2brown-eyes is the best!
THEN
JUNE 1992
To Be With You—Mr. Big
Much like the first, I shove the letter into my drawer. This time, I'm even more leery than before. I don't know if my heart can take another play-by-play of his extracurricular activities.
Even if he enjoyed it.
That'd probably be worse.
Summer is rapidly approaching, and this week, finals are all the rage. I can't lose focus, so I put my head down and spend all my free time studying with Alice.
"When do you start at Newton's?" She's tapping her pencil on her chin, deep in thought about whatever book she has open in front of her.
"Next Monday," I reply, working on a practice Algebra II question. "The good thing is that I'll mostly work weekdays."
"Cool." She scribbles down some notes. "Jasper's working weekdays too. That'll give us the weekends to have fun."
The song on the stereo changes, and the opening line from To Be With You rings through the speakers. Alice and I both look up, smiling. We jump from the bed, fist mics at the ready.
Stand up little girl
Broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to show you
We dance and sing at the top of our lungs, and it's the exact cleansing I need to shake off the funk from stuff my own actions caused. Later, when she's gone and the books are put away, I pull out the letter.
Bella,
Fuck.
I'm sorry.
That last letter was harsh, and I hate it. I also hate that I feel like I was pushed into being an asshole. I know that wasn't your intent, but shit happens.
If it helps, I didn't sleep with another random girl.
Not that night, and not since.
I might one day, but she won't be random. It'll be someone who gets me enough that I choose to sleep with her. I've accepted that's where we are in life.
Do I like it? Hell no.
I like you.
I LOVE YOU.
Damn him.
Tears roll down my cheeks.
I wipe them away before continuing.
And sometimes I do still hate you.
But ignore that because my love for you eclipses that tiny part of me and hides it away in the deep, dark shadows.
The main reason for this letter, yes, I know I took a winding path to my point, is to let you know that I'm staying in Hanover this summer. I'll probably take a class or two to pass the time, but mostly, I need time.
I don't want this to be like last time when I intentionally tried to hurt you. This isn't that. I'm not doing it to hurt you. It's to protect me. If I come home, I'll see you.
And I probably couldn't stay away.
Scratch that.
I know I couldn't.
So, this is me, taking the step I need to do what you've asked since my first day here.
I miss you like crazy.
But hopefully that'll fade too.
Edward
Ugh.
I think sweet Edward hurts me more than rude Edward, but I deserve it. All of it. So, this time, I pull out my own paper and let him know that I'm here and his words aren't in vain.
Edward,
I think staying in Hanover is an excellent idea. We've dragged out this breakup for far too long and it's caused a lot more hurt than was necessary.
I don't hate you. Not a single molecule inside me does, but that's okay. I get why you would. I pushed for something you didn't want, and I folded every single time you pushed back.
Talk about mixed signals.
I won't send another by declaring my love, but I don't think I have to—you already know.
You're free, and I want you to discover all that entails. Even if it is frat parties and Sigma Kappa sweethearts. I want you to live, laugh, and make new friends. Party, kill it in class, and blow everyone away with your mad karaoke skills.
I want you to be Edward.
Because he's perfect.
Big Hug,
Bella
P.S. Happy birthday.
I wrote 2 yesterday, which puts me around the halfway point for WDBHG… if I do 2 more today, I'll see you tmr. If not, I'll see you Thursday.
Chapter 30 is it for this one.
See ya soon :)
