XI – "I don't want to live without you"
The next day
"Pilot Soryu, reporting for duty", Asuka spoke as she stood in the doorway of Major Katsuragi's office.
The Major raised her head from the map she was studying with two officers Asuka did not recognise and looked at her uninvited guest with something resembling a weird mix of hope, worry, relief, and annoyance. "I'm sorry, Asuka, I don't have time for you now. Shouldn't you be at school, by the way? You're not on Pilot duty right now, not until we put Unit-02 together. That's why I told you to–"
"Yeah, I know what you told me, 'carry on as if nothing happened'", Asuka finished for her, her tone annoyed, almost angry. "Sorry. I can't. I just can't. Besides, those at school are rarely surprised if I'm missing a day after a battle", she explained with a shrug. "Medical reasons, NERV duties, all that stuff."
The Major let out a sigh and shot Asuka a tired glare. "There isn't much to do here for you right now, you know, and everybody's busy. So, if you don't want to go to school, fine, but please don't bother anyone."
"Sure thing", Asuka shrugged. "I don't need a nanny, I just dropped by so that you know where I am should shit hit the fan. I'm here to talk to Unit-01", she finally admitted, her eyes cast aside. "I won't be taking your precious time."
"Wait, what? What would that bring?" the Major asked with a raised eyebrow, trying to sound less annoyed than she was; another outburst would not be a good thing and she wanted to make up for yesterday, but Asuka had quite a skill in trying her patience. And this was not one of those things where being skilled got you positive scores.
"It's like those patients in a coma, right? Some of them hear everything that's happening around them. If nobody has any better ideas yet, maybe this would work?" Asuka explained. "Or I'll just annoy him out", she added with a wry, forced smile.
The Major pondered for a moment, then raised her hands in a gesture of surrender. "Okay, but if the techs tell you to leave and let them do their work, you leave, okay?"
"Sure", Asuka shrugged. "See you–"
"Wait", Misato requested. "There is something you could do before that… talk, actually. Could you pick up the lunch for Lieutenant Ibuki, bring it to her, and make sure she eats it?"
Asuka gave her a confused look and opened her mouth to protest – but as she looked at the Major's expression, there was something more to it, some kind of suggestion… 'Ah. Of course. Clever one, Misato', she admitted to herself with a small internal chuckle. "OK, sure", she agreed, doing her best to keep her tone as neutral as possible. "I'll be with my Unit-01 later then, and if they don't let me near it, I'll be with my Unit."
"If you want to visit Unit-02, ask the Lieutenant if you actually can go near it. I believe it's leaking something biohazardous right now", the Major warned – and turned her attention back to the map.
"So am I, daily, and especially after it's your turn to cook", Asuka added quietly with a shrug and an eye-roll as she departed.
...
About forty-five minutes and one angry rant at the cantina personnel later
"Pilot Delivery Service, your lunch is here!" Asuka declared as the door to the office slid to the side.
"Oh", Lieutenant Maya. "Soryu-san, I wasn't expecting you here."
"Well, there's something about not expecting people in red, I guess", Asuka replied with a forced smile, "but this is usually about robes, not hair. Anyway, I'm here with your food and orders for you to eat it."
"Um, I'm a little busy with–" Ibuki protested, pointing to the screens displaying some running simulation and a chaotic stack of notes spread across the few desks in the room.
"Lieutenant", Asuka assumed a serious posture she saw when Misato – no, Major Katsuragi – meant business and supplemented it with a tone she heard at those times. "I am under strict orders here. And the sooner you eat, the sooner you can get my, um, get this idiot out. But you won't do this well on an empty stomach!" she insisted. 'And, if Misato hears I failed to make you eat, she'll send me back to school. And I'm not having that.'
Lieutenant Ibuki stared at Asuka for a few moments before she reached for the containers. "I was under the impression that it was me who outranked you, Soryu-san", she added with a half-serious, half-amused look as she set them down on her desk.
"Details, details", Asuka replied with a shrug. "Besides, one", she ticked off on a finger, "I don't have an official rank at NERV aside from 'Pilot', which – I guess – means we're not even in the same chain of command, and two", she ticked off another, "I'm simply relaying orders from the Major. So, it's not that I am ordering you, right?"
Lieutenant Ibuki gave Asuka another confused look. "Well, you're not wrong", she admitted with a tired smile on her face – and started eating.
Asuka settled on a randomly chosen chair and, after a few moments of observing the Lieutenant, started to speak. "I know you're not supposed to tell me that, but… what really happened to that idiot?"
"It's… complicated", the Lieutenant started in a composed manner after a few moments of thinking, putting her words between bites with a flair of a person who was used to wasting as little time as possible on such trivialities as food. "But he simply reached synchronisation levels we thought impossible… and since they were thought impossible, there were no safety mechanisms. I'm still collecting measurements and running simulations… but I think what happened here is akin to what happened during the first Contact Experiments, the research when they tried to establish a control system for the Evas."
"I heard of those, yes. This was running well into my training, right?" Asuka's brow furrowed. "But those were not done with Entry Plugs, correct?"
"Definitely not", Ibuki confirmed between bites. "They interfaced with the Cores, more or less directly. It was a… risky concept, to say the least."
"A few people died before they got it right, if I recall correctly?" she probed, trying to keep her tone neutral; thinking that this could have been Shinji's fate was simply unbearable. The 'And Mama got crazy from the same' thought that slid through her mind got pushed back as well.
"Not… entirely", Ibuki reluctantly explained. "They… they didn't exactly die. And this is what we're trying to work with right now."
Asuka gave her a confused look. "Lieutenant… please, either tell me that I'm not cleared for this and tell me to get out… or explain. I'm kind of tired of getting let around and stonewalled, and this is my… fellow Pilot inside this thing. And sooner or later, I'm going back into the Plug, with the awareness that this", she gestured vaguely towards the screen displaying Unit-01 measurements, "can happen to me if my Unit goes bananas. So, I guess I have some right to know?"
"They… disappeared", Ibuki explained, her glare cast aside; Asuka did not comment on that expression, but it made her immediately suspicious. "They never returned from the capsules, yes, but the bodies were never found, and considering that they were in a closed environment, the only explanation was that they were absorbed. Somehow. This is not a new thing, since there were cases of people being eaten by the Evas during the production process", she continued despite starting to shiver, "but this, I mean this kind of absorption, happened in test-ready models. Those were thought to be safe. Well, as safe as they could make them…"
"But they got at least some of them back, right?" Asuka eyed her with a hidden threat in her glare, a worrying streak of thoughts and realisations forming in her head.
"Um… some of them, yes", Lieutenant Ibuki replied in a tone that notably lacked confidence. A shiver ran down her spine; she was not quite sure why this fourteen-year-old girl made her feel like she was being literally interrogated. 'She doesn't have any authority here!' she reminded herself as she tried to compose herself. "Most never returned. Some returned… changed", she continued, entirely missing a twitch on Asuka's face in reaction to that word; Asuka's gaze felt like fire on her skin already and she was trying to avoid it, without much avail. "But, on the other hand, while they left their clothing behind, this clothing did not maintain its shape. So… we think Pilot Ikari's state is similar, but not the same – but we're using what we can as a template, or at least some starting point. And… we have some readings from the plug itself. This is why after the initial attempts to eject – before we learned of the situation – neither the Major nor the Commander ordered the Plug's forcible extraction. We're afraid that breaking the link between the Plug and the Eva Core may make us lose him", she explained. 'Or damage Unit-01 even further, which seems to concern the Commander more than the boy's condition…' she recalled – but decided not to relay that to Asuka.
"What are the chances?" Asuka probed, her voice low but intense. "Of pulling him out, I mean?"
"We… we don't know", Lieutenant Ibuki admitted with dismay. "There are a few things we can try, as I said, we're starting with the date from the times of the Evangelion developments… but I didn't have time to delve into all of them yet, and sempai… I mean, Doctor Akagi, is… not available."
"Yeah, I heard. Trip to the funny f– I mean, I heard she didn't take that last battle well", Asuka remarked, her tone still worryingly focused.
"Yes", Lieutenant Ibuki confirmed with a pained expression.
Asuka waited for a few seconds for a follow-up, but none came. "But why didn't you have time? Isn't he a priority?" she insisted after a few moments of awkward silence.
"Well… there's this matter of Unit-02…" Ibuki pointed out, her discomfort now obvious. "Restoring it was given a higher priority since we don't know for how long will Unit-01 be… locked. And while Unit-02 is much better off than after the previous battle, you didn't exactly land softly. I'm sure you felt–"
"Ugh. Don't remind me", Asuka interrupted with a visible shudder. "But isn't this something the technicians should do?"
"They never work without at least general supervision, unless the tasks are routine. And the regenerative bath, especially so soon after the previous one ended… well, quite prematurely, is not routine. And then an emergency one was applied, too… this is something that sempai would need full attention for", Ibuki explained, discomfort obvious in her tone. "Just… don't tell that to the Commander, okay? I shouldn't even be telling you that. I suppose I shouldn't be telling that to anyone…"
Asuka gave the Lieutenant a wary look; she kept telling herself that the glimmer of uncertainty, despair, and borderline madness in those eyes in front of her was just in her imagination. But Maya Ibuki's behaviour and tone were definitely not putting her at ease at all. "Okay. But you have a plan for him?" she finally probed, trying not to think about the fact that her boyfriend's well-being was resting in the hands of an overworked person who just lost her mentor and whose sanity seemed to be dangling on a thread. Granted, Lieutenant Ibuki was brilliant by most standards – but this did not seem to help her when it came to mental fortitude.
"Yes, definitely", Ibuki confirmed, nodding intensely. "A preliminary one. I'll dig into the matter and start setting the equipment up once I'm done with other Units."
'Translation: she's got nothing', Asuka realised and despair started to claw at her soul again. "Can I at least visit Unit-01?"
"Oh, no, I just told you, we're not moving the Plug", the Lieutenant objected vehemently. "That'd be–"
"Not in that way", Asuka shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I just want to go to the Cages, and, I don't know, talk to it? You know, coma patients, sitting and talking, maintaining contact?"
"Ah. That", Ibuki realised. "I… suppose?" she replied, her uncertainty obvious again. "I mean… if you're not afraid to go down there? I mean… of course you're not", she corrected herself, her voice gaining a measure of respect. "You pilot them… Just remember to pay them proper respect and watch your steps, the Cages are not the safest environment."
"'Proper respect'?" Asuka asked, her eyebrow raised. "What do you mean? We have a new protocol, or did I miss something in the training?"
"They are dangerous beings, you should know that the best", Ibuki explained, her voice dropping to a whisper full of reverence. "They deserve our respect. And… be careful not to touch Unit-01. It's been thoroughly decontaminated, but… but we really don't know what happened out there and it was in a very close contact with the enemy."
"And you think it may eat me?" Asuka chuckled. 'Perhaps I should let it?' a thought appeared in her mind, suddenly and unexpectedly. 'Perhaps I'd go where he went?' she mused before pushing it away as a thought induced by being in the company of a person who looked like she was about to follow her mentor to the funny farm.
"It's not unthinkable, Soryu-san", the Lieutenant replied matter-of-factly. "We just… don't know what may happen, it was moving without power already. Remember: respect the machine."
"I'll keep that in mind", Asuka replied carefully and stood up. She was simultaneously somewhat satisfied with the answers and increasingly creeped out by the Lieutenant's behaviour. "Thanks for the info… I'll be in the Cages then."
"Good luck… and by all that is holy, please be careful!"
"Sure", Asuka shrugged and left.
'Mein Gott… How come that someone, exposed to Evas for a few years, became like this, and I, piloting one for almost ten years, remained a paragon of sanity?' she asked herself on the way down. 'Perhaps I got myself some immunity? After all, if you ride horses all your life, you can't be afraid of the horse, right? It's just there, and you just know how they behave…'
She took a deep breath and let her mind wander for a moment. 'And what did she say…? That they came "changed"? Maybe I should've pressed for that? Okay, another time, now the idiot takes precedence. But I know Mama was working on Evas…but they never told me whatexactly her field was, and now… shit. This all starts to make sense', she realised. 'The wrong kind of sense, though…'
The elevator door opened, revealing the Cages – and she was greeted by a few surprised glances that quickly turned into those of recognition. And when she confidently stepped out, sent a few nods and spoke a few greetings, acting as if she was supposed to be here, nobody paid her any more attention.
'Ha, bow to my superior charisma! Bow to me… or at least, ignore me and let me do what I came here for!' was running through her head as she walked the platforms, paying only partial attention to her balance; after all, she was familiar with the unsafe spaces where Evangelions were stored most of her life; Germany and Japan branches seemed to have a similar approach to safety, it seemed. The only thing that seemed different from the German branch – and from her previous visits to this place, for that matter – were a few odd objects, placed here and there across the Cages, objects Asuka could swear were not there before, objects that looked like small shrines. Granted, they would not be out of place in Japan in general, since in Asuka's perception, it seemed that there was a temple, a shrine, or at least an altar on every other corner – but NERV seemed to be free of such expressions. 'At least until now', she realised. 'I wonder what happened, did the Commander hit his head or what? Or maybe the good Doctor ordered those placed when she hit her head?' she mused with a small chuckle. Those miniature shrines did not get in her way, so she would be content to ignore them – except their presence simply puzzled her.
Those thoughts and pondering disappeared quickly, though, and she felt the need to hold to something once she laid her eyes upon the Unit-01's form. 'Oh' and 'fuck' were two things that came to her mind at the moment as she looked at the fractured armour that looked like it was torn from the inside, at the damaged exposed flesh barely covered by the bloodied bandages, at the unsettling look from the now-uncovered unblinking eyes – and at the weird protrusion of the Unit's Core. The Core that should not look like this, or at the very least not be so exposed. While she was well aware that Cores were integral parts of Evangelions, this one, for some reason, looked like it belonged on an Angel.
"Gott…", she finally vocalised her thought processes. "That's not the Eva I saw you use last time. What have you done to it, Shinji? What have you done to yourself? Where have you been? What have you done?"
Her words, of course, were not met with any direct answer except for a few odd glares coming from the technicians working on Unit-01 – working with great care, as she noticed, wearing protective gear that was one step away from a full hazmat suit. "Please keep your distance from the Evangelion, Pilot Soryu", one of the technicians addressed her, his tone leaving no doubt about the seriousness of the warning. "It is not safe to touch."
"Don't worry, I'm not here to poke it or anything. I'm here to talk to it", she replied before turning her tone from dismissive to inquisitive. "Can you tell me what's the deal with those small altars?" she asked, pointing to one next to the door. "They weren't here before."
"I'm sorry, I've got no idea", the man replied with an apologetic expression. "You would have to ask Lieutenant Ibuki. If anything happens around here, she is bound to know about it. We're on–"
"Let me guess, need-to-know basis?" Asuka interrupted with a sigh and – seeing the man nod to that – turned back to Unit-01 and pondered for a moment. "Thanks. Carry on", she added a moment later. The technician might not have been exactly helpful – but she knew all too well that being polite to people who maintained your battle gear was not just good etiquette – it could mean the difference between having your Unit done just so it passes inspection – and having it in its top shape. 'Not that anything could bring this sorry thing to its top shape, I guess' crossed her mind as she kept scanning Unit-01 from all angles she could get a look from – and no angle made it look any better. Actually, looking at it from some angles made the Unit look even worse, making the creepy-looking protrusions around the exposed Core more obvious.
Finally, Asuka decided she had seen enough and simply sat down on the walkway in the front of the Unit, her legs dropping over the ledge of the platform, her expression clearly saying that she was ready to bark at anyone who would dare to tell her to move. Nobody did, though; the technicians were going around their tasks methodically, and once they were finished, they packed up and – with a final word of warning directed at Asuka, namely a repeated instruction not to touch anything – departed, leaving Asuka alone to stare at the mutilated behemoth in front of her.
"Where are you, Shinji?" she finally spoke once she was alone. She knew there were cameras watching her – it was beyond any doubt that the Cages were heavily monitored – but she did not care about being seen talking to the machine. And while she suspected someone could listen, she dismissed it as too difficult – the Cages had very weird acoustic properties – and completely pointless; for once, she felt content with the fact that nobody paid any attention to her.
Well, except there was one person who could pay some attention to her. And preferably all of it. The problem was, of course, that one person was somewhere on the other side – whatever that meant at the moment – of Unit-01.
"Make no mistake", she started again, words reverberating off the shattered armour and dying in the depths of the cage's shaft, "I still think you're a complete idiot, that you were a jerk when you told me I didn't do enough… okay, maybe not a jerk", she corrected herself. "But definitely in the wrong and quite unfair. Not that I expect you to apologise or anything…"
She took a deep breath.
"This is stupid. You apologise for everything, and when it would be called for, that one time… that one time you don't", she shook her head. "You're really an idiot."
She paused again; for a while, there was only the ever-present silence, interrupted only by an occasional random sound from the ducts, from cage mechanisms, from some technician still working nearby.
"I get you. I understand why you were mad", she started again, this time in a lower voice. "And… and you have every right to be mad. I get it. But… but so do I, right? And now… and now I don't get to tell you that in person, do I?"
This time the pause was much longer; emotions were slowly bubbling to the surface and Asuka suddenly realised she had to consciously focus on not starting to cry.
"I love you, okay?" she started once more, this time just above a whisper. "I love you, and now you – you're gone, somewhere, gone – and we parted in anger – and you're gone because–"
She balled her fists and clenched her jaws, her thoughts scattering into a chaotic mess just as her words did a second before. Tears formed in her eyes; talking would now mean letting them out – and while she did not mind being seen talking to Unit-01, she would very much mind being seen crying. She knew that the reasonable course of action would be leaving.
Of course, Asuka Langley Soryu was, despite her declarations, rarely reasonable.
...
The sound of steps made her eyes snap open. The sudden influx of sensations: cold, coming from the surface she was laying on; the sight of sparse lamps on the ceiling; odd smells filling the air around her; the grogginess from sleep – all that led her to the obvious conclusion. 'Shit. I fell asleep watching over him… I shouldn't have "laid down just for a second", I guess' she realised as she supported herself with her elbows and took a quick look around as she rose back to the sitting position. The steps, heeled shoes on metal, judging from the sound, kept approaching. 'And let me guess, now I'm getting an earful…' she sighed and braced herself as much as possible while staying seated.
The door slid open. "Here you are, Asuka", Misato addressed her, her tone indecipherable in the strange acoustic of the room. "Nobody looped the camera recordings, after all."
"I told you I was coming here", Asuka retorted without looking at her. "Someone had to watch over the idiot in case he came waltzing out in style. Or decided to fall down on his face when emerging. Which is a more likely scenario, I suppose."
"Asuka… every single monitor of Unit-01 would go off like crazy if he does. You don't have to do this", Misato insisted as she approached slowly.
"Yeah, but before someone gets here, he could already be on the bottom of the shaft!" Asuka retorted. "Those SAFETY FIRST signs I kept seeing everywhere are perfect jokes, considering half the walkways don't have railings. Which is a concept that is centuries old at the least, by the way."
"Well, you're not wrong on that one", Misato agreed with a chuckle – and a moment of silence fell between them.
"Go ahead", Asuka finally broke it in a resigned tone. "Do it. Scold me. Tell me I'm irresponsible staying here, tell me it's stupid to wait for him, just as you told me it's no use. Let's get it over with, so you can tell me to carry on."
There was a sigh that sounded almost sad; Asuka wrote it off as the place playing tricks with the sound – again. She had to change her mind, though, when Misato spoke. "I'm not going to. I'm not blind, Asuka. You care about him, even if you show it in your… usual way."
"What's wrong with my way?" Asuka asked, her tone indicating how much off-balance this exchange has put her. "I'm not going to be all cutesy over him, ever."
"I'd send you to medical for DNA testing if you did, in case you were an impostor", Misato countered. "This doesn't change my point, and I'm not here to discuss this, anyway."
"So… why are you here?"
"To take you home", Misato replied – and Asuka saw a hand extended towards her. "Let's go home, kiddo. Sure, there's no good food waiting since our best chef is… well, in trouble from being a hero – but I'm sure we can find some takeout. And we need to feed Pen Pen."
"Okay. But only if you stay instead going back to NERV once you drop me off", Asuka demanded.
"Deal. I didn't intend to, believe it or not. We both need rest", Misato replied in a voice that sounded almost relieved. "Come. There are better places to talk."
"I guess", Asuka agreed and finally looked up – and her tired gaze met another, similarly tired one, letting a small realisation enter her mind: 'She's just as invested in all that as I am… different reasons, same feel' and made her feel like an idiot. She shelved it for future consideration before taking Misato's hand – which has proven to be a good idea as she was barely able to balance on her somewhat numb legs. "Really. Railings."
"We'll see to that… once the more urgent matters are resolved", Misato replied with a subdued chuckle.
"Yeah, this sounds like ad calendas graecas in NERV parlance", Asuka replied in a similar tone.
"You're a soldier, Asuka, you know how things are done in the military", Misato pointed out.
"And I often regret that I do", Asuka let out a sigh. "Goodnight, idiot", she turned to address Unit-01. "Don't drop into your death when I'm not around, but if you want to get out in the meantime and surprise me with a nice dinner, feel free to."
The silence was, of course, the only answer. But Asuka could not shake the feeling that those unblinking eyes were watching her – and that Unit-01 was listening.
