CHAPTER FIVE
(BPOV)
Jacob didn't let go for a long time, his embrace was tight and bordering desperate as we hugged there in the drive for the first time since we'd danced at the wedding.
Charlie cleared his throat awkwardly and we reluctantly broke apart then.
"How about we get you settled in?" Rene offered, and Jacob merely nodded to her in acknowledgement, his rich dark eyes now glossy with his firm swallow.
I didn't bother to try and stem my own emotions. There was no point in it for me. I was beyond touched to see him again and I didn't care that our parents saw it.
Charlie took his bags and helped escort Billy into the house with my mother trailing behind them.
"Let's give these two another minute guys. What do you say I get busy putting these bags in our guest room and fixing you both a big plate of our lasagna dinner?" She offered, with a subtle wink my way.
"That sounds wonderful, Ren. I'm sure hungry." Billy replied.
"Me too." Charlie added.
We watched them disappear inside, their banter and laughter echoing out behind them as they went along. You could already tell how happy they were to be all together again and it made me smile after them.
Jacob noticed this and lightly touched my chin with the backs of his fingers.
"I haven't seen you smile like that since before-..." He hesitantly began.
"It's been a long while- yeah..." I admitted.
"You're still you." He sighed in evident relief.
"-and you're still you." I countered, reaching up to touch the end of his ponytail that barely grazed his right mid-shoulder. "It's long again."
"Yeah, I grew it out. Harder to maintain, but still-"
"I love it." I told him.
"You always did." He chuckled, that warm, infectious, throaty laugh of his. The very sound of it covering me like a blanket on a cold rainy day, and soothing me in ways I couldn't put words to.
"I haven't cut mine in almost three years now." I huffed in somewhat of annoyance. "It's the longest it's ever been."
"It's beautiful." He replied, his tone full of sincerity. "You look great. Healthy...-happy."
"Yeah, well, that's all Renee's fault." I lightly teased. "She has us on this high protein diet, and we jog every morning. It's insanity really. I swear she's gonna end up being the death of me with it all."
"You run now?" Jacob scoffed in disbelief. "Never really pictured you to be much of a runner."
"Believe me, I'm not." I laughed. "Not at all, but it does do something for mental clarity so."
"Well, there's always that. Being unclear can be maddening."
"Yeah, it can...- but I'm crystal clear now." I affirmed, noting the change in his lighthearted features from my words, his gaze wondering to my left hand before holding my own again. I had already looked for a band adorning his left hand, but there was none to be found.
"How long?" He asked.
"Three years in September."
A mixture of relief and hurt crossed his face then, but he quickly erased any trace of it with the mask I knew he'd come to master from being part of the pack now for as long as he had.
"Does Renee know? Everything?"
"She knows what she needs to. I still protect her from what I feel she doesn't."
"...-and who's been protecting you?" He pointedly hedged.
"Just me." I admitted.
"All this time?" He sighed in question.
"Yeah, I've been okay so far. Turns out I'm a lot less breakable on my own than I thought."
"I always knew you were." Jacob stated. "I just couldn't make you see it for yourself in time."
"You tried. More times than most would have I think."
The sound of the screen door opening temporarily paused our conversation as Renee waved to us.
"Hey guys, dinner is all plated and ready. We're just waiting for you to join us." She hinted.
"We'll be right in, mom." I told her.
She nodded and ducked back inside with an understanding smirk.
Jacob looked around at the beach house and then out toward the ocean waves, taking a deep inhale of the salty air around us.
"This place reminds me so much of First Beach." He observed.
"Yeah, it does. A lot of similarities, but our driftwood isn't here."
"We'll have to go look for one to claim as ours after dinner? Has to be one hiding somewhere, right?" He hedged, his grin as charming as it ever was.
"Has to be." I nodded, pointing toward the house. "Ready for dinner?"
"Sure, Sure."
"Still have as much of an appetite as before or has that changed?"
"For your cooking? Always! That'll never change." He chuckled.
"Flattery will get you everywhere with the chef."
"That's my hope anyway." He sighed, placing his hand on the small of my back as we headed into the house.
"That's a good thing to hope for." I replied, with a backwards glance his way.
He smiled at me and for the first time in nearly three years, I felt like a piece of myself that was missing had been put back where it belonged, like an empty space in me had been filled, and all it took was his smile.
Charlie and Billy Raved about the lasagna, each of them having two portions, but it failed miserably in comparison to Jacobs four plates and three rolls. My mother looked completely astonished when he politely asked her if he could get another helping.
"Of course you can, Jake! My gosh where do you put it all!? No wonder you're as tall as you are and built like a lumberjack!" She laughed. "Billy, how in the world do you keep food in your house back home?"
"Oh, believe me, it's been a challenge sometimes, but thankfully we have a few wonderful cooks on the Reservation. Sue Clearwater and Emily Uley bring over their fair share of leftovers to us. They know Jacobs appetite and that helps a lot." Billy told her.
"Well, I'm glad you have the help cause wow." Renee mused. "Good thing we made as much as we did!"
"Yeah, good thing." Charlie agreed, taking another roll. "Man, I've missed these home made rolls. Your mothers recipe right?"
"Oh yes, the one and only." Renee replied. "Been ages since I made them and Bella here was a big help too."
"Just as good as I remember them being." Charlie complimented.
"Yes, this meal is delicious!" Billy added. "Fine dining beach side with the best company. What more could you need?"
I was content to simply eat and observe the chatter around the table, my heart warm and my smile genuine when Jacob sat back down beside me with his final plate, his hand briefly resting on my knee under the table with a light squeeze.
"Been forever since I've had your lasagna. Forgot how much I missed it." He managed in between bites. "It's awesome."
I blushed furiously at his compliment and caught my mother eyeing the two of us with an undeniable sparkle in her eye. One that I knew meant trouble somehow. Her wheels were turning and I didn't even want to think about what that meant for their visit here. My mother was a hopeless romantic and stubbornly determined when she wanted to be.
"So, tell me, what does Florida have to offer?" Charlie asked, pouring himself another glass of tea.
"Oh, there's so much here. I mean, where do I start?" Renee replied. "There's shops in town of course, and the beaches are just exquisite. Not too mention, the fine dining!"
"Finer than this?" Jacob questioned. "I highly doubt that."
His gaze met mine with another sincere grin and I couldn't pry my eyes from his. The lingering stare carrying on long enough between us to make Charlie speak up to change the topic.
"You'll have to tell me all about it over dessert?"
"We made more than enough cookies! Help yourself! There's also a fresh pot of coffee brewing in the sunroom if anyone wants a cup? It's just lovely out there after sunset."
"That sounds great, Ren." Billy offered up, his glance toward Jacob and I not going unnoticed by either of us. "I could really use some down time after our trip in today."
Renee got busy cleaning up the table and Jacob was quick to offer a hand with the dishes when he saw me filling the sink.
"You wash and I dry?" He prompted, grabbing the hand towel from the counter.
"That would be great."
I lifted my sleeves and felt my charm bracelet slide steadily down my right wrist, the clasp accidentally coming free in my hurry to start in on the dishes. Jacob caught it before it slipped into the sudsy water below, his fingers delicately lifting it and pausing when he saw the wolf charm still there.
"You-... kept this?" He asked, his low tone not as steady as it was mere moments ago. "I thought-... I thought maybe you-"
I carefully took it back from him, noticing the slight tremble in his outstretched hand as the bracelet fell into my palm.
"Of course-... Of course I kept it. Always...- that charm you made me- it's helped me through some really hard times. I would never get rid of it." I truthfully told him.
"No diamond?" He softly inquired, taking the first of many wet dishes from me and towel drying them.
"No diamond. Crystal clear, remember?"
He nodded with another firm swallow, his brief silence now loud and uncomfortable between us.
When the dishes were finished, I reached for his hand, a move that was bold, even for me.
"Come with me...-please?" I whispered. "I have so much I have to tell you- that I want to tell you, Jake."
"Okay." He agreed, following me out of the house.
"Where are you two headed?" Charlie asked. "You're not having dessert?"
"We'll be back, dad. Just showing Jacob the beach. It's nice at night. Save some cookies for us." I teased.
Jacob didn't even notice the cookies, his face full of a tangible anxiety that I could feel coming off him in waves as we headed for the sand.
A sense of Deja' Vu made me pause mid way down the shore line, the wind blowing the salty air that touched our skin as I recalled a moment like this very one. After I learned what Jacob was, knew what he was built for, and how it would change everything between us.
That felt like a lifetime ago. I'd give anything to go back.
"This feels oddly familiar. Different place. Different time. But familiar." Jacob noted.
"Yeah, it does."
He pointed to the single piece of small driftwood not far from us, the moonlights glow highlighting it, as if it was made for us tonight.
"Good as any, huh?" He sighed, gesturing for me to sit before he did. "Not ours, but close enough."
"Close enough." I readily agreed, taking my place there and looking out at the crashing waves. "I don't know where to start."
Jacob sat next to me, his shoulder brushing mine with his reply.
"Start wherever you want to, honey. I'm listening. Take your time. There's no big hurry."
His term of endearment came out so easy that I couldn't help but turn my head in his direction, the sound of it making my heart race even more.
"Everything you said was right. Everything. Edwards world and mine-...just never belonged together. I didn't fit there. I couldn't become like him and face the finality of being permanently separated from my family...-my friends...-you."
"You say that like I'm not either of those anymore? Is that where we are?" He worriedly asked.
"No,-...no, I say that because you're a whole other category. All on your own. You're more than my friend. You're more than my family. You're-... my Jacob."
He didn't take his eyes from mine and I saw the emotion return to them from my reply.
"Do you know how long it's been since I've heard you say that, Bells?" He forced out, his voice strained on the last few words.
"About as long as it's been since I've heard you call me 'honey or Bells'...-I didn't think you'd ever wanna see me again. Not after-"
He shook his head, a lone tear rolling down his cheek with his words to me now.
"I missed you. Every single day. There wasn't a night that went by when I didn't think of you. Imagining the worst. The absolute worst. That you were- like him. One of them. Cold and not my Bells anymore, but some altered and dead version of what he'd turned you into." He forced out, gripping his chest, as if it physically caused him pain from the idea of it. "...-or worse, that you were somehow in trouble and needed me, and I wasn't there."
"I needed myself. To find who I was. Without him." I clarified.
"What happened?" He inquired, reaching down and retaking my hand as effortlessly as he always had.
As. Easy. As. Breathing.
I drew in a deep breath and started at the only place I could.
"After the wedding, I found out I was pregnant." I slowly began. The rigidness in his body was immediate and his grip on my hand tightened but he didn't speak. He continued to listen. "My body was too weak to support the pregnancy. We weren't compatible. In the end, Carlisle thought it was best that I terminate before it killed me. In the first five weeks, I had dropped significant weight. Could hardly walk on my own. It was like, the life was being stolen from me, day by day. After Carlisle terminated, I was sick for six months. Had to have regular doctor appointments, in and out of the hospital, blood infusions regularly. My body was just spent, but little by little, I got better. Regained my strength and put the weight back on and then some. I tried to figure out how to make it work at first, but the longer we were together, the more apparent it was that I had no place in that world with the Cullens. Edward wasn't the same after the pregnancy. I filed for divorce that next year and he let me go. Told me he knew we needed more than we could offer each other. He even told me to go back to Washington. Back to what made me happy and myself. I just needed more time."
Jacob face looked truly ashen, his normal rich russet skin tone now a sickly ghost like color, and his eyes wide with both shock and what could only be described as horror. His skin felt heated and he struggled to maintain his composure the best he could.
I released his hand as he stood and drew in a few steadying breaths, his stance so heated that I stood and moved back a few steps, afraid that if his tremors showed, he wouldn't be able to control them.
He heard my movements and blindly reached behind him for my hand again.
"Don't go, I'm okay. Promise. I just need a minute."
"Okay."
"Can you answer me one thing? Please?" He asked.
"Anything...-ask me."
"Were you gonna try and carry to term? Was that a thought in your mind then? When you found out you were pregnant?"
The desperation in his tone made me know that he needed to know the answer to this question for his own sanity sake and I gave it willingly.
"No, Jacob. That thought didn't cross my mind. I was scared for my life. I was scared that I'd die before I could ever carry to full term. Carlisle told me my heart wouldn't take it and that even if I chose to try, the venom may not save me in the end. My body wasn't built for that world." I tearfully admitted. "It just wasn't."
He heard my emotion and turned back to face me.
"You were never meant for that world, Bella. For him. You weren't."
"I know. I think part of me always knew. I just didn't want to admit it. Who does that?"
"No-..."
"I was blind and-" I continued.
"No, Bells-..."
"I mean how stupid was it to think I could actually leave everything and everyone behind like that." I half cried. "I should have listened to you-"
"Everything about him was meant to draw you in and it did. He knew what he was doing." Jacob countered, reaching for me and cradling my face in his warm hands. "It's what they do. What their made for."
"But I knew that. He told me as much and I didn't care about myself enough to stop. To see him for what he was."
"But you did see it. Even if it was late. You did see it and you made the right choice in the end."
"Choices have consequences. Bad ones anyway."
"What do you mean? What-..." Jacob implored.
"Moving here with mom, it gave me a new start. A new chance to just be me. Find who I was."
"-and did you?" He questioned.
"I don't even know. Truth is, I've tried, but I still don't know where I belong or what I'm meant for."
"You were meant for me."
A/N: Thanks for reading and for your reviews!