She sat on the sofa, still wearing her white tailored suit. A very dry martini, two olives, in her left hand and a breathtaking panoramic view of New York city in front of her. A breathtaking view that was becoming increasingly blurry as tears glistened in her eyes. 'I have been in the business for decades, been through dozens of interviews, why now? This is so silly.' These events have become so routine to her she just didn't see it coming.
She couldn't believe how hard the question hit her. She also couldn't believe that they had the audacity to ask her a question on live television that had not been vetted through her PR team. On the one hand she couldn't blame them, it's a tough business and it's every man for himself. There had been so many stories out there about her, them, that she couldn't blame them for trying to catch her off guard. Expecting to get a reaction that would then be scrutinized for years to come. Analyzed for clues that might lead them to the discovery of some scandal they would then report on in hopes that it would be their big break. But on the other hand, being in the public eye should not mean that she doesn't deserve an opportunity to have some level of privacy in her life.
"Judith, there is no doubt that you've had an incredibly extensive career," the reporter began, "you have shown the world that you are as versatile as they come when it comes to your range of characters and genres." At this point Judith began to feel nervous, she didn't recall these words from when she read the script but she maintained her composure - 'perhaps she is just making a statement' she thought - no, she hoped. The reporter continued, "of all the characters you've played over the years, which one would you say most resonates with your true self and why?" Judith's heart skipped a beat. But you would never know it. She didn't get to be where she is today by not being able to take some punches and rolling with them, maintaining composure under pressure was her specialty and on the surface, she was calm, grounded and poised.
On the inside she was rattled. She couldn't even tell you now what her response was - something about Claire Meade from Ugly Betty and how much she loves fashion and believes that comfort is highly overrated. What she does know however, is that it was very well composed and articulated. This wasn't her first rodeo.
But sitting here now, in this moment, an overwhelming wave of emotion is taking over her. She knows these feelings well. They are always there beneath the surface threatening to bubble up with any small trigger she might encounter as she goes about her day. They've become a part of her very being.
She shook her head, a melancholy smile appearing on her face as she once again reflected on that question. 'It's uncanny really' she contemplated - how much her life ended up reflecting that of Angela Bower's. Although she managed to make her marriage work, it kind of feels like a failed one sometimes. Tainted by jealousy and resentment of her own success overshadowing that of her husband's. An impromptu marriage that came about by the fact that it just simply seemed like a good idea at the time. She has always maintained that it's a different kind of intimacy you experience living across the country from your husband and yes, she loves him dearly and it is a supportive marriage but sometimes she felt like it would be nice to have some typical intimacy in her life. She has a very complicated relationship with her best friend, a man in her life who truly cared for her happiness and success regardless of whether it cast a light or a shadow on himself and his own career. He is one of the kindest and most generous men she has ever known and he proved it every single day of their lives. To this day, he would sacrifice his own happiness every day for the sake of hers and has become her one true soulmate in this world. But unlike Angela, in Judith's world, she was the one unable, or even possibly unwilling, to throw caution to the wind, give into her feelings and break the mould.
It was very unsettling for her as she watched the way a young, cocky, Tony checked out every girl auditioning for the part of Angela. Not wanting to be another piece of meat to him, when it came her turn to audition Judith spun on her heel before he could get a glimpse of her tuchas and as her eyes darted to his she blurted 'what are you looking at?' before continuing on with her lines. Months later she would come to learn that the chemistry between them at that very moment was the reason she got the part, but at the time she thought for sure that would have crossed her name right off the short list. Her actions, she believed, were out of principle and as much as she wanted the part she didn't need it. She hadn't put it down as her first choice anyway, she was only there for the experience and she wanted to wipe that smug look off his face even though she had secretly hoped that he would find her worthy of his wandering eyes as well. She would later come to realize that the unsettling feeling she had was fear. Fear brought on by her insecurities which made her believe that he may not have the same desire to look at her the way he did the other girls. On top of that, there was a little jealousy of their confidence, the way they strutted the floor like they were the sexiest creatures on the planet. Mixed with a lot of desire, which she felt from the moment she met him. From day one there was an intense connection between them, their meeting can only be described as kismet. Looking back now, Judith could never imagine her life without him in it. Sure, it began as pure physical attraction and sexual tension, but it quickly flourished into a beautiful lifelong friendship.
Judith's eyes lit up and she let out a small chuckle. Her thoughts brought her to the time she embarrassed Tony on set by nearly baring it all to him when stepping out of the tub, wearing nothing but her panties and an open towel behind her that shielded her from the rest of the cast and crew in the studio. That was only the second episode, but even that early on she felt so comfortable with him. Respected and safe. She could remember the look on his face as if it were yesterday - shock, followed by disbelief, followed by a very deep crimson blush on his cheeks as his eyes deceived him and failed to look away. A shy smile appeared as he finally managed to peel his eyes off her body, his jaw dropped like a cartoon character surely thinking 'oh my God is this really happening!?' or perhaps even 'oh my God what is she thinking? This woman is crazy!' A small laugh escaped her and she made a mental note to ask Tony one day about what had been running through his mind at that moment. That became the first, but not the last time that she would stand before him naked - years later she would really bare it all. To Tony, and to hundreds of others. No towel, no panties, just her in all her glory. 'My God that was horrifying, yet so freeing and certainly empowering' she thought. He knew how nervous she was so there he was on opening night front and center, her number one fan as always. After the show he wasted no time before telling her how great she was - 'all of you' she remembered him saying with a wink. Robert was certainly not impressed. A sigh escaped her.
It's not easy being in the spotlight. There are contracts and responsibilities and they spill over right into your own life. Not to mention all the other lives woven in. Much like Tony and Angela chose to protect their family on the show, Tony and Judith chose very early on to protect the show and their careers. The sad reality is that your personal life, well, it takes a beating when you're in the public eye. The tension was palpable when they were together on set, they knew they weren't fooling anyone the chemistry was there and it was great for ratings so it was nurtured. The writers were in heaven working with the two of them. She was grateful that they had that outlet. It was an opportunity for them to be together and love each other, support each other and build the unbreakable bond they still share today.
Much like the characters on the show, they sublimated their feelings for each other and moved on. As the years passed, Tony and Judith both got married. Tony had children, something Judith was not sure she would ever have been able to give him. Judith's career really began to take off, she was getting calls for everything - TV movies, appearances on popular shows and this quickly began to put a strain on her own marriage. Tony on the other hand was always so proud of her achievements and encouraged her to do what was right for her "and let the rest fall into place around you" he would always say. They lived very separate lives off camera, but being on set together always felt like coming home.
Judith felt a tear drop from her cheek. Her memories brought her to a moment in time filming on set when Angela and Tony had an argument about her success and that he wasn't sure he could handle her being so much more successful than him. She remembered the emotions she felt when she said the words "You know that every day of my life I run up against guys who can't handle the fact that I'm a successful woman. I thought you were different, it's one of the things I love about you. But if you can't handle it, I guess it's better we find out now." Tears continued to fall as those words echoed in her mind. For one, she wished so much that conversation had taken place in her real life before she made the trip down the aisle. But mostly because at that moment she didn't know if it was Angela or Judith speaking those words, and what pained her the most was that she was speaking them to the only man in her life who truly did support her success, no matter how much it may overshadow his in the process. She remembers fighting back very real tears as she was performing that scene because between them, it was not about competition, it was never a competition. It was pure, unrelenting friendship built on a foundation of unconditional love.
Judith looked down and saw her phone sitting on the small table across from her. Untucking the leg she was sitting on from underneath her she leaned forward to put down her glass, reached for the phone and began to dial, tears still running down her cheeks.
"Hi sweetheart! I'm so glad you called" he said lovingly with a hint of relief in his voice.
Her eyes lit up at the sound of his voice, a beaming smile appearing on her face despite the tears streaming over it. Her glistening eyes reflecting the city lights in front of her.
"I watched the interview" he said "I wanted to give you some time to process, I knew you'd need it."
She emitted a sound that was a cross between a sob and a sigh as fresh tears began to wash over the soft skin of her cheeks. If you had asked her at that moment why she was crying she would have simply replied "because love is important".
"Jude, you know I love you. I will always love you," he began, as though he could read her thoughts. "I know this is hard - for both of us believe me. I wish it wasn't so complicated" his eyes began to well up and he cleared his throat pushing back the tears that were threatening to surface.
"I just … it's hard sometimes you know? To know if I'm truly doing the right thing anymore."
"You know I will support you unconditionally in every and any decision you make. But it has to be your decision. I know how important this is to you." His voice was soft, and reassuring.
"I know." She whispered, and just then her doorbell rang.
Judith gets up and walks over to see who's at the door, her phone never leaving her ear. She opened the door and looked down as there was no one standing on the other side of it. On the floor she spotted a brown paper bag, she was so distracted she really didn't give it much thought. She picked up the bag, placed it on her kitchen island and opened it to find a double chocolate fudge cake with walnuts. Once again, fresh tears immediately began to fall.
"How did you? …" she mustered between sobs, but he cut her off.
"I dropped it off with your doorman after watching the interview. I texted him when you called and asked him to have someone deliver it."
"What would I do without you?"
"Probably spend a lot less time on yoga in order to keep up that perfect figure of yours" he chuckled.
The corners of her mouth slowly turned up into a smile, and that smile turned into a giggle. 'What is it about this man that he can always make me feel better? Lighter, somehow.' She contemplated. "Why don't you join me for some cake? I'll put on the kettle and make us some tea." She suggested.
"Are you sure that's a good idea? It's late." He knew she'd had a long and exhausting day and he also knew she was the type of person that needed her sleep.
"Tony, I've had a very difficult day and I need my best friend." That was all she ever needed to say.
"20 minutes?" he asked as he stood up and began making his way to the door.
"See you soon," she replied before hanging up the phone.