Hello beautiful people! here I am with a new update thart ended up being a bit longer than I expected, which I hope you find it to your liking, a lot of Rachel and Jesse interactions :3

Gina: I think you'll find the answer to your pleadings in this chapter ;) thanks for coming out of the anonymity, I can't answer your comments directly as a guest, so this way i'll be able to do it, thank you for your constant reviews.


When she arrived at her flat with Kurt and Santana by her side, the moment she crossed the door she began to wonder if perhaps escaping - yeah, she could admit to herself that she was in denial and she didn't want to remain on Lima because she didn't want to face her own feelings on this - was a good idea.

And now being in New York she couldn't help feeling that it meant moving on with her life without Finn and she almost felt guilty of doing that, if it weren't for the tiny thing growing inside of her, she would be feeling complete and full-blown guilt out of proportion. But it had been only 4 days since his death, so she decided that trying to put a strong front was something that she wasn't compelled to do so soon, she wouldn't even bother, if she wanted to feel lost and like when was broken in pieces, she would.

She went to her space - she wouldn't even dignify it by calling it her room if it didn't have a door - and closed the curtains almost in autopilot not bothering to say anything to her roommates, who were also in their own world after that weekend in Lima. After plugging her headphone to her Ipod and playing white noise just to hear something else than the deafening sound of the loft, she fell asleep for what could have been hours and only woke up because of the buzz coming from her cellphone indicating she had received a text message from Jesse.

She was about to ignore and continue on her deep slumber not wanting to have any sort of contact with whatever was past her curtain/door, but then remembered their last phone call and if he took time of his day to device some way for her to stay in the play so she forced to at least look at it.

Rach you in NY? Already know how to approach the producers of the SA workshop. Don't worry about anything.

Talk to me when you feel like it, I understand. But be at ease, I got it all figured out.

Also, if you need anything, just call me.

A soft faint smile appeared on her face, probably the first one in 4 days where she was just a zombie, expressionless and moving out of inertia. At least with Jesse on her corner she could sleep better at night thinking that perhaps everything wasn't going to fall apart when she revealed that she was pregnant to everyone.


It had been 5 days since she returned to New York. And 9 days since her whole life turned upside down.

Since returning to her usual schedule, she woke up just early enough to get to NYADA on time or just a bit earlier if she had any morning sickness, some days she took a bath, she put on some clothes, went to campus, just existed on her classes, then returned and slept not bothering with homework if she got any; on repeat.

She didn't see the point of trying anymore, every day she woke up she was deeply offended the sun hadn't turned off to match her feelings right now; and then when she got out and faced the world outside of her 4 walls, she couldn't help but feeling alienated from everyone, everyone looked way too happy or bubbly for her taste. And that left feeling as if she was jaded and damaged.

Kurt and Santana were also processing Finn's death but had more healthy coping mechanisms since they had each their respective loved ones who could hear them when life got too much to bear. So, they began to get worried when Rachel barely acknowledged them by the 3rd day since their arrival. They knew this was taking a toll on her since Finn and her a deeper connection due to their romantic past and everything that had happened in their senior year with their engagement.

By that 5th day they saw Rachel skipping breakfast they had an intervention and expressed their concerns and worries which Rachel assured them that she was fine and eating as always. They knew those were lies but she didn't want to listen to anything either of them had to say.

By the 7th day they could already see the bags under her eyes, they knew she wasn't sleeping well because she had nightmares that woke them up constantly. Kurt had tried to calm her but with no effectiveness so he stopped trying when one night she accidentally frantically swatted her hands at his nose while tossing around and whimpering.

On the 10th day they knew things got out of hand when she passed out in the living room while they were arguing with Rachel about her lack of self-care habits these past days since their return.

Enough was enough for Kurt, so he threatened to call her dads with tears of concern and frustration in his eyes when she woke up from loss of conscience.

"Don't, please Kurt. You will worry them. I know things have gotten out of hand. I… I promise to eat, you can even watch me eat if it makes you more at ease" she said desperately. Kurt's concerned face with tears in his eyes was a wake-up call from her auto-pilot mode, she was hurting also the ones around her.

That night she called Jesse and he picked up at the first ring.

"Jess?" She inquired with a low voice.

"Oh god Rach, I've been so worried about you, I didn't want to impose myself so didn't press but for goodness gracious girl don't disappear on me" he exhaled relieved. Not having news from her, left him often wandering how she was coping and that was too distracting.

"I know, I'm sorry" Rachel began saying but not bothering to infuse any emotion in her voice, she knew that Jesse was one of the few people who would understand her inner turmoil because he was on the loop about her pregnancy, besides those last weeks he had been a good ear to have around. She imagined she wouldn't feel so drained from talking to him like she felt with everyone else. This was her trying to feel better at least. "How soon can you come to my loft, we have an unfinished conversation and I need a friend right now" she said that last part unable to hide her broken voice, making the heart of man on the other end of the phone tug in his chest.

"I'll be there on 20 minutes" he said without any hint of hesitance and hanged up.


When he got there, he almost couldn't believe himself, one glance at her and he could tell she wasn't eating nor sleeping. She had a palish tone in her complexion - in contrast to her usual olive one that made Jesse go crazy – with big purple circles beneath her eyes and her body so thin and frail, almost like she could break if you touched her.

His heart was shattered and he had to take a few seconds to recompose himself before he tried to could speak, he didn't want to startle her with any well-justified but not so welcomed reactions that would only leave him outside of her apartment with her door on his face.

"Rach…" he began with a soft tone trying with every fiber of his being not to show his anguish from seeing her as a shadow of herself.

"I know Jesse" she looked at her hands fidgeting a bit, not able to look him in the eyes afraid about what she might find in his eyes, disappointment most likely. She knew she was spiraling out of control and she needed something to ground her. She found fear and shame being quite effective as she looked sideways and wondering when she lost sight of everything and everyone around her, even the baby in her belly that needed her to nourish herself at least to survive.

He sighed knowing why she was avoiding his eyes. And decided against his desire of using a tough love approach, he was certain it would only backfire. In those few seconds he racked his brain of ways to address this and that left him only with a more empathic one, even as nauseating and sickening as he found it, he knew it was the only one to which she would respond, and he was capable of somehow channeling it - as hidden and forgotten that side of him was - only for Rachel.

He sighed again, strode towards her and hugged her. She wrapped her arms against his waist and hid her face in the curve between his shoulder and neck. He stroked her back softly and was able to feel all her bones and that knocked the air out of him and left him scared, she was fading away in his arms, he squeezed her a bit tightly afraid that if he released her, she was capable of evaporating.

"The conversation about the SA business takes the backseat right now, ok?" he pulled apart and grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to look him in the eyes. "Rach, I know this sounds stupid because you are probably feeling at your lowest but do you want to talk about how are you feeling?" he tried to hide his awkwardness, this wasn't a second nature for him as it was for her, Rachel usually wore her heart on her sleeve and Jesse admitted to himself that he admired her for it.

She didn't know it was the compassion she detected in her tone – she wasn't gullible, talking about feelings wasn't his forte and his effort was enough for her - or her desperation to share her burden but that opened the water works.

As much as she loved Kurt and Santana, they didn't know how to approach her. Either Kurt tried to take her mind of it unsuccessfully and avoid addressing anything that would remind her of Finn or Santana would avoid her as the plague if she sensed Rachel was about to have a meltdown. She didn't blame them though, she would lose her patience too if the sides were inverted, but she also knew that right now if she wanted to return to at least be a functioning human being and not a robot, she needed someone who just understood her.

She nodded and Jesse gave her a half grin, again relieved for being able to reach out to her and guided her to her couch.

"How long till the pair of St. James haters come back" he began saying once they were settled.

"Probably an hour or so" she answered him, she took a big breath bracing herself to open Pandora's box that contained her thoughts and feelings "I feel so lost Jesse, right now I'm functioning on default mode. Just existing, you know?"

He nodded, gave her a sympathetic look and motioned for her to go on, he wouldn't interrupt her. It was quite obvious that she hadn't shared anything of this with anyone and it was eating her alive. The weight of her grief and sorrow was taking a toll on her and knowing Rachel, he knew that she needed to share it to feel a bit lighter at least.

"A…all this time I always envisioned myself taking Broadway by the storm, winning my fair share of Tony's, maybe some movies and perhaps if he was available, I could return to Lima when my hunger for stardom was quenched" she paused a bit ashamed of what was to follow but she knew she needed to get out of her chest "Or I even thought at some point that if things never broke out for me her in New York, he would always be there in Lima as a safe space for me to return" she began saying and now she wasn't able to stop. She knew that if she said any of these things to Kurt, Santana or anyone from the New Directions they would peg her as selfish for thinking like this, thinking that Finn would always be there for her, but Jesse never judged her and he understood her tunnel vision about her dreams. He was a male version of herself basically, and with some differences that always made them the same mind-wise. "I had this fantasy where I would return with my arms full of awards and find him in the glee choir room in McKinley and say to him 'I'm home' and run to his arms"

She paused again to read the room and looked at his face afraid of his reaction but only found pure understanding and all the disposition in the world to hear her out. That encouraged her to continue.

"And now" she took a breath trying to pull herself together and avoid the lump in her throat stop her from sharing everything that had been painfully weighing on her "Now I'll never have that. And it's not like I really wanted to return to Ohio but knowing I had that option always was like a safe blanket. But it's not only that. Even if he and I weren't together at the time - and part of me was beginning to make peace that perhaps we weren't going to return either - he was also my friend. My first real friend, my first boyfriend, my first everything, and knowing I'll never see him again. How do you recover yourself from that, how do you keep going without feeling that you are betraying him'"

She said this no longer looking at Jesse in the eyes and just with a lost look and low voice. Looking at her so crestfallen and so unlike her was dire. He just took a breath of air and exhaled. This conversation was going to be a difficult one for him, his opinions on Hudson didn't change regarding his bad influence on Rachel's life decisions but he never wished anything like this on him, and if having to eat his snippy remarks and if biting his tongue to be there for her was a requirement for her to feel a little bit better for now then he would channel whatever Deepak Choprah's- esque knowledge he had and try to comfort her.

"I don't think you have to "recover", as you put it Rach. He will always be a part of you. You don't continue life without him, you continue life with him in your heart and your mind" he took her hand and squeezed it. She returned her gaze to him, as if all he had said suddenly made sense.

"You really think so?" she said with tears in her eyes.

"I've never had to go through anything like you are experiencing right now. But I honestly believe that erasing his fingerprint from your soul and banning him from your mind isn't going to help you. You don't have to erase him from your life, on the contrary, you have to cherish what you two shared and remember him"

"That's actually quite beautiful" she said frowning and reflecting on his words quietly.

"I have my moments" he replied with a smirk and a chuckle. Something from their last conversation did concern him and he felt he needed to address it. "Rach, I know you think this baby is your last connection with him, and maybe in a way it is. But I also think that you are putting you're a lot of your own expectations and significance into a baby because you are not allowing yourself to think that continuing your life remembering him is an option. What I want to say with this is that, that child will find his way and purpose on earth, but pinning on him or her the legacy of carrying his father's memory is not fair to that baby"

He began to grow anxious thinking he might have overstepped and was out of place when she didn't give him an answer and was about to open his mouth to apologize.

"I'm not mad if that's what you are thinking, you are making so much sense right now. I was doing that, when did you get so wise?" she nudged him with a small smile. And he thought that he could sleep peacefully at night knowing she wouldn't forget how to smile and then he returned a more melancholic smile.

"Because in a way, I was that child, me and my siblings were actually" he looked away. This was probably the first time Rachel had heard him talk about his family. "I was born out of the strategy and calculations of my parents, now, don't get me wrong, with time we have developed a better relationship and we are on good terms right now. But me not following the path my parents set for me, was something that kept me strained from them for a very long time"

"Now that leads me to my next point Rach" he gazed into her eyes. "I understand your motivations for keeping this child and I know that my opinion doesn't matter, but I will support you in any way that I can. That being said, if you are mature enough to take this decision then you should be responsible enough to take care of yourself Rach, not only for the baby but for yourself"

She leaned into his shoulder and sighed. He was such a great friend and somehow knocked some sense into her. He was right. She needed to at least take care of herself, Finn would be appalled if he could look at her now.

"You are right Jesse; I'll take better care of myself" she agreed feeling as if she could breathe now, as if there had been an elephant sitting in her chest all this time until this conversation.

"That's all I'm asking, you will get through this Rach, at your own time and speed, but for yourself and this baby you have to eat and sleep at least. I almost fainted when I saw you" he caressed her head still over his shoulder in a comforting manner.

"Kurt and Santana have been so worried and I didn't want to dump all of this on them when Kurt lost a brother and Santana a dear friend, we all are going through the same and sometimes I feel so alone because everyone I know has a link to him and are going through their own mourning"

"Hey, you have me, alright?" he put his arms around her shoulders and squeezed them. "If you need a shoulder to cry on, I don't mind you ruining some of my designer shirts, being all black comes in handy you know?" he said with a half-hearted smile "Don't keep all this to yourself and eat you alive, you can always call me. As a matter of fact, I will be on Rachel Berry duty as of now" with his other hand he tickled her side.

She giggled a little and then sighed. Then opened her eyes wide and panicked.

"Am I bad person if I laugh this soon?" she asked insecure.

"You know this is the 2nd time I'm hearing you doubt if you are a good person Rachel Berry and I'll have you know that if you are a bad person then I must be the devil himself" he tried to joke "I did tickle you, it's a physiological reaction you know? But also, do you think that Finn would want you to live your life as a shadow of yourself, or as the spitfire, annoying version that he learned to love"

"I swear I think you were reading some kind of self-guidance book last day at the coffee shop. And not the cheap kind" she joked; how did he know what to say every time baffled her. "And Jesse, you ARE the devil himself"

He laughed.

"I just get you Rachel Berry, and I know you get me too" he winked at her "And yes, I'm the devil because it's time for you to hear my really well thought but bordering on manipulative plan"

"Go on" she said a little more light hearted than when Jesse first entered her apartment.

"For starters, I want to state that Rach, this is just a workshop that's going to last 4 months, in which almost the 4 of those we are going to be mainly reading and barely portray some scenes. If we do the math, by the time we will be going into the public and if we are lucky you are going to be 4 months, 5 months tops, and if you have noticed, the play is set in the 1800's so I sincerely doubt that if we do use costumes for the public week reading we will be using fitted costumes, especially you proper and prudish Bavarian girls."

She nodded giggling a bit again. Hearing herself honestly laughing made her feel a bit better. She thought she would lose her ability to laugh.

"My point is no one needs to know. And if they do find out that's where my devious scheme enters" he snickered and gave her a mischievous grin "I assumed you have read the play, so you know that the basic premise is that they are children living in a world of indifferent and cold adults"

He raised his eyebrow with a smirk letting her figure it out herself.

"They would be turning into the cold-hearted adults if they threw me out" she realized "Jesse you are a genius!"

"Yes, indeed I am, but for my extremely eloquent and heart felt speech - that I am already preparing - to work, in case they find out, you will need to work your ass off missy, you need to prove yourself invaluable for that part" he stated as a matter of fact. "As for the next workshop, rumors according to Steven, it will probably happen one year after we finish this workshop, depending on how well it goes and how much money we make on the public run and it takes notice to some new investors for the next workshop"

"I think I'm fired up again" she began to tremble excited and Jesse sighed relieved, he could see a little bit of his old Rachel again and ignoring those hurtful pangs in his abdomen through all this conversation were worth it.

She thought of Finn while feeling this excitement and smiled knowing that Finn would be happy for this opportunity and that thought alone made her feel at peace. "This is my way of honoring him, shinning as bright as I can so that he can see me through heaven" she thought content with herself.


Stay tuned for next chapter!

And review if you want, don't be shy, I won't complain.