(Wonder)

I came again the next day, but I ended up in front of closed doors this time.

I habe a distinctly remembered impression of the moment where all my motion stopped but there was that impulse still remembering, the processes unfolding within me still going and suddenly being starkly apparent in consciousness after having preciously been barely noticed in the background.

Though it was not possible, I still wanted to see him very much.

The impression was strong as I stood there, like something living pulsing in the silence.

Thought it was possible, I wanted to.

After that, I took out my journal and wrote down the complete visitation times for every day of the week, to ensure this would not happen again.

Though he felt fine by his own estimation, it seems that they would be keeping him a while, for observation at least – Major Katsuragi took it upon herself to explain it to us when the next synchronization test ended up involving only myself and the Second.

When he first came in, the chief concern was about the results of oxygen deprivation and the cascade of follow-up events that could occur even after the initial period of hypoxia.

There had since been a skull MRI that did not show any discernible lesions or signs of swelling in the brain, so that concern had been quickly dispelled.

The Major had been told by the physicians that it was a lucky break, but if Dr. Yui Ikari was acting within EVA 01 as an active intelligence, it very much made sense that she would have intervened before serious permanent injury could occur.

There were other issues though: The EVA's internal recorder had been out of power by the time of her emergence, so there was no way to confirm this nor any concrete numbers to affirm this, but apparently Ikari-kun had showed signs of the kind of nervous system overload that would be consistent with a great synchronization spike.

The Second had then sarcastically remarked if she was expected to believe that 'the great invincible Shinji-sama' had managed to crack yet another record ust two days after the last, but Dr. Akagi corrected her firmly there: A high synchronization rate might be desirable up to a point, but there was a possibility of it getting too high.

She brought up that before the requirements for the pilots were properly figured out, there had been cases of test pilots dying or going insane.

Though I suppose now that it no longer seems correct to think of Yui Ikari as dead, if her will is still actively acting upon this world…

None of them knew this, of course.

The Major seemed offended at the clinical, matter of factly way that her colleague was speaking of this, though she did not really see herself as I a position to object, seeing it was her job to motivate us to take those risks, even if that is acting against our interests – this was never more clear than with Ikari-kun's more reluctant disposition.

But what surprised me the most was the Second's response, or rather the lack thereof.

She didn't express disbelief, or insistence that her previous high scores must be a good thing; Though it did not seem as if those tales were news to her either. She didn't protest about the dangers.

She just went quiet, in a way that struck me as uncharacteristic, though I did not think much on it at the time.

I learned soon that there was also another reason, one that the Major had not disclosed to us. But it came up in discussions between the Commander, the Sub-Commander and Dr. Akagi:

Ikari-kun never spoke of this to me directly, but it seems that in the debriefing at least, he had reported… seeing things while he was in there. Strangely vivid dreams.

Reminiscent even of hallucinations.

Extreme loneliness and distress were of course well known to cause those- the phenomenon was sometimes known as Third Man Syndrome – but the content of such experiences was usually quite predictable. Some kind of benign presence urging you to stay strong, for example.

Floating geometrical shapes, geometric patterns.

Extremly regular products of the way that the human brain tends to malfunction.

Besides, Ikari-kun had only been there a short time and his brains had already been shown to be perfectly intact, they never seem to have gotten into states of extreme stress.

The life support did its job much as the engineers intended, and once it started to give out, Dr. Ikari had made sure to get her son to some fresh air.

There also remained the question of why the angel had captured Unit One in the first place, and then lost interest in doing just about everything else.

It seems the Comitee itself was entertaining the possibility that this was an attempt at communication on the part of the angel. They demanded all the transcripts and data, and even proposed an interrogation of the pilot.

Major Katsuragi had declared all this to be speculation and voted against such an interrogation out of concern for Ikari-kun's well-being after the harrowing experience he had just gone through, but the Commander and the others did not much seem to believe her – From the beginning, Dr. Akagi took it as a given that her colleague must be playing dumb on purpose to keep her ward from becoming a test subject, dismissing her subjections out of hand.

But Commander Ikari had his very own reasons to deny SEELE direct access to such information as might be gleaned from such an interview and thus decided to second the Major's opinion.

As for myself, well… it is someonetimes hard for people to truly reconstruct what they believed before changing their opinion as the change of opinion alters the brain circuits where it is held.

Later events would suggest that such a communication attempt by the angel was very lately.

It happened again, and the next one would be far less ambiguous or up for debate.

I do recall wishing that I could see the full transcripts and reports, however, though I could not come up with a good reason to ask for them.

I couldn't ask Ikari-kun himself when it had been deemed by all involved that such questioning would clearly distress him.

There were many reasons that the speculations of the others could be wrong in either way – the human tendency to dismiss being unlike themselves, but also, the human tendeny to antropomorphize objects or animals in their surroundings, to assume that others are exactly like them.

I wished that I could judge for myself based on the actual raw data.

But the possibility to see direct evidence of the thought of another non-Lilim intelligence like myself… I did wonder what I might have recognized in there, if I could have read the reports.

Perhaps the mind that was revealed there would be nothing like mine at all.

Perhaps it would be hard to even tell, seeing as whatever Ikari-kun had experienced would be filtered through his own human understandings.

There was no way for me to get at this without either having to explain my interest or causing stress to a friend I would rather relieve from further burdens, but I did wonder what it was that he and Leliel had 'talked' about, if something like 'talk' could be said to have taken place.

In the meantime, I came to visit him many times.

After he'd come so close to slipping out of this world forever, I wanted to be near him, to do something for him, to lighten or soothe the strain he must be under, the harshness he had been through – though I wasn't sure how to even do that, if it was even within my power.

I didn't trust myself to bring up what may have happened inside the EVA; He didn't speak of it either, so it may be that he would prefer to be distracted.

Perhaps that was something that he'd need to deal with himself, since he was the only one there, the first person thus far to have experienced anything like it.

Yes, I did hope that my presence would bring him some kind of benefit, but if I'm honest, I can't say that was the full, real reason that would fully explain it.

I just wanted to be there with him.

I wanted it because I wanted it.

It's not that I had much else to be doing, or much else I could reasonably hope to receive if I should risk wanting it.

Of course I had made clear that I would leave if he should find my presence burdensome or to be interfering with his recovery, but this he denied, and in general he appeared glad to see me – his sour face would light up into a sincere smile when I was revealed behind the door.

A fleeting, temporary occurrence.

If he noticed I was glancing at him he'd do his utmost to arrange his expression into something welcoming, but it never quite lasted, as if, ever since the incident, there had been some persistent worry or doubt brewing inside his heart which, sooner or later, was bound to pull the corners of his mouth back down.

I didn't get many hints at what it was. He didn't wish to speak of it, or perhaps he found it too hard.

A few times I had come and ended up never going into his room because he already had other visitors – Major Katsuragi had shown up with the Second, or another time, with Aida and Suzuhara. She must have pulled some strings to get a permit to bring those two inside the geofront.

On those occasions, I turned back around, but still left satisfied, knowing that there had been muffled sounds of talking and laughter from behind the door.

Mr. Kaji also stopped by once; I didn't see him, but Ikari-kun himself told me that he did.

I don't think the Commander visited at all, though I suppose he would have been kept informed of his son's condition one way or another.

One day, I arrived to find the door to his room wide open and Ikari-kun himself ambling onto the hallway.

He was a little startled when he saw me, like he had not been expecting to be seen or found by anybody.

"Ah… Ayanami..."

For this reason, I did not wish to put him on the spot, however, there was an obvious question to be posed: "...is it allright for you to be out?"

Thus prompted, he responded automatically by force of habit, distracted from his apprehension:

"Yeah, I'm cleared to walk around and everything, I'm just not supposed to leave the premises. I feel fine, really, they're just keeping me for running tests, I think…"

He trailed off there for a moment; The expectation to explain himself seemed to have reasserted its presence:
"I was really just stretching my legs, anyway, I'm just… a little bit restless after beeing cooped up in here for a while."

"I see." I commented, hoping that this would get across that I had no intention to interrogate him.

It did seem to put him at ease somewhat, I noticed his shoulders relaxing.

A few longing looks went past me, as he composed himself.

Then he spoke:

"...actually, do you mind if we go somewhere today?"

"Where?"

"...just… just somewhere. Somewhere that isn't these walls here. Actually, I think I know a good place."

"...is it on the premises?"

"Yes. Don't worry. It's not far. It should be okay."

So we went.

It struck me that his stay at the medical wing must have been getting to him because he did not show very much embarassment with regards to leaving just as he was in his pajamas.

It is true that, by now, he would have known which parts of the complex were more or less frequented, but even so I do believe that he would have chosen to get changed under other circumstances.

He must really have been eager to get gone and leave the pall walls of his sickroom behind him.

It soccurred to me that it probably would not have been his choice to spend the immediate time after the harrowing incident with Leliel in a blank room alone with his thoughts.

He probably sought distraction, and that may be why he'd welcomned my visits and avoided speaking of the incident.

Following behind him, I tried to guess where would be taking us, but I could not match the path to any particular destination.

I wondered what I might say to him if he tried to talk me into leaving NERV HQ after all even though he was under orders not to do that.

But that did not happen.

His steps led us to a small little side door I had walked past many times.

Behind its glass panes, one could see the woods of the geofront on the lower surface of the cavity.

In the years that I had worked here, I had seen it many times.

For the first one and a half years or so, I had gone past this section without noticing it was there, but eventually, it stood out to me, possibly while I was waiting for something.

Since then, there had been a few times where I had lingered by it, looking outside through the glass.

Once or twice, I had even opened it and stepped out, and stood just outside it for a while, breathing in the fresh air, calming myself down from one thing or another, or just simply letting my thoughts linger.

Never once had I kept going more than three steps past the threshold.

I didn't know of any destination past there.

I knew there were woods, and fields. A contingency measure in case NERV HQ should ever be forced to operate as an autonomous colony.

I knew this in an intellectual, theoretical, vague kind of way, like a sketch growing less elaborate at the edges, fading into white.

Logically, I did expect for time and space to continue there, but I was not aware of anywhere to go, of any concrete place to be imagined past there.

But it seems that Ikari-kun did, so, I went with him.

What stood out to me in hindsight was that we didn't even have to go far.

There wasn't a secret to it, or a long uncertain path – I might have stumbled on it on my own by accident, if I had ever endeavored to wander out here out of sight of the door.

We only needed to move around the corner on the side of the building, and then, I could already see it:

That silver garden, shaped by ornate structures of striated light gray marble.

Several tall, high columns, crowned in the middle by an elegant carven gazebo.

Platforms of stone going between elaborate waterways, surrounded by plants, such as precisely trimmed hedges, conical cypresses and, in the outskirts, a few regal luxurious palms pointing into the skyless artificial cavern.

Most striking of all was the water, and the light playing upon its many surfaces.

Flowing in artificial streams between stone platforms, glittering in a classical fountain or being sprinkled into the air in symmetrical rows, adding a pleasant coolness to the hot summer air.

This place had probably been here all along – maybe for longer than I had existed.

All the times I had walked past that door, firmly connected as part of the complex.

It was probably built for the enjoyment of the employees.

And yet I felt like I had stepped into some place in a fairytale, as a child in such a story might stumble into a completely different world, some beauteous realm of the Fair Folk.

Of course we need only turn around to dispell the illusion, to find behind us the high buildings of the complex, including NERV's imposing Pyramid.

Yet still I stood silent on the marble tiles, looking around in impressioned wonder.

"It's so pretty…" I mumbled without thinking.

"I didn't know there was a place like this on the ground…"

Looking like a displaced traveller himself in his hospital pyamas, Ikari-kun expressed surprised at this: "...you've never seen it even though you've worked her for so long? I would have thought you had the whole place memorized…"

But not something like this.

I would have never paid this any heed, even if I saw it as a nondescript square on the plans just labeled 'gardens'. I don't know if I did.

"I was never told to come here," I attempted to explain.

I wouldn't have had business here.

There would not have been a reason for me to mark this – or at least, so I would have thought.

I think now that this was an error.

Awed still by the harmonious confluence of the built environment around me,

I took a few steps to where the marble platform lead down to the water.

I wondered, suddenly, what it might be like to feel the water on the skin of my hands – impelled by nothing more than that simple curiosity or aesthetic appreciation, I crouched down and put my fingers inside.

It felt cool and refreshing, which, in this heat, was very pleasurable.

The surface moved in glittering ripples.

Just a little, I felt the corners of my mouth tugging upward.

But as soon as I became consciously aware of this, it set off memories, and splintered thoughts, touching off chains of nameless feelings like ripples in the water -

And before I knew it, my wavering, shaking reflection in the unsteady surface wore a serious expression again – and the words fell out of me, as unprompted as my earlier attraction towards the little stream had been, emerging into being in that very moment and being spoken just as they were thought:

"You know, I'm thinking now, the first time we toughed, I didn't feel anything in particular."

"...what do you mean?"
"Your hand. Your picked me up inside the cage, when you first arrived. I may have been a little surprised, but that was all… Then, the second time… I was a little uncomfortable, I think."

When he pieced together what I meant, he responded with some degree of embarassment: "I'm still sorry about that!"

But that wasn't the point.

So I carried straight on without a detour:
"...the third time… on the mountain, I recall very distinctly.

I felt warm inside. I felt the warmth of your hand, even through the suit."

It felt very important, suddenly, to put all this into words.

To make sure that he knew it.

Last week, he had very nearly dissappeared from this world.

I couldn't let him dissappear without ever learning the effect he'd had by being in this world.

I couldn't let him dissappear thinking that no one cared and no one noticed.

Maybe I could not preserve him from dissappearing, but both of us being still alive, I could still speak to him, and so I continued on.

I needed for him to know… he might not receive it or be able to understand, but I still had to do my part to at least make it possible:

"But, the fourth time, when you visited me at my place…. I was just happy.

Happy that you were concerned for me. That you cared what happens to me."

I realized the truth and magnitude of this even as I spoke this.

He had made me very, very happy, as very few things did.

Much like this beautiful place in the mechanical desolation that was NERV HQ, the moments we'd spent together stood out as islands of warmth, light and stubstantiality amid the harsh grindwheels of a large and merciless machine that cared not for the difference between flesh and steel.

Feeling this, and knowing this keenly in this moment of awareness, I turned around, looking at him.

Taking in the presence of his figure atop the steps leading down to the water, his slender form, his pensive face, his clear and thoughtul eyes.

"...might I… hold your hand once again?"

I looked at him intentintently, braced for whatever may come, but some genuine will fought its way past this moment's hesitation, so his answer came: "...uh- yeah. Okay."

I stepped up to him then, and held out my hand.

To my surprise, his began moving almost in the same instant, he did not wait for me, or reluctantly trail after my lead – in an instant, my heart quickened at the thought that what I wanted might be wanted by us both.

In a clumsy abrupt action, he put an end to that dreadful anticipation when he grasped my fingers, then adjusting himself into something gentle and tender, a treasuring of my little appendage, treating me, as always, as something appreciated and precious, never taken for granted.

I was unsure what to do then, but I felt strongly that I should do something, so I curled my fingers around the back of his hand and gently brushed my thumb across it.

And so we remained.

Time was frozen to a trickle.

Every tiniest stir or motion felt like, so, so much –

And I reflected upon the two of us, and the very strange fates that had driven us here.

In principle we had only met because we were both pilots.

I did not choose him. He did not choose me.

We simply wound out washed into the same boat by the currents of destiny, and both of us were doomed, as doomed as black-lunged miners laboring in a lightless depht.

In the grand scheme of things, we were simply things wearing down.

Tools being worked until they break – little by little, day by day.

We were simply both melting in the acid rain of time.

One might argue that none of this really means anything, that it will change nothing in the shapes of things to come.

And yet, this brings pleasure.

And yet, this brings happiness.

Yet it brings relief.

Still it quenches the yearning of my soul, if only for a moment.

'Just let me stay', I found myself thinking,

'just tolerate me.

Even if there is nothing we can really do for each other.

Even if there's so much we can't really talk about.

Just be with me.

Just let me hold onto your hand as we go to waste in the grindwheels of time'.

I thought back to that fairytale book, and how the heart of the toy soldier and the ribbon of the blue paper doll were found at the end in the ashes after all else had burned away.

But unlike in that story, there won't be a God to declare those feeble trinkets the most precious things in town.

There's no guarantee here that our feeble bond means anything, this anemic product of our insincere dysfunctional hearts.

Thus I could have dissected this moment, from the instant I became aware of it, I could have picked at the many reasons for why this won't last an why it doesn't prove anything in the end and stashed away into the little passing crook that it allotted to it in the great plan of the gods.

But I was aware that, if I ever wanted to experience the senation of anything truly meaning something, I was just going to have to make the choice to allow it.

To open the door for that to come in.

To put a little of my heart in his hands and at his mercy, instead of holding onto it to the end.

I will lose everything in the end one way or another, so why not?

For now I just want to be here with him until the tide comes in to wash us all away.