Powers That Be Laura Powers babysits again. Bart has some weird visions involving Indiana Jones films when he finds Laura is dating Jimbo.
Plot
Simpsons house
Bart is watching Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. However Marge doesn't approve when the face melting scene happens.
(Screaming)
"Cooooool!" said Oscar.
"Leaping lizards! Bart, what rating is this movie?!" Marge gasps as Toht's face melts off.
"Leaping lizards!" Miss Hannigan from Annie rudely mimicked her.
"Mom it's only a PG." Bart explained. Marge looked at the video cover.
"Hrrrrrm! I'm writing to George Lucas, I think that's a mistake!" Marge grumbled.
Bart winced at his mom's behaviour.
Oscar was making demented noises as the Ark ghosts flew about and holy lasers killed the Nazis for looking at the Ark.
"Shut your eyes Marion! Don't look at it!"
"Coooool! His head exploded!" said Oscar.
Marge seethed.
"Elisha called upon bears to maul kids for laughing at him, in the bible. King David slept with someone else's wife..." said Oscar.
Marge left them to watch Indiana Jones.
"This is inspiring me to write another script for my alter ego Bart Fink, The part ring-tailed roarer, Part alligator and part snapping turtle." said Bart.
Oscar winced at him. "That's just ridiculous..."
"Okay fine, You come up with a copyright free expy of Indiana Jones..." said Bart.
"I have. He's called Jackhammer Machine gun..." said Oscar.
"Okay..." Bart winced.
"He's the half-elf illegitimate son of Shoeless Joe Jackson..." said Oscar.
Bart grimaced. He got up and headed out to the yard.
Outside in the fresh air he climbed up the oak his treehouse was built in. Comics were strewn across the floor.
"So many comic books. So little time..." He sighed as he picked up a Radioactive Man comic.
...
One night Homer is putting the boys (Bart and Hugo) to bed. Homer wasn't good at being soft and motherly like Marge.
"Um, how about a hug?" Homer asked. However Bart had a horrible vision of him with a melting face like Brother from the same planet. "Now how bout a huuuuug?" said the frightening ghoul.
"Nyaaaaaaaaaaagh!" Bart screamed.
"Uh okay,,," said Homer.
Marge was concerned Bart was having visions of Homer melting into a frightening ghoul again.
"That face melting ghoul was just freaky Matt..." said Oscar.
Bart's room.
Bart was sleeping. But then he quietly woke up and noticed Hugo was fast asleep. He smirked and squeezed out a loud smelly fart in the bed then stuffed Hugo under the covers. "Dutch oven!"
Hugo yelled struggling under the covers.
Bart laughed.
"Bart I do not wish to get familiar with the stench of your colon!" Hugo yelled.
"So many big, nerdy words..." Bart sighed and yawned.
"In stupid terms, your gut..." Hugo sighed as he tried to sleep.
Bart sighed and grunted as he forced out another fart.
The next day. Bart was hurling a frisbee, indoors. The lounge to be exact.
"Bart, play with that outside. You might break something..." said Lisa reading a book.
Bart scoffed. However the next throw was entirely off target as the frisbee spun towards a vase on a small table adjacent to the couch. It knocked the vessel over and it shattered. "Oops..."
"Bart!" Marge yelled.
"I wasn't me!" Bart quickly defended himself.
"Oh great he's using the Shaggy defence..." Homer sighed.
"Like zoinks! Let's get outta here Scoob!" said Oscar impersonating Shaggy Rogers from Scooby Doo.
"No Oz! Shaggy, the rapper..." said Batt.
"I am not familiar with his music..." said Oscar.
Marge sighed annoyed and vexed as she muttered while sweeping up the shards that were all once a vase.
"And vase rhymes with stars! Not haze!" Oscar snapped.
"It does in America..." said Bart.
...
One evening Marge and Homer were going out. They hired Laura to look after the kids.
"No more Indiana Jones films Bart if you're having hallucinations." Marge told him. Bart sighed as she kissed him good night.
"And you kids be good for me while we're gone!" said Marge.
"Yes Mom..." said the kids.
"I'm sure they will Mrs Simpson." said Laura. "I just got back from babysitting for the Wiggums."
At the Wiggums, Clancy was cross with Ralph.
"If mommy's purse didn't belong in the microwave, why did it fit?" Ralph asked innocently. I can only imagine the hilarious consequences of that incident...
Clancy face palmed.
After Marge and Homer left. Bart gave himself a bath just to impress Laura because he fancied her.
"Hehehehe! Bart are you just having a bath because you fancy Laura?!" Lisa giggled as she watched him bathe? Oh my god!
"No a fella has to keep himself yellow sometimes." said Bart aware he's is bright yellow. He was scrubbing himself clean in the bath.
Lisa made kissy faces at him.
Bart reveals he has made his hand dirty again with spit and bubble gum. Lisa screams as he hops out of the bath, wet and naked and runs after her.
Laura sees this.
"Well that just looks unpleasant..." she groaned seeing Bart nude.
Later Bart is wearing his dressing gown and "smoking" his bubble pipe pretending to be Hugh Hefner again.
"Mom said no Hugh Hefner impressions..." Lisa sighed.
Bart ignored her and blew bubblers with his bubble pipe.
Laura being an engaging babysitter and not just reading a book while the kids kill each other, found an activity for everyone including herself to do. Dancing with the radio playing Cher.
Lisa and Maggie were enthusiastic to dance. Bart didn't want to.
"Bart, some of your biggest heroes are dancers. Krusty was on Dancing with the Stars until a panel of experts determined he wasn't a star." said Lisa.
"Was that panel of experts, astrophysicists?" Hugo asked squinting.
"No Hugo..." said Lisa.
"Then they are not qualified to determine if Krusty is an extremely massive, burning ball of gas..." Hugo ranted. "Particularly hydrogen and helium..."
Lisa winced exasperated. "He um gets like this a lot, Laura..."
While watching TV the door rang. It was Jimbo Jones!
"Ay carumba! Why is Jimbo here?" Bart asked.
"We're going out, silly!" Laura explained.
Bart didn't like that, firstly because Jimbo was one of his bullies and he didn't want Jimbo hanging around him more than usual. And secondly Bart secretly had a crush on Laura.
Lisa made kissy faces at Bart.
"THE HAAAAND!" Bart showed his dirty gum covered hand at her.
Lisa screamed and fled.
That evening he was hanging about in his treehouse mooching about when Laura climbed up the ladder to tell him to come inside as it was his bed time. She was dressed up nicely in a red dress and wearing lipstick.
"Bart, I have some good news. Jimbo is now officially my boyfriend!" said Laura.
Bart is horrified. He has another horrible vision. He is in a dark void with Laura.
"Looks like you won't be needing this!" said Laura ripping out his heart. Kali ma shakti de! Kali maaaaa!
She then threw his heart at a wall. It slid down the wall and fell into a bin.
"Ok I really have to stop watching Indiana Jones movies! I think they're screwing with my brain!" Bart sighed to himself.
"What was that?" Laura asked. "Never mind. It's time for bed kiddo. Come on, if you're good I might read you a bed time story."
Bart rolled his eyes and followed her down the ladder.
Inside Jimbo was teasing Bart.
"Oh is it beddy byes for widdle Barty already?" Jimbo taunted.
Bart pulled a face at him as he went upstairs.
"Jimbo don't be mean. He's just a kid." Laura chastised her boyfriend.
Jimbo scoffed.
Bart sighed as he changed into his pyjamas.
...
Sometime after Laura put him to bed, Bart snuck downstairs. Laura was too busy watching a romantic movie with Jimbo. Jimbo's idea of a romantic movie was Space Mutants. (one of the numerous sequels probably.)
Laura was grossed out by the film.
Jimbo tried the put his arm round her shoulders trick. "Come on babe, slip me some tongue..."
Laura was repulsed by him.
Bart went to the kitchen and rang up Moe's tavern to prank him.
"Moe's tavern here." said Moe.
"Is Mike Rotch there?" (My crotch)
"Hold on a sec. Mike Rotch? Is there a Mike Rotch there? Hey everybody! Has anyone seen Mike Rotch?" Moe asked his local customers.
Everyone laughed loudly. "No and we don't want to!" Barney said laughing.
"Why you! When I find out who you are I'm gonna pull out your entrails and stuff starving dogs up your butt!" Moe said down the phone.
Bart had an idea. "Yes, I'm Jimbo Jones and I live at 742 Evergreen Terrace!"
"Ah ha! Now I have you punk!" Moe said smugly. "Big mistake pal!" Moe took out a huge knife. (Still not as big as Hans Moleman's though.)
"Barney, while I'm gone don't you drink from the taps!" Moe warned Barney.
"I won't..." Barney lied. As soon as Moe was gone he started drinking Duff directly from the tap.
A French restaurant. A pissy waiter who is not French but just pissy came over to Marge and Homer's table to see if they were ready to order.
"Well, madame, what will you be having for dinner tonight?" The waiter asked.
Marge giggled charmed by his accent. "The filet mignon please."
The waiter notes this down.
"And you Monsieur?"
"Uh... how much entrees is norm for one person?" Homer asked.
"One Monsieur..."
"No i meant one adult..."
"Once again, Monsieur, one..."
"No I meant one obese adult..." said Homer.
"One Monsieur..." The waiter sighed.
...
Bart giggled deviously.
"Bart, why are you out of bed?" Laura called to him from the lounge.
"Just getting a glass of water." Bart replied.
"Okay but then go straight back to bed..." said Laura.
Meanwhile at the Wiggums.
"That's an entire different kettle of fish, Sarah." said Clancy in the midst of a conversation with his wife.
Later he found Ralph pouring boiling hot water and live trout into his police uniform that was hanging up in the closet.
Wiggum shook his head and sighed.
Oscar was dreaming about the magic taco voiced by James Earl Jones.
"I find your lack of taste disturbing..." said the taco.
Oscar winced. "Just because I like jelly beans and mustard in my tacos...
Then Lisa in his dream was protesting about the environment.
Oscar snapped his fingers and she became camel Lisa.
"Honk! Hoooooonk!" said camel Lisa.
Oscar chuckled.
"Uh buddy..." Teddy pulled at his sweater sleeve.
"Yes I know Ted, Ranch dressing..." said Oscar.
Teddy winced confounded.
Then Oprah as a sentient okra pod called Okra Winfrey was handing out okra.
"You get some okra, you get some okra! You all get some okra!"
Oscar had a sweat drop as he flummoxed by his own imagination.
Elsewhere Laura bored of Jimbo's obvious attempts to flirt ie taking his shirt off... Well she imagined her mom in that leather jacket from the last Ruth and Laura adventure I wrote. Ie Marge on the Lam.
Then she imagined her father, Austin Powers, yes that Austin Powers...
"Yeah baby! Yeah!"
Plot 2
Moe was roaming about town with a knife trying to find Evergreen Terrace. He went the wrong way so he had to turn round.
He passed a back lane or alley. inside the dark alley between apartment blocks, a cartoon green creat wearing a shiny black bowler hat and gloves held a cartoon pig by the scruff of his shirt with one hand in a threatening manner and in his other he held the neck of a bottle of strong liquor. The green creature had a big round wet shiny black nose. Like Screwy Squirrel's.
Sideshow Mel was out for an evening jog again.
And the Robotic Richard Simmons escaped from Mr Burns's mansion again... It ran around tormenting any plus sized townsfolk still out at night.
"Come on, come on girls! shake the butter off those buns!" said the robot.
Comic Book Guy screamed and fled.
Speaking of the fitness personality...
Clancy was up late with Sarah watching the Rosie O'Donnell show.
Rosie tortured everyone by singing Clang, Clang go the trolleys from that Judy Garland film.
Clancy was uncomfortable but not prone to screaming fits like Homer.
Then Richard Simmons was a guest, where he presumably tormented the more ample members of the audience with exercises.
Then Celine Dion was a guest, presumably she sang her Titanic song at the audience.
Then Rosie started another episode of her Kids telling lame jokes but eh they're kids so it's cute...
"What is a moth's favourite pillow? A caterpillow." said a kid.
"Okay that's enough! Let's see what else is on..." said Clancy. He flicked through the channels.
Sarah sulked.
The French restaurant.
"Oh waiter..." Homer called over the waiter.
"Oui, Monsieur?"
"Do you have frogs legs?" Homer asked.
"They are on the menu Monsieur..." said the waiter.
"Then hop to the kitchen and fetch me a soufflé! Gahahahaha!" Homer laughef.
The waiter left offended by his joke.
Marge grumbled.
...
Meanwhile Jimbo wanted to make out with Laura. However she wasn't in the mood.
Suddenly Moe bursted in brandishing a knife. Which made Laura scream.
"Which one of you pukes is Jimbo Jones?" Moe demanded.
"Uh that'll be me sir." Jimbo replied.
"Big mistake pal! I'll teach you to make a fool outta me!" Moe yelled. He was about to stab Jimbo.
"Yipes!" Bart gulped as he watched from the hall. He had never seen Moe so mad before.
"Moe don't!" Laura yelled.
"P-p-please! Don't kill me! I'm begging you!" Jimbo started crying.
"Aw shucks. I was just gonna cut you..." Moe calmed down and was rather embarrassed to see Jimbo cry. "I'm outta here..."
Moe left.
Jimbo was still blubbering.
"Jimbo..." Laura was embarrassed by his sobbing. Especially when he blew his nose into his t shirt. Yeeeuck!
"Yeah?" Jimbo asked having stopped crying.
"I think we should see other people. This isn't working out..." Laura dumped him.
Jimbo started crying again and ran out the house. "I'll never forget you babe!" He cried as he ran off into the night.
Bart winced.
Laura was embarrassed. And now had a rebellious Bart still out of bed.
"Come on kiddo. Get back upstairs and I'll tuck you in." Laura sighed as she took Bart back upstairs.
Bart was still thinking about impossible and weird scenarios of him dating Laura but knew that could never be.
Unlike Stewie and his babysitter...
"Uh kid, you're only one yea old and I'm eighteen..." said the blonde, pretty babysitter.
"So?" asked Stewie.
Bart's room. While Laura tucked him in, they spoke.
"Jimbo was way out of your league. You deserve better, Laura." Bart explained.
"Why that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me!" Laura was touched. "If you were a few years older and taller I'd probably go out with you!" Um... eeeeew! "G'night kiddo. Sleep tight."
Bart happily went to sleep after she turned out his bedroom light.
...
The next day, Carol aka Jimbo's Mom's house.
Jimbo was crying because Laura dumped him.
"I thought he was dated Shauna." said Kearney.
"I thought he was dating your mom..." said Marco.
Kearney socked him with a hay maker.
Elsewhere Carol was planning on getting implants.
The Simpsons house, Bart and Hugo were watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. However the heart ripping scene gave Hugo one too many bad ideas...
"Kali ma shakti de! Kali maaaaaa! Kali maaaaaa!" Hugo recited bringing his clawed hand to Bart's chest.
Oscar laughed.
"Moooooom! Hugo's pretending to be Mola Ram and scaring me!" Bart yelled.
"That's it! No more Indiana Jones movies for you two!" Marge told them off.
"Aw no fair!" Hugo whined.
Bart sulked.
"Kali maaaaaa..." Oscar rasped.
Marge rolled her eyes.
Homer was napping. Marge tried to wake him. "Homer... Homer..."
"Ahhhh! Leave me alone flying blue monkey aliens!" Homer screamed.
Marge was baffled.
"No Lenny! It's raining fried chicken! Mmmmm! fried chicken..." Homer said in his sleep.
Marge sighed and popped open a can of Duff. the beer inside hissed as air got in.
"Ok! I'm awake!" Homer sat bolt upright.
"Homer It's about your antics last night..." said Marge.
Elsewhere Hugo was still very upset about the incident involving The Indiana Jones tape. He was just having a laugh with Oscar, his buddy who had a rather bizarre fixation with the heart pulling scene from Temple of Doom.
So he ran off to his attic still in a rage, stomping and shouting.
Marge in the midst of a chat with Homer sighed.
...
Later Marge was having a talk with Homer about Bart and Hugo's sleeping arrangement.
"Homer they can't continue sleeping top and tail!" Marge ranted. "You'll have to build bunk beds." Marge then remembered Homer wasn't very good at carpentry. "Actually you're best off buying them bunk beds.
"Marge I still have to assemble them." Homer replied.
"Fine, I'll build them." Marge replied.
"What?!" Homer gasped. "What do you know about carpentry?!"
"I can learn. I've always enjoyed reading and learn very quickly thank you." Marge explained.
"Well maybe Bart should stop Dutch ovening me every night!" Hugo whined.
One night in their bed Bart and Hugo are sleeping. "Dutch oven!" Bart shoves Hugo under the blankets and farts. Hugo cries out and wriggles trying to get free.
"Eeeeew! That's disgusting Bart!" Marge was grossed out by this fact.
Bart laughed.
Oscar's room. Oscar and Lisa were feeding Nibbles the school hamster, who sometimes lives with them.
"Nibbles is now a ninja assassin." said Oscar.
Lisa glanced at him concerned.
Hugo having calmed down was outside Oscar's room.
"The French do not ask, they demand..." He was referencing that the french word for 'To ask' is demande. Ie demand.
"The French are cheese eating surrender monkeys..." said Oscar.
Hugo sighed. "Oz that's just rude..."
Then there was a lion called Frederick. Even Hugo retreated out of the room away from the lion.
Frederick the lion always wanted to be an astronaut. In fact he constantly dreamt about being an astronaut.
"Uh okay..." Hugo cut in.
"Oz is this gonna be like your abnormal obsession with Screwy Squirrel..." Lisa asked in a small voice.
"Noooo..." said Oscar snarking.
Then there was a gay elephant called John. Er Jonathan.
"Terribly sorry, my good chap. But this story is getting rather far fetched!" said Jonathan the gay elephant.
...
At School Jimbo was mad at Bart for ruining his relationship with Laura Powers.
"I'm gonna give you the wedgie of a life time!" Jimbo yelled.
Bart screamed and ran way down the hall.
"After him!" Jimbo yelled as he and his goons ran off after Bart.
Bart passed the principal's office. It was open and Skinner was working.
"Bart reporting for duty!" said Bart in a hurry as he grabbed his hall monitor sash and put it on.
"You're getting a little tardy Bart." Principal Skinner was checking his watch.
The bullies ran in. However they stopped because Bart was wearing the hall monitor sash.
"Oh no! The hall monitor!" Kerney yelled.
"Let's get outta here before we get busted!" Dolph yelled.
"You win this round Bart." Jimbo yelled as the ran away.
Bart laughed deviously as he dusted his palms and went off to class.
Elsewhere outside Third Grade, Oscar was reading the Dinosaur That Pooped Christmas. He chuckled while reading the book meant for kindergarteners.
Ace the vampire boy sighed.
And then there was a shark accountant, a shark wearing a business suit.
"At first I thought that guy was part of the cartoon shark mafia." said Oscar.
Ace winced.
The shark had a super laser gun.
"Oz I swear if you keep messing things up with weird nonsense I'll give you such a wedgie..." Jimbo Jones warned him. cracking his knuckles.
"No you won't, for I am a third Dan black belt in karate!" Oscar warned him.
Jimbo backed off, taking him very seriously as he pulverised him once.
Elsewhere Bart hurried off to class. His class mates who were causing anarchy because Mrs Krabappel wasn't in yet, ie with the toilet paper throwing and hurling paint everywhere etc, well they all stopped and sat down when Bart came in, because he is the hall monitor now.
"That's right dudes, I'm the law in this school now..." said Bart wearing the hall monitor sash and sunglasses alongside his usual clothes.
Oscar leapt out of his desk. "The Laaaaaaaaawlll!" He quoted Judge Rico from the Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd film.
Bart face palmed.
...
At home Marge was talking to Ruth Powers. When something came up in the conversation...
"Marge, did Homer hire another babysitter the night we went out together?" Ruth asked.
"No of course not! Your daughter is our only local babysitter right now that Abe is going senile and my sisters are on holiday. All our previous babysitters got scared away or had nervous breakdowns from looking after Bart..." Marge explained. "Why'd you ask?"
"...because Laura wasn't called over to yours that night after Homer went out..." Ruth explained.
"And when I thought Mom was staying over at yours Mrs Simpson I found Bart was still up at past midnight and the place was a mess..." said Laura.
Marge made a very angry Hmmmmmmm! As if she was about to yell. Which she did. "Homer!"
Sometime later indoors.
"How could you be so thoughtless?! Leaving our kids on their own?!" Marge yelled at Homer.
"Hey Bart convinced me he would be fine. And Lisa was very quiet so I assumed they'd be fine!" Homer made an excuse.
Marge grumbled. "Hmmmmmmmmmmm!" I was wondering why the house was in a state that night...
At school Hall Monitor Bart stopped Jimbo and his gang from giving Milhouse another pink belly and at recess he kept telling everyone to respect his authoritorah.
"Respect mah authoritirah!" said Hall Monitor Bart.
"Bart stop yelling that across the playground!" Skinner told him off.
"Bart. Being a hall monitor is a big responsibility. I hope you don't let that power go to your head..." said Skinner.
"I won't..." said Bart.
"Also you have to set an example. Not continue your bad behaviour..." said Skinner. "May I remind you of that time you flooded the gym! Or when you took the blame for Lisa stealing the teacher's syllabus guide from all the teachers?"
"Sir that last one was a noble thing I did to stop my sister getting expelled..." said Bart frowning.
Marge was still cross with Homer for leaving the kids alone. "You could have had anyone over to babysit! Even Lionel Hutz! But no! You had to take Bart's word for it and now I have to make use of an eight foot long Hoagie before it goes mouldy and Satanic cultists in the rumpus room!" Marge ranted.
There were satanic cultist in the Rumpus room sacrificing a goat to summon a demon.
"Get out of here!" Marge yelled at them and they hastily packed up and left.
"Fine..." Homer sighed.
"I meant the cultists! But Homer I am disappointed in you!" said Marge.
Homer sighed.
That evening Marge and Homer we're dressed up smart to go out somewhere fancy. The door rang. "That must be the babysitter!" said Marge.
She answered the door to find Lionel Hutz.
"Hi Mrs Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney of law. I also work as a babysitter now!" said Lionel.
"Um... good! Come in Mr Hutz!" Marge let him in.
She listed all the things that she felt he needed to know such as how to change Maggie's diapers and what Bart was allergic to.
"Now kids. You be good for Mr Hutz while we're gone!" said Marge.
"Yes Mom..." Bart and Hugo sighed.
"I'm sure they will Mrs Simpson. Here's my card." said Lionel Hutz offering her his card.
"Um I have twenty of your cards already Mr Hutz." said Marge as she took the card.
Homer then negotiated the night's wages for Lionel babysitting.
"We pay 8 dollars for the night and you can take 2 popsicles outta the freezer." said Homer.
"Three." Lionel was quite happy with his ridiculous payment but wanted an extra popsicle.
"Two." Homer insisted.
"Okay, two and I get to keep this old birdcage!" Lionel drove a hard bargain and took a bird cage.
"Done!" said Homer.
"Homer no! The canary lives there!" Marge said annoyed.
"Marge, Snowball ate her last week." said Homer.
Plot 3
However once Homer and Marge left, Lionel Hutz started burning his stuff and insisting he was now called Miguel Sanchez.
The kids winced exasperated.
Then when the kids woke him from a nap to cook dinner he yelled at them and pulled a knife on them.
They screamed.
"Oh sorry! I thought you were burglars trying to take my stuff!" Lionel Hutz apologised to them. "Wait this isn't the YMCA!"
"Yes it is." said Oscar. The Village People and hundreds of gay men came in as the living room opened up into a huge theatre with a stage. The Village People and the gay men were dancing to YMCA.
YMCA by the Village People plays. There was even an Indian.
"Oh god! No Oscar!" Bart screamed.
Hugo was dressed in leather with spikes and a leather cap dancing.
Bart face palmed.
Eventually Lionel Hutz made dinner. At dinner they discussed the benefits of lawyers.
"Wow Mr Hutz! I never realised lawyers were so important!" said Bart.
"Can you imagine a world without lawyers?" said Lionel proposing they imagine such a scenario. Lionel Hutz imagined everyone of different cultures and races living happily ever after and dancing holding each other's hands with a rainbow in the sky and cheery music. The dream ended with Lionel Hutz shivering in disgust.
Then they all watched a crime drama called LA Lawyers or something.
"Yeah like that's so realistic... the attorney lives in a big fancy apartment..l" said Lionel Hutz.
"Shhhhh! Mr Hutz we're trying to get the story!" Lisa hushed him.
Homer and Marge called to see how Lionel Hutz was doing. He had just put the kids to bed.
"Mmmmmmmm!" He said delighted as he was eating Christmas cookies. "Your wife's Christmas cookies are out of this world Mr Simpson!" said Mr Hutz.
"Hey! Who told you you could eat my cookies?!" Homer asked.
"Marge you must give me the recipe!" said Mr Hutz.
"Mr Hutz just tell us how the kids are doing..." Marge sighed.
"Oh they were angels. Out like a light." said Lionel.
"Oh good!" said Marge.
"Mmmmmmmmm!" Lionel Hutz groaned with joy at a tasty cookie.
"PUT DA COOKIE DOWN! NOW!" Homer shouted down the phone.
When Marge got home she was pleased the kids behaved and Lionel despiser helping himself to her Christmas cookies was a nice, kind babysitter.
"Homer we should have him again." said Marge.
"No way! He ate my Christmas cookies!" Homer yelled. "And caused the narrator to reference Jingle All The Way! Yes I get it Narrator! Phil Hartman is in Jingle All the Way." Homer wanted Kearney to babysit. "Let's let that bully Kearney babysit! It would be hilarious!"
"No!" Marge said sharply.
"Oh..." Homer whined.
...
However Marge sitting in on Lionel just to see how he was. But he did things she wasn't happy with. First off he didn't stop Hugo strangling Bart. Hugo was mad because Bart got them banned from watching Indiana Jones movies.
"You stupid little! I like Indiana Jones!" Hugo yelled as he throttled Bart.
"Hugo stop that at once! Go to your room! You're grounded mister!" Marge scolded Hugo.
Hugo sulked and stomped iff to his room.
She went to talk to Lionel about him not noticing Bart being strangled but he was arguing with the vacuum cleaner and the toaster and a table lamp and other household appliances.
"Hi, I'm your air conditioner! What you gonna do Kirby? Suck me out of the wall? Yeah your master was a real good kid..."
"Mr Hutz stop referencing the Brave Little Toaster and pay attention to my kids!" Marge told him off. "Oh my goodness! The kitchen is on Fire!"
A monster made of black smoke grabbed Bart and pulled him into the burning kitchen.
"Mom! Help!" he cried.
Then evil firefighter clowns from Hell arrived to put out the fire.
"Run!" said the evil scary monster clown fire fighters.
"Aaaaaaaagh! Evil clooooowns!" Hugo screamed.
"Hey! Don't hate on the clowns!" Oscar whined. "If they're fire fighters they can't be evil..."
Marge face palmed.
The evil fire fighter clown was putting out the fires.
The last straw was when Lionel was cooking lunch. The boys were running around screaming like lunatics and causing carnage.
Lionel was busy cooking and on the phone to someone. Probably a client he was defending in court. He was being his usual calm friendly self when suddenly he burnt himself. He yelped in pain then shouted. "KIDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! SHUT YOUR TRAPS AND SIT DOWN! (Censored!) BRATS!"
This was the final straw.
"Mr Hutz! Get out at once! Your services are no longer required!" Marge shouted at him.
"Okay... I'll see if Arnold Schwarzenegger's family still needs my services as a babysitter..." said Lionel Hutz as he packed his things and left.
Marge was baffled.
Then Lionel's voice actor was murdered by Mrs Hartman, luckily fan fictions don't need voice acting.
...
Marge the next day had tea with Ruth. Yes tea...
Which Oscar poured with a three spouted tea pot like something the Mad Hatter would have.
Oscar smirked.
"Austin was romantic at first but then it was career, career, career..." said Ruth.
"Plus he's in those naughty comedy movies with Dr Evil..." said Oscar.
Amusingly in the background Homer is telling off the dog for sleeping in his hammock. "Hey! Hey! Hey you! That's my hammock! That is my hammock! Mine! Shoo! Shoo!"
Marge sighed and grumbled.
Oscar saw the Das Butt Video tape Marge gifted to Ruth when she moved in.
"Ooooooh! (Perverted laughter.) Hehehehe... naughty..."
Marge gasped and took the tape from him.
"Hey!" Oscar whined.
"That's not suitable for little boys Oscar." Marge explained.
"Unfortunately there's no cookies or as I call em,, biscuits with your tea ladies as Lionel Hutz ate them while making Jingle all the way references." said Oscar.
"Um... yes." Marge grimaced exasperated.
Homer then came in. "Hey honey."
"Hey, Old Fred Mertz." Oscar teased him.
Bart cracked up laughing.
Homer seethed.
"Anyway I have a date, I said I'd meet him here." said Ruth.
Marge was fascinated to meet him. And lo and behold the the door bell rang.
However Barney was at the door holding some flowers.
"Hey babe! Uuuuuurrrrrp!" Barney made a half-assed attempt to dress smart for a date. But flies buzzed round him.
Marge sighed. "Ruth you don't have to go out with him..." She remembered when Homer set him up with Selma.
"I brought wine! Oh wait this is some drink called Ribena blackcurrant juice..." said Barney.
"Oz stop smuggling in blackcurrants... They could spread a harmful fungus..." Lisa sighed.
...
In the house in the hall way Bart was sat on the steps reading The Dinosaur That Pooped Christmas. He chuckled. "Oscar's right, this is hilarious! Oh Dougie from McFly... You could have had all the girls... Instead you you cater to infants with gutter minds obsessed with toilet humour..."
"Bart that book is for kindergarteners..." Lisa sighed.
"The hand! The hand controls me!" Bart freaked her out with his dirty hand again.
Lisa ran off screaming.
Bart chuckled.
"Marge I'm going go the park to sit on a bench and eat these valentines chocolates." said Homer.
"Hmmmm... Homer I'm sure you meant to offer those to your wife in a gesture of love!" Marge frowned.
"And I'd watch out, Wiggum is arresting people for impersonating celebrities/movie characters." said Oscar.
At school Willie was running a fish gutting class. As one normally does... However he distinctly remembered wanting to go into therapy to learn to be a therapist. Or to teach socialogy.
"Welcome to Willie's shack, lassie! What brings you in today - therapy or the fish-gutting seminar I conduct?" said Willie.
"Uh..." Janey winced.
Bart was in Willie's shack gutting fish. "Knife goes in, guts come out. Knife goes in, guts come out." He repeated eagerly.
"That's some good fish gutting Bart Simpson." said Willie.
"Fishy heads..." Hugo wanted some fish heads to eat.
Bart sighed and tossed him some fish heads.
Elsewhere Ruth was at Moe's with her ex husband Austin. Her surname is powers so it's funny that he's Austin Powers.
"Yeah baby! Yeah! Oooooh behave!" said Austin Powers.
Ruth sighed. "See this is why we're divorced..."
Barney belched come on Ruth, uuuuuuurp! Oh excuse me! Come on doll, I'll show you a good time..." They went out for the night.
Austin sighed. "Serve any cocktails?"
"No just Duff beer..." said Moe.
Elsewhere Marge and Homer went out again and hired Laura for the night.
"And Bart and Hugo, I'm lifting my ban on you both watching Indiana Jones movies, No this has nothing to do with why Oscar is pointing a gun into my back." Oscar was threatening her with one of his handguns.
Bart frowned at Oscar.
...
And now for something completely random.
Homer was riding a unicycle with Eddie Munster. Well his actor. In canon Homer was on Butch's shoulders but that's impossible because of how fat Homer is. So instead Butch rode on Homer's shoulders in costume and makeup as Eddie Muntster. Also there were cobras...
Homer screamed as the cobras hissed and spat.
"If your mom's a vampire and your dad's a Frankenstein, how are you a werewolf?!" Homer asked Butch.
"I dunno. And Eddie is just a character I play..." said Butch.
Elsewhere Bart got his hand dirty again.
"Lisa, the hand! The haaaaaaand!" said Bart with gum and spit on his hand waving his hand at Lisa.
Lisa screamed and ran about the house chased by him.
Laura winced as she read a magazine.
Bart then dressed up as Hugh Hefner in the evening having one last smoke of his pipe in front of the fire in his gown.
"It's a posh gentleman thing... not a Hugh Hefner thing..." said Bart.
Then Laura had a visitor, She answered the door to find Ed from Ed, Edd and Eddy was there for some reason.
Ed guffawed.
"Ed i've told you it's over..." said Laura.
"At least give me back my jacket..." said Ed.
The kids then explained the Hugo situation.
"Oh that reason all the cops were outside your house one night and Bart you didn't want to stay at the Flanders..." said Laura.
"Yeah... So I have a brother now..." said Bart.
Hugo was scampering about on his hands and feet and sniffing things.
They then played board games. They tried to play monopoly but Maggie kept eating the tiny green houses.
Barney took Ruth back to his apartment. It was filthy.
"Yeah I should tidy it but I can't be bothered." said Barney.
Ruth was disgusted to find old pizza boxes and underwear strewn about.
"I once found some pizza under the cushions of my couch." said Barney.
"Ugh..." Ruth was repulsed.