Thorin: Any sign of the Arkenstone yet?
Balin: None, just like five minutes ago when you last asked.
Dwalin: And five minutes before that when you asked.
Dori: And five minutes before that too.
Nori: And in five minutes, when you ask again, the answer will still be the same.
Thorin: *ignoring them* Four minutes forty-four, four minutes forty-three…
Bilbo: Maybe I should tell him…
Fili: *suddenly behind him* Tell him what Bilbo?
Bilbo: JESUS FUCK! Where's you come from? *sees the thrush fly into the cave* Uh…tell him that thrush is back again.
Kili: That's not what you were planning to tell him, is it?
Bilbo: It is now *calls out to everyone* Hey guys, the thrush is back.
Gloin: Nobody cares Bilbo. Everyone knows thrushes can't communicate in any language known to humans.
Thrush: *crack crack / crack crack crack craaack / crack / craaack crack crack crack / crack / crack / craaack crack / craaack / crack craaack / crack craaack crack crack / craaack crack craaack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack crack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack craaack crack / crack crack crack / crack / craaack crack craaack crack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack crack crack / crack / craaack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / craaack / crack crack crack crack / crack crack / crack crack crack / crack craaack craaack / crack crack crack crack / craaack craaack craaack / crack craaack crack crack / crack / craaack / crack crack / craaack craaack / crack / crack craaack / crack crack crack / crack crack crack / crack crack crack crack / craaack craaack craaack / crack craaack crack crack / crack*
Oin: Yeah, only ravens are smart enough to tell anyone anything.
Thrush: *craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / craaack / crack crack crack crack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack crack craaack / crack craaack / crack crack craaack crack / crack crack craaack / craaack crack craaack crack / craaack crack craaack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack crack / crack craaack crack / crack craaack / crack crack crack craaack / crack / craaack crack / crack crack / crack crack crack / crack crack crack / craaack craaack / crack craaack / crack craaack crack / craaack / crack / crack craaack crack / craaack / crack crack crack crack / crack craaack / craaack crack / craaack craaack / crack*
Bofur: Yep, good old reliable ravens. Nothing beats them.
Thrush: *craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / craaack craaack crack / crack crack craaack / craaack crack craaack craaack / crack crack crack / crack crack craaack crack / crack crack craaack / craaack crack craaack crack / craaack crack craaack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack crack / crack crack crack / crack crack craaack / craaack crack craaack crack / craaack crack craaack* *flies off*
Bilbo: Huh, I wonder where it went?
Thorin: I hear talking, but I don't hear searching.
Fili: Maybe you should tell him whatever you were planning to tell him.
Bilbo: Uhh… *the thrush comes back, with an old raven with him* Hey look, the thrush brought a raven. We'll continue this conversation never.
Dwalin: Hey, look, a raven came in here all by itself.
Thrush: *crack crack / craaack crack crack crack / crack craaack crack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / craaack craaack crack / crack crack crack crack / craaack / crack crack crack crack / crack crack / craaack craaack / crack craaack craaack / crack crack crack crack / craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack crack crack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / crack craaack craaack crack / crack / craaack craaack craaack / crack craaack craaack crack / crack craaack crack crack / crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack / crack craaack crack crack / crack crack / crack crack crack / craaack / crack / craaack crack / craaack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack craaack / crack*
Balin: Well, what's he have to say for himself?
Dwalin: *listening carefully* Hmm…he says that cancer is eating what little is left of his brain, heart, and kidneys…
Bilbo: Well, that's depressing.
Dwalin: And also, Smaug is dead.
Bilbo: Say WHAT?!
Dwalin: Yeah, apparently someone named… *listens carefully to the raven* …Eugene? No, wait…Bard, managed to kill him.
Bombur: Who's that?
Oin: Does it matter?
Bombur: Kinda, yeah. We're over two thirds of the way through the book, and somehow a guy we've never heard of killed the big bad guy?
Bilbo: Wait, shouldn't we be closer to the end if Smaug is dead?
Ori: Maybe there's something even more deadly than a dragon coming?
Bilbo: *sighs* Ori, if something like that happens, I will personally use you as a human shield.
Ori: But I'm a dwarf.
Dwalin: Oh, also, the remaining citizens of Lake-Town are making their way to the mountain because they think we're dead.
Nori: Why would they think that?
Balin: Probably because the dragon that hasn't been seen in decades suddenly decided to destroy their town, after a pack of dwarves decided to claim their legacy, and now they need money to rebuild what they lost.
Nori: …yeah, that would do it.
Thorin: So, their coming to take our fortune?
Bilbo: To be fair, their town was destroyed because of us.
Dwalin: Also, the elves know we're here and are coming too.
Thorin: Aww hell no. Everyone, fortify the mountain. No-one gets in, or out.
Bilbo: Do we even have enough food for…
Thorin: *gets in Bilbo's face* No-one. Gets. In. Or. Out.
Bilbo: …this will end badly.
*later*
Dave: King Bard, are we sure the dwarves are dead?
Bard: Well, I mean, if they couldn't stop the dragon, they must be, right?
Keith: Well, this sign saying 'Fuck Off' makes me wonder.
Bard: It's probably an old sign written by Smaug.
Dave: The paint's still dripping.
Keith: Also, I don't think Smaug ever wrote anything. He just…you know…killed people.
Bard: Bah, everyone knows dragons are smart enough to write, just not smart enough to read.
Dave: What a wise king you are.
Bard: Now, let's get that gold *knocks on the door to the mountain*
Keith: I don't think anyone's alive in there.
Bard: And I say they are.
Thorin: *from inside* Who goes there?
Bard: See?
Thorin: Your name is "See"?
Bard: Silly disembodied voice. My name is Bard.
Thorin: Bard, eh?
Dave: That's King Bard to you!
Thorin: Oh, please. I'm the only king in these parts.
Keith: You better show him some respect, he's the one who killed Smaug.
Thorin: And if it wasn't for me and my people, you wouldn't have even had a dragon to slay, therefore I outrank you.
Dave: How dare you…
Bard: No, no, he's got a point.
Thorin: Damn right I do. Now, what do you want?
Bard: Well, you see Mr. King sir, the dragon destroyed a lot of our town, and you have a lot of money, and we were wondering if we could have a little of it to rebuild our town.
Thorin: And why would I do that?
Bard: Well, because you're such a wise and just king…
Thorin: Hmm…well, I do enjoy a good ass kissing…
Bard: Really?
Thorin: On the other hand, go fuck yourselves.
Keith: HEY! Don't make us come in there.
Thorin: Bring it on. We have the numbers advantage.
Dave: Weren't there only like thirteen of you?
Thorin: Uh…of course not. There's WAY more of us now.
Keith: Oh yeah? Like who?
Thorin: Uh…well, there's Joe *in a slightly gruff voice* Hi *back in his normal voice* and Jeff *in a different gruff voice* What's up? *in his normal voice* and other Geoff *in relatively normal voice* My name has a G in it *in his normal voice* and Karen *in a feminine voice* I'm gonna speak to your manager *in his normal voice* and who could forget Keith *in a voice that sounded like Keith's* How's it going?
Bard: KEITH! How dare you betray us like that?
Keith: I'm sorry Your Majesty.
Thorin: So, as you can see, we have numbers on our side, so unless you want to be brutally slaughtered…
Bard: Okay, we'll come back with some elves then.
Thorin: …what?
Bard: Yeah, the elves are on their way to help us rebuild. We'll see if they can spare a few to help beat you guys so we can pay them for their assistance.
Thorin: We'll, uh…have more by then?
Bard: I don't know, there's quite a lot of them coming. Okay, bye for now *leaves with Keith and Dave*
Thorin: So, anyone know where we can get some back-up?
Dwalin: Already sent the raven to recruit some of our kin from the Iron Hills.
Thorin: Excell…wait, wasn't he dying of cancer?
Dwalin: Yeah, why?
Thorin: …everyone, get armed. We're about to be under siege.
Bilbo: You realise we don't have much food left, right?
Thorin: What's your point?
Bilbo: *sigh* And here I was thinking the dragon was the only thing that could kill me in this mountain.
