Adrien awkwardly sat down in the leather chair across from his psychologist, Doctor Juliette Beaumont. She smiled at him, though the silence was deafening. He already felt like trash. He'd barely slept and was exhausted. Still, Juliette greeted him when he sat down, and now she waited for him to begin speaking. The silence usually lasted several minutes and it drove him insane. A trick Adrien had read about while researching psychological topics. The idea was that it encouraged self reflection, responsibility and was supposed to help him express his feelings. It worked, every single time. And he hated how blunt he usually ended up being.

He didn't want to disappoint his doctor, not after all the progres she had made, but he knew he'd have too. Adrien sighed and spoke bluntly. "We had hate sex."

Juliette only nodded, but gave no other reaction. It was enough for the word vomit to escape however. "It wasn't supposed to happen! She's so guarded with her emotions, and I was angry. Ten years ago, if I had kissed her, she'd have slapped me. I thought...dammit I'm so stupid."

Juliette spoke up now. "I assume she didn't, and you didn't stop."

"Yeah," Adrien said, his head hung low. "I apologized and she was...emotionless and didn't seem to care. I feel disgusted with myself."

Juliette wrote a few notes down but offered him a smile. "Therapy and self improvement aren't an overnight fix. Relapses do happen from time to time. You aren't superhuman, Adrien. You're a young man who has been given a hand of cards that make it hard for him to participate with other people normally. Life isn't perfect to begin with. And while I'm not exactly happy about the development, you are here. You called the office and got an emergency session right away. This is a bump in the road. You haven't fallen off the wagon as they say. You recognize the self-sabotaging behavior and sought out help. Adrien, that's great."

Adrien didn't feel impressed with himself at all, and still felt disgusted. The bitter taste of his failure drew him back to how this all started. "She just makes me so angry. If she had just stayed in Paris, none of this messed up shit would've happened."

Juliette shook her head. "Adrien, we've talked about this. You can't say "If they had just". You can't control others' actions. Lydia left for her own reasons, and while you don't have to like it, you can't just say "If they had just". You need to take ownership of your own issues. You can blame her all you want, but at the end of the day, you have to realize your part in this as well. So you blame her for your relapse. You said you kissed her. Did she ask you too? Did she provoke you to kiss her?"

"...No…"

"That was you, Adrien," Juliette stated. "I'm sure you felt triggered, but you need to learn to recognize these triggers and stop it before it becomes an issue. That's what this is all about. Mindfulness. Do you remember those exercises we went over?"

Adrien nodded. "It's knowing how to react when something that sets you off happens, and how to not let it affect you that way. You need to let yourself take a moment before you instinctually react and act out."

"Exactly," Juliette explained. "Seeing Lydia again was hard, I'm sure. Emotionally draining, and upsetting. I see you wearing a ring again, so it wasn't all bad. You got it back. So tell me, what triggered you? Set the scene for me. Walk me through what made you feel the way you did, so we can figure out how you would have reacted."

How was he supposed to explain this to the doctor without talking about the miraculous, his training and the big event in four months? "She...invited me to fence. She has a room at her place to practice and while practicing...I haven't in years you know. I was frustrated that she was beating me, and we ended up hashing it out and there were a lot of emotions on my part. Yelling, cursing her, and telling her she ruined my life. She's not the same. She used to be so lively and peppy, but she barely showed any emotions. And no matter how much I yelled and wished she'd have a human reaction, she just took my abuse. And it popped in my head. If I'd tried to kiss her years ago, she would've rejected me. I needed her to show emotion. Any emotion. But even during the sex, minus some moaning, she showed nothing. She didn't express anything audiably with words or facial expression, outside physical responses. I saw maybe two bits of emotion in her eyes, but that's it."

"It's unethical for me to diagnose anyone who isn't my patient, but have you ever stopped to consider that she may have experienced trauma of her own?" Juliette asked. "A lot can happen in ten years, and if she just took your abuse, maybe she took it because on some level she thinks she deserves it."

Adrien tapped his foot uncomfortably. "She keeps telling me that she wouldn't have changed the past if she could. But she regrets going, and says that I have no right to assume that she was off on a vacation. That she made sacrifices."

"Do you have any idea what kinds?" Juliette asked. "If she didn't, what kinds do you think she made? Try to get into her mind. See things from her point of view."

Adrien's frustration was hard to handle and he was getting annoyed, which is how he knew the doctor was cracking his shell open. Mindfulness includes learning to see things from others point of view, rather than constantly assume you are the one being victimized. A tightness in his chest formed, and Adrien knew he was reaching an emotional limit. Luckily for him, his emotions were easy to read and Juliette gave him a worried look.

"You're getting angry, I can tell," Juliette responded. "Remember your breathing exercise. The square breathing technique."

He gave a small nod, and closed his eyes. He imagined a square in his mind, and followed a dot that would move as he breathed in and out, tracing the square in his mind. Each side was a breath in or out. Deep even breaths. The tension in his chest eased and Adrien felt his hands he didn't realize were formed into fists, relax and he eased into his sitting position after a few minutes. He opened his eyes and looked at Juliette. "It's alright to take a step back from a situation and breathe."

"How can I see her point of view if she won't open up to me?" Adrien asked.

"Do you trust her with all the secrets you have from the last ten years?" Juliette asked.

Adrien thought of his leg. The suicidal thoughts he had sometimes. The desire to take her own miraculous as revenge. Or the secret he held onto that he'd never utter to anyone, and even lied to himself about sometimes. No, he didn't trust her with any of them.

"No," Adrien replied.

"I'm sure she feels the same. Trust is earned. If you two are going to continue to heal this friendship, you will need to earn each other's trust. Let her open up to you. And you open up when you're ready. In the meantime, be honest when you need to step back. If she has good intentions towards mending your history, she will respect that."

"We're meeting up tonight," Adrien spoke.

"For what?"

"She said she wanted me to get all I've wanted to say to her out of my system. We've decided to go to the place we said good-bye. A public place, so I hope that will help."

Juliette made a few more notes. "That sounds like it could be emotional. I've given you the tools, but you will need to use them. Give me a call on the emergency line if it doesn't go well, and we can talk about it as soon as possible. With that, I'm afraid I have to start my next appointment. Will you be alright?"

Adrien uttered a yes, and he left the office. He climbed into the car, and closed his eyes as he rested his head against the headrest. He was dreading tonight, but the day would drag on much longer than he would've liked. He wanted this over with.

8 8 8

Marinette's morning started as it normally did these days. Simple breakfast, meditation, stretches, self training, shower and now she'd be venturing out for a few supplies. Her first time since she returned. Her nerves were jittery, but the stone faced young woman showed no fear as she locked up the shop front, and with a very old and second hand four wheel cart, she dragged it behind her as she eagerly moved to look around her hometown.

No surprise that she didn't recognize anything. She'd used her phone to find the stores she needed. She walked many kilometers around Paris. She could've taken a transit bus, but Marinette needed to see as much as she could. Paris was a stranger to her now, and she needed to know how it had changed. Many buildings in Paris were older, or they had been. Many had been replaced with more modern French buildings, and Marinette could only assume they had been destroyed by the two Akuma attacks. Even the parks she walked through looked entirely different. She wanted to find something familiar, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to see her favorite places and find them gone.

Still, her feet guided her after her errands were done, and Marinette became a mindless zombie as she found herself in her old neighborhood. She froze in front of the gates to Place des Vosges. Without her training, Marinette might've buckled, but she took in a deep breath, and stepped into the park. It looked nothing like it had. The tree's were all much smaller, likely replaced. The merry-go-round was gone, and replaced with a picnic area. And it only became all too much more when she reached the other end. Where the Ladybug and Chat Noir statue had been, was a small crater, filled in with weeds and grass. Unlike the rest of the park, this was not maintained. It was as if the spot was abandoned.

Marinette knelt down and ran her hands over the grass growing in that spot, and recognized the likely unintended symbolism. The statue to honor the superheroes who protected this city once sat, was now long gone. Much like she had been when the attacks happened.

It stung, but Marinette didn't allow herself to express it. "Still and unmoving, hard and strong," Marinette whispered. Tikki popped out of the little purse Marinette had. The same one she had years ago, but raggy and looked like an antique. A very undesirable and uncared for antique. One of the last things she had from her old life still.

"Mari," Tikki called. "If this is too much for you, maybe we should go home."

"No," Marinette said. "Any pain this causes is my just reward."

Marinette reached over and closed the purse, the clasp barely able to as it was bent and warped from years of abuse. Marinette climbed to her feet, and ignored the stares she had from others wandering the park. Taking her little cart again, she reached the other end of the park, stopping at the corner. She peered to her right, looking at her old high school. Except it wasn't there any longer. What looked like an apartment building now stood there, and Marinette looked down, readying herself to look to her left where she once lived with her parents.

She had no intentions of going in, but she still wanted to gaze upon her childhood home, and remember a time when she had been happy. Even if it was incredibly selfish, she just needed this one thing. Everything else in her life was out of her control, but she hoped she could have this one thing. She counted to three in her head, and she snapped her head up to the left to take a look. The building looked about the same, but it looked as if it had a lot of construction on one part of the building. Her eyes fell to the bakery entrance, hoping to take a look upon the black and gold signage, but found it no longer there. Now present was white frosted glass with copper colored letters. Her heart sank, and she found herself rushing across that street, eager to relieve the fear and confusion. She came to an abrupt stop in front of the shop and found a little cafe now. She almost reached for the doorknob to pull the door open, but she stepped back, and turned her back to the door before turning the corner.

Her heart pounded and her entire mind had gone blank. She rushed on her way and moved for several blocks, or several kilometers more. Marinette didn't know. Her mind was somehow both blanking out and running a million thoughts at once. Desperate to bring some calm to herself, she continued to chant her mantra. "Still and unmoving, hard and strong. Still and unmoving, hard and strong."

The tightness in her chest worsened, and Marinette thought she might have a panic attack, but her body remained hardened, unable to physically respond. Not after the torture they inflicted upon her. It remained internal and Marinette refused to let it come to the surface. She didn't dare let it happen. She was a lab rat, experimented on and shaped into something that went against every bit of what made up who she was. Marinette wasn't naive to think otherwise. She was barely human anymore. As far as she was concerned, the real Marinette was dead. Everything that made her that girl once, was gone and shaped into whatever she was. She'd never have the life she once wanted.

A life with Adrien, their three children and that hamster. What a silly little daydream of a child, who knew nothing of the real world. Who made the biggest mistake of her life, and ruined so many lives. Paris was scarred and it was her own fault, and she couldn't even cry about it. Three-thousand, two hundred and eighty-five times. That was how many times she had bones broken in the last ten years. It took that many times before they broke her arm and she didn't even blink while staring at one of the monks in the eyes, lifeless and dead inside.

That didn't include the countless beatings, imprisonment, starvation, and the countless other traumas she had been exposed to. She couldn't think about it all. She didn't want to. It wouldn't matter how much she repented for her actions, or how much changed. It wasn't possible. No babies, no husband, no love, no happiness. Nothing. Because Marinette Dupain-Cheng died that day.

It should've been written on her gravestone.

August 14th.

Every second after, was an imposter in her body, believing that maybe one day, she could really be that person.

Marinette knew the truth though.

She destroyed everything she had ever touched, and she'd never be able to fix it.

Notes:

Mindfullness was something that became a huge part of my recovery. It was recognizing all my triggers and stepping back to breath and think of what i said or did after i was triggered. Even to this day there are struggles.

Square breathing is an actual thing. I often still do it.

"If they would just" this is directly taken from my therapist towards me. I said it often, and my therapist would tell me that i couldn't control others, or expect them to follow what I wanted if it wasn't what they wanted to do. At the time i was going through a lot with my family and husband. I blamed them for evetrything wrong in my life, but after soul searching I realized that I played a part in that as well. Which is why I made this choice for Adrien. Marinette is at fault and so is Adrien. They both have a lot of healing to do and it won't be easy.

I hope that helps. Like I said above, this was emotional and I need a break now. But it is great to be back.