The PokeLife Chose Me

"The PokeStop"

On the Pallet Town/Veridian City wilderness path during a pleasant, sunny afternoon, The Trainer emerged from the cluster of oaks, brushing twigs and leaves of his denim jacket and luvdisc patterned jeans. He took off his aviator shades to better survey his surroundings, but found the brightness of the high noon sun a little too oppressive to his eyes and his skin. He wrung out his headband and re-wrapped it around his forehead. From his pocket he drew out a bottle of spray-on sunscreen and applied it to his exposed skin.

It was a hot day even for Alohan. In Kanto it was brutal, record-setting heat. But the perfect for hunting some of the insect Pokemon dwelling in the forest.

He didn't find much of note, but the captured Pokemon in his backpack would fetch plenty of Pokemon candy vouchers from Professor Willow's Meat Packing Plant. He even found an oddly colored Meowth, or 'shiny' in the slang of young trainers, which he decided to spare. Overall, a decent haul.

At the risk of dehydration, he needed a drink.

Hearing a loud crash from the forest, The Trainer turned to see his Dragonite push her way through the brush, flattening brambles with her huge plodding feet and shoulder checking oak trees, uprooting them until they bent out of her way.

The melodious whalesong of the Dragonite's voice carried a note of pain.

"What's the matter, Gogo?" The Trainer asked his Pokemon partner, noticing she cradled her arm. He waved the Dragonite he called Gogo over, hand motions beckoning her to show her arm. "Come on, let's see."

Hesitantly, Gogo removed one big orange and yellow hand covering the wound. It was a large reddish bump, swelled to the size of a small egg.

"Mmmrrrroooohhhh!"

"Don't worry Gogo, it's just a Weedle sting. We'll find a PokeStop and get you a potion."

The trainer wiped more sweat from his brow. "And find something to drink. Fucking hell it's a hot one."

"Mrrroooohhhh!"

"And I thought I had a dirty mouth. Come on, there should be a PokeStop somewhere on the road."

"Rrroooaarrrooofff!"

Silph Co., creator of most things associated with the capture, enslavement, maintenance, and pit-fighting of Pokemon, had the eccentric habit of placing their vending machines in strange and remote places. He'd found their PokeStop™️ brand vending machines in the strangest of places, from on top of remote mountains to the depths of deep, dark caves. Some say it was to help Pokemon trainers in trouble, rather than rely on the old system of Pokemon hospitals and stores in each town.

A lot had changed since The Trainer first started out. That included his modified Silph Co. Mk I Pokedex™️. The classic design, with him since the 90s, was updated with a pokestop radar and smartphone capabilities. He flipped it open and checked out the radar screen, finding the PokeStop with ease.

"Welp... we gotta go that way." The Trainer pointed back into the bush they bashed through.

"Mrrrrooofff!"

"I know, right? Can't they just put it next to the damn road?"

"Mrrroooffffrrroohhhhhrrrff..."

"You said it. It's supposed to be next to some gazebo or something. Keep your eyes open for it."

After still more crashing and shoving through thick forests and brambles, The Trainer and his foul-mouthed Dragonite found a meadow cleared out in the forest. It was full of thick summer grass, as high as The Trainer's knee, except for a path, the dirt compacted by years of foot traffic, leading up to the white-painted wooden gazebo. The stylized holographic projected pokeball hovering over the roof spun lazily in the opposite direction of the gentle wind.

And inside the gazebo was a vending machine, a high-tech metal box the size of his Dragonite. Its transparent door showed, under shining LED lights, the items on sale. Potions for healing, berries for health, and Silph Co. Brand PokeBalls™️ of various grades, from the classic red PokeBall™️ to the yellow and black UltraBall™️. At the bottom of the vending machine were drinks and snacks, from green tea in massive bottles to Kanto style triangular jelly doughnuts.

At this point, the Trainer was hungry enough to eat the vending machine's suspicious looking submarine sandwich and thirsty enough to drink rainwater. Not in the mood for lyme disease and electrocution from the Joltik breeding ground that was the tall grass, he took the foot path.

And saw someone in the Gazebo smacking the vending machine with a large crowbar.

"What the..." The Trainer and Gogo ducked into the tall grass to observe.

Even in the shade, the man assaulting the vending machine was drenched in sweat, as anyone would be when wearing a completely black, long sleeved, polyester uniform with a big black cap and large silver gloves. The big red 'R' on the chest immediately identified the vandal.

"Went from trying to take over the world to knocking over vending machines." The Trainer though as he brushed away a joltik, the exasperation on his face picked up by an equally disgusted Dragonite. "This is beyond sad."

The Team Rocket Grunt smacked the vending machine once more, kicked its metal side, and spewed out a string of expletives that shocked the vulgar Dragonite.

"To think I used to work for these chuckleheads." The Trainer rose out of the grass. "Come on, Gogo. Stop taking notes. Lets get you a potion before this guy steals them all."

"Mrf! Rrrroohhrrroof?"

"Maybe we can resolve it peacefully. Stand by."

"Rrrrrrhhhhh."

The walked into the gazebo's cooling shade, harrumphed once, and caught the attention of the Team Rocket Grunt.

"You mind if I get something real quick?" The Trainer shoo'ed away the Team Rocket Grunt. "Then you can go ham on that vending machine all you want."

The Team Rocket Grunt emphatically pointed at The Trainer. "We're pulling a big job here! Get lost!"

Blankly, The Trainer stared at the Team Rocket Grunt. "Are you reading from the employee manual? Look, I just want something to drink for myself and some healing potions so if you don't mind..."

"Let me take all the pokemon and items from this PokeStop! Uh... pretty please?"

The Trainer shot a funny look at the Team Rocket Grunt. "Oh for the love of..."

The Grunt pulled a PokeBall from his pocket and shouted, "Normal does not mean weak!"

"I didn't say anything about..."

"BIDOOF! I CHOOSE YOU!"

Materialized out of the PokeBall, a cute, fluffy, wide-eyed Bidoof, took a four-legged fighting stance, bracing itself while defiantly calling out its own name. A black aura surrounded the little Bidoof, rising and evaporating like a mist.

"Really? Ok... ummm... Gogo, take care of this."

"Mroohhhh rrooommmm."

"Bidoof, tackle attack!"

The Bidoof suicide dashed towards the much bigger, and surlier, Dragonite.

"Rooorrrooohhff."

Who proceeded to wind her foot back and kick the Bidoof like a football.

"BBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII..." The Bidoof went sailing into the air so far it disappeared into the horizon, leaving behind a brief, shining star disappearing over the curvature of the earth.

"Ohhhhhh man..." The Team Rocket Grunt fished in his pockets for another PokeBall.

"Lemme guess." The Trainer drolled. "You were given three Bidoofs and told to knock over a vending machine for the greater glory of Team Go Rocket. Don't feel too bad about getting your ass handed to you. They pulled that crap with noobs back in my day."

"Wait... you're Team Rocket too?" The Grunt said, dropping the PokeBall in the grass. He fished his pockets for his last ball, with shaking fingers.

"Former Team Go Rocket Grunt." The Trainer corrected. "Turns out there's not many job prospects for trainers who drop out of elementary school at age ten. Worst job ever, but I stole so many office supplies.."

"I know, right? It's so easy! Only stick around for the health and dental benefits."

"They have health and dental now?! Fuck me, you guys have it good! I might have to go back..."

"HEY! Screw you! I'm supposed to be kicking your ass and stealing all this stuff!"

"Yeah... how's that working out for you?"

The Team Rocket Grunt points both hands at the crowbar, wedged into the crack between the vending machine's door and its frame. "What do you think?"

"Oh, that's no problem." The Trainer cracked his knuckles. "These things are a copper-plated bitch to open, but there's a trick to it. You have to wedge the crowbar into the lock... I see you already done that. Then... Gogo, take care of this!"

With a bellowing roar, the Dragonite kicked the crowbar. Her impressive strength was more than enough to break the lock and fly open the vending machine door, leaving twisted metal and busted plastic, and the contents of the vending machine wide open.

One second later, the vending machine's touchscreen turned red. A loud klaxon, with the randomness and shrill tones of a car alarm, blared an unending distress call that could be heard throughout the forest. The Trainer imagined it was loud enough to be heard in Pallet Town.

"YOU IDIOT!" The Team Rocket Grunt screamed loudly enough to be heard over the alarm. "I WAS TRYING NOT TO TRIP THE ALARM!"

Sheepish, The Trainer replied, "Ohhhhh... you DIDN'T want to trip the alarm! Sorry about that! You know if you were a little more specific..."

The Trainer looked over the open vending machine case. He drew PokeCoins out of his pocket, dumped them into the machine, and grabbed two bottles of water and a healing potion.

"...anyways, you got a couple minutes until an Officer Jenny shows up! I'd grab as much as you can!"

"THEY'LL LOCK US UP FOR THIS!"

"Well... you definitely. Me? Not so much, 'cause I'm not dressed like a total loser."

The Team Rocket grunt sputtered, "Why... you... jeeez!" He whips out a large sack and starts grabbing items out of the vending machine with reckless abandon. "Screw you, Captain Hairmetal! You haven't... uh... Manners never get me anywhere!"

The Trainer's estimate was off... by under a minute. As he and Dragonite went back into the forest to enjoy their repast and tend to the Pokemon's wounds, the flash of police sirens announced the arrival of an Officer Jenny. The Team Rocket Grunt fled on foot, PokeBalls and potions dropping out of his loot sack.

He didn't go far, as Officer Jenny's Growlithe stopped the flight by headbutting the Grunt in the stomach. When the grunt went down, the Growlithe clamped onto his crotch and shook the screaming criminal until Jenny ordered him to stop. After a full minutes of biting and shaking.

"Heh." The Trainer watched from the bushes and chuckled.

"Mrrrhhffooommooofff!" Gogo rubbed her freshly healed arm, smug and satisfied.

You want to know how the Pokemon rap, without all that 'Pika Pika Pika' crap? Then come on in and bring all the girls and boys, because we're gonna translate all that stupid Pokenoise! Let's GO!

"Mmmrrrroooohhhh!" ("Little cocksucker jabbed me in the arm! Ow!")

"Mrrroooohhhh!" ("Suck my lady balls, demon orb!")

"Rrroooaarrrooofff!" ("I'll have a long island ice tea, please.")

"Mrrrrooofff!" ("Motherfucker!")

"Mrrroooffffrrroohhhhhrrrff..." ("That would involve un-wedging their heads from their own asses.")

"Mrf! Rrrroohhrrroof?" ("Ok! Can I kick his ass?")

"Rrrrrrhhhhh!" ("Cockblocker.")

"Mroohhhh rrooommmm." ("His ass is grass, and I'm gonna smoke it.")

"Rooorrrooohhff." ("Cunt punt.")

"Mrrrhhffooommooofff!" ("What a prick.")

Hear 'em, hear 'em, gotta hear 'em all,

Gotta hear 'em all, Pokemon!