Trigger Warning: Alcohol, mentions of victor prostitution and other types of abuse, toxic friendship.
Luka
I only realise it's three in the morning when Fawkes and Manel walk back in. Or, Manel walks back in. Fawkes is carried in. He looks too drunk to stand.
The night has been surprisingly uneventful. I remember back when I used to mentor, whenever my tributes survived the bloodbath, I'd spend the first night on the edge of my seat, waiting for the Careers to find them. Now my tribute is essentially a Career, being watched over by his closest ally, the only tribute stronger than him. It feels like an eternity since Fawkes and Manel left but it also only feels like a few minutes.
Did I fall asleep? I wonder. That's concerning. I've never fallen asleep on the first night of the games before. I wonder if it's because Gus is in such a safe position that I'm not feeling the adrenaline I usually feel on Night One or if it's because I'm getting old.
I remember other members of the party coming back. First it was Finnick. Then Cashmere and Maia, both giggling and tipsy. Tesoro is probably still out there, unlikely to come back for some time. Lumas is… Where is Lumas?
Suddenly, I remember. Lumas, a guy who's never drunk alcohol in his life, made the mistake of challenging Fawkes to a drinking contest and he almost passed out. Finnick had to bring him back to the Control Centre and now Lumas is asleep in his room.
Manel carries Fawkes towards my station.
"Hey Luka," Fawkes mumbles. Then he passes out in his boyfriend's arms.
"Fawkes, are you okay?" Manel asks. There's no response. Manel sighs. I watch as he lays Fawkes' body down on the nearest sofa and starts trying to make it a comfortable place for Fawkes to sleep, rearranging the cushions, covering his body with a blanket, brushing his glitter-filled hair out of his face.
"Did he drink too much?" I ask.
"Yeah," Manel says. I can tell he hasn't been drinking. I remember he refused a glass of champagne during Fawkes' victory banquet.
I'm pretty sure that Manel had a problem with drink at some point. He looked drunk in most of the photos the paparazzi took of him but most of those were when he was out on dates and I wouldn't have been surprised if his dates had coerced him into drinking a little bit too much. Then he showed up to an interview after the Seventy-Third Games, so drunk he couldn't remember his tribute's name or that he'd come second. It was the middle of the day, no date in sight. I'm not sure exactly when he got better but I wouldn't be surprised if Fawkes had something to do with it.
"He'll be okay," I say. "He's young and healthy. Just keep an eye on him in the morning. He'll have a pretty bad hangover."
Manel nods. "I used to pass out like this all the time. The worst part was waking up somewhere… unpleasant."
He shudders. Then his dark eyes flicker down to Fawkes' face. I watch as Manel perches on the edge of the sofa and starts stroking his boyfriend's hair.
"I kept you safe, Starbright," he whispers. "You'll be safe when you wake up. You'll be okay."
Fawkes smiles and murmurs something in his sleep. Manel gives a sad smile. I can tell that he never had anyone to keep him safe in the Capitol in his first year mentoring. When Manel passed out at the club, he wasn't going to wake up in a a safe place like the Control Centre. He was going to wake up in a stranger's bed with his clothes gone. Somewhere unpleasant.
Manel must've sworn to himself that he'd never let it happen to Fawkes.
"Well done, kid," I say. "You did a good job getting him back from the club in one piece."
"Yeah, I wish he hadn't had so many drinks, though," Manel says. "I should've told him to stop but it was his birthday and I didn't want to ruin it for him. It's been so hard taking care of him, lately. These games have been so stressful."
"You're doing really well," I say. "I can tell he feels safe with you. I'm sure things will be easier now you're not mentoring anymore. You don't have to watch the games anymore. You can go back to Ten whenever you want."
"Fawkes feels guilty over Hunter's death," Manel says. "I've tried to tell him it's not his fault. Patty just made Tsarina angry. That's why it happened… like that. I can't get through to him. I think he just wants to save someone. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked me to bring him back here."
"Fawkes asked you to bring him here?" I ask.
"Yeah," Manel says. "When we were in the taxi, he said he didn't want to go back to our bedroom, he wanted to come here and help you mentor. And I knew that he wasn't going to be able to help much but I just couldn't say no. Besides, I can help a little, I guess. I'm not smart like Fawkes but I'm… still awake. I took a nap in the afternoon. I could do this all night."
"Okay," I say. "Can you check on Tornada for me?"
"Sure," Manel says. He sits down at Tesoro's station and frowns at the screen.
"What's wrong?" I ask. "I've been so focused on Gus, I haven't paid any attention to Tornada.
"What's Tsarina doing there?" Manel asks.
"What?" I ask. I look over at the screen and, sure enough, the girl From District 1 is there. She and Tornada seem to be chatting as they walk through a castle corridor. I can't hear what they're saying, since Tesoro left his headphones plugged in.
"Are they allies?" I ask. I can feel a mix of fear and disgust taking root in me. Tsarina has shown herself to be a bloodthirsty murderer and the most immediate threat to Gus' life. If she has an ally, that will make her and even bigger threat and, if that ally is Gus' district partner, that'll make things even worse. I knew it was unlikely that Tornada would remain loyal to her alliance the entire games but the fact that she couldn't even last the first night before turning on them to ally with the girl who'd brutally killed Hunter makes me almost hater her.
Almost.
I'm not sure Tsarina gave her a choice.
"Let's find out," Manel puts on Tesoro's headphones and listens to the conversation for a few minutes. Then he takes them off and turns to me.
"I know their plan," he says. "Tsarina wants to start by taking out some 'cannon-fodder'. I'm assuming she's not talking about Guston. They're building up to killing the traitors. I don't know who they're talking about there."
"Hephaestion," I say. "He stabbed Minaret in the back in the bloodbath and joined Gus' alliance."
Manel looks stunned. He blinks.
"Hephaestion betrayed the Careers?" He asks.
"Yeah," I say. "Gus told me Hephaestion was his closest ally in the Careers in training. The other Careers picked on him a lot. It makes sense."
"What about Tornada and Tsarina?" Manel asks. "Do they make sense?"
"When Tornada joined the Careers, she pretended to be friends with Tsarina to get a foothold in the alliance," I say. "I think they could've been real friends, if Tsarina didn't want to torture people. I think that freaked Tornada out. When Tornada left the Careers, she started talking about how she was scared of Tsarina being offended that she'd left and coming after her."
"Does that explain them being allies now?" Manel asks. "I can't tell if it's supposed to make sense. I'm not good at strategy, sorry."
"Maybe Tsarina threatened Tornada into allying with her," I say. "That's the only reason I can think of. Don't beat yourself up for not being good at strategy. It took me a while to get it as well."
I was a slow learner when it came to strategy. I didn't really have a strategy in my games. I just made the Capitol like me and killed people. It came naturally to me. So when I suddenly started having to think of strategies to help kids who weren't as good at fighting as I was, I found it really hard. It took years of hard work and experience for me to fully understand the games in the way that most other mentors did. Something tells me that Manel has had a similar struggle with mentoring. He wasn't exactly a strategic powerhouse in his games. He just did what came naturally - killing mutts until his final opponent died of thirst. He hasn't had long to learn. This is only his sixth time mentoring, and I don't know how hard he tried the first five times given that, two of those times, his tribute was competing against Fawkes.
Manel has always reminded me a bit of my younger self. When I met him on his victory tour, he seemed honest, hardworking, naïve, a little lost in this world of victors and power players. I had a lot of respect for him for somehow surviving this long.
Even now, Manel is in a similar position to the one I was in in my early twenties. When I was twenty years old, I was completely unaware of the power I had as a popular victor. I let Snow sway me to his side with his promises to keep the districts safe from any future rebellion. I threw my support behind Snow in the election and became the most powerful piece on his chessboard.
Now I'm sitting beside the man who single-handedly defeated a group of rebel extremists. Manel Lobos, Panem's hero, the Capitol's hero. He's uniquely powerful among the victors, perhaps even more powerful than his boyfriend, the victor of the Quell.
Manel Lobos is the most powerful piece on the chessboard. He needs to know that, otherwise his power will be someone else's to use.
"Do you need any more help?" Manel asks.
I hesitate for a moment, stifling a yawn. I make my decision.
"I'd like someone to talk to," I say. "Otherwise I'm not sure I'll be able to stay awake until morning."
Manel frowns "I'm not much of a talker."
He looks down. I've noticed he does that a lot around me. He just withdraws into himself. I've always thought it must be shyness but now I get the sense that there's something he doesn't like about me, something that makes him put his guard up around me. In fact, I don't think he'd even be trying to help me if it weren't for Fawkes.
I think I know what it is.
But I hope I'm wrong.
"Are you okay, kid?" I ask.
There's a long, weighty pause.
"President Snow sold my body for six years," Manel says. "I'm as okay as someone can be after… that."
I was afraid he'd say that. I'd held out some hope that Manel would escape it because his entire family was already dead and Snow had no way of threatening him into selling his body. I was shocked when I first saw the paparazzi photos of Manel - a kid barely over the Capitol's age of consent - going on awkward dates with women in their thirties. I had no idea whether Snow had found another way to get to him or whether those sick, twisted Capitolites who usually purchased victors had started preying on ones who weren't even up for sale.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I didn't know. Who did he threaten?"
"My mother."
"I thought she died during your games."
"She was avoxed," Manel says. "My district partner's father wanted to punish me for letting her die, so he bribed the peacekeepers."
His lip trembles slightly. He looks badly, deeply hurt. It must've been so hard for him to keep quiet and work with me. He must hate me. I'd hate me, too.
I hate myself. I know that what happened to Manel is partly my fault.
"Anyway," Manel carries on. "I remember one night I was drinking at my mentor's house and she said that victor prostitution was your idea. Ever since then, I've been wondering 'Why? Why would he do that?'. I told Fawkes about what Stallie said when we were on the train, on the way to District 5, and he told me he thought there was something we were missing. I thought about it and he was right. I mean, Stallie isn't the most reliable source of information. Snow never even sold her body, she wasn't even involved. She didn't have any friends who were involved. How does she even know? Plus we were both really drunk when she told me. So this thing has been bothering me all games and I just want to know, what am I missing here?"
"Stallie did miss out an important detail," I say. "She should've said that President Snow said that it was my idea."
"Oh," Manel says. Suddenly, he starts laughing, hysterically. I can tell, instantly, that he gets it. Snow probably manipulated him the same way he manipulated me. Snow must've missed me so much after I got sick of his constant lies and threats and insults that he tried to replace me with another victor, one who was young and naïve and easy to manipulate. He must've used all the same tactics on Manel.
Then Manel stops laughing. "I thought you were friends with Snow," he says, eyes hardening.
"I thought I was, too," I say. "But then…"
I hesitate. I'm about to tell Manel something very dangerous. I glance around. On my screen, Gus is still sleeping peacefully. All the other mentors are on the verge of sleep, headphones plugged in.
"Look, kid," I say. "I'm going to start from the very beginning but what I'm about to tell you is classified information, one of President Snow's deepest, darkest secrets. Only four living people know this - myself, Snow, my wife and Io Jasper. I think you deserve to know as well because you're a good kid and I know you're not going to share this with anyone. Well, maybe you'll tell Fawkes but I trust him as well. But I'm also going to give you a chance to back out if you're worried that knowing one of Snow's secrets will put you in danger."
Manel hesitates for a moment.
"I want to know," he says. "I don't think Snow will hurt me if I know his secret. He knows I'm not going to tell anyone because, whoever I tell, it'll probably put Fawkes in danger. I'm not going to risk my boyfriend's life in some dumb attempt to blackmail the president. I'm not even going to tell Fawkes. Snow will probably think he's a threat or something."
I glance over at Fawkes, who's passed out on the sofa, nesting in pillows and blankets like a baby bird. I know how smart Fawkes is but Snow would have to be totally delusional to see that slip of a boy as a threat to his rule.
But then again, Snow is delusional. Really delusional.
"Okay," I say. "You've heard of my sister-in-law, right? Io Jasper? Former Head Gamemaker. She lives in your district, runs a mutt-breeding school."
Manel nods. "That school basically destroyed my entire family."
"Back when she was Head Gamemaker, she and Snow had an affair."
"Oh my goodness!" Manel cries. His eyes light up. He starts laughing. "It's like those two were made for each other."
"I was one of the only people to find out," I say. "I found out from Callisto. Io couldn't keep a secret from her. I remember feeling… disappointed in Snow for cheating on his wife and lying to the people but I felt like I couldn't judge him too much. I was lying to everyone as well, keeping my own relationship secret. But then the Twenty-Ninth Games happened. You've heard of them, right?"
"Were they the one where all the good tributes got killed by parrots?"
"Exactly," I say. "But I'm one of the only people in Panem who knows why that happened. A group of Capitol-born rebel extremists kidnapped my girlfriend while I was mentoring. They took Callisto to the Gamemaker Building and threatened her to get Io to let them in. They took over the Gamemaker building, took control of the games and used Io and Callisto as hostages. They wanted to humiliate Snow. They wanted to ruin his games and expose his affair. And my girlfriend… she was just collateral damage because the President was having an affair with her sister."
Manel's eyes widen. He takes a shaky breath. "So you… you know what it's like?"
I nod.
"It was the most scared I'd ever been in my life." I say. "I felt so powerless. I felt like I couldn't protect her, like I hadn't done enough."
Manel looks at me with dark, serious eyes. He looks a lot older than his twenty-three years. I guess it's because he's already had enough pain for a lifetime. I can tell he understands now.
"That was the worst part," he says, quietly. "When you know you can't stop the love of your life getting hurt. When there's nothing you can do."
"I had to do something," I say. "So I did something really dumb. I was sick of President Snow's stupid affair that'd put my girlfriend in danger so I gave him a piece of my mind and smashed up one of his stupid fancy office chairs."
Manel gasps. "No way! You smashed one of the president's chairs?"
I nod. "You know what was the worst part? I asked for permission first."
"What, you were like "Please can I smash this chair?" and he said yes?"
"Exactly."
Manel starts laughing. Suddenly, I find myself laughing, too.
"That is both the most awesome thing I've ever heard and the most pathetic," he says. "Wow, I can't believe you did that. That's something I'd expect Lumas to do, not Luka Starkwain, hero of the Capitol."
"Snow isn't the Capitol. He's just the President of the Capitol. Maybe he's the only Capitol you've ever known but I remember a time before him. I remember thinking that Snow was harming the Capitol with his actions. Because of his affair with Io, I didn't feel like the Capitol was a safe place for Callisto anymore. If I left her alone, I was worried that one of Snow's enemies would target her again. So after she was rescued, we both agreed that it would be better if I married her and took her back to Five with me. I bought an engagement ring and I let the paparazzi catch me doing it. And I think that annoyed Snow even more than the chair."
"Why?" Manel asks.
"Because, once I got caught buying the ring, Snow had to let me marry Callisto," I say. "The games had been such a disaster, Snow needed a distraction. He couldn't just let a victor buy an engagement ring without any payoff. That would've disappointed the people even more. But he always hated that I was marrying Callisto. He was really angry when we had kids. I reckon it's because his child is actually Io's. I always thought the kid looked more like Io than Snow's wife, Livia. Livia didn't get pregnant normally. The egg was fertilised and implanted in a lab."
"Io's lab?" Manel asks, a spark of recognition in his eyes.
"Exactly. It would've been so easy for her to cover it up. So if Io was the mother of Snow's child, that would make Callisto the aunt. My kids were the cousins of Snow's son. And I think that embarrasses him. I also think he's embarrassed that I got to marry Callisto and he screwed things up with Io. Livia got sick and died a couple weeks after the games ended. If he'd waited, he could've married Io. But he sent her to Ten for some reason and I think he regrets it." I sigh. "He got the last laugh, of course. Victor prostitution started the very next games. Snow sent a letter to the Control Centre explaining it. I remember Surf Depthell read it out to everyone. Everyone there heard that it was apparently my idea, including Stallie."
"Do you think he invented it just to get revenge on you?" Manel asks.
I hesitate. So far, I haven't had to talk about anything I'm ashamed of. But I do need to at some point. I don't want to hide the truth from Manel and make him think I'm completely innocent.
I do think Snow got the idea for victor prostitution from me. I didn't give it to him willingly. I never told him that selling victors' bodies was a good idea, because I never would've considered it a good idea. But I still blame myself for everything and I could never talk about it with anyone but Callisto because, until tonight, she was the only person who knew the whole story.
"Snow's not that petty," I say. "If he'd just wanted revenge, he would've sold all my friends, not just Sotope. But she was the only one of my friends who was young and single and attractive. The others wouldn't have earned him much money. I think Snow wanted money. I think he wanted to exert his power over us. But… I still blame myself for it. Whoever it was who came up with victor prostitution, whether it was Snow or one of his lackeys, they did it the year I married a Capitolite. There'd been relationships between victors and Capitolites before but most Capitolites saw us as too dirty to touch, especially the upper classes. But something must've shifted when I married Callisto. A lot of very wealthy Capitolites must've realised that it was okay to have relationships with victors and Snow… twisted that into something disgusting and perverted. I… I always wonder if it's all just a twisted version of what I have with my wife."
"It's not," Manel says. "You and your wife love each other. Nobody who bought me loved me. It was never something that resembled love. It was… complete control."
"Do you think Snow knows the difference between love and control?" I ask.
Manel shakes his head, solemnly. "But that's not your fault. That's on him. You shouldn't beat yourself up over it. That's what he wants, right?"
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"I think Snow put your name in that letter because he wanted you to feel guilty for defying him. I think he knew that you did the right thing and he couldn't make you feel guilty for that so he made you associate it with something terrible. And I know we are never going to overthrow Snow. We can't even speak out against him. That would give the rebels power. But we can beat him in small ways, and I think you can beat him by forgiving yourself. It's not your fault, Luka."
I can feel tears in my eyes. He doesn't blame me. This kid who's been abused and treated like an object for six years doesn't blame me. He says I should forgive myself.
Manel pulls me into a hug. I'm crying. I shouldn't be crying, I never cry. But it's four in the morning and I haven't had any sleep and I just can't take all the stress.
All I can think about is how Snow has been using me. Back when he was supposedly my friend, he always used to belittle me and put me down. He treated me as lesser, said I was 'corrupting' my girlfriend because she was a Capitolite and I was from Five. He tried to make me feel guilty about everything. And he's still been doing it. For the last forty-six years, he's been making me feel guilty about victor prostitution, making me blame myself for the corruption of the entire Capitol, when it was all his fault.
Now it's his fault my grandson is in the games.
What can you do about Snow? I ask myself. I want to get rid of him. I hate what he's done to the Capitol. I shouldn't let a man like him be in charge of an entire country. But then I catch sight of Fawkes, still passed out on the sofa, and I know there's nothing I can do. Manel's right. Even if we can overthrow Snow, it'll just give the rebels too much power and that will put my entire family in danger, as well as innocent people like Fawkes.
We just have to wait for Snow to die of natural causes. I wonder if I'll live to see it. I probably should. I'm six years younger and I'm much healthier than Snow. But Snow has access to better medical facilities than me. It really could go either way. One thing's for sure, my kids and grandkids will outlive Snow. So will Manel and Fawkes. There was a Capitol before Snow, there'll be a Capitol after Snow, and I can only hope that those kids will help make it a better place.
I pull away from Manel and start wiping away my tears.
"How did you get so smart, kid?" I say. I want to ruffle his hair, tell him I'm proud of him like he's one of my grandkids. I can tell he's going to do a much better job being the Capitol's hero than I did.
"I've had to put up with that kind of crap from Snow for years," Manel says. "I know what it's like. I'm sorry it's been happening to you for so long."
There's a pause in the conversation. I look at my screen. Gus is still asleep. He's still relatively safe. I slump back in my chair and close my eyes.
"Hey Luka, don't go to sleep," Manel says. "There's something I want to talk about."
"Okay," I say, yawning. "What is it?"
"Snow wants me to propose to Fawkes," Manel says. "I think it's a good idea. Maybe it's a bit soon but I'm absolutely certain I love Fawkes and want to marry him and… people need a morale boost. I'm thinking of doing it when these games are over, when the victor is in the Remake Centre. I just want to know… when you married Callisto, did Snow take over the wedding?"
"I think he wanted to," I say. "After I proposed, he lectured me and Callisto about how important it was that our wedding looked good on TV. But Callisto had this picture in her head of our dream wedding and she was a stylist so, of course, it was gonna look good on TV. I think Snow realised that he couldn't argue with Callisto. She was a professional. She knew what she was doing. So he let her pick out the decorations and the dress and everything. In the end, I think everyone won. Callisto and I got our dream wedding and Snow got his big morale-boosting event. I think, when you marry Fawkes, Snow is going to try to take over the wedding. But I also think he can be negotiated with."
Manel smiles. I can tell he feels reassured. Fawkes is a good negotiator and he has an eye for beauty. I'm sure he'll be able to steer the wedding planning in the right direction if he has to.
I feel glad I've been able to help Manel. I don't think he has anyone else he can ask about what it's like getting married. Very few victors have the chance to get married, these days. Even fewer have to deal with the added pressure of marrying a fellow celebrity.
I realise that this is exactly what this country needs right now. It needs a big celebrity wedding. It needs two famous people who love each other very much to get married and remind the people of Panem that things work out sometimes.
"I'm looking forward to your wedding," I say.
"You're invited," Manel says. "I know Snow will probably make me invite every victor but… I'd invite you anyway, even if I didn't have to. I'll invite all your family as well. Plus if you keep being nice to Fawkes, you'll probably end up being his best man. I've already picked Finnick as mine."
"What's up?" Finnick Odair turns to look at us from the station to my left. He looks exhausted and a little bit drunk from Fawkes' party. He must've heard his own name.
"You're my best friend, Finnick," Manel says.
Finnick starts laughing. Suddenly, all three of us are laughing. I missed this. I missed these friendly, half-asleep conversations at five o'clock on the first morning of the games. It's nice to know that they still exist.
This chapter is another chapter that doesn't have much to do with Gus or the games - aside from a reunion between Tsarina and Tornada - but I felt like it was important to have a conversation between Luka and Manel. They've both had very similar experiences - their partners were both kidnapped by rebels and they were both manipulated and used by Snow. Luka sees his younger self in Manel and wants to stop him from making the same mistakes he did.
Initially, I felt like this chapter was just Luka repeating stuff from All I Do Is Lose and the only thing Manel had to add to the conversation was that he didn't like Io Jasper but then I decided to flesh out Luka's toxic one-sided 'friendship' with Snow and everything just clicked. Due to Manel's help, this is where Luka finally figures out exactly how toxic and psychologically abusive Snow has been to him over the years. Will Luka be able to keep his newfound anger at Snow under control for the rest of the games or will it start to put Gus in danger?
On a more hopeful note, Luka has now formed a bond with Manel, which has given Manel more confidence to propose to Fawkes at some point in the near future. And, given how close Luka already is with Fawkes, he has the potential to be one of the best men!
