Chapter One
(BPOV)
Bright rays of sun and ocean waves coaxed me awake for another day, and for a moment, the emptiness in me faded away but it was fleeting.
My eyes opened and I stared blankly at the tin ceiling tiles that lay above me in Renee's new beach house.
I mindlessly counted the many square patterns and waited for the usual fresh coffee aroma to weft into my room the same way it did every morning.
Like clockwork, I could hear Renee singing joyfully in the kitchen, as she undoubtedly whisked up the eggs she needed for our omelets and threw a few slices of toast into the nearby toaster.
This was our routine lately, getting up with the sunrise to enjoy a quick breakfast, before she would grab her sneakers and toss me my favorite ball cap while insisting we go for a morning jog to focus our minds.
My mother had never been one to jog, or even speed walk for that matter. She did do the occasional yoga when I was younger, as I vaguely recall, but ever since she divorced Phil and moved into her beach house, she had taken it up like an athlete.
Whether she was more dedicated to running for the sole purpose of alleviating her own anxiety and stress or mine, I still wasn't entirely sure.
"Ah Good! You are awake!" I heard her then call to me from my door, her tone as chipper as it ever was.
I tried tossing the blankets over my head but she stopped me before I could get far.
"Mom- please... five more minutes." I half moaned in clear protest.
"No way, it's nearly seven. The birds are chirping and half the morning will be gone before you know it. Come on! Rise and shine!"
I reluctantly dragged myself out of the warm bed then as she softly brushed my long locks away from my face.
"I'm not rising or shining, and how many times exactly are you gonna use this age old bird analogy of yours?" I quipped to her in sarcastic reply.
"As many as it takes for you to get up on time!" She chuckled, tossing me my running shoes and blue ball cap. "The coffee is on and the omelets will be getting cold if we don't get a move on! So lets go!"
"Can I ask what the point is to running every morning?" I finally hedged.
"Well, lets see now. There's a few reasons. It gets the blood going! It's good exercise and great for mental health!"
"...and there it is." I stated, passing her to head for the kitchen. "Running isn't the cure all."
"Oh, I know that! But there's no harm in trying is there!? Besides, with a fishermen father like you have, I'm sure you've heard of how the early bird gets the worm."
I took my mug from the island and narrowed my brows her way.
"Charlie loves sleeping in. I remember."
"Yes, but he also knows that timing is everything to catch fish!" She replied, placing my plate down in front me with a knowing smirk.
I took a large bite of the cheesy omelet and met her gaze again.
"I'm not sure if it's helping...-" I soon honestly admitted.
"Well, we just have to keep trying. You know what your therapist said last session. These things take time."
"It's been almost two years mom."
"Yes, but as she tells you often, there is no specific time frame for how healing is supposed to work. Everyone is different."
"-or I'm defective. Which wouldn't surprise me. That surely would explain a lot."
"Bella...-" Renee somberly countered. "Don't say that."
I took a sip from my coffee and glanced out the window then, silently reflecting on the events that had left me here.
My marriage to Edward had lasted less than a full year before I realized what a mistake I had made in thinking I could leave everyone I loved behind and join the Cullens. Everything about our relationship changed when he learned I was pregnant. My body couldn't sustain that pregnancy, and in the end, Carlisle had convinced me to terminate in order to save my own life.
A few months went by and we all relocated to be closer with the Denali clan, in the hopes that the move would prove to mend some things and be a good fresh start. A move that was intended to heal us, ended up tearing us apart all the more, and though Tanya and her family were welcoming, there was also a connection Edward shared with her that I couldn't ignore. She related to him in ways I never could because she fit in with their world. She was part of it after all, and on more than one occasion, I had caught the two of them sharing a longing look from across the dinner table whenever we invited them over.
The division between us only got worse from there, and before I knew it, I had contacted a lawyer requesting divorce papers be drawn up. Things were amicable. He gave me what I asked for and then some, to be sure I was comfortable and well cared for during it all.
Once our divorce was finalized, I left Alaska and headed for Jacksonville, only to discover that Renee had also just left Phil.
We rented a small apartment together for almost a year before we had saved enough for the down payment on a nice beach house just outside of Santa Rose in Walton County.
The touch of Renees hand on my own drew me back into the present and I sighed.
"It really is nice here mom." I softly admitted to her.
"Makes my heart happy to hear you say that. I wouldn't want to share this little beach house with anyone else."
I smiled at her reply and finished my coffee, before piling my hair up into a ponytail and putting on my ball cap.
"How many miles today?"
"Two-...maybe three if that cute lifeguard it still on duty!" Renee laughed.
"You're unbelievable!"
"Hey, I am a single woman!" She stated.
"He's probably a college student!" I exclaimed, with a shake of my head as she laced up her sneakers by the front door.
"-... maybe?! But maybe he just looks young! You never know, he may like older women, and I could show him a thing or two!"
I blushed and tried to ignore her comment as we started our run.
"You just like his muscles."
"Yes, it's true. Bella, I might be old but I'm not dead. Of course I like his muscles! Did you see them!? Do you know anyone who is built like that!?"
The sunny smile that came instantly to my minds eye made me nearly trip as we rounded the first corner.
My silence made her toss a look my way.
"If I had money on me, I'd bet you that I know exactly where your mind just went when I asked that question."
"You'd be wrong." I stubbornly hedged. "You don't know what I'm thinking."
"I know who you're thinking of."
Her words, though playful and innocent, made my legs feel like cement as I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat and the stinging tears in my eyes.
I turned my head toward the ocean and inhaled deeply, the scent making his memory even more tangible.
We ran in contented silence along the path adjacent to the beach and I smiled at the families all gathering their as the morning wore on, my mind replaying the last time I'd seen Jacob.
His words still rang out loudly in my memory.
"I know how this ends and I'm not sticking around to watch."
I hadn't heard his voice again after he'd spoken this to me.
It had been so long.
Charlie was the only person I had kept in touch with from Washington. We'd since made it a habit to call each other every Sunday evening and talk for a while. We had kept up with it since I'd moved here and I had genuinely grown to look forward to his call. He was always careful not to bring up the Blacks, even though he and Billy still remained very close and had dinner together every Friday evening on the Reservation.
I think he gathered that the less I knew, the better off I was for it.
I would always ask how Billy's health was and Charlie assured me he was doing well these days which made me smile.
Most nights, if sleep evaded me, I'd lay awake wondering if Jacob had found happiness in his life and I'd silently pray that he had.
I still wanted the best for him.
"Feeling up for another mile?" Renee suddenly asked, as we stopped for a much need water break and stretched.
"I think I can do another, but I'm not up for three!" I breathlessly told her.
"Sounds good! Hey, maybe when we're done we can head back home to shower and make a run to the shopping plaza. There's a few things I need."
"Okay." I huffed in reply. "I wanna check out the job listings again."
"Don't rush it." Renee thoughtfully reminded, her worried gaze slipping down to the healing scar along my right wrist.
"Being productive helps me stay grounded." I added, self consciously turning that hand away from her view.
"Yes, and we can take a look. Just don't feel like you have to hurry back out into the work force, but if you're getting antsy, you were a great waitress at the pier. I'm sure they'd consider taking you back. Call the manager again."
I cringed at just the thought of this.
"Everyone knows what happened last Summer there. It makes me uncomfortable. Marissa says they all still talk. We've been texting."
"Marissa should keep that information to herself. It doesn't help you. That's always bothered me about her. She talks too much for her own good."
"You know that's just her personality." I replied.
"Well, maybe a change of scenery would do you good? What about applying at the art exhibit to help? They always have flyers up."
"Maybe." I shrugged.
"It's okay to be worried what others have heard, but those with class and kindness won't let that effect their opinion of you, Bella. You're still just as smart and wonderful as you ever were." Renee cheerfully reminded.
I nodded and dwelled on the possibility of people in town still regularly running the gossip mill about me being crazy and a danger to myself. The stigma around mental health wasn't always flattering.
"You had a hard few months last Summer, but the new meds seem to be helping still, right?"
"Yeah, so far."
"Then if you feel you're ready, it can't hurt to try to get back out there. Maybe even go on a date?"
"No dating. Just work." I sharply clarified.
Renee sighed and nodded toward the sand across the way where there were plenty of eligible shirtless bachelors there all eager to make a pass at the next thing with long hair and even longer legs.
"I mean, he's a looker." Renee whispered, pointing to the tanned blonde who was currently spiking a volleyball over the net with his friends.
"Mom- please. I'm begging you."
"Okay, Okay. Fine, I'll lay off for now, but you can't stay cooped up in that small sunroom we have at the beach house, reading the next best novel every weekend. Girls gotta get out and live a little."
"I like my books, and I think you sometimes do enough living for the both of us." I chuckled in return.
"Come on." She hedged, with a light nudge into my shoulder.
As we passed passed by the group of college kids playing volleyball, I saw the glint in the eyes of the one who Renee had previously pointed out.
I pretended not to notice his ogling as we continued on our run.
"He's looking." Renee laughed. "Go say hello!"
"No way- I'm not g-"
My thought was interrupted by the frantic yelling of 'heads up' as the ball came soaring in our direction.
I caught it before it could hit Renee in the face and tossed it back to them.
With confidence exuding from his every stride, the tall blonde headed our way with a grin that should be illegal.
"Hey thanks for the help." He huffed with a wink.
"It's no problem." I assured him.
"I don't recognize you from campus. Are you from around here?" He asked.
"Oh, yeah. I live a few miles back and I don't attend college so-"
"Oh, what a shame. I'm sorry- I'm Scott. What's your name?"
"It's Bella."
"Bella?" He replied, toying with my name as if trying it out. "Well my friends and I are gonna have a bonfire tonight at seven. You're welcome to join us if ya want. Catch you around."
He left the invitation open, as if he assumed I would be coming, his devil may care charm hard to ward off.
"Thanks." I yelled back with a wave before turning to see my mothers wide grin.
"So, we're going to a bonfire tonight, huh?"
"Maybe-... and what's this we stuff!? He invited me!" I teased.
"Oh please. You know you want me to tag along!"
"You're right. I kinda do." I admitted. "I haven't been to a bonfire in years."
"Not since you lived with Charlie, if I recall? Didn't Billy have them here and there?"
"Yeah, something like that."
"How is he doing? Old Billy? Miss him sometimes."
"Charlie says he's doing okay." I countered.
"They still get together on Fridays and cackle like old women!?" Renee scoffed.
"Yep! Every week! I'm glad though. It's good for him. You know, not to be alone all the time."
I tensed then, waiting for her to inevitably press the conversation a bit further and she didn't disappoint.
"I'm sure he isn't alone. Jake still must check in. They were always real close."
I didn't respond for the rest of the mile we finished running and when we reached the steps of the beach house, Renee spun around before I could make it past her inside, effectively trapping me there.
"Sometimes I wonder about you...-"
"What? Why? Where did that come from?"
"You always avoid the topic of Jacob like the plague."
"With good reason." I quipped back, pushing past her and heading for the porch.
"Does he even know you're officially single?"
"I don't know." I quietly replied, taking a long haul off my water and plopping down in one of the rocking chairs Renee had found at a recent garage sale. "What does that matter?"
"I think you know why it would. Don't be coy with me." She hedged. "Things may have ended badly with your friendship before because of Edward but-"
"Mom, please. I don't want to talk about this. Seriously."
"I see the way your face changes whenever his name is casually mentioned. Which, isn't often-"
"Thankfully-" I half whispered.
"There has to be more to this story."
I turned my face away from her as I contemplated just how very much more there was to this story that she was completely oblivious to. Something I had high hopes of keeping that way for as long as I possibly could.
"There's nothing worth mentioning. We just- we- we didn't mesh- once Edward came back."
Renee's expression grew somber at the mention of this.
"You know, Charlie used to call me after the Cullens left. Said you were really having a hard time. He was ready to send you back to Florida to be with me then."
"He probably should have. Would've saved me a world of hurt in the end."
"I don't think so...-"
"Why not?" I surprisingly countered.
"-because he would often tell me how much being around Jacob seemed to really do something for you. Like you almost seemed different- better- less fragile. Those were his words of course. I wasn't there."
"Dad would say something like that. He always thought highly of Jake."
"What did you think of him? Gosh, land knows I haven't seen that boy since he was just knee high to a grasshopper. Only photos."
I tried to ignore the pit in my stomach that was steadily forming from our impromptu conversation, but my attempts were futile.
"Why are we talking about this?" I sighed, getting up from my seat and heading inside, only for her reply to stop me short.
"Well, I would like to know whats going on in that head of yours sometimes, and something tells me you think about him more than you let on."
"...-is it that obvious?" I asked, turning back to face her.
"Some days it is. Others not so much. Last Summer - it was. Almost as if you missed him."
"He was there for me when I was at my lowest before. When Edward left. When his family left. What happened last Summer was different. There wasn't a reason for it."
"Depression is hard, and you're right there isn't always a reason for it but maybe, part of you missed having that friend around like before. Whatever he did or didn't do seemed to help you."
"Maybe." I reluctantly agreed. "But that was a while ago mom. Almost four years ago. Life goes on. It always does."
"Sometimes."
"Always."
"How do you know that for sure?" Renee asked in reply.
"-because that's how the world works. It just keeps spinning."
"I think you owe it to yourself to find out if his world is still spinning without you in it."
Her statement made my eyes go wide.
"You're not serious-..."
"I am very serious."
"Why would I want to know about all the details of how his life is now? How he has moved on and probably has a great home with a beautiful wife and children that come running to him every night." I pointedly asked her, unaware of my emotion until I felt the lone tear slip down my cheek.
Renee stood and wiped away the tear with a sad smile then.
"-...because Bella, my girl, tears are words the heart can't say."
Her response was heartfelt but also unfinished.
"...-and?" I softly implored.
"-and I have a feeling your story with him just isn't done yet."