SPOOF TREK: FROGGER
Centipede
(Spoofing "Scorpion," Season ¾)
Summary: Captain Myway forms and alliance with the Bored, to battle a new fearsome enemy!
Opening Scene: Outer space
[Three massive, cube-shaped ships made from cardboard float in space. These are Cardboard Boxes, the vessels of the Bored Collective.]
BORED COLLECTIVE: We are the Bored. Fun and excitement are irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile—
[The race to whom they were speaking blow up all three Cardboard Boxes, one explosion after another.]
COLLECTIVE: …Never mind.
Next Scene: Captain Myway's Not-Quite Ready Room
CAPTAIN MYWAY: It boils down to this, everyone. Standing between us and our way home is Bored territory. And there's no dangerous way around it, so our only hope for an interesting episode is to go right through it. Any objections?
[The senior staff responds as usual: B' Zooka Tourgide rolls her eyes at Myway's stupidity; Lt. Tuvacca looks at the captain like she's crazy; Commander Chevrolet glances up from his copy of Deep Space News, barely interested; Tim Parsnip and Fairly Dim fly a paper starship back and forth; Cakemix is snoring; Keish holds a cigarette lighter under the table, and uses her mental powers to play with the fire; and The Doctor is muttering something sarcastic.]
CAPTIAN MYWAY: Excellent! Dismissed.
The Bridge
FAIRLY DIM: Captain, I'm picking up something strange,
CAPTAIN MYWAY: What are you reading Ensign?
FAIRLY DIM: I'm reading "Harry Potter" again, but that's not important right now. On these sensors I'm picking up a Cardboard Box! Wait—two Cardboard Boxes! Three….Six…[Pulls out a calculator, and does some quick math while still watching his consol]…Seventeen Cardboard Boxes.
CHEVROLET: How about that. Who'd've guessed there'd be Bored vessels in Bored territory.
TIM PARSNIP: They're coming right for us OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE—
[The Cardboard Boxes fly right at the starship Frogger…and right through it. All of the Boxes are dead, filled with gigantic, smoking holes.]
TIM: What…? [Peaking between his fingers]Ha! My piloting expertise have saved us once again![Leans back in his chair and folds his hands behind his neck.]
[No one else is paying attention. They're all transfixed at the images on the view screen.]
CHEVROLET: My God, what could do that to the Bored?
MYWAY: If there's someone in this quadrant powerful enough to devastate the Bored like this, someone has to find out who, and why, even at the risk of their lives! This looks like a job for… [She bolts up from her chair and rips off her uniform's jacket, revealing a cape and a spandex top with the letters "SF"] …Star Freak! [She sits back down, and sips her coffee.] Chevrolet, take an away team.
Inside the dead Cardboard Box
[Chevrolet, Tuvacca, and Farily Dim beam aboard, with their super-soakers at the ready. They look around the dead cube, and see the remains of Bored life: a huge pile of dead drones, with cyborg implants; board games and thick books about math and economics scattered everywhere; and broken TVs playing episodes of bland shows like "Friends" and "Doug." Once, this cube was alive with Bored activity, but now, the entire cube is dead.]
FARILY DIM: C-C-Commander, I'm not scared or anything, but I'm kind of tired of dying all the time.
CHEVROLET: You're not gonna die again, Farily, don't be stupid.
Meanwhile, in Frogger's sickbay
[Kiesh is carrying a tray of The Doctor's medical tools (a tricorder, rolls of duct tape, and a spork, if you want to know). Suddenly, she gasps and collapses, dropping the tray.]
KIESH: They're in danger, The Doctor! I felt a disturbance, as if millions of dweebs cried out at once, and were suddenly silenced…get them out of there!
THE DOCTOR: [Hits his smily-faced com-badge] The Doctor to the Bridge! Kiesh just had an Obi-Wan Kenobi moment about the away team! They're in danger!
[On the bridge, Myway frowns.]
MYWAY: An Obi-Wan Kenobi moment? But this is Spoof Trek. What could cause Kiesh to experience a Spoof Wars trope?
Back on the Bored Cube, Myway's question is answered…
FAIRLY DIM: Commander! [Dim stands before an alien vessel, crashed inside the Bored cube.] There's a ship inside of this ship! It's like a ship sandwich! Or no, more like a chocolate egg. The Bored are the chocolate, and this thing is the caramel. Green, gooey, alien caramel, that smells like a garbage dump—
CHEVROLET: ENSIGN! BEHIND YOU!
[An alien leaps out of nowhere, and knocks Dim to the ground with a blunt weapon. The alien hisses at the Chevrolet and Tuvacca. The alien's body is made from Jell-O-y C.G.I., and it is wearing a Darth Vader helmet and a T-shirt that reads, "Spoof Wars Rules, Spoof Trek Drools." The weapon it hit Farily with is a plastic light-saber. The away team is beamed away before the creature can do any more damage.]
Sickbay:
[Fairly Dim lies in a biobed, covered in CGI growths.]
MYWAY: What have the writers done to the poor dweeb now, The Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: C.G.I., I'm afraid. He was infected with it through the plastic lightsaber. The CGI is taking over his body from the inside out. I've prescribed saltine crackers and Orange Soda for now. But I'm afraid if I can't develop a treatment soon, Mr. Dim will be transformed into a Gungan.
FAIRLY DIM: [Wimpering] A what? [Sips his orange soda]
B'ZOOKA TOURGIDE: Captain, Chevrolet and I just checked the Bored Collective's status on Twitter. They're calling these aliens species 12345. They're from another dimension—the "Spoof Wars" dimension.
THE DOCTOR: The "Spoof Wars" dimension…of course! That explains it all: The violent passion for blowing things up; their use of corny CGI, instead of corny rubber forehead masks; their interest in Kiesh's Jedi-rip-off mind-powers; and their intense hatred for anything Trek-related.
KIESH: Captain, the aliens have been speaking to me through my mind. They keep saying things like, "Why do all your aliens speak English?" and "Han Solo could beat Captain Flirt while he was still frozen in Carbonite!" Captain, these aliens want to heckle and ridicule our universe until there's nothing left of it! It's not the Bored we should be afraid of, it's them!
Later, in the Almost-Ready Room
MYWAY: The Bored on one side, and aliens from another dimension on the other. Who do I turn to for advice, when there are no Star Freak admirals around to give me orders? [Sips coffee.]
CHEVROLET: Well there's always Tuvacca and myself, your two best friends. You could also summon up holograms of some Star Freak admirals—
MYWAY: Shut up, I'm talking to my coffee. Now what would Captain Flirt, Pickacard, or Disco do?
CHEVROLET: [Rolls eyes] Let's see…[Ticking the options off on his fingers] Flirt with every alien woman in sight…Pummel the enemy with Shakespeare sonnets…and talk to a holographic 1960s lounge singer while war rages outside on the space station.
MYWAY: A random, pointless, holodeck program! Of course! Whenever Freak Space Nine was in danger, Captain Disco and his crew went to that 1960s casino program and sang musical numbers! But I think I'm in more of a Renaissance mood right now…
The Holodeck: Leonardo DiVinci's Study
[Myway talks to Leonardo DiVinci, who is played by John Reese Davies, or Gimli from "Lord of the Rings."]
MYWAY: DaVinci, I have a hypothetical question…if you were, say, the captain of a flying ship in outer space, and that ship ran into a race of robot-people more evil than the Nazis, but you were also under attack by aliens from another realm, what would you do to protect your crew?
DaVINCI: [Pounds the table] Never trust an elf!
MYWAY: Never trust an elf. Thanks, Leo, I'll log that high-fantasy racism away. Wait a minute…the dwarves and the elves hated each other…but they teamed up to defeat a greater enemy…You're a genius Leonardo! [Hugs DaVinci and runs out of the holodeck.]
The Ready-For-The-Big-Shock Room
TIM PARSNIP: An ALLIANCE with the BORED? But—Okay.
[Everyone leaves the Ready Room, except Myway and Chevrolet.]
MYWAY: What's the problem, Chevie?
CHEVROLET: Captain, allow me to illustrate my point with a story I heard once as a child, and completely forgot until now. So this fox is going to swim across a river, and he offers the gingerbread man a ride on his back. The gingerbread man says "No way. How do I know you won't eat me?" The fox says, "Why would I do that? I'm a carnivore. I don't eat cookies, I eat meat." The gingerbread man thought about it, and decided, what the hell. So he let the fox carry him across the river. But just as they were halfway across, the fox suddenly exclaimed, "GET IN MA BELLEH!" and ate the gingerbread man. He couldn't help it; it was his nature.
MYWAY: But Chevrolet, we're not gingerbread men. Why would anyone want to eat us?
[Chevrolet stares at her.]
Aboard the Cardboard Box
[Myway and Tuvacca beam aboard the Bored vessel, and encounter several Bored drones.]
MYWAY: I have a proposal. Our doctor has discovered that the Spoof Wars aliens can be beaten back with technobabble. We'll give you that technology, in exchange for safe passage through your space—
BORED: This dialogue is too dramatic for a Bored vessel. All of our communication will now be done telepathically, to make our collaboration as boring as possible.
MYWAY: No! I have a series to hold up! If we're not blowing each other up, we at least need some interesting dialogue to keep this episode going!
[The Bored aren't listening. They unleash their assimilation-bendy-straws from their hands, and prepare to assimilate Myway and Tuvacca.]
MYWAY: What about choosing a representative? A single Bored drone, who can talk to us in the most boring way he or she wants to? You did it before, when you transformed Captain Pickacard into Low-IQ-tis of Bored. Do it MY WAY, or the deal's off!
[The Bored back off. Smoke suddenly erupts from the regeneration alcoves along the back wall. Myway and Tuvacca turn, to see a female drone, asleep at a Bored regeneration desk. She wakes up, yawns, and approaches them menacingly. She is particularly frightening looking, with telephone cords running through her head, and a laser- light jetting out of her eye socket.]
TELEPHONE LINE: I am Telephone Line, Tertiary Hardware Junk, Unamatrix MST-3K. But you may call me Telephone Line. I speak for the—Yawn—the Bored. We must act quickly; the Spoof Wars aliens have already heckled seven thousand of our vessels into destruction—
[An echoing voice suddenly demands, "Why would Bored drones have curvy figures like that?" and the vessel shakes, as if it was just hit by a weapon.]
TELEPHONE LINE: They are attacking this vessel as we speak. We must beam to your ship before this ours is destroyed.
Meanwhile, on Frogger's bridge
TIM PARSNIP: [Drums fingers on his consol, bored.]
CHEVROLET: [In the captain's chair, reading a MAD Magazine.]
TIM PARSNIP: So….how do you think it's going over there? [Looks back at the view screen, which shows the Cardboard box.]
CARDBOARD BOX: [Explodes.]
TUVACCA: [V.O.] Tuvacca to Chevrolet…the captain and I beamed into Cargo Bay 2, along with several Bored drones…we require… assistance.
CHEVROLET: . [Stands up, puts away magazine, and sighs.] Okay, better get down there. How about….you….aaaaand….you.
[Chevrolet and the two nervous crewmen he's picked out head down to the cargo bay, armed with super-soakers.]
Cargo Bay 2
[Myway and Tuvacca are on the floor, unconscious. The Bored are walking around the room, redecorating: they're putting up Bored tubes and machinery on the walls and ceiling, and screwing in green light bulbs; carrying regeneration desks to the back walls, and stacking them full of math books and economics binders; and setting up little TVs, flipping channels until they find shows worthy of the Bored, like golf games and boring documentaries.]
TELEPHONE LINE: Lower your weapons. We have an alliance, do we not?
[Chevrolet stares, frozen in terror. Behind him, a TV showing a golf game falls off a shelf and kills Crewman #1. Crewmen #2 touches one TV antenna curiously, and is electrocuted.]
Sickbay
THE DOCTOR: I've done it! I've cured Ensign Dim! You see Commander, I ingeniously deduced that if we pumped his body with enough Bored technobabble, the boredom would be able to battle off the exciting "Spoof Wars" CGI inside his body. And it worked!
FAIRLY DIM: Thanks The Doctor. I'm sure glad to be alive, and excited to report back for duty.
CHEVROLET: [Frowns.] Fairly, you were almost eaten alive by a disease from an alien dimension! Why does your acting sound so…
THE DOCTOR: …Bored? It's a side effect of the Bored technology I used to cure him. It will wear off.
CHEVROLET: Well, anyway, here. [Dumps Captain Myway onto the biobed that Farily just left.] I think she was injured when the Bored cube exploded.
THE DOCTOR: Hmm, let me scan her.
[He carefully lifts the captain off the bed, sticks her into a 1990s Scanner machine, and closes the lid over her. He waits a minute, until the Scanner prints off a sheet of paper. He takes the paper out and looks at it.]
THE DOCTOR: It's worse than I imagined. [Takes Myway out of the scanner, and puts her back on the bed.] The explosion didn't harm her too severely; her hair absorbed most of the shock. But her prolonged exposure to the Bored has put her to sleep. I'll try to devise a treatment with Mountain Dew and some episodes of "Monty Python's Flying Circus." But if I'm not successful, she may never regain consciousness.
MYWAY: [Peaking awake.] Chevrolet…[Yawn]…you heard the holo-man. If I don't wake up…you have to make this Bored alliance work. Get this crew home. [Falls asleep, snoring.]
CHEVROLET: [Stands there, tense]
THE DOCTOR: Commander…we've discussed this. Your addiction to breaking the captain's orders, and mutinying against authority. Remember, will power!
CHEVROLET: [Nodds.] Right, will power. [Walks out the door.] Will power. Will power…
[A few seconds after Chevrolet has left Sickbay, his voice comes over the com.]
CHEVROLET: [V.O.] Attention! This is Commander Chevrolet! I have taken control of Frogger, and am ending this Bored alliance! Bored drones, prepare to be blown into space! Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaa!
[On the bridge, Chevrolet sits back in the Captain's chair, holding a cutlass in one hand, and a tall flag that reads "La Resistance!" in the other. On the view screen, the Bored drones are seen being blown into space. Everyone on the bridge stares at Chevrolet. Chevrolet looks behind him to see The Doctor, looking unimpressed.]
CHEVROLET: Um…
TIM PARSNIP: [Holds out a hand.] He mutinied.
FAIRLY DIM: [Sighs, and pays Tim five dollars.]
[Myway suddenly walks onto the bridge, laughing.]
MYWAY: Th-Thank you The Doctor! That blue voltage Mt. Dew was AMAZING! And that weird British show you left on TV for me, with the giant cat eating the cars and buil…[She looks around the bridge. Sees Chevrolet, with his sword and flag, looking guilty. Sees the Bored drones floating in space. Her fists clench and her eyes narrow.] My ready room. Now!
The Ready-For-An-Ass-Whooping? Room:
CHEVROLET: I did it to protect this crew, which you put in jeopardy just to make the episode more interesting!
MYWAY: Well if I didn't make our show more interesting, we'd have no exiting explosions to fight back against the Spoof Wars aliens! And now I find out that you've blown all of our Bored allies into space—
TUVACCA: [Sticks his head through the doorway] Not all of them, Captain. Telephone Line held onto her regeneration desk and survived. And she has now sent us into the alien's home dimension, somehow.
MYWAY & CHEVROLET: What?
[They look out the window, and see a cloudy, orange realm. Action figures and models of every Spoof Wars character, alien and starship spin and float by, some bouncing off the window. A bantha floats by the window, mooing like a cow; two Spoof Wars geeks dressed like Han Solo and slave-bikini Leia float by in a rowboat, and wave hi; and Darth Maul floats by on his speeder for a moment, cape flying behind him, and cackles like the Wicked Witch of the West.]
MYWAY: [Quickly] I'm done being mad if you are, Chevrolet. Truce?
CHEVROLET: Truce! [Shakes her hand.] Let's get started on a plan.
Bridge
MYWAY: Telephone Line, you needn't worry about my First Officer any more. He's grounded. I've sent him to his quarters, with no vision quests or comic books for a week. Will you help us battle these aliens here, in their own realm?
TELEPHONE LINE: Agreed.
KIESH: The aliens are still trying to speak through me, Captain.
[Kiesh is sitting in Chevrolet's chair. Tim stares at her, with a puzzled look on his face.]
TIM PARSNIP: Chevrolet, you look different.
MYWAY: Kiesh, tell the aliens that we have enough Bored technology to take all of the excitement out of their saga for a year! And if they don't end their war with the Bored, we'll be forced to use it!
KIESH: They…they say that if we don't surrender…they're going to use the Force on the Spoof Trek writers and…and make them create a PREQUEL series for "Spoof Trek," as bad as the "Phantom Menace!"
TIM PARSNIP: That's impossible! What would they do, have a starship before Captain Flirt's time fighting the Bored and having holodeck malfunctions? Make Jar-Jar Binks the ship's doctor?
KIESH: No Tim, no! You're giving them ideas! [Grabs her head and screams.]
MYWAY: Kiesh, tell the aliens that if they don't back down right now, we'll flood them with so much Bored technology that the next Spoof Wars movie will be nothing but flat acting and bland dialogue!
KIESH: ….I told them…they don't believe us…
MYWAY: [Looks at Telephone, and nods.]
TELEPHONE LINE: [Fires the Bored weapons into the alien space.]
[Everyone on the bridge listens intently for the results. Then, they hear a transmission from the alien space outside them:]
TRANSMISSION: "I hate sand Padme. It's so rough and gets everywhere. It's not smooth, like everything here." "Oh Anakin. You're breaking my heart." "Master. I am overwhelmed…"
KIESH: The aliens are screaming for mercy! They're retreating! We won!
[Frogger is sent back to normal space. Everyone hugs and cheers.]
TELEPHONE LINE: The Collective interrupts this celebration to inform you that you will be assimilated.
[She marches over to the pilot's consol. Tim tries to stop her with his Star Freak squirt gun, and fails. He gives his gun a look, and she shoves him out of the way. She sticks her assimilation bendy-straws into the consol.]
MYWAY: [Hits smiley face com. Badge.] Myway to Chevrolet: Centipede.
[Telephone continues trying to assimilate the ship, when suddenly a water balloon hits her in the face, shocking her out of her Bored trance.]
CHEVROLET: Telephone Line! You were a little girl once! You used to love childish games like this! [Tosses another water balloon at her.]
TELEPHONE LINE: Irrelevant! We are BORED!
CHEVROLET: [Loading a water balloon the size of a beach ball into a catapault.] Remember! A little girl…a family…telling dirty jokes! Watching goofy cartoons like "Darkwing Duck" and "Spongebob"! [Lets the catapult go, showering Telephone with water, making her Bored mechanics spark.] Telephone Line, your name was Annika HENSON! Your ancestor made THIS show! [Takes out a TV remote, and turns something onto the view screen.]
VIEW SCREEN: "It's the Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Vincent Price! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!"
TELEPHONE NINE: [Bursts out laughing, until she falls over unconscious.]
-STV-
[Back in DaVinci's study.]
MYWAY: I wonder what's left under all that Bored technology. Imagine what a fascinating character we have for our show now! Double points if she turns out to be a babe, and gets us more male viewers.
CHEVROLET: But the collective is all she knows. She may not want to stay with us.
MYWAY: But we have something to offer her that the collective never could…a regular part on a hit sci-fi series!
Fin