disclaimer: I own nothing
Author's Note: I am so sorry it has been so long since I updated. Severe writer's block on this story plus participating in writing challenges to try and get back into it have kept me from writing. (Those stories can be found on my ao3 and tumblr, see my profile for the usernames).
No beta. Enjoy!
Carter didn't remember them.
Jack hadn't been able to believe it, but he had seen it for himself.
She didn't know them.
She couldn't speak, not really.
Her fine motor skills were shot.
Her emotions were all over the place. They just exploded out of her.
The woman that they had known and loved and hoped would live seemed to just be...gone. In her place, was a confused, frustrated, somewhat helpless woman that lashed out at them or was just...curious.
Jack didn't know if he could handle that.
He hated that thought, but it was true. He didn't know if he could handle it. The Carter that he had been sitting with, talking to, humming to, had been the Carter that had existed before that bullet had entered her brain. He had known that damage was a possibility, but it had never seemed like a reality.
Fraiser said that it hadn't just been the bullet punching into her brain tissue that had done the damage. It had been the force itself, slamming into her brain in waves. It had been the splinters of her skull that had been exploded into her brain like tiny pieces of shrapnel. Those bone splinters had been more than happy to fly in and shred things, knick them, damage them.
Jack couldn't wrap his mind around the possibility. The reality.
Daniel was handling it better than him.
Teal'c was handling it better than him.
Fraiser was handling it better than him.
Cassie had been kept away from Carter, for obvious reasons.
Hammond had just taken the report with silent graveness.
Jacob was tied up in a Tok'ra mission and hadn't been faced with his daughter.
Mark was the only one handling it worse than Jack was.
Jack had never liked the bastard and was perversely satisfied that no matter how bad he was, he was not as bad as that. While being completely disgusted by him at the same time.
He wanted to beat Mark to a pulp for coming out to Colorado, pretty much taking one look at his sister, and then turning tail and fleeing back to California. Jack didn't care if the man had a family there. Carter was his family too and she needed him. He could only thank God that Carter hadn't given her brother any sort of responsibility over her care and life in the event that she wasn't able to make decisions for herself.
That was actually Daniel and Fraiser. Jack was glad for that. He didn't think that he would have been able to handle things well if Carter had left things up to him. But SG-1 had a pact of sorts, when it came down to it.
Base doctors had power, but with anything else, with anything that needed permission, they had agreed to do it for each other in the case that someone other than a military doctor needed to make a decision.
Daniel for Carter.
Carter for Teal'c.
Teal'c for Jack.
Jack for Daniel.
Maybe not the best breakdown, but they hadn't wanted to lump the responsibility of the entire team on to one person and it was really only in the event that the military and Fraiser needed something else. Or if something happened outside of work.
Now...now there wasn't really anything that could be done. No decisions could be made beyond Fraiser, because none of them really knew what was happening inside Carter's head.
They could see the consequences of what was going on inside her head, but there was no way that they could see what it was actually like in there.
How much comprehension did she actually have?
Could she think normally and it just jumbled on the way out?
Did they need to treat her like a child because to them she was coming across as similar to one?
Did she understand what was going on?
None of them had answers to any of this. Not even the doctors, because this sort of thing varied so much from person to person. And no matter how many people this happened to, no one could ever really know what it was like being inside a mind that was so damaged. It wasn't like most people recovered enough to explain.
Those thoughts and a whole lot more were swirling around Jack's mind as he sat in the waiting room.
Carter had been moved out of the ward that they had been visiting for so long, but she hadn't been transfered out of the hospital yet. Mostly because they had no idea where she could go if they did. There were facilities that could, theoretically, handle her. But they weren't equipped to handle things if she ever remembered. If she was able to talk again and started spouting off stuff about the Stargate and things like that.
They would probably think that she was crazy on top of everything else. But Jack wasn't sure that Carter would ever be well enough again for that to happen.
He looked up as Fraiser came into the waiting room. She had been spending more time here since Carter had woken up and Hammond had allowed it.
"Colonel." she greeted.
"Can I see her?" Jack asked bluntly.
She hesitated. Jack understood why she did. He was pretty sure that they had been confusing the hell out of Carter in all of this. But he couldn't just walk away. He had almost walked away when she had been in the coma. He couldn't walk away now.
No matter how much he wanted to.
"All right. But if she gets agitated..."
"I know what to do, doc." he said wearily.
"I know you do, Colonel."
Fraiser took his hand and squeezed it gently. Jack returned the pressure and tried to give her a smile in return. He was pretty sure that it looked more like a grimace than anything else.
He walked down the hall to Carter's room.
Carter was sitting in the bed, frowning deeply at the little tray that was supposed to be used for meals.
"Hey, Carter." he greeted.
Carter looked up at him, eyes flying wide as she stared at him. Jack had no idea if she even remembered him from the other times that he had stopped by. He didn't ask.
"Whatcha got there?" he asked, pointing at the tray.
She looked at it again. Then went back to what she was doing.
Jack moved closer. Someone-Fraiser, probably-had given her a deck of cards. Just a regular deck. It seemed that Carter was trying to group them together by type. But she had gotten confused by how to do it, obviously. She was clearly torn between the same number or the same suit.
"Want some help?" Jack asked, wondering what this was meant to do, other than keep her busy.
Carter blinked at him, blue eyes boring into his in a way they never had before.
"No? Maybe we could play poker instead?"
He was hating this. He couldn't keep up this cheerful junk, acting like everything was all right. But he had no choice, because it would just make it so much worse for Carter if he let her know just how wrong everything was.
She stared at him blankly. He couldn't get past that look. It was like she wasn't even there.
"Do you even know poker, Carter?" he asked. It hadn't occurred to Jack before now that he didn't know if she did or not.
Still no response. Jack sighed and sat back in the chair. He didn't know what to say to her. He didn't know what to do. He wondered if Daniel and Fraiser had been having a better time. They hadn't really been in the room together because they hadn't wanted to overwhelm Carter. But Jack was thinking that it would have been nice to have some moral support right now.
Carter went back to her cards. She was putting some very serious thought and a lot of effort into what she was doing. What made it worse was that she was clearly getting some of what she inteded wrong.
No matter how damaged, how could a brain like hers just become that?
Jack didn't understand it. He was pretty sure that Fraiser could explain it to him if he asked, but he didn't want to ask. He didn't want to know.
They sat there in silence, Carter mostly ignoring him. But Jack noticed that she kept sneaking peeks at him, looking mildly curious.
"Hopefully your dad will be here soon. Maybe he'll be able to do something for you." Jack offered her.
He had no idea what Jacob might be able to do, considering that Carter hadn't known Mark any more than she knew the rest of them. Jack scooted his chair closer to the bed.
"Can you talk, Carter?" he asked abruptly.
She'd made some noises that had sounded like she was trying to speak, but at this point, they weren't really sure if she was choosing silence or if she had lost the ability to speak. She stared at him and he had no idea if she even understood what he'd said.
"Can you-hey!"
Jack was surprised when she suddenly reached out and tugged at his sweatshirt, pulling him forward with it.
"Carter, this is mine! Back off." he said, gently batting at her hand.
There was the soft sound of adhesive coming off of fabric and Jack realized her goal had been the vistor sticker slapped on the front of his sweatshirt. She sat back with it, touching her fingers to the back and seeming interested in the slight tackiness of the sticker, even though it was now covered in a layer of lint.
Her eyebrows drew together as she stared at the words, which were just a print out with the hospital name and the area that Jack was visiting, where he was permitted to be. The date had been scribbled on with Sharpie.
Jack watched her. He wasn't going to take the thing back from her, but he was curious as to why she had wanted it in the first place. She touched her fingers to the words, her forehead becoming more furrowed.
"A...ai...airrr."
Jack's heart felt like it stopped and then launched itself into his throat when she said this, finger hovering on the word. He didn't know what to do, so he ended up not doing anything. Then Carter looked up at him, as if expecting confirmation.
"Yeah, Carter. Air."
Her nose scrunched up this time as she looked back down at the sticker.
"A...aii..airr...fff...or...orrrce."
She gave the sticker such a look of fury for some reason that Jack was surprised that it didn't burst into flames. Or just wither and die.
"Air Force." Jack repeated to her, nodding.
She looked at him again. She pointed at the sticker, then at him. He understood what she meant. At least, he thought he did. He wasn't going to keep second guessing himself by wondering if he was getting everything wrong or not.
"No. Jack." he said, tapping his chest. "Jack. I'm a member of the Air Force. Just like you."
"JJJJ-"
Carter gave up on that one, tighting her empty hand into a fist. Jack thought that she was going to crumple the sticker up, but she kept staring at it. She tried to put it on her own shirt, but it wasn't sticky enough now.
"I'm going to need that back, Carter." he said lightly.
She gave him a look and held on to it possessively. Jack supposed it wasn't that big of a deal. All he was going to do once he left her room was leave the hospital and he didn't need the sticker for that.
"Carrr...tterrr."
Jack felt himself almost light up at this, because it was the first time that she had referred to herself since she had woken up. He was having a hard time not making such a big deal out of it, even though he wanted to. Carter seemed to realize that something was up, however.
"Carter." he confirmed, pointing at her.
She went back to her cards. Jack edged closer.
"Want some help?" he asked, tapping the cards.
She shifted and picked up one of the cards, looking at it. It was the three of hearts.
"Onnne. Onnnnee. Onne." she got out.
Jack didn't know what to say to that, but Carter startled him by suddenly lashing out and sending the cards flying all over the place. She even knocked over the tray, which was a hard thing to do. He jerked back, surprised by this.
Carter looked furious. She got a hold of the plastic pitcher that held water and threw that too, sending water flying through the air. She went for the cup next and Jack caught her wrist, though it wasn't like a plastic cup could do a lot of damage.
She shrieked like he had hurt her, though he wasn't holding her wrist that tightly. And she hit him.
Jack saw stars explode across his vision. Carter had never hit him before and in his shock, he let her go. That only seemed to enable her. She went after him again and Jack barely managed to stop her. He didn't want to hurt her, but he certainly didn't want her to hurt him again. He knew that if Carter had been in her right mind, she would have been upset at the idea of hurting him. He had no idea what she thought or felt now.
Jack managed to throw her back on to the bed and not off of it, which was good, but his eye was hurting and he could feel the swelling already starting.
Carter started screaming, making Jack almost jump out of his skin. She was clearly panicking and he had no idea what to do about it.
"Carter! Carter, calm down! It's okay. It's okay!"
She lashed out again and Jack leapt back, surprised by the the look of fury on her face. Just then Fraiser and some orderlies came rushing in.
"Get back, Colonel." Fraiser ordered.
Jack obeyed, but he didn't leave the room, watching as the orderlies ended up having to pin Carter to the bed even as Fraiser talked soothingly to Carter. She had a syringe, Jack realized, and wondered what the hell she was doing with it. Still talking soothingly to Carter, she slid the needle into her arm and pushed down on the plunger.
It wasn't long before Carter went limp. She wasn't unconscious, not yet, but she wasn't screaming or fighting anymore and her eyes were already glazed.
Fraiser stroked some of Carter's hair away from her forehead gently, pain in her eyes. The orderlies left the room at her order.
Once they were gone, Fraiser was suddenly all business as she dropped the used needle into the bin.
"What happened?" she asked, as if it were Jack's fault that Sam had gone all crazy like that.
Maybe it had been.
He didn't really know, but he was willing to believe that he had done something wrong.
"She just...she freaked out. She was talking-"
"Talking?" Fraiser echoed.
Jack nodded. He guessed that was something that Carter hadn't been doing with anyone. He hadn't really asked, because he knew that if she had, someone would have mentioned it.
Fraiser looked torn and glanced at Carter, whose eyes were already half way shut.
"Come with me, Colonel."
Jack obeyed and they ended up sitting in Fraiser's office together. He had to describe his entire interaction with Carter. She wrote some of it down. Jack was antsy.
"Does that mean anything good, doc?" he asked.
"I don't know. What you're describing, coupled with what I've witnessed...It's very possible that Sam has what we call Broca's Aphasia."
Jack had no idea what that was, though he remembered Daniel spouting off about the Broca Divide when all that caveman stuff had been going on, but he wasn't sure what Fraiser meant here.
"What's that?"
"To put it very simply, Colonel, it means that her thoughts...they get scrambled on their way out when she tries to talk. She understands well enough, but the act of talking is much harder. She can make sense, in a way, but it comes across as strange to the rest of us. It's why she said 'one' three times instead of the word 'three'. The concept got scrambled."
Jack thought about this for a few moments.
"What does that mean? Will she get better?"
"I honestly don't know." Fraiser said, sorrow in her eyes. "There is treatment and therapy, but we don't know the full extant of the damage done to Sam. We can see it on scans, but we don't know how it's effected her beyond the basic. Her mind...it's not the same as it was. It's never going to be."
Jack had known that, deep down, but he just stared at Fraiser, not knowing what to say. It suddenly felt like there was a rock sitting in his chest. A big, heavy one that he couldn't get rid of. He couldn't say anything.
Fraiser reached over and put a hand over Jack's, squeezing it tightly. Jack looked at her and squeezed it back, knowing that everything from here was going to be so much harder than he could have ever dreamed.
Author's Note: I have tried to do research on brain damage, along with Broca's Aphasia, but the information available is not the best, so any and all mistakes are mine. I will try to get the next chapter up sooner, but at this point, no promises can be made.
