Hello beautiful people!
Omg two reviews, I feel like a rockstar hehehe
Guest: Don't worry St. Berry will remain forever in my heart, it is a fantastic muse.
Guest: Thank you for your faithful reviews! If you could have an identification of some sort it would be great to know it's from you, forever indebted to your lenghty reviews! It's hard to make him sweet without making him too OC so please feel free to tell me if you think he needs a little more cockiness hehehe
Hope you like this chapter
Disclamer: the usual, and this was inspired by Daddy's story on from Chiquislover25, go give it some support.
You could hear a pin drop on that deafening silence that followed Kurt's news. First, she thought it had to be a really poorly tasted joke but the look on Santana's face said it all. She could see the shock and color drained from her face and that girl never showed any vulnerability.
Her legs failed her and she dropped to the floor and suddenly everything was spinning. And a pitch-black darkness obscured her vision.
When she regained consciousness Kurt and Santana were each by her side on her bed where she laid. She reincorporated and sat.
"Is it true?" she asked barely above a whisper looking at her hands not able to look at anything else. If she moved even a millimeter she felt as if she would break in a thousand pieces.
She felt Kurt nod, he was also with his gaze fixed on his hands in front of him.
She was wrong, even if she lay still, she was able to feel her soul shatter to pieces, tears began to stream down her face.
"How" she managed to choke out through the lump in her throat.
"Car crash returning from glee practice yesterday" said Kurt also whispering not able to go into detail, grasping the concept of his step brother passing away was impossible for him.
The three friends sat on her bed for what felt like hours, silently crying and just holding each other's hands, and trying to find comfort in their presences, but nothing helped to fill the void they felt after that news, suddenly everything changed and the world felt bigger and scarier.
Next day's felt like a blur on Rachel's memory. Somehow, she found herself in Ohio, she didn't even remember the trip to her hometown. One day she was in New York and next thing she knew, she was in Lima, Ohio being surrounded by newly and former members of New Directions, Carole, Burt and family in HIS funeral.
Nothing made sense, it was HIS funeral. The sole thought was disconcerting if anything, Finn was dead.
Suddenly one day she wasn't going to hear his voice giving them a pep-talk, she no longer was going to be able to look at his warm eyes that were reserved only for her, no more comforting hugs when she felt down. None of it was going to happen because he was dead.
As much as Rachel had begun to come to terms the last 5 weeks that they were not getting back together and he was probably going to remain as his forever high school sweetheart and nothing else, since he was choosing a different path that no longer reconcile with her dreams with Finn. This was different, this left no room for discussion, just like that, life had made the decision for her, a drastic one as if it was now her only choice.
She could see the broken and disconcerted faces from everyone in the room, no one that was inside these 4 walls understood what was happening. She could gaze and observe all she wanted but she could not register anything they were saying. That is until she caught sight of Carole.
The woman was a shell of herself, Rachel wondered if that was how she looked also, she felt empty and cold. But Carole, she looked lost, the poor woman had buried her first husband and now she had to bury his only son.
Rachel approached her and sat by her side and took hold of her hand which made Carole regain touch with reality.
"Rachel, sweetheart" Carole muttered and broke, that was enough to make Rachel hear again everything around her. The quiet hushed noises of people having small talks, the soft sobs of Quinn and Mercedes, the muffled whimpers of Kurt being held by Blaine and the soul wrenching cries of the woman next to her. "He loved you so much, Rachel, and you were his biggest admiration"
She hugged Carole and Rachel began to cry on her shoulders. "I know Carole, I loved him too so dearly. I feel so lost, I can't even believe this is happening"
Rachel never left her side from that moment until she had to leave. Reality was just too much for her right now and again, she didn't remember anything that had happened the last few hours. She was only grateful that it had been a closed casquet, otherwise she would have lost it. She wanted to remember Finn full of life, not with his eyes closed and pale.
That last thought was enough to make her begin hyperventilating when she was alone in her room after she assured her dads that she was ok to sleep alone.
She began to feel pins and needles in her hands, then in her feet and her breathing was short and superficial.
Memories from their first kiss, flashes of their last Christmas in Ohio, the star he had gifted her on her senior year, his sweet eyes when they made love after her opening night in West Side story.
She felt like she was about to pass out from her panic attack when Hiram entered her room for a last check up and found her heaving on the floor.
"Leroy!" he shouted panicked as he ran towards her daughter. "Breathe, baby, breathe for me. Can you do that baby girl?" he said trying to stay calm and keep his composure even though right now his heart was racing and he could feel It thumping everywhere in his body.
Leroy entered the room with a cup of water but soon realized that it wasn't going to do any difference. He left it on the floor as he approached his daughter and husband.
"Ok Rach, I need you to breath with me please" he began to exaggerate his breathing so she could follow him, Hiram followed his lead and after a few breathing cycles Rachel regained the ability to breathe normally and tears were cascading down from her eyes.
"Daddies, I'm never going to see him again" she wailed loudly and the rawness of her cries made Hiram and Leroy lose it too and they hugged each other with Rachel between them still grief stricken unable to control her tears.
They remained in that position caressing Rachel's hair until she yawned "Can you sleep with me tonight, Daddies?'" and that broke Hiram's heart. It had been a long time since he had heard those words, he just lamented that it had to be in this situation. Losing your loved one was not something he ever envisioned for her daughter at such young age.
"Of course, sweetie" he nodded, tucked her in bed and climbed next to her side, Leroy brought a bigger blanket and climbed to her other side.
"Everything is going to be alright baby girl, it will be hard, but everything is going to be alright, ok'" said Leroy after kissing her forehead, and Hiram knew that it was meant for Rachel and to calm himself. Witnessing your daughter's panic attack was something that shocked you to your core.
He just hoped she didn't lose the light in her eyes and firecracker personality - that he loved so much - along the way.
She opened her eyes with the first rays of light that entered through her window. And found herself alone in her bed, a feeling of pure panic went through her chest again as she remembered everything that had happened since Saturday. But was sent directly to the bathroom due to the morning sickness of the pregnancy.
Fuck, she was pregnant with his now late ex-boyfriend's baby.
Rachel had never felt more conflicted in her life as she was feeling right now. She had made a decision and was planning to go through with it until recent light of events, now she couldn't.
This baby that was growing inside of her was probably the only connection she would have with Finn. And not only her, everyone. This baby could mean a lot of things for Kurt, Burt and Carole, new beginnings, memories but mainly hope.
And to her it would mean having a piece of Finn in her life, she was nowhere near accepting his death; but this baby, this baby was going to be the light at the end of the tunnel that was brought to her with Finn's death.
"Oh baby, you are not going to have a father but I hope you will be content with having me" she said while caressing her stomach, it was the first time she did so since founding out about it.
Spring Awakening came to her mind and she groaned. She would have to pull out from the workshop, there was no way she could pull off this being pregnant and alone in New York, she would have to return to Ohio. As much as she was aware that Mr. Sater wanted her for the part, there was no way they would let her do it pregnant. It hurt so much, but she couldn't prioritize her dreams above this new life that she was carrying that she was sure was going to bring joy to her life. Her after-Finn life, something she never knew she would have to face.
And out of nowhere her phone began blasting her ringtone, she grabbed her phone. It was Jesse. She sighed; it was going to be a difficult conversation.
"Hi Rach, I was calling you to ask you where you wanted to meet before going to Planned parenthood" he began saying meekly knowing this was a delicate subject.
"Jesse" her voice broke and hitched in her throat, that didn't go unnoticed by him.
"Rach, what happened?" his voice now laced with concerned. She took a big breath trying to calm herself before continuing.
"Jesse, I'm in Ohio now, I'll stay here until Tuesday. Finn was in an accident and he… he's dead" she said in a neutral and numb tone, she couldn't muster the energy for anything else.
There was a silence that lasted for at least a minute.
"Jesse?" she asked wondering if the call was still on or he had hanged up.
"Rach, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, I'm without words honestly. I know he and I didn't always saw eye to eye but… God this was never something I saw happening" he answered immediately knowing she was waiting for his response but there were no words for what he was feeling right now. He never desired death on Hudson even if he hated his guts, which made everything more difficult and conflicting.
And how she must be feeling was something that he never wanted to know and somehow at her shy age of 19 she was going to face something that no one wished on anybody.
"Jesse, I can't go through with the abortion anymore" she cried "this baby, is the last thing that might connect me with him, I just can't"
"I know" he answered in full understanding of the situation. "Look I know right know you are probably wanting to pull out from SA. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling or thinking. But promise me something, don't make any rash decision until you return to New York, I'll think of something. Please promise me that Rach"
Her head wasn't with her, she couldn't make any decisions right now about anything, she was going on autopilot and preferred to just follow whatever they told her to do. So, she nodded.
"Okay Jesse" she voiced out loud knowing he probably wouldn't know that she was nodding.
"I'll cancel your appointment so don't worry about it. I'm so sorry for your loss Rachel, I'm really sorry. If you want to talk about anything I'm here for you, okay?"
And thus, the day to return to New York came and she hadn't told anybody still about her pregnancy. She knew she would have to eventually, but as much as she wanted to have this baby, she wanted to still have something for her, so deep down she didn't say anything to Carole and her dads or even Kurt because she needed to hear what Jesse had to say.
If she told everyone the big news, she would not be able to look at Carole and tell her that she was returning to New York either way.
School and Spring awakening were waiting for her in New York, and as much as she liked being with her dad's, everywhere she looked only reminded her that Finn was no longer with her. So right now, she thought that it was the only logical decision, even though it had only been three days and her dads were insisting on her staying home for a few more days.
She just couldn't be there anymore. It was almost unbearable. She had to think of anything else, stopping meant thinking of Finn and that led to her having panic attacks.
She would do her mourning in any other part of the world; it just couldn't be in Lima.
"Rachel honey, Carole is here" called Hiram.
Rachel finished with her luggage. And went downstairs.
"Hi Rach, nice to see you sweetie" she hugged her and Rachel returned the hug. "Do you really need to leave so soon?"
That broke Rachels heart. Carole didn't look like a mess but she had an empty look on her eyes. And her decision to withhold her news about the pregnancy was reaffirmed. She wouldn't be able to say no to anything she said right now.
They were the two people that hurt the most in all of this. They probably felt a different kind of pain but it was something that would take an eternity to mend on both cases.
"I know Carole, I wish I could stay. But everything here reminds me of him" she said with a shaky voice.
"I understand sweetie, it's fine. Just don't be a stranger" Carole replied with a half-smile. Rachel nodded and hugged her.
"I won't"
"I came because I wanted you to have this" Carole backed out of the hug and went through her tote bag "I was cleaning his room and found this, I know he would have wanted you to have it"
Carole took out a wooden box and Rachel opened it. It had letter she had sent to him, some photos of them together that not even she had in her possession and every movie ticket they had purchased when they went on dates. As well as many other things.
As she went through the contents of the box, she cried again probably for the 10nth time of the day.
"Thank you, Carole" she hugged her again.
Hoped you liked it!
Stay tuned for next chapter!
It was hard writing this chapter, even 9 years later, this is still hard. Some tears were shed I must admit.
