The air has been suffocating in the house. Kyler seems to be the only one that notices it; that gravity is heavier when two of his Sides are in the same room together. He is able to breathe fine at the preschool. But this house, his house, their house! It was under some kind of vacuume that sucked all the oxygen out.
Sometimes Kyler could ignore it. But then he'd catch the tail end of a glare. Or hear a snippy voice through the walls. A door slam. Kyler hated those the most. Those times were impossible to ignore, and then his throat would tighten. His legs would feel like he's being held down by weights. And the walls would slowly move forward. Just an inch. So only Kyler would notice it.
Frick! He was feeling a little silly in the head lately! He needed some sleep. If he could get through a night without haunting dreams that escape his memory in the morning.
Mornings were awful for Kyler. He always felt icky and drained from his nightmares, with the faint taste of ash and tea lingering in his mouth. He tried to build himself up while he brushed his teeth, to rid his mouth of the foul taste. But sometimes - most of the time - he caught a glance of the marred skin on his back. It was hard to continue his morning routine with any pepper in his stepper after that.
Kyler was never the first one downstairs. Often not even the second. Logic had his own special spot he liked to sit in the mornings. At the end of the table where the early morning sun shines perfectly to illuminate his book or newspaper. Kyler finds his subscription to the local newspaper endearing and not at all dorky.
When it was a good day, Kyler would come into the kitchen to see Logic, perfectly golden from the sunshine, peacefully enjoying whatever he was reading. The sight, those very brief moments before Logic noticed him and looked up, were very special to Kyler. They made his tummy dance and his toes tingle. Logic was most handsome when he was in his element - reading or learning or explaining. But, Kyler discovered, that did not include schoolwork. When it came to Logic's near-endless homework, the same ease of mind didn't apply. And since he was always doing schoolwork, it was rare for Kyler to get to see him study for the sake of enjoyment.
Today was not a good day. Not only was Logic not peacefully sitting in his seat, he wasn't even in the kitchen. Roman stood alone, pacing back and forth. Kyler knew what he saw before him. An emotional war zone. He could almost sense the remains of a previous battle still lingering in the air like rancid smoke.
He stepped into the kitchen. Roman looked at him too quickly, then relaxed. He nodded in silent greeting to Kyler. Ky couldn't help but feel even that was too hostile of a welcoming.
"Did you sleep alright?" Kyler asked.
"Eh." Roman said, which wasn't really an answer.
Kyler frowned. "You're upset."
"No I'm not." Roman sounded upset.
Kyler frowned harder. "You're lying!"
Roman looked at him, his sneer dropping when he saw Kyler's expression. "Fuck, sorry Ky. I'm not mad at you, so it doesn't matter."
"Yes it does." Kyler muttered to himself. He shoved his hands in his pockets, trying to find something else to look at. His eyes land back on Roman. His disheveled hair and exhausted eyes. Suddenly, Empathy let out a short gasp. His arms squeezed around him tighter.
"What?" Roman followed his sight to a large bruise just below his elbow. "Oh."
Kyler had to breathe through his nose to focus on his words. His tummy tumbled unpleasantly. Why did just seeing discolored skin make him feel this way?
"Those probably happened at vidcon. There were lots of people; I ran into a door frame. I bruise easily." Roman shrugged, like it was easy to carry so much pain. "I always have."
"Are you okay?" It was spoken so fast it could have been one word. Kyler felt the phrase bouncing around in his chest, filling up his lungs until they burst out of him.
Roman smiled and made a funny almost-laugh. He waved him off and said, "Yeah, look, it only hurts if I poke it like th-"
Kyler's arm - no, his other arm - snapped out from under his jacket to stop Roman's hand before he demonstrated. He said in a strained voice, "Let's not do that, kiddo."
Roman glanced down at his arm, and then again. He nodded, and Kyler let go. He stepped away and gathered himself.
"Sorry." They said at the same time.
Kyler turned around, "No no no no! I'm sorry!"
"Okay." Roman said, looking away.
Kyler felt the tension in the air. He imagined the different air pressure causing a tiny storm around Roman. It was clear it wasn't just his physical bruises that hurt him. Kyler's chest ached, like how people's joints warned of oncoming storms. He shifted uneasily.
"Um." Kyler rubbed his arms, hidden from the world. "How was Comic Con?"
"It was Vid-Con. It's for, like, super famous people that can magically find their whole pod within months." Roman grumbled.
Kyler stepped closer. His fingers felt cold against his own skin. "Are you talking about Vogue?"
"Yeah, they found all their Sides." Roman threw a hand up and turned away. Kyler almost didn't catch the last bit, "And they already love each other."
"You're not happy for your friend?" Kyler asked.
Roman looked fully at him. "Of course I am! I just wish-"
At the sound of footsteps thundering down the stairs, Roman's jaw snapped shut. He glared at the kitchen doorway before the source of the noise even came into sight. The air grew thicker.
Janus and Logic barreled into the kitchen as two furious storms of their own. Logic followed close behind a fuming Jan. Glasses slightly askew, he gestured with his phone, "I assure you it's for your own safety!"
"So you can stalk me?" Janus spat back, his voice sounding a little … extra spitty? Kyler frowned, wondering if Janus had caught a cold from staying out late.
"You can have my location as well, so it would be a mutual stalking?" Logic attempted. For a moment it seemed like Janus considered it.
Then he shook his head and said, "Please, I always know where you are. Here, or the library."
"Janus, please-"
Janus shot Logic a look that Kyler couldn't see, but it made the subject be dropped. Kyler grit his teeth. See. People do this a lot. Especially around Empathys. They think they're being polite by avoiding arguments around people like Kyler. Like it helps. And Kyler totally won't notice the swirling vortex around the two of them. Sucking all of the air in with a slow, circular pull until there's no more oxygen left to breathe.
Oh my god, Kyler, breathe! He looked away from the couple and took a deep breath. He felt dizzy, but stable.
"Are you okay?" Kyler heard. But he really couldn't tell which of the three concerned faces said it.
Kyler nodded shakily. But that wasn't true so he shook his head and sank down to the ground. The cabinets made cheap-cabinet shifting noises as Ky settled against them.
"Kyler!" Roman was by his side first, on his right. Janus skidded on his knees to stop in front of him. Logic knelt on his left, clearly unsure what to do with his hands.
Roman was clasping his hand, and it felt nice, and warm. Kyler wanted to sink into it; to avoid breathing in any more of the air that was only toxic to him.
"What happened?" Janus' voice was full of concern that only added to the swirling mix in Kyler's chest. He felt concerned that Janus was concerned about him. His head was starting to hurt.
"I- um. Um." Kyler's mouth felt funny. His tongue heavy and useless. He looked down at Janus' lips. What was it?
"Kyler?" He spoke again and Ky saw the flash of silver. Oh!
"Frick, your piercing makes my tongue hurt," Empathy pulled his gaze away, just barely catching Janus' surprised expression. He looked to Logic next. Logic was, as far as Kyler was concerned, the safest option.
Logic's worry was evident in his eyes, but his expression remained calm. Kyler could handle that.
"Are you guys mad at me?" Kyler asked.
Logic looked surprised, confused. He shook his head immediately. Kyler heard Roman and Janus' reassurances a second later.
Logic said, "Kyler, you've done nothing wrong since you got here."
Kyler nodded slowly, then asked, "Are you mad at each other?"
Silence.
Kyler glanced between the three of them, who suddenly couldn't look at him or each other. Kyler ran a hand through his hair. "You are."
Janus tried to lie. "No, we just-"
"You are!" Kyler repeated louder. He pointed an accusing finger at Janus, who flinched. "You're mad at you!" He pointed to Roman. "And you're mad at you!" From Roman back to Janus. "And you're mad at him." Logic and Janus. "You're all mad and it's- it's-"
"It's affecting you. Fuck." Logic covered his mouth and looked away. "Kyler."
He couldn't stop the tears at that point. His lip wobbled with his breath. He hunched in on himself, feeling smaller than any Fusion ought to be. Roman was pulling him in, and Kyler gladly curled against his chest. He hid his face in his shirt, hoping the emotions would fade soon. That was Kyler's only hope in this world - that emotions were temporary.
When Kyler opened his eyes next, he saw Janus' expression. He said, "What do you need?"
Kyler wanted to reach out. He wanted to pull Janus into the small pile of Kyler-and-Roman. He wanted to hide in the comfort of his Sides, and disappear under their warmth. But his arm wouldn't move. Their skin never brushed.
Instead, Kyler told Jan, "Apologize."
"I'm sorry." Janus said at once.
"No." Kyler shook his head against Roman's chest. "Not to me. You all apologize to each other."
The three above him glanced around. Kyler felt awkwardness settle in his bones. Kyler took a deep, shuddering breath, then sat up.
He wiped his face and said, "You're upset. And you're not. Talking about it!"
Janus said, "We talked."
Roman snapped. "No, we didn't."
"What more is there to say?" Logic asked, striking a small flame inside Kyler's chest.
"We didn't talk, you just yelled at me!" Roman said. Kyler looked at him, but Roman wouldn't glance up. Perhaps it was for the best. Kyler didn't know if he could handle much more emotion, and Roman was a deep well of it.
Roman bitterly added, "And dumped me."
"Roman, I want to be with you in every sense of the word." Logic said with an intensity that made Kyler's face flush. The tingling in his fingers didn't make his skin itch. Huh.
Roman made a noise that Kyler had to agree with. Logic carried on, before he could be interrupted, "But, I need to know if your affection for me - for us -" He touched Janus' knee, who looked like he'd rather not be involved, "ends when we stop being of use to you."
"What?" Roman. Confused. Broken.
"For attention, whether that be physical, social, or otherwise. Roman, you require a lot of attention." Logic. Clear. Blinded.
And then there's Janus.
Janus watched Kyler. Kyler stared back at Janus, and he didn't know what he felt at all.
"When I could no longer provide it due to studies, you sought out Janus." Logic said.
"That's not what happened." Roman's voice was tight. In the kind of way where everyone else could tell too.
"And when you no longer needed him -"
"STOP." Janus' voice made something deep in Kyler's chest ache. Kyler reached out for Janus' hand, but was brushed away. Janus ran the hand that defended himself through his hair. Then against his shirt, before burrowing away against his side. Kyler wondered, to what degree did his touch burn? Was it the piercing hot that ripped across both their skins? Or was it a warmth that only Sides could know?
He was getting a headache. He forced his gaze away from Janus, even as he continued to speak.
"I don't care anymore." He said, "I don't care if Roman was selfish or if I misinterpreted everything or-"
Roman interrupted, "I didn't know you were serious serious!"
Janus paused before he swatted at Roman as he said, "Serious serious! Are you serious serious?!"
And Roman. Roman laughed. Kyler looked to Logic. It was clear by his pinched brow and his tapping of his pocket pencil to his pocket notepad - he was also lost.
"Roman." Janus groaned, leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Roman's shoulder. Roman sat stiff, looking down at Janus as best he could. Janus muttered, "Fuck."
"I want to be with you two, too." Roman said. But he added just a breath later, "I just don't think I know how to … be less needy? I-"
Distressed. Kyler swallowed down the bubble in his own tight throat and said, "Roman should be allowed the amount of attention he requires, however that might be, with the understanding of your guys busy schedules." He looked at all three of them and said with a sweeping gesture, "Right?"
"But." Janus bit his lip.
"What?" Roman asked.
They silently watched Janus as his cheeks turned pinker. He shook his head and looked down.
Kyler felt a heated flush of shame under his collar. He frowned.
In just barely a whisper, Janus confessed, "It's too honest."
Puzzled, Logic gestured for Janus to whisper it in his ear. Janus refused, his jaw clamping shut. Roman sucked in a sudden breath and he said, "Oh, Jan. Is it about-?"
Tight throat. Heated cheeks. Thick breath. Kyler let out a little gasp as he realized, Janus was about to -
Janus furiously scrubbed his eyes and looked away from Roman, towards Logic. Kyler watched his own hands for a moment, trying to wash away all the lingering feelings.
"Janus, I love you, too." Roman said.
"Shut up." Janus scoffed. "Just shut up."
Roman shook his head and scooted as close to Janus as he could in the cramped spot between the cabinets and table.
"Remy was important to me. That's all." Roman said. He took a deep breath, then added, "I thought we were going to grow old together."
"But we literally will grow old together!" Janus shouted, twisting around to face Roman again. "You and me and him, and them." Janus' gaze lingered on Kyler. "That's what we're supposed to do."
"Is it so bad that I want time?" Roman asked. "Time to … get over Remy?"
Logic interrupted then, "You want time and attention? Because you will still require some level of affection, from previous observations."
Roman sounded sheepish. "Yes?"
"I-" Logic frowned. "I don't know how to do that."
"I can figure it out." Janus said, voice sounding hollow. "Are we done here?" He turned pleading eyes to Kyler. "Do you feel better?"
Silently, feeling both empty and full of emotions at the same time. Buzzing and still. He nodded.
Janus sprang up and away without another word. He disappeared out of the kitchen, taking most of the toxic air with him. Roman sat, covering his face in his hands. Logic debated if he should say anything before settling on leaving with a small nod to Kyler.
Kyler sat with Roman until he too left. And then, in the dark, with the toxic air lingering like a low fog, Kyler sat alone.
Until Sonic the Hedgehog the Cat found him. And then, they sat alone together as the kitchen tile grew cold.
Roman enjoys spending money more so than the act of acquiring things, it seems. He said he was going for ice cream and Kyler asked if he could tag along. After they got their sweet treats, Roman took them to several different stores; some thrifting, most expensive. Kyler listens intently as Roman talks about his favorite movies and least favorite classes. Roman's heart is full of passion for everything he does, it flows out in his words and smiles. Kyler enjoys being around him when he's like this. His good mood is infectious, and Ky is more than willing to breathe it in.
The air in the house has felt better since Kyler made them talk. But only slightly. The others still tiptoe around each other, sneaking glances and avoiding topics. But it's manageable. Kyler doesn't feel like he's drowning on land anymore.
He doesn't want to intrude on their relationship. But it's hard not to when they live with you and will also one day become you. Kyler tried not to think about Establishment. It was too confusing.
"You don't have to spend time with me." Roman said suddenly. He didn't even look away from the rack of shirts he was browsing. They were standing outside some tourist shop that had clearance items on the sidewalk to try to draw people in. It worked for Roman, or so Kyler thought. But the way he flicked through the shirts practically screamed uninterested.
"W-what?" Kyler felt his tummy tumble with the sudden change of emotion.
Roman glanced at him. "I know you're just doing it because you saw our fight."
"Roman, that wasn't supposed to be a fight." Kyler's shoulders slumped. He knew what fights sounded like. Sometimes people think any important conversation is a fight. Sometimes people can't have important conversations without fighting. But last night was supposed to be different.
"I just." Roman exhaled out his nose. "I'm tired of being the burden."
"What? Roman you are not a burden!" Kyler said. "And wanting to be around people isn't a bad thing! I want to be around you!"
Roman smiled, small and private. He continued browsing much calmer. He said, "I've always been a Needy Side."
"I don't think so." Kyler wrapped his arm around Roman's shoulders. Roman looked up at him, fully smiling now.
He said, "Sorry we dragged you into our throuple spat." He glanced down and muttered, "Er… breakup."
"It'll be alright." Kyler said, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "They care about you. They just need time. Just like you."
Roman chewed his lip. He said, "I guess…"
A scream made them both jump. Kyler turned around to see, further down the sidewalk, a man and older woman struggling. Kyler drops his arm off Roman's shoulder.
Kyler feels all his muscles tense as he sees the attack happen. The woman gets shoved and her purse is snatched out of her hands. She falls to the ground. The thief runs.
Panic, panic and fear and pain. He feels his heart start sprinting along with the villian. His hands begin shaking immediately and he feels like he's going to hurl. The more he focuses on the scene before him, the more his hands hurt, his bum feels bruised. The more scared he becomes.
But Roman doesn't get scared. Roman saw the attack at the same time as him, and he ran forward. He caught up to the thief in a matter of strides, then lept on him like a football player. They both crashed to the ground relatively unharmed. Roman wiggled and struggled with the stranger until he held the purse up with a victorious cheek. Kyler heard the lady's thankful voice and felt himself relax a little.
Roman doesn't raise his fist in attack. He doesn't even really scream. He must say something to the thief, because they scrambled away as soon as Roman got off of them. Kyler stares, wondering how he could be so brave and selfless without hesitation.
And then to simply walk back to the lady and hand her the purse back, smiling all the while. Effortlessly good.
Kyler stood there, watching, as Roman shook the old lady's hand. Something cold settled deep in Kyler's chest. When it really mattered, he couldn't move. He couldn't help the lady get up, or stop the bad guy, or even run away. His emotions froze him in place, useless and in way, way over his head.
