Chapter 15: The Assembly of the Fog

Thorin: Any sign of the Arkenstone yet?

Balin: None, just like five minutes ago when you last asked.

Dwalin: And five minutes before that when you asked.

Dori: And five minutes before that too.

Nori: And in five minutes, when you ask again, the answer will still be the same.

Thorin: *ignoring them* Four minutes forty-four, four minutes forty-three…

Bilbo: Maybe I should tell him…

Fili: *suddenly behind him* Tell him what Bilbo?

Bilbo: JESUS FUCK! Where's you come from? *sees the thrush fly into the cave* Uh…tell him that thrush is back again.

Kili: That's not what you were planning to tell him, is it?

Bilbo: It is now *calls out to everyone* Hey guys, the thrush is back.

Gloin: Nobody cares Bilbo. Everyone knows thrushes can't communicate in any language known to humans.

Thrush: *crack crack / crack crack crack craaack / crack / craaack crack crack crack / crack / crack / craaack crack / craaack / crack craaack / crack craaack crack crack / craaack crack craaack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack crack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack craaack crack / crack crack crack / crack / craaack crack craaack crack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack crack crack / crack / craaack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / craaack / crack crack crack crack / crack crack / crack crack crack / crack craaack craaack / crack crack crack crack / craaack craaack craaack / crack craaack crack crack / crack / craaack / crack crack / craaack craaack / crack / crack craaack / crack crack crack / crack crack crack / crack crack crack crack / craaack craaack craaack / crack craaack crack crack / crack*

Oin: Yeah, only ravens are smart enough to tell anyone anything.

Thrush: *craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / craaack / crack crack crack crack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack crack craaack / crack craaack / crack crack craaack crack / crack crack craaack / craaack crack craaack crack / craaack crack craaack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack crack / crack craaack crack / crack craaack / crack crack crack craaack / crack / craaack crack / crack crack / crack crack crack / crack crack crack / craaack craaack / crack craaack / crack craaack crack / craaack / crack / crack craaack crack / craaack / crack crack crack crack / crack craaack / craaack crack / craaack craaack / crack*

Bofur: Yep, good old reliable ravens. Nothing beats them.

Thrush: *craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / craaack craaack crack / crack crack craaack / craaack crack craaack craaack / crack crack crack / crack crack craaack crack / crack crack craaack / craaack crack craaack crack / craaack crack craaack / crack crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack crack / crack crack crack / crack crack craaack / craaack crack craaack crack / craaack crack craaack* *flies off*

Bilbo: Huh, I wonder where it went?

Thorin: I hear talking, but I don't hear searching.

Fili: Maybe you should tell him whatever you were planning to tell him.

Bilbo: Uhh… *the thrush comes back, with an old raven with him* Hey look, the thrush brought a raven. We'll continue this conversation never.

Dwalin: Hey, look, a raven came in here all by itself.

Thrush: *crack crack / craaack crack crack crack / crack craaack crack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / craaack craaack crack / crack crack crack crack / craaack / crack crack crack crack / crack crack / craaack craaack / crack craaack craaack / crack crack crack crack / craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack crack crack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack crack craaack craaack / craaack craaack craaack / crack crack craaack / crack craaack craaack crack / crack / craaack craaack craaack / crack craaack craaack crack / crack craaack crack crack / crack / craaack crack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack / crack craaack crack crack / crack crack / crack crack crack / craaack / crack / craaack crack / craaack / craaack craaack craaack / craaack craaack / crack*

Balin: Well, what's he have to say for himself?

Dwalin: *listening carefully* Hmm…he says that cancer is eating what little is left of his brain, heart, and kidneys…

Bilbo: Well, that's depressing.

Dwalin: And also, Smaug is dead.

Bilbo: Say WHAT?!

Dwalin: Yeah, apparently someone named… *listens carefully to the raven* …Eugene? No, wait…Bard, managed to kill him.

Bombur: Who's that?

Oin: Does it matter?

Bombur: Kinda, yeah. We're over two thirds of the way through the book, and somehow a guy we've never heard of killed the big bad guy?

Bilbo: Wait, shouldn't we be closer to the end if Smaug is dead?

Ori: Maybe there's something even more deadly than a dragon coming?

Bilbo: *sighs* Ori, if something like that happens, I will personally use you as a human shield.

Ori: But I'm a dwarf.

Dwalin: Oh, also, the remaining citizens of Lake-Town are making their way to the mountain because they think we're dead.

Nori: Why would they think that?

Balin: Probably because the dragon that hasn't been seen in decades suddenly decided to destroy their town, after a pack of dwarves decided to claim their legacy, and now they need money to rebuild what they lost.

Nori: …yeah, that would do it.

Thorin: So, their coming to take our fortune?

Bilbo: To be fair, their town was destroyed because of us.

Dwalin: Also, the elves know we're here and are coming too.

Thorin: Aww hell no. Everyone, fortify the mountain. No-one gets in, or out.

Bilbo: Do we even have enough food for…

Thorin: *gets in Bilbo's face* No-one. Gets. In. Or. Out.

Bilbo: …this will end badly.

*later*

Dave: King Bard, are we sure the dwarves are dead?

Bard: Well, I mean, if they couldn't stop the dragon, they must be, right?

Keith: Well, this sign saying 'Fuck Off' makes me wonder.

Bard: It's probably an old sign written by Smaug.

Dave: The paint's still dripping.

Keith: Also, I don't think Smaug ever wrote anything. He just…you know…killed people.

Bard: Bah, everyone knows dragons are smart enough to write, just not smart enough to read.

Dave: What a wise king you are.

Bard: Now, let's get that gold *knocks on the door to the mountain*

Keith: I don't think anyone's alive in there.

Bard: And I say they are.

Thorin: *from inside* Who goes there?

Bard: See?

Thorin: Your name is "See"?

Bard: Silly disembodied voice. My name is Bard.

Thorin: Bard, eh?

Dave: That's King Bard to you!

Thorin: Oh, please. I'm the only king in these parts.

Keith: You better show him some respect, he's the one who killed Smaug.

Thorin: And if it wasn't for me and my people, you wouldn't have even had a dragon to slay, therefore I outrank you.

Dave: How dare you…

Bard: No, no, he's got a point.

Thorin: Damn right I do. Now, what do you want?

Bard: Well, you see Mr. King sir, the dragon destroyed a lot of our town, and you have a lot of money, and we were wondering if we could have a little of it to rebuild our town.

Thorin: And why would I do that?

Bard: Well, because you're such a wise and just king…

Thorin: Hmm…well, I do enjoy a good ass kissing…

Bard: Really?

Thorin: On the other hand, go fuck yourselves.

Keith: HEY! Don't make us come in there.

Thorin: Bring it on. We have the numbers advantage.

Dave: Weren't there only like thirteen of you?

Thorin: Uh…of course not. There's WAY more of us now.

Keith: Oh yeah? Like who?

Thorin: Uh…well, there's Joe *in a slightly gruff voice* Hi *back in his normal voice* and Jeff *in a different gruff voice* What's up? *in his normal voice* and other Geoff *in relatively normal voice* My name has a G in it *in his normal voice* and Karen *in a feminine voice* I'm gonna speak to your manager *in his normal voice* and who could forget Keith *in a voice that sounded like Keith's* How's it going?

Bard: KEITH! How dare you betray us like that?

Keith: I'm sorry Your Majesty.

Thorin: So, as you can see, we have numbers on our side, so unless you want to be brutally slaughtered…

Bard: Okay, we'll come back with some elves then.

Thorin: …what?

Bard: Yeah, the elves are on their way to help us rebuild. We'll see if they can spare a few to help beat you guys so we can pay them for their assistance.

Thorin: We'll, uh…have more by then?

Bard: I don't know, there's quite a lot of them coming. Okay, bye for now *leaves with Keith and Dave*

Thorin: So, anyone know where we can get some back-up?

Dwalin: Already sent the raven to recruit some of our kin from the Iron Hills.

Thorin: Excell…wait, wasn't he dying of cancer?

Dwalin: Yeah, why?

Thorin: …everyone, get armed. We're about to be under siege.

Bilbo: You realise we don't have much food left, right?

Thorin: What's your point?

Bilbo: *sigh* And here I was thinking the dragon was the only thing that could kill me in this mountain.