardy determination.
"Your funeral."
She parks near the gateway of Fire Mountain, grumpily signing the visitor book when one of the asshole guards takes offense to the jet-copter. It's funny, really. Had she simply walked into the courtyard instead of bidding him goodnight she would have had quite the surprise.
Gohan's stood in the winking moonlight, hands in pockets, and staring up at the looming spire of the castle. He's not in his godly clothes anymore, just some simple, unassuming sweats and a hoodie which must be new. Blond hair pokes out from under the hood.
"Do they know you're here?" Goten asks on approach. "Mum…? Grandpa?"
"No," Gohan replies.
"Does Dad know you're here?"
"No."
"Does Rix—?"
"Goten," he interrupts, golden eyes hazy. He doesn't look right. Dad's right. "Can I ask you something?"
By this point, Goten's words have deserted him.
"What do you think happens in the end?"
"I – What? Wait. What did you say?"
"In the end, what do you think happens?"
Goten could laugh. Is Gohan really asking this? Is this actually happening?
When a cluster of clouds swallow the moon Gohan turns to him in its darkness, revealing how little there is left behind the eyes. He could be a corpse or one of those First Ones; gaunt and grey and without a spark of life.
"Gohan… why are you asking that?"
There's no response. Gohan stares through him, expecting something Goten isn't sure he knows how to give.
"Nothing," Goten answers, "I think we become nothing."
There's a hum.
"Is that what happens? You'd know, right? You're Death. Why ask me?"
"Death isn't the end," Gohan says softly, "If it were than that'd be easier... After death you become ashes, after the end… who knows?"
"Ashes? That's basically nothing, like what I just said."
"It depends on how you look at ashes."
"It's just people dust that your family scatters after you've been cremated, blowing into the wind and all that. You fade away…"
Gohan smiles like he's pained. He doesn't agree but whatever's living on the tip of his tongue doesn't fly free.
"Gohan, are you going to kill yourself?"
Unlike when Gohan had hidden his letter, back just before the blizzard, there's no whimsy; he's tired and his expression is dangerously honest.
"I don't know."
Goten feels his voice crack. "Are you here to say goodbye?"
"I don't know…"
"Wh—?"
The castle's floodlights suddenly burst to life, turning the courtyard a milky white and blinding Goten in an instant. He shields his eyes.
"I wasn't meant to survive it anyway," Gohan tells him, unbothered. He ambles, scuffing his trainers along the gravel as he begins to make his way into the gardens. Of course Goten follows, rubbernecking to make sure the guards don't see them entering through the archway. They never do like him and Trunks sneaking in.
"Gohan—"
Gohan holds a hand up, halting him. "I'll go back now."
"Let's go inside and call Dad—"
"It's fine. I'll go back to the house."
What if he's lying? What if they find Gohan's body in a ditch somewhere after he stabs himself again? What if Mori takes over, or the Almighty – or, or—?
Goten wheezes. This can't happen again. Things just got back to normal and even though Goten hates it he completely forgot how much he hates this. His chest hurts. The dark seems even darker. Why is everything so crap? Why do things only get worse? Goten's trying his best! He's trying not to poison people with his toxicity. He's doing things. Therapy. Art. School. But it's all pointless!
In the end there's nothing so what's the point?
He cries hard.
The picture of his perfect family has been torn up and there's no glue, only fire. Ashes. Ashes which will float in the wind and become nothing.
Gohan watches him, unmoving.
He's already dead. Gohan died at seventeen like he'd told him, but Goten can't mourn because the ghost continues to haunt him and will eternally. There's no escape, not when Gohan represents everything that's both good and bad about his life.
"Ashes are like seeds," Gohan mumbles after a long stretch of Goten's pained sobs. "Whether you bury them or if they fly free they'll find somewhere to grow. They'll live. Death is a cycle, a circle."
"W-What?"
"The end is to not understand," he continues quietly, barely audible over Goten's breathing. "It's bigger than us, bigger than what we can comprehend. Even me."
Gohan admires the silhouette of a red spider lily that braches out from over the garden rail. He strokes its delicate petals. "After everything, Nothing sounds… nice."
Unable to bear it a second longer, he charges forward and squeezes Gohan around his chest, burying his face there and filling it with deep, echoing sobs. He refuses to move. Nobody can make him. He'd rather die than let go.
Goten's scared that the hand on his back is there to pull him away, but it doesn't.
"Don't go," Goten pleads. "Please."
Gohan's resolve breaks, almost audibly. The hand crushes into Goten's jacket and Gohan leans into him. He breathes hard, digging his chin into Goten's head fiercely.
"It never fails, does it?" he spits, almost angry.
Goten doesn't understand the insinuation until later, that Gohan was yet again calling out being manipulated. Instead he basks in his brother's comfort, terrified, crying. This is home. Goten doesn't care how broken it is, just that it's here.
"It'll be okay," Gohan mumbles into his hair. "Shh… I've got you, Squirt,"
Lies.
Yet Goten believes them because the alternative is nothing.
