Chapter 12 – Apologies

I spend the week twacked out of my mind. I stay far away from the heroin though and stick to just meth. I work and clean Theo's manor and work some more and put together details for the damned festival. I meet up with George and Fred and go over some final details as well. They think I'm just stressed over Theo and the plans and so they smoke me out. It's rather nice to have people care like that, but I also think they would never be in the position to care if it weren't for me anyways. It's just a spiral I'm on and hopefully it will end soon without me hitting the ground. I want to just experience the rapture of being high again without all of this emotional pain tagging along.

A tap at the window causes me to jump and drop my cigarette. I quickly grab it off the floor and head to the balcony where there is a rather small reddish owl dotted with white specks. He proffers his leg to me with a note attached and tilts his head as if asking, "mate are you going to take this or what?" I take the letter off and go to get him a treat, but he just ruffles his feathers and takes off, apparently not needing to wait for a response.

As I lean onto the railing finishing my cigarette, I open the letter to find unfamiliar handwriting but whose greeting tells me immediately who the writer is.

Malfoy,

I hope my letter finds you rested and feeling at least slightly better than last week. For today's session, I would like for you to meet me at Hogsmeade. I'll be waiting outside of Honeyduke's.

See you then,

Hermione Granger

Her handwriting is far prettier than I anticipated. I always thought her notes would look like a mad person scrawling something unintelligible as quickly as possible with the amount she took. This looks more like carefully practiced calligraphy, with swirls and loops. Of course she perfected everything else, why not this as well?

I fold the letter and thrown down my cigarette as I walk back into my room. I indulge a little before getting ready in some comfortable clothes that I got out of Theo's closet. He embraced muggle attire and now that I've been trying everything on I can understand why. These pants are just so much more comfortable than my slacks. After making sure my glamours are in place I spin on the spot to the place I haven't been since school.

I take a moment to get my bearings and make sure the spinning is going to actually end. I think maybe I haven't eaten enough but I honestly can't remember. I see that I've landed outside of Zonko's so I start to head over to Honeydukes. As I come down the high road, I see her hair before I see the rest of her. It's in a large knot on top of her head with little frizzies sticking out at all angles. She has a sugar quill between her lips and is sucking on it, obviously not realizing how indecent it makes her look. She pulls it out of her mouth, the tip lingering on her bottom lip, and waves me over.

"Good morning Malfoy. You are looking much better than last week. Smell better too."

"Har har Granger. Yes thank you I am feeling better."

She narrows her eyes at me scrutinizing if I am high or not, "How much 'better' do you feel today?"

"I feel loads 'better' this morning."

She sighs and I go to take out a fag and light it as she speaks, "Well at least you showed up I guess. And you're in muggle clothes. I didn't realize you owned a tele to know about Doctor Who?"

"I'm sorry what?"

"Your shirt has the TARDIS on it."

"This was Theo's shirt. I just got it from his closet."

"Oh. I'm so sorry I didn't reali…"

"It's fine Granger, can we get on with it?"

"Yes, right, ok. First, here's a chocolate frog. I got it for you when I stocked up on my quills."

I look down at the box genuinely perplexed and reach out to take it from her hand, "Why exactly did you get me this?"

"Well, I remember you eating quite a few over the years so I knew you at least liked them. Plus chocolate just makes everything better. I figured being here you could use something like it. If you don't want it then that's fi…"

"Thank you Granger."

My hands are shaking as I open the package and I try to still them as best I can to give her one less thing to pester me about. I anticipate the frog jumping out after years of having to chase on down and grab him the moment the flap opens up. I take a bite as she motions for us to start to walk down the lane.

"Who'd you get?"

"Hmm? Oh," as I try to swallow down the smooth milky chocolate coating my throat. I fumble getting the card out and flip it over and start to laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Did you plan this or something? If you wanted me to have a picture of you, you could've just given me one."

I flip the card over and let her see her own image smiling and waving. There's a short explanation of how she help Potter with the Dark Lord's defeat and is the brightest witch of her age generation.

"How was I to know my card would be in there? I wish they didn't do that at all. Now I keep getting cards of people I already know. Ron's got the whole collection and it's rather odd to see him looking at his own."

"Well this is the first I've gotten so I will cherish it always. I'll put it right on my mantel I will and thank Savior Granger for rescuing us all from the hands of the Dark Lord every night before I fall asleep."

"I didn't save anyone, that was Harry."

"Oh that's a good pile of shit right there. If it weren't for you, him and Weasel would've died first year easily. You were always the smart one, so I know they didn't figure out how to win on their own while you twiddled your thumbs. Also, you were the one who wanted to save me from the fire, not them. So yes, if you're no one else's savior, you are mine."

"Malfoy, was that like a thank you? Let me mark this down, we are really making progress."

I put my hand lightly on her elbow and we stop walking, "Actually, Granger I do need to say something. Thank you for speaking on my behalf at my trial. You did not have to do that, and I cannot say if the roles were reversed I would have done the same. I'm sorry for how I treated you. I'm sorry for the names I called you, for wishing you dead by the basilisk, for making fun of you for wanting to learn, and most certainly for thinking you were ever less. Never at one moment since I've met you have you failed to be anything other than a spectacular witch and I apologize for ever trying to make you think otherwise."

Tears have gathered in her eyes, and she quickly swipes it away, "I appreciate that Malfoy. I accept your apology."

"Good."

She smiles up at me and with a type of joy I've never personally experienced radiating off of her. It takes my breath for a moment until she speaks again, "Good. So keep this momentum for our session activity today."

"I'm sorry, activity?"

"Well yes, you need to be a participant in your therapy which requires more than sitting around talking to me on a couch. It takes action to heal past traumas and to move on to a healthier mindset."

I sigh because of course I should've known Granger to be the application therapist who wants to see change, not just have me tell her about it. I look around as we are just standing in the street, and she is not motioning to go anywhere. I notice that we are standing outside of The Three Broomsticks and a customer walks out, the bell tinkling above their head. It takes me a moment to realize what the significance of standing here has to do with me since I'm not welcome in this establishment any longer.

"Granger, why are we here?"

"I've set up a meeting."

"With?"

For the first time since we've started these meetings she looks nervous, biting a small bit of her bottom lip between her teeth.

"Granger, who with?"

"KatieBellandMadamRosmerta," she says as one word, like that will dull my emotions behind the significance of this meeting that I was not sufficiently prepared for.

"Are you mental? Why would I meet with them?"

"Tell me you have no feelings of regret or remorse for your actions towards them and I'll cancel right now."

I clench my jaw and squeeze my hands into fists at my side at the fact that Miss Know-It-All is right again. What kind of person would I be to not feel regret or remorse? That would make me the monster most want to picture me as. But feeling sorry for my actions and expressing it are two completely different things. I was not raised to show emotion and struggle to do so as just demonstrated. However, I can see that she in correct in thinking that this would help. I would probably feel better if I were able to apologize, even if it's not accepted.

I look back at Granger and nod to her, "Right then. Shall we?"

I open the door for her to enter first, ever the gentleman I am, and scan the room. It looks almost the same as before even though I know repairs had to be done post war. I follow as we walk towards a booth in the back corner, far enough away for privacy but not enough that someone could get hexed without notice. I see Katie and Madame Rosmerta already seated talking softly to each other. Granger motions for me to slide into the seat first, effectively caging me in and looks to both women, who have gone silent, once we are seated.

"Thank you both for agreeing to this meeting. I feel this can be very therapeutic and help towards everyone's healing processes from what you've experienced. I'm here as a facilitator only but I would like this to remain civil despite the circumstances that prompted this. Does everyone agree?"

Madame Rosmerta and Katie Bell both nod although the glare in their eyes do not match the agreement. I also not my head as I put my clasped hands on the table in front of me, making sure there is no reason for either to feel threatened.

"Fantastic. First, I'd like Malfoy to start and then we can continue after he is done. Malfoy, please go ahead."

I breath in through my nose and slowly out my mouth, steeling my nerves for this as my heart tries to burst from my chest. Sweat is gathering at my brow and my hands feel clammy, but this is also because Granger's trapped me in this while also high. I'll do good to not have a fit right here. Looking up into Madame Rosmerta's eyes I finally get to say what I've wanted to for so long now.

"Madame Rosmerta, I am so sorry. I am sorry that I took away your freedom by using that curse on you. I am sorry that I took away a year of your life by holding it on you for so long. I am sorry for infiltrating your mind to and for using you for the purposes that I did. I am sorry for the damage done to this establishment by those that I affiliated myself with and the pain that they caused. I am sorry for any lasting effects that I may have caused because of my actions."

Turning towards Katie, "Katie Bell, I am sorry for my actions towards you. I am sorry for causing you physical pain and for putting you in the position in the first place. I am sorry that the choices made that day almost killed you and I am so thankful that you are strong and made it through. I am sorry for any pain you are still experiencing from that day, both physical and mental. I am sorry that I controlled you into something that could have cost you your life for something you certainly did not believe in. I'm sorry you didn't get to play Quidditch that year, as lame as that sounds. I am sorry I took part of your Hogwarts experience from you and turned it into something vile."

I suck in another calming breath as I try to keep the wetness building in my eyes at bay, "I do not deserve forgiveness from either of you for the transgressions I've committed. None of the reasons I used to hold onto of why I did what I did matter anymore. I was a coward, too afraid to stand up and face death on my own. Both of you are far braver than I could ever hope to be, and I am thankful my actions did not tarnish those parts of you. I truly am sorry for everything, and I hope that one day, what I did towards you will not cause you any more anguish."

I breath out and wipe my brow of the sweat that threatens to spill into my eye. My hands are shaking enough that I have to tighten my grip to keep them from hitting against the table. Granger places her hand on top of mine and gives a reassuring squeeze, the warmth of her palm grounding me, and I look up to meet the two witches gazes once more.

"Now that Malfoy has finished, do either of you have any questions? Or anything you'd like to say that you've been holding in?"

Katie Bell is quick to respond, "Why me? Out of everyone in the school why did you choose me?"

This takes me by surprise but makes sense to question. "You were the first one to go to the bathroom alone."

"So there was nothing I did that made you seek me out? It was random?"

"Yes it was completely random. If someone else had come alone first, it would've been them instead."

She runs her tongue across her top teeth as she continues, "I've held resentment towards you since I found out you were the cause of that day. I don't think you will ever understand the pain that curse caused me. I never liked you and your actions made me despise you in a way I did not think was possible. I will admit I was pissed when you didn't go to Azkaban. I wanted nothing more for you to rot in that cell and feel maybe a smidgen of the pain that I did. Then Hermione calls me about speaking to you and, honestly, I dreamed of what curse to bestow on you."

She sighs as she reaches out to take my hand into hers, "But I have to say I am glad I came today and listened. I will not say that I am over it completely, but hearing you sincerely apologize was more than I ever expected from you. I will be able to move forward now in my own counseling and I appreciate you for that. I forgive you Malfoy."

Tears are flowing down my face as she squeezes my hand. I haven't cried like this in so long and body is wracked with release I am feeling. Madame Rosmerta stands and moves Granger out of the way to sit beside me and take me into a fierce hug, catching me by surprise.

"I forgave you long ago boy. I know you didn't have a choice, but hearing you say it does put a balm on my heart. You can surely raise your family from the ashes now that you are man enough to own up to your wrongs, unlike your father. I cannot wait to see what you do. You are most certainly welcome back to visit anytime darling."

I am openly crying now, full on ugly snot crying, as she cradles me in her bosom and Katie rubs her thumb over my hand. Granger is sniffling as she stands next to the table, and I try to gather myself as best as I can.

"Thank you both so much for agreeing to meet with me. I appreciate it and I promise I will do everything in my power to be better than I was."

They both rise and I do as well, and we each embrace in a cathartic hug releasing so much built-up pain. Madame Rosmerta announces she has to get back to work and bids me to visit again soon. Katie also has to go and thanks me again quietly and heads out. Granger motions for me to follow her outside as well. When I step out the fresh air forces me to take big gulping breaths as my mind catches up with what my heart just released from my soul. I double over as I start to breath rapidly and my body begins to shake.

"Malfoy. Draco," her arms are on my shoulders pulling me straight up, "look at me. Draco look into my eyes. Breath with me."

It takes a good ten breaths, but I finally start to calm, Granger again grounding me from my sudden panic attack. Her eyes staring deeply at me, with different shades of brown seeming to swirl together like a kaleidoscope in concern over my actions. She lowers her arms to her side once my breathing evens out and a bright smile slowly forms on her face.

"Well, I say that was a success. You did amazing! I am so proud of you Draco! You were genuine and gave them healing they could never get otherwise. It takes a special type of man to apologize with such sincerity as you just did."

Proud. I cannot remember the last time someone was genuinely proud of me. It's almost enough to make me cry again. But instead I take a second to occlude, creating a new book in my library to hold these emotions and healing thoughts. Even reform and change takes organization in the mind.

I shake myself slightly as I look at Granger's bright teeth gleaming at me, truly happy for me. "Thank you for this Granger. I appreciate the effort you put in for this to happen today."

"You are very welcome. So next week, can we meet at Fred and George's? I am helping them with some last-minute things for Saturday and I imagine you'll have some things to do as well."

"Yes, most definitely. I will see you then Granger."

She hesitates a moment before giving me a quick hug, "Great job today Malfoy. See you next week!"

As fast as the hug, she disapparates leaving me gaping like a fish in the middle of the street. I gather myself and head home with a pop. Once inside I head up to my room, feeling a headache coming on, probably a combination from the time between my last hit and the stress my body just went through. I lay on my bed and close my eyes, relishing in the fact hat I have two less people in the world that hate me. For the first time in forever, I slowly slip into unassisted contented unconsciousness with a slightly lighter heart.