Hello everyone! Apologies for a bit of a late chapter. I didn't expect this one to take as long as it did. I'm hoping to get the next chapter out sooner, but considering I said the same thing last time, I would ask that you temper your expectations (Sorry).
Thank you all for over 150 followers! I can't say it enough that I appreciate each and every one of you for giving my story a chance.
Please enjoy chapter 19!
"Not being in contact with the world for years has been… difficult. Even that small interaction I had with Jeremy felt so uncomfortable. I don't think either of us wanted to be in that room together.
"All that time I spent in the Deity Lab definitely didn't help. All those different people pushing, hurting, torturing me… It was awful in every way. But it did help me realize one thing.
"There are two types of people you can have relationships with: Regular people, and Soul."
Date: February 2nd
Matthew had been worrying all week.
He was sitting on the edge of the bed, one hand finger-combing his hair. The morning sun shone through the cracks in the curtain. It was the first nice day in a while, though Matthew found trouble taking it in.
It didn't matter what he was doing. He had delivered four more messages since that fateful night, and all he could think about was what had happened. He had talked with Brian about what happened in the Deity Lab, and despite feeling anxiety while telling it and relief when Brian understood and comforted him, the feeling lingered. He couldn't escape it.
That kiss with Shali was haunting him.
Brian had left for work some time ago, taking Pele with him. Matthew had wanted to see him off, though that proved difficult with his other hand locking him in place.
He turned back and saw himself still snared by his bedmate. Despite Shali still being in the depths of sleep, her paw was latched onto his hand.
A week of sleeping together. It always started out awkward, mainly with him trying to find a position that was comfortable for both of them, even though Matthew chose to sleep with his clothes on. Then came the sleeping, which was something that always managed to hold his worry off. It was present, though pushed far into the background. It was something about the way Shali was pushed against him and how he could feel the breath rise and fall in her chest. It lulled him in and kept him there. In truth, the past week had been some of the best sleep he had in years. And then there was waking up.
A week of sleeping together, and he still couldn't figure out how to wake up first.
He had always woken up before Shali, and that hadn't been a problem when they weren't sharing the same bed. But every morning, he awoke with his hand or arm trapped by her. He didn't mind it, she was rather gentle about it, he just didn't feel like he could pull away from her.
It had all snuck up on him. And he hadn't been ready for it. He had liked Shali a lot, though only ever saw her as a friend. But that night, when she put her paw on his cheek and told him how she felt, there was a paradigm shift. It was as though he had put on glasses for the first time. And so, he did the one thing that made sense to him at that moment.
Matthew really did like her. But from that came the worry. Ever since that night, they had never talked about the kiss or tried to do it again. There were a few times where he had psyched himself up, ready to kiss her, only to never find the moment. And still, at the end of the day, they would go to sleep together, with Matthew silently cursing himself for not following through.
The reality of it was that he was scared. He had never been in a relationship before. Nothing ever serious at least. The idea of his first relationship being with a pokemon was something he never even thought was possible. There was a social taboo of such relationships, though that wasn't something Matthew cared about.
He wanted to be good to her because she was good to him. That's all there was to it, and it was simple. The problem was he had no idea what he was doing.
Shali's paw on his hand tightened and she stirred. Matthew watched as her ears twitched and her tail flicked around behind her. Her eyelids peeled back and revealed her red eyes.
Fuck, she's pretty, he thought. He didn't know how he never saw it before.
"Good morning," she muttered, sitting up. She yawned, raising one paw over her head while keeping the other connected to Matthew's hand.
"Y-Yeah, good morning." His eyes were fixed on her, an action that he increasingly caught himself doing.
Shali let go of his hand to stretch it as well. Matthew felt a bit of envy that she was able to treat it as the simple action it was.
"Have you been awake long?" she asked.
"Not that long." That was partially true. Though he didn't want Shali to know that he had been up for fifteen minutes now. He didn't want her to feel that she was doing something wrong by holding onto his hand in her sleep. After all, it did feel good.
"I felt you get up." She sat up on the bed, "Did I wake you?"
"No, not at all. I just heard Brian coming down." That was the full truth, and one that made him scramble out of bed to hide his held hand.
"What did he say?"
"He just wanted to say good morning. He's headed out to work and Pele's with him." Matthew found himself sitting fully on the bed, Shali right next to him. "I'm surprised you didn't hear him. He wasn't exactly quiet."
She turned to him, a smile on her face. "Sleeping with you… I'm not sure why, but it feels a lot deeper than before. I don't think anything could wake me up as long as I'm lying next to you."
Heat flared up in Matthew's cheeks. And if Shali's giggle was any indication, he was blushing up a storm. Her laugh was like music to his ears, and he started smiling too.
It was times like these that allowed Matthew to stop worrying for a moment. Regardless of how brief it was, just sharing a laugh was enough for him to forget about everything on his mind. Though as it tapered off, he felt it all come back. The fears, the doubts, the uncertainties, the–
"Matthew… is something wrong?"
Shali's voice made him jump. He turned to her and quickly shook his head. "Nothing… it's just… some stuff I'm overthinking."
She gave him a concerned look, "What stuff?"
"It's…" He wanted to say, 'the relationship', but that wasn't what came out. "...the missions." He cringed and kept going, "Everything's been going well but that's just it. Nothing's gone wrong since the second message. It feels like something's off."
Shali nodded and scooted closer to him. "You're just overthinking it. You've made a lot of progress and that's good. You said Team Saber barely made contact with you these last few times, right?"
Matthew blinked. I lied but she didn't call me out on it? "Y-Yeah. Just enough for them to notice me and then I leave."
"Then don't worry, okay? You're doing good." She put a paw on his shoulder and rubbed it lightly.
This has never happened before. She saw my aura, right? She– He mentally slapped himself. He lied to her. Why did he do that? What was so wrong with coming forward and just saying it outright? It would clear everything up and make things better between them. All he had to do was just say–
"Matthew? Are you sure nothing else is wrong?" Shali looked at him. Her eyes pierced through him. She wasn't reading his aura, it felt like she was reading his soul.
I… I just can't. He wanted to keep this the way it was. Shali was with him. She liked him as he liked her. If I tell her, what if that disrupts everything? What if we can't see each other the same way after that? I don't want to lose this.
Matthew shook his head and put on a smile. "I'm sure. Thank you though, Shali. I appreciated that."
She looked like she wanted to say something, but just sighed and quietly said, "You're welcome." She pulled her paw back from his shoulder, her mood dropping a bit.
His heart ached as he saw her low expression. "Hey, I was thinking. Maybe we could go out to that forest today. The one we sparred in. Would that be good?" He found himself saying words without thought. Just anything to see her smile again.
Shali looked up at him, her expression lighter, "To do what?"
He shrugged, "Soccer? I saw you and Brian playing it the other day. It looked like you were having fun."
A small smile formed on her lips. "I was. I liked kicking that ball around. Though, I couldn't keep control of it that well."
Matthew exhaled as the world finally felt right again. "I could teach you a bit more if you'd like. I'm a little rusty but I'm certainly not out of commission."
"I'd like that. But if I get the sense that you're going easy on me, I'll show you just how hard I can kick that ball."
He smirked. "Oh, don't you worry. Nothing's being held back here. I'll have you begging for me to teach you everything."
"Bold of you to predict your own fate."
"As if I'd beg for you."
"Prove me wrong then."
They were both quiet, and Matthew only realized how close they were when they started laughing. It was light, yet full, and made Matthew forget about everything else and only focus on Shali.
And now the laughter was tapering off and they were both left with the soft sound of each other's breathing. Matthew couldn't help but notice how perfect Shali's smile was. As long as he stared at it, he felt his own smile would never falter.
They were still looking at each other, and Matthew felt tension tie itself in a knot inside him. At that moment, it was only them. He didn't move from where he was, nor did Shali. She looked at him warmly, making his breath short. Deep in his mind, he could feel a subtle yearning to do something. He didn't know what that something was, but he knew it would relieve the tension if he did it.
She's a lucario but for some reason it just feels right. Just being with her in this moment feels right. Just like how it felt that night last week. I want to give her everything and more and just be happy with her. If I just talk to her about why I'm feeling scared about all this, it can all go away and be like that. But I didn't and just lied my way through. Why did I do that? It could just be over with. I could tell her and… and…
Fuck!
"I'm…" He pulled himself away from Shali, "...going to find the ball… yeah."
Shali blinked a few times before moving back slightly. "O-Oh… okay." Her smile was lost again and with that, so was his. She looked away from him. "I think it's somewhere in the living room now. Pele was playing with it."
He cringed at her dejected tone but forced a small smile back on his face. "Thanks. I'll get it and we can ship out. Is that alright with you?"
"Sure." Her paws clenched and she shook her head. She turned to him with a smile that looked as forced as his own. "Sorry. Yes, it's alright, Matthew."
He nodded and got off the bed and made his way to the door, stopping forward and looking back at her. "If you wanted to come with…"
"That's fine, I'll be okay here."
"Alright." Despite his effort, he heard a small amount of hurt slip out in his tone.
He opened the door and stepped outside. As he was walking through the hallway he paused and sighed. He raked his fingers through his hair.
What the hell is wrong with you? You want to be good to Shali, but you won't just tell her how you're feeling? Apparently not. The moment was perfect, and yet he ruined it. Just him and Shali and nothing else. It was just like last week and–
Something clicked in his mind. Oh Arceus. Was she waiting for me to kiss her? He gave his head a shake and wiped his face with his hands. No, no, no. Damn it! The one time there's a moment and I screw it up. Great job, Matthew.
But the thought tore at him the more he reflected on it. A kiss wouldn't have done anything but make his situation more precarious. In that moment, everything would've felt right, because everything would've been right. But what would happen after the moment passed? They'd be closer than before, and that would only serve to exacerbate what he was already feeling.
If I just told her, I could be done with this… But I just don't want to risk it now. I don't want to ruin this. I want things to just stay how they are… Fuck.
He sighed and continued down the hallway. Well, Neo. No snide comments? I thought you would've been chomping at the bit to get your word in.
Neo didn't respond. And Matthew realized that Neo probably couldn't rag on him anymore than he already had done himself.
Soul stood in the observation room, looking down at the arena. It flashed from darkness to light every three seconds, allowing her to catch half the actions that Colvin and the zoroark he was facing off against were making. The flashes had been Colvin's idea, he wanted to push his body further and ensure he could do work in the light. It was his tenth fight of the day.
Her eyes were focused on the battle at hand, but her mind was elsewhere. It had been like this for some time now, and it was not something she was pleased with. Instead of Colvin, her thoughts were dominated by Matthew.
There had been sightings of him. A rare occurrence, albeit an expected one. But that didn't bother her. What did was the fact that he had been spotted four times within the last week, and six times within the last two. It was unnatural for Matthew. There were times that they would go months without catching a glimpse of him, and now it was every two days.
He was planning something. She knew it as well as all of Team Saber. And she felt that effect. It started off like an itch; it was small, unassuming, but annoying nevertheless. As much as she tried to ignore it, the itch made itself more known until it was screaming at her to scratch it.
It was the urge.
That feeling of control she had was ever so slightly slipping away. Perhaps a minor amount, but even that was too much. The urge was starved, and it ate away at her as she tried to ignore it. She had thought she was beyond it after Matthew, but that appeared untrue, much to her dismay. Nothing could stop its growth, and the increased sightings of Matthew only accelerated its festering.
And so, she indulged it.
She almost felt shame that it had brought her so much pleasure, though neither lasted very long. It hadn't been enough. The urge was still craving more, and she knew why. There was a well-defined line between having control and exercising it. What she had gained from indulging it was the former. And exercising it was what she planned to do today. That would settle things. The urge would be gone, and she would continue as normal.
But until she could exercise it, the urge remained. And watching Colvin fight down below her made it blaze like a bonfire. Just something small. That would be all, she thought, sighing. It would hold it off just a bit more. That's all I need.
Below, Colvin sidestepped an incoming slash from the zoroark and fired a dark pulse in response. The arena went dark. When it came back, the pokemon was back several feet but didn't hesitate and kept the pressure on Colvin. The fight wouldn't be ending any time soon, and that's what Soul counted on.
She turned away from the observation window and looked out at all the technicians dutifully working away at their computers. Their job wasn't easy. Maintaining Colvin's control apparatus so that it worked smoothly was a complex task, and she was proud that this group of twenty of Team Saber's most skilled individuals were up to it.
It wasn't unfamiliar territory for her. She had gone to them just a week ago for the adjustment she made on Colvin's apparatus. That one was permanent; this would only be temporary.
She walked up to one of the technicians, specifically the one she had spoken with before. He was good. He served Team Saber well. But more importantly, he served her well.
"Hello Cecil," Soul said, stopping just beside him.
While his hands still typed on the keyboard, Cecil looked up and gave a polite look. He had short, clean, brown hair, and a thin face. "Hello, boss. It's very good to see you."
"I trust you are well?"
"Yes, boss. Very much so. I trust you are the same?"
"I am, thank you." She looked at Cecil's monitor. Various graphs were continuously generating, lines of computer jargon spat out at a rapid pace, and an array of numbers on the right side iterated and fluctuated faster than she could process. She didn't pretend to understand any of it. She knew Cecil and the rest were able to read it as though it were plain English. "How is our control over Colvin?"
Cecil turned back to his work. "Control remains steady. There haven't been any anomalies aside from the one we detected last week. I'd reckon to say he's been the most stable since the apparatus was installed."
"Good." She smiled, "Then I would like to request something of you."
He looked at her, "Is it similar to what you asked last week? We should be able to perform any change without issue after NH-4 has completed training for the day."
"I'm not looking to change anything of that nature."
"What is it, boss?"
"I'd like for you to disable Colvin's powers. A minute and nothing longer."
Cecil's typing slowed and he rubbed his chin with one hand. "That… can be done. When would you like it to happen?"
"Immediately. Is there any trouble?"
He shook his head. "Not at all. I'll begin the preparations."
"Notify me when it is ready." She stepped away. This was why Cecil was good. He didn't question her, no matter what she asked of him. Most of Team Saber had that rapport with her, though some did not. Those like Cecil tended to last longer than the others.
She walked back to the observation window. As expected, Colvin and the zoroark were still fighting. They appeared even, although the zoroark was beginning to show signs of exhaustion. Its strikes, while fast, were beginning to lose accuracy, and Colvin was pushing it back.
Colvin was doing so well. So much better than anyone had ever expected. It had taken Matthew the better part of a year to reach ten fights, whereas Colvin had done the same in just under two weeks. His drive was powerful and truly unmatched, and that made Soul proud. It also made the urge that much stronger, though it would soon be compensated.
"Boss? The preparations are complete, shall I disable NH-4's powers?" Cecil said from behind.
"Please do so."
She kept her eyes on the fight below. Colvin had fired off a dark pulse, and the arena went dark. The light returned, and the zoroark was on the ground, its teeth bared in pain. After a moment of pause, Colvin started a warpath towards the pokemon. Seeing this, the zoroark scrambled back, fear in its eyes, but could do little about Colvin's impending attack. He raised his hand, pointed it at the zoroark and…
…Nothing. He tried again, and still nothing. Dark, then light. His free hand was reached out to the side, keeping the other trained on the zoroark. His face tightened up in concentration as whatever efforts he had to use his powers were in vain.
Soul felt a rush. One that she hadn't let herself feel in so long. It was pure dopamine injected straight into her brain that filled her with overwhelming pleasure. Like being wrapped in a warm blanket after stepping out of a winter storm. She savored it, momentarily losing focus with the battle below.
The zoroark had gotten wise to Colvin's predicament. Slowly standing up, it cautiously stepped towards him before its confidence returned and started on its own warpath. Its claws glowed bright purple. The arena was dark, but the zoroark's claws were still visible.
Light again. Colvin broke his stance and ducked his head from a night slash attack. He stepped back to avoid another slash but was too slow for the last. Faster than she could perceive, three large parallel cuts suddenly appeared on Colvin's chest.
Dark. There was nothing for a moment, then a large collection of indigo energy focused on a single point. Light. It was the zoroark, the dark pulse almost fully prepared in its mouth. Colvin held his chest, blood seeping through his fingers. His eyes never left the zoroark, but he was helpless to do anything. He raised both hands to protect his face as the pokemon fired at point-blank range.
Dark. An impact made the observation tremble. After seconds of anticipation, the light came back. Colvin was on the floor, unconscious.
The arena went dark as Soul turned away, slowly breathing as she regained control of herself. The rush was fading now, though its effects were still felt. She walked back to Cecil, restoring her composure and putting her small smile back on.
Cecil looked at her as she approached. "Boss, it appears NH-4–"
"I'm aware."
"Ah… I see." Cecil's eyes left hers for a moment. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No, that will be all." Soul went to step away, only to have a surfacing thought stop her in her tracks. She leaned down to Cecil, who had focused his attention back on the monitor. "Well, one more thing."
"Boss...?" Cecil didn't turn his head and kept looking at his screen, though his typing had slowed dramatically.
"I can be assured that what transpired here won't be shared with The Doctor, correct?" she whispered.
"O-Of course not."
"Really? So, I can assume you won't make the same mistake as last week, yes?"
He shook his head. "I-It wasn't me… It was one of the newer technicians. He's just over–"
"I have no interest in who did it. You all work as a unit. And so, you are treated as one as well. Look out and manage each other. Am I understood?"
Cecil nodded his head vigorously, "Yes, boss. I understand and will notify the others."
"Good. Thank you, Cecil." With that, Soul continued her way past the technicians and out of the observation room.
There was no rush from her small interaction with Cecil. It was all too easy, and there was hardly anything for her to gain from it. Like using one-pound weights for exercises when one is a professional bodybuilder. Unnecessary and wasteful, though mildly amusing as to how easily they can be thrown around.
Colvin was far from that. He was a Neo-human, the strongest one ever created. To have even a modicum of power and control over him was ecstasy to her. There had been small moments here and there, ones that had been greatly satisfying to her, but none that had truly sated the urge.
Turning off Colvin's powers had been only the start. She had something far more planned, something that foamed glee every time she thought about it.
She played with the gold ring on her finger. The urge had been indulged. And soon it would feast.
Matthew steadily kicked the ball across the frozen ground, moving slightly to the left to avoid a patch of snow. His eyes looked up, seeking out the two goal posts that Shali had planted in the ground when they arrived. The path ahead was clear, though that would likely change soon.
They had been playing for an hour now, just a simple game of getting the ball through the other's net. They weren't keeping score, though he estimated it was roughly even. He remembered the many times in his backyard where he and Brian would just do it until the night grew cold and dark, laughing and joking around the entire time. He imagined doing it with Shali would be the same.
Well, imagine was definitely the right word.
He was still shaking off the rust, but everything just felt off. Like he was playing at an incline so slight and ever-changing that he was still able to function, though never able to feel comfortable. It wasn't tiredness, he still had plenty of energy to burn and he knew Shali did as well.
Which brought him to a conclusion he disliked. It was Shali. He couldn't stop thinking about her. Every effort to ignore the imposing thoughts of her and the relationship was met with twice the pushback. It made him feel defeated, though he stubbornly pushed through and kept trying.
You lied to her. Why didn't you tell her? All you had to do was tell her and it would be over, he thought.
It would be over. And that scared him. Would anything change? If anything, then by how much? He didn't need to rock the boat. Things were fine. They didn't need to be perfect. The fact that he was with Shali at all was something he cherished, and not something that he wanted changed. It was fine. At least, that's what he wanted to believe.
Running up from behind, Shali blew past him and stood in front of her goal, eyes locked on the ball. He looked down, careful of his footwork. Shali was nothing if not relentless in soccer, and it was easy to lose the ball to her. A lucario's speed wasn't to be underestimated.
He approached, and as he did, Shali launched forward. Panic set in and he quickly spun around, taking the ball with him. She narrowly missed the ball and Matthew kept going, knowing he didn't have much time to score.
It was a clean shot. There were no obstacles in his way, just the two goal posts and the space between them in which he aimed. He stopped, pulled his leg back, fired it off and–
Why didn't you tell her?
–he whiffed it against the side of his shoe, making it spin and barely go anywhere. He could only stare at it and sigh as Shali ran across his vision, taking the ball with her.
There was barely time to think about what had happened as he took off after her. She was still fast, though her lack of control made her slow down dramatically. It was feasible to catch up, and he tried his best. He kept going, running, and–
Why didn't you tell her?
–slipped on a patch of snow that he hadn't seen. He caught himself and pushed off the frozen ground, going to run once more.
It was already lost; Shali was too far ahead now. She was too close to his net now. Just a light kick was all that was necessary and she would get the point… So why wasn't she doing it?
Shali had stopped. Her foot resting on the ball, she turned and looked at him. Matthew felt his stomach drop.
Fuck.
"Matthew, what's wrong?" she asked.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "Nothing. Why'd you stop? You're nearly there." He jogged over to her, wearing a false smile. He stopped just a few feet away.
She closed her eyes and breathed out. She took her foot off the ball and faced him fully. "Matthew?"
"Yes?"
"Please."
"Please? What do you–"
"Please, Matthew."
"I don't even… What are you talking about?"
The question permeated in the air as Shali didn't respond. Judging by her expression, she knew she didn't need to. Matthew could feel himself starting to fold under the thoughts were creeping in on him and his smile faltered a few degrees. Just stop lying and tell her.
He looked down. "Can we… not do this? Please?"
No response again. The pressure built. His smile disappeared completely, and he sighed. Just stop.
"Shali…"
That was as far as he got before he stopped trying to fight it. He sat down on the frozen ground, not minding the cold, and put his head in his hands.
What did you think was going to happen, Matthew? You were never going to get away with this forever. He kept his head down, staring at the ground.
Then, a small pressure on his head. From the outside instead of within this time. As he was trying to figure out what it was, the pressure began stroking his head, softly going over his hair. His thoughts died down, and he let himself breathe.
Matthew put his hands down and looked up. Shali was sitting close to him, her paw outstretched and on his head.
She was petting him.
"You don't…" he mumbled.
"It's okay," she said, continuing to stroke his hair.
It went on for some time as Matthew breathed and collected himself. It was such a simple action, but it was all the more reassuring. He closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of her paw on his head. It was a wave of calm washing over him, and soon he found himself speaking again.
"I haven't stopped thinking about that night since it happened," he said, moving to sit upright. Shali took her paw off his head and he felt a twinge of sadness from it. "It just keeps repeating over and over like a dream."
"I know how you feel," Shali said, smiling slightly. "It was nice."
"It was… I just wish it could've stayed that way."
"What do you mean?"
Matthew felt it. He could still stop now. He could still lie and come out of it fine. He wouldn't need to deal with any of it.
Don't, his mind whispered, just don't.
"That moment…" he started, taking a breath, "That moment when you said how you felt about me after I had told you everything. It was really… It was perfect. All that stress, guilt, fear, I felt everything come off at once. It was like I was just floating there with you, and nothing else mattered."
He closed his eyes. There wasn't any stopping now.
"Then the moment passed, and it was okay for a while. We slept and I thought everything would be behind me. But it all came back. I wasn't worried about what you would think of my past, I was…" He swallowed.
"What is it?" Shali asked. Her tone was still kind, and that was enough for him to keep going.
"I was worried about us. I felt completely lost and had no idea what I was doing. I mean… I never really did any of this before and I always thought it would be simple." Matthew chuckled, shaking his head. "I didn't know what else to do, but I wanted to get that moment back and feel like I was floating again."
"And did you?" This time her tone was lined with concern.
"A lot of times, actually. And it was great. But it always disappeared after a few seconds, and I was back where I was before." He gathered himself and looked at her. "Shali, the days I've spent with you have been some of the best of my life. And I don't want to mess up anything between us but… I'm scared. I feel like I'm blindfolded and have to navigate a minefield. I know it's stupid to think like that and I know it probably won't matter if I do something a little stupid… but I keep wondering if it will. And… if I don't speak about anything, I don't try anything and everything stays the same… then things will be okay. And they have been… They… haven't, but… if it means that you're still there with me, then I can live with that."
He breathed, noticing the cold temperature much more than before. Everything was out there now, and he couldn't change that. There… I did it. I told her and… and it's going to be okay, right? It has to be. I did mess up but… but… Oh, fuck, why is she being so quiet. I messed up bad. I messed up really bad. Fuck, please, I'm sorry, I–
"Matthew, if I had known you were going through all this, I would've asked sooner," Shali said. She reached over with her paw and took his hand, holding it lightly. "I'm sorry."
Matthew felt it appear again. The moment. But it was different; it wasn't just that his worries were held off, it was almost like they were being cleansed and washed away. His mind echoed only one thought, one that forced out every worry he had.
It's okay.
He shook his head and closed his hand around her paw. "You shouldn't be sorry, Shali. I really should've told you a lot sooner than this. I could've just avoided it all. I'm sorry." He wiped his face. "I don't even know why I tried to avoid it. You probably already knew with my aura."
"I didn't."
"What?"
"I haven't been reading your aura ever since that night," Shali said, looking down. "Now that we're together, I didn't want to pry at your aura to know how you were feeling."
"You didn't have to do that, really. I don't mind it."
"It's not that. I want you to be honest with me, Matthew. I want to trust that you're always going to be, and I won't have to see that you're lying."
Matthew nodded, feeling guilt as he remembered what he did earlier that day. "I want that trust too. So let me do this." He straightened his posture, "Shali, I will do better, and I will not lie to you. If something comes up, then I will talk with you and will not hide it away, that is my promise."
She looked at him and nodded, extending her other paw. "Promise."
"Promise," he said, taking her paw with his hand, now holding them both.
They both smiled at each other, both of theirs were filled with relief and released the tension that remained. As though on cue, Matthew felt the moment leave again, but the worries didn't return nearly as strong. They were still present, though tucked far away in the back of his mind and didn't intrude on any of his thoughts. He knew that if he kept that promise with Shali, that those worries would remain there.
"What you said before, it's the same for me," Shali said, "I've never done this before. Being together like this."
"Well, I guess that means we'll have to figure everything out, huh?" Matthew said.
"And not do it like this again."
"No, definitely not. I don't want anything like this to happen again, and I'll make sure it doesn't."
"Thank you." She looked up for a second, then at him. "Matthew, I'm not sure what I'm doing either. Everything I've done up until now with you have just been things that I thought I should do, so I did them. I don't know if you think it's good or bad or… something."
"No, not at all. I've enjoyed every bit of it, honestly. Talking, playing, sleeping with you, it's all great." He hesitated speaking for a moment before shaking the nerves off. "Though, there's a small thing."
"Yes? What is it?"
"It's just that when I wake up… you're holding onto my hand. It's nice, and I do enjoy it, but I feel like I can't just let go of it and leave the bed until you're up."
"Oh," she said, a little surprise in her voice. "You can let go if you want, I don't mind it."
"Thank you, I… Sorry, that was a stupid thing to bring up. It really wasn't that big of a deal."
"No, Matthew. I'm glad we're talking like this."
"Well, in that case, is there anything I've done or not done that you want to tell me about?" he asked. His breath hitched and he hastily added, "A-Aside from what we already talked about, of course."
Shali laughed lightly and shook her head. But as Matthew went to speak, she gained a flustered look as her paws lightly squeezed his hands.
"You haven't…" she started, pausing as though she were trying to find the right words, "...done that thing to me again. What you did that night."
"That thing? Wha– Oh. Oh." He found himself making the same face Shali had.
"It's not too much to ask?"
"Not at all! I-I just didn't expect it. But yes, I'd love to kiss you again."
Her expression turned to confusion. "Kiss?"
"Yes? Was there something else?"
"When we touched our lips together… Was that kissing?"
"Yeah… You never knew what it was?"
"Well, no. I wasn't sure what you were doing that night but when you did 'kiss' me, it was… I liked it. A lot."
Matthew smiled, remembering how he felt during that time. How blissful it was. "It's how humans express intimate affection towards each other. I'm glad you liked it though. Now…" He leaned in closer to Shali, moving one of his hands from her paw to her cheek, lightly caressing it. "Would you like me to…?"
"Please do." She took her paw and placed it on the back of his neck.
He closed his eyes and leaned in, connecting with Shali's lips. It felt just as good as before, if not more so. The connection was light at first, but deepened as his hands and her paws made their way to each other's sides and backs, holding them close together.
Matthew pulled back and breathed lightly. Shali was looking at him with half-lidded eyes, her mouth slightly open, showing a hint of her teeth.
"Was that g–" was all Matthew could say before Shali pulled him in for another kiss, this one much more aggressive and passionate. Surprised at first, he was quick to fight back and match Shali's effort.
Emboldened, he prodded Shali's mouth with his tongue. He was initially met with no resistance as she invited him in, only to retaliate with her own tongue. They explored each other's mouths, their tongues fighting and dancing as their hands and paws grabbed and squeezed. Neither let up, and neither wanted to stop.
Her tongue pushed deeper, a feat he couldn't match though he desperately tried. He still didn't pull back and embraced the sensations that coursed through him. Almost in sync with each other, they both lightly moaned in pleasure.
Finally, Shali pulled back from him, a saliva string still connecting the short distance between their mouths. Matthew only realized then that he was lying fully on his back on the grass and Shali was on top of him.
"That… That was…" he said, his breath heavy.
"I couldn't stop myself…" Shali said, her breath just as heavy. "Your lips… your tongue… It felt amazing."
"Yours too…" He took his hands and held her in a normal hug. She responded in kind and laid against his chest, their heads nuzzling against each other.
They remained in that state, neither saying a word. Matthew could feel the rise and fall of Shali's breath in her chest against his own, a steady rhythm that blocked out everything else. All his worries seemed like a distant memory.
"So… should we keep playing soccer?" Matthew asked.
Shali glanced up at him. "Later. I want to stay like this for a while."
"I'm okay with that."
Soul could barely contain herself as she stood in front of Colvin's room, endlessly twisting the ring on her finger. There was already a groove pressed into her finger from her actions though she didn't mind it. The ring wasn't leaving her finger any time soon.
Colvin had just returned from getting his injuries healed. They were relatively minimal, though still required some attention. He would be fully ready for tomorrow's series of fights but until then he remained in his room.
Soul breathed, putting both her hands down and took out her master key card. She scanned the card and a light beep played in her ears. The door slid open, revealing the darkened room. Without hesitation, she stepped inside and the door slid behind her, leaving her in the room with Colvin.
"Soul? Is that you?" Colvin said to her left.
"Yes, Colvin," she said, walking towards the voice.
"I'm on the bed. Same place as before."
This was the fourth time she had visited him like this and it was becoming routine. She could almost make out the layout of the room. It only mattered for her to get to the bed, from there her eyes could adjust to the dark.
She walked the same path she had done before and reached her destination. Sitting down near the foot of the bed, she extended her hand to the left, seemingly into nothingness, and was met with a burly hand.
"Oh, hello," Soul said, beginning to make out the figure of Colvin through the dark. His white hair was the first thing to break through.
"Hey," he replied, shifting to the right by a foot so they would be closer. "I wasn't expecting you to come in today."
"Now why would you think that?"
She could make out his face now, though only saw it for a glimpse before it lowered. "I did poorly today. Something strange happened and I lost earlier than I should have."
A rush ran through her, and she had to suppress a large smile that was threatening to break through. He wants to be with me. He was worried that I wouldn't be here because he disappointed me, she thought. The feeling was electric. "That's precisely why I came, Colvin. I wanted to ensure that you're feeling okay after I heard what occurred," she said, the rush subsiding. "Tell me what happened."
He looked up and Soul could make out more facial features, mainly his miffed frown. "I don't know what happened. My powers just stopped working suddenly. I wasn't out of energy. I know for a fucking fact that I wasn't. But…" He huffed. "When I run out of energy, I absorb more from shadows and darkness, but I just couldn't for whatever reason. It's like… I don't fucking know… like they had just turned off or some shit."
"I don't see any reason why that would happen. Perhaps it was the light in the arena that was giving you trouble?"
"No. The three second intervals are just fine." He suddenly stood up from the bed, their hands disconnecting. "But fuck, I don't understand it! I've never had this problem before! Why now of all times?!"
Soul suppressed another smile and stood up with him. "It's no issue, Colvin. Whatever is plaguing you, I'm certain you'll grow past it. You've been doing wonderful so far."
"It's not enough. And it won't be enough. Not until I'm certain that it won't happen again. I'm not going through all this effort just to have Matthew teleport away when I can't do anything!" His voice at the end was full of chagrin and would've scared Soul had she not been so excited by it.
She reached over and took his hand with little resistance. She felt sparks fly and breathed, keeping herself in control. "Come sit down. I want you to relax."
He paused, took a breath, then returned to his spot on the bed with Soul following. He stared across the room, dismay in his eyes.
She moved closer to him. "You are doing well, Colvin. You should be aware of that. How long are you able to keep the light on now? Thirty seconds, was it?"
"Thirty five. Though, that's just with my hands. With my entire body, it's only fifteen seconds," he said, looking to the left. Soul could make out the faint outline of a lightbulb on his bedside table.
"I want you to show me."
"Practicing with the light?"
"Yes." She broke contact with his hand and held her hand out, keeping her other hand away. "Give me the light."
He reached over and picked up the lightbulb. He placed it in her hand and she looked over the device, admiring the craftwork that the technicians had done. A simple contraption to be sure, but made expertly.
An idea formed in her head. "Your left hand, Colvin."
He reached forward with his left hand and Soul put the lightbulb between it and her own hand, making them hold it together while keeping the bulb exposed. Her fingers were close enough to the bottom button that she was able to press it.
"Is something wrong?" Colvin asked.
The question surprised her. "No, I don't believe so. Why do you ask?"
"You're favoring your left hand. Every time you've been here before, you used your right hand to do everything. Did you hurt it?"
"Oh, it's…" His perception had been unexpected, his concern even more. She felt a small warmth in her chest, a feeling far different to the urge, but one that she still enjoyed. She kept her right hand behind her, making sure it was still out of view. "It's nothing serious, you need not worry."
Colvin nodded and turned his attention back to the lightbulb, grimacing at it.
"Are you ready?" Soul asked.
Another nod and the room was instantly brightened.
The light had caught her off guard, the dramatic shift momentarily blinding her. After only a second, she opened her eyes and looked at Colvin.
His skin was pale from the light, making his large figure appear slightly smaller. His white hair practically glowed, acting almost like snow on a bright and sunny day. Although his brow was scrunched together in concentration, it did nothing to mar his handsomeness.
"It is nice seeing your face in the light," she said.
Colvin didn't respond, continuing to look at the lightbulb. His face was steady. So far, he was doing well. "Five seconds…" he whispered.
As the seconds ticked by, Soul saw the steadiness crumble away as his hands and face shook from discomfort. The light wavered at the movements and caused the shadows to flicker around them.
"Keep going," she said, sliding her thumb over the button.
"Ten… seconds…" His voice was strained. The shadows trembled as the light shook more. It was to the point that Soul imagined the light would've fallen out of Colvin's grasp had she not been there holding it with him.
His face looked like it was breaking apart. Tears beaded in the corners of his eyes but did not fall. He took quick, uneven breaths that were stifling noises of pain. Soul knew it would be over soon. Over in Colvin's mind, at least.
"Twelve… I can't… That's enough, turn it off."
"No," Soul said. "You can keep going."
"What?" Colvin moved one of his fingers to turn off the light, only to be blocked by Soul's thumb. He looked at her, pain and horror in his eyes.
He can't do anything. He won't try to move my thumb. The smile that had been tugging at her finally broke through, spilling out into a small simper.
"That's fifteen seconds," she said, beginning to count in her head.
Sixteen. Colvin's face broke more. Tears fell and he bit into his lip so hard it drew blood. Seventeen. His small breaths gave way to agonized groans and hisses. He wanted so desperately to let go, but Soul was holding his hand, and so he couldn't. His control apparatus wouldn't let him. The shadows jumped around frantically.
Eighteen. Whatever restraint Colvin had put on himself was gone. A yell of pain, quiet at first, crescendoed until it couldn't get any louder. An almost uniform sound with intermittent hitches and cries. It was like music to Soul's ears. Nineteen.
"Fuck! Fuck, it fucking burns! It burns! Stop the light, please!" Colvin pleaded, his face completely broken.
Soul put her smile away and pressed the button. The room was swallowed by black immediately and her surroundings disappeared, only returning after a few seconds of readjustment.
Colvin's body was slumped forward, his chest rising and falling in audible heaves. The shaking in his hands had reduced but was still apparent. Soul pulled the light back from his hand and it fell onto the bed.
The aftershock of the rush was nothing less than rapture. Her heart was thumping excitedly, almost threatening to burst. She put her hand to her chest and breathed deep, slowing it.
He couldn't do anything. I could've kept going and he couldn't have done anything. The thought was beautiful. She felt overwhelmingly satisfied with what had just occurred.
But it wasn't done. She had waited this far into her talk with Colvin without bringing it up, all for this moment. He was weak, at her mercy, and he needed comfort.
Oh, yes. And soon, I will give it to him.
"You did very well, Colvin. That was twenty seconds," she said, taking one of his hands into her own.
There was a subtle nod from him as his spare hand quickly wiped his face before looking up. His eyes were red from tears and there was a small stripe of blood that trailed from the cut on his lip down to his Adam's apple.
"I've never… never… added five seconds more all at once," he said, breathing slowly. "That hurt so fucking much."
"I know it did and I'm sorry, but I wanted to push you further," she said, real and fake sincerity equally present in her voice. With that, she reached out with her other hand and placed it on top of his hand that she was already holding. "I'm very proud of you."
Colvin nodded and his eyes only met hers for a moment before they drifted down to look at their hands. Soul knew what he was looking at. His face froze as he locked onto it. Though dark, the ring still stood out on her finger.
"Where did you get that?" Colvin asked.
"Get what?" she said, playing dumb.
"That ring. It…" He leaned in closer, looking at the ring. Soul could feel his quivering breaths against her hands.
"Is something wrong?" She kept a straight face, but it was becoming increasingly difficult.
"That little scratch there… Fuck, I remember she nearly cut her finger with a knife and that ring stopped it."
She was amused by the fact. She hadn't noticed a scratch on the ring earlier. "Oh? Who are you talking about?"
He looked up. In a quiet, slightly alarmed tone, he asked, "Why do you have Julia's ring?"
There it was. This was what she had been waiting for. She didn't speak and kept her straight face on.
"Soul, why- why do you have this? Why are you wearing it?" Colvin asked. His hands were shaking again. His eyes darted between the ring and Soul. "Please, why the fuck do you have Julia's ring?"
The punch his profanity normally held was gone. Soul knew that he was desperately trying to feel anger towards her. But nothing was getting past the apparatus. Nothing. She let Colvin stew in his own distress.
Colvin drew a breath. "Did she give it to you? Did you take it from her? Did she…" His eyes widened with realization. "O-Oh Arceus…"
Soul broke her silence. "Is something the matter?"
"Julia… Where is she?"
She didn't answer his question and only smiled. It was small, but it said enough.
"W-Where? Fuck, just tell me where, I don't…" Colvin's face broke. "She's… No, please… You didn't, did you? Did you?" He dropped his head to the bed, his forehead flush against the mattress.
"I'm wearing her ring, aren't I?" Soul said simply.
There was but a moment of quiet before Colvin let out a long, quivering exhale. His hands shook violently, and Soul knew they would've been squeezing her hands for all they were worth if it weren't for the apparatus. She knew he was angry at her. She knew he had hatred for her. She knew if given the chance, he would kill her there and then. But none of that was allowed to exist. All he could do was sob.
"Arceus… Julia… Julia…" he sputtered, words barely forming amongst his cries. "She's… she's gone…"
"It was fast," Soul said truthfully. She had been there for it.
Colvin's free hand grabbed at the sheets, gripping them tight. He raised his head and cried out in anguish. The sound filled the room and its echo boomed around them. It was the kind of sound that only existed in the depths of one's being.
The cry died out and Colvin remained where he was, head against the bed, shakily breathing.
Soul felt his hand shaking in hers and took her hand with the ring on it off. She reached her hand under Colvin's lowered head, finding his chin and slowly brought his face up. There was no resistance from him.
His eyes met hers. They were reddened and misty, but no tears were falling. The cut on his lip still bled, but much less than before. There were no signs of anything positive behind his face. Soul couldn't help herself and smiled more. He looks even better now than before, she thought.
Without saying a word, she leaned forward, her hand still connected to his, and kissed him.
It was light and simple, but to Soul it was perfect. She could feel his lips tremble against hers and taste a slight hint of iron from his cut lip. Euphoria flooded her system and she felt content.
But it was different from before. Every time before this, the rush was instant and gratifying. This was more gradual and whole, like a wave washing over her. And it felt better than anything she had ever experienced.
He's a Neo-human. He's able to beat pokemon without so much as a drop of sweat. He could kill anything he wanted to. And now he's here with me, broken. I can control his powers, I can make him serve me at a whim, I killed the one he loved and he can't do anything. He can't do anything.
She pulled back from his lips and looked at Colvin again. It was only for half a moment, but it almost looked like his eyes were indigo, like what had occurred the week prior. But the moment passed and his eyes were still brown. And the pained, defeated look in them was something she could stare at for hours on end.
He made no sounds, and Soul realized that he likely had nothing but negative words for her waiting in his throat. She would never hear them, and knew Colvin would never speak them.
Soul let go of his hand and put both of hers on his shoulders. She pulled him in, letting his head fall against her chest, again with no resistance. She placed one hand on his back and kept the other on his shoulder. Colvin's hands stayed against his sides. A quiet thought rang through her head.
You will treat him right.
The thought was ignored.
She felt it. That domineering urge that had first awakened by Matthew's resilience was officially no longer dormant. She had kept using the excuse that she wanted an equal for so long while still continuously indulging that urge. There had once been some truth to that, but it was gone now. There was no excuse, no lie, nothing no longer. There was no need to tacitly give herself opportunities for further control. She didn't need to hide from herself anymore.
Soul took her hand and ran it through Colvin's hair. The urge was here to stay, and it wouldn't be pushed down no matter if she tried or not. It was final. She giggled at the thought.
She was okay with that.
Shali took in the brisk air and relaxed.
She was leaning back against Matthew's chest, a position he had suggested. While he was clothed, she could feel his warmth on her back and on her midsection where his hands met. It was so comfortable that she had caught herself about to fall asleep twice already, each time jolting upright and earning a light laugh from Matthew.
Soccer had finished. The score was difficult to track, but it seemed Matthew had scored more, especially after their talk. Although part of her was annoyed that she couldn't gain as many goals, Matthew making a turnaround with a spring in his step was something she loved to see.
Part of her felt guilt for not reaching out to Matthew earlier. It had been apparent on his face for days now, and she had hoped that he would tell her on his own. Knowing what the problem was now, she understood why he didn't. It didn't change the fact that she wanted him to be more open and honest, especially now that she wasn't using her aura on him.
But all that was done. They had talked and gotten past it. Matthew had promised her that it wouldn't happen again. Though she couldn't confirm it, his words were laced with a genuineness she couldn't deny.
It wasn't something she worried about now, and she imagined Matthew wasn't worrying about it either. They were together, her resting against him. It was simple. Perfect.
Matthew shifted behind her, his arms moving up for a moment before descending back to their place. He muttered, "Huh," under his breath.
"What is it?" Shali asked, turning her head so she could look at him.
He grinned. "Sorry, it's just… Well, I just noticed that you kind of smell like pecha berries."
"I do?" Shali raised her paw and sniffed. She couldn't make out anything, much less the scent of berries. "I assume that's good?"
"It is. Pecha berries are one of my favorites."
"Then I'm glad I smell like that to you," she said, looking forward. It only lasted a moment as she turned to him again. "Why didn't you notice before?"
"My head was out of whack for nearly a week. I kept thinking about all that stupid stuff I told you," Matthew said. "Now that I'm over it, I feel like I'm noticing so much more about you."
"Like what?"
"Like your fur, it's so soft." He ran his hand over her midsection, making her sigh. "Your paws too, I never expected them to feel so nice." His hand made his way over to one of her paws and they connected. "And your eyes, they're so… red."
Shali gave him a bemused look with a slight smile. "Just red?"
"I don't know… I like them, they're… I don't know, what other words for red are there? Crimson, vermillion… uh…"
"Don't worry, it's okay. You don't have to explain it."
"Okay." He pulled her in closer to him, an action she happily accepted. "Also, I think your ears are adorable," he whispered.
For whatever reason, that was the one that gave her a shiver of delight. Her ears perked and she breathed out slowly.
"Is there anything you've noticed about me? I mean, you were probably more observant than I've been."
"Hmm…" She thought over her answer. "You make noises in your sleep."
"I do?" Matthew said, a hint of consternation in his tone. "I'm sorry you heard that, I hope it wasn't loud."
"It's not loud at all. Just small hums and murmurs. I've even fallen asleep to them before."
"The way you're describing them makes it seem like they're cute."
"They are."
"O-Oh." She looked back and saw his cheeks slightly red. "Thank you? I think?"
"You're very welcome." She quickly kissed him. There was hardly any time to feel anything, but what she did feel, she enjoyed.
Matthew stared at her before a grin took to his lips. He readjusted himself on the grass. "I've been meaning to ask, what's my scent like?"
"I didn't know you were interested," Shali said, a bit surprised.
"It's just after figuring out what you smelled like, I was wondering if I smell as good to you as you do to me."
"Well…" She turned back and looked up at all the trees that surrounded and towered above them, making a vignette for the light blue sky. "It took some time to place, but I know what it is."
"What is it?"
"When I was just a young riolu, I'd run all around the tribe's territory, just going about and exploring like any other child. It was just simple fun." There was a sudden gust of wind, making Matthew shiver. She squeezed his hand with her paw. "One day, I accidentally stepped outside of our territory. I only realized it after I didn't see any more symbols carved on the trees."
"It seems you had the opposite problem I had," Matthew said.
"It does," she agreed, leaning fully back against him so that her head rested against one of his shoulders. "I was going to turn back and return to our territory but… I didn't feel like it."
"You didn't want to go back?"
"No. I eventually did, but at that moment, I just felt like standing there and taking it all in with no one else around." Shali felt Matthew shift behind her. His arm moved to hold her closer. "It was spring and it was pleasantly warm. Tall trees were surrounding me like they are here. The sap running off the bark glistened in the sun. There was a flower at the base of every tree and they were all starting to blossom. The scent of that area… that's what your scent reminds me of."
"Wow…" Silence settled between them and a zephyr blew by, highlighting it. "I have to be honest, in comparison to that, I feel like my assessment of your scent isn't as impressive."
"Don't think about it like that. I don't know my own scent, so learning what it is, no matter the explanation, is good."
"I suppose you're right." He chuckled. "One more question."
Shali turned her head to look at him. "Of course."
Matthew met her gaze. "You mentioned your tribe earlier and I think it's a good time to talk about it."
"About what?"
"What do these mean for us?" he asked, holding his right hand out with his palm down. The black Aperta symbol stuck out against his skin. Shali held her paw out and looked at her mark too.
"They don't mean anything anymore," she said bluntly. "They're just marks from what used to be my tribe. They don't define what we are if that's what you're wondering."
"Huh…"
"Is something wrong?"
"It's just that you seemed so incessant on keeping those things from the blessing… Vows, I think? At least, when we were still in the forest."
She nodded and thought back to the day of the blessing. "I know, and I did follow them for a while. At least until…" Her eyes scanned over the forest before locking on to her target. She pointed at the tree with a large crater in its trunk that was surrounded by blackened bark. She still remembered how it felt when the aura sphere erased the Aperta symbol. Relief. "...that."
Matthew pulled her in closer until her head was just under his own. She wrapped her arms around his midsection.
"I'm sorry it happened like that," Matthew said quietly. "Suddenly changing how you live your life isn't the easiest… I'm glad you got to choose that."
Shali brought her head up so that it was even with Matthew's. "It wasn't, I suppose, bad. I was lucky and had someone there for me," she said. "He was always there, always caring," she grinned, "and rather good at kissing."
Matthew's face flushed. "I could say the same, you know."
She put a paw behind his neck and leaned in. She felt his hand on his back as they kissed again. It was slow, no urgency behind it. She could feel every detail of his lips against hers and though the differences between her muzzle and his mouth were there, they hardly impacted their connection.
A tiny part of her wished to push the kiss further like she did before, but she dismissed it. At that moment, the kiss was just right and she didn't want to tamper with the magic it radiated. She breathed and took in Matthew's scent. Although she knew they would eventually part and the kiss would end, she couldn't help but wish she could remain connected to him forever.
It only occurred to her when she returned to Brian's house that she had left her spear in the bedroom for the entire day.
Colvin sat against the wall on his bed, letting his head hang limp from his neck. It felt like the world was spinning around him, relentlessly throwing him every which way without end.
Nothing made sense. His own thoughts were anything but coherent. Endless strings of grief-riddled words sent a cacophony of anguish through his head. The only things that could be filtered out from all the noise were just the same two words.
She's gone.
It all happened without warning. He saw that ring on Soul's finger and everything started to crumble. Every time he tried to deny the thing he dreaded to know, it only became more prominent and harder to avoid. Soul's silence told him enough. Any semblance of denial was stripped away.
It had been two years since he had last seen Julia in person. Even then, it was only from a distance. She was doing well for herself. She had a good home in Blackthorn City and was a teacher at the local pokemon trainer school, she seemed happy.
She's gone.
It had been ten years since she left him. And he couldn't let himself go back to her without setting things right. He needed to take down Matthew; he had to cut that chapter out of his life fully, or it would forever haunt him. After that was done, he could return to her, free of any burdens. Whatever happened from there was for Julia to decide. And whatever would happen, he would be okay with it.
But everything had fallen apart now. Julia wouldn't be waiting for him when he knocked at her door. Everything he had been trying to reach for the past ten years was thrown to the wayside when he first saw that ring.
She's gone.
Soul had her killed. And she smiled at him. But he didn't feel anger or hatred towards her. Something attempted to materialize, but never followed through. All he was left with was grief and misery.
Colvin grabbed at his hair and clenched his teeth so hard that they ached. He barely felt any of it. It was all lost in his thoughts.
She's gone.
"Colvin."
Like a light, all the thoughts turned off and he was left with silence. He tilted his head up from his position and saw Neo standing in the middle of the room. He breathed, slowly and silently, and eventually the world stopped spinning.
Neo walked over and sat at the foot of the bed, the same place Soul had sat. "I would like to apologize," he said. "I promised to leave until you asked for me again, and I just took over your body without warning. For that, I'm sorry."
Colvin just stared at Neo and didn't say anything. He didn't know if he could say anything.
Neo bowed his head. "There was this… feeling. I can't explain it. When Soul told us Julia was gone, I had to restrain myself from taking over. It was like a fire was set off inside me." He shook his head. "When she kissed us, I couldn't take it anymore. It was only for a moment, and I couldn't do anything but…"
Colvin looked at Neo's expression. While it had been some time since he had last seen it, there was something very different about it now. His expression was… broken? Colvin felt like he was looking into a mirror.
Neo looked up. "It doesn't matter. There's no excuse for what I did. Again, I'm sorry. I'll leave now."
"Wait," Colvin said quickly. "Just stay."
There was a bit of surprise in Neo's eyes. "Are you sure? I don't have a problem with–"
"I said fucking stay."
"Okay."
They remained like that for a few moments, just watching each other. Neo was the first to move, sliding back from his position until he was against the same wall Colvin was, only a couple feet away. Colvin felt himself start to talk without thinking.
"I don't know what to do," he said. "I… Fuck… I knew what I was going to do. I knew what I was going to do because I knew what I was doing it for. Who I was doing it for." He rubbed the side of his finger against his ring.
"I know," Neo said. "It… it feels like your soul's been torn out… right?"
Colvin peered at Neo. "How do you know?"
"I'm not sure… There's a lot of things happening to me that I don't… I can't understand. Every action I try to take I just question why I'm doing it. Every moment I try to think about anything and I can't. I feel… empty."
"Why the fuck would you feel that way?" Colvin said, suppressing a sniffle.
"I wish I knew," Neo said, sighing. "Even when you wanted me to stay away, I still felt that there was a purpose for me here. It wasn't something that I fully understood but… I knew it was real." His eyes grew dark. "Now that purpose is gone."
Colvin felt a small spike of fear. "Neo… are you going to stay with me?"
"I'm a part of you. I don't know if I could actually leave whether you want me to or not."
"So what part of me are you?"
They locked eyes for a moment. Neo was the first to break away and look down at the bed. "I don't know. I thought I knew, at least for some time, but if that part did exist it's not there. I don't think I have anything anymore."
Colvin scoffed and sniffled at the statement. "I'm the one who doesn't have anything anymore. What do I have now? Dark type powers, white hair, and…" A sudden rage filled him and he stood up from the bed, grabbing the lightbulb that laid by his pillow. "A fucking light allergy?!"
He threw the lightbulb across the room and it shattered, scattering tiny glass shards across the floor.
She's gone.
Julia was gone. Soul had her killed. All that time spent trying to take revenge on Matthew, all for nothing.
Matthew.
He thought back to that day when he had Matthew down on the ground. He was surrounded, paralyzed from electric attacks. There was no escape. Colvin was going to get what he wanted. If I had taken out Matthew there, Julia would still be alive, he thought.
Colvin felt his balance waver and he sat down on the floor. He wasn't sure what to feel. Everything felt like it was coming onto him at once. The world was starting to spin again, his thoughts growing louder and louder.
"You… want vengeance against Matthew?"
He turned his head around and focused on Neo who was still on the bed. The noise broke and all he was left with was animosity. "It's all I have."
Neo looked at him. "Then I will help you."
Colvin gave himself time to breathe before responding. "You… Why the hell would you?
"I want to feel purpose again. If… If this is what it must be, then I will help."
Colvin just stared back at him and Neo looked away. It was odd seeing Neo like this. He had the expression of a child who was lost in a city, walking down endless streets and alleyways, hoping to find some semblance of something familiar, but only getting more lost. Neo looked like he had just accepted he wasn't ever going to be found.
She's gone.
He looked down at his hands. He swore he could still feel Soul's hand lightly holding his own. Again, there was that feeling of something trying to be there, but it never came to be.
"You're trying to feel anger."
Colvin looked up. "What?"
Neo nodded. "I know because I felt it too. Soul kissed you and everything else was thrown out. You were trying so desperately to be angry, to hate her, but it wouldn't happen."
"I… That doesn't make sense." Colvin shook his head, "I'm… not angry at her. She…" That something returned, distracting him from finishing his words. "What's wrong with me?"
"I told you before, but you didn't want to listen."
He thought back to when he raged at Neo. What was the word he used? Censor. A censor. "So… someone is controlling my thoughts…?"
"Yes, and that someone is Team Saber."
His mind pondered the thought for barely a millisecond before it was discarded. "No… No. They wouldn't do that."
Neo stood up. "Colvin, they killed Julia. And you didn't do anything."
Another dose of something came upon him. He tried to define it but couldn't. It was like a fog so dense that any effort of seeing what was within was fruitless.
"You felt it again."
"What did I feel? What the hell is this?"
"Anger, Colvin. It's anger. You are angry at Team Saber." Neo's tone was impatient, and he stopped himself before going further. He closed his eyes. "You don't believe me."
"I don't understand you," Colvin said. "Team Saber isn't… bad…" As he spoke the last two words, something doubled.
"Let me put it like this." Neo walked over and sat down a few feet away from Colvin. "We have an enemy. This enemy is controlling your thoughts and actions. I don't know how, but they are."
Colvin stared blankly at him.
Neo continued, "This enemy is someone you've been working with for many years." His voice was laced with hostility and accusation.
Colvin blinked. "Neo, you don't mean–"
"No," Neo said quickly. "It is not Team Saber. And it is not Soul. It is just our enemy."
"Well then who the fuck is it?"
"You're not able to know. They're preventing you from knowing who they are."
An enemy. It didn't make much sense to Colvin, but not much did at that moment. There was still a lot of something trapped in his head, always evading definition. He shook his head. If it this was any path to understanding what was going on, he would take it. "Then how are we supposed to beat this… 'enemy?'"
"I don't know," Neo said, slightly bleak. "But if there is a way to know, a way to break free from this control then, well…" He looked at Colvin with his indigo eyes. "The opportunity will show itself."
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Peace!
-Minusbomb
