"...safe passage through to our great mother," Mo'at preached, her words reaching all of us who had gathered for a funeral. Neytiri stood by Jake's side, resting her head on his shoulder while his hand gently held her waist. Together, they stood at the forefront of the colony, offering their condolences to the grieving family.
Meanwhile, I lingered at the back, folding my arms and letting my gaze wander towards the forest once more.
I'm so close,
I could do it,
I could run.
I could run back to Miles,
Make a break for it.
But I'm sure Jake would more than likely get to me before I ever make it to Miles. And I let out a sigh pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.
I wonder how he's doing? Does he miss me? Like i miss him?
I want to go home, but I'm scared to ask. Scared to remind Jake, of our deal. He has given me more freedom but, I'm still...a prisoner here. I still shackled to him.
I stepped toward the path that would lead me back to Miles.
Just go. Atleast you tried, if you die.
Atleast you tried to escape. But I can't seem to push myself forward. I'm too much of a coward and I wish I wasn't.
Jake's not stupid, he can tell exactly what I'm looking at, what direction that leads to. Back to Miles. Back to the man I'm in love with.
I always end up looking that way, every day. Hopeful to see him again. Jake watches as the sadness brushes over my face. Wanting to run to him again.
So dedicated to staring out into those trees, the way his jealousy began festered...how he felt a tinge of irritation at the very horizon, how it had my undivided attention. Every. Single. Day. Allowed to hold my gaze without any repercussions. Jake was even bothered by the wind that was allowed to touch my skin, or the music that could make me turn my head.
But more over he found it utterly impossible that it was Miles Quartich, that held my focus. He glances over at me, still looking out to him.
To have someone care so much like that, to go not even one day without looking back. Everyday i look for him, wait for him.
The deep seated hate that grew in Jake that day.
"You seem distracted," Tsu'tey tells him in a low tone, casually. "Like always."
Jake furrows his brows, slightly annoyed. "Do you really want to fight at a funeral?"
"You should be used to it," Tsu'tey shrugs, nonchalantly approaching Jake. "Instead of worrying about trivial things, why don't you focus on becoming a real man?"
This remark triggers Jake's anger, causing him to reach out and grab Tsu'tey by the throat, eliciting gasps from onlookers.
"Huh? Can't hear you anymore?" Jake taunts, mockingly. "Why don't you actually speak up like a real man?"
Tsu'tey tries to strike him, but Neytiri intervenes, preventing him from doing so. It's odd because, instead of scolding Tsu'tey for attacking Jake, Neytiri hisses at Jake, getting so close to his face that he releases his grip on Tsu'tey to avoid being bitten.
Or maybe because it's not like he would ever lay his actual hands on her. She was tiny compared to Jake who was twice her size and completely muscle toned.
"Go!" Neytiri shouts in front of everyone, and Jake doesn't protest he just simply walks away.
Why can't she ever stand up for him, just once?
Why does she always treat him like he's the problem?
I observe as Jake flies away, while the murmurs of the crowd fill the air.
"Well that is his kind"
"Just human"
"I can't believe he would actually try this of all days"
"Maybe it's for the best"
"There he goes again" a woman next to me mutters as I look over at her, "God, Omatikaya truly went down after Eytukan."
I didn't respond,
Mainly because I've become so...defensive of Jake. Pandora hated him just as much as Earth and out of two worlds the last person he had was a friend.
I looked back at the forest.
This was a perfect chance.
I could...actually just leave now.
He's not here and who knows when I'll have another chance.
And yet...
I stay.
Because if anything, I felt like...Jake needed me more than Miles.
At least for now.
——————
"One day!" Neytiri exclaimed, her voice filled with frustration. "I just wanted one day of peace! Why can't you understand that?!" She scolded Jake from the balcony, where they both stood.
He had sitting on their bench, as she walks back and forth. I sat there quietly while Tsu'tey sat at the table, casually peeling fruit.
"This is normal," Tsu'tey reassured me, sensing my confusion. I turned to face him. Tsu'tey wasn't a bad person, just pessimistic. He was like Lyle...loyal to a fault. But I have no place to talk on his issues.
"Do you think he deserves this?" I asked, my voice softer now amidst all the yelling. It was hard to find any other tone in that moment.
Tsu'tey looks over at me and lowers his face into a scowl.
"He needs to repent for his actions. It's the least he can do," Tsu'tey said in Na'Vi. "If he truly wants to be one of us, he must endure. After all those deaths, being bitched at is the least he can handle."
"What is sufficient for you then?"
"What?"
"What do you think is enough suffering?" I asked and he's taken back. Perhaps because I choose to question him.
"Tell me, if you lost your father-in-law, your family, your friends, all for a fake cause. All to push this human forward? What would you do? What would you feel?" He threw back at me. "You defend a man you know nothing about."
And maybe that's true.
"I..." I started, dropping my eyes.
"Neytiri," Jake called as he reached for her arm, but she snatched it back turning to hiss at him.
"I know he's trying," I said to Tsu'tey. He shakes his head, refusing to give in to my words. But I wasn't expecting him to just magically turn around and get along with Jake.
Neytiri walks away from the home, and Tsu'tey tries to reach for her, but she pushes him away.
"Neytiri!" Tsu'tey calls out as he rushes out of the home. He knew that if anyone could truly comprehend her pain, it was him, as he too had suffered the loss of his own people.
And I realize if I wasn't here, Jake would be alone.
Sitting there alone,
Dealing with this all alone.
The silence felt so thick, as I turn to look back at him.
He couldn't never do anything right,
He save the people, protected the colony, but all they focus on is the ones that didn't make it.
"Jake?" I called out, standing by the door.
"Leave me alone," he said already annoyed by hearing my voice. His back turned towards me. I should have heeded his warning, but that nagging guilt wouldn't go away.
"Are you okay?"
"I said leave."
And I step closer only for him to stand up angrily.
"Leave!" he growled, his voice so loud it felt like the entire balcony was shaking. "I don't need your damn pity! I'm not some fucking helpless kid, I can deal with my own shit. So just go!"
Because when Jake looks at me I was a reminder of how much more alone he was. Golden eyes filled with so much...hate.
I don't know what I was thinking,
"Vera, leave!" he warns again, his voice filled with so much anger, as I take a step towards him. "VE..." he shouts, his voice growing louder, but before he can finish, I reach out and embrace him.
I can feel Jake's entire body tense up, and I notice his heart rate increasing. His breathing becomes erratic, and he trembles. It's clear that he's struggling not to give in,
Not to cross this boundary between us.
But despite his internal battle,
Jake wraps his arms around me and collapses into my embrace. His weight is so heavy that my own legs give way, but I hold on tight. It's as if I'm the only thing preventing him from completely falling apart.
And then, I feel those hot tears hit my skin as his head falls on my shoulders. He was in so much pain that I even felt myself wanting to cry.
In response, I held him even closer as he gently pulled me onto his lap. My legs wrapped around his side, allowing him to release all the emotions he had been keeping inside.
The feelings he couldn't openly express.
Letting him be vulnerable.
"It's ok," I whispered softly into his ear, reassuring him. "I'm here"
Here. I was here. For him. Those words are so simple yet they resonate in Jake's soul. He held me tightly with one arm around my waist, while his other arm reached across, securing itself around the back of my neck as his fingers tangled in my hair.
I'm not sure how long we stayed in that position, but eventually, I fell asleep in his comforting embrace.
When I woke up, I found myself in bed, covered with blankets. Neytiri, sleeping beside me. Not even knowing if that was real or not.
Jake goes days avoiding me, but I don't blame him, I really wouldn't know how to bring it up either.
He struggles with doing the right thing, and he knows if there is anything for sure. That looking too long at me was not the right thing.
Jake spends most of the time with Tsu'tey working on the rebuild while Neytiri is aiding her mother in Tsahik duties.
And as I walk to aid the others, I stop for a second. To stare out at the forest.
"I promise I'm not forgetting you" I mumbled more to my self but never realizing how hyper sensitive Jake's ears were especially to his mate. Or well...mate lookalike? "I love you"
I wonder how much effect this mate serum actually does have, because with Miles. It was almost instant, that protective nature kicked in. To the point where he had to fight it off, little things like dust flicking on me made him aggravated.
While Jake seemingly walks around Omatikaya never needing to look my way. We never bring up that night, ever, and maybe that's for the better.
We keep our eyes diverted from each other and never stand too close to each other. Least to cause anymore problems.
Yet...
There will be small little moment that remind me that...there is a difference side of Jake. He stands in front of for a ceremony with Neytiri in front of him.
How symbolic...i will always be behind her.
My eyes trail off to the forest again and I let out a sigh, thinking I was being quiet as Mo'at preaches. But his ears perk to my tone. He keeps his head forward but his eyes glance back. Seeing me staring at the forest again.
Jake can see that being away from Miles is taking a toll on me and maybe because I was there for them, he vowed to be there for me.
I was the only exception,
The only valid exception.
So Jake puts both his hand behind his back towards me, and I turn my head to look down at them. As he leaves them flat and opened.
Jake didn't need to speak,
Or demand affection,
But in a sense if I was in need of someone right now,
Come to him.
So I gently reached down to clasp his and Jake closes his strong fingers around mine. Warm and callused. Like Miles. As I dropped my forehead down in the middle of his back, feeling tears begin to fall as I tried not to draw attention.
Jake rubs his thumbs over my fingers as he leans his head back on mine. Soothing my aching chest like I did for him.
It was just me, that he would do this for. It was justified, I helped him.
He was just helping me.
We were not doing anything.
We clearly loved to different people.
It was fine.
It was...fine.
———————
"Hi" I say walking out to the balcony. Jake was already there waiting for me, like always.
It seems like two things have become habit for me. Looking out the horizon every morning for Miles and ending every night on this balcony, with Jake.
"Hey" he greets quietly. There is silence for a moment, as we stand there next to each other.
Never wanting to push past that boundary.
His pinky runs over my wrist, maybe to play it off brush of skin, as we both looked out at those stars again.
"It's pretty tonight?" I started smiling at Jake.
"Always" he responds "Are you cold?" He offers holding his blanket open to me.
We were always meant to be nothing.
We both knew that.
And yet,
"Gotta share, you know', with material, being scarce and all" he teases as I laugh. Jake slowly pulls me closer until I'm wrapped in his arms underneath the sheets.
Pack up and leave everything
Don't you see what I can bring?
Can't keep this beating heart at bay
Set my midnight sorrow free
I will give you all of me
Just leave your lover, leave him for me
Leave your lover, leave him for me
"You know you're kind of like chocolate" I whispered and he chuckled a bit. "Chocolate cake"
"Why?" he asks, in the same tone. Playful, loving, but quiet.
"Because it feels like comfort" I admitted as his hands find mine, intertwining our fingers. "Like home"
"I think that's you" he admits then there is silence again. "I've never felt more at peace then I do, in these past few months"
And I lay my head back on his chest and turn my head up to look up at him.
"You did that on your own" I remarked wagging my finger up at him. And with his free hand he runs it over my face.
Jake leans down dropping his head on mine. We were mere inches from each other.
As he fights himself to take the leap.
He hates how he can be this close, and yet...i will always be so far from his grasps. He could never have me like he wanted.
So all he has are my eyes under this moonlight sky, Knowing he has completely drowned himself in these moments and...will never be able to swim back up.
Slowly letting all the oxygen escape his lungs,
Letting me kill him,
And never regretting a second of it.
He had fallen for me.
"It's...so unfair" He whispers softly "Why didn't I meet you first?"
And I wonder if he referred to Miles or Neytiri.
"I'll deny this tomorrow," He starts "but if there was ever a man I wanted to be, it would be the one who gets to look at you for the rest of their life"
"Jake" I let out gazing up into his golden eyes.
"I've never wished...to be him...as much as now" he whispers "Just to know what it feels like to have someone so sure about you. Even for a second."
Nights like this, where it was just us. Nothing else.
Things felt more clear.
And he leans down lower, my heart was racing as the hand that was on my face move to my jawline, turning me toward him.
Edging closer,
If we pushed this line,
If we crossed this boundary, there was no turning back
This would be real now.
We would be...real.
"Are you going to slap me?" He asked quietly and I laugh.
"Maybe" I whisper as his lips were hovering over mine, he grins one last time.
"I better make it worth it then" Jake replies pressing his lips on mine. Soft and gentle. As I slowly moved against his mouth. His massive hands clutch my face, tilting me to deepen the kiss and I open my mouth more to let his tongue play with my own.
I break away from his lips when I feel his hands cup one of my breast from underneath. Jake takes his moment to lean down to bite on the soft skin right below my ear.
"Mine" He whispers into my ear as I arch my back towards his touch.
We were nothing,
We always knew we were just nothing,
And yet,
"All mine"
There will never be anything between us.
He was getting married.
And I was just...this experiment. The only reason he even says these things is because of that mate serum. It was my job to be this...thing for him.
Jake pulls away from me, knowing if he pushed anymore, he would never stop.
"Good night Vera" he whispers, dropping one more kiss.
"Good night, don't have too many wet dreams about me" I teased unknowingly letting it slip out and he chuckles.
As he's had too many to even count anymore.
"No promises"
It's not real. I need to get it together.
——————
I feel lost.
"Morning, baby." Jake greets kissing Neytiri. Today must be a good day because she's happy as I sit in the corner drinking tea. The blanket from last night that we left on the sofa, now wrapped around my body.
Not ever wanting to turn my head to look over at them.
It's either making me feel weird or making me miss Miles even more. Regardless the emotions that are beginning to set in aren't good for me.
"Hey, wanna escape for a bit? Maybe a weekend getaway?" Neytiri suggests, catching Jake off guard.
"Where do you have in mind?" he asks, a bit puzzled.
"How about the hot springs near Hallelujah? Just the two of us," she says playfully, and of course, he couldn't refuse.
She was always his top choice, while I was just... the backup plan.
As she whispers something seductive in his ear, he can't help but grip her hips tightly. The sound of her pleasure makes me want to gag.
God, I am now turning into that type of girl...
He lets out a chuckle a bit, needing her attention more than ever. I tried to be still as to not let this bother me. I mean all Jake wanted from the very beginning was his marriage fixed anyways.
As the morning of their weekend getaway approached, Jake does look over at me but i was focused on the forest again. He wants to say something but thinks this was always going to be our reality.
Two separate worlds.
I loved him. Miles, not Jake.
It will always be Miles.
He needed to stop before he got too deep into this. It was already bad that we spent almost every single night together.
Worse that we had a taste of the other side.
And yet, he drops his hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, but I don't turn to look at him. I couldn't, while he was hoping I gave him one look.
Because he's gone these past few days without his dose of me and the absence is weighing.
"Are you going to be ok by yourself?" He asks me
"Tsu'tey will be here" I answer keeping my eyes diverted
"Yeah," he mutters trying to find anything else to talk to me about "Ok."
And he slowly pulls his hand away then he feels guilt. For keeping me here. That tinge feeling in his own heart. To do the right thing.
"Love you" he whispers and I pause turning my head to look at him and his hand reach for my own face. Holding me in place. Keeping my gaze. Because if this is all Jake will ever get, he wanted to remember every detail.
He knows I won't say it back.
"I do." He confirms "I really...do."
But who were we both joking?
This was never going to be real.
When they finally return, it's obvious that sex cured them. His arms latched around her's and the same with Neytiri. They were solid and perfect again.
He stood next to her during leadership roles now, without Tsu'tey.
"Let's stay here," Neytiri giggled, pointing to their spare room, as they prepared to leave Mo'at's home and take a break from their regular political duties.
He had developed a habit of meeting me at night, always ending our evenings on the balcony.
"Uh? Here? You want me to stay here with you?" he asked, aware that Mo'at wasn't particularly fond of him, and Neytiri usually kept him away.
"I'm sorry for how I've been acting," Neytiri confessed, wrapping her arms around his neck and gently touching his cheek. "I know it's not your fault about my father, and my mother is just grieving, but... you are the man I have chosen, the man I want to marry. So, we should stay here together."
Jake gained everything he's ever wanted,
"I will prove to her that you are worth the title. You are worthy to our people, and if anybody says differently," she goes on, "then..."
"Neytiri," he said. He doesn't even know how to feel. Because why does she choose now? Of all times?
"Then they can go fuck off and they can go to a different clan, I don't care." She says informally, so unnaturally but...she smiles at him.
And all it took was sacrificing us.
It's weird to wait for him,
Sitting in that darkness thinking he was going to show up.
This was the first time Jake didn't...show up. I felt so alone. I felt so stupid and used.
And I don't even know why, because we've never even gotten anywhere but a stupid kiss. Maybe because I had a chance to run for the hills, to escape back to Miles but I fucking felt bad.
I felt bad that I brought all this misery and I felt like he needed...someone.
And when I needed him,
I let out sigh, feeling like I made up a fantasy in my head. He was getting married, why was I acting like she wasn't a massive part of his life?
That night while I just laid there on the cold balcony waiting he stayed with Neytiri, mouth latched to her, hands all over like the old times.
Ripping off all her clothes and he lays her down on their old bed. The room where they spent most of their relationship.
He did feel like everything was going how he wanted. He had me, he had her. He had the title. The respect. Everything.
That next morning we all had to wake up early to start the fall seeding to have spring harvesting.
The radiance that they glowed, only made me turn to look back at the forest like I always do.
"She wants me to be Olo'eyktan." Jake says as he helps me with the seeding but I keep my eyes focused toward running. "Vera? You ok?" He calls seeing I was so...out of it.
But one thing never changed, I always looked over those stupid horizons, to Miles.
Every. Day.
Every. Damn. Day.
Jake tries to convince himself that it's nothing. But to see me turn, and stare at a ghost. When he was willing to...
"You sound like you aren't sure" I said not answering his question about my well being.
"I'm not" he replies truthfully.
Because for the first time in his life, he doubted the path he chose. Waiting to see, if I was willing to jump over the that boundary. I do look up at him, which does feel like forever since I've seen his golden eyes.
"You have nothing to be scared of" I reply. "You're smart, funny, kind, sometimes an asshole,"
And he does laugh a bit at that.
"But, if you show them the real you. I'm sure they will see what your wife sees" i respond putting a hand on his bicep as he reaches out for more but i just pull away..
He can hear the coldness in my tone, which I thought I hid well, but...this is Jake and I'm his make-shift mate. He could probably scent my very pheromones. "You ok?"
"Yeah" I reassure walking past him but he reaches for my wrist.
"Vera?" He calls
"Let go" I responded gently
"What's wrong? What did I do?"
"We're in public." I warned him,
"You act like I care about what people think of me"
"Then you should, at the very least, care what your future wife might think" I say and this hits him as I pull back my hand. "After all, she's the one."
He can't even speak.
So I walk off, feeling like maybe this will aid my mind into thinking that I was a second choice. But living with them did not make it easier.
I begged Tsu'tey to switch so I could stay with him and...he agreed, thank god. So I'd atleast have some time away from them.
Every night since, Jake's stayed waiting for me. Every single dreadful night. In hopes that we could talk. But I stopped showing up. He always looks at my door, thinking of taking the step toward it.
But, we were always going to be nothing.
Nothing happened,
Maybe I needed time.
But time turned into days,
Days, to weeks
And weeks to...
The first speech for his title begins to commence, everyone gathers as I stare out at the forest, again.
Just go Vera. Fucking go. Stop being a little baby and just go. Move your stupid legs.
"Hey chocolate." Jake greets as I jolt from being caught. "That was very cute"
And I try to push this little compliment away.
"Shouldn't you be at the communion hall?" I muttered in a tone of annoyance, which at this point I need to stop because he will be the next Olo'eyktan and in that right could kill me.
Not...like he couldn't before.
"Yeah? Well...I was but...you weren't there" He starts, staring into those eyes that he's missed so much. "I need you"
And I scoffed, attempting to walk off but he places his hand over my shoulder. We stood next to each other, staring in opposite directions,
"Jake, you have Neytiri."
"I can't do this, not without you." He tells me "Please."
My eyes look up at him and I can feel that hurt beginning to creep up.
And maybe he was done trying to hide things anymore. Maybe fear took over that he was going to lose me.
"I love you" he says "you, Vera."
"Stop"
"If you...say it back." He starts turning his head to look at me, "say the word and I'll leave everything." He wagers, he always sat on the fence of taking the title. Because he never felt like he belonged, and it was fine. If that made Neytiri happy, he was happy.
He reaches down to clasp my hand.
But to be truly happy?
Utter happiness, shouldn't have to be forced.
"What's the point of gaining the world if I lose the only thing that ever mattered?" Jake tells me. I can feel myself trembling.
My heart was pounding, and I can feel the tears falling.
"If I have you, everything will be ok. So stay with me." He whispers. "Choose me."
I did want to,
I did.
"I'll get you a chocolate cake?" He entices and I almost fell for it. Jake grins looking down at me. "What do you say?"
And the sound of his wife in the distance makes me pull away, even when he was willing to stay like this. I was too terrified.
She got shot by Miles because of me, faked her accident so she could take me in. She defended me infront of Jake, and I repay her by...sleeping with her future husband?!
I couldn't.
"I'm sorry," I said running before she got to us, before anyone saw anything.
"Jake? There you are" Neytiri says finding him as his eyes are still so focused on what just happened. "Jake?"
And she touches his face for a brief second and he shakes it off.
"Oh? Hey" he tells her
"Are you ok?"
"Gotta be right?" he replies
"Come, the people are waiting to hear their leader" she says happily as she drags him back into the communion hall. Countless people standing around and staring at him.
He never needed to scan a room for me, my scent was embedded into him and he knew I wasn't in the communion hall.
"Remember show strength, so you are not afraid to be their leader" Neytiri tells him leaning in to kiss him. "I love you."
And he doesn't respond mainly because guilt sat. Because he just outright told another woman he loved her and luckily for him, Neytiri was let the type to worry about trivial things as waiting for him to return it back.
As he spoke, he goes on saying how he will be the protector they need. That he was Turok Makto and with that meant he was great and strong
and...
Then he paused, scenting me.
Golden eyes look directly into the crowd,
At me.
And at the very last minute he changes his speech.
"Someone once asked me if I regret being here, going through all this..." he trails off and for the first time Neytiri sees us. Her eyes go from Jake to Me, and she realizes there is more in his eyes than just a passing thought.
There was more to us, than just nothing.
"No." Jake says, eyes still on me as I feel the tears begin to fall again. "I don't regret anything. Because...when you love the people, any place...is home." He says as I try to beg him to look away. "And you are...my home."
There is silence as the crowd begins to cheer, that he showed vulnerability. He showed that he cared that he was more than that stone creature.
And as the night begins to creep, I'm back at the edge of the forest again.
Staring out at Miles.
Jake just watches from the distance, taking a sip of his drink. As the colony celebrates their next Olo'eyktan and their next Tsahik.
I just stood there. Everyday, looking at the man he will never be. How he's wished to be the very stars that get to have a chance, an opportunity of my attention.
Because he lost it all.
Days pass and we go without speaking,
Other than when we are forced to,
To at least keep up the appearances that there was nothing going on this house.
He stands waiting for me like he usually does every single night and becomes fed up so Jake finishes his drink as he looks down my hall.
Tsu'tey was on patrol and he's probably going to be sleeping at one of his other friends. So Jake knew I was alone.
It's been almost a week since he's seen me, long enough than a passing second.
Don't. Be. Stupid. Jake tells himself. Don't.
But he goes to my door, knocking on it. But I don't responds. He knows I'm there, he can hear my heart.
And he knows I'm awake, because he can hear me crying.
But Jake can't do anything, not if I shut him out.
That next morning, I open my door to see a wrapped chocolate cake on a plate. I don't even know how he got this here, because it's not like Omatikaya has an abundance of earth pastries. I picked it up and a note underneath it, that said: I love you.
——————
"Where did you get the cake?" I ask him as he waits for me that following night.
My voice almost sounding surreal as he shifts his broad shoulders back to look at me.
There is silence for a moment as we just stare into each other's eyes.
Jake opens his arms,
Without uttering another word,
I run into them as he picks me up.
Grabbing his face and kissing him. The surge of butterflies run through my body as our lips moved like a dance. Swirling our tongues between each other, as each little moment solidifies,
That we felt more than nothing.
Pulling away to look into his eyes,
But who were we joking?
I would was never his,
"Jake? What's wrong?" I say confused as he snaps his head out into those horizon.
And Miles would remind him,
"Move!" Jake shouted as Miles slams him into the wall of the home. "Fuck" he groaned as I fall to the ground.
Miles was angry, jealousy littered his face as he kicked him in the face.
"Miles!" I shouted running over to grab him from causing anymore damage.
"You think you can just fucking touch her?!" Miles hisses hitting Jake who lunges out for Miles throat, landing a punch on his face.
"Stop!"
And when I'm finally able to separate them, Miles pulls out a hand gun.
"Miles!" I shouted as he fires off directly at Jake.
