When I came back to Twelve, I was expecting my mother to join me. My hopes were soon crushed when Haymitch gave me her letter. She wrote she wasn't coming, but she wanted me to call her.
I didn't. What kind of mother chooses to abandon her last remaining daughter when she needs her so much? I despised her more than ever before.
Haymitch didn't show up, probably because he was too busy getting drunk at his own home, so I knew he also abandoned me. And Peeta... I didn't even know if I would ever see him again.
I chose to die. But this decision annoyed me, since Gale once implied that, between them, I would choose the one I couldn't survive without. There I was, having none of them at all and choosing not to survive. This memory made me so angry that it occasionally shook my decision not to live anymore. On those days, I would accept whatever food Greasy Sae would feed me.
Greasy Sae always came and wouldn't allow me to die. Although I had always liked her, I was suspicious. Was she being paid by the government to keep me alive? Just in case, I decided not to consider her a real companion. It was better not to expect anything from anyone.
One day I realized I was blaming others for abandoning me, when in fact I wouldn't actually allow anyone to reach me. Maybe I unconsciously decided to be a victim, I thought one day. People knocked, the phone rang and the letters piled. But I wasn't even curious about those, because I knew no one I actually cared about would ever call or write to me again.
But Peeta came, and I was shocked to find him planting primroses outside. The conversation was short, as my apathy of the last months turned, at that moment, into a sudden urge to scream, and cry, and live, or whatever it was, but I didn't want him to see me scream, cry, or live, or whatever I wanted to do. I didn't know if he still hated me or not, and it didn't matter too much. I knew at that moment that I would survive.
Going home, I had my first bath in months, I hunted, I visited the ashes of the district and talked to the rebuilding workers. I even called my mother. Many people were returning to the district. Thom, Gale's old crewmate, who had been in Thirteen with me, told me about the upcoming election for the mayor. He just didn't mention he was running for it, and I didn't care to vote, so it came as a shock when, a week later, he was elected.
Peeta started having breakfast with me, bringing a loaf of bread, cheesebuns and occasionally blueberry muffins. We didn't actually talk, for he would make conversation with Greasy Sae and I would just sit there, feeling ashamed of myself. I knew everything that had happened to him was my fault and I didn't know why he was even back. Of course, his house was here.
One day, after Greasy Sae left and we were left sitting there, looking at each other in silence, Peeta asked me softly: "Why didn't you reply to my letter?"
Embarrassed, I looked at the pile of letters and he followed my gaze. "I'm sorry. I just didn't realize you had written."
He nodded, giving me a knowing look, "I understand."
"Why did you come back?", I asked.
He smiled, "Where should I go? This is where I belong. I want to help rebuild the district. I've been baking bread for the construction workers so far. And for Haymitch and you, of course. But I want to do more."
I realized I wanted him to be back for me. How stupid of me to even ask. I nodded and excused myself. I had to go hunting.
Some days later, I decided to look for his letter in the pile. Instead, I found a letter from the mayor, which read:
"Ms. Katniss Everdeen,
It is with pleasure we announce you will be paired in the ambit of the initiative Repopulate Twelve.
The names of all single women and men between ages 18 and 45 and residing in district Twelve will enter the selection pool. After the pairing is chosen, you will be lawfully married.
We ask you to visit the justice building next Friday the 17th by 10am in order to be paired.
Note: If you wish to get married to someone of your choice, please contact us."
I couldn't read more before I set the letter on fire. I was livid. Really, another reaping? Who were they to tell me what to do after everything?
