Chapter 12 - Control

Two days after the failed company day trip, Gavin still hadn't left Michaels. The moment he got home he had shut himself in the bedroom again. Michael had taken the initiative and messaged Burnie that neither of them would be returning to work for a while, assuming that the lad had regressed in progress and would be holed up in there for at least a few days, with Michael trying to coax him out for meals.
He had been pleasantly surprised however, when after only four hours shut away Gavin had began venturing out and carrying on as normal. Although he stubbornly refused to go outside or talk about anything to do with the car journey, sticking to light and casual topics. Until the morning of the third day when he plopped himself down beside him on the sofa, sighing frustratedly and rubbing his face.
They sat there in silence for a few minutes.
Michael cleared his throat. "So, um. What do you want for breakfast Gav?" He asked, testing the waters by trying to strike up an easy conversation.
Gavin groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose, and Michaels stomach leapt into his mouth. Surely he hadn't said the wrong thing already? He'll literally kick himself if Gavin retreats to the bedroom and barricades the door again.
"Its just... there's something from that night that's bugging me, but I don't know how to...I don't want... UGH" Gavin cut himself off, lightly tugged on his own hair. "forget it. How about eggs on toast for breakfast?"
Michael furrowed his brow slightly but decided not to press him into talking about what was bothering him. He knew Gav would come to him in his own time, once he was able to order and vocalise his thoughts.
"Sure. Eggs sound awesome."

At Gavin's insistence, they had driven to work. Burnie had let them know that Geoff had agreed to work from home pending the outcome of the investigation so he would no longer be appearing in videos, but would instead be working remotely behind the scenes, so there was no danger of he and Gavin crossing paths at all. In truth, everyone was glad to see him. Although Lindsay, Caleb and Kerry had stepped in to fill the vacant roles, the office was incredibly subdued with both him and Geoff gone, and the quality of videos had significantly decreased. With Gavin back, their laughter and jokes were less forced -although the cloud of Geoff's absence still loomed ominously over them all.
"So" said Gavin tentatively after they wrapped up recording for lunch "be honest guys. What have the comments on videos been like recently? I've not been able to bring myself to look, the YouTube comments are pretty brutal at the best of times..."
Everyone averted their gaze. Jack and Lindsay glared at Michael.
"You didn't tell him? Jesus Michael he's probably been stressing about this for a week now!" Lindsay scolded. Michael looked awkwardly ashamed.
"Tell me what?" Gavin looked around, alarmed "How bad is it?"
"No, no. No ones said anything Gav. Burnie made the decision since Geoff was arrested that all comments on all videos -past and current- be turned off for now. Obviously people are gonna be going wild about this on the internet, but its not gonna be on our content." Lindsay explained
"Or at us." Jack added "Burnie also advised that we all deactivate Twitter for a while. Obviously he cant MAKE us, but we all agreed, company wide. None of us want to see that shit."
"Or be put in a position where we could be seen to be defending Geoff" Ray said darkly.
Gavin nodded, stunned. He wasn't sure if he was relieved or not. He was grateful that his friends were standing by him, but the fact that as a company they had to change how they put out their content sent uncomfortable waves of guilt to course through his veins.
"Thanks guys." He said eventually. "I deleted Twitter from my phone a while ago. I needed to stop torturing myself, i was just sitting in bed reading it all for hours on end at one point."
The room at large nodded and hummed sympathetically.
Michael turned to him "You ok if we go out for lunch today? Its a nice day, I thought we could maybe pick something up from the deli and eat it in park?"
Gavin hesitated. Being out sounded good...but he still was concerned about running into fans who would want to talk about what happened, and he couldn't run that risk.

They compromised. Michael had picked up some sandwiches from the deli, and they were contentedly munching on them in his car, which he had parked in a quiet spot along the river.
Michael was trying to ignore the fact that Gavin had been staring at him for the last five minutes. He knew that he wanted to talk to him about what he had been worrying about that morning, but still couldn't find the words. As sympathetic as he was to his situation, he was getting increasingly irritated at being stared at in silence.
Just as he was about to snap at him to take a fuckin picture as it'd last longer, Gavin looked into his own lap, frowning.
"Michael..." he started tentatively
"...Gavin..." Michael replied when the lad didn't continue.
"Um. So you remember the other day, when that song came on in the car and I freaked out?"
Michael nodded
"Well... I had a flashback. Quite a vivid and specific one. The guy -Geoff I guess- was singing that song. Towards the end of it all, I think. I was very tired. But..." He rubbed his temples, still frowning "It sounded...nice? Not that I was enjoying it or anything. But like-" He paused again, trying to collect his thoughts "-it sounded good? In tune and stuff. But can you ever remember Geoff even hitting a single note anytime he's ever sung anything?"
Michaels eyes widened. Gavin was staring at him again, genuinely waiting for an answer. He thought back, hard. "Now that you mention it...no I haven't. But-" He added hurriedly, seeing Gavin's face fall into disappear "- maybe it was a fluke? I mean, its possible right? Or like you said, you were exhausted and traumatised. And drugged. Maybe your brain like. I dunno. Autotuned it for you?" He finished lamely.
Gavin looked distraught. "Yeah. Yeah maybe. That's gotta be a thing brains do, right? People saw Geoff. I remember his tattoos. Or at least-" He frowned again "I saw tattoos... A lot of things are still fuzzy. But they were definitely sleeves like Geoff has. And his facial hair. Yeah." He ended the sentence a lot more firmly than it had started "Yeah. Its gotta just be that my brain fixed it. Thanks Michael."
Michael nodded mutely. Yeah He thought Yeah that's definitely something brains do...right?

They drove back in silence. Michael had thrown away half of his sandwich. He hadn't been particularly hungry after the conversation they had had. Gavin was quiet too when the rest of the Achievement Hunters greeted them when they returned to the office. Neither of them had been fully convinced by Michaels explanation, but the alternative was far too confusing to accept.
The rest of the team easily picked up on the atmosphere they had brought back, but when Kerry had tried to pull Michael aside to question him, Michael had shook his head and aggressively told him to leave it alone. Luckily they had no more videos to film that day anyway, so they all quietly got on with their editing and planning, the only sounds in the office was the tapping of keyboards and clicking of mouses, with the occasional whispered expletives when someone struggled with syncing audio.
Gavin was finding it difficult to keep his breathing under control. He knew the subdued atmosphere in the room was because of him, and he couldn't stop his mind running circles around his ability to concentrate on his work. Eventually he gave up entirely, and stood up, making a few people around him jump at the sudden clatter of his headphones falling onto the desk.
"Sorry, bathroom" He explained, hurrying out of the room. He didn't actually need the toilet, so he jogged to the kitchen -finding it thankfully empty- and got himself a glass of ice water, trying unsuccessfully to even out his breathing.
He was on the verge of a large panic attack, and he knew exactly what he needed to do to calm himself down without bothering anyone else. He hurried towards the closest bathroom, heart beating harder with anticipation, and locked himself in the farthest cubicle from the door after checking that none of the others were occupied. Once inside, he pulled down his jeans and sat down on the lid of the toilet, hands shaking as he popped the case off of his phone, revealing the single razor blade he had been keeping hidden in there. He tipped it out onto his eager hand, and a strange calm begin to wash over him as he made the first slice. Both of his thighs were now littered with cuts; some red and fresh, others faded into thin white lines. All the cuts were of the same length and perfectly parallel to each other; the neatness of his art gave him immense satisfaction. He had lost control of the narrative of his life, but this had an order to it that no one could take from him.
He was five lines in when he heard the main door open.
"Is he actually guilty then? I mean, everyone is talking like he is, but you know him best. Has he talked to you about it?" Kerry's voice floated over the cubicle door
"I've been advised not to speak to him" Jack replied, his voice heavy "But I was talking to Joel the other day, and he was there when Gav was found. He said that the only thing Gavin said was Geoff's name, and that he sounded completely terrified. At the time they all assumed that it was because he was hurt and wanted Geoff to help him, but that in retrospect he thinks that Gav was trying to tell them who had done it."
The conversation paused as they went into their separate cubicles, neither of them noticing that the one at the back was also occupied.
Eventually Gavin heard both toilets flush, and his co-workers washing their hands.
"What do you think though?" Kerry started again
Jack sighed deeply. "Honestly I don't know what to think. Geoff is the only one who truly knows if he's guilty or not. I don't even think Gavin is that sure. Either way, things between them can never be the same, which means that things for us all can never go back to how they-" the conversation followed the two men out of the room.
Gavin was shaking, gripping his blade tightly, not noticing the blood running down his hand. Biting back an agonised scream, he brought the blade down, haphazardly slicing across his thigh; cutting through the neat little rows and ripping open half healed lines. His frantic actions were suddenly interrupted as a hand grabbed his wrist mid cut. He looked up, recognising that Lindsay was talking to him, but unable to focus on her words through the rage in his eyes and the bellowing in his ears. He didn't resist as she pulled him onto the floor, cradling him in her lap as she gently rocked him from side to side, stroking his hair in a soothing manner. As he began to breath more steadily and the red fog clouding his thoughts and vision ebbed away, Gavin suddenly realised the screaming in his head was actually coming from his own mouth. It took a few more seconds before he was able to regain control of his own voice, and managed to stop screaming, instead collapsing into dry sobs in Lindsay's arms.
He didn't know how much time had passed , but he eventually stilled, exhausted and numb. Lindsay was still running her fingers through his unruly mop of hair, rocking him softly and whispering comfort to him. His bum was cold and prickling with pins and needles, he suddenly realised he was sat on the floor in his boxers, with his jeans halfway down his legs. Embarrassed, he shuffled to pull them up.
"Don't you dare."
Gavin stopped and looked up at her. She smiled at him sympathetically.
"They need to be cleaned and bandaged up before you get dressed. You've done a bit of a number on yourself and I don't want you going septic on me. Plus if the blood dries on your jeans you'll end up ripping all the cuts open when you take them off later. Also blood stains are a NIGHTMARE, trust me I know." She grinned cheekily, then frowned "I think your boxers may be a lost cause though."
Gavin allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and maneuvered over to the sinks. He was still in a daze, and just stood mutely and let Lindsay get to work cleaning his leg and hand. He was distantly aware of her saying she needed to go get something and she'd be right back, but by the time he processed her words, she had returned and was knelt in front of him again. He gasped when she applied antiseptic to his thigh, making sure to get every wound she could find, before bandaging the whole area and securing it with a lot of tape.
"Gav? Earth to Gavin?" she shook him gently
"What?" He said confused, suddenly coming back into himself.
"I got you some clean boxers. I don't know why we keep packs of new underwear in the first aid box but I'm not going to question it. You alright going into a cubicle and changing by yourself?"
He blushed furiously at the idea of Lindsay helping him change his pants.
"I can do it."
"Awesome. I just need to clean the floor, let me know when you're done? And if you need help I'll be right here."
He nodded glumly and did what he was told.

Lindsay had made quick work of cleaning up the bathroom. By the time Gavin was done changing you'd never have known that there had ever been a pool of blood coating the floor.
He still felt pretty empty, but Lindsay wasn't just going to let him slink away. She'd got him a coke to bring his sugar levels up, and dragged him into an empty room.
She eyed him carefully.
"Id get those cuts checked out at hospital. Some of them looked pretty deep."
Gavin shook his head.
She sighed "I can take you now if you want?"
He shook his head again.
She sighed again. "Fine. But you have to look after them. Don't make me have to check them every day, that'd be weird. Just...keep 'em clean. Please?"
He nodded.
"Some of them looked pretty old. How long have you been hurting yourself?"
He shrugged
"Ooooaky... Were you doing it before you were attacked?"
He shook his head
"Gavin, this is like having a conversation with Lassie."
"Woof"
She rolled her eyes at him, but smiled slightly. "Hey. You know you can talk to us; me and Michael. It might help you get some of this stuff out, rather than chopping your leg off?"
He stared at her blankly. Then he sighed. "Yeah, I know" He finally said, voice croaky and cracking "I just...everything is so damn hard lately. I don't know how to put a lot of it into words, y'know?"
She patted his arm sympathetically, and laced her fingers through his. "I know buddy. But the offer is there, alright?"
Gavin went to reply, but stopped suddenly. "Hang on. I locked the door, how the hell did you get in to stop me?"
Lindsay blinked, surprised at the question. "Gav, you were screaming so loudly I heard you down the corridor. I was looking for you cuz you hadn't come back to the office, and I heard you. I was shouting for you when I came in, but I guess you didn't hear me? I picked the lock on the door. They aren't exactly secure." She shrugged "When I saw what you were doing I tried to get you to calm down and stop, but you were screaming so loudly I couldn't get through to you, so I grabbed you...there was so much blood..." she shivered, and Gavin suddenly felt incredibly guilty that she had witnessed that, and very ashamed that she had felt like she had to clean him up.
"You should tell Michael." Lindsay said, rubbing his hand with her thumb.
He pulled away from her, alarmed "You cant! You cant tell him! That's not fair!"
She raised her hands in surrender "I wont, I wont tell him. I promise. I'm just saying I really think you should. He'd want to know, and he would help you. You know he would. He loves you."
Gavin sighed again, messing through his hair with his hand. "Yeah ok. I'll. I'll think about it."

Michael had taken Gavin home. Lindsay had gone back to the AH office and discreetly told him that Gavin had had a really bad panic attack and needed to leave straight away. She refused to go into further detail, but told him that Gavin would fill him in if he wanted to.
She sat back at her own desk in the warehouse. As filming was done for the day she didn't actually need to be in the AH office anymore, and honestly she was debating going home herself. She noticed a brown envelope propped up against her monitor, addressed to Rooster Teeth but with her name. Intrigued, she opened it, and tipped its contents onto her desk.
She instantly wished she hadn't.
She stared in horror at the pictures that had fallen out.
Herself, Michael and Gavin on what was unmistakably the night of the attack.
Michael helping her into a cab when she was too drunk to make it home alone.
Gavin sat at the bar by himself.
She tentatively moved the top pictures out of the way to reveal the ones underneath.
Gavin tied to a bed wearing only his boxers, looking absolutely terrified
Gavin stripped naked, face screwed up in pain with fresh bite marks littering his thighs
A close up of Gavin's face, covered in tears
Gavin face down on the bed, the photo obviously taken by the owner of the penis that could clearly be seen penetrating him.
Gavin laying naked and bloody on the doorstep.
She felt sick, but she couldn't stop staring at them. It was like her eyes and neck were being controlled by some outside force, keeping her trapped in horror, unable to look away.
After what seemed like forever, the spell was abruptly broken. She dropped to the floor and only just managed to aim the vomit into the waste paper basket under her desk.
Fuck.