A/n: Guys, if you're still with me, thank you. In this chapter (which is a long chapter, you're welcome), both Keith and Lance stop being such idiots for once. Or, at least they realise that they are idiots in this chapter, so prepare for some angst but also some comfort. Btw this starts off at when the rest of the team intervene after the fight from the last chapter, just in case it might be a bit confusing. Also, the last chapter and this one may have gotten/be borderline Keith/Lance. I wrote it as a platonic relationship (since i don't ship) however if you ship them, then i have no problems with you reading it as a slash, (just thought i should add that in there).

Anyway, go ahead and start reading bc I have a bit of a surprise at the end. ;)


Keith

He hadn't been listening at all when Shiro had been talking to him, the man trying to be stern but evidently concerned at the same time. It reminded him of when he'd get into fights with other kids at school or cadets at the academy.

He'd always felt bad about pulling Shiro into it, who for his part acted exactly the same way each time, always making sure Keith knew what he'd done was wrong but also concerned about him too, in case he'd gotten hurt, why he'd lashed out in the first place, the usual.

Unlike usual for him though, he didn't listen. He was too busy glancing at Lance to check he was okay because he'd tried his best not to actually hurt the guy but he was sure there'd still be a few bruises on him and the guy was also crying on the floor against the wall which Keith felt a little bad about.

Yes, it wasn't his fault entirely, but it probably partially was. He'd purposely provoked the guy, knowing full well what it would likely mean for him even if he hadn't exactly expected this scale. Still, he would do it again no hesitation if it had helped.

Lance had needed someone to be angry at, just like Keith had when he'd lost his dad, or thought about his mom, or when Shiro had disappeared on the Kerberos mission and all the times after when Shiro had gone. He knew from personal experience that if Lance let that anger stew, it'd turn on himself and make everything so much worse. So he'd given Lance somewhere to direct his anger.

He'd known it'd have to be him, who else? Lance wouldn't even get that mad at anyone else, grief-stricken or not, and their relationship had already been a rocky one from the start. They'd come far since becoming paladins, but out of everyone, he knew it had to be him. He'd gladly be the enemy if it helped Lance. It hadn't even taken much to provoke the boy.

Except it had cost him just a bit more than he'd anticipated and now everything was hurting - not enough to make him regret it - but suddenly he can't stand upright anymore and he falls. He doesn't hit the ground like he'd expected to, but regardless, it only takes a few seconds for his world to go dark.


Lance's words float around in his head, confirming his worst fears and insecurities by just being said by someone else.

"You really don't have a heart… your Galra blood… we were definitely better off without you. She would have been better off without you… maybe if we'd had a better leader than you, she'd still be here and you'd be gone… You abandoned your friends, and let them die on your watch…"

He knew that Lance didn't truly mean those words, blinded by grief as he was, but each word had been a pin in his heart through the cage he'd placed around it regardless. It wasn't just the words themselves that hurt though. It was the person they were coming from, one of the few people he'd let into his heart in the first place.

Despite the hurt, he'd made sure to not let it show while Lance was still in front of him. He'd provoked him on purpose, which was the only reason Lance would have said those words in the first place but from a place of grief and anger or not, those thoughts and feelings towards Keith had stemmed from somewhere - namely, an already existing place which meant those thoughts had crossed Lance's mind before.

Everything Lance had said about Keith being a bad leader had just confirmed what he himself already thought - he knew he was a bad leader, knew Shiro was a hundred times better and that he could never live up to the older man's example no matter what Shiro had said. He knew that Lance was right when he'd said Keith should have done something because he knew he should have, even if there was nothing that could have been done. And when Lance had asked if he really cared about the team, he had to pause.

Of course he cared about the team, but he also had to admit Lance had a point when he'd said Keith left them a lot. He should have been there for the team on so many different occasions, and maybe if he had been there, things would have been different. Maybe everything that had happened with Shiro and the clone wouldn't have happened if he'd been there. He'd been a bad teammate, a bad leader, and a bad friend. For a guy with abandonment issues, he'd sure abandoned them a lot without a second thought.

Maybe Lance had been right when he'd called Keith heartless too. Maybe his Galra blood really did set him apart more than he thought and it meant his suspicions about the team being better off without him altogether were more true than he'd hoped. The team had always denied that fact if he said it out loud, but even though they said that, Lance's words were proof.

Said in a rage or not, there was truth behind everything Lance had said. The team had always been better off without him. He should have taken Allura's place, and if there was even a sliver of a chance, a way he could, he'd take it. Allura was way more important than him. No one would have cared if he'd died. Maybe Shiro would have, but he would get over it eventually, just like anyone else if they cared to mourn in the first place. Best of all, Lance would have Allura and Coran would go back to his cheery self and everything would be okay. Great even, since they would be free of him too, his rash decisions no longer able to put them in danger anymore.

Without him as leader, Allura might have survived. It really was all his fault.

"It's not your fault and you know that. So don't think it is. Both of you said things I know you didn't mean."

Fitting that now Shiro's words - the one's he hadn't really been listening to - would pop up now. Shiro meant well, but the fact was that they'd never know who was right since what had happened had happened, and there was no way to turn back time and find out what would have changed.

"Keith? Buddy, you awake?"

He groans, suddenly aware of the world outside his head. Opening his eyes slowly, he sees he's no longer in the hallway but instead somewhere that looks like one of the Atlas' private med-rooms. The same one, in fact, that he was kept in right after they'd defeated Honerva's mech so long ago on Earth. Except instead of waking up to his mom, Kolivan and Kosmo as he had then, he awoke to the sight of all the other paladins watching him with worry and happiness now he was conscious.

"He is awake!" Pidge exclaims. "I'll go get the medic." And with that, she's gone from the room, leaving Hunk and Shiro to help him to a sitting position.

"Ugh, everything hurts." He did not mean to say that out loud, but it is very much the truth. His whole body is sore and it takes him a long second to realise why.

A nervous laugh comes from the corner of the room. "Yeah, sorry about that."

His eyes go to where Lance is rubbing the back of his neck in that sheepish way he does, but unlike usual, there's no smile on his face to accompany the action. Instead, there's the sadness that has filled his face since losing Allura as well as something like shame and guilt.

He has to admit he's a little surprised to see the guy there, but before he can say anything, the medic that Pidge had gone to get returns. Hunk and Shiro move out of the way to give the medic space to access the bed, and the next few minutes are filled with annoying questions and small tests to make sure he's okay to leave.

The whole time, Keith can't stop his eyes from flicking to the corner, Lance's eyes doing the same towards the bed but each looking away the second their eyes meet.


Lance

"Okay, well you seem to only have a mild concussion, and quite a few bruises, but otherwise there's no internal bleeding or anything else we have to keep an eye on," the medic is saying to Keith, and Lance relaxes slightly knowing that while he injured his friend - which he feels infinitely bad for - it's not as bad as it could have been. "However," the medic continues, "I do recommend taking it easy for a day or two, and getting plenty of rest and food in you. Mr. Shiro, if I could talk to you outside for a second?"

"Hm? Oh, of course." He sees Shiro's eyes meet Keith's before he follows the medic outside and out of sight, leaving the four alone in the now silent room.

"So… take it easy…"

"Pidge," Hunk interrupts, giving her a loaded look.

"What? I was only gonna say I can bring some video games in case he gets bored."

"Yeah, but he needs to rest - "

"I didn't mean right now, I meant for later."

Their bickering is a little refreshing, making it easier to pretend that nothing happened and it is just an average day, even though it is anything but.

"Hey guys?" Lance speaks up, his voice quieter than usual but still loud enough to get the attention of the still arguing paladins. They both turn to him, Keith glancing over at him too but Lance only meets Hunk's eyes. The Samoan gets the hint, the question evident in his eyes. You sure? Lance nods ever so slightly and Hunk sighs.

"Pidge, why don't you come help me whip up a snack for everyone? I know I'm a little hungry, so I'm sure Keith must be." Hunk glances at the boy in question, the two sharing a look that Lance can't quite catch but can guess at.

"But - "

Pidge doesn't get time to protest before Hunk is dragging her out of the room behind him.

And then there were two.

"Keith I - "

"Lance you don't - "

They speak at the same time and stop at the same time, leaving the room in uncomfortable silence.

"Look, Lance, you don't have to apologise, or feel bad - "

Lance cuts him off. "Yes I do, Keith. I am so so sorry, I didn't mean anything I said, you know that, please tell me you know that." He has to stop talking before his voice can crack again, or his tears can spill. He's so tired of crying.

In the hour or so after Keith had passed out, Lance had spent his time in the kitchen with Hunk, curled up on the couch there as more and more revelations of just how stupid he was came to his mind. It was only after Hunk had quickly made him a plate of garlic knots - his favourite - and Shiro had checked up on him after making sure Keith would be okay, that the full scale of it hit him.

He'd almost felt like throwing the garlic knots back up, but he managed to keep the food down even as he realised that Keith had let Lance shout at him - probably bringing up Keith's insecurities and confirming them - all so Lance could feel better, knowing it'd make him feel better.

How could he have ever called the guy heartless?

It'd only occurred to him later, only gotten through his thick stupid head later how exactly Keith had known it'd work in the first place, how he knew that was exactly what Lance needed, how he'd gotten so good at hiding his emotions as well as why he'd needed to in the first place.

Keith had been telling him the whole time, but he hadn't been listening so he'd still forgotten somehow along the way that Keith hadn't had any family other than the team. Everyone had been so excited to go home to Earth because they all missed their families. They'd all made that video to go home with Sam Holt because they had people they wanted to talk to. Keith hadn't been there for that but - would he have said anything? - because Lance only realises now that Keith didn't have anyone to say anything to on Earth.

Somehow along the way, he'd forgotten that Keith had lost his dad - at an early age too - and his mom had left him when he was too young to even remember. While the latter had been reunited with him eventually, that had to have left a scar. The whole thing must have felt almost as bad as her being dead, maybe even worse after knowing she wasn't but had instead left him of her own will.

It didn't stop there though. Keith had thought he'd lost Shiro - his only remaining family at that point, the only thing closest to family he had - multiple times. First on the Kerberos mission, then after the fight with Zarkon, and even after that when they'd revived Shiro with the whole clone thing and there had been those few days where they weren't sure if it'd worked.

He'd seen Keith in that last situation, only a glance when the older teen thought it was just him and Shiro, Coran and Krolia gone somewhere for a bit, and Keith had been the opposite of heartless then. He'd been heartbroken – crushed completely - that much was painfully visible to Lance in that quick glance. Yet when he'd seen the guy next, Keith had acted like he was completely fine, to the point that Lance almost thought he'd hallucinated the pain and sadness on Keith's face.

How many times had Keith had to do that? Put on a mask of indifference. The answer was obvious. He'd had to do it so many times that he'd perfected it apparently, because it was no secret that Keith was no stranger to loss. In fact, loss seemed like a close friend.

And yet, Lance had forgotten that and called him heartless, discredited all that pain by saying he had no idea what he was feeling all while Keith had only been trying to help as the one who probably understood most. The one who could probably offer Lance the most comfort and he'd just pushed Keith away - not only that but shouting at and beating the guy up too.

Lance really was the dumb one. He had to find a way to make it up to Keith, no matter what it took. It was what Allura would have wanted if nothing else.

"Lance, I knew what I was doing when I came to your room, so really, you don't have to - "

"You knew what you were doing so you know I didn't mean any of it right? You know I wasn't thinking, that I was just trying to say whatever I could to hurt you even though it was stupid but I just - "

"McClain, you're bordering on spiralling so shut up will you?" The sudden harshness in Keith's voice is enough to snap Lance's head towards him, shutting up immediately. "I get it, okay? I already told you this, but I know what you were feeling. I know you didn't mean to say those things."

He relaxes a little at that, but a small part of his brain - the same one, he realises, that was the rational part that was painfully aware even when he was fighting Keith - shouts at him - and learning from his mistakes - he listens.

Keith might have said he knows he didn't mean to say those things, but he hasn't said that he knows Lance didn't mean the things themselves.

"Keith…?"

"What?"

"You're not a bad leader."

"What?" He sees the look on Keith's face change from incredulous to understanding. "Lance…" He looks almost pained.

"No, you obviously need to hear it from someone else to believe it. So I'm telling you you're not a bad leader, Keith. And you're right, she - Allura - made that decision for herself so there was nothing you could do so I don't blame you in any way and you shouldn't either. And I should never have questioned if you cared, not about her or the team because I know you'd die for us which is a problem in itself because we do need you and we care for you. I was so mad at you for being able to say it that day, without doing anything or looking sad, but it doesn't mean you're heartless and I should have never said that, or said you didn't know how I was feeling because you're actually just the strongest of us all because you know exactly how I was feeling and I'm so sorry that you do. And your Galra blood doesn't change anything, in fact it might make you better than all of us because it makes you stronger. That's why we're better off with you and why none of us would trade you for anyone and we were so mad that you left us because we were better with you as our leader."

He has to stop to take a breath. "I wish there was a way to bring her back, I really do, but if it meant trading her place for someone else, I don't know if I'd be able to make that choice. If getting her back meant losing you or one of the others is return, I don't think… she would never forgive me and I wouldn't be able to blame her. You're a part of this team as much as any of us, and," - he sighs - "I know you sometimes think… you don't belong here, or that you're not enough, but… that's just you being stupid, Mullet. But I was being stupid too and I didn't mean any of it. I am so sorry."

He didn't even notice Keith move, let alone get up but sure enough, arms are around him and a face is buried into his shoulder.

"Stop talking already, you're giving me a headache." Keith's voice is slightly muffled, but Lance can still hear the emotion in the boy's voice - none of which are malice - and just hugs his friend back. He only has a two second warning from the sound of the door opening to being squished between a third person with their arms wrapped around the both of them, quickly joined by smaller arms - "Group hug!" - and another pair, with one mechanical arm.

They stay that way for a bit in comfortable silence that says way more than a thousand words ever could. While he's… content in this moment, he's still painfully aware of the missing pair of arms around them. But for once, he's not overtaken by the sadness that follows. Instead, he holds it close to his heart, next to the joy that's starting to come back with another revelation - a happier one.

Ever since they lost her, he's been scared of seeing the team together because he knows the only thing he'll be able to focus on is the absence of her being there. He didn't want to be reminded of her loss every time they were in a room together, but it's only now, surrounded by his friends - his found family - that he realises that them being together is when she's the closest. Yes, he misses her, and he sees that empty space every time they're together, but she's always there - even more so when the whole team is there. She's there in that empty space where her arms could be but instead of being sad about it, he should be happy.

He doesn't think he'll ever stop missing her - and he doesn't want to because then he might forget her - but Hunk was right. He's not the only one who lost her. He's not the only one who misses her. When they're together, that's the best time to remember her, not spend their time missing her and letting each moment they have together be ruined by the ghost of what was.

They'll miss her together, and they'll remember her together, but they'll also move on together. Deep in his heart, he knows that's what she would have wanted. To cherish the memories they had with her, but to make more with each other. To live in the moment, and not in their memories.

It'll take time, he knows that. The wound is still fresh, but he needs to let it heal, and even once it does, he knows it'll leave a scar. This isn't something he can get over easy, but this is a first step, and he has these people around him to help him keep taking more.

So he remembers her, remembers the hugs they had - remembers the last one they had - but he also makes sure to fully take in the hug they're all sharing right now. The tightness that's making it a little hard to breathe, the warmth that's maybe just a little too hot but it's fine, and the comfort and joy and the togetherness and the happy feeling that fills his heart which has no word good enough to describe it.

It has to come to an end at some point though, and soon enough, a muffled voice once again speaks up.

"Guys, I love you, but Lance has a mean right hook, and I got to feel that firsthand, multiple times which gonna be honest kinda still hurts so please can you - "

They all have to laugh as they disband, letting Keith gulp some much needed breaths of fresh air, Shiro making sure they didn't make his injuries worse even as there's a sad smile on his face like the rest of them have, most with a tear in their eye too. It seems he wasn't the only one remembering their missing link, but he knows they'll get through it and help each other move on.

"So…," Pidge starts to say once it's confirmed that Keith's okay. "Anyone up for a video game?"

"Pidge, we just talked about this - " He can't help the smirk that comes on his face with Hunk's exasperated tone.

Yeah, they'll all be just fine.


"Hey Hunk, what happened to that snack you guys were making? Getting kinda hungry."

The horror on Hunk and Pidge's faces as they looked at each other was enough to make Keith have to stifle a laugh, even if he ended up wincing instead.

"Oh my god I completely forgot!"

"The cookies!"

The two are gone, darting down the hallway before Lance even has time to blink.


A/n: That little bit at the end was more a bonus 'why not leave you smiling' kinda thing, but now I'm thinking I might do a whole bonus chapter if that's something you're all interested in (totally not to end this off on a rounded number of chapters *laugh of don't-know-what-you're-talking-about*).

But for now just to close off some loose ends that might pop up in that bonus chapter, might not (but don't want to leave completely as an open-ending kind of thing): when the medic pulled Shiro outside, it was in fact to discuss Keith's slight malnutrition from him not eating as much as he should which the medic had enough sense to privately talk to Shiro about. There's something more not talked about in this chapter (totally not bc I thought of it too late) but I feel like Keith is hesitant to care about ppl because everyone he cares about kinda yk, dies or at least leaves (his dad, his mom, Shiro, and now Allura) so dude has many many problems.

Also, in case any of you were wondering if I forgot Krolia existed, I did not. She is still a good mom and did check up on Keith (throughout those four days and when he was unconscious after the fight while Shiro was checking up on Lance), but she is Keith's mom and had some stuff to do too (trying to lessen the jobs she knew her son would probably try to overwork himself with but she doesn't tell him that).

I don't want to make this author's note too long but I do feel an obligation to say that I'm not trying to make Pidge seem insensitive or anything by constantly bringing up video games. In my mind I see it more as that's how she's been coping – by playing video games and just reverting to being a 'normal' kid in general – so yeah, I don't see her as an oblivious-to-the-gravity-of-the- situation child, but instead that's how she's dealing with the grief. :)

Coran also… yk what, I might actually just write the bonus chapter no matter what. So I suppose this is not goodbye after all so instead:

Stay safe and see ya soon.

- CrowofArcadiaOaks