Chapter 11 – Grief

Theodore Nott was declared dead May 21st, 1999 at only 19 years old. Theo's funeral was a small and quiet affair. There were some people from Hogwarts who came like Pansy and Flint and also a few non-slytherins including Potter and Granger. I think that was more for my support than for Theo's memory, but it was polite either way. The obituary did not allude at all to why he passed, but Blaise put a beautiful poem in the paper under a picture of him laughing and spinning during the last snowfall we had. We laid him to rest on the Nott estate under the charmed cherry blossom tree next to his mum with a matching white marble headstone. Blaise was an absolute wreck and afterwards told me he just needed some time away from me. He didn't know how much time and that worries me. Theo left everything in his estate to Blaise and me and the solicitor helped sort it out. I haven't been back to work and two weeks have passed. That's why I am currently sitting in his room after not having slept for the past week.

I went to Jasper after the funeral and let him know what happened. He was actually really torn up over it. He kept telling me to not be the next, but at this point I'm not sure what he's talking about. It's not just the drugs that did this. Theo's father, the war, losing his mother, all of that combined put him in a position to hate life. Drugs were definitely not the issue.

Jasper gave me what I asked for which consisted of a hodge podge of everything, not knowing what would be the most helpful with the way I'm feeling. My emotions are everywhere, and everything makes me react differently. Xanax seems to help the most and so it's not because of meth or anything else keeping me up, it's the flashbacks of me finding him. And so I've been up for I don't even know how long with only spurts of sleep until I wake up screaming drenched in sweat. I've managed to get everything in the room cleaned up but now I'm trying to figure out what to do with everything.

"Master Malfoy?"

"Oh, hey Mipsy. What's up?"

"It's 8:45a sir."

Fuck. Granger owled and told me to take time to process everything and she'd still count the session due to extenuating circumstances. I haven't gotten anything from her this week, so I guess I'm not so lucky.

"Alright, I'm going Mipsy."

She nods her head and disappears. I look down at myself and see that I'm in grey joggers and a white shirt with these horrid black slide shoes of Theo's with black socks. He was right though, they are so comfortable. I don't feel like caring about what I look like, so I don't. I make my way to the Ministry just as I am.

As I get to the 2nd floor and the doors open, Potter looks up from his desk and his eyes widen, I assume at my appearance, but he schools he features quickly. I guess from the way I look he realizes I do not want to talk and just gives me a grim look and nods. I make my way to the office and walk inside, as if on auto pilot and lay on the couch.

Granger comes out of the adjoining bathroom, "Oh hey Malfoy I didn't hear you come in."

What am I supposed to say to that? Who gives a fuck what she heard? I'm here regardless. I hear her softly pad over to the chair and take a seat. It's quiet for a few minutes and I feel myself trying to nod. But of course that would be too simple to do.

"So Malfoy, how have you been since the funeral?"

"Cutting right to the chase aren't we? 'Malfoy, how are you doing since one of your best mates, someone who was more like a brother to you, died because you weren't fast enough to get to him'?"

"That is not what I asked. I am sorry that you took it that way Malfoy…Draco. I know this has to be hard for you. Especially given your situation."

"My situation?"

"Well Theodore was an addict as well right? At least, that's what Harry heard was going to be published in the paper before someone made some threats and got the print retracted. He was called in to make a report."

"Fuck them for wanting to put someone's private affairs out when they can't even defend themselves. And it wasn't a threat, it was a promise and still stands if that shit gets put in the Prophet or any publication for that matter."

"So you will, what was it? Oh right, burn every motherfucker from the inside out with fiendfyre after performing a crucio so painful their grandchildren will have tremors from it?"

"Something like that."

"Yes, well as impressive of a promise that was, you should be thankful that Harry was able to sweep it under the rug due to duress on your part from the passing of a friend."

"I am always thankful for Potter."

She pauses for a minute at that before regaining control of the conversation, "Do you want to talk about Theodore?"

"Stop calling him Theodore, he hated that shit. It was just Theo. And no I don't want to talk about him, there's nothing to talk about."

"You don't maybe want to talk about your grieving process?"

"There is no process Granger. He died. He lived a fuck up life from the moment his father killed his mum and I was a part of that. If I had been to his house sooner then he would be here. He is in a far better place than I am now so what is there to grieve?"

"You don't honestly believe this was your fault? Theodo…Theo made his choices. He died from an overdose. He made the choice to do too much and unfortunately he did it alone. It's not your faul…"

I sit up ramrod straight, rage filling my veins, "IT IS MY GODDAMNED FAULT! I SHOWED HIM HOW TO DO IT!"

I'm panting from the exertion of screaming and my head starts to swim as I get dizzy from the sudden lack of oxygen. I put my head into my hands and press the heels into my eyes hard enough to make white spots appear as I try to regain my breathing. I can tell my outburst surprised her because she's not moving at all and taking short, calculated breaths as if she will blow me over with one strong exhale. I figure I need to say something before she asks another asinine question.

"Theo only started doing anything because I showed him what it was like. I showed him how to inhale, how to swirl a bowl, how to pick the right vein after the others have been botched. I made sure he only saw me during states of euphoria and not during the times when I was coming down. I showed him how all of the memories and hurt could fade away with one little line. So no, it wasn't the drugs fault that he died. It was mine."

I feel almost as if a small weight has been lifted off my chest. I guess letting emotions out does help sometimes, even if it doesn't fix the situation.

"Draco, nothing I say is going to make you change your beliefs about what happened. You will have to work through all of that with time. Theo's death is tragic and I cannot fathom losing someone so close to me. If it was Harry or Ron, I'd be wondering what I should've done better to save them as well. I do not want you to end up spiraling because of this though. Are you high?"

"Yes Granger I'm high."

"On what?"

"Xanax."

"How have you been sleeping?"

"I haven't."

"You're high on Xanax and haven't been sleeping?"

"Nightmares will do that to you in case you aren't familiar with them, although I would venture to say you are."

She sucks her teeth at that and I can tell I struck a nerve, but I'm not going to apologize. She wants to ask stupid questions she will get stupid answers.

"I'd like you to quit taking the Xanax and let me get you some dreamless sleep so you can rest."

"No thank you Granger, I'm quite fine thank you."

"Quite fine? I'm sorry have you looked in a mirror lately? You are not fine. I have never seen you look like this in all of my years of knowing you and we had to all sleep in the Great Hall at one point. You woke up with perfectly coiffed hair then, so you most certainly are not fine to come in here in any less than steamed trousers, a polo and clean hair."

"You were looking at my hair back then? I didn't know you had the hots for me Granger."

"Oh shut it. You're head was like a beacon that early in the morning. There was no way to not notice it reflecting the sun's rays like some damn lighthouse."

"That's very poetic. I'll have to write that in my journal."

"You've been keeping a journal?"

"Fuck no."

"Well, you should. It's good to be able to go back and see where you were versus where you are. But that can be for another day. For today, I need you to promise me that you are going to go home, take a shower, and get some rest."

She gets up and walks over to the desk and pulls out a bottle of dreamless sleep and puts it in front of me. I just stare at the bottle.

"Malfoy, please tell me you'll rest?"

I look up into her eyes and can see the true concern there. It's unreal that someone so put together like her would have compassion so deep for someone like me.

"Sure, I'll get some rest Granger."

She exhales loudly, "Good. If you don't mind, next week I'd like to move our meeting somewhere else. I don't feel that coming here every week is very instrumental to any healing. I will owl you with the details."

"Sure Granger, sounds grand."

I stand up and grab the bottle off the table and start to make my way to the door.

"Oh and Malfoy?"

I turn and look back at her, she has a small awkward smile on her face as if she's trying to gauge the appropriateness of how happy she can be.

"Happy early birthday. It's tomorrow right?"

"Yeah, it is. Thanks Granger."

I walk out ignoring Potter completely and head home. I do as I'm told and take a shower, feeling slightly better when I get out. I don't look in the mirror because what I might see is probably worse than what I imagine. I take another Xanax and roll a blunt after asking Mipsy to bring me some pizza to eat. Pizza was Theo's favorite. I pour myself a glass of firewhiskey from the bottle I keep in my room and start to smoke. She brings the food and I eat a slice as the munchies start in. After I eat I smoke a cigarette on the balcony, looking over at the peacocks that won't leave despite me not caring for them any longer. I throw down the butt once I realize I've smoked the whole thing and make my way over to my bed. I take a pull from the bottle of dreamless sleep as requested and lay myself down trying to not think of Theo before I shut my eyes.

"Happy fucking birthday indeed."