Hello gorgeous people!
Here i come with a new chapter, heads up, this one is a bit steamy.
Thank you so much Tania for your response! Carole can be annoying, but sometimes grief takes us throiugh weird paths, the same with the rest of the new directions. Rachel and Finn's love is something that if they let go, is something more that they lose to remember Finn by. So yeah, they are annoying but also mourning. Again thank you for taking your time to review the story, it means the world to me.
Without further ado, here it is. I do recommend watching Melchior's and Wendla's hayloft scene to give you an idea of what is happening ;)
Usual disclaimer.
Hope you like it.
She really should stop answering any of her Ohio friends at this point. They only left her with a bad taste in her mouth and with a crippling anxiety that made her progress on getting her life back on track, take two steps back.
"Rachel" She heard Mercedes voice trying to get her attention back to their conversation, or more like her monologue, since Rachel hadn't said almost nothing since she picked up her call.
"Yeah, I'm here" she grunted.
"Just wanted you to know we are worried about you; you always seem to fall back into St. James when things don't work out with Finn, we just don't want you to get hurt because experience has shown that he can't be trusted" she said awkwardly with her holier than thou tone that Rachel had to hear during her years in New Directions.
"Thought I made myself clear Mercedes, Jesse's presence in my life is off limits for all of you" Rachel said through gritted teeth once she got back her voice after a period of silence.
"I hear you girl, but you just gotta know that from our outsider point of view, it looks like that. And it doesn't show you in a good light." Pressed Mercedes, irking Rachel even more.
"And how does it make me look exactly Mercedes" Rachel managed to get out with her snotty tone, showing her annoyance already wanting to end this conversation
"Well, for starters it hasn't been even a year since Finn passed away and you are already jumping to the first guy that gives you a bit of attention and compliments, we all know how Jesse St. James always uses nice words to stroke your ego and get into your good graces. So, a bit emotional dependent and like you are already forgetting Finn." Said Mercedes as calm and cooly, almost as if she had been giving Rachel the time and not a nosy and unwelcomed opinion.
"Again, none of your business. And trust me, a little bit difficult for me to forget Finn since I'm carrying his child. This might surprise you but since I'm as hormonal as I can be and really tired of anything, I really don't care how do I look in any of your eyes. So… nice chat I guess" Rachel said harshly and ended that phone call.
But she had lied, she did care. She didn't want to, but she did.
Hasn't been a year since Finn passed away replayed in her head over and over. And she got scared of how yesterday she was almost wishing to raise this baby with Jesse.
Was she a horrible person for hoping for that?
The next following weeks passed quickly and stress free, thankfully. After that catastrophic trip and that harrowing last phone call with Mercedes, she tried to forget everything that had been said for her peace of mind. But it would be a lie to say that Mercedes words hadn't replayed again in her mind occasionally. But she still managed to shut them immediately.
At least, Rachel's relationship with Carole Hudson that had been strained for the first 3 weeks took a turn after Carole, who had "eye-opening conversation" with Burt, folded and apologized for her behavior in that visit. She even agreed to Jesse's involvement in her life now and she was glad that Rachel had someone to take care of her, not that she wouldn't be able to take care of herself alone; but if she had an added bonus, then it wasn't a bad thing. That it would be hard to see her with anyone aside from Finn but she would learn to come to terms with it, even if it was with Jesse.
Rachel didn't correct her with the usual explanation of how they were just friends. She had developed such a close relationship with him that saying they were just friends felt wrong.
After that white flag waving from Carole, Rachel began to send her updates every two or three days about the baby's movements and new milestones she had reached in those weeks. As a sign of good faith from Rachel.
Even though things had settled and no longer felt as tense between her and Carole, she had asked her and her teammates to respect that her sonogram's were almost like a ritual that she cherished and expected, and since it was such an intimate moment for her and her baby, their presence was too invasive, so they wouldn't be welcomed. She did promise to send them the pictures. And of course, omitted that Jesse was part of those intimate moments.
That's why on her 24-week appointment, Rachel could enjoy the peace and quietness of being with Jesse and her baby, just the three of them with Dr. Green. By this time, she didn't even need to ask him to make a space in his schedule to come with her, he already had done that without being asked and when Rachel alerted him of the date, he winked at her (something that lately made her heart quicken its pace) and said he got it covered, that he had already separated that morning just in case.
All seemed to be ok with her baby's development and they even got to see him suckling his thumb inside of her womb, something that moved Jesse to tears and warmed Rachel's heart, it was going to make a cute picture for her to frame it.
"Look Rach, he is suckling his thumb!" He said with admiration in his tone, she diverted her attention from the monitor to look at him and was shocked to see tears on the verge of spilling from his eyes "That's gotta be the cutest thing ever" he whispered with a faint proud smile
"Jesse St. James, are you crying over a cute thing?" she teased. Jesse's emotional response didn't go unnoticed by Rachel and she was in awe of how attached he got to her baby. He was going to make a fine husband to some lucky girl, something she had thought recurrently these last few weeks with a pang in her chest.
"Shut it, I know where you hide your Patti LuPone signed napkin and I'm feeling a bit pyromaniac today" he retorted with a smug smile and drying quickly his wet eyes, but with a faint blush that sell him out.
She had the fortune of getting a preview of him in the caring and doting partner mode but without those real ties in her life and her baby's life. That thought had begun to sting, part of her had begun to wish he was HER caring and doting partner, something she had been battling these last weeks since her conversation with Mercedes, but even with those annoying words replaying in her mind, she had trouble banishing that desire and pull she felt in her chest whenever he was there for her.
Especially because he was so great at it. He was usually so acid, sarcastic and sometimes cruel to everyone, but one look at her and everything in him – posture, tone, gaze- softened. He was so patient, caring, selfless that it touched Rachel to her core.
The day after her 24-week sonogram, they were studying and finishing some projects from their respective programs in her loft and suddenly Rachel burst out in tears.
"Why're you crying Rach?" said concerned Jesse and flying to be at her side.
"I want a Starbucks sandwich" she said weeping and with tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Wow that's a lot of tears" Jesse noticed amazed and terrified at the same time from her ability to produce them so rapidly without dehydrating herself as he offered her his handkerchief.
"Every Starbucks I went today in the morning were out of the one I wanted" she managed to get out between sobs.
"If you describe it to me then perhaps, I can make you that sandwich" he said with a soothing tone and with his eyebrows drawing together trying to calm her by rubbing her back.
"No, I want the Starbucks one, they use a different spice that I don't have" she said wiping her eyes with Jesse's handkerchief but unable to pause the new streams of tears flowing down her eyes.
"Ok, which one do you want?" he pressed.
"It's the vegan one with fake bacon" she managed to say through her uncontrollable crying. "Ugh! I hate that I'm crying over a sandwich" she added now frustrated.
"Ok wait for me, I'll find a Starbucks that has the one you want" he said as he bolted out of her apartment after grabbing his jacket and wallet.
Two hours later when Rachel had calmed down and was talking to Kurt in their kitchen, Jesse came back short of breath, with a disheveled and flustered look but with Rachel's sandwich, holding it as it was the holy grail above his head.
"It's nothing" he replied trying to fake modesty to Rachel's quick thanks and light peck on his cheek as she went down the kitchen to put her latest craving on a plate.
Worth it he thought.
"You are so whipped St. James" whispered Kurt just for Jesse to hear.
Or
The fact that he currently was going with her to her pre-natal couple's yoga didn't help either to drive away her desire for his love and affections.
And some yoga poses were starting to have an effect on her, possibly due to the baby hormones that had begun to make her a horny mess, but Jesse's strong and lean body against her back or the way his toned torso brushed against her during their breathing exercises didn't help either.
His body scent was intoxicating and every time she had to lean against him, it made her dizzy and wanting to linger a bit more against him.
And what was worst of all of this was how unaffected he seemed, not even a sign of a faint blush or hitched breath. None, Ziltch, Nada.
At least it seemed that way in Rachel's eyes. Truth be told, this was Jesse's definition of personal hell, the closeness of their bodies left him needing to take at least three cold showers a day and cursing the moment he agreed to be her partner in this couple's class. The moment he heard the word "couple's" out of her mouth, he should have said no because this was just plain torture.
He had succumbed one day and took matter in his hands, in the literal sense, while picturing the petite brunette naked against his body and screaming his name. Which left him feeling worse than before, that wanting of her to be his just grew.
And because God never smiled upon him lately, he got a call from Michael one morning telling him about how they needed him and Rachel at the theatre because they had managed to book some sessions with an intimacy choreographer to help them stage the hayloft scene for the next workshop.
"Well guys as you have read the play, it is originally a rape scene, and I know it's what we've been working on in the last workshop. But lately, after talking with Steven, we decided for a more romantic approach because we didn't want Wendla's story to end like that, we wanted to give her more power. So, the rape scene has turned to a consensual sex scene, a much sensual and intimate that will contain partial nudity" Michael began to explain and Rachel was already wanting to bolt from there. "That's why we needed to set a choreography but with the help of Noelle here, who is going to help you portray this scene the best way possible but within of the limits of what you are comfortable with, I want to add that I wanted to do this before you advance further in your pregnancy Rachel or give birth and it makes it physically impossible"
"Ok guys, few points we are going begin with…" Noelle proceeded to explain the schedule for the next 5 sessions in the next two weeks and how by the last 2 sessions they would need to practice it with the actual nudity part. "You need to know that this is an open space and this will work as long as each of you respect the others cues and limitations, that's why we need an open communication in here, ok?"
Jesse and Rachel gulped and nodded.
And thus, Jesse's and Rachel's personal nightmare began.
Since that 1st rehearsal, some nights her nightmares about losing Finn were now replaced by sex dreams with Jesse; and Rachel couldn't decide which one was worse at this point.
It always started with Jesse's suave voice and penetrating gaze that pierced through her, saying Melchior's "I hear your heart, I feel you breathing, everywhere" which made her stomach flutter and her heart quicken its pace and from there it just went all kinds of crazy and left her awake, with a dampness between her legs and a tingling desire that coursed through her veins.
Damn pregnancy hormones
Despite Noelle's intentions to keep it professional and as one more choreography, the moment Rachel felt Jesse's lips on her for the first time in years - in their rehearsals of the previous rape scene there never was any kissing or soft touches and caressing, just hard grabbing and rough rubbing on each other's bodies - she lost all sense of connection with reality. Melchior's hungry kiss made her lose herself in Jesse's lips and made it hard to carry on Wendla's rejection when she so desperately wanted to say yes.
When Jesse began Melchior's speech to convince Wendla and continued with "Because it makes us feel something" she almost cried because she couldn't longer deny it, Jesse made her feel something she didn't want to admit.
The kiss that followed, where Melchior embraced gently but firmly Wendla was by now her favorite, she shouldn't be enjoying it so much but Jesse's touch made her delirious with desire and form a pool between her legs.
Jesse tried his best to never squish her baby bump that was already present but not big enough to be in the way of the next moments of the scene where they lay down in the ground.
"Don't be scared" Jesse always said next with such devotion and adoration, and Rachel sometimes swore it was meant for her and not for Wendla. Or at least she wished so.
When Jesse's hand reached her breasts both of them were already drunk with desire and Rachel's heaving chest wasn't an acting choice for Wendla, it was her honest reaction. By that point she could already feel Jesse's growing bulge between his pants, and wished it was a reaction for his wanting of her and not just a physiological reaction to the friction they had up until that moment.
"It's just me" always said Jesse next as Melchior in such a sweet and reassuring voice and looking at her so lovingly that it made her dizzy. "It's just me" he repeated softer, the way he always said it made Rachel think that she would say yes to anything Jesse asked of her and made her mouth dry.
By the time Wendla moaned "yes" to Melchior's advances, Jesse had to kiss her breasts, that still didn't have to be uncovered in these initial sessions, but Jesse's lips brushing, caressing and kissing her chest made Rachel crave for more and wanting to grab his head and pull him to her chest to never leave that part of her body but that wasn't how Noelle directed the scene so she needed to control her impulses.
And then it followed with Jesse's motion to penetrate her as Melchior and both moaning, she was sure on one of these sessions, instead of calling Melchior's name, she would mix the names and call for Jesse's.
The sweet rocking of Jesse's body on top of her made her see stars, her already fervent arousal, by that point was unbearable. And Jesse's bulge in his pants connecting with her wet core send them both in a spiral of overwhelming wanting of each other's body.
And to make matters worse what followed next was the same scene but without sound so Rachel and Jesse somehow needed to stifle all of their little groans and moans while they repeated the same scene with in a quicker pace.
"Great guys, not let's try it again but now with…" said Noelle and they had to repeat this sweet form of torture.
Rachel couldn't sleep, she was tossing and turning in her bed unable to fall sleep. In two days, they were going to go through the choreography but with the actual nudity scenes. She didn't know how she would cope those days, fully clothed it was already such a challenge, with her exposed breasts and Jesse's naked ass for them to kiss and touch was something that made her flush and squirm in her bed from just imagining Jesse brushing and kissing her nipples with his lips.
She felt fractured, a part of her was going mad from her strong eagerness to be touched by Jesse and recently she craved even more, his kisses, feeling his tongue inside her mouth, his hands traveling through her body, the weight of him on top of her.
But the other part felt she was betraying Finn's memory by thinking like that, that she should be mourning him without feeling tempted by Jesse's piercing gaze or his seductive voice that lately felt like velvet whenever he said her name. That conversation with Mercedes had messed with her head.
But it wasn't just the physical aspect with Jesse that she wanted, since quite some time she had started to see him not as a friend but as a man, and lately couldn't stop wondering what it would be like to be a couple. She felt they already acted like one, with some limitations as to how close they allowed to be with the other, but the sense of belonging and intimacy were things that she had begun yearn from him
He was so caring and considerate towards her; somehow Jesse made this pregnancy something she could cherish and have good memories about, rather than a mainly traumatic experience in the midst of her mourning over Finn.
She was no stranger to the bad blood between Jesse and Finn and yet Jesse had stepped up to help her without hesitation and she could see how much he already got attached to a baby that wasn't even his. She had no words for what she felt, and every time he sang to the baby or admire her baby bump with such marvel, she felt her heart pound violently and threatening to get out of her chest.
In all of these past months he managed to worm his way into her heart without expecting anything from her, and went from acquaintance, to friend, to her rock and now she wanted more.
She didn't understand his actions, how could he be so altruistic and selfless about this, and yet not pursue anything with her. He didn't have anything to gain by staying at her side, not even his "for you to stay in New York and achieve your goals" argument made sense anymore. Not with his level of commitment to her and the baby.
As she questioned every single action he did, the more she felt this had no explanation.
And something inside of her lit up.
Something that had always been there, but had stayed dormant for many years since Jesse's last words - "I loved you" - before disappearing to UCLA. She had even gone to the great lengths of trying to squelch that feeling when he returned in her junior year because she was afraid of getting hurt by him again and instead hurt him back. But now with that almost blind trust she had developed in Jesse and looking at him so matured and grown up with his continuous acts of service that stemmed from pure intentions, she couldn't control it.
She was falling in love with him, so deeply and so strongly that she was impressed. She truly thought that love wouldn't come knocking on her door again since Finn, that Finn was IT, and with him gone, she wouldn't have the same luck twice.
But she had reconnected with Jesse, and he had tumbled all of the walls that she had put up after he broke her heart.
She still wasn't there yet though, she still loved Finn and would probably never stop, she still missed him and felt the unfairness of destiny for having cut his life so soon. Having such strong feelings for Jesse made her feel guilty, like she was being a bad girlfriend to Finn and disrespecting his memory.
But she couldn't stop herself from feeling faint anytime Jesse looked at her, or feeling her skin tingle any time he touched her – even as platonic as his touches where, always in appropriate places, never in the parts of her body that she secretly wished for- she couldn't even control the silly grin that appeared on her face whenever they talked.
She found herself often thinking how a great partner he would be some day, but lately she wanted him to be her partner. She now wished that his acts of service were not fueled only by pure kindness but by a love for her.
She wanted him to love her, to want her, to kiss her, to touch her. So much, that the emotions inside of her barely contained in her chest, it felt like she was going to explode now that she had admitted it to herself.
"Oh vey, this will be a long night" she thought.
Fun fact: Michael's reasoning for changing the rape scene to a more lovey dovey scene is the actual reason for that change, not wanting Wendla as a victim of her own story they wanted her to have a bit more choice in what happened to her. As being said in Steven Sater's book A Purple Summer Lyrics book.
