Author's Notes:
I gave Haibara a cat! The cat is white, and his full name is Fuwafuwa-san, because I googled "cute cat names in Japanese," found one that translates to "fluffy," and added "san" to it. So, "Mr. Fluffy," or Fuwa-san for short. The Detective Boys and Kaito chose the name, and Haibara let them because holding a cat brings out her soft side and because the cat is indeed very fluffy. And yes, the cat was a stray found during the incident with the catnip in the street.
Haibara lay on her stomach on her bed, kicking lazily against the cushions, with her research notebook spread out in front of her. Her new cat, Fuwa-san, stretched out by her side, exposing his soft white belly for her to pet, which she happily obliged. His contented purring went straight to the dopamine center of her brain, eliciting a happy sigh. She wondered, not for the first time, how she had ever gotten this far in life without a cat.
She perused the pages of her journal, alternating between rereading old entries, composing new ones, and pausing to sip her tea. The past two or so weeks that Kaito had joined their lives had been the most fun she could ever remember, and only part of that was due to Fuwa-san. Even with the threat of the organization still looming over her and Conan's heads, she could sometimes almost forget about her problems to simply be grateful to be here with her friends now.
Haibara had never really fallen in love herself, and never would if she had any say in the matter. It seemed like quite a hassle, not to mention the amount of work it took to maintain a healthy long-term relationship with someone. Or so the online advice columns said, anyway. Again, she had no personal experience in it, aside from a very brief crush on a certain reckless detective that she now chose to pretend had never happened. Honestly, it had been nothing more than an unpleasant few weeks of trying and failing to get his attention. If that's what 'being in love' meant, then she really couldn't see what all the fuss was about. (And besides, if she absolutely had to have a hopeless, one-sided, quasi-crush, Higo-san was a much better choice.)
But Haibara really didn't feel like she was missing out on anything. After all, one did not have to fall in love in order to fervently ship characters in a drama series. Or to ship one's friends, apparently. Which was turning out to be such wonderful entertainment. Watching their sometimes-awkward-but-always-adorable interactions brought her more satisfaction than even that elusive high of finally perfecting a chemical formula, or that special thrill of opening a fresh box of brand-new pipets and test tubes.
Yes, watching them was delightful, but subtly pushing their buttons and conducting her own personal experiments on them was even better. Because what could possibly improve romance more than a little good old-fashioned science?
She had conducted some very fine experiments so far, if she did say so herself. The treasured notebook in her hands was proof of that.
—
Experiment: Sitting Together
Observation: Kuroba and Kudou always sit as close as possible to one another.
Question: How close would they sit if the number of chairs were limited?
Hypothesis: Kudou would sit in Kuroba's lap if required, and both would be happy about it.
Experiment: Drop subtle hints around the children until they all get it into their heads to visit the zoo. Allow them to convince the Professor to take everyone to the zoo in his car. Insist on taking the back seat with the other children, leaving the front seat to Kuroba and Kudou, to observe how they handle it.
Results: Neither of them seems to give the situation a second thought or appears remotely bothered by it. Kuroba sits in the front seat and Kudou willingly climbs into his lap. Kudou does not complain about it, and seems determined to pretend to not notice how Kuroba wraps his arms around him 'for safety,' according to Kuroba. They remain this way for the entire drive. Both already seem used to the arrangement for the drive back, as they take up the same positions automatically, again with neither even commenting on the matter. Kudou falls asleep against Kuroba on the drive home, apparently exhausted from solving the inevitable murder at the zoo, and Kuroba carries him inside and takes care to make sure he's comfortable on the sofa, which is very cute.
Conclusion: Hypothesis is correct.
Additional Note: Putting them in the front seat led to an unforeseen flaw in the experiment, as it prevented proper observation of Kudou's face, thus making it difficult to measure the extent of his blushing.
—
Experiment: Jealousy — Kudou
Observation: Kudou denies it but appears to be very emotionally attached to Kuroba already.
Question: How would Kudou react if Kuroba were interested in someone else?
Hypothesis: Despite his constant lies to himself, Kudou would be jealous if Kuroba were interested in someone else.
Experiment: During lunch, mention that Kuroba will not be joining after school today. When asked why, explain that he will be on a date.
Results: Stating that Kuroba is not coming elicits much disappointment from the children and a mixture of anger and suspicion from Kudou. He demands to know the source of the information, and why he was not told of this. It appears that even this much causes jealousy. When informed that Kuroba will be on a date, Kudou turns ashen white and begins choking on air. The children are all concerned about him. Before he regains his breath, Tsuburaya asks him why he didn't know about this, since he is friends with both Kuroba and Kudou. It is then revealed that the children are all under the impression that Kuroba is dating Kudou (the older version). Presumably this occurred as a result of Kuroba's tendency to go on long rants about how much Kudou (the older version) adores him, as well the expression on his face during aforementioned rants. Kudou (the current version) turns dark pink when the children mention this alleged relationship, and he becomes very agitated, though it is unclear whether the predominant emotion is anger, embarrassment, jealousy, confusion, denial, hope, or surprise. Likely he himself does not know. When informed that it was all merely a joke, Kudou attempts to splash his entire glass of water on the innocent, humble scientist conducting this simple experiment.
Conclusion: Hypothesis is correct. Kudou has it bad for Kuroba.
—
Experiment: Jealousy — Kuroba
Observation: Kuroba appears emotionally attached to Kudou.
Question: How would Kuroba react if someone else were interested in Kudou?
Hypothesis: Kuroba would be jealous and possessive if someone else were interested in Kudou.
Experiment: Wait for a particularly active day with many various activities after school. Sometime during the commotion of the day, subtly remove Yoshida's favorite keychain from her backpack. The next day, when she is predictably upset, suggest that Kudou help her find it. Allow the search to continue a suitable length of time before planting it somewhere for Kudou to 'find' and return to her.
Results: Yoshida's childish crush is very evident when Kudou presents her with the lost keychain. She hugs him, compliments him excessively, and even attempts to kiss his cheek as she sometimes does. Kuroba's Poker Face is impressive, as is his patience with children, but body language still indicates extreme agitation. He says nothing but immediately picks Kudou up out of Yoshida's grasp and places him on his shoulders. Kudou protests. Kuroba insists, but refuses to elaborate. He does not let him down for nearly the entire rest of the afternoon.
Conclusion: Hypothesis is correct. Kuroba is absurdly possessive.
Amendment: Given Kudou's extreme lack of self-awareness and abysmal emotional and relational intelligence, this level of possessiveness is likely not absurd but required.
—
Experiment: Coffee & Hugging
Observation: Kudou hugs Kuroba every day in exchange for coffee. Kudou appears to be entirely comfortable with this arrangement.
Question: Has Kudou been subconsciously conditioned to hug people who give him coffee?
Hypothesis: Kudou will hug anyone who gives him coffee.
Experiment: Prepare a juice box containing decaf coffee and hand it to him in the morning before class.
Results: He is confused and mildly grateful when presented with the juice box. He takes it but does not move for a hug. He makes a comment about how Kuroba prepares it better.
Conclusion: Hypothesis is incorrect and also Kudou is an ass.
—
Experiment: Coffee & Hugging, Attempt 2
Observation: Kudou is comfortable hugging Kuroba when accepting coffee from him.
Question: Would Kudou hug Kuroba if prompted, even if no coffee were involved?
Hypothesis: With nothing that he can claim as an unavoidable excuse, Kudou will not hug Kuroba.
Experiment: Kuroba's participation is required. Send him an introductory text message with a claim that his number was acquired from Kudou, to avoid raising his suspicions about any hypothetical illegal internet searches. Once in contact with him, request that he perform the same gesture of crouching beside Kudou and holding out his arms, but to do so at the end of the day with no coffee involved. Explain that it is required for science.
Results: Kuroba is happy to participate in the experiment. Kudou responds to the gesture the same way he always does. He looks around to ensure relative privacy then gives Kuroba a quick hug. He then returns his attention to his phone, apparently not even noticing that he's done anything unusual. Kuroba seems to have a healthy appreciation for science, judging by his enthusiastic thumbs-up.
Conclusion: Hypothesis is incorrect. Kudou is both surprisingly comfortable with Kuroba and also shockingly oblivious.
—
Experiment: Privacy
Observation: Kuroba is careful to limit his interactions with Kudou while in public or around the children.
Question: Would Kuroba flirt even more overtly if given some relative privacy?
Hypothesis: They will both be more lovey-dovey if given some relative privacy.
Experiment: Invite Kudou and Kuroba over for dinner one day after the children have returned to their homes. Watch television after dinner in order to subtly eavesdrop.
Results: Unexpected hitch in the experiment as Kuroba is initially reluctant to meet with the Professor after his previous visit, during which certain dessert items may have been misplaced. A heated discussion ensues between Kudou and Kuroba regarding said dessert items that quickly devolves into blatant flirting. Eventually, a bakery visit is decided upon in order to purchase a cake as a peace offering, which has the desired effect when presented to the Professor. At dinner, the actual experiment goes better than expected. Kuroba acts as a gentleman to pull out the chair for Kudou. Kudou rolls his eyes and protests, but accepts the gesture nonetheless, even though he surely must have noticed how Kuroba used the opportunity to bring their chairs obnoxiously close together. During the meal, Kuroba occasionally steals food from Kudou's plate or shares his own food. Both give embarrassingly sappy looks at the other behind each other's backs. They work together to help clear the table after dinner, then play cards for a while. Kuroba cheats profusely, though this appears to be the main source of fun for them, as Kudou seems far more interested in deducing how the cheating has occurred than in the game itself. It may also be a ploy on Kuroba's part, since it often causes Kudo to grab his hands to check for hidden aces, which Kuroba seems to delight in. When it is time to return home, Kuroba hugs him for an excessive length of time, ruffles his hair, calls him pet names, and flirts aggressively. Kudou protests.
Conclusion: Hypothesis is correct.
Additional Note: Do not leave them alone in a room or let them have any more privacy than this for the time being.
—
Experiment: Hand Holding
Observation: Kuroba holds Kudou's hand at all times when walking. Kudou protests.
Question: What are Kudou's true feelings on holding Kuroba's hand?
Hypothesis: Kudou enjoys holding hands with Kuroba. The protests are merely a front.
Experiment: When exiting the cafe, before they have a chance to link hands, position self between them. Walk calmly but firmly to subtly force Kuroba to the edge of the sidewalk so that Kudou cannot approach him from either side.
Results: Kudou subconsciously bumps into me several times in his attempt to move toward Kuroba. It requires an active push for him to stop trying to get closer. The process repeats a few more times. It is likely a subconscious draw toward Kuroba rather than an intentional thought. Kuroba appears to have guessed about the experiment but has decided to humor it, evidenced by the wink. Kudou becomes increasingly agitated, though he does not appear to understand why. He fidgets and grumbles and snaps when asked a simple question. That ends the experiment for the day. As soon as his path is cleared, he immediately gravitates over and lifts his hand before Kuroba has even reached for him. Kudou complains about not needing his hand held, but body language indicates a marked decrease in agitation.
Conclusion: Hypothesis is correct. Kudou is a sap.
—
Experiment: Separation
Observation: Every day after school until the evening, Kudou and Kuroba spend nearly every minute together.
Question: How would they react to an afternoon where circumstances kept them apart?
Hypothesis: Kuroba will be visibly upset and disappointed. Kudou will pretend to not care but will miss Kuroba. Not understanding his feelings, Kudou will simply feel agitated.
Experiment: Tell Kudou that there is a very important scientific experiment that requires his participation. Naturally, he will assume this refers to research about the Apotoxin antidote, but will also not ask any clarifying questions about it. Do not correct his assumptions. Instruct him to come to the lab immediately after school to help provide valuable research data.
Results:
Conclusion:
—
Haibara tapped the edge of her pencil against the notebook as she reviewed the set up for her latest experiment, smiling gleefully and mentally congratulating herself for the cleverness of her scheme. She had taken Conan aside in the morning before their first class of the day to quietly explain about the experiment. Predictably, he had lit up with enthusiasm and immediately agreed. His good mood had lasted the rest of the school day, but instantly became a facade when he saw Kaito waiting for them at the gates and realized the ramifications of spending an afternoon in the lab.
Kaito had immediately noticed that something was off and, foregoing the usual presentation of juice boxes, ran over to crouch down in front of Conan. He put his hands on Conan's shoulders and asked with concern what was wrong. Conan just laughed awkwardly and said that he forgot he had to do something with Haibara in the afternoon and therefore couldn't hang out today.
Kaito, of course, replied that it wasn't a problem at all, since he would just tag along. Conan's expression had turned pained with genuine regret as he explained that it was a private matter, just as Haibara had predicted. For some unknown reason, Conan seemed intent on not letting Kaito find out about the temporary antidote. She didn't know why that was, and didn't really care. All that mattered to her was that it made it easier to manipulate Conan like this, which she certainly appreciated.
The magician's expression showed hurt and confusion, then he cast an inquiring glance at Haibara, who said nothing and merely raised her eyebrows innocently at him. So Kaito sighed and reluctantly accepted the situation, on the condition that Conan at least walk him back to the station.
Haibara went directly home, made herself some tea, cuddled up with Fuwa-san, and engaged in her favorite pastime of reviewing her past experiments and brainstorming new ones while she waited for Conan.
When he arrived, his mood was hard to discern. The usual excitement of anything related to a potential Apotoxin antidote was still there, but he also seemed subdued, and perhaps a little morose. Either way, it seemed her hypothesis was already proving true. She fought to suppress a knowing smile.
"Is it really so hard to be apart from your boyfriend for just one afternoon?" she teased him.
"Ughh, enough of that joke already, Haibara! For the last time, he is NOT my boyfriend, and I would appreciate it if you would please stop calling him that! It's not funny!"
"It wasn't meant to be funny," she shrugged. She was lying. It was very funny. Conan loved being intelligent and was always looking for ways to show off how smart he was. So yeah, pointing out obvious facts to him just to have him deny them and then continue to be the dumbest sack of bricks to ever exist would never get old. And really, he should be thanking her for this. They both should be, in fact. By constantly telling Conan outright that he was dating Kaito, she hoped to subtly plant the idea in his head that he might be dating Kaito. Given enough time, he might even come to consciously realize that he was dating Kaito. Haibara wasn't used to being such a philanthropist, but really, it felt nice to do something so kind and helpful for her friends every once in a while.
Conan, being the ungrateful brat that he was, just scowled at her so deeply that he didn't look where he was going and nearly tripped over one leg of the overly extravagant cat tower newly installed along one of the walls of the living room.
"What the— the Professor is still adding on to this thing? It must be, what?, almost three meters tall by now?!"
"Yes, it is becoming quite large, isn't it? I do sometimes worry about it catching fire, but I have ensured that there's nothing electronic in it, and Fuwa-san loves it, so I don't mind."
"Heh, does Fuwa-san even have a chance to use it? I thought he just lived in your arms all the time."
Haibara clutched the purring cat closer to her chest as she tried to decide whether or not to be offended. Eventually she settled on condescending, just to be safe. "Hmph, of course I don't hold him all the time. In case you forgot, we do spend most of the day at school, or out with your boyfriend—"
"Oi, Haibara! Seriously—"
"So will you help me test the new antidote now?"
"Wh— oh, yeah, of course, let's go!"
Haibara reluctantly released Fuwa-san outside the door to the lab, as it was important to keep that room as sanitary as possible. Then she gestured for Conan to sit on the makeshift examination table, which he was already climbing on to. It was not their first time in this room.
She kept her back to him while he changed into a loose fitting robe (it was easier than trying to remove child-sized clothes mid-transformation, and more comfortable than sitting naked on the table). Then, when he gave the ok, she turned around and handed him the familiar-looking pill and a glass of water. He didn't hesitate to swallow it immediately, without even checking for anomalies in the pill first. Naive fool.
"How long will it take for this one to turn me back?" he asked excitedly.
Approximately ten years, she thought wryly, but out loud said, "Who knows? It's a different formula this time, and there's a chance nothing will happen, so we'll have to be patient and monitor it for a while."
"Mm." He leaned back on his palms, glancing idly about the room, and allowed her to place the customary stethoscope above his heart.
"Tell me how your health has been lately, Kudou-kun."
"Everything's fine. I haven't noticed any problems, and my injuries from a few weeks ago have all healed by now."
"Heart rate normal?" She already had a good guess about the answer, of course, having just now been monitoring his heart rate.
"Yup."
"Now, Kudou-kun, you've mentioned in the past that you seem to have an ability to 'sense' Kuroba-kun's presence. Is that still true?" Ah-ha, she heard clearly how his heart rate jumped the moment she mentioned the boyfriend's name. Beautiful.
He cleared his throat, knowing it would be too loud and irritate her ears through the stethoscope. Bastard.
"Yes, of course that still happens. That sort of thing doesn't just go away, you know."
"Oh? Do you have a lot of experience with 'sensing' people's presence, then?"
"Uh, well, not exactly… it's just Kaito. But it's been like that since I met him!"
"I see. And does the feeling persist even in close proximity to him? How does physical touch impact it?"
"If anything, it's just stronger the closer I stand to him. It also makes me hyper aware of any physical touch."
"Please describe it to me."
"Well, it usually begins with a sort of weightless feeling around here," he hovered a hand over his chest, "Then sometimes it— wait, are you writing this down?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"If you'll recall, I am a scientist. And during the current situation, I'm also acting as your primary doctor. Of course I should keep notes on my patient's medical conditions."
"I don't think this is a medical condition, though. And it's probably not related to the Apotoxin either."
"It's still important for me to know all the details. For science. Do continue."
"Hmm…" he studied her skeptically for a moment, then shrugged and resumed casually describing the physical manifestations of his repressed emotions. She wrote everything down with zeal, mentally cackling to herself and being very careful not to let him see what she was writing.
"I see," she answered in her most clinical voice when he was finished. "And would you say that your heart rate increases when there is physical contact with Kuroba?"
"Yes."
"Sweaty palms?"
"Sometimes, yeah."
"Shortness of breath?"
"Yes."
"Do you feel feverish, or warm at all, especially in the neck or face?"
"Yes… how did you know all that? Do I have an illness or something?" he asked with sudden concern.
"I have a theory about what is causing this, but it's nothing to worry about. Not yet, at least."
"Ha, you make it sound so ominous! When do I need to worry about it, then?" he asked with a light laugh that utterly failed to mask his unease.
"I suspect that these symptoms you're experiencing will become more severe once you recover your larger body permanently, and we will likely need to take action to address them when that happens. In the meantime, it should be safe to simply keep an eye on them. Make sure to immediately report any change in the symptoms to me."
"R-right, of course. I will. Definitely." Conan hunched his shoulders and stared fixedly at his hands wrung tightly in his lap. Vague medical warnings about mysterious, unnamed illnesses did tend to have that effect on people. Perhaps a career in medicine wasn't such a bad idea after all, she mused.
"So am I supposed to be feeling anything?" he hurriedly changed the subject, holding his arms out and looking down at his still-tiny body. "From the new antidote, I mean?"
Unlikely, since it's just an ordinary multi-vitamin shoved into an Apotoxin antidote pill casing, she thought.
"You really don't feel anything at all?" Ok, well now she was just messing with him, but honestly, who could blame her?
"No, nothing!"
"Hmm…" she leaned back in her wheeled office chair, letting it spin slightly while she resumed writing notes about how helplessly stupid and utterly smitten her patient was.
"Hey, do you really think you can do it? Will you really be able to create a permanent antidote someday?" he asked anxiously, leaning forward in his seat and fixing wide, hopeful eyes on her.
"That is my goal," she answered slowly, after a pause to consider it. "Though of course, even if I achieve it, we'll be unable to actually make use of it until after the organization is disbanded. But, assuming we get the data we need from the BO labs, I think there's a good chance, after that."
"Don't worry, I'll definitely take those guys down! So I'm counting on you for the antidote, Haibara!" He beamed encouragingly at her, then relaxed back onto his palms again. His gaze drifted toward the ceiling as a dreamy expression overtook his face, eyes half-lidded and a soft, crooked smile on his lips. It might as well have been a flashing neon sign saying 'poke here for juicy personal details.' And how could Haibara be expected to turn down such an invitation?
"What's on your mind, Kudou-kun?" she prompted calmly, feigning polite disinterest.
"Huh? Oh, I was just thinking about all the things I'm going to do once I finally get my life back."
"Is that so. Then what will the great Kudou Shinichi do upon his return home?"
"Go on a date, of course."
It was the right answer, but… something was strange. Haibara felt the hairs on her neck stand up in warning, and she frowned. He had obviously been thinking about Kuroba a moment ago, yet somehow when he mentioned the date, the previous expression had gone. Instead it sounded almost…? But—
"Oi, Haibara, I don't think this new antidote works." He hopped down from the table and started gathering his clothes. "Did you at least get the data you needed from this experiment?"
Oh boy did she ever. "Yes, I think this will be adequate for now. Thank you for your participation, Kudou-kun."
"Great," he said, though he was barely paying her any attention by now, as he had picked up his phone and was rapidly texting, wearing a big, dopey smile as he did so. Of course. Less than half an hour since being sent home, and Kuroba was already bombarding him with text messages, probably egregiously flirty ones at that.
—
Experiment: Separation
Results: Kuroba is heartbroken to leave and insists on being walked to the station. He is unable to endure longer than half an hour before resuming contact via text messages. Kudou demonstrates a vast number of mixed emotions. Something is strange but lacking enough data to conclusively determine the source.
Conclusion: ?
