"Maybe I fell in love with a version of him that didn't exist."

Namrata Gupta, Lost Love Late Love

Jade

I admire myself in the latest Fendi Spring/Summer Collection of lingerie inspired dress with off the shoulder winged sleeves that fell well past by hands. My long dark hair was swept back in a tight ponytail, and straightened to pinpoint perfection. I let the make-up artist poke and prod and blush my face to their heart's content. I'm not in the head space to really fight back or even be a bitch to them.

My audition did not go well.

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4 hours earlier

I nervously walk out on the stage, moving to the very front. I take off my bag and set it down in front of me and make my way to the back. I have been practicing this number night and day and I'm really nervous. Is this too much? Am I doing too much? Maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should only sing.

No! I have to go all in. Is this or nothing, I can't risk being reserved, I need them to remember me, to think of me. I turn and face the casting directors.

"Hi, my name is Jade West and I'm auditioning for the role of Mimi. Today I will be singing for you, "Holding Out for A Hero." I turn to look at the pianist and nod. They nod back and start playing. I take a deep breath and start singing.

"Where have all the good men gone

And where are all the gods?"

I start incorporating the choreography into the routine, making sure that I hit every mark and that my voice is loud and clear and strong.

"Where's the streetwise Hercules

To fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed" I make my way to my bag and pull out the small rolled whip. You got this. You are Jade Marie West. You fucking got this.

Late at night, I toss and I turn

And I dream of what I need

I need a hero" I snap the whip on the stage, feeling as every bit of dominatrix that I know that I am.

"I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night

He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast

And he's gotta be fresh from the fight"

I keep going and going serving, werking, giving it every single ounce that I have. When the performance is over, I hear no applause, no sounds. I look up at them and they are only writing down notes. I place a firm mask over my face.

"Thank you Ms. West, we'll be in touch." Someone says. I can't tell who because of the lights and the tears forming behind my eyes.

I swallow thickly and thank them for their time and rush out of there.

I think of everything and anything that I can.

They didn't like me.

Present

The feeling of failure cloaks me like a familiar blanket. Christ, I am so tired of being such a fucking failure.

I really didn't want to come to this dumb, stupid, fucking event. But Giselda already bought this incredibly, expensive dress, how she'd manage to swing that, I have no fucking idea. But being a former model who would walk the runways for these designers must have something to do with it.

She is also wearing a newly, unreleased item, looking like a fucking angel draped in lace and flowers, her beautifully golden hair all pinned to one side of her head and a cascade of curls tumbling over her shoulder.

I know why she went all out with our outfits. Its the capture the attention of the other women attending. They will know exactly what we are wearing and they will be clawing at her to gain the connections that she has so that at their own events that they throw, maybe she'll be able to snag a rare, designer item for them to display and prove to their peers that they are better.

It's all very sickening and disgusting.

But tis the life of a socialite.

"Jadey, you are absolutely gorgeous. I didn't know it was possible for you to be even more stunning than you already are." Giselda gushes, beaming brightly. I mumble a reply as I make my way out of the door and towards the rooftop of the Elsie building. Giselda is right behind me.

"Remember to be on your best behavior. I need this to go exceptionally well."

"How can it not be with us wearing a full year of tuition for NYU on our bodies?"

"You know how many people out there would ring our necks for these dresses? A lot and nearly all of them will be here tonight."

"You are deceptively evil." I give her a small grin. "Using people's own insecurities against them all to get your party planning business off the ground?"

"Event planning, and yes, I'm banking on those very insecurities to make this a success so go out there and do what you do best and make everyone feel bad about themselves. I even have a little surprise set up for you later."

"Please don't let it be Nathaniel," I whined. I'm really not in the mood for his particular brand of misogyny.

"Be good and you'll find out." I roll my eyes and enter to the rooftop. There are white jasmines, roses and wisteria that decorate the rooftop. Busboys carrying a different array of foods and drinks ensure that everyone is well fed and hydrated with specialty cocktails and champagne floats about. I snag a white drink off the tray of a busboy walking by and take a sip. Idk what it is, but it's delicious and I have to stop myself from downing it in a single gulp.

I walk around and take in the scenery around me. This doesn't seem like a gathering that my father would want me at. There are way too many people in designer suits and dresses designed to make their massive wealth unassuming, draped with expensive, low key jewelry. These people are all very important.

Why on earth am I here? He normally doesn't invite me to things like this.

I glance at Giselda and I see that she is already surrounded by a herd of people, desperate to ask about her clothing but not daring to. She catches my eye and gives me one of her dazzling smiles. She's behind this. She is the reason why I am here. That beautiful, conniving bitch. I am willing to bet my entire trust fund that she knew that I would have an audition today, knowing that my mind would be preoccupied with that to the point where I wouldn't feel the need to embarrass dad. She needed me here to be just another one of her props, wearing extremely exclusive designer clothing to show not only does she have the connections and pull to get herself clothes, but others that are in her inner circle as well. Not only that, but these people get a chance to gawk at Mr. West's elusive, foul mouth daughter on her best behavior.

She's a genius.

I would fuck everything all the way up for her. Prove to her that I'm not some fucking pawn that she can play for her own benefit, however, she's made plans for that as well. She has something promised for me that she's being secretive about. Something that if I'm on my best behavior, I will get to have.

I'm intrigued enough to behave just for that.

I notice the eyes on me, taking in my appearance. I see the jealousy in the eyes of people who gaze upon me. She was right, there are so many people here who would gladly push me off the rooftop of this building just to get inside this dress. I give them my most dazzling smile. Eat it up whores. I would gladly jump off this roof just to leave this fucking terrible function. I wonder how long I would have to be here until I'm able to leave.

I regret so much not caving in to Jalisa's will and considering moving in with her. If she was here, I would have a shitton more fun. Doesn't matter. I didn't get the role anyways, there's really no need for me to move to Manhattan.

Fuck I'm so sad.

"My, my as I live and breathe, its the famous Jade West. Can I please have an autograph?" I take a deep breath and close my eyes, preparing for the wicked bitch of the south.

"My, my Betty Jo, how have you been? I haven't seen you in what feels like a month of Sundays, and still somehow, it's still too soon." I plaster a bright, fake smile on my face, knowing my imitation of her accent annoys her to no end.

"My name is not Betty Jo, but knowing how you Hollywood types have a certain dependency on drugs and liquor, I'll have to forgive your short term memory." She comes into my field of vision, strawberry blonde hair piled high on her head, a sleek and sleeveless, shimmery white lace dress hugging her ample curves, with a nude color shawl draped around her shoulders. Her bright green eyes are full of the type of amusement a psychopath would show while torturing an animal or small child.

"Awe, even if it wasn't for the drugs, I still wouldn't remember your name, you're just not that important to my day to day life."

"So how is school going? Have you gotten your degree in being a stagehand yet? Or are you still scraping the bottom of the barrel for roles as nameless, voiceless extra number 4?"

"I'm actually working on a Bachelors in Filmography, I heard that you were working on your M.R.S, how is that going for you?" She lifts her left hand and wiggle her fingers, a gorgeous diamond sparkling on her ring finger.

"I did recently get engaged, nice to know that while you may not remember my name, you are keeping tabs on me," she states, giving me a superior smile. Shit, I was just talking out of my ass. How I was supposed to know that someone would actually, willfully marry this vapid bitch?

"I suppose that congratulations are in order, you really do make lying on your back an art form."

Before she has a chance to speak, a few people come towards us to join the conversation. Just what I need.

"Jade, how wonderful it is to see you, and Charlene, I hear that you are getting married, congratulations!" I have no idea who this woman is.

"Awe, Mrs. Davenport you are so kind," gone is the malice and viciousness that was present in her voice moments ago, Charlene has completely transformed into a sweet, mild manner, perfect socialite that she's been groomed for her entire life. She flashes brilliantly white rows of teeth in true beauty pageant fashion.

Long ago, she already found out that I cared nothing of her status, or wealth, and that there was nothing that she would be able to gain from me. So she dropped all pretenses of being poised and graceful and just always struck with an intense amount of venom. It's fine, because unlike her, I want absolutely nothing to do with any of these people or their gross amount of wealth and I take any and every opportunity to make them feel uncomfortable as possible.

"I knew that ever since you came out you would have your choice of the fellas. Your coming out party was absolutely divine and you wore the most gorgeous dress. I think it was a handmade piece by Donatella Versace herself."

"Oh you give me too much praise. I just wanted everyone to enjoy themselves, and the dress was a gift from Donatella herself. She's like an aunt to me."

"It was absolutely stunning, a piece that should be in a museum. I can't wait to see how you will out do yourself for your wedding." She gushes. I catch a slight tick in Charlene's face, and I smile brilliantly. "And Jade," the windbag turns her attention to me. "This dress is an absolute dream. I can't believe that you and Giselda are both wearing these off the runway, Fendi pieces. They are absolutely to die for. That and this magnificent party, I definitely know who I am planning my next event."

"Yes, Giselda has many talents and event planning seems to be another one." I give a smile as big and fake as Charlene's. "Excuse me, I have to go the the powder room," I state with a fake country twang that makes the old lady's smile falter and I walk off.

I am starting to get amped up. How long have I been here and is it long enough for me to leave yet?

I look around for Giselda and spot her surrounded by people. I make my way to her and I stop short when I see my father come up and slide an arm around her waist, planting a small, chaste kiss on her forehead. Ugh. If there is anyone that I can't stand more than the people that come to this shitty event, its my father. I really don't want to have to fucking deal with him, his questions, his looks, or his breathing.

A waiter floats by me with a different array of white drinks and I grab one.

If I'm going to have to be here, I might as well get drunk.

My mind goes back to my audition and I feel shame and failure wash over me all over again. I really don't want to linger on this. I don't want to sit in the stupor of failure. But I can't shake it. My heart is broken. I have been trying and trying…

I'm not good enough.

I don't deserve it.

I'm a shitty person and I've always done shitty things…

I really fucking hate you right now.

You fucking ruined everything.

You fucking ruined us.

I hate you Jade West.

Yea, I don't deserve anything good.

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An hour has passed and I know that I have done my due diligence of being a decent daughter and prop for this fucking event. If another person comes up to me and asks about my studies, I swear to Satan that I will grab the sharpest thing near me and slice them from throat to pelvis.

I don't care how attached to the hip that my dad is with Giselda, I have to go.

I make my way to her and her ever growing crowd of groupies. Before I can open my mouth to say anything, Giselda focuses on me and smiles.

"Jade! Perfect timing!" Oh no. "The surprise that I have for you is here. Could you be an absolute doll and go downstairs to meet them?"

I fix my mouth to tell her to shove her surprise up my father's ass and blow him. But she has this glint in her eyes and I'm intrigued. Just what does this bitch have up her sleeves?

I give her a smile, letting her know that if this surprise is a waste of my time, I will cause a scene.

I make my way through the throngs of people, so many more have come since we made our entrance. Journalists, and photographers are littered throughout. I ignore the sounds of people calling my name, solely focused on the mission of seeing whatever surprise that she has in store for me.

I reach the doors of the rooftop and-

Holy.

Fucking.

Christ.

This is unreal. This is totally unreal.

"Hey Jade. Long time no see."

What the actual fuck?

"Andre?'