A/N: I'm back with a chapter almost three times as long as the first four combined. There is a lot here including sexual content, nothing that stretches into smut territory but definitely not for kids. Anyway, enjoy.
It didn't take long for Carly to get used to sharing her bed with Freddie. Sexual intimacy was another matter, every time they tried to become sexually active together something got in the way and as the one new to her feelings Carly steadily became more and more anxious at night, waiting for new opportunities, but she just couldn't tell Freddie her increasing frustration. That was because during the day he was in the process of selling the Kevin App to devote more time to Millicent and producing Icarly content, which pleased both ladies. On the second night, when Freddie returned from brushing his teeth Carly watched him walk slowly up to her and climb onto her bed. "You have that—I want something but I'm afraid to ask—look?"
"I don't want you to think that this is just a physical thing for me." She said nervously.
"You being frisky is the one thing that I didn't expect when we started dating, but believe me I already know it's more than that." He told her gently. "I've just been so busy lately. Anyway, tell me what's on your mind, Carly?" He encouraged gently.
Carly dropped her head shyly. "It might push the boundaries of the whole virginity thing." She said nervously.
"Well I'm positive that unless there is sexual intercourse and penetration, we're still virgins." He reminded her bluntly.
"Why did you say it all weird Benson? It's intercourse sex." She said looking both amused and confused.
"Uh Carls, no it isn't." He maintained a straight face but it was only because of the innocent look of disbelief she gave him.
"Oh…" She seemed contemplative for a brief moment and then spoke. "I don't like that way," Carly decided dismissively. "It makes it sound like something smart people say so us virgins feel self-conscious…" She used her mocking and sarcastic voice reserved for Icarly skits. "Sexual intercourse— " She dragged out in total boredom, looking as though she swallowed something gross. "…why do scientists have to make everything sound like they're the only ones who are smart." She finished in annoyance.
"That's exactly why my favorite thing about you is how silly you are Carly Shay." Freddie was laughing so hard he clutched his chest.
"Hey come on, you know that Spencer didn't give me the talk about 'the birds and the bees or my changing body'!" She made air quotes giggling at his reaction.
"Well, you could have gotten the information at school, but you fell asleep in sex-ed class, you think we boys liked Mr. Howard showing a video and then quizzing us after, um definitely not." He reminded her after Freddie recovered from his fit of laughter.
"Hey, Miss Briggs was teaching the girls. You wouldn't pay attention either if she lectured you about puberty and sex. It was like Charlie Brown's teacher!" Carly giggled defensively.
"Okay, okay but didn't my mom show you how to use tampons." He asked calmly.
"I didn't have a choice then, Spencer noticed that I was getting my period one day and freaked out about it. Then next thing I know you're Mom is over and showing me how to use tampons. That was the last time I let Spencer do my laundry." She said bluntly.
"Understandable… I'm sorry, Carly, that my mom is all that you had." Freddie locked eyes with her an unspoken understanding passed silently between them as the mood changed on the spot becoming thick with tension that had nothing to do with their relationship.
Not once in all the years that Freddie knew them had Carly or Spencer ever spoken about their mother. Whenever there was talk of absent parents among the group they only acknowledged their dad Steven. The only time Freddie had ever asked Carly about her mother was about a year after they regularly met at the park to play. Carly had burst into tears on the spot and only stopped crying when Spencer came over to calm her down. She had insisted on going home immediately claiming that she was tired and there was a gap of time before he saw her again. Freddie noticed the look in her eyes change at the question, they immediately held confusion and sadness. It was a look that he recognized even then because it was the same thing he felt not knowing what happened happened to his father at the time. It was clear that Carly didn't know where her mother was to this day and might never know… Freddie had considered asking Spencer many times over the years as he was probably old enough to know what became of their mother, but he felt it would be betraying Carly to do that. Carly clearly avoided the subject entirely and he vowed to always respect that.
Carly eventually broke the delicate silence. "I appreciate that Freddie, thank you." She made sure to put all the emotional emphasis into her thank you so that he knew that she knew what his true meaning was behind his words. They went to bed a short time later because she had gotten too tired to even bother trying to start crossing their current boundaries and she could tell Freddie was tired too.
By the third straight night, she was comfortable enough to sleep wearing her CPAP mask, and he would still smile at her with the same genuineness that he always did, it made her heart skip with joy. Carly was glad she claimed the apartment for the week because days were busy. They had done a lot of making out over the last three nights, it was amazing, but still lacked any true sexual intimacy that Carly was desperate for.
Now four days in they were out to dinner for the evening. "Even if it's here at Shay What, I'm a little surprised that you wanted to go out to eat," Freddie said to her as they sat at a table eating together.
"Well, I thought eating three nights in a row was a bit much, especially with my lack of cooking skills," Carly told him, giggling hopelessly.
Freddie was dismissive and praising. "So you heated food from a box, you still handled dinner." He grinned reassuringly.
She shrugged but was smiling appreciatively. "Thanks, still I heard from Spencer that he added stake—filet mignon—to the menu, and I knew that my Freddie deserved a fancy dinner." Her tone was affectionate but also eager.
Ever since telling Freddie of her emotional epiphanies about their squiggle of teenage romance, Carly was embracing the ownership she felt over him, and saying 'My Freddie' was her most frequent way to reinforce that Freddie Benson was hers and hers alone. Her cukey boyfriend loved anytime she slipped it into their conversation, there was just something about hearing the sense of ownership in her voice that gave him pride and satisfaction.
"Aw look at my girl making me feel so special." He said back to her.
Carly swallowed her food and looked lovingly at the man she had known almost all her life. "You've made me feel so special for close to two decades and we weren't even dating until a few days ago." She leaned her head in close to Freddie grabbing his cupping his face, "Now that we are, all I want is to always make you feel that special too." She kissed him but it was not driven by lust. Still, it was deeply meaningful all the same.
After the kiss, Freddie held Carly's gaze seriously. "You already do." He assured her softly.
She smiled from ear to ear, "You're so sweet." His voice really was the most wonderful sound in the world to her and the fact that now she would always be able to hear his words of affection made her heart feel far too big for her chest.
After they finished eating and left they were on the way home to the Bushwell when Carly decided she didn't want the evening to end. "It's a beautiful night, want to keep walking?" She asked looking tenderly up at him.
"Sure, any place in mind?" He asked curiously.
She shook her head. "Just a nighttime stroll."
"Sounds good to me." He said softly taking her hand and lacing their fingers together.
They were walking for a little while when Carly broke the silence. "How's Milicent been since we started dating?"
"Despite how she acts about it when you're around it doesn't bother her too much. It mostly annoys her that I'm always talking about you when driving her back and forth to and from school." He chuckled.
"You talk about me so much it annoys her?" She asked flattered.
He chuckled. "All she knows right now is puppy love, when she feels the real thing, she'll be singing a different tune!"
"Hopefully, it doesn't take her as long as it took us to stop running from the real thing." Carly said quietly, resting her head on his shoulder.
"I'm still hoping that I have a few more years before I have to deal with any serious boyfriends for Millicent." Freddie said anxiously.
She laughed. "Understandable, teenage girls don't use their brains about boys, I know I didn't. I went after so many guys that didn't go past one date, and of the four boyfriends I've had, not one of them stuck except for you." She put her arm around Freddie and hugged him against her. "Thanks for being my friend through all my bad decisions. Sometimes I really don't know which one was the worst." Carly sheepishly shook her head.
Freddie did not even need to think about the answer. "Griffin, and it's not even close." He said automatically. "He just thought he's smart and cool and he's neither, and yes I am biased after his pyramid scheme lost all three of us all that combined money."
"At least I wasn't dating him then, growth!" Carly was relieved that she hadn't fall for him a second time.
Freddie smiled praisingly. "I'm proud of you, I know in middle and high school it wasn't easy for you to resist the hot guy, but you've come a long way."
"I had my weakness, but so did you Benson. I seem to recall several pretty girls you drooled over back then."
"No more than you." He teased softly.
Carly responded dryly. "Nope sorry, I'm not into girls."
Freddie countered just as dryly. "Well Carly, Brooke seemed to think otherwise, so..."
"Brooke is an airhead." Carly giggled rolling her eyes at Freddie, who laughed in agreement.
He looked relieved. "Well, I'm glad you're not into girls. It was hard enough dealing with other guys that got your attention all the time."
Carly was definitely glad that she understood Freddie's pain and longing now. "You don't have to worry about that anymore, I'm all yours." She patted his chest gently, smiling at him, and he grinned back as they continued their nighttime stroll.
They had been walking for some time when Carly realized that they had ended up near a familiar place. "Ohhh wow, look at that Freddie, we're right by—come on let's go!" She said eagerly, pulling him along with excitement. "It's the playground in the park that we used to play at as kids, it's where we met!"
"I remember." He assured, smiling at her.
September 8th, 1999
Spencer had tried everything he could think of at home to get his baby sister to stop crying, but nothing worked. Now five years old Carly was fully aware that their Dad wasn't around and a five year old girl didn't understand the important military service he was doing. No, all Carly understood was that her daddy was gone for most of the year to the point that he had transferred legal guardianship to his 18 year old son. Their mother had abandoned them fairly recently, he wondered how long it would take for Carly to comprehend that. He bought some time by saying that she was on a long business trip) clearly she was desperate for attention and Spencer couldn't blame her. Still, he was in law school and needed to study for a pretty major exam, but couldn't focus with her endless crying. Rather than stay home, Spencer decided to take Carly to the playground in the local park, it had more than a few places to sit and study and admittedly Spencer hoped to get sympathy from parents who were there with their children and maybe just maybe they would keep Carly distracted long enough for him to get a few hours of studying done. The park wasn't overly crowded, but Carly was overwhelmed almost immediately and clung to her big brother's leg crying in fear—well at least this crying he could do something about.
"Carly, there's nothing to be afraid of, a lot of kids your age play here, be brave try and make a friend." He encouraged gently, dropping to her level.
"But your my friend." She pouted in confusion.
"Yeah, but I'm also your older brother and I take care of you." He patted her head gently. "It's not the same as having a best friend—like me and Socko." He said with a smile.
"But it's scary, what if I can't find you, what if nobody likes me and I'm all alone." She sounded nervous and sad.
He pointed in the direction of a small pavilion. "If you need me I'll be studying by those tables at the far end of the park," Then he whispered secretly in her ear. "And I'll give you a tip for making friends, find someone who is alone and that way you can be alone together and it'll cheer up both of you. Then bam you are friends." He encouraged enthusiastically.
"But what if— " She felt Spencer pat her gently on the head.
He gave his baby sister a tight hug. "Carly, there is no way some other kids here won't like you." Carly seemed less scared now, she was even smiling as he broke the hug.
"Okay, if you promise." She shyly said, the last word mispronounced, but she still didn't quite have the hang of saying her R's, Spencer smiled and watched as she went off towards the playground.
"Please, let her find at least one friend." Spencer said hopefully to himself, as he made his way to the tables to study.
Elsewhere a small boy had snuck off to escape his father's latest argument with his mother over the phone, his parents were always arguing. He was too short for the monkey bars and took scrawny for sports and he wasn't in the mood to play on the slide or the sandbox because his mother would just fuss over him when he got home. Alone on the swings, he looked around the park, it was impossible not to notice both newcomers as one was quite tall and a boy. It was the small girl that scrawny and small Freddie Benson was distracted by. The girl was only a little taller than him and she was wearing a maroon sundress with purple flowered white-buckled shoes. He was sure he hadn't seen them here before, he would have remembered such a cute girl. The taller man had strange socks and was comforting the little girl who seemed like she didn't want to go off by herself, but after a hug she did. Freddie watched her look around a bit aimlessly and she seemed nervous, at least until she looked in his direction because then she looked excited—like she found who she was searching the park for, which was odd to him because she definitely didn't know him at all. He was sure that she must have noticed him watching her so he looked at his shoes. His mom always said it was rude to stare at people, but soon he was staring at the girl's shoes, she had walked right up to him without making a sound.
"Hi!" She said cheerfully, lowering her head to meet his face.
"I'm sorry!" He said automatically, almost falling backward off the swing.
"Huh?" She said blankly. "That's for apologizing silly!" She giggled.
"Um I thought—I mean I'm sorry—I mean hi…" He trailed off nervously.
"You said that already!" She giggled again, taking the other swing. "I'm Carly, by the way."
"Uh Freddie." He said, stealing another glance at her.
"You keep looking at me like I have something on my face?" She asked, leaning in close. She noticed that he was wearing a shirt (Spencer told her that Maroon was the color when red and brown came together) the same color just like her. For some reason she thought it was a good sign.
Freddie didn't understand it but looking at Carly made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. "No, I've just never seen such a pretty girl at this park— I mean your dress is pretty." The words came out, luckily Carly didn't seem to notice that he was nervous around her.
"Oh, thanks, we're wearing the same color, see it's your shirt too!" She pointed out, smiling at him. "You're nice, Freddie. Why is a cute a boy like you all alone?" She asked sympathetically.
"My parents are always arguing and I am too short and scrawny to play with other kids." He said frowning.
"That tall guy with the funny socks isn't your dad?" He asked surprised.
"Oh, no that's just my big brother Spencer, he takes care of me while mommy and daddy are away. Carly squinted her face thinking hard for a moment."My daddy is always on a boat underwater so I don't think that my mommy has a chance to argue with him much. I know they both travel a lot but I'm not sure what they do."
"My mom works at the hospital, and my dad works for a big computer company." He sighed. "They are always fighting." He looked very sad now.
Carly's body suddenly hurt the same way it hurt when she missed her parents, "I'm sad too. We should be friends and that way we won't be sad anymore." She offered kindly, remembering her brother's advice.
Freddie blushed. "Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend, people like to make fun of me and bully me."
Carly was in shock. "That's just mean!" She got off the swing and gave Freddie a big hug. "I'm sorry kids hurt you, Freddie!" She said quietly. "A hug makes me feel better." She explained thoughtfully, even after she separated she held his hand, bullies were bad. "I'm very good at knocking bullies down when they try to steal my stuff, I will protect you!" She smiled brightly.
"Sure, thanks, Carly!" Freddie said eagerly.
"Yay we're friends now!" She said cheerfully. "Cone on Freddie, I want you to meet my brother." Still holding his hand Carly led him away and he grinned at her.
Freddie never expected to meet such a nice girl, but before he knew it that strange warm and fuzzy feeling was back again. He had no idea why it was there, but he knew that he would follow Carly anywhere and hoped that he would see her every day.
Back in the present…
"The park hasn't changed in all these years," Carly said softly, before pulling Freddie over to one of the tables and sitting with him.
"We spent a lot of time here together. You said you were sad too and that if we were friends we wouldn't be sad anymore." He remembered fondly.
"Spencer was the one who told me that, and so when I saw you sitting alone I felt brave enough to walk over and say hi. I made Spencer take me to that park every day hoping you would be there. I think I pestered him so much that got in touch with your parents to set up playdates, and then eventually we ended up at Ridgeway together." Carly said fondly.
Freddie smiled thoughtfully at her. "Being friends was the only thing that helped me as things slowly fell apart between my parents." He sighed. "It only took five years for my dad to lose so much money that we couldn't afford our house."
She was sympathetic. "I always wondered why I never saw him take you home from the park."
He nodded, scoffing bitterly. "Yeah, he could never stop gambling long enough to pick up his own son, every paycheck he had was gone the same day he got it, by the time he took off anyway. You and I became neighbors a few months after he ran away."
"Two years later, we would start early, and the rest as they say is history." She finished softly. "Hey, you want me to push you on the swings, for old time's sake?" She asked with a smile, eying the swing set in the distance.
He grinned too. "Yes please."
They popped up eagerly, and Carly pushed Freddie as he seated himself on one of the swings.
After a while, Carly broke the silence. "You know, I was always so sad before we met and I still am every once in a while, but most of the time I'm happy and you're the reason why, though I have to give Sam a little credit too."
Yeah, I know what you mean, I'm glad I met you before she did though." He said proudly.
She rolled her eyes. "It's not a competition."
"Yeah, not anymore, because I won!" He said smugly.
Carly pulled him off the swing and in close so that they were almost touching. "I suppose if you were secretly competing with Sam for my attention then you did win. I spent more time alone with you even after I met Sam." She whispered affectionately.
"Speaking of time alone. How about we go back to your place? It's getting late." He whispered.
"That sounds perfect." She whispered back kissing him.
The sky unexpectedly opened up so getting back to the Bushwell and Carly's apartment eventually became less of a leisurely stroll and more a hasty sprint.
"That was totally random," Freddie said shivering a little while Carly opened her apartment door. "Did the forecast have any rain tonight?" He asked.
"Not that I saw." She shrugged as they stepped inside and she closed the door behind them. "But now I'm glad I didn't dress up." She said in relief looking over her wet clothes.
"Yeah, tell me about it." Freddie's feet were particularly soaked as he had seemingly stepped in every possible puddle. "I'll be tracking water through your apartment." He gave an apologetic sigh.
"Don't worry about it," Carly said dismissively. "I can let your shoes and socks dry out if you leave them here tonight."
"Yeah, I've been sleeping here anyway." He agreed, taking them off. Who knew we would get caught in the rain." He chuckled.
"Sometimes, things just…catch you by surprise." Carly said slowly, feeling warm despite being wet. When did he get abs? Did he always have abs and I just never noticed? Now stop gawking like an idiot Carly! Being stupid is why it took you 16 years to accept that you want to be his girlfriend…
"Yeah, sometimes you notice things…that you never expected." Freddie's voice was low and deep. How did I help her change last night and not notice, even her chest is perfect…I am staring at my best friend's breasts, what is the matter with me!
"I'm going to go change in my room." Carly said slowly. Why is he looking at me like he's doing something wrong staring at my breasts? She thought irritably.
"Did you want to shower?" He offered.
She shook her head. "You go ahead." She smiled and then turned around heading to her room.
Carly closed the door and sighed, closing her eyes. She was wet from rain, the heat in her body didn't make any sense. It's not that she wasn't used to finding Freddie attractive. If she was honest with herself that was an increasing occurrence since puberty, which had amazing effects on her techie best friend and most of it was impossible not to notice, but now Freddie Benson was affecting her body. Again not necessarily new for her especially as they got older but it was always fleeing whenever it would come over her. Now was very constant and intense. Carly found herself thinking about Freddie's body, his toned muscles including abs that she apparently just now noticed. She opened her eyes and focused on getting out of her wet clothes, taking off everything, including her bra and underwear, and tossed it all into her hamper. Being out of her wet clothes and undergarments was definitely more comfortable and she was going to get dressed automatically, but then she spotted something that completely distracted her—the Rose that Freddie had given her. Carly walked over and picked up the Rose, it still smelled wonderful and admittedly she liked the idea of smelling like roses for her boyfriend, after a few minutes she put her rose back, then a solution to her remaining water problem occurred to her.
Carly found and plugged in her hair dryer. "It'll dry my hair…" After a few minutes, her hair was indeed dry. "Looks like I'm still damp everywhere else…" She looked at the hair dryer in her hand. "Hmmm, it would be faster, just on low, don't want to burn myself." She said thoughtfully.
After she finished using the hair dryer on her body and put it away, Carly suddenly found her thoughts drifting back to Freddie in the shower and everything new she noticed about his body.
Carly felt giddy and warm all over. "Freddie is my boyfriend AND my best friend and I know he loves me so much…Plus he's so smart and hot!" The realization that Freddie Benson was making her feel so happy and also so turned on was overwhelming in all the best ways. Freddie was everything to her and she knew that feeling would never go away.
Admittedly, she had never felt this way, but it made all her past behavior towards other guys laughably insignificant—even recents like Beau and Wes. Sure she had thought numerous guys were hot before, but no matter how much she drooled over guys back then, she definitely didn't actively think about them when they weren't around. They were always out of sight, out of mind. There was not a single guy past or present that affected Carly on this level—except Freddie. He and he alone, was never far from her mind, even as friends. Now that they were dating, he occupied the majority of Carly's thoughts even when he was away from her occupied with something.
The overflow of emotional and more notably sexual feelings about Freddie, it drove everything else from her mind. She laid down on her bed, thoughts, and visions of her boyfriend flooding her brain, some naughtier than others. "Oh God…" She was amused by her naughty thoughts, releasing a heated breath. "I'm so bad!" She whispered shamefully, but she wasn't really ashamed.
Aroused, Carly relaxed and began to rub between her legs with her right hand roaming her fingers along the flesh there humming infrequently, and then quite abruptly Carly found herself imagining that it was his hand, "Freddie…" She whimpered softly getting completely lost in her pleasure and the feelings that came with it.
Meanwhile, a room away Freddie was dealing with similar thoughts and urges about Carly, something that he had been dealing with regularly since puberty, except that back then it was much less intense, driven by the fantasy of confessions of love that led to juvenile make-out sessions. The fact that he was now living the juvenile fantasies he once thought impossible made Freddie's present-day thoughts and feelings about Carly anything but juvenile and that realization alone was enough that it threatened to undo him. Freddie calmed down a while later and finished his shower and wrapped himself in a towel. It probably seemed redundant to shower after getting caught in the rain, but a certain degree of his mother's obsession with being clean and germ-free had rubbed off on him and he realized that this was probably what led him to forget to bring a change of clothes with him into the bathroom, his overnight bag stashed in Carly's room. Could he go in there in just a towel? That would be awkward, wouldn't it?
"I'll just be quick about it." He said, quickly leaving the bathroom for her room.
Carly had no clue that Freddie's shower was over, let alone that he forgot to bring fresh clothes with him from the bags he put in her room at the beginning of the week. Freddie was also too distracted from trying to shake the water from his ears and unfortunately couldn't hear anything clearly, much less what his girlfriend was doing on the other side of her bedroom door as he nonchalantly opened it.
"I forgot to take clothes with me into the bathroom and—oh my god!" He said, caught totally off guard.
Just like that he was a crashed computer program. Freddie was not responding, completely frozen. The last thing in his life Freddie Benson ever expected to see was Carly Shay laying very naked on her bed in the middle of intense masturbation… It took Carly a moment to become fully aware that the man driving her to the point of needing sexual self-gratification for the first time in her life had walked in on her. Once her eyes opened, she saw that her door was open before she saw Freddie standing in it. Her first thought when she realized he was there was that she didn't want to do that cliché thing where the person getting walked in on scrambles to hastily dress while the person that interrupted backs out of the room excessively apologizing for a complete accident and then both people try to pretend that nothing happened. Why make an awkward situation even more awkward?
How long had he been in the shower?
"I didn't hear the water turn off." Carly said apologetically sitting up and grabbing a nearby pillow to at least hold something against her body. She was pink in the face, her voice muffled sheepishly against the pillow, haphazardly covering her naked and sweating body.
"I didn't hear you either, water in my ears. I should have knocked." He said apologetically too. "I just didn't think that you'd be…" He trailed off, there just didn't seem to be an end to his sentence that would make this situation less awkward.
"Casually 100% percent naked and acting like a horn dog." Carly finished for him in her higher perky tone that came out during an awkward situation.
"Yeah… But we've all done that before," He said trying to sound casual as possible, even though his voice went up a full octave.
The awkward tension they felt relaxed considerably as both laughed.
Freddie found himself able to move again. "I forgot to take clothes from my bag with me into the bathroom and so I came back to get them, and obviously the water is still in my ears and that's why I couldn't hear you." He continued looking around but felt obligated not to look in her direction as a show of respect.
"I put your bag in my closet this afternoon while you were picking up Milicent from school," Carly said pointing in the direction of her closet.
Once Freddie had his bag he calmed down, feeling the need to apologize again. "Right, listen Carly I really am sorry, I just thought you would be getting ready for bed so I didn't think twice about coming in but now that I know that's something that you err like to do in your room…I'll try to be more careful."
Carly was surprised by her next words. "I haven't done that before, you know. Just now is the first time I've ever…I don't know what came over me." She saidefensively.
Freddie dropped his bag from surprise, the thump of it hitting the ground clearly heard in the silence that followed her words.
"You're serious?" He asked quietly.
She nodded turning bright red now, "You saw me," She said dryly. Did I look like I knew what I was doing…"
"I don't really think there is a wrong way as long as you feel satisfied." He reassured.
Carly felt compelled to explain what led her to her engaging in the private activity that Freddie accidentally interrupted. "I think drying my body with the hair dryer worked a little too well and I was feeling sexed up so I started to —what did you call it again?" She asked regretting that she never paid attention during sex-ed class.
"Masturbate." He said.
"See, that's what I was saying last night," She rolled her eyes, "sex words are stupid."
"No argument here." He agreed.
For some reason—likely because Freddie was her boyfriend and her best friend—telling him about this made her feel more comfortable. Carly shrugged feeling vulnerable, which ironically didn't have anything to do with being 100% naked. "I've never felt like a horn dog before, not enough to have to do something about it." She said shyly.
"Well, technically since you're a girl…and you know, a female dog is…." He waited hoping she would get his joke.
"Oh my god, you're right Freddie… Carly said putting her hand over her mouth. "I'm a horny bitch." She facepalmed.
They both burst out laughing for the first time since he accidentally walked in on her.
As they calmed down, he was apologetic. "Well I'm sorry I killed your mood, I'll make sure I knock from now on, okay." He said smiling at her before picking up his bag again.
Carly was overcome by Freddie again and she found a another urge was rapidly building inside of her, only this time it was something she wanted him to know.
"It was all you Freddie, you drive me so crazy, that I…had to do something about it." Carly blurted out with quiet affection and even more vulnerability.
Freddie dropped his bag for a second time. She saw him turn his head gaping at her in disbelief. There it was again that stupid look on his face, it was probably the only thing he did that made her mad. He grabbed his bag again.
"I uh… I am going to get dressed." He said nervously holding up his bag.
"Hey! We're sharing my room so why can't you change in front of me, your girlfriend?" She asked bluntly.
"I figured you would prefer privacy, I mean in case you weren't, you know…" He said awkwardly looking away from her.
"The moment has passed Benson, now I'm just mad." She said bluntly.
"Huh?" He asked blankly.
Carly threw the pillow aside getting off her bed and stood up, her annoyance rising to the point where she no longer cared that she was completely naked in front of him.
Despite being angry, Carly's voice didn't rise past stern. "We're not 13 anymore Freddie! There is no reason why you can't change in front of me, especially when you already have." Carly's next words cut right to the elephant in the room. "The only difference is that you accidentally walked in while I was masturbating, because of you and the way you make me feel Benson." She said seriously. "I was sympathetic and even felt guilty at first, but your stupid 'I can't believe Carly is my girlfriend' face is really starting to piss me off!"
"Carly, I'm sorry." He said calmly.
Carly's face softened. "I'm sorry, but I really need you to start taking my feelings seriously."
"Help me understand, and I'll get dressed in the meantime." He set his bag down yet again, this time grabbing boxers and a t-shirt, putting them on, and then sat on the edge of her bed, waiting for her, she exhaled as she sat down next to him .
"I'm not putting clothes on…" She said stubbornly.
"Okay, did I make you feel like you had to get dressed with something I said or did?" He asked blankly.
She was still angry. "That's part of it I guess, but it is all coming from the same problem. You don't believe in my feelings, you never have.
"With all our talking about the past, I thought we dealt with that already." Freddie said sure that they had.
Carly shook her head. "No, we haven't and if we don't it's going to ruin our dating each other. I know you want to take things slow and that doesn't bother me."
"But there is something that is bothering you so what's wrong Carly?" He asked sympathetically.
"What's wrong is that we're dating but we're also best friends that grew up together." Carly said subdued.
He was confused by her statement. "Isn't that supposed to be the best foundation for a romantic relationship and make everything easier?"
"It does for me, but not for you and that's the elephant in the room between us." She was sad now.
"Oh boy, it is my fault." He said guilty.
"No it's not— " Carly stopped herself. "Actually yes, it is, I can't make you believe in me Freddie.
"I do!" He insisted.
"No, you don't, not as your girlfriend and I am not going to be able to make that stop for you. Your still treating me as one or the other. I'm both now you dummy, we need to deal with this right away before my annoyance turns into resentment. She saw that he was looking anywhere but at her. "Look at me, Freddie!" She said sternly. "I tried to make our friendship something more twice and both times you turned it into an either-or scenario." She said affectionately.
"Sorry, I don't know what to do or say and I didn't expect to have a conversation like this when you are naked and I'm almost naked." He admitted dryly.
"You're on your own with that one, Benson. I have no issues with how much you see of my body." She said bluntly.
"Why?"
"Because Freddie—" Carly grabbed his hand and held it against her bare chest over heart. "You're my best friend." She said emotional but calm.
His eyes widened apologetically. "You're mine too, you have to know that I just— "
Carly put her left hand gently to his mouth. "Shhh…Of course, I know that I've always known that, but it also has a lot of negative thoughts feelings, mine have only ever been positive." She admitted softly. "The point is that I'm starting to realize that just because being best friends and growing up together makes it easier for me to be a couple and be vulnerable and intimate with you doesn't mean it's easier for you."
"I-I'm sorry…" He was unable to say anything else.
"Stop apologizing." Carly insisted gently. "You can't control the fact that the two of us growing up together, being best friends, but feeling like I would never love you; it all makes it harder for you to accept being boyfriend and girlfriend and everything that comes with it." She sighed, "I can't change our past, but I can affect our present and our future for the better." Carly couldn't help but feel over-emotional now. "I just had to say something because it makes me feel helpless, I wish I was going through the same thing you are but I'm not and it breaks my heart a little because it means that for the second time in our lives, I can't relate to what you are feeling." She held his face in both hands, total love in her eyes and complete honesty in the rest of her words. "Freddie, you need to know that nothing about being with you makes me uncomfortable."
"Not even my lunatic mother that is going marry our lunatic ex-doorman?" Freddie offered humorously hoping to cheer her up and help her stop crying.
Carly laughed. "I guess there is that." She admitted, drying her tears with a smile. She sniffed again feeling guilty. I'm so sorry Freddie." She sighed sadly.
"No, Keep doing exactly what're doing." He assured Carly.
"But I keep putting pressure on you." She said threw herself down on the bed, there was guilt all over her face.
Freddie stretched out to his back next to Carly on her bed. "No, I'm putting pressure on myself." He sighed in frustration. "Being your boyfriend is easy until something unexpected happens and then my brain just defaults to all the years I was in the friend zone and I don't even realize it." He closed his eyes a deep breath escaping him. The last thing I would ever want is for you to feel like you can't express yourself and have to bottle up your feelings so things are less awkward for me."
"That's why I brought it up, Freddie." She held his hand lacing their fingers together. "I just don't know how to help you get comfortable with the fact that I'm comfortable with so much that makes you uncomfortable about us being a couple. All I can do is tell you that it's not awkward for me to be completely naked in front of you or that you walked in on me while I was masturbating myself. Honestly, I was glad because I thought seeing me and my feelings raw would help you believe in me. Show you that I trust you with all of me: my heart, my heart, my body, my life and I just wish we were already on the same level." She said in apologetic exasperation.
Freddie shrugged. "Maybe I'm a prude."
Carly laughed. "I've been naked the entire time we've been having this conversation—that's definitely not your problem."
He shrugged again. "Maybe we should call my ex-wives, I'm sure they know what's wrong with me," Freddie said dryly.
Carly hit him softly on the head. "First nothing is wrong with you." She scolded sharply. "Second, you refuse to even bring up your first ex-wife by name—which I totally understand given she is to you what the goat is to me, and Gwen spends most of the year under the sea or on a boat where the only phone is for emergencies and somehow I don't think discussing intimacy struggles qualifies as an emergency." Carly finished dryly.
"It would be more awkward than both of my honeymoons put together." He agreed dully.
She looked at him curiously."I've been meaning to ask you, how close did you come to not being a virgin twice, because I've never had intercourse sex before, but I'm pretty sure that once you start doing it that's it."
"That is how it works, but that's just it I never started. The moment I saw them naked I knew that I couldn't go through with it." He said casually.
Carly raised an eyebrow. "Is that the same problem you're are having with me? Is it just a general naked thing because I don't mind adjusting to that." She assured quietly.
He laughed. "No I don't have a naked phobia. I wish I did, that could be fixed with exposure therapy and probably be gone already."
"Well then I don't understand because I've seen both your ex-wives and they are beautiful enough to lose your virginity with" She said rhetorically.
"Yeah they are, and believe me, the first one thought I was gay because I refused to have sex once we were naked." He recalled drylyly.
"And Gwen?" She asked.
"Thankfully, Gwen understood that it wasn't because I wasn't attracted to her." He said honestly.
"Well then it doesn't make any sense to me." Carly said in confusion.
Freddie's eyes were closed but he opened them, meeting Carly's. He held her face and his other hand found her hair. "It makes perfect sense to me no matter how silly it sounds to anyone else." He sighed emotionally. "Two different times in my life I was looking at two gorgeous, 100% naked women that I'd just married, but the only thing I could think about was having sex with you, Carly." He said seriously.
"But we never— Oh…" Comprehension slowly crossed her face. "You mean the first thing that popped into your head was me making love to you?"
He continued with increasing dramatic flair. "That was the second thing, the first thing I was picturing was what you looked like naked. My third thought was that both of my marriages would last less than a day if either of my new spouses heard me calling your name during sex. My last thought was what believable excuse I could come up with to stay a virgin."
"Okay now I'm very aware that I'm naked," Carly admitted in a very flattered voice blushing pink on her entire face. "I'm just going to throw on a robe and try to show restraint." She said seriously.
Carly also needed a few minutes to process the likely fact Gwen probably amicably divorced Freddie knowing all of this information but not saying anything because she didn't want to do what Sam had done after the taco truck incident… Gwen wasn't the type to insert herself into things that were not her business, something Carly appreciated now. Getting up and walking over to her dresser, she rummaged for a robe and tied it on, though not tightly, before rejoining Freddie on her bed, she was still in shock from his new admissions, especially about why he was still a virgin.
"Are you alright?" He asked uncertainly. "The last time you were this in shock was when Sam told us that she was joining The Obliterators." Freddie knew that when it came to Carly, prolonged silences meant she felt emotionally blindsided as she had then.
Carly met his eyes seriously. "I'm starting to wonder if it's best if we just…" She was quickly at a loss for words again.
"Have sex right now." He said just as seriously.
"Yeah," She showed visible relief that they were thinking the same thing. Then she continued uncertainly. "I mean if you are not ready I don't want you to feel pressured, but I guess I just feel like trying to take things slow is actually making things worse between us." For the first time since their now long-winded conversation started, Carly was a little nervous.
"You're not wrong." Freddie agreed. Then he put his arms around her neck and confessed. "I was in the shower thinking about the fact that you are my girlfriend and I was so happy that I cried." He said quietly, trying to stop himself from crying again.
Carly fell apart abruptly crying on the spot, though it was still dignified. "Nice going Benson," She sniffed softly. "How am I supposed to hold it together when you say things like that."
"Well if it helps I cried after I masturbated while I was imaging us showering together." He said shyly, hoping she would find this information humorous.
She giggled. "Oh so that's how you got distracted and forgot to knock, that makes sense." She patted his chest affectionately. She leaned against his chest sighing. "Wait…" Suddenly she was staring up at Freddie with a 'not so fast mister' look on her face. "You saw me 100% naked," "I think it's only fair that nothing is left to my imagination too!" She said mischievously.
Freddie raised an eyebrow. "That was an accident!" He giggled defensively.
Carly hopped off the bed folding her arms eying him expectantly. "So not the point, not only was I 100% naked but I was in the middle of masturbating when you opened the door so I think you owe me a good long look under your hood—come on off with your clothes."
"Oh, that's mature. I'm going to go brush my teeth while you remember that we're almost 30—not 13." He chuckled rolling his eyes at her.
Freddie turned to leave but like always Carly anticipated his attempt to get away, going after his toothbrush. "Hey give that back." He couldn't take her seriously while she was acting so juvenile.
"Not until you're 100% naked Benson…" She insisted bluntly."Or I'll use your toothbrush."
"So what? I'm not afraid of germs like my mom is…" He crossed his arms triumphantly.
Carly was calm but there was a mischievous glint in her eyes. "It's an electric toothbrush, Freddie." She reminded him with a rhetorical smile.
"What does that— " Freddie narrowed his eyes in comprehension, when she untied her robe as. "Carly Shay, you wouldn't!" He whispered scandalously.
Carly turned on his toothbrush. "5…4…3…2…" She threatened slowly, her hand eventually stopping just before her genitals.
"You win." He said abruptly, Carly was triumphant.
They moved cautiously towards each other, and she stopped holding his toothbrush like a weapon to be used against him in their little cat-and-mouse game as he put it back in his bag.
"Smart move Benson…" She said softly, walking back to him, Carly was soon close enough for him to take off her robe completely.
Freddie pulled her close looking lustfully at her. "You play the good girl very well but deep down you are frisky, maybe even a little dirty-minded." He told her in a husky voice.
"That's what happens when I find out things like the intimate detail that, on both your wedding nights, I was the only thing that you were thinking about." Carly's eyes darkened with passion. "I never expected that you would still be a virgin, but finding out that I mean so much to you that there is no other girl you want to sleep with, well that's a whole other level of flattering."
"That's all true." He said seriously.
She was breathing low and fast now. "I know, and that's how you created a monster in me, Freddie Benson…"
"Carly…" He said quietly.
"Freddie." She said anxiously.
"I treated my first kiss like it was just a thing to get over and done with, I don't want to make the same mistake with sex, and you… You are too important to me." He said hopefully.
Carly held his face. "You want to wait." She asked calmly, already knowing the answer.
He nodded looking serious. "I want it to happen naturally, not because I accidentally walked in while you were…you know…"
"That does feel like cheating." Carly admitted, clearly agreeing. "Okay," She kissed him tenderly.
"Are you sure? You were mad earlier." He reminded her.
"Silly Freddie," She giggled. She shook her head. "I was annoyed because you still have a habit of forgetting that I'm your girlfriend now and I want to be with you. I know why it's happening but that doesn't mean that I'm going to let you keep acting like it's 2007." She looked at Freddie seriously. "We've talked about this, we can be boyfriend and girlfriend but you gotta get over the years I didn't like you back." Carly got struck with a sense of reverse déjà vu.
"I'm not over it yet, but don't give up on me." He pleaded quietly.
"Never, I believe in you and trust you, now you just have to believe in yourself too. That will be when you permanently believe in me as your girlfriend." Carly insisted reassuringly. "Then you won't even be able to remember a time when I was anything less than head over heels for you." She couldn't keep the emotional weight out of her voice.
"Thank you, Carly." Freddie hugged her and a long relief escaped him. "Without your bravery to shed light on my mistakes I would be a lesser man, a lesser person."
"Freddie… You are the best person." She said softly.
Carly had been worried that talking to Freddie about his childhood hangups from being friend zoned would cause him to become distant and he would shut down but the fact that he genuinely appreciated it made such a lengthy, difficult conversation worth it. It also gave Carly the confidence to try suggesting further physical intimacy.
After the hug, Carly looked up at him hopefully. "How would you feel about going to sleep 100% naked, both of us together, not sex…just holding each other." She asked in a whisper, but it was her next words that came out longingly. "I need to know what your bare body feels like against mine."
There it was…the truth that she was starving for greater intimacy with the man that was simultaneously her boyfriend and best friend. Her words came from this desperate longing that was driving her crazy and it was why she held her breath waiting to find out if he was comfortable with her suggestion…
Freddie considered her for a long moment. "I would like that." He said affectionately, he heard her stifle a small sob in relief. "Carly…" He whispered hoping to steady her.
She was looking anxiously at him, her voice caught between emotional exasperation and panic, all showing on her face. "I feel like I can't control my feelings for you, and I was scared of how you would react if I said I wanted— " She fell in to his chest distraught.
"Shhhh Carly… It's okay." Freddie whispered sympathetically, which immediately helped Carly calm down.
"I'm sorry I'm not used to wanting or needing anyone as much as this, it's like I have Freddie pox all over and I have to scratch the itch." She whined nervously.
"That explains what you were doing when I walked in here." He offered cheekily.
"Freddie!" She burst out laughing and then just as suddenly started crying. "You're driving me crazy…" She sniffed. "Did I laugh at you when you were following me around like a puppy!"
"No, you didn't." He sighed apologetically. "I keep forgetting that for you there are sexual and emotional feelings here that are much more intense than my crush back then! It's not fair to you." He kissed the top of her head apologetically.
"I hate the pressure I'm putting on you." She said softly.
"Hey, I can sure as hell try harder and that starts now because you deserve it." He said with conviction.
She needed to assure Freddie. "We don't have to have— "
"I know, sex has nothing to do with it." He began running his hands through her hair. "Your living in the moment and I'm still hung up on the past. The fact is that it's time for me to pull my weight because you have shown me in small but meaningful ways that you wanted me since we were 5 years old and now after all these years that's evolved into something more special than I ever truly appreciated until now so know that what you want, I want too, no matter what." He said seriously.
"Oh Freddie…" Carly slowly sang out. "My heart has come alive now… Opened up a whole new world… I only want to show you… what it's like to love this girl…"
"That's our song…" He said smiling. "You have such a beautiful voice, Carly." Freddie was always mesmerized by her singing voice.
"You are you know, meant for me." Those lyrics, that part of the song seemed especially appropriate right now.
They kissed calmly and intimately, Freddie's hands stayed in Carly's hair while her hands moved slowly to the bottom of his shirt, brushing his bare skin as she held the fabric in them. Freddie raised his arms while she lifted it off over his head and tossed it to the floor.
"Oooh… so muscular, I am going to enjoy getting putting my hands all over your back and your front too." She said eagerly.
They started kissing yet again and Carly was true to her words, each time her fingers found a muscle she would squeeze it for a moment. She continued for a while as she charted every inch of his surprisingly toned back until they needed to breathe again.
"Freddie…I think I'll start calling you Mr. Muscles." She said playfully.
"I have been getting in decent shape. I'm probably still too scrawny to get in a fight but I do look good." He said thoughtfully.
"You look hot!" She corrected Freddie, putting eager emphasis on the last word, teasing his chin with her fingers, enjoying the soft clean shaved feel of his skin there.
Without a word Carly grabbed Freddie by a hand and led him just as she had so many times in there youth. It didn't feel weird that she was naked or that they were about to share her bed that way. It wasn't weird when she turned around and watched Freddie taking off his boxers, all their clothes now lay forgotten on the floor. They thoroughly looked one another up and down, coming to the realization that there was nothing left to their imagination about one another's body.
Carly broke the silence first. "So Mr. Muscles…how do I look compared to what you pictured on your wedding night when you were supposed to be thinking about your ex-wives, but pictured me instead?" She asked blushing eagerly.
"The real you is way better than anything that was ever in my head, Carly." He said softly. Carly stopped breathing at his words and her knees buckled far more severely than last time she had been so moved by his words, luckily he caught her in his arms. "Whoa there!"
"Yeah…Whoa…" She said slowly most of the blood usually in her brain now between her legs. "It's happening again, this is what you do to me Freddie Benson and I don't know how to control the way you make feel." Her voice breathy.
"Can I help?" He asked, supporting Carly as she regained her footing.
Carly chuckled. "Short of keeping all of your incredibly sweet words about me to yourself I don't think so…"
"I'll just make sure that I catch you every time." He insisted with a reassuring smile.
"Is this what it was like for you when we were kids? If so then I hate that I never understood the pain you were in back then." She said empathetically.
"I can't imagine coming into my feelings as an adult like you have, Carly, you are way more important than trying to have some perfect first time together." He was quite worried now.
"No, you matter too Freddie, we're not doing it just because that's what my body wants, I don't care how much of a horny dog—or rather a horny bitch…I am lately." Carly said with a shameful smile.
"Alright, but before something else I say makes you collapse again." He picked her up and down sat on the bed with her.
"I just wish I could hold you in my arms the way you hold me, I know it's silly, but that's all I want lately." She said quietly.
"Well, if you snuggled in behind me, then it's still like you're holding me." He said thoughtfully.
Carly exhaled deeply. "I would love that, I've seen it in a lot of rom-com." She smiled gratefully.
"How about that's our next date night?" He offered cheerfully.
"That sounds fun," Carly said thoughtfully.
"Yeah," He chuckled too, then sighed. "Carls without your willingness to have these conversations, it would all fester."
"Like Italy did." She said calmly.
"Yeah, so I don't care how many times we have to have a long talk or how redundant something might feel, it's worth dealing with. It'll make us better people. After tonight I know myself way better now." He said seriously.
"Yeah, your right…" She said calmly.
Both of them were ready for bed and so Freddie laid Carly down on her bed smiling at her with deep affection.
"I'm just going to go brush my teeth." He said softly.
Carly told him suddenly blushing. "I wasn't actually going to do it you know. Use your toothbrush on my lady parts, I was just teasing you." She admitted with a grin.
He shook his head with amusement. "I would have just bought a new toothbrush if you had."
"You would have boiled it. You're still your mother's son, even when you don't think you are, that's why you showered after being caught in the rain." She giggled.
"You know me better than I know myself." He admitted smiling at her.
"Thank you for such candor Good Sirrah, I shall wait until you return from getting ready to turn in for the night." She said spontaneously using the old English accent, standing up on her bed and curtsying at him with a loving smile as he left her room.
"I shall return momentarily milady." He said bowing to her.
Carly's mind stayed occupied with the image of Freddie wearing nothing, that it came from reality rather than fantasy was incredibly satisfying, especially because she could so vividly see it, to the point that a large smile came over her face.
After a few minutes, she heard Freddie whisper in her ear. "What are you thinking about?"
"You're always on my mind Freddie," Carly said, she pulled him gently to lay down with her. "You've always been my safe place." Carly closed her eyes feeling ashamed. "Maybe that's why I got mad." She rolled over snuggling right up against Freddie and wrapped her arms around him from behind, quite emotional but not crying this time. "I was never going to be okay with you feeling like it's wrong to treat me as a girlfriend now, and I was honestly very angry at the idea that you might not feel safe with me because no matter what we've been to each other over our lives, I have always felt safe in your arms." It was a loving but blunt declaration.
Freddie squeezed her hands affectionately. "That's why I'm glad that you told me, I'm glad you didn't hold back on how much being my best friend makes being my girlfriend—being together as a couple better for you because I needed to hear it all." He brought one of her hand to his lips for a lingering kiss.
"Yeah, but it would be nice to get through an evening without things going wrong or having a lot of emotional conversations, I'm starting to feel cursed for more than just my birthday." She sighed subdued.
"It's just been a long night baby, but I'm right here Carly." He said calmly.
"I could get used to being your baby." She told him tenderly, letting it wash over her.
"As long as we're still Carly and Freddie the details don't matter." He said certain of that from all they talked about tonight.
"It's Freddie and Carly she corrected softly.
That was the truth of it, it was amazing how despite knowing each other since they met in that park at 5 years old. Being classmates and neighbors since 11 and then being together icarly since 13, only now in their late twenties did they truly understand what their relationship meant to each other. Freddie was carried into sleep first this night. Carly, lost in watching him sleep came to a realization that she had been dealing with for some time now.
"I love you, Freddie, I am hopelessly, obsessively in love with you." She said to herself in barely above a whisper.
Carly hadn't been certain all those years ago, but she was certain now and would find the right time to tell Freddie those words—words that he had longed to hear since they were kids… Those thoughts carried her off to a peaceful sleep holding the the man she loved in her arms, It made her glad she found the courage to have such vulnerable conversations with him. Sex would be amazing when they finally had it, but somehow his bare body warm against hers was even more special to her.
A/N: That was a long chapter. The most we know of Creddie before the start of the original Icarly is that Freddie and his Mom moved across the hall in 2005 two years before then, it feels like they have known each other much longer than the show tells us on screen. I wanted to create further backstory a meet-cute of little Carly and little Freddie. I picked September 8 for the flashback because it is the day the first-ever episode aired.
Speaking of Freddie, I needed to deal with his perspective on their friendship and how that affects his psyche (past and present) and behavior. Carly has a very clear picture of her friendship with Freddie, it has never been any less meaningful that they were always friends. That just isn't the case for Freddie as much as he wants it to be true. This chapter explores the disconnect resulting from Carly having to deal with an overflow of newly positive emotional and sexual feelings while she sees Freddie struggle to let go of the negative emotions surrounding their friendship. The idea is that Carly can tell that he is trying to be two separate people, her best friend and her boyfriend are fighting each other and the heart of this chapter is resolving that issue.
They haven't had sex yet but they will, don't worry about it. I give a little more context to Freddie being a virgin, I don't regret the decision. I got into it with a guest reviewer over on A03 because they thought it ridiculous that I made either of them virgins. If people feel that way it's your opinion but Freddie goes completely against the Barney Stinson archetype and thus I think it's perfectly reasonable that his emotions regret would overrule any temporary satisfaction he might have gotten from having sex with anyone other than Carly. Being that it is ambiguous if either character even had sex before having it with each other off-screen I am perfectly within my right to decide that they haven't. Besides, I think it doesn't fit either to treat sex as just physical, it's emotional too and that wins out for me in the end.
The next chapter will definitely be light and fun, I need a break from all the heavy emotional conversations.