Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Eater
This chapter has everybody's favorite character just to forewarn you all.
Kid travelled down the dimly lit cavern. His skateboard hovering mere inches above the water lining the tunnel's floor. The hum of the vehicle echoed loudly against the stone walls of the cave. Patty and Liz were holstered in their weapon forms. An umbrella was held in one hand to protect his symmetrical suit from any drops of water coming from above.
"You know it's not too late to turn back." Liz's voice came from her weapon form. Kid sighed, defeated.
"I've already told you, we've no choice but to convince Excalibur to hand over the medallion to us." He explained. "That said, I'm not expecting our task to be easy. The Holy Sword is notorious for being quite… obstinate." He said with the trademark grimace.
"That's putting it lightly." Liz replied with the same expression. All three party members reminisced unpleasantly about their run ins with the Holy Sword.
"At the very least, we should warn Excalibur about the threat of Pantheon. Stuck in this cave as he is, I doubt he knows about the danger." Kid reasoned.
"Even if he did know would he be able to protect himself?" Liz asked curiously. "I mean, I know he's probably the strongest weapon in the world. But he's still a weapon. Can he do anything without a meister?" She wondered. Kid frowned in contemplation.
In essence, his partner did speak the truth. Despite his immensely powerful abilities, Excalibur has never displayed any of them outside of his weapon form. It seemed that his only natural defense was his incredibly insufferable personality. His absurd demands coupled with his pretentious holier than thou attitude served to keep most would be seekers of glory away. In fact it was the whole reason why Kid felt the need to get the medallion from the sword. If Excalibur was unable to keep it safe, then it would mean Pantheon would become one step closer to their goal. And that was something he simply could not allow.
"I don't know Liz." He finally answered. "But he was one of my father's 8 chosen warriors." He reasoned. "Hopefully, he'll understand the situation and allow us to help him." He finally said.
"Sis…" Patty's strained voice called out, interrupting their discussion.
"What is it Patty?" the elder Thompson sister asked.
"Is this gonna take long? I really need to go to the bathroom." Patty answered, her pink hued vision holding her knees together.
"I thought I told you to go before we left?" Liz spoke in an exasperated tone.
"Yeah, but I didn't have to go then." Patty explained.
"Well then you're gonna have to hold it." She replied. "Unless you want to go in the cave." She said.
"Eww no! That cave water is nasty." Patty replied. But their argument was interrupted as Kid spoke up.
"Quiet gals, we're approaching." Kid said.
True to his word, the threesome found themselves in a brightly lit circular area of the cave. Light shone down from an opening in the ceiling, reflecting against the damp walls of the cavern and bathing the surroundings in glimmering colors. A central raised platform occupied the majority of the floor. Kid set down on the platform and his weapon partners transformed back to humans. His hoverboard disappeared into its compact container which he discretely put away. Their target lied directly ahead of them, jutting straight out from the center of the stone floor. A golden sword with incredible detail and shining gloriously in the light.
"Excalibur, we've come to talk with you about something incredibly important." Kid called out as the three approached the holy sword. They received no response however, only the sound of water dripping from stalactites. A moment passed, and Kid cleared his throat.
"Excalibur, please we have serious matters to discuss with you." He repeated. But still no reply came from the Holy Sword. Kid pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Liz's head dropped back with a defeated sigh. And Patty fidgeted nervously, shifting her weight from one leg to the other.
"Weclome!" Finally came a booming voice, echoing around the cavern. "Who seeks to become champion and wield the legendary sword?" The voice asked. Withholding a grunt of annoyance Kid answered.
"We are not here seeking to become your partner. We've come to ask something of you." Kid replied.
A momentary flash of golden light blinded the trio. When the light faded it revealed the diminutive figure of Excalibur, standing proudly. His cane held in both his hands in front of him. His Victorian style clothes wrinkle and stain free. The top hat sat squarely upon his head. With a swift motion, Excalibur pointed his cane up at Kid nearly jabbing him in the chest.
"Fool!" He cried out earnestly. "Who are you to demand anything of the great and legendary holy sword Excalibur?" He interrogated. Kid raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"I am the new Shinigami-sama. You were there when," Kid began to explain but was cut off.
"Fool!" Excalibur shouted. "My legend begins in the 12th century!" He declared proudly. Beside Kid, Liz rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Here we go," She said. Undeterred though, Kid pushed on.
"My name is Death the Kid. I am the new god of death. I took over when my father passed. You were a close ally to my father don't you remember?" Kid asked.
"Of course I remember." Excalibur stated.
"Then why did you demand to know who we were?" Kid asked in a deadpan tone.
"Fools!" He shouted.
"You did not announce your presence to me correctly." He stated, beginning to walk away. Kid began to apologize but was again interrupted by the long snouted figure. "I am a noble knight you know. Would you like to hear my tales of valor?" He asked with a flourish of his cane.
"We don't have time to," Kid began.
"What is time but an illusion?" Excalibur asked, twirling his cane.
"Ugggghhh" Patty groaned. She ran her fingers down her face, dragging her eyelids and cheeks downward in an expression of exasperation. "Don't you have a bathroom anywhere around here? I really need to go." She said dancing on the spot.
"Only I am allowed access to the bathroom." Excalibur replied. "However, if you were to sign the contract and agree to its stipulations, I may permit you to use it." He said while taking out a long scroll from under his top hat. "You must agree to leave no mess, wash your hands with soap and water for no less than 5 minutes, and scrub each surface clean with a toothbrush." He read aloud. Patty gritted her teeth and clenched her fists. Liz was able to hold her back however. "Additionally, patrons are limited to 2 squares of toilet paper and only allowed to use lilac scented air fresheners." The sword continued undisturbed. "Rose scented air fresheners may be permitted provided a bouquet of roses is put on display. However, said roses must be removed before they wilt." Excalibur continued with his ridiculous demands.
"Never mind all that." Kid finally interrupted. "We're here on important business Excalibur." He said seriously. Excalibur rolled up the scroll and placed it back under his top hat.
"I presume you wish me to hand over my medallion?" He said. Kid was shocked.
"Yes, how did you know?" He asked bewildered.
"Fool! I keep myself informed by reading only the finest in newspaper journals, as stipulated in my contract." Excalibur said.
"So then you know about Pantheon?" Liz asked, hand on her hip.
"Of course." Excalibur said prancing about them. As he circled them, Patty glared hatefully whilst bent over and holding her knees together.
"Then you know why we need that medallion." Kid surmised.
"Fool! I can't simply give the medallion away to anyone!" He exclaimed. "Not even to you Shinigami." He said pointing his cane at Kid.
"Well why not? Surely you realize what's at stake here?" Kid asked unbelieving.
"My medallion is a grave responsibility which must be taken seriously. Only those I deem worthy can handle it, lest they become overtaken by its madness." He explained in a rare moment of lucidity.
"So how does one go about being deemed worthy?" Kid asked, willing to play along for now.
"I am glad you asked." Excalibur said. He then pulled out another list from his back pocket. At the sight of it the faces of all three fell. Patty in particular, with her hands covering her crotch, threw her head back with a loud groan. "I have prepared a list of 77 criteria that an individual must meet for me to bequeath the medallion to them." He said. Liz face palmed at the admission. Patty fell to her hands and knees in desperation, banging a closed fist against the stony floor. Kid's eyebrow twitched in annoyance.
"Firstly, a candidate must be between the height of four foot ten and six foot two." He announced reading off the list. "A candidate must also have never set foot in the state of Delaware." He continued. "Third, a candidate must be able to make an acceptable souffle from scratch." Excalibur continued to read off the list. Each requirement became more absurd than the last. As they listened to the sword's demands, their hearts and souls became heavy. It was as if the simple act of listening to Excalibur was driving them insane. By the time they had reached the sixteenth requirement, Kid had enough.
"Forget about this." He said finally. "There has to be a way you can give the medallion to one of us." He said. "Your demands are irrational." He claimed.
"Fool! These criteria were passed down from generation to generation. They go as far back as the 12th century, where they were first written by the knights of the round table!" Excalibur spoke.
"That doesn't even make sense!" Kid retorted.
As Kid and Excalibur argued with one another, Patty pulled at her hair in desperation. Her bladder was full to bursting and she needed to relieve the pressure soon. She couldn't hold it much longer and her entire body shook with effort as she wrapped her arms around herself. The voices echoed in the chamber, dissolving into a meaningless bleating of noises and sounds. She had decided enough was enough. Standing up slowly, she made her way over to Excalibur, her head bowed and face obscured by her hair. She grabbed him by the collar and raised him up to her eye level. She stared straight into his eyes; her gaze full of piercing fury. Excalibur actually began to sweat as she wordlessly glared at him.
"LISTEN UP YOU STUPID FREAK! YOU'RE GONNA GIVE US THAT MEDALLION RIGHT NOW OR I'M GONNA WRING YOUR NECK SO HARD THAT YOUR HEAD WILL POP OFF! GOT IT?!" Patty screamed.
A moment of stunned silence took over the room as all its occupants stared at Patty's outburst. Finally, a nervous Excalibur relented.
"Right, here you go." He said simply as he removed the medallion from his person and handed it over to Patty. The weapon took the offered medallion and abruptly dropped Excalibur.
"Great! Thank you! C'mon Kid we got what we came for so let's go!" She said angrily and stormed off. Liz and Kid stood stock still, mouths agape at what had just transpired. Excalibur simply dusted himself off, seemingly oblivious.
"How did you -? But, why-?" Kid stammered looking back and forth between Excalibur and Patty. His question went unanswered by Excalibur who simply turned around and began walking away.
"Come on Kid! We got the stupid thingy so let's go! I've gotta pee!" Patty shouted petulantly, waiting on her meister and her sister. Kid looked desperately towards Liz for some sort of answer. Liz however, shrugged her shoulders and walked over to join her sister. Realizing that he was unlikely to get a satisfactory answer he joined his partners and looked over at the medallion. Patty was already wearing it around her neck but it seemed to be an afterthought as she was dancing from toe to toe in agony. The medallion looked like all the others he had seen so far. It was a circular piece of bronze metal. Them emblem decorating it was a picture of flame, drawn in such a way that it seemed alive, the embers dancing in the light. He had no further time to examine it however, as Patty insisted they leave at once.
Once outside and safely on the ground, Patty immediately rushed behind a boulder, presumably to relieve herself. Several minutes passed as they waited for her to finish. When she finally reemerged she seemed much happier and calmer than she had before.
"Whew, I feel so much better now." She giggled to herself.
"Great, so can we go now? I've got a headache already from listening to that guy." Liz complained. But before they could transform to weapons they were interrupted by Kid.
"Patty, where's the medallion?" He asked seriously.
"Huh?" Patty asked innocently.
"The medallion? That was around your neck. That we just got from Excalibur. Where is it?" He asked urgently.
"Oh! Umm…" Patty tilted her head curiously. The medallion which had previously hung around her neck had mysteriously disappeared. She began patting her chest and her pockets. She turned around looking in her immediate vicinity as though she had dropped it. Suddenly she ran back around to the boulder she hid behind. Liz and Kid followed behind. She pointed to a small shelf formed by the stone of the boulder.
"I put it right there!" She said earnestly. "But its not there anymore." She said confused. With a growing look of terror on his face, Kid ordered the sisters to spread out and search for the medallion. In a blind panic he began looking under rocks, flipping stones over and digging in the dirt. They didn't get very far in their search though. It was as if the medallion had disappeared into thin air. "This is impossible. Where could it have gone?" Kid asked aloud.
"Yoohoo! Is this what you're looking for?" They were interrupted by a feminine voice, taunting them from high above. The trio looked skyward and saw a witch sitting astride a broom. She wore a stereotypical witch's hat and had long black hair that was dyed red at the bottom. She wore a black silk coat with feathers lining the cuffs and collar. A red and black striped corset hugged her curves and a pair of black dress pants clung to her legs. A pair of black high heels completed her look. Her face was incredibly lovely, accentuated by makeup and red lipstick. Her winged eyeliner extended to her temples. Her expression was one of feigning disinterest but was barely concealing giddiness. She held up the medallion in the air, mocking the trio down below.
"Lady Tengu." Kid said menacingly.
"So pleased to make your acquaintance Shinigami." She said sarcastically. "I must thank you for retrieving this elegant piece for me. I knew I could count on you to convince that insufferable sword to give up his medallion." She said playing with it in her hands. "It goes so well with my outfit don't you think?" She said sinisterly.
"You used us…" Kid said as realization suddenly hit him. "You used us to get the medallion. You were planning on stealing it from us since the very beginning." He said accusingly.
"Oh I thought I made that clear already?" She said demurely.
"So why stick around to gloat?" Kid asked. "You could have stolen the medallion and been on your way with us none the wiser." He noted. Lady Tengu smiled and laughed hysterically.
"That's simple, I wanted to see the look on your face as you realized you were outsmarted by a witch." She gloated. She lifted the medallion up to her face and observed it closely. "With this medallion, we're one step closer to building a new world." She taunted. "It will be a new world where your influence will be nothing but a bad dream. A world where witches will be free of persecution." She said spreading her arms wide.
"We've already made that world." Kid shouted up. "Shibusen and the witches are at peace now. Why can't you accept that?" He questioned. Lady Tengu's face twisted into an ugly expression of rage.
"And what about the hundreds of witches that have died in the fight against DWMA? Do they know peace as well?" She screamed. "What about all those that have suffered because they didn't fit in your order?" She demanded with an angry wave of her hand. "I will never forgive you or your kind for all that you've done." She seethed through gritted teeth.
"Then I suppose we can't resolve this peacefully." Kid said before suddenly firing up at her. The witch dodged the bullets swiftly, reappearing on her broom behind them. She swiped her hand through the air in retaliation. Streaks of black and red energy emitted from her crimson fingernails shot out at Kid. The Shinigami dodged the arcs of energy, flipping away as they dug into the ground where he had been standing. He circled back towards her, firing a barrage of bullets.
"Kuro – Kurrow – Crow" She chanted, weaving her spell. A murder of crows emerged from the feathers on her blouse, flocking together into a massive writhing black shield. The shield took the brunt of the bullet fire, the purple shots bouncing harmlessly off its surface. All of a sudden, the sound of gunfire disappeared. Lady Tengu dropped the shield, turning it into a mass of individual crows once more. She searched the ground below but curiously saw no sign of the Shinigami.
Her eyes widened and she looked up just in time to see Kid about to land a swinging kick to her head. She dropped from the sky, narrowly dodging the strike and hovering at a lower altitude on her broom. Kid floated above her, four skulls surrounding him and acting as makeshift jet packs. He dove down at her, firing off his twin pistols. Lady Tengu sped off, leaving a trail of red and black energy trailing behind her broom.
The pair began a mid-air dogfight. Kid firing his twin pistols at the witch. Lady Tengu, responding by throwing black feather projectiles at the god of death. They twisted and weaved between each other's shots. They rocketed through the air at speeds near impossible to track. The air rushed by them, kicking up dust and wind as they sped around each other. Kid stopped short in the air, knowing he was unable to catch up to the witch. But Lady Tengu was not eager to escape and turned back around to launch a flurry of feather projectiles at him. But Kid hovered in the air steadfast. He narrowly dodged the speedy projectiles, all while his resonance rate with his partners rose.
An aura surrounded him, sparking with energy. His twin pistols transformed and elongated into hand cannons surrounding his forearms. He slowly raised his arms, the energy charging up in his weapons. Lady Tengu was headed straight for him, unable to turn away or dodge in time. She could only watch in terror as the death god fired off twin beams of enormous energy. The lasers shot out and twirled around each other, joining into one massive column of energy. The blast hit her dead on and a burning sound filled the air. Moments passed and the beam eventually scattered but nothing seemed to be left from Lady Tengu.
"Did you really think I'd fall for such an obvious trap?" Came her voice from behind. Kid twisted around in shock. Several meters behind him Lady Tengu floated unscathed. She gave a short little wave before a swirling black mass appeared before her. Kid raced to catch her, but he wasn't fast enough. Lady Tengu disappeared into the swirling void without a single trace. Defeated, Kid slumped to the ground. He clenched his fist in frustration as Liz and Patty returned to normal.
"Damn it!" He shouted.
"How did she avoid our attack?" Liz wondered.
"She must have used some sort of illusion." Kid surmised. "More importantly, she's made off with the medallion." He said pacing back and forth in frustration. "This is your fault Patty!" He rounded on the younger sister. "Why didn't you keep a closer eye on the medallion?!" He accused her. Patty stared at him in shock, before tears began to well in her eyes. A second later she began sobbing uncontrollably. Through her tears, half mumbled words of apology and disappointment could be heard.
"Hey!" Liz chastised. "Don't you yell at my younger sister!" She pointed as she put an arm around Patty protectively. The younger girl buried her head into her sister's arm still sobbing. "Besides, we wouldn't be in this mess if you had listened to me and left Excalibur alone." She said. Kid's face softened into an expression of guilt and regret. "You're right." He said falling to his knees. "This is all my fault. I'm an utter failure!" He shouted. Liz quickly looked back at him. "No that's not what I," she began. But it was too late. Kid had already fallen into his age-old habit of self-deprecation. "I'm garbage, a useless pathetic excuse for a Shinigami." He despaired. Liz looked back and forth between her sobbing sister and self-loathing meister and sighed dramatically.
"How come I'm the only one that ever acts like an adult around here." She cried.
I hope you guys liked that chapter. I had a really fun time writing Excalibur, he is actually one of my favorite characters. I hope I did him justice. Also, of course Patty would be the one worthy of the Medallion of Rage. Besides being almost as childish as Excalibur she also has those moments of dark outbursts and promised violence. Until next time!
