Chap 18

Plucking

You fall into a kind of routine, back on the ship.

Wake up, play, talk with the brothers, go outside to get some fresh air, talk some more, rinse and repeat.

Every moment is full of attention, which you're starting to realise is intentional. From the moment you wake up to the second you fall into recharge, a Seeker is always within your view.

And you find you don't mind! Whatever your life was before (you're starting to separate your life in the categories of 'before turning into a robot' and 'after turning into a robot', even though it's been like, two weeks tops), you actually kind of like the attention. It's not the kind that makes you grit your denta or the kind that makes you uncomfortable, it's the kind where you know they genuinely like you.

Which is the root of your current problem.

You like them too. But you can't forget about the fact that a few cycles ago you were still trying to find your way back to Earth and maybe turn back into a human being. The fact that you're still technically kidnapped hasn't been lost, despite the joy you feel in the Seeker's presence. Weirdly, the thoughts seem to oddly coexist with each other in a way that makes your processor ache.

What is it that you want to do? What is your goal, what do you want to accomplish?

After the last stasis, you wracked your memory banks for any gaps of what could be missing. You don't find any huge empty spaces like last time, but you're still worried that the gaps might be so huge that you don't even notice the empty space to begin with. The memory that you used to be human is still there, but the longer you're in space, the longer you're worried that these memories are going to slip through your inhuman, metal talons like sand in an hourglass.

Upon your internal investigation, you curiously find that none of your 'robot memories' are missing. Which you initially find odd, until you realise it makes perfect sense.

Maybe your robot body is erasing your human memories because its 'making space' for a potentially infinite amount of robot memories. Or because the human memories are basically a virus because they don't compute with the rest of your robot brain. Kinda like the robot part of your brain (or what used to be your brain) is slowly booting out the human part until there's only robot left.

Cue an internal freakout that you can't exactly explain to your trio of giant worry-birds.

But you like the Seekers. And there's a part of you that wants to stay with the Seekers. But you're not convinced it's not the robot part of you arguing against whatever remains of the human part of you. It feels like your body is literally fighting itself from the inside and the dilemma of it all makes your spark ache just as much as your processor.

It would be so much easier if they weren't so cool. And accommodating. And protective and nice. You dash away any thoughts of whether they might choose to stay if you turn back into a human, even your fuel lines feeling heavy at the thought. There's no way they would. And there's no way you'd make them. They belong here, and you belong on Earth. You'd be worse than a Grounder to them as a human, not even Cybertronian at all. Every aspect of yourself that they currently like would be erased, and they'd have no reason to stay with you.

The thought makes your body shake with tension and sadness. They wouldn't give you such attention and affection as a human. They wouldn't say such nice things about staying with you until you're grown up, however long that takes for Cybertronians. They might be okay with the fact you used to be human, but they'd kick you to the curb as soon as you turn back. If it were even possible. If you want to even consider that possibility in the first place. But that could just be your processor coming up with worst-case scenarios, it's all a blur.

It's a lot to think about. And it's a lot to think about when you don't get a single astrosecond alone.

It's difficult to tell which of the brothers gives you the most time alone. Because the answer is none of them, they're always here, all the time. None of them leave your side for more than ten minutes at most, and that's when you take the time to actually count. In fact, in your opinion it almost seems like they're making a game of who can spend the most time with you.

Ever since you got kidnapped by Barricade (who's been brought back safely, mended up by Ratchet and back in his cell, neither the Seekers nor the Autobots have allowed you to see him yet), you haven't had a moment alone. Which is fair, considering the last time you had it had erupted into an almost-firefight, but hey you got Elita-1 on your side after that so it wasn't a complete loss.

After Ratchet's off-servo response at the fact you might live for, I dunno, more than ten times a human lifespan before you're even fully grown, you had (understandably, when the information sunk in) a little bit of a freak-out that was a long time coming. It sank in after teasing Starscream, but your mood went from sky high to plummeting shock real quick. You couldn't stop your downward descent into depression, and nobody else could either.

The worst part? The Seekers were amazing at taking care of you.

How were you supposed to decide whether or not you even wanted to return to being a human (if such a thing is even possible, you keep reminding yourself) when they were being so accommodating about everything? Your processor is scrambled with the choices and concepts of will-they/won't-they, and it's hard to even think about leaving them to return to Earth when they're petting your helm and warming their servos beneath you, saying the nicest things like we'll always be here and we'll never let anything harm you again.

Like, how are you even supposed to argue with that? How are you supposed to even consider leaving them to return to Earth after they spend so much time and effort making sure you never feel alone, even for a second? It's horrible knowing their home is here and that you belong in different worlds.

The baby superpower thing also seems to be following suit for every other known fictional superpower, in that it finally has a downside. Everyone here thinks you're a baby, and while overall that's been an okay thing so far, it also begs the question on if your autonomy is being called into question. Do they consider you 'mature enough' to let you make your own decisions, especially big decisions concerning your future? Would they even let you leave if it came down to it? Would they adhere to your decisions even if it meant separating you forever?

Honestly, if the concept wasn't so terrifying to bring up with the Seekers in the first place, you would have discussed it with them by now. In your mind, the best one to discuss this with is probably Elita-1, but the Seekers haven't even let her close to you since you got back (barring your arrival). Normally you'd be annoyed at the fact they're keeping her from you, but after what you've all experienced in the recent cycles you don't blame them for being a tad overprotective.

It was all just so confusing.

Starscream even started taking time before recharge to recount some of the history of Cybertron; with a decided focus on the history of Vos. He recounts tales with panache like a bedtime story, each story making your tanks fizzle with contentment, his brothers chiming in every now and again offering their perspective. Even mentioning the places they'd like to show you once they were given the green light from Optimus to leave.

Every time they do something wonderful, you feel like garbage even thinking of returning to Earth. How could you do this to them when they've been nothing but gracious, warm and wonderful to you, especially now that you're finally all together.

It would be so much easier if it was, say, Optimus offering to take care of you forever. If it were him you'd be working every second to get away, to get back to Earth and your former form. He may be acting cautious right now, but it doesn't erase the absolute heebie-jeebies the Prime gives you. If it were Optimus Prime keeping you from your former life, you'd be fighting tooth and nail to get back.

But it's not. It's three cool, silly, amazing Seekers that turn your body to warm pudding with a gentle rumble of their engines. It feels good to be with them. It feels right. They're not perfect, but you're as fond of them as they are of you, so it makes the ramifications of your choice send you careening back into a downward spiral.

Then why not stay?

You can't deny there's a part of you (whether that's the robot side or your true self, you're unsure) that wants to stay. But do you feel that way because it's the easier choice? Or because it's what you truly want? Your processor is a flurry of emotionally driven futures and you're dizzy at the concept of them all.

Each night (when Cybertron's sun sets, the days a bit longer than Earth's solar rotation), it takes you longer and longer to slip into recharge, probably the key reason as to why Starscream began recounting tales before sleep. You offline your optics and immediately your HUD swirls with pre-recharge thoughts, oddly similar to the pre-sleep thoughts humans have before sleep, filling your processor to the brim with all the grim possibilities.

In the meantime, the Autobots are doing…something. You're kinda preoccupied with your inner turmoil to pay them further attention, but they're as busy as a hive of bees running around the Ark II. A few of their members, Bumblebee namely, have been leaving and coming back with supplies, coordinates, stuff on his numerous treks off-ship. You haven't even seen Wheeljack since you got back (which you're low-key kinda glad about, the brief encounter you had with him and how he treated your Seekers puts him near the bottom of your list). Even Ratchet is making himself scarce lately; he mentioned idly that he was working on completing something called a Space Bridge, whatever that is. (Why do they need a bridge to make more space? It doesn't make sense. There's tons of empty space on Cybertron, you've seen it yourself.)

Which gives you lots of time with your Seekers, and your internal dilemma. The longer you wait, the longer you're afraid you'll forget about your prior form entirely, so it consumes more or less your every thought. Even while you're having fun, spending time with the brothers, the heavy thoughts keep you from fully losing yourself in the good times. As much as you hope they don't notice your less-than-chipper attitude, you get the impression they already have.

You'd give anything to talk about this with someone, or even some time alone to think about it. Even chatting about it for two astroseconds with Elita-1 would be preferable to this constant weight you feel. But that's not gonna happen anytime soon, you're pretty sure of that. The brothers are close, always hovering. It feels nice, but only adds to your looming sense of guilt. Keeping it bottled up for now seems like the best bet, despite how it leaks out your panels like overfilled water spilling out of cracks in a glass.

Twittering your talons together, you realise once again you haven't been paying attention to what's going on around you. Skywarp had been saying for a few cycles that you'd be moving rooms, something about the room you're in being too small for the four of you. His knee joints have healed well, the silver seam of welded plating stark against his dark coloured paint, but you are happy to see him up and well again. You can tell he is happy about it too, having rushed over to toss you in the air with a beaming smile as soon as he's given the all-clear from Ratchet.

Thundercracker repeats the question again, the first time not even registering in your audials. You reverse your memory banks to process what he's saying.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Hmm?" You reply, optics slowly meeting his in a slow, distracted manner.

"Are you low on fuel? You seem lethargic." His concern is touching, if slightly incorrect. You are tired, but it's more of a mental fatigue rather than a physical one. His voice sends warmth through your back struts; you're still getting used to the fact that he's here.

"'m fine." You reply. It's not as if you can talk through your thought process with him, not when he's directly involved. You just need more time to peruse your thoughts yourself, no biggie.

He looks at you unconvinced, but doesn't push the issue. A mixed rush of relief and guilt flare through you simultaneously. "Then are you ready to proceed to our new berth room? Starscream notified me that it has been mostly completed and has requested our presence."

Somehow during the many interrogations that had followed your and Thundercracker's arrival, Starscream had not only talked his way out of a pile of trouble, he also somehow weeded his way into getting you all a room upgrade? Skywarp had only shrugged when he heard, saying there was a reason they put Screamer in charge of talking, it must be his outlier ability with his skill of talking his way out of anything.

Either way, a new room meant something new to get your mind off of the blizzard of thoughts in your head. You nod at Thundercracker, and crawl into his palm from the high shelf where you'd been hanging out.

Ratchet's handmade toy plane is still up here, along with a few other medical instruments that you still don't recognize. It's a reminder of the sinister face behind nice smiles, but you've been trying to treat the Autobots more fairly, despite having barely seen any of them since you got back with how busy they'd been. The toy looks more friendly now than it did the last time you saw it, less of a symbol of abduction and now more of a symbol of a tepid peace treaty. Your nest of blankets has already been moved to your new room, making this berth room more bare than you'd ever seen it, but the toy is still here. Do you take it with you? Would it mean anything if you did? Is anyone going to be using this room after you?

Thinking about the consequences of your actions later, you decide to take the toy with you. It was made for you, after all, why shouldn't you take it with you? The silver seams remind you of the lines on Skywarp's legs, though the colour is nowhere near the same. Thundercracker doesn't mention the toy at all, though his optics linger on it a second longer than you anticipate. Turning his body towards the door, the berth room vanishes behind you with a spread of his wings.

While you can't deny that being carried through the halls is the fastest way of getting around, the brothers weren't kidding when they said that they're never letting you down. It's gotten to the point where you can't even ask to walk on your own; your choices are 'which brother' rather than 'walk yourself or be carried.'

It feels good though, being carried. Servos are always warm underneath you, you're up high (which you love, you love heights even more now that you can literally fly), and every now and again you get tucked underneath a massive chin or hang off a clawed servo like a giant robot jungle-gym. It's fun, and there's a million new places to hang out while also getting to your destination. A rare happy thought flashed through your processor, maybe next you'll try to dangle from the flatter area on top of Starscream's helm. It's the perfect size to get the highest vantage point.

You exist with absolute certainty that you can catch yourself if you fall now, or that one of the Seekers will be there to catch you. Heights, the higher the better, are literally branded into your coding at this point. It's like an itch you can't scratch, your body vying for higher and higher vantages. The Seeker coded part of your processor relishes at the concept of open spaces, heights and gentle wind currents. Now that you've gotten the hang of flying, you're not sure you ever want to give it up.

Weridly, though probably normal for Seekers, you've even started feeling antsy when you're inside too long, which is very different than before. You're unbelievably thankful that you've always got a Seeker willing to go outside with you, especially when the claustrophobia hits too hard. Thinking back to the time you spent confined in the shipping container sends wrong signals up and down your subsystems. You're not sure how you would deal with it now that you've had a taste of the sky.

Whenever you pass the Autobots in the corridors, it's hard not to notice the guilty look in each of their optics when they catch a glance at you. They all seem to be steering clear, gazes not lingering in the way they used to, or at least only lingering when they think you're not watching. One that seems the least affected is Bumblebee, but he seems to be busy enough being the only Autobot who's allowed to freely leave the ship.

You've gotten the impression they know about you now, their vision of a 'sparkling created out of thin air' shattering in their respective processors. But the guilt in their optics conflicts with how they straight up ignore you most of the time now, barely giving a nod in your direction whenever you and whatever Seeker you're with cross their paths.

It makes you feel like even more of a freak than usual, and you're unsure if the Seekers have anything to do with how you're being treated. (You've caught them shooting angry, protective glares at any Autobot that passes by, but the expressions usually disappear from your guardians' faceplates before you're able to fully confirm whether you've actually seen them or not.)

Poor Arcee seems to be getting the worst of it, as she's the one who you encounter in the hallways most often when you're out and about. You've waved at her a few times in an effort to give some of the Autobots a clean slate, but each time she hurries out of view before anything else happens. A few times she's looked like she wants to say something, but you never get a chance to hear it before you're ushered away by whatever brother controls the direction of wherever you're headed. It's frustrating and, frankly, getting a bit old.

Optimus Prime seems to be only slightly affected by whatever Elita-1 said to him when she chewed him and Ratchet out all those cycles ago. There's definitely a difference from the frenzied state he was in the last time you were alone in each other's company to now, but it's only muted, not gone entirely. He still gives you the creeps whenever you run into him on the ship, his gaze lingering just a bit too long.

As bad luck would have it, he seems to be heading in the same direction you are at this time, walking in step with Thundercracker without asking for permission. Not that anyone would ask a Prime (the concept of what being a Prime entails, explained to you by Starscream one evening before recharge) for permission.

He nods stoically at Thundercracker, who barely bends a helm in response. Neither are the chatty types, that trait being awarded to the other two members of the trine, but the silence makes the air seem heavy. Focusing your optics forward with everything you have, you hope Optimus doesn't notice the anxious twitch of your wings or the tenseness of your shoulder pauldrons. You don't know whether to grip the toy plane or throw it away.

"Is that…" Optimus' voice cuts through the silence like a weighty blade. "Is that a new colour on their helm?"

Your servos fly up to your helm, a reaction you can't stop. Thundercracker's engine purrs comfortingly behind you.

"It is." Thundercracker replies. "I noticed when I retrieved them." He cracks the smallest of smiles without straying his optics an inch. You're kind of jealous of his control.

The Prime tilts his helm incrementally, releasing a low hum with his vocalizer. The sound goes straight to your leg joints, making you feel nervous and over-scrutinised. You're glad you're not standing. "They've become quite comfortable with you, despite having spent such little time together." You can feel his optics like icy fire on the back of your neck. The words obviously have more meaning than he's letting on.

Thundercracker isn't one to ignore a challenge when he hears one. "True, though there's something to be said about comforting presences amidst high-stress situations." His words sound like a jab, though you're not sure why. You angle your helm just a little bit so you can peek at Thundercracker's expression from the corner of your optic. You do so as slowly as possible so that you don't draw attention to yourself. Their conversation sounds neutral, but their tone belies something more venomous underneath. Adults can be scary even when they're pretending to be nice. Giant alien robots doubly so.

You wish Thundercracker would wink at you, to diffuse some of the tension in the air. But he doesn't, keeping his optics trained defiantly forward. His steps don't falter for an instant, and neither do Optimus'. You definitely don't want to meet Optimus' gaze, so you turn your helm slowly back to facing forward, servos in your lap.

"I've heard they're quite a natural in the air, a true Vosian prodigy." Optimus Prime's voice takes on a cheerful air, one that screams false in your processor. "You and yours must be proud of the continuation of your culture's legacy. I'm sure Vos' fallen are pleased to know their line will continue." He pauses, giving your body a moment to emit a full-body chill at the weight of his words. You pretend not to hear, and he pretends not to acknowledge you.

"From what I have heard," Thundercracker starts, abruptly changing the subject,"Your mission may result in the resurrection of the Well of the Allsparks. If you succeed, then Cybertron may no longer remain a dead planet."

"That is true." Optimus releases his icy gaze off of your body, lifting a weight off your mind, though the lingering chill remains. "I have it in good confidence from my engineering team that returning the Emberstone to the Well of the Allsparks may revive it by utilising the power of the ancient Prime. If we succeed, then more sparklings may once again roam our home as they once did." He raises a servo, digit outstretched as if to stroke your helm reverently. Though he doesn't get close enough to touch, you still flinch.

"Rest assured," he continues, servo lowering, "That we have means of refuelling the little one even if the Emberstone is used for its separate purpose. They will always have resources available here, you can rest assured."

"We appreciate your forethought." Is Thundercracker's clipped response. His engine hum is the only thing keeping you from bolting from this situation. Without it you'd have flown off long ago. "We would like to ensure that their previously ill-occuring stasises does not happen again. In order for them to grow and flourish optimally, of course."

You feel sick. Unable to stop yourself, you channel some of your unease by biting your lower lip plate, hoping, praying neither notices or comments. You don't think you can come up with an excuse in time, and your wings are surely already giving you away by their anxious vibrating.

"We wish for much of the same." Optimus sounds every bit the gracious leader, but everything about this conversation sets you on edge. "Starscream was very persuasive in ensuring that we provide everything they need to be properly cared for. I could find little fault in his arguments."

A lone door sits at the end of the hall like a beacon, could that be your destination?

As you approach the door, he gestures a silver servo forward. The motion catches your attention and you inadvertently meet his blue optics. The swirling depths press the weight of the world on your shoulders. "I hope your new quarters will be to your liking." He tilts his helm and smiles, and you feel it like ice cubes dripping cold water down your spinal strut. His steps stop just at the edge of the door, a movement that means he's thankfully not following you both inside.

Thundercracker thanks the Prime, the acknowledgement deaf in your audials at this point. Your fuel lines are racing so heavily that you can barely hear anything. The door shuts with a soft mechanical noise, and in a rush you feel you can breathe again. The icy blue of his optics haunts the inside of your processor and you feel your body break out into full-body shakes. The toy plane clatters to the floor, and you barely notice.

All three brothers are on you in a flash.

Starscream speaks first, his raspy voice a hiss. "What did the Prime say to them? Look at the state they're in." His talons reach up and rub your clattering wings in a calming gesture. It would feel nicer if your spark wasn't hammering in your chassis. Your breathing is just as erratic despite having no lungs or need for oxygen. His red optics glare at his brother from up close.

"I did my best to get them here as fast as possible after receiving your comm. Prime ambushed us in the corridor, made some thinly veiled comments on how he's to thank for our current situation." Thundercracker's engine hums comfortingly, but your legs are numb. "We all know what a load of scrap that is."

Skywarp's digits feel the gentlest, tilting your chin upwards with careful precision. He's the first to address you directly. "We wanted to show you the new room, but maybe now's not the time, hmm?" No matter what you try to do, you can't get your optics to focus. You can't see him clearly, but you can imagine his expression is kind. Your body is shaking so hard it clatters against Thundercracker's denser armour.

During your out-of-body experience, you suddenly feel as if you're wrapped in some kind of soft warmth, your wings tucked carefully behind you, shudders contained within the sensation. A comforting weight wraps you in a gentle cloud, and small shushes get through to your overstimulated audials. Awareness comes back to you slowly; you've been wrapped in a blanket burrito again. Kind red optics surround you as you blink back into existence.

"Hey." Skywarp's voice is soft as mist. "Welcome back. Lost you for a klik there."

Clearing your HUD of the surrounding alarms takes some time, but after a moment you can finally focus again without your senses going haywire. The fluttering frequency buzzes around you as you take a few calming breaths. A few days ago you were ecstatic to be with the three of them, now every moment is filled with treacherous guilt. Are you still going to try and go back? How do you bring up the fact you might want to leave?

The blanket burrito you're encased in is somehow in Skywarp's grasp, a fact you totally missed while you were having an ill-hidden panic attack. Starscream is twiddling his long talons nervously behind him while Thundercracker looks on with a frown. They seem as at a loss as you do considering the situation.

Blinking a few times you get a good look at the room around you, it is noticeably bigger than the last room you shared.

There's a wash rack in the corner, an almost exact replica of the one you left in the previous berth room. There's no berth here either, instead you can spot a pile of familiar blankets shoved into a corner and lots of empty space. It's big enough that it doesn't feel crowded in the slightest, despite there being three giant robots with literal wingspans all huddled in the same room. It's roomy, but oddly empty. Are they going to add more to it later?

The first thing to get your attention besides the lack of…anything, is the sunlight filtering in through an honest to goodness window. Looking through, you can see shapes that you recognize from the flight deck, and a small sill that is big enough for you to perch on. You don't remember there being any windows facing inward from the flight deck, and you scrunch your optical ridge together in confusion.

There's no way you wouldn't have noticed a window on the flight deck, considering how much time you spend out there.

"Did you…" Your intake is dry, glossa leaden from disuse. A crackle of static is heard before it clears from your vocalizer. "How did you make a window?"

All three brothers look fractionally relieved to hear your voice, though Skywarp is the once again the first one to address your quiet question. He postures with one of his forearms raised, a small ray popping from it near silently with a quiet shifting of panels. "We convinced Prime that clearing some of the rubble from the flight deck would do some good, though he didn't stick around long enough to hear about how I intended to clear it." His grin does wonders in lightening your spark. "One quick blast and we had a hole, then we just had to make it a touch more comfortable."

The window even has a small ledge that looks like the perfect size for you. You're touched they've thought of you in this way.

"Given how you've been lately, we proposed that it was a good idea to ensure you have a view of the outside at all times." Thundercracker's tone is lightly cloaked with worry, but he's doing a better job of hiding it than the others, namely Starscream. Vision clearing, you lay optics on the trine leader who looks like he's in the middle of having a mental breakdown of his own.

"I…Thank you." You can't gesture with your arms contained in the blanket, so you try to infuse as much gratitude into your voice as possible. Locking eyes with Starscream, you even get enough energy to crack a small smile. "I love it already."

Starscream takes a hesitant step forward (is he…nervous? No, you must be reading his body language wrong) his wing panels shuffling behind him. "This room was originally filled with useless furniture, tables and the like. We removed them as they'd suit no purpose with what we intend to do with the space. It was an Autobot common space before." His rasp is unusually quiet in the mostly empty room. "Though we'll need to get more coverings in order to make a nest large enough for all of us."

Your finials perk up, as you didn't even realise they had been downturn this whole time. Was he suggesting that the reason they moved all the furniture out was so that the space would be used for a giant blanket nest?

"A-all of us?" Your voice sounds high and incredulous, even to your own audials.

Starscream waves a claw dismissively, a tremble barely visible in the motion but you still catch it. "We rarely used the berth in the last room, it served no real function." He offlines his optics. "If you are amenable, then we will take turns sharing the nest with you during recharge."

Did they like, read your mind or something? This was an absolute dream come true! You'd love to share a cosy blanket nest with the Seekers; all of them at the same time if possible! Intake still open with shock, you only remember you haven't said anything in a bit too long when Starscream's expression turns dour and begins to look crestfallen.

"Nevermind, we can get a berth moved here before the end of the cycle, pretend I didn't say anything." He sounds rushed, choked, wings low.

"N-no!" You can't control the fact your vocaliser dials up the volume alongside your panic. "No, I-I'd love that." Softer this time.

Starscream is still twiddling his servos, but his wing panels have stopped twitching. What was going on with him?

Releasing an instinctive chirrup from your intake, Starscream turns his helm to face you at the sound. Whatever nervous feelings he's going through, they're almost definitely related to you in some way, that much is obvious. The least you can do is cheer up or put up a false front. They've done so much for you already, your negativity is just bringing the whole trine's mood down. It adds another layer of melancholy to your already dour feelings.

Attempting to squash your guilt, you pry a smile onto your faceplate and attempt a more chipper sounding chirrup. The brothers exchange a look, but don't say anything.

Thundercracker opens his intake as if to say something, but closes it after a moment, clearly deciding against it, or perhaps merely thinking further. You're still getting used to the fact that he's the quietest of the three, a calm presence between the trio. With how high-energy Skywarp usually is and how prone to schemes Starscream is, it's amazing to think you'd gone without knowing this balance with the three of them.

You still haven't quite forgiven Starscream for keeping his 'alive' state from you, but you've been too swept up in your own thoughts lately to fully feel sour about it. Despite the guilty feelings you have, you are happy that all of you are together. The empty slot you hadn't realised in your spark you hadn't realised was there feels fulfilled when you're all together like this, now if only your processor would stop ruining the mood by being unnecessarily sad.

If you were to be honest with yourself, you'd been making excuses about flying together ever since you came to the realisation that your feelings of joy directly correlated with your ability to transform. You want to fly with them, more than anything, but every time you even think of the subject your limbs lock into place and you're unable to do anything about it. So until you get that sorted out, you're landlocked for now. Your thrusters still work, giving you a bit of leeway, but you're stuck until you can shake these blasted feelings.

You look up at them, three worried expressions, each disguising the emotion with a different tactic; Thundercracker indifference, Starscream irritation, and Skywarp cheerfulness. Will you learn to be better at hiding things when you're older?

But you shake the thought from your head, they feel bad because of you. And while you can't exactly explain why you're feeling so guilty, you can't stop wanting them to feel better regardless. If you're the reason they feel bad, then it's also up to you to stop it.

The feelings inside you feel like they're about to burst, and in lieu of letting it all out, your computer brain offers a compromise. Talk about some of your feelings, just enough to release some of your internal pressure. There is a way to convey how much you care about them without spilling your proverbial metallic guts, so long as you can keep it together.

You wiggle a bit, trying to get at least partially free from your blanket prison. Skywarp loosens immediately, reacting to your movement in his servo. Once you get an arm out, you focus all your energy on freeing yourself incrementally, idly noticing that your shudders have now completely subsided. You crawl out from the blankets and scurry up Skywarp's arm as fast as you're able, taking care not to slip on his smooth plating. Skywarp for the most part remains absolutely still, allowing you to use his bigger body as a climbing structure. But he stiffens in a jerking motion once you perform a full-body nuzzle against the underside of his chin.

Words have never been easy for you, but you're thankful that at least some part of you communicates in a way that the Seekers seem to understand. You put your all into the nuzzle, really leaning your weight into the movement as if you had enough to make him shift with the pressure of the lean.

The remaining two brothers stand a few steps away, and you flash your optics in their direction for a brief moment, then cautiously beckon with your servo. You'll do your best to communicate verbally how much they mean to you, but cuddles are always a nice way to start.

(Not that you were the one who wanted cuddles in the first place, far from it.)

In the span of a blink, you're nuzzling under each giant chin, small quiet chirps escaping your vocalizer. Just how you can't seem to get enough of them, they can't seem to get enough of you. From the moment you woke up from your most recent stasis nap, they can't stop sticking to you and touching you whenever the mood calls for it. It's like an addiction, a touch-starved addiction. And none of you seem to be getting sated enough.

Thundercracker's engine rumble starts first, a low noise that fills the room from the bottom up, at first registering only in the lower ranges of the audial spectrum. It's a warm noise that sits like a solid foundation, heavy and supportive.

Skywarp soon follows suit, his rumble equally as low but filled with more of a heedy vibration, similar to Thundercracker's but not identical. It feels more jumpy with emotion, as if each low frequency jump in tempo is a hitched breath or a sharp laugh. You get the impression it feels like him, which now that you have Thundercracker's rumble as a point of reference, feels like an apt statement.

You wait a few moments, fully expecting Starscream to join in on the low frequency song, but it never does. A few beats pass and when you realise it doesn't chime in, you stop your cuddles and look up at him with expectant optics. His sharp servos haven't stopped petting you, but the rumble you didn't realise you were excited to hear is nowhere to be found. Upon meeting your gaze, he jerks his digits away and the surrounding warm noise abruptly ceases. He chokes and diverts his optics.

But you won't let him go. This is about all of you. Scampering quickly to catch his digits before they escape your reach, you lurch forward and jump into his range, his immediate instinct to catch you taking over whatever's spinning inside his processor. You succeed, albeit a bit clumsily, and scuttle to an upright position in his palm so he can't avoid your gaze.

You may not be able to tell them everything, but sure enough some of it comes bubbling to the surface. Ready with words of affection and comfort, you open your intake to release your frenzied feelings.

To your surprise, Starscream beats you to the punch. But what he says makes you a bit unsteady.

"Do you know what your colouring means?"

"Huh?"

A gentle talon strokes the side of your helm. "This, your colouring." His optics are back to meeting yours, red and doleful. "When a sparkling comes into their own, and is in a safe environment where they can explore aspects of themselves, their systems send extra lines of code to dictate the colouring that will line the exterior plates. Now, not every sparkling has the opportunity to do so, but it's common knowledge that the process happens gradually, rather than all at once. Certain instances can accelerate the process, but for the most part it is a slow and lenient process."

You can't look away, he looks so vulnerable. Where is he going with this? "When you first came to us, this," he taps the area around the corner of your optics, where you've been told a black stripe of paint creates a mask-like effect. "Appeared. And I thought to myself, perfect, this proves that they belong with us." The sick feeling of guilt bubbles begins to bubble up in your tanks, but he continues. "Then when you returned with Thundercracker, we noted that you received your second colouring. This lovely darkened grey helm of yours." The tips of his talons are light, ticklish. But then his wings droop, and his expression darkens.

"And while I still believe that you are meant to be with us, I cannot help but think we cannot provide for you in the way we promised to." His digits tremble with a renewed anxious energy. "Your colouring shows you are comfortable with us, but I fear we cannot give you what you need. Without regular access to the Autobot's Emberstone liquid, we cannot sustain you for long. We'd be no better than Barricade, keeping you from your only fuel source. Thus we'd be tethered here, with no hope of reprieve."

His gaze darkens, meeting his brothers' expressions. "And they've proven time and time again that their presence does nothing but cause you sadness. This is not the upbringing we wished for you. Yet I cannot see an alternative, no matter how hard I try."

He looks devastated. You can't tear your optics away. "This is not what we wished for you. This is not the life that you should be brought up in. This is not freedom." He gestures with a tip of his helm, neck cables tightly coiled. "As the pride of Vos you should have nothing but the best, but we simply do not have the resources to commandeer the Emberstone for you benefit, nor I believe should we. If Cybertron is to have a chance at life once more, the Autobots must succeed in their mission."

His optics blaze. "But don't believe for a single astrosecond that I would not fight for you. It is for that reason that we are choosing not to fight. I cannot in good conscience choose between you and Cybertron, not when both of your fates are so intricately linked. You both need the Emberstone to survive. I would not raise you on a dying world, but in choosing such an outcome we have no choice but to raise you beholden, leashed to these Autobots."

All this time you'd been worried about your own internal dilemma, and they were keeping this from you the whole time?

"But I can promise you this." His rasp is almost guttural. "We will never stop trying. Give us your patience, and we will ensure your happiness." As much as you want to look at the other brothers, Starscream's fierce expression takes up your whole vision. It's all consuming with its raw emotion, you want to be speechless but you know you must respond. Your spark sings in harmony with theirs, and no matter what happens that will never change.

So you say the only thing you can think of, the only true statement that will make your spark feel lighter. And hopefully theirs too.

"So long as we're together," You try not to sound as choked as you feel. "I am happy–happy we're together. Even after everything that's happened." Giving him an especially slow nuzzle under his chin, you let out a little trill, EM field fluctuating in tandem with your beating spark. "I'm happy to be with you, all of you. That will never change."

There's more to be said, but it's left trapped floating in the air between you, unspoken. You hadn't realised it, but you'd both been beating yourselves up on the inside, worrying about the other. The guilt is still there, still needed to be addressed sometime in the future, but for now you allow yourself this moment, where the ones who need comforting get what they need.

His words are simultaneously the words you most needed to hear, and the ones you've been dreading. They're planning a life with you here, and you don't even have the courage to tell them that might not be what you want. You don't even know what you want. Tension builds behind your optics, but they remain stubbornly dry.

You don't cry, but looking up at Starscream he looked about as close to crying as you feel. Smiling wetly, unable to comfort him with your words, you just dig into the sides of his neck cables and burrow there. For now you make a small, lonely space for yourself in the junction of Starscream's neck, clinging to him like a lifeline. In a bit you'll move on from this moment, but you keep the tears at bay for as long as you're able.

Later you'll pick yourself back up, dust off as much of your feelings as you can muster, and try to find something to distract you. Feeling Starscream tuck you impossibly closer, you block out this room from the rest of the world, for now.